Original subtitles

Sorry, babe. I didn't mean to wake you.

What? Go back to sleep.

Are you going Running?

No.

Running is Super bad for you.

Primal man never ran Long distances.

If I leave now, I should be able

To make it to wrigley field And back before work.

Do you want to come?

It's the middle Of the night.

I know.

No.

Ok.

♪ na na Na na na na ♪

♪ na na na na na na ♪

♪ I want to play all day ♪

♪ come on and play this game ♪

♪ I want to play all day ♪

♪ come on and love ♪

♪ listen closer ♪

♪ it's time that I impart ♪

♪ these words of wisdom ♪

♪ on how playing is an art ♪

♪ you'll never ever lose ♪

♪ just follow my rules ♪

♪ you'll have any man You choose ♪

♪ when you follow the rules ♪

♪ just follow The rules ♪

Well, then we can Take it back to my place.

We can cook up some Scallops or cod,

Maybe a little bit Of peanut butter for dessert.

Ha! Exactly. All right.

Ok. I'll see you At 6:00. Ok.

Oh, man.

Are you cooking For a girl?

Yep.

Really?

Oh, yeah.

I never really Pictured you

As the romantic type.

Hmm. What's her name?

Um, I don't know.

I don't know because I haven't been to the bar

To pick her yet.

What? To pick her.

But I thought You were--

Oh, no, no. That's-- That's my buddy blair.

He's the most Amazing wingman.

He's like the pippen To my jordan.

I was already On top of my game,

And now I'm just Winning championships.

So you and blair Are going to a bar,

Where you will Pick a girl

And take her home And cook for her?

Yeah. Why am I gonna Drop all this cash

On these multiple dates When I can just take her home,

Cook for her, And be changing her oil

Before I know Her last name?

Not all women Are idiots.

All right.

I bet I could Cook for a girl,

Any girl, and she'll Not only sleep with me,

But I'll have her Doing the dishes, as well.

You're on.

Oh...

Oh, if I win,

I get to tea-bag Everything on your desk.

Are you an idiot? No.

All right. Fine.

I get the lead on The elle lingerie account.

Deal.

And if I win?

Oh, god, anything You want, princess.

Heh.

It's ok because I've already Tea-bagged everything

On that desk, anyways.

Shit. Fuck.

Tyler, you seem Really stressed.

Are you ok?

No. I'm definitely Going through it.

I need something To calm my nerves.

Sit down. Have a glass Of wine with me.

It's a fruit.

No. Wine isn't Gonna cut it.

I need Something illegal

Or a really big dick.

Can't help you With the dick,

But I do know someone Who can help you

With all your Pharmaceutical needs.

Do it.

Mm, fresh meat.

Ah, game on.

Ok. Game on.

That. Can you--

Douche twat.

Ah, not bad tonight.

It's good. All right.

How about you Scope the scene,

And I will order Us some beers?

Got it.

3 of whatever You got on tap.

Ok. Thanks.

I got you a hottie At 3 o'clock.

Ooh! That's 9 o'clock.

Right.

Ha ha! Yes!

Little, drunk Marisa tomei.

I like. What else you got?

Plan "B"--5 o'clock, Pretty, no self-esteem.

Ooh...

Oh, yes. I love A good fallback score.

Yeah. Yes, boys.

Oh! Oh!

What's happening?

Getting wasted.

Nice one.

Do you have The tickets?

Certainly do.

Behind the glass?

Couple of nosebleeds Just for you.

Don't say I never Do nothing for you.

All right. Can we get 3 golden showers?

I'll take a pass On the golden shower,

Thank you very much.

Let me get the stick Out of your ass.

Well, you can, but I'm still Gonna have to work late.

Cheers, boys.

Cheers. Cheers.

Whoa.

Ahh. All right. I'm out.

By the way, secret squirrel Over by the snooker table,

And there was a cheeky Bit of scruff in the boys' loos

Might be worth A butcher's.

Take it easy.

I have no idea What he just said.

I never understand That dude.

Right. Let me canvass The wine cellar for you.

Eh.

It is a bone yard Tonight.

Dude, I got a turkey

In the microwave Right now.

Let me ring this.

Oh, as-salamu alaykum.

Wa alaykum Some shit.

All right. I'm going Straight to plan "B."

Do it.

Hey.

Hey, there.

This is the time of night Where things get dangerous.

It's 6:15. Exactly.

You're in big trouble.

Maybe you Should sit down

Before you Fall down.

Ok. So... Where were we?

Things were Getting dangerous.

Have we met before?

I'm jennifer.

Last week, I tried To hit on you,

And you told me You were gay.

You sure it was me?

Yes, and now you're Making eyes

With every woman In this bar,

And it's driving Me crazy.

I ain't making those Eyes for me, girl.

You're not? Nope.

Bullshit. It's for my friend.

That's him Right over there.

He has a little Trouble opening up.

You should see me Open up.

I don't know Where you're from,

Jennifer, but I'm from detroit,

Factory town, Born and raised.

My father taught me How to handle a woman.

"Women are like Steel," he said.

"They're tough

Until they get to A certain temperature."

Ooh.

"Get them hot enough, And they will bend.

Oh... "Then...

"Cool them off. Oh...

"Then you get them Hot again.

"You do this all night,

"And they Will get so hot,

They will melt In your hands."

I want to melt In your hands.

Do you? Yes.

Do you? Yes.

But I'm gay.

Would you like To meet my friend?

Come on.

Hey, give me a minute. I'll be right back.

Hello. Ha!

I'm dean. Hi.

Looks like someone Can use a drink.

Mm, I'm dusty. Ok. Ha ha!

Ha ha ha!

- hi. - hey.

Just so you know,

You had me At "Detroit."

What's your drink?

Um, orgasms, Straight up.

Whoa, ok.

We'll get an orgasm, Straight up.

Nobody is there.

Ooh, shh shh shh. Now, here's the question.

Do you like... Mm-hmm?

A nice, Home-cooked meal?

Oh! Ha! Yeah.

Yeah? What do you think-- Scallops or cod?

Mm, anything as long As it's not crabs.

Well, I can't Promise you that.

What? Ha ha!

Why are women so stupid?

Ach, they're not.

They just act that way Because they think

That's what Guys like.

Ok. Yes. Yeah.

I can't believe You're drinking wine now.

Primal man Did not have a way

To derive alcohols From grains.

Yeah? What does jason Think of your primal ways?

He's supportive.

It doesn't matter. This is about me.

Ok. So this is probably Not the best time

To ask for a favor For me, then, huh?

Anything you want.

Will you marry me? Except that.

Seriously. I need a green card.

I'm...Canadian, And if I don't get

A government-issued Piece of paper,

I got to get The fuck out.

Oh, civilization Really does suck.

Speaking of uncivilized, Look at that outfit.

That must be her.

Don't look So excited.

Candy.

Uh... Uh... No... No...

Just lick it. Just lick it.

I'm trying. Ok.

Yeah.

You like what I made for you?

Um, yeah. It was so good.

Yes.

So... Yeah?

Do you like How I poached

Those japanese Purple potatoes?

Um, whatever. Yeah?

Rrrr! Hee hee!

Yeah. Yeah.

Do you like how I braised Those sea scallops?

Whatever. Yeah?

Yeah. Let's switch it. Aah!

Oh, yeah.

Nasty. Oh, my god.

Oh, kiss me.

Holy god. Oh, yeah.

Cost me a lot of-- Shut up.

Ok. Ha ha!

Shh. No more talking. Ok.

No more talking! Mm-hmm.

Aah!

Aah! Oh! Yes!

Ha ha! Yes.

Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah? Yeah.

Ha ha! Ooh...

Do one thing for me.

Anything.

Yeah? Yeah.

Do my dishes.

What? Yeah.

When we're all done, I want you to do

All my dishes Completely naked.

It's a huge fantasy.

That's so weird. Really?

Yeah. That's So fucked up.

Come on.

That's like some fifties Misogynistic porn shit.

Oh, come on.

No fucking way. What a turnoff.

I was just kidding.

Is it too much to ask For a simple

Pick up a guy at a bar And have a no-strings-attached

Fuck on a wednesday night?

But then you have to go And start cooking me

Some weird food crap?

I'm not even hungry.

Ok. Come on.

I didn't even buy That crap for you.

I bought it for A date I have tomorrow.

Oh, dude, grow up. Wha--

Guess I'm doing The dishes myself.

Hmm...Hi.

Hey.

I was waiting. Where have you been?

I texted you. At bootleg.

Primal man Had booze?

Wine is a fruit.

Oh.

Tyler is canadian. Did you know that?

He needs A green card asap,

Or he's gonna have To leave the country.

Hmm, really? Tyler is being dramatic.

What a surprise.

No. It's serious. He'll get deported.

Ok. I'll talk to him.

I'm sure there's A legal loophole.

Think I'm gonna Hit the sack.

You want to join me?

I don't know why I feel so bloated

And exhausted Tonight.

I can't.

I have to do my new Meditative breathing thing.

Ok.

Do you have Any ice cream?

Sex, romance, love--

I would choose ice cream Over all of it.

I know.

I was just thinking The same thing.

Just kidding.

I don't think I was Actually thinking that.

♪ I'm singing In the-- ♪

♪ just swinging For you ♪

♪ I want to... ♪

Let me get-- Oh, yeah.

Let me just get a little Focus on those tits, then.

Oh, god, this Is fucking amazing.

Oh, that's it.

Oh, I have to Remember this for later.

I could fuck you Back to back.

Stupid, Fucking asshole.

Fuck you.

You fucking asshole,

I hope you go To fucking hell.

You all right, love?

Who is it?

Oh, it's my friend Jenna.

She's really cool.

Should I answer?

We're cool.

Yeah. We are. Mm.

Hey, jenna.

Hey, sam, what are you Doing right now?

Oh, I'm just hanging out With my friend megan

Here on The fire escape.

Can I come over?

Oh. Well, yeah. You could come over.

Like now?

Oh, sure.

Ok.

That's ok, right?

That would be Awesome.

Ok. Cool.

I don't really Have any friends.

Me, neither.

I had one friend, But she moved.

I found a sex tape.

Oh, honey.

Megan, Vodka tonic.

Coming right up.

What happened?

I literally Just forgave him,

And then this skank Texts him

With this video.

You checked His text messages?

You always check Their text messages.

This happened to lizzie All the time

Before she mastered The rules.

What?

Oh, these rules I used to Follow with my friend lizzie.

They're stupid. What rules?

It's like a handbook--

"How to get laid Without getting screwed."

It's stupid.

Oh, my god, I love handbooks.

Wow.

They haven't really Been working for me,

But your rules Work for you.

You have A boyfriend.

Yeah, but I had to break The rules to get him.

Oh? Like what?

Like rule number 43-- Never fall in love

With a guy you meet At a bar.

You're in love? No.

I'm not in love. I just--

You're not In love?

No. I mean, I might be maybe.

Do you still Have it?

Yeah, but these rules Are stupid.

They're a waste Of time.

Can we see it?

"The best way To get over a guy

Is to get under Another guy."

"Rule number 67--

Douches are bad For your vagina."

Vodka?

"Rule number 17--

Don't cry. Make him cry."

"Rule number one--

There's more than one Way to fuck a man."

Truer words have Never been spoken.

Sam, these Are amazing.

I'm in. When can we start?

I'm telling you, These rules are dangerous.

They make you feel invincible, But you're not.

They would be Dangerous

If we didn't have Someone to lead us.

Well...

I'm not gonna lead you Down a path

Of depravity And destruction.

You are much too young, And you--

Come on, sam! Just let me try it.

I mean-- Shh!

You did, And you're awesome.

I can't stop you.

When shit hits the fan, Don't say I didn't warn you.

How about this?

Whenever I need To talk to you

Or you need to talk to me, We'll just yell,

"Fire escape," and We'll meet out there.

How are you gonna Hear each other?

Thin walls. Thin walls.

Well, what About me?

Cell phones.

Ok.

You sent the sex tape To my mum.

You made the Fucking sex tape.

I told you about this. We talked about it.

I confessed, And you forgave me.

I saw your phone Earlier--

"What are you Doing later?"

I'm such a fucking asshole To think that you

Were actually Working late.

I was fucking Working late.

What?

I was working late. We were all there.

You can ask anyone At the office.

Call them.

But you said you needed To take a shower

When you got home because You needed to smell nice.

I wanted to take a Shower because I wanted

To have sex With you tonight

Without Smelling like some

Sweaty office worker Who spent

All fucking day In the bloody office.

How do you think I'm gonna know--

Jenna, if I could take Back the 15 minutes

Of my life that I spent Fucking that girl--

Who, by the way, Was only doing it

To get back at Someone else--

I would, But I can't.

You ever think I'm gonna get That image out of my head?

I am sorry.

I am honestly, Truly sorry,

But I don't know what Else I'm supposed to do.

I know What you can do.

What? Let me hit you.

Hit me.

Ah! What the hell?

Oh...

Mm...

Can you tell me What fabric this is?

This is satin, Really cheap satin.

Exactly. I ordered Top-quality silk.

Oh, no.

Camilla will be back Any minute.

Will you Have a seat?

Don't worry.

She'll take care Of this.

Oh...

Is that "Electric holiday"?

Hello?

Hi.

I'm sorry.

I was literally just Singing that song

Before you came in.

It's the Greatest remix.

They're geniuses.

Total geniuses.

I'm going To their concert

Tonight, actually.

No way. I had no idea They were in town.

Would you like To go with me?

Sure.

Megan,

I'm sorry to interrupt Your social calendar,

But apparently, shawn and I Have business to attend to.

Just give me a call. Great.

Mm! Mm!

Mm-hmm. Mm.

I can't wait To have sex with you.

Me, too.

Ha ha ha! Oh...

Hey, do you have A stereo in here?

I think so. I'm still Kind of unpacking.

Uh...Oh. Right there.

I want to fuck to "Electric holiday."

That's my fantasy.

Mine, too.

Ha ha!

♪ oh, oh ♪

♪ oh, oh ♪

Ha! Ha ha ha!

♪ oh, oh, Is the feelings real? ♪

Ha ha ha!

♪ decided to take a ride ♪

♪ on the train Through the night ♪

♪ leaving work behind ♪

♪ it's hard, But it feels so right, baby ♪

♪ trucking through the night ♪

♪ got my drink, And it feels so right ♪

Ha ha ha!

Hee hee hee!

Whoo!

Ha ha ha!

Mm...

Mm...

Ha ha! Hee hee!

Ha ha ha!

♪ the electric train ♪

♪ my holiday ♪

♪ goes chugga chugga chugga Chugging thataway ♪

♪ like water skis, My batman knees ♪

♪ over, over, over To infinity ♪

Ha ha ha!

Ahh...

Ha ha ha!

♪ goes chugga chugga Chugga chugging thataway ♪

♪ like water skis, My batman knees ♪

♪ over, over, over To infinity ♪

♪ over, over, over ♪

♪ over, over, over ♪

♪ over, over, over ♪

♪ over, over, over ♪

♪ over, over, over To infinity ♪

♪ the electric train, My holiday ♪

♪ goes chugga chugga chugga Chugging thataway ♪

♪ like water skis, My batman knees ♪

♪ over, over, over To infinity ♪

♪ the electric train, My holiday ♪

♪ goes chugga chugga chugga Chugging thataway ♪

♪ like water skis, My batman knees ♪

♪ over, over, over To infinity ♪

So how was your day?

Mm, today was great.

Tried a west african Dance class.

It was really fun.

Do you want To come next week?

Not really.

So how was your day?

My day was good.

Just a lot Of boring work stuff.

Hmm.

How are your New friends?

Oh, they're good, I think.

They have Their phones off,

So they're probably Getting laid.

Really? That's the first Thing you think of

When you can't Reach someone?

Old habits, I guess.

Sam, can we talk?

Sure.

I'm just worried That you're coping

With lizzie being gone by Doing all this weird stuff,

And I don't think It's healthy.

Weird stuff?

You think the stuff That I do is weird?

Well, it's not normal To wake up at 3:30

In the morning And go slow walking

To wrigley field And back.

It's not normal To deprive yourself

Of conventional Forms of nutrition.

It's normal for me.

No, it's not.

You're a totally Different person

That I can't recognize.

Well, this is me.

This is me now.

I think we have To break up.

What?

Next on "Girl's guide To depravity"...

So does this mean You're gonna be extra bitchy

Because you're not Getting laid?

Did the andrews Contract come in?

I was just about To bring it in.

But instead, you wrote Yourself some moronic notes.

Ben?

Hey, you.

You're terrible.

Ah, this is so much More fun than the gym.

Aah!

That's just charlie. It's my brother.

You guys just Hang out here?

Ok, kids. Not gonna happen.

You're about To get lucky.

Whoa, what Are you doing?