Original subtitles

[thunder]

[animal howls]

[thunder]

Aah!

Kristin diable: ♪ listen closer ♪

♪ it's time that I impart ♪

♪ these words of wisdom ♪

♪ on how playing is an art ♪

♪ you'll never ever lose ♪

♪ just follow my rules ♪

♪ you'll have any man You choose ♪

♪ when you follow the rules ♪

♪ just follow The rules ♪

[creaking]

Oh, you're so good.

Uh!

Oh, I love you.

[moaning]

28, 29, 30,

31, 32, 33, 34...

Why are you Counting?

No reason. Are you close?

Yeah. Yeah? Good.

Oh, me, too.

[moaning]

Uh...Ahh...

Ah, heh. Heh.

[alarm rings] Waah!

Sorry.

25, 26...

27...

28...

29...

30...

31...

Hey, babe. Hey.

What are you doing?

Nothing.

Just getting rid of All my old hair ties.

Getting A haircut?

Nope.

Babe...

Babe...

Babe, why are you Throwing away

All the cereal?

I'm on a diet.

Ok. Can we talk?

Mm-hmm.

What's going on, Honey?

You're getting rid Of a lot of things

This morning.

Yeah. I've been Thinking.

All this stuff, It isn't me.

It's time to do me.

Is this about Lizzie leaving?

Don't know.

Oh, hey, oh, Whoa, whoa.

Well, as long As your diet doesn't

Exclude incredibly Good-looking lawyers

Who want to Take you to dinners

And movies And make you happy

For the rest Of your life,

Then I say That change

Is probably A good thing.

Nadia fay: ♪ she's got a twinkle In both eyes ♪

♪ she's calculating Your demise ♪

♪ she covers up her lies With lines ♪

♪ she's a bad girl ♪

♪ she's a bad girl ♪

♪ that's why you want her ♪

♪ that's why you want her ♪

♪ that's why you want her ♪

[whistling]

Excuse me.

Could I get you To sign for this?

This is your Office, right?

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

This is my office. Mm-hmm.

[no audio]

Dean: and the only reason To text a girl after 11 p.M.

Is for a booty call.

Oh, no. No, no, no. Don't ask about it.

You can find out Everything you need

To know about a girl By asking her

One simple question--

"Tell me about Your relationship

With your father."

Mm-hmm. Oh, I know.

Dude, girls With daddy issues--

Actually, speaking of, How's it working out

With sam as your point Person on the deal?

You guys getting along?

Hey, has she shown up To one of your meetings

Yet with The ostrich outfit?

Yes! Exactly. Ha ha!

Yeah. Yeah. Anyway, I got to go.

I'll tell her You called. Bye.

Who was that, and why Are you on my phone?

It was fowler, And I picked up

Because the client Needed you

And you weren't There for him.

You're welcome, By the way, princess.

Why the hell Would I thank you

For giving inappropriate Dating advice

To my client?

I thought he was The firm's client, princess.

Don't answer My phone,

And stop calling me Princess.

Sam, you all set for The fowler pitch tomorrow?

Um, oh. I, um--

She's totally set, sir.

We've been practicing All morning.

In fact, we've been working So well together,

She asked me to come To the meeting with her.

Great. Actually--

I love teamwork.

Expect good things From you two tomorrow.

Once again, you're Welcome, princess.

[whispering] How did it go?

Oh, great.

I knew it.

She had The greatest ass

That I've ever seen.

[cell phone chimes]

No.

[cell phone chimes]

[cell phone chimes]

[trumpet playing]

[cell phone chimes]

[cell phone chimes]

Whew, all right. You ready to order now?

Just one more minute.

One more Ahead of you.

That's cool. Ok.

Any kind of taste For anything

In particular, or--

Yeah.

Maybe protein. Protein. Ok.

I got a lemon Pepper tilapia

With a macadamia Nut hash.

It's all Organically sourced.

Yeah. I don't--

I got a pretty Lady salad

With some chopped Balsamic strawberries...

Yeah. No. I don't think so. No.

Oh, ok.

Actually, if you Want to step aside--

No, no, no. I'll just be Just one minute.

See, it's a lunch hour, Not a lunch epoch.

Yeah. Heh.

You know what? I will just take the special.

[sighs]

Hey.

Is it weird That I miss you already?

A little weird But nice.

How was lunch?

Pretty awesome, Actually.

At least you Got a lunch.

Lizzie really left us In the lurch on a few cases.

Has anyone there Heard from her?

No. Haven't you?

No.

She's probably too busy Having whoregasms

All over paris.

I can't get a signal. It's like we're in china.

Are we in china? No. We're in paris.

So why can't I get A fucking signal?

I'm dialing-- Sam? Sam? Sam?

Stop. Shh. Sam?

[beeping]

Stupid, cocksucking, Motherfucking cunt dick!

Bonjour.

[sighs]

Woman: ♪ red lights on In the desert scream ♪

♪ they try so hard, But it can't redeem ♪

♪ real sick hearts Got a hold of me ♪

♪ I want to hide, But I want to see ♪

♪ what is this Evil place I'm in? ♪

♪ footsteps cry Like a siren call... ♪

I'm sorry. I'm such a klutz.

Bukowski, huh?

Ever read "Post office"?

Only about A million times.

Seen you here almost Every night this week.

I come here every night So I won't go there.

What's wrong With there?

I get into Trouble there.

Nothing wrong with A little trouble.

You're bad. Ha!

But then...

So am I.

What's your name?

I'll hit you up On instagram.

I don't do Instagram.

Old school. I love it.

Jason: hey, baby.

Sam: hey.

How was your day?

It was great.

Well, I got us A bottle of wine.

Thought we could Make a night of it.

I'll do my best Lizzie impression.

I'll act bitchy And curse a lot.

Mm! Mm...

Mm mm. Mm. Mm-hmm.

Mm?

Maybe tomorrow.

You know what I think?

What?

Fuck the rules.

Uh, whoa, whoa, Whoa, whoa.

Are you sure you Want to do that?

Fuck the rules.

I fucked up. I know I did...

But losing you was The biggest wake-up call

I could've had.

So you're saying you Had to fuck someone else

To realize you wanted To be with me.

Well, yeah, Actually.

I know "You don't know what You've got until it's gone"

Is just a stupid cliche.

If that's what it took For me to realize

I want to spend the rest Of my life with you,

Then I'm happy that It happened now,

And not in 5 years From now

Or even two Months from now.

Why?

Because I want The rest of my life

To start right now.

Well, you can't ever Fucking do that again.

I won't.

[ding]

Ha ha ha!

Come on. You Absolutely love me.

No.

Yeah. Come on.

Woman: ♪ you want To take my heart ♪

♪ you want to do it all again ♪

♪ I will ♪

♪ babe, you know I will ♪

How ugly was she?

She was as ugly as Your great-aunt doris

After you got back From that two-month

Sun bake In costa rica.

How fat was she?

She was as fat as The miss piggy air balloon

In the macy's day Parade.

And she Was dumb, right?

Next to you, Shot blanks.

You hated when she Touched you, right?

Every moment of it.

And...

What did she Look like naked?

I can't even Remember.

Woman: ♪ so you can Take my heart ♪

♪ so you can take my heart ♪

♪ and you can do it all again ♪

You asshole--

Fucking, cheating Asshole.

That's all In the past now.

Clean slate, Remember?

Remember this?

Oh, yeah. I rememb--aah!

Remember me?

Yeah. Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, fuck, I remember.

No one will ever Know you...

Like I know you.

Woman: ♪ I keep coming back ♪

♪ I keep coming back to you ♪

♪ you ♪

♪ I'm all yours, I'm all yours ♪

♪ and I start to fall, And I start to fall ♪

♪ I can't think at all, Can't think at all ♪

♪ 'cause I want you, want you ♪

♪ want it all, I want it all ♪

♪ and I'm standing tall, And I'm standing tall ♪

♪ so don't make me crawl, Don't make me crawl ♪

Did you forget?

Yeah.

Don't forget again.

Whew...

[exhales]

[cell phone chimes]

Is that lizzie?

No, my little bro.

Charlie? What does he want?

Don't know.

You know what I think?

I think you should Call some old girlfriends,

Have a nice Girls' night out tonight.

But it's Our date night.

Forget about date night. Call some old friends.

Think it'd be Good for you.

Ok. I'll do it... For you.

Actually, Scratch that.

I'll do it for me.

Thanks for asking About lizzie.

Just doing my job. Hmm.

Sam: so what do you say?

Up for a little girls' Night out action tonight?

Tyler: well, as Flattered as I am

That you called, You do know

I have a penis, Right?

I believe I have visual Confirmation of that, yes.

Look, hon, I'd love to, But I can't leave

The bar in the hands Of the help,

At least not this help.

What about lizzie?

I thought you two were Joined at the vagina.

She didn't tell you?

Tell me what?

She left to go fuck around Europe with laurent.

She may not even Come back.

What? No.

That little slunt Did not tell me.

Damn, the man must Have a magique dick.

Yeah. He tapped Her with it, and, poof,

She forgot who she was And who her friends are.

Seriously? Seriously.

Babe, I got to go.

We'll talk About this later.

Man ♪ so you got To say what you mean ♪

♪ do what you say you will ♪

You're going out With ben tonight?

I thought you two Were broken up.

Yeah. We were, But he found a way

To make it up to me.

Mm, could you add a little more Soy in that, babe?

How?

I'll tell you later.

Hey, patty, it's sam.

I don't know If you remember--

Penny, actually, Patty's cousin.

Patty is indisposed At the moment,

But I have Her full inventory,

So tell me What you need

And I can get it to you In 20 minutes.

For an extra 20, I can get it to you in 10.

Actually, I was just Calling about a hang.

Ahang? Who makes that-- Devantis, cencorp?

Is it one of those New trial drugs?

Because I have a guy In denmark who gets

All the stuff before It's released here.

Oh, no. I'm clean now. It's not a pill.

Never mind. This was a dumb idea.

Sorry to bother you.

It's no bother.

Call me anytime You need

For all of your Pharmaceutical goods.

Pill pusher penny. Put it in your phone.

Man: ♪ say what you mean ♪

♪ act how you say you will ♪

♪ or it'll just get worse ♪

Dean: hot.

Sam: hey.

Sam, what are you Doing here?

Do you want a bj? What?

Come on. It'd be fun.

Let's just sneak Into the ladies room.

Um, that'll be all For now, jack.

Thanks.

Jack: here are Your notes, sir.

Hey. Hey.

Absolutely not and under No circumstances ever

Could I do that here.

Ohh...

I was gonna join The gym,

But I thought It might be fun

To do Something wild.

Aren't you going out With the ladies tonight?

Nah. I thought maybe We could hang out.

Listen.

Give me a minute.

Let me finish up here,

And then we'll Do something...

Something totally Nice and normal,

Like dinner.

Good, good, good.

File this Under mcdonough.

Mcdonough. Ok. Jacket?

Thank you. Sure.

Jason lutz, Senior counsel?

Uh, yes,

Interim Senior counsel.

Interim senior counsel Just ended.

I'm rachel ward, Senior counsel.

I'll need my office By tomorrow.

You're bad. I am bad.

I'm very, very bad, And I need a spanking.

Ok.

Oh! Again.

Man: ♪ 'cause things only change If you let them ♪

♪ I think about the time We used to spend ♪

♪ every breath was golden ♪

♪ we didn't have to pretend ♪

♪ if there was Anything we wanted... ♪

Is that cat crying?

[megan moaning]

Don't know.

Man: ♪ glory days ♪

♪ oh, the glory days ♪

Oh! Ow! Oh!

What? Doesn't it Feel good?

No, that didn't Feel good. Ohh!

Let's see.

Aah! Ohh!

I think we should Call the police.

[megan moaning]

Huh. It's sex moaning.

Thought I was done With nympho neighbors.

Jason, focus.

Ah...

Ah, yeah.

Ah...

[moaning]

Ooh! Ha ha!

Yeah. Yes. That's it.

[moaning]

Ha ha! Oh! Oh!

You're such a--oh!

Oh, what a bad boy. Yeah. Oh! Yeah.

Suck on my toes. Come on.

Suck, suck. Suck on them.

Suck. Suck. What?

Suck on my toes.

Ok. I can't Reach them.

[pounding]

Man: ok. Ok, ok.

Suck them. Ok. Ok.

Ok. Ok. This is getting A little too weird for me.

What? Sorry. Sorry.

What-- What--

I thought you Were a bad boy

Who liked Bad girls like me.

I'm not a bad boy.

I'm just a dork Who dresses

In this stupid persona To get girls, all right?

Now I'm leaving.

Wait. I'm a dork, too.

[megan crying]

Shower sex?

How does that work With all that water?

[water running]

[megan crying]

[megan wailing]

Now it sounds Like a bear.

Ohh...

Actually, I think She's crying.

Oh, no. Now I feel bad.

Yeah. Me, too.

Should we do Something?

No. Yeah. I don't know.

Sometimes you just Have to be alone.

Well, you don't Have to be alone.

[wailing continues]

I'm sorry, but her crying Sounds like her sex moaning.

Ohh...

You ok?

I can try to block it out If you want.

It's ok. I can't Concentrate, either.

Where you going?

I'll Be back.

We were in The middle of sex,

And then he just up And leaves.

Who does that, Right?

Nope. I mean, Am I too fat?

Is pubic hair Back in?

God, what's wrong With me?

Yes. Yes. No. I read the book.

What?

"Real housewives of Beverly hills" is on?

No, no. It's ok. Bye, mom.

[sniffles] [beep]

Uh! Fuck that!

Oh...

[sniffles]

[sobs]

Rough night?

Yeah.

You probably Heard everything.

God, now I'm even More mortified.

Oh...

Oh, god, don't be.

Seriously, if you Lived here last year,

You would've heard All that a much worse

Coming from over here.

Oh, my god.

I can go inside If you want to be alone.

No. It's ok.

It's kind of nice to Have someone to talk to

At times like these.

Yeah. It is.

[sniffles]

What kind is it?

Cookies and cream.

Oh, my gosh.

It's my favorite.

It's amazing.

Oh, my gosh, get a nice, Big spoonful,

It's so good.

Woman: ♪ ooh ♪

♪ this is all we know ♪

You got a hold on me

And when the fire abates

I see it in you

This happened to lizzie All the time

Before she Mastered the rules.

Can we see it?

I'm telling you, These rules are dangerous.

When can we start?

I'm not gonna lead you Down a path

Of depravity And destruction.

Come on, sam.

Hottie At 3 o'clock.

I'm dean. Hi.

Looks like someone Could use a drink.

Why are women So stupid?

Cha-ching.

What happened?

I literally Just forgave him,

And then this skank Texts him with this video.

You sent the sex Tape to my mum.