Original subtitles

- Please welcome, Mr. Gerry Dee!

- Thank you.

Thank you.

Wow!

I never...

I never thought that, uh, my DVD taping

would be, uh, next to a mental hospital.

That was my biggest fear when we came down to...

Producers said, "This is where we wanna shoot it."

Did you know there's a mental hospital? Like...

We're not even next to it. We're actually in it.

Like, we're in there.

We're in the hospital.

I took kinesiology in university. Thank you.

Yeah, a big word for gym.

It just sounds better the way I say it.

My first job, uh, I was a teacher, that's what I did.

And, uh, first job, I lied to get a job

because there were no Phys Ed jobs,

and that completely backfired.

They made me teach Grade 12 history.

I know. I didn't even take Grade 12 history

when I was in high school.

So I'm teaching it,

and I'm like, the 10th smartest person in the class.

That's not good.

Awful. No idea what I was doing.

I'd never taken history in my life.

I had to go home every night,

read the chapters myself first, to learn everything,

then I'd come in and teach it.

That's how the whole year was.

I'd even assign the homework like this every night.

"All right, tonight for homework,

I'd like you to read Chapters one to three, okay?"

"And then stop reading, all right?"

"Don't go reading ahead,

"Coming in asking questions tomorrow

"on stuff I haven't learned yet. That's a no-no.

We don't do that."

'Cause that's what the smart kids would do.

Every day, I had this kid, Duncan.

Every day, he had a new question.

"Sir,

what happened to the Mayan civilization?"

"What chapter is that, Duncan?"

"15".

"What are you, a loser? You read the whole book already?"

I couldn't call him a loser.

I could think it.

But that's the thing, right?

Teachers don't know the answer, we don't admit it.

I never said, "I don't know". I'd lie.

Throw it back on the kids, that was my trick.

"Oh, is that right, Duncan? Ha!"

"So you think I'm just gonna spoon-feed you

"the answers all year, do you?

"No, that's not how I teach, kids.

"So thanks to Duncan,

"I would like the rest of you to go home tonight

"and look up what happened

to whatever he's mumbling about at the back."

That was my...

That was my whole year. It was horrible.

I'd have Duncan come up and write the question

on the board in big letters.

'Cause I needed to see how he spelled Mayan

so I could Google it later myself.

Thank God for Google.

When you can't spell something, at the top, it says,

"Did you mean this word, idiot?"

Thank you, Google master.

It was horrible.

Then you had to come in the next day.

Take up the homework.

Ugh.

I still don't know what happened to the Mayan civilization.

Kids have their... kids have their hand up.

I'm like, "Put your hand down, Dave, you got a 30 average."

"I'm not gambling on your answer."

Can't ask a kid with a 30 average.

I don't know if he's right or wrong.

He's gonna give an answer, I'm just gonna be like this.

"That's, uh, good, good, good.

Let's see what someone smarter than you thinks."

That's how I had to... "Lorraine!"

"Can you tell us what happened to the

Ma-yan civilization?"

And then whatever she would say, I would vote.

"How many people agree with that answer?"

"There you go, Duncan."

That's exactly what happened, right there."

It was a whole year of that.

One kid smoked pot every day.

Unbelievable.

Pot.

This kid would smoke it every morning.

Nine o'clock, first period, walk in stoned every day

like I'm stupid.

I can't tell you're stoned? It's 12th grade.

You stick out like a sore thumb.

Teachers aren't idiots.

Then I thought about it.

I think the only grade

that kids could have smoked up before class

and walked in without getting caught, was kindergarten.

That's the only grade. Think about it.

You could have smoked up all you want before kindergarten.

Stormed into class.

No one would know. It took everybody an hour and a half

to get their coat and boots off.

Smoke up all you want.

You'll be taking forever to get your boots off.

So would everybody else.

You'd be like, "God, everybody's smoked up today."

"Look at this."

"Who's the dealer?"

Imagine being stoned at the age of four.

That would be hilarious.

Trying to get that piece of crap, $8 snowsuit off.

Remember this thing, from Kmart?

It had one zipper.

It started at your forehead.

Couldn't breathe for the first three minutes of the day.

It got stuck 15 times.

You're stoned outta your mind, walking around

going, "God, it's hot. It's hot."

"It's June. Why am I wearing a snowsuit?

"This pot is screwing up my ability

to recognize the seasons."

What kinda crap zipper was that?

One zipper, when only the left leg came out, remember?

It started up here, wrapped around a couple times,

in case it wasn't on tight enough.

We were "Wrap it up!"

And then only the left leg, that's how it was made.

People making it were like,

"Let the little potheads figure it out. This is...

We don't need two zippers."

So you're stoned outta your mind, and you can't get it off.

You're like, "I can't get the right leg out."

And you're dragging around your snowsuit.

You think it's a dead body 'cause of the pot.

You're like, "Wow, there's a dead body."

And you're getting tired.

That's a great grade to be stoned.

"Miss, I'm tired. When's our nap? Ugh."

"Did I miss snack time? I'm starving.

I'm so hungry."

I was a racist in grade one.

Yeah. I didn't mean to be racist.

I don't know why I did this.

My best friend was a kid named Rami Jahari.

That's how he said his name.

I don't know why I did this. I wasn't trying to be funny.

I wasn't trying to be mean. I was just a six year old kid.

He was one of my best friends, but I'd call him over,

every recess, "Rami!"

"Okay, let's try this."

[Incoherent babble]

"Did I say anything?

"Nothing? Okay, I got some other ideas tomorrow,

I'll see you at recess".

I'd do that every day.

Then I'd go to his house for lunch.

You ever go to an Arabic person's house for lunch

when you're six? It's terrifying.

Everything they say, they sound angry.

His father would come in the room.

"Rami!!!"

[Speaking in Arabic]

"Okay, okay.

"My dad would like to know if you'd like

a peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch."

I had a buddy who skipped grade one. Wow!

How the hell do you skip grade one?

What are you? A big finger painting champion?

Duck-duck-goose winner every day?

Wow, look at that kid run.

Skip him.

How stupid do you feel, though, walking into grade two?

You just skipped grade one, everyone's looking at you,

mocking ya, "Look, that's the kid right there.

"Skipped grade one.

"No, no, shut up.

Heard he's really good at cooperating with others."

I remember I had to do the food groups project.

Remember this waste of time?

Did it every year.

It's like every teacher assigned it.

It's those teachers that had nothing to do. That was me.

No lesson plans.

I'd show movies, when I taught.

This is how selfish I was as a teacher.

One year, I was teaching geography,

and I was showing, uh, "Rudy",

'cause I like that movie.

It had nothing to do with the class.

I'm like, this has nothing to do with geography.

Ah, happened in Indiana, okay?

But what I would do is, I had geography period one

and geography period two, the same grade.

I would show period one the first half.

And then I'd just keep it going the second half.

They're like "What?"

Period two is like, why are we watching this in the middle?

"Well, I just saw the first half.

I don't wanna see it again."

I remember doing the food groups, though, every year.

So then I assigned it every year. That's how it works.

I would do what all my teachers did.

But I remember being in grade one

and we had to do this project.

Six years old. If you're gonna do a project

and they assign someone with you,

you gotta be supervised.

You can't leave two six year old boys

up in a room doing a project,

'cause ... I don't know how we got to this,

but we did our project, "Nutition".

We couldn't spell. "Nutition", and you underline it.

Double underline, double.

Put a little "R" with... remember?

It was spelled wrong. Put "R", drop it in.

"Diary products". We couldn't spell.

And then they... "Nutition",

underline, and then "Diary product".

And then, they post them in the halls for everyone to see.

So your parents can come,

beat you up at parent-teacher night

'cause they see you can't spell

and you embarrass the family name.

'Cause your name's this big on those posters.

We go upstairs. This is a true story.

I don't know what it means,

I don't know how we came to this.

We finished taping everything.

His mom's picking him up in two hours. It takes 15 minutes.

We're up in my room, six years old.

I suggest we tape our penises together.

And the thing that blows my mind,

when I look back on that day,

I can't help but think,

what are the odds

of finding a kid

in the whole world

to agree to this?

I got... I got the one kid in my room.

And he wasn't like, he didn't question it.

He was like, "Yeah!" Like it was like,

it's like, he was thinking it too.

And that's the weird stuff you do.

Joey, I'll never forget it. Joey and I are up there,

"Oh this is gonna be fun," we stripped down.

And we just did that, we just taped our...

we taped our penises together

and we just stared at each other.

We didn't know what to do.

Completely naked, just standing there

thinking maybe this wasn't such a good idea.

And then he says - this, this is...

I lost it when he said this,

I ended up peeing all over him.

'Cause we... and he wasn't trying to be funny,

but we were six years old, we had just learned the alphabet

and he's staring, and he says, he's all excited too.

"We made the letter H."

That was it, that was our project.

I wasn't even a good student.

I remember being in grade six. That was my worst year.

Couldn't read very well.

And they made you read out loud. Remember that crap?

Get rid of this reading out loud in schools.

Nobody is listening to the kid that's reading.

We're not following. We're doing the same thing.

We all sat at our desks, terrified,

counting people to see which paragraph we had.

That's all you wanna know. Which one do I gotta read?

Is it big? Is it a big one? And you line it up.

The kid before you goes to the bathroom, you're like,

"Oh, you're screwing up the order.

I don't have the same paragraph now."

And you always had that one kid, too.

Every school had that one kid in grade six,

that was seven reading years behind everybody.

Remember this kid? Bruno.

Couldn't go to recess till Bruno finished reading.

I was like, what?

My life was recess in grade six.

I was the first kid lined up.

This is how I stood at the door.

Two minutes before the bell, just like this.

Come on, let us go. Let us go. This is..

My buddies are behind me going,

"Go get the field, Gerry, go get the field."

Yeah, no kidding idiot.

Why do you think I'm in my fast position?

This is, this is...

You think I stand like this all day?

No, I don't stand like this all day.

See the other kids getting out early, you're losing it.

"Miss, how come their class... ugh".

Because we had to get the field, that's how guys lived.

You had to get the field or the court.

One kid was sent out to touch a pole.

Sometimes I'd be on the wrong field, just holding the pole.

No one's showing up. That was my whole recess.

Come on. Where are these guys, man?

I got the whole field to myself.

You had to get the field or the court.

Girls didn't care as much in grade six.

You could have fun with nothing.

You could take a little corner of the field and find a rock

and you were, "Ah, girls, a rock.

"Come on in, I'm... I'm gonna create a game.

"Everyone's welcome, there's no discriminating.

"No. No teams, since someone's left alone.

"I'm gonna draw a box and we're gonna stand in and out,

"and we'll... we'll dance in and out.

"It's called in and out, I just made it up

"and this is our game.

"We're gonna be friends forever.

I love it. What a great game."

Not us. We had to fight.

We couldn't go one day to recess,

'cause Bruno couldn't read,

"and then the bear licked the honey."

I was like, are you kidding me?

Why did this kid always yell?

He took forever.

"And then

the bee-are... that doesn't sound right."

Then he'd say the wrong word over and over again,

the exact same way.

It's like he wasn't even trying anymore.

"Like-ida,

"the bee-are like-ida.. can't get this.

Like-ida, come on."

Shut his eyes sometimes, like he was thinking harder.

"Like-ida!" No.

No, you might wanna look at the word.

To make matters worse,

he was the only kid in the class

that wouldn't follow the paragraph with his finger.

So he'd finally finish reading that sentence

and then he'd read it again. You're like, what the hell?

I just heard this half an hour ago.

But he'd read it like two different things happened.

I didn't know what was going on.

"And then the bee-are like-ida the hony." What?

"And THEN the bee-are LIKE-ida the hony." What?

My book doesn't say that.

It was awful.

I'm like, come on Bruno, learn how to read, man.

You're 17. It's ridiculous.

Put your helmet back on.

How come he gets a helmet, Miss?

Nobody told me why he wore a helmet.

How come he gets a helmet?

He gets to leave every day at two o'clock on his own bus.

That's not fair.

No one told me.

I'd show up the next day with the helmet on.

"Miss, it's two o'clock. Bruno and I gotta take off.

Our bus is outside. Yeah."

Poor kid.

I couldn't do math in grade six, too.

I remember, we did fractions.

I had no idea how to do fractions.

Then we had a test on fractions.

I'll never forget.

I got my test back

and my result was a fraction. I had no idea what I got.

And kids asked "What'd you get, what'd you get?"

"I don't know, I got another question at the top."

And I was so bad at math in grade six.

I'd get my bud... this is how bad I was.

My buddy Dave and I, we didn't know how to do...

we didn't know anything.

But I knew how to do percent.

This is how bad we were though. I'd go "Dave,"

"you got a calculator? I know. She did it to mine too.

"I know how to do percent.

"Let's see what we got.

"You got a calculator?

"Okay. Punch this in. 30.

"Yeah.

Don't hit sin. We don't know what sin does yet."

I would always...

I would always bless myself

'cause I didn't know what that sin...

It's a sin to hit it. Don't hit it.

Don't hit it.

"Why?" "'Cause."

"You got 30?

"Okay, divide it, divide it by a hundred.

"That's what the bottom number is.

"Yeah. Show all your work in case she checks.

"Show all your work. We'll get part marks.

"Okay. now multiply that by a hundred.

"That'll give you my percent. What does that say?

"I think I did good.

"30?

No, no, no. You're doing something wrong 'cause that's..."

I thought he was smart 'cause he showed me how to spell

"boobless" in the calculator. I was like, wow,

that's my math partner right there.

I hated math. I remember being in grade 11 math.

I'll never forget.

The teacher came in one day and said,

"What's the square root of an imaginary number?"

What?

Hold on miss.

Let me go ask my imaginary friends at the back.

That's the kind of stuff they teach you.

And the hardest part of teaching is, uh...

do we have any teachers here?

And what do you teach?

- Grade six.

- Grade six. That's where I failed.

Oh, teaching hungover, gotta be the hardest.

Is it not? It's impossible.

There's no job. I've had jobs

you can get around at hungover. Not teaching.

There's 35 kids with questions that love it.

No, don't love it today.

Grade twelves, it wasn't so bad.

I could walk into the grade twelves when I taught

and say "Kids, I'm hungover today.

I don't feel like talking."

They're like "Perfect. So are we? This is great."

"Let's play heads up seven up, sir." "Yeah, let's do that.

That's good. Let's forget the curriculum."

You can't do that with the grade fives. No.

They'd drive you nuts.

When your head's pounding, you're hungover,

there's always that helper kid.

Remember this idiot who wants to follow you around

all day and help?

"Can I hold the door?"

"Can I get the balls?"

Shows up at your class, it's seven in the morning

'cause his parents can't stand him either.

Remember this kid?

Oh, drove me nuts.

It's the worst with little kids.

I had to tell them I was sick.

"Kids, I'm sick today."

And then they wanna part...

"Sir, maybe you have a tummy ache".

No, I don't have a tummy ache.

"A virus?" No look, I know what I have today.

You know, I know what the problem is, okay?

You don't need to guess all day.

Okay? And talking is bad for this sickness that I have.

That's the sickness I have.

I assigned presentation day when I was hungover

the first time.

Bad idea.

Oh my God. Grade fives, this is the end of the world.

This is the biggest day of their life,

presentation on the giraffe.

I'm not even listening to these things.

I've given everybody seven outta ten the night before.

I don't care.

I just... just wanna get through the day.

Not to them. This is it.

Especially the girls.

As soon as you said the word, "presentation",

they weren't listening anymore. They wanted to see

if you were gonna say the word, "partner"

so they could signal, "Partners, if he says 'partners'

we'll be partners. If he says partners."

Okay? That's their signal.

"Partners, if he says partners."

"Sorry, Julie, I already signaled to Jennifer.

It's the signal we have."

"Sir, can we have groups of three?"

Yeah, go ahead. Go in groups of eight.

I'm not listening to these things.

I hated partners 'cause there's always that one kid

that no-one picks.

Remember this little kid in grade five?

He had a mustache, that's why no one picked him.

That's... remember that kid?

Like, "Tony, you have a mustache.

You're freaking everybody out. Shave it. You're nine."

So I gotta push him with the helper group,

and there's three of them standing up there talking,

and I've got a headache.

Chewbacca's not saying a word,

he's just playing with his mustache.

Everybody's gotten seven outta ten.

But these girls don't get it.

They're putting their heart and soul. "This is...

this is" - they have a conference.

"This is the biggest presentation we'll ever have.

We need to get extra marks."

They always had extra marks.

They'd do anything. They'd bring a giraffe.

"Bring in the giraffe, bring it in.

We're gonna show 'em what a giraffe is. This is our giraffe.

Stop. From Africa. Stop".

Girls, you didn't need to go to Africa. Okay?

You got seven outta ten already, you're doing way too much.

And then they would just argue.

That was the whole presentation.

My head's pounding, I'm at the back. Oh God.

"Today, we are going to talk about the giraffe. The gir..."

"I was supposed to say that. I was supposed to say that."

One little mistake.

"Sir, can we start over?"

"No, no, sit down, that was great. Seven out of ten."

I had this one class of grade fives.

I hated this one kid.

Man, I felt like hitting him.

You're not allowed though, that's not allowed.

It's frustrating, 'cause it used to be allowed.

Sometimes I think teachers should seriously,

the way kids are today, they should get a one hit pass

at the beginning of the year.

You get to use it once. One hit.

That way, before kids will swear at you, they'll think,

"I wonder if he's used his pass yet this year

before I act like a moron."

And if you don't use them one year, you get to collect them

like sick days at the end of your career.

You can walk around whacking kids when you're 65.

"Don't go near him, man. He's nuts.

He's got 35 hits left. Don't go near him."

Ridiculous. You can't hit 'em.

Billy was just an...ugh, I hated this kid.

And I realized one day, you know what?

There's nothing that says you can't hit him

if you play dodgeball with him.

That was the best thing I ever figured out

in all my years of teaching.

Every day, we would play dodgeball.

I'd use tennis balls, too, to speed it up a little bit.

Sometimes, I'd keep 'em in the staff room fridge

in case it got hot.

And I would pick teams.

I'd be like, "All right, playing dodgeball again."

"Sir, we play this every day." "Yeah, well,

you're a prick every day, Billy, so."

And I would pick teams, right?

And I'd always try to be unbiased, but it...

"Okay Billy, Billy you're on that side.

"Yeah, face the wall over there. Good.

"Good luck today, okay?

"And I'm gonna go on this side. I'm gonna be on this team.

"I'll be the captain 'cause I'm the best player

"and the rest of you, go wherever the hell you want.

"I don't even care if you stay in the gym.

You can go home, for all I care."

We don't need witnesses for this game of dodgeball.

And I'd always look for the good tennis balls,

the ones where the fuzz were all shaved off. Remember those?

Those were the best,

'cause you could hear the leather when it hit 'em.

"Oh!"

"I got you right in the face, Billy. Wow!

"Where are you going? Billy!

"No, you're not out.

"No, it was above the neck.

"You're okay, come on back.

"Yeah.

You're still alive."

My parents are Scottish, which is...

are there any Scottish people here?

It is, uh, yeah, it is a crazy culture.

I don't even know half the time what they're saying.

But I grew up with it and we'd go on trips.

My dad's a very loud Scottish guy,

knows everything.

He knows everything.

My dad's biggest fear in life

was crossing the border to the States.

So he would prep us on the rules of the car.

He had his own border rules, in the car.

He was so afraid, he'd see it off in the distance.

"All right.

"Here it comes.

"Oh God, I hate this, I hate this.

"Could do away with this.

"All right. When we get here, shut up.

"I'm the only one speaking. All right?

No one says a thing."

Then he'd have a rehearsal.

So we'd mock him.

He wanted to make sure we weren't gonna talk,

so we'd have... have a rehearsal.

"All right, let's practice.

"Uh, you boys in the back..."

"Is he Scottish, Dad?"

"No, he is no Scottish. I'm doing him."

Could... couldn't have long hair, 'cause my dad thought

that made us look like ruffians.

Had to take our baseball hats off, all these rules.

My mother had sunglasses on once, as we're about to pull up.

He's freaking out telling her to take the sunglasses off,

"Cause you look like bloody prostitute,

that's why."

"That's right, Dad. That's Mom,

"the 40-year-old Scottish hooker

we're trying to sneak into Buffalo."

"Shut up! You're not supposed to speak!"

And this was just to get by the toll booth.

No one was even in it. He didn't know the difference.

My parents are 70,

and they, and they leave me voice messages

and all it is is an argument. That's all it is.

There's no message for me, it's just the two of them

arguing, 'cause my dad never hears the beep.

So this is the message I get from my, my father

the other day.

"Where the hell's the beep. Hello?

Hello. Where is the beep?"

And then my mom's in the background,

"Who are you talking to?"

"Would you shut up!

I can't hear the beep if you're yapping in the back."

And then he gets mad at me in the message.

Silence. "Yeah Gerry,

this message is no' going through here, call me back." Oh.

My dad, he's a mad guy.

They tell you things, too,

differently than parents in North America.

I heard a kid the other day talking back to his mom,

five years old. She said, "I've just about had it."

"Just about..." That means he can continue on,

being an ass a little longer.

You didn't get that chance with my dad.

My dad, this is what he would do.

He would point out something on his body

and then he would just tell you

what he was gonna do with it.

And then he would just take it to a limit

that you're like, "Man, you're nuts."

He'd be like, "All right, do you see this hand?"

"You see this fist?

"I'm going to take this fist and I'm gonna smash it

"through your face in two minutes.

"All right? And then I'm gonna take your face

"and I'm gonna smash the whole face

"right up against that wall if you don't shut up!

Now let's go to mass." Oh, cool.

My parents have been married like, 47 years.

It's like they've been separated for 40,

'cause my mom lives at home, my dad lives at the Legion.

That's where he lives.

Someone told my dad at the Legion, too, about hockey,

when he got here.

They said, "If you're gonna put your kids into hockey,

you better teach him how to fight."

So when I was six, my dad put me in karate.

There's just a lot of karate fights in ice hockey.

What a waste of time this was.

All I learned was how to bow.

That's all they do, bow.

And I learned... I had to go three times a week,

and I learned this kata.

This is what I learned, right?

It cost my dad like, a thousand dollars for six months,

I got a black stripe. I didn't even get the yellow belt.

I got the black stripe,

which was a cheap piece of electrician's tape

that this French guy wrapped around.

"There you go, good job."

A thousand dollars.

My dad worked for the TDC for 23 years,

hated every day of it.

I knew how much he hated it, 'cause everything he bought us,

he would base it on how many trips it was that day,

up and down Jane Street, 'cause he hated Jane Street.

"Dad, could I get a bike?"

"A bike? You'd like a bike?

"Do you know how many times I have to drive

up and down Jane Street for your bloody bike?"

"Hey, forget it. Just keep me in karate."

Karate. I learned a kata.

This is what I learned, exactly. Right.

I learned this.

That was the first move and I couldn't remember it

so I had to say, "Start the lawnmower," to myself.

'Cause I'm six.

Start the lawnmower.

And then I would turn to the side.

This is all we learned in six months - this.

And then you'd wait. There'd be like 12 kids

and you'd wait till he'd come by

and your legs are killing you.

And you're like, "Oh, this is gonna make me

a better fighter, though, just hang on."

So I learned this. And then we would turn to the side,

every day, same thing, another lawnmower.

And then a kick.

That was how I was gonna beat kids up at the rink.

That was what I was gonna do.

That's all I knew.

I'm actually walking around now,

thinking I'm a lethal weapon.

Like, 'cause I... 'cause that's what you tell people.

Right? I remember grade one recess when there's a fight,

the whole school shows up. Fight, fight, fight.

Everyone's excited.

Even teachers on recess duty were excited.

Something to do for 15 minutes.

I'm warning people.

I got this big Irish kid named Sean, who wants to fight me.

Big Irish kid, drinking at recess, the whole nine yards.

And I'm terrified, but I'm telling him, "I can't fight.

"I'm trained

in the Karate."

He doesn't care.

Everybody's showing up for the fight.

I'm trying to bow to everybody,

'cause it's embedded in my head. We must bow.

Hurry up. Fight's about to start.

Oh God, I got killed.

Sean's buddies showed up from behind for support, too.

One kid was smoking - grade one.

That's how rough this kid was with his friends.

My kids showed up for support, my buddies,

but they just saw West Side Story,

so they came snapping and dancing,

"Whoo! You fight tonight."

No, there's not.

I got killed, man. All I knew was my kata.

He's standing there, ready to kill me, I'm like this.

"You sure you wanna fight? Are you sure?

All right, let's go."

Bowed. And then I did my lawnmower.

This is me fighting.

The kid, he's looking at me like, what are you doing?

You'll see what I'm gonna do.

And then I turned to the side.

What the hell does this do?

Punching on nothing.

They never taught us the guy doesn't move with you.

"Why don't you come around here, Sean?"

"Can you just move around here, please,

so I can finish my kata?"

Turned around, kicked my friend in the face.

I went to church, too. I had to go to church every Sunday,

nine o'clock in the morning, you don't get time to eat.

No, let's go. Time for church.

Oh, it's the worst when you're little, church.

I don't go anymore.

I gave it up for Lent a couple years ago.

That's a good way out, right there.

But it was awful. Remember when you were six?

I don't know, whatever religion you are,

but, two things I hated about church was it was always hot

and they would tease you, right?

There'd be three little fans. Not on. No.

No, we didn't get enough in the collection. We can't afford.

You're just dying.

And you're always starving,

'cause you can't eat an hour before communion.

That was the rule.

So you're just... your whole mass is waiting,

the whole mass is waiting for him to say "Come and this is,

this is the ending. This is the meal".

And they hold it up, and you're like,

"Oh God, I hope I get a big piece like that."

You don't get the big piece, you just get a little one.

And they make you line up like slaves, right?

Like, you're like, "Oh" - this is how you get it.

"Oh, I'm coming to get you."

And then you bump into the person.

"Sorry buddy, I was looking at the food."

It was horrible.

We weren't allowed to take it in our hands.

That's the worst 'cause then it sticks

to the roof of your mouth and now you have to wait

three more days to eat it.

Not allowed to touch Jesus.

You're walking around school on Wednesday,

"I can't, I can't... I can't talk,

'cause you're not allowed to, I can't touch this.

My dad will put my face to the rock.

It was a horrible way to grow up.

You had to go to confession.

My mother always told me too.

She said, "Nevermind the bars.

Church is where you'll meet a nice girl.

Yeah?

How would you do that, mom?

When the basket comes around for the money?

"No, no, no, no. I would like to treat that girl right there

to the basket. Right there. Yeah, hello."

And we had to go to confession. That was the worst.

Walk into a dark room and confess all my sins.

First thing you did was lie. How long it was your...

since your last time you'd been there.

That was a lie right away.

Didn't make sense to me walking into a dark room

and telling a priest all my sins.

All right, father,

why don't you go first?

You were in the paper all week,

and we'll deduct my Hail Marys from yours.

That'll be my penance.

Now, that's not all priests, but that's some of them.

That's why they're hidden,

'cause they're wanted in some provinces or...

No, that's overdoing it.

But I went to mass with my buddy

and they'd never been to a, a Catholic mass

and it was Christmas.

And of course, I see the humor in everything.

So I don't know how many of you are Catholic,

but there's a part in our mass where we shake hands.

It's the best part 'cause, you know, it's almost over

when that part comes, right?

And you have contests, "How many did you get?"

14. That's my record.

So I got my buddy standing next to me.

He goes, "Is there anything I need to know?"

I said, "Yeah, just when you shake hands,

that's the only time you gotta interact

with the people beside you."

I said "Just say hallelujah, every time".

You're supposed to say "Peace be with you",

And I hear my buddy, right, he wants to be part of it,

so he's really into it.

All right, and the Lord be with you, and also with you.

Let us offer each other a sign of peace.

Hallelujah.

How you doing?

Throws in a 'how you doing?' How you doing?

Hallelujah. Hi, hallelujah.

How you doing? Good.

Turns to me after four and goes,

"It's not hallelujah, is it?" "No".

It's peace be with you.

Good try though.

You're going to hell for doing that. What?

Yeah, you go to hell if you say hallelujah, that's the rule.

You go to hell, if you say hallelujah, yeah.

What?

Where are the small town girls? Small town girls.

Oh yes.

I like small town girls. I just hated dating them.

It's the worst. You ever do that?

Don't date a small town girl

if you're not from a small town,

'cause eventually

you have to go back

to that small town with them.

Big Legion dance on a Saturday night.

People are looking at you, "Who's the guy

without the ball cap and the shirt tucked in?"

"Who's that guy?"

"He's not from these parts."

"Let's beat him up." That's how they live.

"He's dating Jenny. That's Johnny's girlfriend

from second grade."

That's what they do, they beat you up

'cause you don't know them.

It's the worst.

And I'm not a beer drinker.

You know how stupid you look in a small town Legion

ordering coolers?

I drink coolers.

You can't look tough ordering coolers.

I would try too. "Hey, bartender!"

Guys are staring at you.

Yeah. "Hey bartender" "Yeah?"

"Where's the strawberry banana kiwi cooler

I ordered half an hour ago, buddy. Huh?

And they make fun of you too when you drink coolers.

"Nice lipstick loser."

Uh, ha.

.

"It's not lipstick buddy,

it's raspberry cooler that I chugged."

Oh, got married in August,

that's a big change, getting married. Yeah.

It's different though, hey, marriage is way different

from single.

One thing though is different.

I don't, I used to be... when I was single,

I would hate to buy toilet paper in front of people.

I don't know what that was.

I was always worried there'd be a good looking girl

in the line behind me.

Weird. Caught up.

"This isn't for me. I don't, I don't...

I don't do that. I don't do it ever.

No, it's my roommate.

He does a lot. I don't, I don't use this, ever.

I don't even do that."

It's so different though.

Like I, I've got single buddies

and they... they don't even invite you out anymore

'cause you, you're not the same person.

You go to bars. I'm not looking at the girls,

and like... I'm looking at 'em but I'm not..

I'm not that changed.

But it's so different.

I'll walk in, walk in the bar going,

"Did you guys see the nickel-plated handles on the doors?"

They had impatience outside, that looked really good.

This is a really good bar.

I dunno if anybody's engaged,

but I would suggest that you send out your invitations first

and then ask people to send in their response

with the gift.

Like, you lose friends from your wedding.

You bring your friends,

and then they're no longer your friends

'cause of the gift you got.

It's true. And people you hated,

you didn't even wanna invite,

give you a great gift and you suddenly like them.

You're like, "Oh, they're not... you know what?

They're not that bad actually."

"This is nice. There's a lot of money and I really...

I-I liked him. He was good tonight. He was..."

But here's what I suggest you do, 'cause it's ridiculous.

I think people should send out,

send out your invites for the wedding

and ask people to send in their gifts first.

Get all the gifts ahead of time,

and then give everybody their meal

based on the gift you got.

'Cause you have to commit to the same meal

and that's not fair.

We had a couple, that gave us a plate.

One big plate.

How do you...or even go to a store and say

"Where's the plate section?" "Plates, sir?"

"No, no, just singular."

Just... we're just buying one, from the two of us.

What are we supposed to do with one plate?

Honey, hurry up and eat and wash it. I'm starving.

It's hot, my hand.

One plate.

We got a gravy boat.

It holds two liters of gravy, 'cause that...

Seriously, that's what someone got us. A gravy boat.

'Cause I can't tell you how many times before I got married,

I couldn't figure out a way to get the gravy

from the pot to my plate

in two liter quantities.

What kinda gift is that? What are you thinking?

It's not like we went out for dinner one night

with this couple and I ordered 17 sides of gravy.

That's what we'll get him. We'll get him a gravy boat.

He loves gravy. Listen to him. Listen.

One couple gave us $45.

That was the weirdest denomination I had.

Where do you come up with that amount?

$45.

What are you sitting at home before the wedding,

"How much should we give? 40?" "That's not enough.

"50?" "What, are we made of money all of a sudden?"

Or did they give us $50 and on the way to the wedding go,

"Oh, we gotta get a card. Yeah.

Told you we gave too much."

My wife's new thing is, uh, when I...

she forgets something that I told her,

and I told her. 'Cause now I email her 'cause I have proof.

That's my new thing.

I email her, 'cause she says...

and what I do, because you can,

this is the best thing about emailing. Girls use this.

You can say anything to your wife or your whatever,

your significant other, anything in an email,

and you can say it, as long as you put

"ha ha ha" at the end of the sentence.

That's what girls do.

"I didn't, I didn't really enjoy your demeanor last night,

but anyway. Ha ha ha."

And it's like, what, I don't get it.

Make sure there's three 'ha's though,

'cause if it's ha ha, it doesn't sound good.

But this is our new thing.

I told... I said, "I told you this two weeks ago,

we were gonna meet them Friday."

"No you didn't." "Yes, I did".

"No, you must have dreamt it."

Oh I dreamt it,

because that's the crap dreams I have every night.

I love watching girls do things, they're so organized.

Wow. You plan things forever.

You do. That's different from us.

Like when girls get together and plan a night out,

way different. You don't see that with guys

calling each other up, "Hey Bill, it's Jeff.

We're going out in two months. Start thinking about it."

"Okay."

"What's the theme gonna be?"

"We're not sure yet. We'll email you."

Put ha ha ha at the end of every sentence.

Girls love it.

They plan everything.

They won't drink and drive. That's a difference.

7:30 there's cabs. No-one's drinking and driving.

No. Will not happen.

When do guys plan that? When they go out 10 to two?

We're all driven. We're all hammered.

Trying to figure out how we're getting home.

Sometimes guys need their wife or girlfriend

to drink and drive. You don't get that.

If I go to the bar and I'm driven, and I end up

having 13 or 14 coolers, I should not be driving.

The sugar rush.

Guys like to... you ever do this, guys,

like to run home drunk. We don't need driving.

I've done that so many times.

My buddy's like, "Do you want a ride?" "No, no, no".

"I'm gonna run home 17 miles".

'Cause you can run forever when you're drunk.

There's that feeling.

For me, it's the sugar.

It's like, I know I had a lot of coolers,

so I'm okay to run. Yeah.

I love watching guys though at ten to two,

'cause everybody's driven, and now they're all trying to act

how they're getting home. Right?

And girls, sometimes you won't drive us.

You could be with us. You had..."No, I had a shooter."

"I told you. I had a shot. I know my body weight."

"I know what I'm allowed. I will not drive."

And I'm like, "I had 13 coolers. I shouldn't dr..."

And then I gotta drive. That's not right.

Hitting OnStar. I have OnStar, I use that sometimes if I...

OnStar! Can you tell me how to get home?

Just side streets.

Just side streets.

Can you see cops from your satellite?

Route me around them 'cause my wife had a shooter.

It's funny when guys go out though,

'cause there's always one guy

he's still walking around hammered and it's like the...

he's got two beers left, it's 10 after two,

they're kicking everybody out

and he's trying to act responsible still.

He can't even breathe when he talks. Have you seen this guy?

"Where're you... Dave? Where..."

"What happened there?"

"The air, the air left".

But he's trying to act responsible

'cause his friend's about to leave.

"Where're you going? No, you shouldn't drive."

"Come on, give me the keys. Come on."

Then he tries to lecture him, "Okay, go."

"You're gonna be a jerk. Get outta here."

"That's not smart Dave."

Two seconds later, "Can I get a ride though?"

Girls are different in that sense.

When they go out, they have a song in their head

that they want to hear.

That's part of the night. It's a new song.

"I wanna hear this. If I hear this... mm".

And they will download it, have lyrics.com right beside them

and they'll get ready and they'll practice the words.

Hit 'Repeat'. "I love the beginning. I wanna hear it again."

"I love the beginning. I wanna hear it again."

And they have moves, "That'll work right there".

"If I do that move when we're dancing, that'll work there."

But girls practice. It's awesome.

So different. You get to the bar,

you do everything together. You check your coats.

You're all excited.

"Just put them on one hanger, we're all together."

"We're leaving together."

We check our coats too.

We just don't pick 'em up at the end of the night,

that's a big difference. We're too hammered.

Freezing outside."Where's your coat?" "I don't know."

"I don't know where it is."

It's in the coat check, hanging on a hanger.

"I don't know. I just forgot it I guess."

Girls never forget that stuff.

You do everything together. You have a rule too,

that rule that you have to leave together.

That's the one we hate.

"We leave as a group, okay?"

"Nobody goes off. All right?"

Guys, don't do that.

They don't call each other in, "Guys, before we start,

let's leave together tonight, all right?

'Cause you never know what's out there. Okay?"

"Come on Jeff, let's go to the washroom quick,

get this out of the way."

Never see that.

Oh, big difference.

And the funniest thing too. The end of the night,

every girl's night out in the world, ends the same way.

Doesn't matter how old you are or where you're from,

there's always one girl at the end of the night

balling her eyes out

and no-one knows why.

Everyone's running around 'cause Jennifer...

"Jen... Jennifer's down. Stop. So, the night's over. Stop."

Leave all the men that have bought you drinks, it's over.

"Jennifer!"

And Jennifer won't talk.

"Jennifer, what happened?" "I didn't see. I didn't see."

"I was in the circle of dance, dancing. Jennifer!"

"Who said what? What?"

And then you pet her like roadkill, "It's just, just okay."

"It's okay, I've got it covered. It's okay. It's okay."

Hold her hair, it's highlights. Hold it.

Oh guys don't do that.

Guys go to the strip joint, that's a guy thing.

Funny thing about the strip joint,

there's two types of guys in the world still left.

You can separate guys into two simple categories.

Guys that can admit to their wives or girlfriends

that they go.

Then there's still those guys that still have to say

they've never been.

And right now, those guys have to stare at me

the whole time I talk about strip joints

'cause if their wife's here, they're like,

"Oh God, this is really awkward right now."

That's so funny to me 'cause that ride home,

you know the first question is

"So do you go to strip joints at all?"

"I didn't get the joke. I didn't even get it."

"I don't even know what he's talking about".

Because that's how guys are, man.

Every guy that's been to a strip joint,

we all don't have a clue what we sound like

in our heads when we walk in.

But we all do the same thing.

Doesn't matter who you are.

This is my impression of how every guy

walks into a strip joint. This is what we think.

"Oh, ho ho!"

"Look at the losers that come to these places, man."

"Oh God, that guy was here last week. Look at him."

I have a lot of Chinese friends.

Do we have any Chinese people here?

By applause?

Yes. I love Chinese people.

The only thing I don't like, my Chinese friends do this.

When we're driving, they put me in the back seat

and they put on the Chinese radio station.

I don't have a clue what's going on.

But the problem with that is

the Chinese don't have words for the 'highways'.

So all I hear is this.

Don Valley Parkway.

What's going on in Don Valley up there guys?

Don't go that way. There's something happening - I think.

I don't know what he's saying.

It's strange.

It's strange how you, you hear things too.

And I keep listening

and it's almost like the announcers are gonna say

"Ding dong, the witch is dead." That's what I hear.

I don't wanna make fun of Chinese people,

but I don't speak Chinese, but that's what I hear.

"Ding dong, the witch...", I'm waiting for it every time.

"The witch is dead", say it!

There's a witch dead, on the Don Valley Parkway.

That's what I hear.

I love Chinese people though.

I was a waiter.

Nine years I waited, at The Keg.

"Baked potato, fries or rice?" that's all I said every day.

"Baked potato, fries or rice?"

"Ha ha, my name's Gerry. Hi, how are you?"

"Baked potato, fries or rice?"

Oh God, shoot me.

Nine years I did that.

Lied.

I lied for nine years.

I dunno if any of you are in the service industry

but lying... , yes.

They'll get this.

Two things I hated.

One,

people who ordered tea

'cause it takes forever.

You're running around looking for stuff.

"Your meals are up." "Yeah, I know,

I've gotta find the teapot."

"Gerry, your meals are up."

"I know, I'm looking for a plate for this tea."

No. It screws your whole night. No more tea.

"Could I have a tea please?"

"Sorry ma'am, we're out of tea tonight."

Yeah, that's easy. Done.

The problem with doing that is there's the keener waiter

in your section next to you, always shows up

with a tea party to his table

'cause he does everything perfectly.

Now I look like an idiot.

They're looking at him and I'm looking at him going,

"Did the tea come in? Oh, okay. All right."

"Yeah, it usually comes in 9:00, 9:30.

So I guess it's arrived."

Hated the cheap rich people. They're the worst.

"How much is it for a side of mushrooms?"

"99 cents." "Oh, forget it. I'll just...

I'll just keep the steak and lobster. No mushrooms."

"I'm gonna leave you a dollar, for yourself."

Never brought decaf coffee, ever. Not a chance.

I'm running around like crazy

looking for that one orange pot and brewing it and...

Again, it screws up your whole night.

I would just bring regular coffee,

put a little straw on it.

That was the trick.

"What's the straw for?"

"That's to remind me, ma'am, that you have the decaf."

Enjoy painting your house at two in the morning.

Italians are the best.

They are.

Italians are just so loyal

to each other, really. They're not really...

If you're a mangiacake, they don't care about you.

You're just there to help them with their life.

I did, I was nine years old,

we moved into an Italian neighborhood.

I knew right away I had Italian neighbors

'cause I would play road hockey

and I could never play the next day

'cause this guy would always take my sticks

and cut them off for his tomato plants in the backyard.

Every day.

Like "Mr. Richie, uh, that was brand new stick."

"Hav-e a some sauce."

"I don't want, I don't want sauce."

"I got 30 bags of your sauce, okay?"

"I'm tired of playing ringette with my sister

in the driveway."

And they never know your name.

You ever live next to Italians?

If you're not Italian, they don't care.

They're not looking for new friends.

They don't care what your name... they never say,

"What is... what is-a your name?"

They don't ever say that, they don't care.

Whatever name comes outta their mouth, that's your name

if you live next to an Italian.

Jimmy. I was Jackie. Tony.

Sometimes I was Jenny.

I don't know where Jenny came from.

And I would do little jobs for him.

Cut his grass. He'd water his driveway.

They love to do that, hey.

He would stand outside all day.

"Hey Jackie!",

just watering in his driveway.

"Don't step on-a the driveway today."

"I'm watering the driveway today."

"You get a nice-a, clean driveway."

Never parked his car, ever, in the driveway.

"No. Not park today."

"I got a dirt on the driveway today".

And the raccoons would step on it.

He was so mad at the 'rac-ca-coons'.

"These-a goddamn rac-ca-coon, ai."

"I don't know where it come from, Jackie".

And he'd look for it, like it was at his feet.

"I don't know where this rac-ca-coon."

"I find one day, I find one day Johnny, this rac-ca-coon,

'cause he step on-a my driveway.

I KILL this rac-ca-coon so fast!"

I'd hear him at three in the morning,

trying to trick the rac-ca-coon.

He really wanted to kill.

He'd never seen one.

Someone told him they're out at night,

so he'd be out at three in the morning with a slipper,

his wife's slipper was gonna kill it.

Whada! Like this.

Behind his back.

And you know Italians have something behind their back,

'cause they tell you they have nothing behind their back.

"Where are you nice ra-ca-coon?"

"I don't have-a nothing behind my back".

And I used to do jobs for this guy every day.

Cut his grass, shovel his driveway.

And he would drink coffee, all day.

He called it 'Cof', for short.

I was terrified when I figured that out.

That truck came by at noon with the 'cof'.

"Hey Jenny!"

"Yes?"

"Do you wanna go for cof?

"Huh?"

"You wanna go for cof,

or you want me to go for cof?"

"I'm not allowed to do that yet, no."

Every day.

If you ever work for an Italian,

that's confusing.

They fire you

every day,

but they forget.

You know how confusing that is when you're nine?

"Hey Jimmy."

"Yesterday Jimmy,

you not cut the grass

in a straight line."

"I know I say yesterday, goodbye Jackie,

don't come back this time for sure,

but this time Tony,

I have no time for this grass for sure.

Yesterday. I say for sure you come back.

I don't look. I say, "Okay Jackie, wanna come back.

I'm-a not gonna see this time.

I give him one more chance.

But I look-a through this, Jimmy.

I see still. This is for sure no good this time.

Don't cut this grass again

because you don't work here for me no more, okay?

Goodbye, and don't come back for sure.

Okay, Jenny, I see you tomorrow, nine o'clock,

we go for cof, okay?"

Anyway, you guys thank you so much

for being a part of this.

Really appreciate it.

You guys have a great night. Thanks again.