Original subtitles

Jocelyn alice: ♪ I see you pass me by ♪

♪ I start to wonder why ♪

♪ you don't know my name ♪

♪ are we on the same page? ♪

♪ why won't you take the time? ♪

Ben?

[door opens]

Hello.

Happy anniversary, Babe.

5 fucking years, eh?

And I thought It was about time

I made you Breakfast in bed.

Jocelyn alice: ♪ could you maybe look back ♪

♪ and give me some Sort of clue? ♪

♪ because I'd like To get to know ya ♪

♪ I got so much I want to show ya ♪

Do I have to Go in there?

I'm pretty sure Jason wants His stuff back.

Maybe I could just Leave it on his Doorstep.

Are you kidding me?

This shit is gold.

It wouldn't last 5 minutes

On these crazy Chicago streets.

I know. I have to go in.

It's just...

He must be So sad.

I don't know.

Maybe he's already Got another girl In there.

Maybe she's, like, Sleeping in his T-shirts

And rolling Her body around On his sheets

And using that Fancy face cream Of yours.

You obviously don't Know him at all.

He's not a player.

He's sweet.

Ok.

Charlie, maybe you Could go in for me.

Absolutely not.

You need to get The fuck

Out of your comfort Zone, girlie.

Kristin diable: ♪ listen close ♪

♪ it's time that I impart ♪

♪ these words of wisdom ♪

♪ on how flirting is an art ♪

♪ you'll never, ever lose ♪

♪ just follow my rules ♪

♪ you'll have Any man you choose ♪

♪ when you follow the rules ♪

♪ just follow the rules ♪

Yes?

Wait.

Is that My face cream?

It was. It's amazing How fast it goes

When you use this stuff All over your body.

Check out how smooth It made my tits.

Why are you wearing Jason's favorite shirt?

Oh, I know, right?

He's so overprotective Of this.

It took me, like, 3 Months and 75 hand jobs

For him to finally Let me borrow it.

You dated jason?

When, exactly?

For 6 months In college.

How do you know Jason?

This is the most Romantic breakfast

Anyone has ever Made for me.

Yeah?

Ever.

[jenna Giggles]

Broken anchor: ♪ sarah says ♪

♪ she won't ♪

♪ take me at my word ♪

♪ anymore ♪

♪ I stare instead And count the cracks... ♪

Do you love me?

So much.

Broken arrow: ♪ I close the door ♪

♪ 13, 14, 5 ♪

♪ awake and keeping The dream alive ♪

♪ with a mind full of lead ♪

♪ sarah says ♪

I love you.

In spite of Everything?

Everything Doesn't matter.

It does.

I'll love you Through everything.

♪ and rolling hills Shot in rolls of stills ♪

♪ all for you ♪

♪ my sad baby blue ♪

♪ poetry in flash ♪

♪ needle art is For young trash ♪

♪ but it'll keep you dry ♪

♪ sarah lies ♪

I'm not perfect.

Neither am I.

I totally get it. When I decided To find myself,

It took me All over the world.

I found that I Had to get rid of all The dicks in my life.

Oh, I'm sorry. I should have led With that.

I'm a lesbian now.

Jason was my last.

He turned me off To dick forever.

Wait. Are you amy, Jason's cool ex?

Don't you live In nepal?

Lived in nepal.

Jason's letting me Crash on his couch

Until I get My shit together.

I'm broke.

You don't happen to have Any job openings

Where you work, Do you?

Can you bartend?

I've seen cocktail.

I hang out At the same bar

Pretty much Every night,

And I know The owner tyler

Is looking for Some new help.

Why don't you give Him your number?

Well, fuck, yeah.

[typing on cell phone]

Hey, how's the brookman Trademark infringement Case?

Just overnighted Hard copies of the letters,

And emailed scans To the attorneys,

And left word on All their voicemails.

Ok, you know That's overkill, right?

It's not even Business hours in l.A.

I'm just trying To get work done.

Jesus, jason. When was the last time

You ate anything that Wasn't a coffee bean?

Rachel, I'm just Trying to focus On work here, ok?

I just broke up With someone I love,

So please Give me a break.

I had feelings for her, Something that I don't Think you know much about.

Let me tell you What I do know.

You live in chicago With 2.7 million people.

Half are female. A quarter are in The right age range.

Take out the ones Who are unavailable Or out of your league,

And that leaves you With at least 75,000 Ladies to choose from.

I like your odds.

Charlie: You know, I mean, I'm ok.

Sam: you know, You're upset.

Charlie: you know that Offices make me Uncomfortable.

Sam: ok.

Mom, do you know Christina? Yeah.

Charlie: I can Make coffees or Something.

I'll be useful.

Dean: yeah. Oh, my god. I saw her at the bar Last night.

My bro.

Dean: the teeth. She got new teeth.

Sam: do you need something? Some papers? Crayons?

No, I'm good.

Dean: they look right. They look real.

They're white, yeah. They're actually not...

[whispers] Charlie.

Dean: she looks Really nice...

You can't Do that here.

So...

I'm sorry. Is today "Bring your drunk loser Brother to work day"?

I must have been Too busy busting my ass On this jade proposal

To catch the memo.

It's not my fault You've been working

On a jewelry proposal For the last 3 days.

Sam, you're a chick, And this is your Territory.

What tag lines Have you given me?

"Jade--it'll make your Friends green with envy"?

Or "Jade--it's better Than your mother's emerald"?

This is crap. Sam, it's all crap.

Look. I'm sorry.

I just need A couple of hours.

I have some good ideas. I just need to perfect them.

Whatever, sam. You know where to find me

When your bolt Of brilliance strikes.

Sam: do you see what I have to deal with?

Yeah. Guys like him Are always swinging Their dick around,

And no matter What you do,

It's never gonna Be good enough.

Jaded.

You know, Maybe, like,

His t-ball teacher Touched him in the--

[snaps fingers]

Don't be jaded. Be jade.

It speaks to me, As a chick.

Ok. I'll put In the proposal.

We should be All set.

Cool.

Great.

Candy?

Yeah!

Hey, mom, you want to Hear this cool new thing I just made up?

Don't be jaded. Be jade.

Yeah. Simple And awesome, right?

Yeah. I just come up With that kind of stuff.

That's why I'm in line For a promotion. Ha ha ha!

Anyway, yeah--

Is he--is he gonna Stop staring at me?

No. No, he's not Gonna stop staring at me.

Uh, mom, I'm gonna Let you go.

This--this kid's Staring at me.

I love you.

Yeah, just For the record,

Uh, you're right.

I am The loser brother.

My girlfriend just Broke up with me Via text.

Hence the, uh...

Dude, that sucks.

I once got broken up With over gchat.

Oof.

Bitches.

Yeah.

Here.

Hey, dude. That's good.

Same here. Ha ha ha!

Um. Hey.

He's awesome.

Huh? What? Yeah.

Surprised. Mmm.

[telephone rings]

Thank you for calling Camilla jordan's office.

How may I assist you?

Ok, please hold One minute.

She's in a conference.

Thank you for calling. How may I assist you?

Yes. I remember Seeing that.

It is right... Yeah. Right here.

Yeah, we got that This morning. Great.

Thank you. Bye.

Hi.

You must be Stan bogart.

I'm megan, Camilla's assistant.

Camilla will be Right with you.

Can I get you A coffee, water, Sparkling water?

Diet coke, sprite?

I think we have Sprite zero.

Darlin', I'd rather Die of dehydration

Than let you And your perky little Legs out of my sight,

So instead of Pouring me a drink,

Why don't you just... [taps couch]

Sit here next to me And tell me how you

Poured yourself into That sexy little number Of yours this morning?

Yes. No, I promise you I'm on my way.

It won't be any more Than, like, 5 minutes, ok?

Yes. No, 5, 10 minutes max.

Wait. Yes, absolutely.

I did that file for you,

So it has been Switched over.

They know what samples.

They have the samples That they need,

And you need-- Wait, hold on. What?

No, ok. No problem.

I can pick that up On my way over.

Absolutely. Yes, yes, yes.

Double tall. Got it.

Yep. Nope.

Up.

Everything is fine.

I'm on my way Right now.

I'm walking out As we speak, ok? Yeah.

[whispers] Crap.

Underwear.

That is so... Nice of you,

But I'm ok right Over here. Thanks.

Totsy: ♪ he's my 5-cent soap ♪

♪ he's my dope on a rope ♪

So...

How long you been With camilla?

I've been her lead Contractor for 10 years.

Yes, I know.

She says You're the best

And she can always Count on you.

You know why?

'cause I know What she wants,

And I always do it Exactly how she likes it.

So tell me...

What do you want, And how do you like it?

Camilla: megan, Go get my lunch.

I want my usual-- Grilled chicken, Power salad,

And vinaigrette On the side

From salad shop.

But salad shop's All the way Across town.

It'll take me At least two hours To get back.

Exactly. Stan...

In my office.

We should be done In about 15.

Totsy: ♪ rub a dub In the tub ♪

♪ I hope nobody's watching ♪

♪ he's my 5-cent soap ♪

♪ he's my... ♪

Uh, megan?

That will never Happen again.

I am, uh, I'm really sorry.

Jason: it's deja vu. I see you standing there, You know.

Jason, The workday's over.

Come out and have A drink like a normal Human being,

Which you are, Even when you're being Sad and mopey.

No, thanks. I think I need just Another night by myself.

Ok. I'll be at bar 24 If you change your mind.

[laughter]

You guys, It's all my fault.

If I wouldn't have Been wearing red,

He wouldn't have Thought of sex.

No. It's not Your fault.

Rule number 122, megan:

Just because you Reel in a creeper

Doesn't mean you can't Throw him back.

All right.

Man: so I've Been looking For these files

For, like, 40 minutes,

And guess who Has them.

Stacey.

So I got to walk Down there

Because the elevator Is still out.

Eduardo has not Fixed that.

It's been, like, A week.

By the time I get upstairs,

I'm a sweaty mess, And our client is A germophobe.

I'm boring you, huh?

Yeah.

Well, I mean, You want to get Out of here?

You want a drink?

We can get some Pizza down the road.

It's great-- Deep-dish, like--

My job is intense.

I spend all day Telling people what to do.

All I want is for Someone to come home

And tell me exactly What to do.

Well, I can think Of a few things

I'd like you to do.

Yeah?

Yeah.

Like what?

[exhales]

Breathe. Relax.

Let's get out of here.

Yeah?

I want your big, Hard cock inside me Right now.

Well, you're gonna Get my hard cock In you,

But I'm not Gonna lie.

It's not big.

Well, I want your Tiny, hard cock in me Right now.

Like a baby carrot.

Yeah.

No, but really, It's not that big.

Oh. You're serious.

I'm gonna Put it in you

After I've made you Come more times With my tongue

Than you've ever Come in a night.

Promise.

That's the first time Anyone has turned me on

By telling me how small Their dick is.

It's like A tater tot.

[exhales and inhales]

Pay the bill.

Over here. Guys, this is amy.

Amy, this is megan, Jenna, and tyler.

I don't want to Speak too soon,

But I have asked Tyler to please, Please, please hire her

As his new bartender.

Tyler: welcome, amy.

Thank you, captain.

All right. Two Long island iced teas,

A vodka soda, Bushmills up, and A vodka cranberry. Go.

Uh, douchebag, Douchebag, Skinny bitch,

Hipster, And hot girl?

Nice. What else Can you do?

I don't have A gag reflex.

Ha! You're in. Whoo!

Welcome to The family.

Thank you!

[music playing]

♪ transmit the angels ♪

♪ is anybody out there? ♪

There you are.

Hey! You made it.

Yeah. Well, I started Talking to my paperwork,

And, uh, it wasn't Saying anything back,

So I figured a change Of scenery might Do me some good.

Oh.

Jason, this is, um...

Byron.

Brian.

Byron. What up, Bro?

We were actually Just leaving,

But have a good time Tonight, ok?

I want to hear some Scandalous stories

By the water cooler Tomorrow. Ok?

Right.

Sure. I'll just be, Uh...

Cool.

Have a good night.

Hey, you see that Girl over there?

I've seen her sitting Here all night.

You can leave with her In less than 10 minutes

If you just walk Up to her,

Nod, and say, "Let's go."

Right. Like that'll work.

Till tomorrow, jay.

I hate to say this,

But I have to go To woodworking.

Yeah. I have to meet Ben for our anniversary.

I got to go Reorganize my closet.

What? I have to relabel Everything.

Have fun with that.

And you--don't Stay out too late.

What?

Hey, you, listen.

Pervs will be pervs No matter what you wear.

So you might as well Wear what you want,

Especially when you Look awesome.

Let's go.

[deeper voice] Let's go.

Let's go.

Let's...Go.

[door opens]

Man: where are we Going?

[toilet flushes]

Let's go.

Sweet.

Oh, my god. That actually worked.

Wow. Nice place.

Thanks. I was, uh, Actually thinking of Redec--

--orating.

Oh.

Yeah.

I was thinking Blue or...

Change the Window dressing...

[unzipping]

Maybe get a new Media cent--ahh.

Hi there, big boy.

Hello.

Totsy: ♪ you say stop, I say go ♪

♪ you say hot, I say cold ♪

♪ you say yes, I say no ♪

♪ how will we get together? ♪

♪ you say black, I say white ♪

♪ you say wrong, I say right ♪

♪ you say dark, I say light ♪

♪ oh, no, don't want to Fight each other ♪

♪ doo ooh ooh ooh ooh ♪

♪ doo ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ♪

♪ ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ♪

♪ and I love you for that ♪

Huh. Wow.

You weren't kidding, Were you?

Really fits In the palm of your Hand, doesn't it?

Yeah. You just wait.

[sighing]

Oh!

I'm sorry.

What?

I can't do this.

What did you say?

I'm saying...

I think you Should go.

[door opens and closes]

[moaning]

Ok. Ok.

[moaning]

Wow.

Big things really Do come in small packages.

Sam: that was fun. That was actually fun.

I could do that All night.

Ahh.

All right, Let's do it.

What?

Let's go Destroy some stuff.

I don't know What you're saying.

You just said You wanted to go Destroy stuff,

So let's go back to My brother's place

And destroy stuff.

Are you trying To say

You hate your brother?

No, no. I love my brother. He's amazing.

Why would you Say that? That's horrible.

I don't know, Maybe because you said

You wanted to Destroy stuff.

No, no. My brother just Moved to sao paolo

To start A hedge fund,

And I'm crashing At his place For a few weeks

To figure Some shit out.

He asked me to Get rid of all The stuff.

So let's go Destroy shit.

Come on!

[train passing by]

Sam: wow. This place Is already pretty Destroyed.

What are you gonna Do--vacuum?

You're gonna need these.

[glass breaking]

Well, you got to-- You got to kick harder.

Harder!

Come on. There we go.

This is my first time Since my ex.

That's ok. I haven't done it In a while, either.

I'm probably gonna Be thinking about him.

That's fine.

Most people are Distracted during Sex anyway.

Trev: ♪ oh, you stepped Into my life ♪

♪ I was so petrified ♪

♪ but I kept coming Back for more ♪

♪ oh ♪

You're beautiful.

Thanks. Sweet.

Thanks.

Just to be clear, this Doesn't mean anything.

I know. I know. You got a lot of stuff.

You're holding it Right now.

Are you saying I'm oppressed?

You think too much.

[both moaning]

[wood cracking]

I just came.

I know. Me, too.

[crash]

[both laugh]

Della swiss: ♪ if I was a road ♪

♪ I would be yellow ♪

♪ a never-ending road ♪

♪ in both directions ♪

♪ and if I was a tree ♪

Next on "Girl's guide To depravity"...

Rule one: Women don't have a clue

What they really want.

What they want is you.

Why are we Doing this?

Oh, it's women's Intuition.

If you can't Access your own,

You have to get close To someone else's Motherboard.

Truth or dare?

Truth.

Oh.

And I had this urge,

But it looks like You had an urge, too,

And you're right In the middle of Indulging it.

Sam. Come on, wait.