Original subtitles

Trev: ♪ la la la la la ♪

♪ la la la la... ♪

Do you guys think I'm repressed?

I don't know.

I haven't slept With you yet.

Have you ever had Sex in public?

No. Megan: no.

Have you ever tried The back door?

No. No!

Amy: I have.

What? I experimented With guys in college.

Wait. Pre-jason college Or post-jason college?

We tried once, but His sphincter was

Too tight, So we had to stop.

Amy: oh, I have one.

Do you like kissing Girls?

Don't know. I haven't tried it.

I have.

Me, too. Bartender: Me, too.

Megan!

He looked like Justin bieber.

I mean, she looked Like justin bieber.

You, too?

Yeah. College. New year's eve.

Oh! Halloween.

A couple times.

Oh, my god. I am the "No" girl.

I haven't tried anything.

There's a rule for that.

Rule number 76-- Try everything once,

Except monogamy.

Wait a minute. First of All, why do you have that?

I borrowed it?

Second of all, every Person who's contributed

To that book is now in A monogamous relationship.

Clearly, that rule is Bullshit.

Guess we'll have To write a new one.

How about rule Number 76--

Try everything Once,

Except herpes.

Amy: rule number 76-- You don't know you're

A lesbian until you've Tried it.

I have. I'm not.

[megan chuckles]

Rule number 76-- Whatever the question is,

There are only two answers--

Yes and fuck yes!

Amy: ok. Put your money Where your mouth is.

Kiss me.

Yes.

Both: fuck yes.

Charlie: oh, no.

Hey, what's The matter, sam?

Run out of guys to Make out with? Heh heh!

Charlie...

This is An adult establishment.

And you do not belong Here. Go home.

But--

Now or I'm Calling mom.

Yes.

Fuck!

So how was that For you? Great.

Not gay.

Ok. I did something for you.

And now you guys are gonna Do something for me.

I need wing women.

Who's coming with me to my First girl bar in chicago?

We are! We are!

Shots.

Yeah! Ow! Yes!

Whoo! Whoo!

Kristin diable: ♪ listen close ♪

♪ it's time that I impart ♪

♪ these words of wisdom ♪

♪ on how flirting is an art ♪

♪ you'll never, ever lose ♪

♪ just follow my rules ♪

♪ you'll have Any man you choose ♪

♪ when you follow the rules ♪

♪ just follow the rules ♪

Beth sherburn: ♪ hey, yeah, h-hey ♪

♪ hey, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ hey, yeah, h-hey ♪

♪ hey, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ we only look at you ♪

♪ if you got That attitude... ♪

Ahh! Girls.

Wow. Gives New meaning

To pussy galore.

Where do we begin?

Well, you've got Your butches

Over there In the corner.

You got your Hipster lesbians

Over there by the bar.

And--

Your lipstick ones.

Where are you going?

Amy: let's just say Nothing feels as good

As a new shade Of lipstick.

Sherburn: ♪ come on, Put your stamp on it ♪

♪ hey, yeah, yeah... ♪

I feel like we've been To home depot

Almost every night This week

To get more supplies

For our woodworking Projects

And we haven't seen Any of you there.

You girls are Straight, aren't you?

Yes. What?

I thought we were Saying "Yes"

To everything.

Huh.

Megan: So if I were gay,

Would I be Your type?

You're cute, but no.

So what is Your type?

Her.

If I could just Detach his penis

And keep it in my purse To make sure

He only uses it with me,

I think I'd be truly happy.

I never leave home Without it.

So where did you live Before nepal?

Well, before that, I was in moscow.

And before that, I was Living with my ex-ex

In costa rica.

And before that, I was In portland, maine.

So you're a runner

Or you just move Around a lot?

You ask a lot of Questions, don't you?

When I meet someone I'm attracted to,

I like to find out What kind of girl

She is as soon As possible.

And what kind of Girl are you?

I'm the kind of girl Who's not afraid

To go after What she wants.

In dreams: ♪ it's all right ♪

♪ if you decide You want to stay ♪

♪ it doesn't matter ♪

♪ 'cause I know I'm Gonna get my way... ♪

Don't go away.

I'll be right back.

Oh. Vodka/soda, please.

Oh, vodka/soda, please.

I'm taking off. Ok.

When does the last Train run?

3:00, I think.

[excited yelp]

Ok. Bye.

Jenna: so was your Second lesbian kiss

As good as your first?

Fuck yes.

Whoa.

Down, girl.

[chuckles]

Ok. So what exactly Did you have in mind?

How about a little Strip truth or dare,

Emphasis on truth.

[chuckles softly]

Ok. Truth.

First girl you had A crush on.

April o'neil,

"Teenage mutant ninja Turtles."

Hmm.

Standfast: ♪ before Everything turns to sand ♪

♪ stop ♪

♪ this is where We both get off... ♪

Ok. My turn.

Truth or dare?

Truth.

Standfast: ♪ oh oh oh oh ♪

♪ oh oh ♪

Why did you pick me Up at that bar?

Brains,

Eyes, lips.

Standfast: ♪ well, Beneath and beyond ♪

♪ you don't know What you have... ♪

Cheater.

♪ till it's gone ♪

♪ in between ♪

♪ and behind ♪

♪ well, the signs have Been there all the time ♪

Truth...

[kiss]

Or...

Truth--I mean dare. Dare, dare, dare.

I mean dare.

Standfast: ♪ oh oh oh oh ♪

♪ oh oh ♪

I dare you...

To stay.

Standfast: ♪ turn down the lights ♪

♪ I don't want to see Scars... ♪

Amy: oh, my god. This is cruel.

I'm only gonna say It one more time--

Biggest fear?

I told you.

My biggest fear Is flying.

Oh, bullshit.

Ah--boats.

I can't stand boats.

I hate--I hate lakes.

Really?

Standfast: ♪ now this is Where we both get off ♪

♪ the only time we've come Undone ♪

♪ oh oh oh oh oh oh oh... ♪

Oh, my god. Ok.

♪ stop ♪

♪ this is Where we both get off ♪

Man: ♪ get off ♪

♪ the only time we've come Undone ♪

♪ oh oh oh oh oh oh oh ♪

♪ yeah ♪

♪ this is Where we... ♪

♪ stop ♪ ♪ ooh... ♪

♪ see, this is Where we both get off ♪

♪ the only time we've come Undone ♪

♪ oh oh... ♪

Sleep.

Sleep?

I'm afraid of sleep.

[chuckles]

I feel like if I sleep,

I'm going to miss My life.

[chuckles] What?

♪ yeah ♪

Oh. Did I mention That sleep is

Always optional At my place?

♪ ...We both get off ♪

♪ oh oh oh oh ♪

♪ oh oh oh ♪

♪ stop ♪

♪ see, this is Where we both get off ♪

♪ the only time we've come Undone ♪

♪ oh oh oh... ♪

Your turn.

[sea gulls calling, Ship horn blows]

Sleeping over On the first night.

I thought you were

A love 'em and leave 'em kind of gal.

Are you ever going To let me live it down

That I snuck out of Your dorm room

In the middle of the night The first time we hooked up?

It's not so much That you snuck out

In the middle of The night.

It's you did it 10 minutes after we

First had sex.

I didn't want to Disturb your sleep.

I was still awake.

I'm sorry. It's ok.

It prepared me For a lifetime

Of women leaving Me abruptly.

Are--jason, you are ok?

Yeah.

No. Maybe.

I'll get over it.

Do you want to talk About it?

Love to, but I'm late for work.

All right. Well, come into The bootleg after, ok?

Ok.

[inhales deeply]

[exhales]

[telephones ringing]

[indistinct chatter]

Did devon get fired?

You see someone getting Fired, princess.

I see someone getting Promoted. That's me.

Wait. Why would it Be you?

I've been here Longer than you.

Because I'm not So unprofessional

As to bring my brother To work every day.

That was one time.

Then what's he Doing here now?

[knock knock]

What up?

Hey, sis.

I thought you might Want this.

Thanks.

Charlie: you're welcome.

Ooh.

Who's this?

This is The new intern.

Charlie: uh, yes. Can I Get you a coffee, tea, beer?

I got a whole bunch In my backpack

If you want one.

Ha ha. He's Just kidding.

I like a sense of Humor in an intern.

Hey, sam, can I see You in my office

For a sec?

Yes!

I just want to Ask your opinion

On what shirt And tie combo

To wear for the Launch tonight.

[speaking indistinctly]

Dude, your sister-- So uptight.

It's even worse now

That no one's giving her The deep dick.

Earmuffs.

What are you doing?

Oh, sorry. Uh, sam Makes me do that

Anytime she talks About sex

In front of me or Anytime anyone else

Talks about her Having sex

In front of me.

Do you always do

What women tell you They want you to do?

Yes.

All right. Rule one--

Women don't have a clue What they really want.

Rule two--it's your job to Tell them what they want.

Rule 3--what they want...

Is you.

Yeah.

Yeah. There it Is. Easy, eh?

All right. Looks good. Here's your change, man.

I'll see you at your Table in a second.

Hey. Awesome! Hi.

Hi. You.

[chuckles weakly]

What are we hungry For today?

[sam and man exhale]

What's, uh--what Are you thinking?

I'll have the...

You know what I'm thinking?

Hmm...

Maybe the daily Special.

Yeah.

Yeah!

I think I'll do that.

Ok. Good. We're gonna do that.

Oh, make it two.

Oh! Two. Then...Ok.

Jenna, what are you Doing here?

I take pilates Down the street.

Oh, my gosh!

Yeah. Oh, my Gosh. All right.

Jenna, I'm gonna Give that to you.

And you can take Care of our Friend here.

Jenna: all right.

Now, scooch. All right. Boom. Ok.

You have no idea.

Roman britain: ♪ we just Won't be the prize ♪

♪ as you slice and dice Those tv eyes ♪

♪ we're in control Of what we see ♪

♪ we won't come, We won't go ♪

♪ we don't do anything we Don't really want to... ♪

Do you think I'm repressed?

Why do you keep Asking everyone that?

Just something I Heard the other night

During sex.

Oh, my god. That's awful.

It wasn't so much awful, But it was weird.

But, you know, It got me thinking.

Am I? Have I been?

I don't know, jenna.

Nothing makes sense Anymore.

You know, when I need A little clarity...

I just go do this thing,

And I know exactly What I want.

I'm going tonight. You should come with me.

What is it?

A colonic.

Oh. No, thanks.

I thought you were supposed To say yes to everything.

Yeah. But I Already said yes

To having drinks With amy tonight.

So I can't.

Hmm, look at you!

You don't think she Thinks it a date,

Do you?

Yeah. Probably.

Amy: so I ran out Of there...

Sam: no!

Like a woman Who steals sex.

Ha ha!

Charlie.

What are you Doing here?

Sam, hey...

Uh, I'm just meeting Some people.

Oh. Really? Like, What people?

Oh. Like a girl.

Just, like, some people. It's not a big deal, ok?

Ok. I'll just Wait with you.

Seriously? Well, come on.

I want to see the girl That you're meeting.

I'm not Here to meet a girl.

I'm here to meet girls!

Ok? Oh.

Oh, no.

You cannot find A rebound at a bar,

Especially not This bar.

These are chicago Girls, charlie.

They will tear you Apart and probably

Give you chlamydia In the process.

You are still getting Over a breakup.

This is--you're not Ready yet.

What, I'm not ready Or you're not ready?

Ok. I'm calling a time-out.

This overprotective Sister thing is

Getting embarrassing.

You, come.

With lions: ♪ get your hands up ♪

♪ get your hands up... ♪

Charlie?

Hey. Jason. Man. Hey. What's up?

How are you?

I'm good. How are you?

Good. Yeah. What's going on?

Not much. I see you've Discovered bootleg.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

You out for a night On the prowl?

Ha ha! Yes, I am.

Seriously? I thought You had a girlfriend.

Had one. And she Broke up with me.

Oh. I know the feeling.

You want a beer...

Did you want a drink?

Because I was Gonna get something.

No. No. No. I'm gonna Get something here.

Yeah. No, no. Let's get something.

Ok. Hey.

Jason: we'll have two. Two, tyler. Thank you.

Nice. This is Good, man.

This is Good seeing you.

Ok. One for...

Seriously? This Every time now?

I know. I know. I know.

I'm being Overprotective.

I'm sorry.

I just am really Stressed out right now.

[future screens' "Sidewalk chalk" playing]

Ok. I didn't think I'd Have to do this with you,

But apparently you Really need it.

Just promise me You understand

That I'm not Coming on to you.

Oh, I promise. Wow.

Oh, yeah. I know. Miracle bra.

I'm working for tips.

What are we doing?

Oh. I'm sorry. All I know is that this is

What worked for me when I Was trying to find myself.

Oh. What?

Touch my boob. What?

Sam, just do it.

Yes. I mean...

Fuck yes.

♪ deep down we're the same ♪

♪ 'cause you wanna win And I wanna win again ♪

♪ can I win again... ♪

Why are we Doing this?

Oh, it's women's Intuition.

If you can't access Your own, you have

To get close to someone Else's mother board.

Ohh...

I don't think I'm Getting anything.

Ok. Close your eyes.

[both inhale deeply]

Feel my breath.

[exhales]

[exhales]

Clear your mind...

And tell me

What's your real "Fuck yes."

♪ deep down we're the same ♪

♪ 'cause you wanna win And I wanna win... ♪

Thank you.

[toilet flushes]

[sighs]

Excuse me. Sam?

Future screens: ♪ deep down we're the same ♪

♪ 'cause you wanna win... ♪

Oh. Hi, jason.

Hi.

[chuckles softly]

This is a little Awkward.

How have you been?

Oh, I've been, um... You know.

Yeah. Me, too.

[chuckles softly]

I hope that you don't mind I've been hanging out

With amy.

Oh, no. Not at all.

She's a great girl.

Yeah.

All of my exes are.

Future screens: ♪ 'cause I wanna win again ♪

♪ can I win... ♪

I bumped Into charlie.

And immediately I felt...

Jason: it looks like

He's taking a page From the rule book.

Yeah. Not mine.

I should go. Of course.

It was--it was--it was Great, uh, to see you.

Yeah. Great.

Future screens: ♪ no one told me ♪

♪ how to put the pieces Back together ♪

♪ deep down we're the same ♪

♪ 'cause you wanna win And I wanna win... ♪

As--as a trio With the three of us.

You know--yeah. Yeah. You Know, that that's something

That you'd perhaps Be interested in.

Like, I don't think you Deny that there's

Something going on Here, right?

Looks like you can Use a stiff one.

I'll take 3.

Mm. You have the tolerance Of a fifth grader.

I'll give you 1 1/2.

Do you feel it?

'cause I definitely feel it. I'm feeling it right now.

[new text received chime]

Icebird: ♪ I got beans... ♪

Charlie: now, I know you Said you didn't want

To take me home with you Tonight,

But you really want to.

Trust me.

Icebird: ♪ is some Strong advice ♪

♪ then again ♪

♪ I like to be comfortable ♪

♪ give me the key To that 5-3-oh ♪

♪ that's right ♪

Megan?

Hey. No. Wait. Wait. Wait. Where are you going?

Get back here.

What are you do-- Get over here.

[scoffs] Seriously?

Icebird: ♪ can't put you Aside, not just yet... ♪

Wow. Nice outfit.

You meeting a drug dealer

Or did sam just send you Here to spy on me?

Yes.

That's just great.

Well, you can tell her I'm totally striking out

If that'll make her Feel any better.

I'm sorry, charlie.

I don't get it. I'm following the rules.

No matter what the girls Say they want,

I tell them what they Really want is me.

It's just not working.

I know What you mean.

I follow the rules To the letter,

And they never seem to Work for me either.

I don't know why you Think you need the rules.

You're cute. You're smart. You're funny,

And you actually Listen.

And nobody really listens Anymore, you know?

Also, the freckles In your left eye

Form the shape Of a heart.

No one's ever Noticed that before.

Icebird: ♪ ...Drowning in light ♪

♪ I need to love you ♪

♪ drowning in light ♪

♪ tonight... ♪

Please take me back To your place tonight.

Oh, I--we--we Couldn't--

What you're saying is no,

But what you Want to say is yes.

♪ I just can't put You aside... ♪

[chuckles]

Yes.

[keys jangling]

I can't get it open.

That's ok. It's ok.

We'll go to sam's place.

[chuckles]

Wait. I--I can't Do my friend's brother

On her couch.

Then let's do it On her bed.

Oh. I--I don't think That's a good idea.

You think that's A great idea.

Samantha darnell: ♪ ...Free ♪

♪ thought that You were clever ♪

♪ with your master Disguise ♪

♪ painted pretty colors ♪

♪ then you blackened My eyes ♪

♪ everything you could Find, you took ♪

♪ robbed me blind... ♪

Do you want me to go Down on you first?

No. It's ok.

Too bad.

Ohh! Ok.

Ohh! Oh!

Oh, oh, can--

Can you move a Little to the left?

Oh, that's it. Perfect.

[moaning]

♪ it's your turn to be The one ♪

♪ to crash and burn ♪

♪ say anything ♪

♪ but don't say That you love me ♪

♪ don't say you love me ♪

♪ that you love me ♪

♪ that you love me ♪

♪ don't say sorry... ♪

Wait a minute.

What? Wait a minute.

Hang on.

I can't do this.

Uh...

Here. Oh.

So much better. Ok.

Got it. Lots better.

All right. Fix it.

Ok. Ok.

Ok. Whoo!

Um...

Ok.

Ohh! Oh!

[moaning]

Darnell: ♪ say anything ♪

[chuckles]

Darnell: ♪ but don't say That you love me ♪

♪ no, no, threw me away ♪

♪ then you say That you want me ♪

♪ whoa, oh oh ♪

♪ save your breath 'cause It's your turn ♪

♪ to be the one To crash and burn... ♪

Is this good for you?

Yes. Ohh...

'cause I could do Something differently

If you wanted me to.

No. No! Uh!

I mean...Yes.

[both moaning]

♪ when I never had Yours from the start... ♪

Yes. Ohh!

Yes.

Ohh...Oh!

Fuck yes!

Darnell: ♪ that you love me ♪

♪ that you love me ♪

[both chuckle]

[chuckles]

Sam's gonna be so mad. Ha ha!

I don't even care.

[knock on door]

[flame hissing inside]

Foe: ♪ I watched my lover Love another ♪

♪ on the cold... ♪

Sam...

What are you Doing here?

Hey.

The other night was weird.

And I don't even really Know why I'm here,

But I was doing this thing Where I close my eyes.

And for some reason, You popped into my head,

Which makes no sense. I know.

And I can totally say That to you now

Because I'm moving to This place of openness

And listening to myself.

And I have this urge...

♪ she's coming... ♪

But it looks like You had an urge, too,

And you're right in The middle of indulging it.

I'll see you in class.

But, sam--

Come on. Wait.

Charlie?

Charlie?

Ben: baby, wait.

Are you fucking Kidding me?!

I can explain.

In my own fucking bed!

I know--I know What it looks like,

But I swear-- Get out!

Will you just let me--

Jenna: it's over.

Just calm down For a moment...

Jenna: get out!

We could have A cup of tea.

And just maybe-- No? Ok. Not a cup of tea.

Out now!

Charlie?

[siren in distance]

[moaning]

[moaning]

[new text received chime]

What? Ow.

Look, sweetheart, I know you're upset,

But you're not gonna Leave me out here

With no clothes on.

Fuck yes!

Ben: good evening.

Sam: next on "The girl's Guide to depravity"...

I need you to go out With dean

Wednesday night.

I loathe him.

Sam: this is How we take him down.

Drinks wednesday?

I've known you for A very long time.

And you're not Gonna be able

To resist this all Night.

Sam: what makes you Think you

Can screw around With my brother?

He's just A little kid!

There's nothing Little about...

Stop! What Part of "Stop"

Did you not Understand?

The "Stop" part?

Go to your room.

Ok. [sam screams]

Charlie: ooh. Oh! Jen--sorry.

If I can just--ugh.