Original subtitles

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[audience applauding, cheering]

[upbeat music playing]

Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX

[emcee] Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage, Gerry Dee!

[music ends]

Thank you very much.

Thank you.

Thank you for coming.

Wow.

This is a very special night for me,

for my family,

who did not come.

They didn't come.

I thought this was a bigger deal, but they're like,

"No, it's… Good luck. Go get 'em."

[laughs] So here by myself.

I guess my wife's like, "I've seen you work so much."

I'm like, "Okay."

Here we are. We've been married 18 years.

-So, uh, you know, if you… Yeah. -[crowd applauding]

I'll tell her you clapped. I'll tell her you clapped.

No, 18 years of marriage.

Uh, she's great.

We have a 17-year-old.

[audience laughing]

That flew by.

How quickly do kids grow up, huh?

Seventeen years, it was like a blink of an eye.

I remember putting her in her crib.

Then you blink, and boom, 17.

Goes by so fast.

Eighteen years of marriage, not a blink of an eye. I don't know why.

I don't know why. It's like the same amount of time.

You blink, you wake up, you're still here.

Yeah. Hello.

Every morning we meet in the kitchen.

[audience laughing]

[laughs]

We're monogamous.

That's not fun.

[audience laughing]

I'm telling you, it's not.

Some of you here agree with me, but you're with your spouse.

You can't…

No one likes it. I don't know why you'd like it.

No one. No one in the world likes it. But you have to do it, or it's trouble.

That's how that works.

Oh my gosh.

I don't like it. I'm not gonna lie.

[audience laughing]

"Till death do us part." That's what we said.

That's what we said, all of us, if you got married at an altar.

"Till death do--" Yes. And just us. Monogamy, I love it.

You say that.

Day one, that's easy to say, right?

You know when that slogan was written? "Till death do us part."

The 1500s.

When people died of a cough in three years.

You're like, "Yeah, sure. Why not? Death do us part? Yeah."

"One of us is dead in three years from…"

Not now. Now we live to 90s, 100, monogamy.

Humans are the only mammals that are monogamous.

And we have two dogs that sleep in the bed with us,

so now we're celibate.

We're celibate.

[laughs] We're celibate and monogamous.

Till I die. Shoot me.

Just shoot me. That's…

I didn't sign up for that. The priest at the altar didn't go,

"You'll be celibate and monogamous in about six years. You good with that?"

"Yeah, forever. Till one of us kills each other."

Love monogamy.

[audience laughing]

No other mammals.

Pick a mammal. Pick a mammal.

Lion, tiger, deer.

Doesn't matter. Not monogamous.

If they aren't, doesn't matter. Don't get in trouble.

It doesn't matter what they do.

You could be a lion in the jungle.

Your wife's eating grass. You're cheating on her right there.

Nothing happened. Nothing.

There's no divorce. There's nothing. There's no fight.

She might say, "What are you doing?"

You're like, "Oh, I thought that was you. What the hell?"

Got the same… You got the same mane.

You got the same mane.

Why don't you highlight your mane so you look different?

Otherwise, it's gonna keep happening.

Some people have an open marriage.

Ooh!

That sounds so fun.

It does. I don't know if it's as fun as it sounds.

Um, I don't even know how you bring that up.

You… [laughs]

You better be damn sure your spouse is on board with this

if you're gonna bring that up.

[audience laughing]

"Honey, what about an open…? What do you think of an open…?"

"Yeah, I know. It's so stupid. I don't like the idea."

"I don't like that idea one bit."

"Nope. Don't like it."

[audience laughing]

She's at home right now. She's a stay-at-home mom.

That's a tough job.

[woman cheers]

Thank you. It is.

It's often thankless.

There's no money.

I know that.

[audience laughing]

It's a very important job.

She… is a stay-at-home mom.

That's what she's… I say "was."

The kids are in school now. Like, what?

Like, it's… it's a different job now.

They have this break from, like, nine to three.

That's not a normal job.

They're… they're just in school.

Did all the work when they were little. That's hard. I couldn't do it.

I tried for a couple hours once. I'm like, "When are you home? This is…"

"What? Like, how long does this take?"

[audience laughing]

But it was really hard at the beginning.

Now it's a good gig for her.

The kids are in school all day.

It's a… it's a different job. I don't… I don't know how to explain that.

But it's… I got to be careful when I ask her,

because she's like, "Where are you going with this?"

I'm like, "Well, you got to…"

"It's a pretty good job now, right? You got a break from nine to three."

"It's like a nice little job."

[audience laughing]

[laughs] "I got to keep going, touring."

She's like, "Oh, is that right?"

I said, "Like…"

And I… I was genuinely, genuinely curious.

When my final… when our final child went to school full-time,

and about two months went by, I went…

So I wanted to know what her days were like

because they were so busy.

I was just… I was just trying to be nice. I was just trying to make conversation.

It… it didn't go well.

I said, "What, so what do you… what do you do now?"

And I tried to make it fun.

I said, "What do you do? What do you do now? Like, what…?"

It didn't help with a little laughter. It did nothing.

She's like, "What?"

I said, "What's like… What's the day? What's the job?"

"What's the stay-at-home mom?"

"What's the mom part right now?"

"Like, it's more, like, stay-at-home person. Kind of just…"

[audience laughing]

[laughs] She was not happy.

[audience laughing]

She said, "Well, today, smart-ass,

I got to pick up fruit for the kids' lunches tomorrow."

I waited. I thought there was more. That was… that was… that was the day.

That was a day. I don't know. Are you picking them?

Are you picking the fruit in the mountains? Like what?

How much fruit are you buying? We got scurvy I don't know about in the family?

That's a lot of fruit.

It's a whole day. She makes a whole day out of that.

"Gotta get the good fruit. Can't go to the same place."

No, you can. You can actually go to one place.

We're not that picky. Stop buying bananas.

She buys bananas every week. New bananas, no one eats them.

We have 45 bunches of bananas right now in our freezer

for this big banana bread she keeps talking about making.

How busy are you? Make the banana bread. It's not a hard recipe.

[audience laughing]

[laughs] One day she was funny because she kind of…

She didn't realize she said she had a busy day.

She goes, "I have such a busy day."

And I was like, "Okay, let's…"

"I know the fruit… I know the fruit day was busy,

but you just brought it up. This is busy."

"Yeah."

She said, "I got to pick up a gift

for our son who's going to a birthday party."

"And I got to return a book to the library for our daughter."

So there was… there was two things that day.

It was… And she was just like, "I don't know how I'm doing it."

I don't know… I don't know if she…

I don't know if other stuff happens,

but she comes home at five o'clock.

I did pickup, which is part of the stay-at-home mom job,

but I did that that day because she was busy.

She was busy.

[inhales] She comes in the door. I go, "How was your day?"

Trying to be… "How was your busy day?"

She goes, "You know what's funny?"

"I didn't even have time to return the book."

[audience laughing]

You know, we got to work on your scheduling, your management.

[audience laughing]

[laughs]

I couldn't do it without her.

[spluttering] One of the things I realized when the kids were little was, like,

I'm not getting divorced.

I don't want them every third day by myself.

That is… that is torture.

She went away once.

I'm like, "Where are you?" What are you doing?

She went away for two days.

Two days.

It felt like forever.

So I realized what she does now.

'Cause I did it for two days, and she only texted me once.

That was it.

One text in two days.

I'm like, "What's going on?"

Better be monogamous right now.

[audience laughing]

[laughs] Check the Ring app. You can't cheat. You have a Ring app.

[audience laughing]

[clears throat]

We watch a lot of movies together now. That's…

The kids are doing their own thing.

Teenagers don't care. They don't want to hang out.

I thought… I thought when I had three kids,

we'd be playing Monopoly on Friday nights when they were…

They're not. We're not. They're not home. We just…

[audience laughing]

We just pick them up, drop them off, Uber once in a while.

The other night I watched a movie with her that I'd seen over 25 years ago,

Indecent Proposal.

And I'll tell you, if you haven't seen that movie, um,

the plot is basically a young couple gets married

and a millionaire, older gentleman walks into the bar

and offers a million dollars to the couple for one night with the wife.

And I remember watching it, single, 26, going,

"No, what are you…?" Like, "What are you doing, man?"

"You don't do that."

"You don't sell your wife for a night. I don't care how much money it is."

"Give me a hundred million dollars, I'm not doing that."

I remember saying that to myself.

[audience laughing]

I… I genuinely was sincere.

I'm like, "This is… I can't believe I'm watching this garbage."

"What kind of jerk…? How'd they make a movie of this? This is so bad."

She did it, and it ruined the marriage.

I'm like, "Yeah, duh."

"Of course it did, idiot."

[laughs]

We watched it two weeks ago together.

It's… It is such a different vibe.

It is so… I remember being so confused.

I'm like, "Who… who gets the million?"

"Does he give the old guy the million? I don't get this."

"Does he give him a million to sleep with you? I don't get it."

"I don't get the story."

Doesn't seem to be much of a plot here because it's obviously "yes."

She says… she says, I'm not even talking to her,

but she goes, "I'd do it for 50,000."

Fifty thousand.

[audience laughing]

She's saying it to the TV like it's The Price Is Right.

"Fifty thousand. I'll do it for fifty thousand."

[laughs] Go watch it with your wife.

You're in a monogamous, celibate relationship. Go watch it.

A lot of my friends are getting divorced, and they're dating on the apps.

I missed the app world.

It sounds fun.

It sounds awesome.

But my friend showed me this app.

He's 50.

So we were in Edmonton.

We were just… him and I were just traveling,

and I go, "What are you doing?"

He goes, "I'm just seeing if I can find someone on the app."

I'm like, "Wow, that sounds so good."

-[laughs] -[audience laughing]

But then he showed me the options. It wasn't… It wasn't…

It was like nine girls that just kept going around in a carousel.

I'm like, "I wouldn't… None of those did it for me."

But one of the girls left a lasting impression on me

in his first group in the 50 to 60.

This is a woman who is trying to find love,

and I hope she does.

It's gonna be tough, but I hope she does.

No, I'll tell you why.

She… she was in a hospital bed.

This was… this was her way of going, "Look, this is who I am."

"I… I don't… I don't…"

"I'm not gonna trick you with some fake picture."

[laughs] But you went a bit too far, Louise.

Because you could have, like…

She had the…

She must have had some sort of lung issue because she had the… the tubes.

[audience laughing]

Yeah, in the picture, with the… to the tank.

[audience laughing]

And she's leaning on the tank.

I'm like, "This is getting… What's she doing?"

[audience laughing]

[laughs] It's… She had… I'm not joking.

And she was like… I'm like, "Why is she… why is she leaving that as her picture?"

Her bio says, "I'm Louise. My friends call me 'Wheezy.'"

I'm like, "Yeah, I bet they do."

"Like, they're making fun of you. They call you 'Wheezy.'"

"From The Jeffersons."

I'm like, "It's not The Jeffersons. It's the tank."

"It's the tank. It's your prop. It's your prop."

I was mad at the friend that took the picture.

That's who I thought of. Who's this friend?

Who's this so-called friend

that says, "There it is."

"Hold the… No, just hold the tank."

No, that friend's a bad friend. That friend should say, "Listen, Wheezy."

[audience laughing]

[laughs]

"Why don't we take the tubes out? Hold your breath. Take a quick picture."

[audience laughing]

She said, "No." [gasps]

"No." [gasps]

"No." [gasps]

"No."

[gasps] "No."

[gasps] "This is who I am."

[gasps] "And this is…"

[audience laughing]

I hope she found love. I do.

Because hopefully, another guy… maybe there's another guy with emphysema going,

"Hey, who are all these other losers that have no oxygen tank?"

"There she is, Wheezy."

[laughs]

[inhales]

My parents were married over 50 years.

My… My mum passed away.

My dad's still alive.

Fifty years.

Till death do us part, and they did it.

They did it. Yeah.

It's unbelievable.

My dad was, uh…

I still see my dad. He's 92.

Ninety-two years old, and he was a police officer.

And that's not fun as a kid.

That is just, uh…

He just scares you.

I'm… I'm still paranoid about everything.

I'm hypochondriac because my dad thought, "I'm gonna just scare my kids."

All we learned about was serial killers.

That's all. I knew every serial killer on the planet.

I knew them all.

He would show me pictures, and I'd have to guess…

No, this was his way of teaching me never judge a book by its cover.

He goes, "I'll show you some people here." I thought it'd be a variety of people.

Okay, I'm like 10.

Shows me a picture of Ted Bundy. I'm like, "He looks nice."

"No, he's not nice."

"One of the worst killers in the history."

"Okay."

Then he shows me a clown. I'm like, "He's gotta be nice."

"No, that's John Wayne Gacy. He's a clown. He killed people."

"Okay, this is a bad game. I don't like this game."

[audience laughing]

That's how he taught us. He put fear in us.

He also did it with church.

We were raised very Catholic. My parents were Catholic.

We still are.

I don't… I don't know how well we're doing at it,

but it was just ingrained in my brother and sister and I.

You got to go to Mass.

You got to go to Mass every Sunday.

Or you go to hell. That was it.

"And you know who's in hell?"

"John Wayne Gacy."

[laughing] "Ted Bundy."

It always tied back to them. "You go to hell, you're with those guys."

"So I'm going to Mass then."

"Yes, you are."

In the Catholic beliefs that I was taught, if you don't go to Mass,

miss Mass, it's a mortal sin.

A mortal sin.

You go straight to hell if you don't ask for forgiveness.

This was what we were taught by my dad.

By my dad.

I don't know if he's right.

I don't know.

Didn't make a lot of sense.

I said, "So if I miss Mass, and I get hit by a car…"

And he'd finish the sentence, "You're going to hell."

"Unless you ask for forgiveness before you die."

"Well, I'm hit by a car."

"Well, then you're going to hell because you missed Mass."

I go, "What about if Ted Bundy asked for forgiveness?"

"He's good. He's okay."

I'm like, "That's not… That doesn't make sense."

He goes, "That's how it is. It's a mortal sin."

So we'd go to Mass.

A few months ago, he's still talking about it.

He goes, "Hey, you don't go to Mass, do you?"

I'm like, "I don't."

He goes, "Your brother doesn't go either. Your sister doesn't go."

"None of your kids go." I go, "I don't go."

He goes, "Well, I'm the only one that goes."

"So I'm going to heaven, and you're not."

He goes, "How am I gonna see you?" I said, "Stop going to Mass."

[audience laughing]

"Come see us in hell."

[audience applauding, cheering]

Simple.

I was good at Mass.

I was good at it.

I was like… I knew everything.

And I know there's a lot of different religious denominations,

and, you know, you have your services,

but in the Catholic Mass, like, there's a lot of stuff.

There's kneeling, standing, shaking hands.

You've got to know it all. I knew it all.

I don't know how I was so bad in school.

I don't know how I memorized every prayer, every saying.

I knew everything. I didn't know this one. This one was…

There's a part of the Mass where nobody knows,

and they just go, "I don't know. Just do this."

You can look. Go to a Catholic Mass, and just see people go,

"Okay, do-do-do-do-do."

It's a baseball sign.

[laughs] I didn't know what that one was. I just kept doing it forever.

I feel like I could say Mass, I was so good by 10.

I knew it so well. I knew it. I knew everything.

Then I went back once. It's all changed. You just screw up all the sayings, right?

Sometimes you have a friend sleep over that's not Catholic.

That was fun. You just play tricks on them at church.

Yeah, I did that all the time.

"Just yell 'hallelujah' here. Yell it loud."

Hallelujah!

"Okay, no, I was joking. We don't say that."

"We don't say hallelujah like that."

[audience laughing]

He still lives in the… in the condominium that, uh, we… we bought him.

It was mostly me, but…

[audience laughing]

[laughs]

…we bought it.

That's the we-us part.

[inhales]

I remember the day we showed my parents…

They were in their late seventies, and they'd never owned a property,

so when my wife and I had, uh, some success in stand-up…

[audience laughing]

…we, uh… we bought her parents and my parents

their first properties, right?

And, uh, they weren't fancy or anything, and they're in our name.

It's not like we just gave it, so it was an investment.

It wasn't a big deal.

Um, and I remember we found out where they wanted to live,

and we wanted to surprise them.

So we had the real estate agent there, and we walked into this condo.

We were gonna put an offer in,

and I said, "Dad, we're, uh… we're… mostly me,

but we're gonna buy this for you and Mum."

He went, "I can't live here."

I go, "What?" He goes, "I can't live here."

I said, "Why?" He goes, "It's too high. Seventh floor is too high."

I didn't know where he was going. I go, "What do you mean, it's too high?"

He goes, "If there's a fire, I can't jump."

[audience laughing]

I'm like, "Yeah, nobody can. It's the seventh floor."

"You're 78. You can't-- I know that."

He goes, "Well, I'm not living here, because if I'm stuck,

and the fire's outside in the hall, I have to jump, and I'll die."

"Okay."

"So we've got to live on the ground floor."

He says, "No, no. Fifth floor or lower."

"Fifth floor? That's-- Fifth floor?"

"Fifth floor?"

"Yeah."

"Fifth floor, I'll jump. I'll be okay." [laughs]

Fifth floor, he thought he could jump. I said, "What about Mum?"

He goes, "I have no idea. She'll have to figure it out."

"But I'm jumping at the fifth floor."

And that is what he thought.

He thought, "I have a chance if I live on the fifth floor or lower."

When we finally moved them in, I called him over to the balcony.

I was leaning on the balcony.

And it's still high.

[splutters] At the time, I'm probably like 40.

I'm like, "I'm not… I would never jump that."

I would just…

So I call him over.

I'm leaning on the balcony like this, and I said, "Come here, Dad."

He comes over, and I said,

"So if there's a fire, you would… you would jump from here?"

He goes, "Oh, that's nothing there."

"That's… There's grass everywhere. There's a tree I could grab."

I'm like, "He's 78."

He not a… He didn't do gymnastics his whole life.

I don't know what he's thinking.

Like, just stubborn.

I said, "What about this balcony here? What about this railing?"

He said, "I'd just hop over that."

Hop, like a bunny rabbit, like Bugs Bunny.

Just hop over it.

I said, "Dad, I'm just gonna remind you a couple weeks ago,

we had to put a… we had to put a door on your bathtub

because you can't do that."

[audience laughing]

That's true. I said, "You can't do this."

"So just when you're going over the balcony,

just remember you don't have that move anymore, okay?"

[audience laughing]

The toughest part… [clears throat]

…my dad doesn't, uh, text.

He doesn't, uh… He just calls.

That's… There's no texting.

And I'm sure if you have an older parent, you know that.

But he'll call till he gets you.

And it just… you know, he'll try it again.

He just… It's literally, sometimes you could be golfing,

you could be in a meeting, doesn't matter.

So you're like, "I gotta get this."

And it's just the stuff that… He says what he's thinking.

So, like, he'll call, and I'll finally, "Dad, what's up?"

"I'm in a meeting. What's up?"

"I don't want to be cremated."

"Okay, okay, good. I'll write that down, okay?"

"No, no, just make sure, I don't want to be cremated."

"I've just decided against it." "Okay, good, Dad."

His memory's gone, so he does it again the next day.

So it's just a whole week of being told, "I don't want to be cremated."

Whatever comes to mind.

Whatever comes to mind, that's how he conveys it to you.

And sometimes he doesn't answer his phone.

And now, if you have parents that are older,

you know how frustrating this is. Suddenly, they don't answer their phone.

So there's a little chat with my brother and sister and I.

I'm like, "Did you talk to Dad?" "No, I didn't yesterday."

"I tried him." "Me too."

"Oh my God." And then… He's 92.

You're like, "Oh no."

And this is my advice.

If you have an older parent, live the furthest from your siblings

because you've got to always…

[audience laughing]

You gotta check on them.

I thought my sister… I thought… I thought my sister said,

"Go do a dead check."

She said, "Go do a Dad check."

And I thought it was… I thought it was a dead check.

Now we call it a dead check. "I'm gonna do a dead check."

I've done like 30 dead checks.

And you know what I mean. You're like, "Hey, well, this could be it."

So you gotta stop what you're doing, go to his condo. You gotta break in.

He's just sleeping. If he's sleeping, I'm over by the bed.

I'll text my sister, "He's alive. He's fine."

He's still good. He's still there. I've done like 30 dead checks.

And he's still alive.

Not sure how much longer I can tell that story,

so this could be the last time I tell it, but right now, he's good.

He's good. He's at home right now.

If I called him, he'd go, "Hello? Don't cremate me."

"Remember that. Okay."

The dead check.

He put us to work when we were kids.

How many of you worked when you were, like, under the age of 13?

-[woman hoots] -Yeah, isn't it different now?

-[audience applauds] -We don't do that with our kids.

I had a paper route, 10 years old. Five in the morning.

That's what I did. In the pitch black.

I was this big as a kid. I was this big.

I said to my dad, "Hey, Dad." And he took the money.

He's like, "That's for… That goes to me."

"That goes to me because I do that."

Like nine bucks a week.

I don't know. How important was that nine bucks a week for my…

I said, "Dad, like, you sent me out at 10."

"I would never send my 10-year-old son out."

I'm terrified to let him walk home from school at four o'clock.

I go, "How did you let me do that?"

"Weren't you worried about, like, predators and pedophiles?"

He goes, "No, they weren't… they weren't a thing."

"You had big teeth." He goes, "I'm not gonna lie."

[audience laughing]

He goes, "You were like… You didn't… you didn't look good."

"It wasn't… They weren't gonna look at you and go… They were just gonna…"

That's what he thought. "Nah."

[audience laughing]

I was… I was small.

I was small. My son is small.

In grade ten, in the tenth grade… Wrap your head around this.

This is true.

I was five feet tall.

Now think if you have kids.

Do we have any kids here? Are there any kids here?

Oh, we do.

Okay, fake ID, how'd you… how'd you get in?

[audience laughing]

How old are you?

-[child 1] Eleven. -Eleven and…

-[child 2] Thirteen. -Thirteen.

Eleven, how tall are you, 11-year-old? 4'11".

So I was an inch taller than you in grade ten.

That's not…

[audience laughing]

It's not… Yeah, you're like, "Yeah, that's not good."

[audience laughing]

It's not cool. It wasn't fun.

I was 85 pounds.

And this isn't a joke.

I was 85 pounds in tenth grade.

Five feet tall.

Thank God.

If I was that size today, by law, I'd have to be in a car seat still.

[audience laughing]

Because 85 pounds is the cutoff.

Can you imagine you're going to grade ten,

and you're rear-facing going to school like this?

You're just seeing a bunch of trees.

You're like, "Are we close? Are we close, Dad?"

"I recognize those trees. I feel like we're close."

"Any more Goldfish?"

Any more Goldfish up there?

[audience laughing]

Going to your semiformal, your date's 112 pounds in the front with your dad.

"Hi, Julie. Hi, Julie. Can't wait to see you."

"Can't turn my neck. Five-point harness. Sorry."

[audience laughing]

[clears throat, inhales]

Not fun being that size.

It just was not fun.

My daughter's like, "You didn't have any girls?"

I'm like, "No, I didn't meet girls."

You didn't meet girls when you're that size.

Because girls don't want a five-foot-tall, 85-pound kid.

Right?

How old are you, 11?

Okay, so you learned a couple new terms.

"Monogamy."

[audience laughing]

[laughs] "Celibacy."

Both mean "not fun."

[audience laughing]

Do you know… Did you know "monogamy"?

No, you don't know.

Your sister know? 13-year-old, do you know what monogamy means?

No.

See, I was a teacher, so sometimes I like to still teach, right?

Yeah.

Monog… mono, mono.

One, one.

I think it's Latin for one, mono.

Gamos, no fun.

[audience laughing]

That's what gamos means in Greek.

No fun.

Polyamorous, many fun.

[audience laughing]

Just a couple new words.

You can go tell your teachers when school starts.

Ask them, "Do you know what monogamous means, miss?"

"Are you monogamous?"

Ask her.

That'll go over well.

[laughs]

Don't ask them.

[audience laughing]

Do you play sports? Do both of you play sports? What do you play?

Volleyball and skiing. Good for you. And your sister? Is that your sister?

No? Just a kid you brought?

[audience laughing]

How are you connected?

You're friends?

Is this Mum and Dad?

Is this Mum?

Okay, I was getting a little worried there. This is…

See, this is… this is not monogamy, what they're doing right there.

[audience laughing]

[laughs]

Sorry, so you, sir, are her dad, and you, ma'am, are her mom.

-So you two are together? -[woman] We're monogamous.

Are you… are you married?

-[woman] Yes. -The other girl is a friend.

And her parents got, "Go to the back. We don't… Get out of here."

There they are.

And what do you play? What's your name, the 13-year-old?

-[child 1] Vivian. -Vivian, what sports do you play?

Skiing and basketball.

I like that. Good for you, girls.

And you like school?

No.

You don't need it, trust me.

Just do this.

Do this.

This is what my wife and I do for a living. Do this.

[clears throat]

Let me tell you, um, I got introduced once as a Canadian celebrity, and it hit me.

I'm like, "Yeah, that's about it."

Just, uh, not a celebrity. Just a Canadian celebrity.

And I'll tell you, there's a lot of differences

between a Canadian celebrity and a celebrity.

First of all, it should just be celebrity.

There shouldn't be like, "Let's put his country in front, because he's not…"

And you… you know the thing is, like, you wish you were a celebrity.

You wish everyone knew you, right?

Like, I walked here. It was a 40-minute walk.

They're like, "Do you wanna drive?" I'm like, "I'll walk. I wanna…"

You know, I'm hoping someone…

[audience laughing]

I'm not joking.

I'm staring at people.

"Hello."

Nobody. One guy… and I'm not making this up,

one guy, a homeless person, goes, "Hey, TV guy."

That was as close as I got.

I don't know how he knew. I don't know how he knew.

He went, "TV guy." I'm like, "Thank you."

[audience laughing]

There's so many differences

that I've learned in my… in my tenure as this Canadian celebrity,

which I'm flattered by,

but at the end of the day, I realize the difference.

For one, I answer my own emails. That's not a celebrity. That's not…

You don't feel big when you're sitting in your kitchen on your laminate island

and someone emails you.

First of all, I'm… I'm amazed people know how to reach me.

That's Canada.

I think you just look up my email, and it's like, "There he is."

"Oh, I'll just email him. Maybe I'll go visit his house."

It's not the same with real celebrities. You can't just email them.

And secondly, they're not reading it. That's the difference.

People are so funny because sometimes they act like I'm a bigger celebrity.

Like, "Hi, I don't know if Gerry will get this…"

But I'm reading it. That's me.

[audience laughing]

[laughs] One time… Sometimes I would reply with, like, another name

like it was, like, uh, I had another person.

I don't. It's just me.

I'm here by myself.

I will leave by myself. I will walk out the same door as you do.

And I will walk home, and nothing will happen.

It's the difference.

But one time I signed it off, and by habit, I signed "Gerry."

So I'm like, "Yeah, okay,

I'll let Gerry know you are looking for him,

uh, and I'll tell him. Thank you, Gerry." Send.

And then I went, "Oh, jeez."

[laughs] Because I'm so used to regular emails signing "Gerry."

So then I wrote back, "Just so you know, we also have a Gerry in marketing."

[audience laughing]

Like… like it's a big company I work for.

"Yeah, we'll try to reach Gerry, the real Gerry. He's very busy."

"He walks a lot of places."

I'll tell you the three worst things that made me feel like I'm not a celebrity,

and it's proof.

One is a guy wrote me, and I read it, because I just… I read them.

You can email me tonight.

I guarantee you, you will, and I'll be the guy answering it

after I get home.

I will.

Now, sometimes I won't, but don't…

Anyway, it happens. It happens all the time.

So this guy writes me, "Hey, Gerry."

Now it bothers me that he knows I'm just reading it.

He's like, "Yeah, he's…"

[audience laughing]

He didn't give the whole, "I'm not sure if Gerry will get…"

He's just like, "Hey, Gerry, um, can't make your show Friday."

"Uh, can't make it. Uh, wonder if I can get a refund."

This is who he sends it to. This is the guy he thinks…

He's at home with his wife.

He's at home with his wife, and he's like, "We can't go to that show?"

"Okay, I'll email Gerry. Yeah, I'll get a refund."

"No, he'll give me a refund. He probably…"

This guy thought I had all the Visa slips right on my bed,

and I just said, "Okay, Dave, you want a refund?"

"Let me just pull up your Visa slip here."

"I'm just going to reverse the charges here."

That's not how it works.

You don't… you don't go to Coldplay, and you can't go and go,

"I'll email Chris Martin."

"Yeah, he's the lead singer."

No, this guy did. He's like… And the thing is, he's right.

That's what bothered me. He was right.

I was the guy to get to.

So I wrote him back.

I go, "Listen, I'm sorry… I'm sorry you can't make the show,

but unfortunately, that's not how it works. You don't just…"

You know, I gave him the old, like, "What if everybody wanted that?"

He writes back, "Well, it's not everybody. It's just me."

Okay, now… now we're just in a chat. We're not even emailing.

[audience laughing]

I said, "Why don't you give them away?"

"Or I'll give you tickets."

"I'll take your name. I'll give you tickets."

"I'll give it to my marketing manager, and I'll take your name,

and I'll give you tickets to any other show, any city."

He goes, "No."

[audience laughing]

He couldn't understand this process. He goes, "Why can't you…"

This is what he writes me.

"Why can't you just sell them on Kijiji for me?"

"For me."

[audience laughing]

"For me. Sell them for me on Kijiji."

And I thought about it.

I'm like, "I have an account. I have an account."

Just sell them.

"Hey, everybody, Gerry Dee here selling tickets to my show."

"Come pick 'em up at my house."

[audience laughing]

I was like, "I'm not a celebrity."

What other jobs have I had?

Waiter.

That was one of the toughest jobs.

I was awful. Awful.

Two groups of people I didn't like.

One, tea drinkers.

[audience laughing]

Yeah, they're…

They ruin your night because they take a lot of things to make a tea.

When you get someone that wants tea, there's seven items you gotta find.

And if you're a waiter, you know.

And they're not-- There's no big tip coming from tea.

Seventeen cents.

And as soon as you've got to run around as a waiter and throw your system out,

your whole night's ruined.

All your tables are out of whack because of this one person with a tea.

"Could I get a tea, please?"

You gotta get a spoon, a saucer, a cup, hot water, the little silver cups,

the milk, the sugar.

It's too many things. So I just say, "We're out of tea. COVID."

[audience laughing]

[laughs] It was 1996.

"We're out of tea. COVID."

I just say we're out of tea.

And if a guy walked by with tea, I'm like, "See? That is the last tea."

I did that for eight years of my ten years.

Eight years, if you sat in my section, you'll be like, "He never had tea."

"That was the one thing."

"Never had tea."

"We always came at the wrong time."

The other people I always tricked or lied to or didn't like

were decaf drinkers because I'll tell you why.

I'll tell you why, decaf drinkers.

The best part of coffee is the caffeine, for sure.

Here's why, decaf drinkers, okay?

I've got to find the special pot for the decaffeinated coffee.

It's an orange pot. It has an orange rim.

Anyone in the industry knows.

And it's never made, and you've got to look for it.

And again, it's all about your system.

Now I'm out of whack. I can't find the pot.

So the good thing about coffee is you can't tell if there's…

You can't tell.

You don't know.

It's like carbon monoxide. You can't tell.

[audience laughing]

You don't know. You can't see it. You can't smell it.

So whether they got coffee with caffeine or not, they'd never know.

I'm like, "They're gonna be long gone when they figure this out."

And that's what I would do.

There'd be four people at a table. "Could I get a coffee? Regular, regular."

"Could I get a decaf? Because I have a meeting in the morning, so I want to…"

"Okay, good."

"Are you allergic to caffeine?" I would always ask, "Are you allergic?"

"I don't know." "Well, we're gonna find out."

[audience laughing]

"We're gonna find out."

That's what I would do.

No chance. I would bring four regular coffees.

I'd put a little straw, a little straw in hers.

And she thought, "That's the special signifier."

[audience laughing]

She's like, "What's the straw for?"

"That's to remind me because I poured yours special,

so I had to make a little note."

"Oh, good, because I have a big meeting."

I'm like, "Yeah, so good."

"Enjoy painting your house at two in the morning

because your first time with caffeine is gonna hit you."

[audience laughing]

I was a teacher.

I was a teacher.

Teacher. I felt more like a celebrity as a teacher running into my grade fours

at the mall on a Saturday.

"Oh my…" [gasps]

[audience laughing]

[inhales]

You know who I… I don't miss the most?

And you would never think this, uh, smart kids.

[audience laughing]

They ruin… [laughs]

They ruin your day.

You don't… [laughs]

You go your whole life as parents trying to make your kids smart.

And for me, I'm like, I don't like those kids.

They are the worst kids. They are the worst kids.

They could be great presidents of companies

or doctors or teachers or lawyers or whatever.

But in the class, they're a pain, right?

I had this girl, Sheila.

I had her grade 11 and grade 12.

Now, I took phys ed, and I'm teaching history and geography.

I don't know it that well.

I'm not gonna lie. I don't know it.

I do the best I can.

She sits right there because this is her life, right?

She thinks I'm a history, geography teacher,

and that's how you play it as a teacher.

You don't come in and go, "Look, kids, I took phys ed."

"This isn't my sub…" You just pretend, just go with it.

"Okay, I have history. I love it. Let's start."

But here's the thing.

With this kid, it's like a little micromanager, right?

Like, other kids are like me, the average kid.

I was the average student in school.

They were like me.

They didn't want to start the lesson right away, like your job.

You go to your job.

You can walk in and,

"How was your weekend, Bill? Oh, good, what'd you do?"

You don't have to jump right to your desk, right?

You can just talk a little.

Not with Sheila.

The second at 9:01, Sheila's in the front row.

She's got something going on.

She's like this. Grade 12, grade 12.

Who does… Who raises their hand like this in grade 12?

This is what kindergarten kids do. Kindergarten kids go, "Pick me."

She's like this, right there.

And I don't even look at her.

I mastered…

[audience laughing]

And I could just see her like, "Why is he…?"

"I'm like… And my hand's up for three…"

"Sir?"

And I'm just like, "Yeah, anyone else? What else would you guys do? Oh, really?"

I'm looking right behind her. She's like, "Oh my God."

She's just waving. She's trying to follow me.

I know she's got some "correction" to give me,

or I've said something wrong.

I don't care. I don't want to talk to her.

I also know that she can't keep her hand up for more than three minutes

because she doesn't play sports, and the lactic acid's gonna build up.

That's the truth. She didn't play sports, so eventually, she'd be like, "Oh my God."

"Ah, that is so hard to do."

"Oh, wow. I guess I'll ask my question tomorrow."

That's it. She'd go away.

[audience laughing]

[laughs]

They love their marks.

That's the most important thing to kids when they're smart.

I'd give her 100 every test. I learned that…

Just give her 100. I don't care.

What, 90? What, I don't. Take your 100.

That's the only way she was happy because if she got 98, she'd go home,

the whole family would have a meeting with me.

[audience laughing]

Just 100, every time.

Use her test for my answer key.

[audience laughing]

The funniest thing I ever saw teaching was this.

[clears throat]

I'm teaching grade 12.

I got a kid in my class. Nice kid, liked him a lot.

Twelve average. Didn't try. Didn't…

But not a bad kid.

I don't know.

He just didn't come to class.

He didn't try, so, you know, his mark was 12.

Now, you just pass them because we can't hurt feelings as kids,

so we just suddenly pass him.

I'm like, "How did he pass?" "I don't know. He got to grade 12."

So all the kids in their final month would come to you

before exams go to colleges.

Before their marks go to college, they would always find you in a panic.

They'd come to your office, "Sir."

I was teaching grade 12 history.

"What do I have going into the final?"

And you pull up your fake mark sheet.

-You're like… -[audience laughing]

"You have 97, 84, 75."

They'd all just find you.

He shows up one day.

This kid had never been to my office, and he goes, "Hey, sir."

He must have saw kids do it.

And he goes, "Uh, what do I have going into the final?"

I said, "What? Why?"

He goes, "Because I want to know what I need to get."

I go, "You don't… you don't have to write it."

"You can't… you can't… you can't pass it. Like, it's not possible."

He didn't understand this.

He said, "Why? What do I have?" I go, "Twelve. You have twelve."

[audience laughing]

He said, "Twelve what?"

I said, "12%."

He said, "What's it out of?" I go, "It's… What?"

[laughs] "It's out of 100."

[audience laughing]

He said, "So I can't pass the course?"

And I saw the… I said, "Look, here's what I'll do for you."

"I'm not doing this for anyone else."

My final exam was five essay questions, 30 marks each.

I said, "I'm gonna… I'm gonna pass you if you pass the exam."

He goes, "Done."

Like, it was like, "I do this all the time. Done."

[audience laughing]

I go, "Study."

I even did this. I said, "I'm gonna give you ten questions to learn

for the next two weeks."

I didn't do this for anyone else. I let this kid go home with ten questions,

and five of those were gonna be chosen.

I couldn't make it any easier for him.

But he goes home and goes, "I'm gonna pick five."

[audience laughing]

So right away, he's already off to a bad start.

But what he did was the funniest, most creative thing I ever saw.

I get his exam.

And when… when you have essay questions in exams,

there's usually the question and then foolscap, right?

This paper, and there's this much space.

And I don't know why girls would see this and fill it.

Girls filled it.

They're like…

If I left, like, this much,

they'd go, "Okay, I'm gonna fill that with words."

They think that means I'm gonna give them--

You know, they just filled it.

And if they add… if needed to add stuff, there was directions on where to find it.

It was like, "Oh, sir, there's more on the back."

"Asterisk, go around."

"Page four, question seven is at the bottom half of that. Please, sir."

Then there's notes from the ones,

"Sir, please, I tried so hard studying for this."

You'd get notes. Girls-- Guys didn't do that.

Girl, "Please, sir, please, please, please."

"When you mark this, please just give me some break."

"I just was…"

Guys just wrote what they knew. Boom.

If it didn't fill it, they're like, "That's all I know."

[audience laughing]

But Jordan, I get Jordan's answer.

Jordan never filled an essay question in two years I had him. Ever.

It's full.

[inhales] I don't know what's going on.

First question on my exam was everything about the American Revolution.

People, dates, events, everything.

Discussion, everything. Thirty mark, boom.

I get his question, and it starts like this,

"Hey, sir."

I'm like, "There's something… something's coming here,

'cause that's not… that's not an answer."

-"Hey, sir." -[audience laughing]

He literally writes, "Hey, sir, this is a great question."

[audience laughing]

And I'm like, "Yeah, I gave it to you. Like, of course."

[laughs] But what he did next, he says,

"But I'd rather tell you about the French Revolution."

[audience laughing, applauding]

[laughs] He had everything. Filled it.

That's a smart kid, right?

That's a smart kid.

He thought outside the box.

[audience laughing]

My kids are okay in school.

My kids sleep a lot.

They do. They sleep way too much.

They never did as kids. That's when you want 'em to sleep.

Remember those days? Remember your first kid if you have kids.

Your first kid just didn't sleep.

Three in the morning, "Oh God, I'll go get her." [sighs]

Then one night they sleep.

And you wake up, you're like, "What?" You think they died, right?

You… No, you've been through this.

You're like, "What? Oh no!"

You hear about crib deaths and too many blankets.

My wife's like, "Oh my God, it's seven. What happened?"

"Something's happened."

But you're so tired, you're like, "Well, there's nothing we can do now."

[audience laughing]

That was the best sleep ever.

She would want it that way.

[audience laughing]

Now they sleep.

They just… I don't even see them.

I don't.

They play sports. That's my favorite part of it.

Their life is sports. I love sports.

My wife was supportive of that too.

And I thought, what sports?

And here's the things I thought of.

I'm gonna put them in sports for three reasons.

One, maybe it's a sport they can make money

or get a scholarship

or get some of the money back we put into it, right?

So I pick a sport like that.

Okay, or maybe it's a sport they can play when they're older

with their friends, right?

Keep it going.

A lot of sports you can play well into your seventies and eighties.

Right? And it's a sport I got to like watching.

Because I got to go. So that was it.

That was the three things.

My friends have kids in sports. I'm like, "No chance."

"No chance."

Synchronized swimming. [spluttering] Why? What?

How did that come up in the conversation?

How did no one shoot that down in the family when the daughter or son…

I don't even know if boys do it.

When the daughter said, "I want to do synchro at 5 a.m."?

Why didn't someone go, "Next question"?

No. That would be me.

"No chance. No chance."

What are you gonna do? You're not-- What, the Olympics? Maybe there's…

Then you make no money.

You can't do it when you're older. You never do that.

You never go, "You guys want to come over, do some synchro,

then go for beer and wings?"

"We'll go for beer and wings after. We'll do synchro in my pool."

No.

Another friend does equestrian. Like, you're not even the athlete.

You… you don't even… You're not even the athlete.

You just sit there.

[audience laughing]

No.

Volleyball is interesting

because sometimes people recognize me at volleyball, and they're like,

"Hey, is your daughter playing?" When they were like 11, I'm like, "Yeah."

Like, in my mind, I'm like, "Duh." Like, "What are you…?"

Then eventually I would just go, "No, no, I just love… I love this group of girls."

"I just follow them."

[audience laughing]

"That's my favorite, number five."

"Hello."

[audience laughing]

Hockey, I… I coached my son's team.

It's house league, and I think you got to get rid of house league.

It just makes no sense.

It's about three kids.

It is.

My son was the second-worst player. He was not very good.

Thank God for the worst player. That's all… that's all I can tell you.

And I was the coach, and I would just…

There's this kid, Marcus, he'd get four, five, six goals a game,

and my son was just not even touching the puck, and it was so hard.

People are like, "Is that your son?" I'm like, "Nah, that's my nephew."

"He's not. That's my nephew."

"Marcus. Marcus, the Black kid, that's my son."

"Yeah. Yeah."

"Go get him, Marcus."

Trying to adopt him, but his parents are like, "No, you can't…"

There's something about the best kid, you wish it was your kid, right?

Something about when your kid's not good, you don't want to go.

I'm like, "Do you want to go? It's so far tonight?"

"Oh, you don't even touch the puck."

"But I love it."

"Love what? You don't…"

There was one kid on his team, Angus.

Right away, you're not making the NHL. Your name's Angus.

There's no Angus. There's no Angus in the NHL.

There never will be. It's just not a name.

Your name tells you, okay?

Your dad should go, "No, no Anguses."

"We'll open a steakhouse. Why don't we open a steakhouse?"

[audience laughing]

This kid… This is how stupid house league is.

This kid shows up the first day. He's never been on the ice.

He's never skated. Skating's not easy. He's never done it.

Okay, he's 7 years old. He's like, "I wanna do that."

You just sign up, and I get him on my team.

No draft.

No picking teams.

Just, I get Angus.

Shows up. His equipment's in the boxes still.

We're unpacking it.

I'm like, "What? We're not winning. We're not winning with this kid."

And I have to play him. That's the rule.

He took number 36.

If you know hockey, that's a goalie number.

I'm like, "Oh my God, 36? Seriously?"

All he could do, I would make him leave the boards,

'cause he would just try to lean on the boards.

Now it's basically a five on four.

I'm like… I'd push him out.

I'd get out, and he'd go, "Ah."

Sometimes I'd wish he'd leave his skate guards on

'cause I know he'd pull a groin, and he'd be out.

[audience laughing]

No, he always remembered that part.

So this is all this kid could do. He loved it. He could just…

All the good players, he could just follow it.

He just did this little…

This is his… And he'd wave to his parents.

In the NHL, they don't wave.

[audience laughing]

I'm like, "What are you waving at? You're doing nothing, just in a circle."

Then the play would go this way.

And this kid, three minutes, this is how long the shift is.

This is all he could do, number 36.

[audience laughing]

The last game, I taped a zero after the six

'cause I thought it was funny.

[audience laughing]

No one knew, just me.

[laughs] Just my own little joke.

"Three-sixty, get out there. Let's go. You're up."

[audience laughing]

My oldest daughter stopped believing in Santa.

Do you believe in Santa, girls?

Just forgot.

Yeah?

You… you do?

The 11-year-old?

Okay.

[audience laughing]

Yeah, me too, me too.

[inhales] Yeah.

Didn't really prepare for this part of the show.

[audience laughing]

[woman cheers]

[audience cheering, applauding]

[Dee laughs]

So he's, um, he's a good guy.

Santa's… Santa's a good guy.

He does the whole world in one night. Isn't that crazy?

[laughs]

What do I do here, Mum and Dad? Just…?

Keep going? Okay.

[audience laughing]

Well, you got a good story.

You got a good story.

What did Santa get you for Christmas last year?

What did he get you?

You don't remember? Did you see him at all?

No.

Nobody… nobody ever sees him.

[audience laughing]

I see him right now.

[audience laughing]

That's what you get for bringing an 11-year-old. That's…

[audience laughing]

[laughs]

Well, I'm just gonna tell it, the story, so…

[audience laughing, cheering]

No, my niece… my niece, uh…

[audience laughing]

[laughs] My niece was, uh… my niece was 12

when she believed in Santa.

She was 12.

[laughs]

Because I said…

My… my daughter was 10.

I thought that was old because it's… it's true.

[audience laughing]

[laughs] No, my daughter was… my daughter was…

You starting to figure this out a little bit?

[audience laughing]

The whole world. The whole world.

[audience laughing]

Down every chimney, back up, next.

Think of how many people are on your street.

The whole… Then the whole world. He does it.

You're like, "Yes, he does. I saw him on the thing."

I said to my… I said my daughter was 10.

I thought that was getting old.

So I said to my niece who was 12… So don't feel bad. She was 12.

I said, "Hey, when did you stop believing in Santa?"

She went, "What?"

[audience laughing]

I… I got in trouble.

Um, I got in trouble from my sister-in-law.

"We were gonna tell her." I'm like, "She looks 16. You can't…"

She looks 16.

She's fully gone through puberty,

and she's sitting there crying because she found out there's no Santa.

I'm sorry to do this.

-[audience laughing] -I'm so sorry.

I don't know how else to finish this.

I don't know what to do. Your parents should've figured this out.

They're… I'm just kidding. It's a joke.

It's a joke. [laughs]

[audience laughing]

She's sitting there crying. She's 12. She looks 16. She looks 16.

And I'm getting yelled at. "How could you do this?"

I'm like, "She looks 16. She could have kids."

-She's… -[audience laughing]

No, but it's true.

She could… Physically, she could have kids.

And she's crying, and I'm getting yelled at.

What if she had a kid?

What if she had a kid right now and believes in Santa?

What's that Christmas morning like? The two of them walking down to nothing.

[audience laughing]

"Where is everything, Mommy?" "I don't know. I don't know."

"I wrote two letters. This is ridiculous."

"I'm going for a smoke. I'm going for a smoke."

"Okay?"

[clears throat]

You got a great story when you're older.

[audience laughing]

"How'd you find out?"

No, I'm just kidding. He's a great guy.

[audience laughing]

My wife does everything for my son.

And I learned this the hard way. It's not good.

Um, he just doesn't do anything for himself.

When he was 10, I finally went on an overnight trip with him,

and we're in the hotel in the lobby. We're getting breakfast.

He goes, "Dad, can you butter my toast?" I'm like, "What?"

He goes, "I don't know how to butter toast."

I'm like, "Are you joking?"

He goes, "No." People are looking. I'm like, "We're gonna learn."

We're gonna learn now how to butter toast.

You got three items. Let's figure this out.

He's like, "Can you do it?" "No, I'm not doing it."

"That's what your mother does. I'm not doing it."

"What are you gonna do?"

So he picks up the knife, and he picks up the butter.

And he goes, "I don't know." I'm like, "Oh my God."

I started getting angry. I got so mad.

I got so mad.

People are looking at me.

I'm like, "How do you not know how to butter toast?"

And I told him, "I had a paper route. I had a paper route at 10."

I had a paper route at five in the morning dodging pedophiles for my life.

That's what I did.

[audience laughing, applauding]

Uh, thank you so much for coming tonight.

You guys were awesome.

[audience applauding, cheering]

Enjoy your time with your kids and your family.

It does go by fast.

And I appreciate everybody.

Thank you. Good night.

[upbeat music playing]

[music ends]