Original subtitles

Family Reunion was filmed in front of a live studio audience.

Uch, I can't. My mom's making me do this stupid playdate with Ami.

-Jade. -Shh.

-Is Drew gonna be there? -Jade, look.

Ami, I'm on the phone. God, is your little sister--

Ow.

Are you laughing at me?

Yes. Ha ha ha ha ha.

Hey, Jade.

Tell me you didn't see that.

He saw it. Everybody saw it.

Look, you're already a meme.

No, she's not.

- Ow! - Ha ha ha ha.

Oh. Ha ha ha ha.

Yeah, you are.

Guess you got roped into babysitting like me.

Uh, I like spending as much time with my sister as I can.

I learn as much from her as she does from me.

Ha ha ha ha ha.

Uh, I-I feel the same way. Ha ha ha.

Heck, when we're not at the park, we enjoy horseback riding,

tea parties, and braiding each other's hair.

Go play.

-Wanna sit down? -Oh, sure.

So, uh, are y'all moved in?

Yeah. I unpacked my last box last night.

Haven't quite made peace with moving to Columbus.

Why? We've got everything Seattle's got, plus a bonus.

Me.

We've yet to determine if that's a bonus.

You might be as country as a sugar sandwich.

You know what? We'll settle this right now.

-Uh-huh. -Who's your favorite rapper?

-And please don't say Drake. -Drake!

-Oh. -Yes!

No. Look...

-That might be a dealbreaker. -Mm-hmm.

-So who's your favorite? -Chance the Rapper.

Oh, I like him, too.

Okay, you've redeemed yourself.

Oh. Our sisters play so well together.

Yeah. They're probably over there talking about unicorns and rainbows.

This climate-change stuff has been keeping me up at night.

I hear you. And these plastic straws will be the death of us all.

Wonder what they're talking about.

No, I am telling you, Batman could not beat Superman.

-You're crazy! -It is impossible!

It is impossible! Boy...

-There is a million ways. -Don't even.

Oh. Look at you fitting into Jade's jeans.

Oh, these aren't Jade's. These are mine.

-Oh. -I think they look cute.

Sure, if you're dropping it like it's hot at a Nicki Minaj concert.

What you know about Nicki Minaj?

Child, I'm in the shade room every morning with my coffee to get my tea.

Cocoa, you remember that we're going to Bible study later.

You need to borrow a Bible?

Well, actually, I've got my own.

I never leave home without it.

The price tag is still on it.

Shoot.

Bless her heart. She got the meaning of holy all wrong.

Now I need to go get you something less hoochie and more mama.

You know, I am really trying to fit in here, Moz.

I know, baby, I know, and I appreciate you. I really do.

Yeah, but Columbus--it's so different.

Sometimes I feel like Dorothy lost in a sanctified Oz.

So you're saying my mom's the Wicked Witch of the South?

No. At least not out loud.

I heard that.

So did I. Click your heels together and change your clothes.

-Ahh... -Better go.

Pork rinds are disgusting. Who wants to eat fried pig skin?

In the country, we eat every part of the pig,

from the rootie to the tootie.

I don't mind the rootie, but you could keep the tootie.

- What up, fellas? - What up?

See y'all saved me some tootie. Ha ha.

Nice cap.

Thanks.

Are those Fujisakis?

Yep. Limited edition, hand-painted.

Man, take those off. They should be in a museum somewhere.

How much them shoes cost?

About 260.

Ooh-ee!

With that kind of money,

I could buy me a patch of land and get me a purty wife...

with all her teeth.

Yo, let's play Fortnite.

No! Gives me nightmares.

Not me. I wish I could climb into that game.

Those zombies would be having nightmares about me.

Okay. You talk tough, but let's put you up against some real zombies.

I'm not scared. Too bad there aren't any around here.

Well, you know what they say about the old church basement.

-Don't say it. -Don't say what?

You know the word that rhymes with "mace bent."

You mean, ba--

Don't say it! You gon' talk up those haints.

What are haints?

Ghosties, goblins, and tax collectors. Evil folk.

The church is haunted?

Just the area where they used to prep bodies for funerals--

down in the basement.

Nah, you said it.

Spin to the left. Spin to the right.

Eh, get thee behind me, Satan.

Is he behind me?

Okay, we're good.

Shaka, I'll bet you my entire hat collection against your Fujisakis

that you won't go down there and stay alone for ten minutes.

What?

You know, your hat game is pretty nice.

You know what it would look good with?

My pretty face.

We'll see how much trash you talk once you're in that spooky church basement.

Oh, again?

Spin. To the right.

Oh, Cocoa.

You look perfect.

You look like M'Dear.

I know.

That used to be my Mother's Day outfit.

-Nice, huh? -Yeah.

You look like a real southern belle,

except for that tramp stamp on your lower back.

Didn't think I saw that, did you?

Hey, girls. How was your playdate?

Fun. Lily and I are besties.

- Oh. - They have another playdate tomorrow.

Ah, great. Jade, you don't have to take Ami again. I'll do it.

Oh, no. I like to spend as much time with my sister as I can.

I learn as much from her as she does from me.

Really, girl?

-Heh. -Thanks for helping out, Jade.

Yeah, baby. You are maturing right in front of our eyes.

Oh, thanks, Mom. By the way, you look so nice.

She is so up to something.

-No, she's not. -Moz, she said I look nice.

Oh, she is so up to something.

I'd like to introduce the newest member of our Bible-study class--

my daughter-in-law Cocoa.

Cocoa, please tell us a little bit about yourself.

-Oh, no. -Yes.

-Come on. -Share.

Um... Ooh, sorry. Uh...

hi, everyone.

Hi, Cocoa.

So, I recently moved from Seattle with my family.

We came to visit and just fell in love with the community.

-Now, that's understandable. -Hmm. Sounds like somebody got evicted.

Heh. No, we did not.

We just think that Columbus

is a wonderful place to raise our children.

If you say so, baby.

Uh, Cocoa, what was the name of your home church back in Seattle?

Oh, um, we didn't have a home church.

You don't have to go to church to believe in God.

Cocoa had a very unconventional upbringing.

Yes. My father was an anthropologist.

I grew up traveling and being exposed to a variety of cultures and religions.

I've come to realize that the path to God is full of ups, downs,

starts, stops, twists, turns.

Girl, are you talking about a divine walk or a ride at Six Flags?

Cocoa...

as you study the Word, honey,

you will find that knowing Jesus

will bring a richer meaning to your life.

Oh, no, no.

I am a very spiritual person.

I'm always seeking enlightenment.

Mm-hmm. And by enlightenment, you do mean Jesus, right?

Oh, yes.

-And Muhammad... -Huh? Who?

-...Buddha... -Ooh.

...Krishna, and Bahá'u'lláh.

Balala-who?

You mean Bahowla Mendez who works down at the fish market?

That man can fry a turkey.

No. Bahá'u'lláh is a divine leader like Jesus.

We all try to be like Jesus, dear, but only Jesus is Jesus.

Preach!

Hallelujah! Ha!

True, true, but there are many prophets and philosophers

who teach the same principles as Jesus,

and some of their writings predate the Bible.

Here, I want to give you this.

Bahá'u'lláh's writings are fascinating.

Oh, no! Thank you, no.

Ooh!

Oh, honey. Mm-mmm. If any book is gonna keep me out of heaven,

it better be in 50 shades.

The gateway to the underworld is through that door.

I heard tell they used to prepare bodies for funerals down there.

Dead bodies.

And the last person to go down there never came back.

Ooh. I'm so scared.

Walk down the hallway, go through the study,

-down the stairs into the basement. -Cool.

You're pretty cavalier for a man who's about to get his soul snatched.

And remember, you have to stay down there for ten minutes

and try not to scuff up my Fujisakis in the dark.

I got this, and I may even order pizza and stay the night.

We'll see.

Now, you guys are sure Baby Dracula isn't too scary?

Oh, I think I'll be okay.

Although those animated vampires can be kind of creepy.

He was talking to us.

Right.

Heh.

Um, what snacks do you want?

We can share a large popcorn.

Tell me about your handwashing habits.

Depends on my mood.

Two small popcorns, please.

Okay, we'll be right back.

The demon got me. Get it off.

Hey, it's just Shaka. Chill.

There's a dead lady in there.

In the basement?

No, in the study. I didn't even make it to the basement.

How do you know she's dead?

Because she was dead still, like most dead people.

She could still be alive and needing our help.

Oh, man. I guess we better go back and make sure she's okay.

Eh, what do you mean "we"?

Think about this. We've gotta do what Jesus would do.

And what's that?

Run!

Aw!

Come on.

Okay.

Here's our row. You go first.

We couldn't have been gone that long.

Oh, we're in the wrong theater.

No! What is she doing?

You never get out of your car in the middle of the woods.

Yeah, and why would she even stay there?

It's called Camp Chopemup. Did she not read the brochure?

And that death scene looks so fake.

Whoo!

Not that one.

- Hah. - Sit down!

Hey. Cocoa and I are going to Atlanta this weekend.

I hope you're not working on another McKellan,

'cause there's no more room after Ian.

No, Cocoa loves the city and... she's having trouble adjusting to life here.

Does this have anything to do with what happened at Bible study?

Partly. I have to admit, I was surprised by you.

You grew up in Columbus, but you never used to act like it.

Are you saying small town, small mind?

Was that too small of a hint?

I'm just saying, you raised me to question everything.

Remember when the doctor said you were pregnant with Daniel?

What'd you say?

"I want a second opinion."

What? It could've been indigestion, allergies, a gas bubble.

You were in labor at the time.

I'm just saying you taught me to be open-minded.

Now you listen here, Moses McKellan.

Cocoa may think that her Bahabalubaha was all-knowing...

but I know if you don't know Jesus, you don't know nothing.

But how could you be so sure if you don't read him yourself?

Bahá'u'lláh.

Bahá'u'lláh. Bahá'u'lláh.

See?

We've gotta touch her to make sure she's really dead.

It smells like she's dead.

Sorry. That was me.

I'm going in.

Wakey, wakey.

Boy, give me back my leg.

I ought to beat you with it.

Oh, my God.

-That was scary. -Eh, I wasn't that scared.

You're still holding my hand.

That's just 'cause I want to.

Oh.

I feel like I'm forgetting something.

-Ami! -Lily!

Told you I could do it. I was down there for 12 minutes.

Grayson, looks like Shaka got you on this one.

Yeah, man, I'm not mad. You won fair and square.

I'll get the rest of them to you later.

Nice doing business with you, my friend.

I hate not getting those Fujisakis on my feet.

I didn't think you'd stay in that creepy basement.

After seeing half-dead Sister Patty, nothing could scare me anymore.

Have you seen Ami and Lily?

Yeah, they came back a while ago. Said you left them at the movies.

Not a good look, Jade.

Yeah. You'll need to do better if you're gonna be the mother of my "chirren".

What? Feeling froggy? Leap.

Ami, I am so sorry.

Not as sorry as you're gonna be, but go ahead.

We went to get snacks and accidentally ended up in the wrong theater.

Drew, I take it.

Mm-hmm. Cute.

Cute enough to make somebody accidentally go into the wrong theater.

It's nice to meet you.

Uh-huh. Suddenly it's all making sense.

M'Dear called Mommy.

She said on the way home, you need to pick up some juice, bread,

and a switch.

She's just kidding.

No, she's not.

Uh, bye, guys.

-Bye, Lily. -Bye, Ami.

Bye.

How much trouble am I in?

You left your eight-year-old sister in a movie theater

and let her walk home without adult supervision.

How much trouble do you think you should be in?

Well, I'm a very forgiving person, so I'd let me off with a warning.

Well, I'm not, and I won't.

But I'm not the one you're in the most trouble with.

You have some explaining to do, young lady.

I know, Ami. I was careless.

M'Dear says hormones make teenagers do crazy things.

I was so scared when I couldn't find you.

Will you forgive me and my teenaged brain?

Mm, sure, if you forgive me for using your toothbrush.

Don't worry. Next time Jade goes to the movies,

she'll be seeing Creed 12,

starring Michael B. Jordan's grandkids.

Ooh, I sure hope I live to that.

Come on, let's go braid each other's hair.

-Where's Grayson and Elvis? -They went home.

Shoot, I wanted to send this food to Grayson's family.

Why are you giving them food? Especially my Pop-Tarts?

His father's been sick,

and with only his mother working, money's tight.

Well, he didn't say anything.

Then keep it to yourself. I'm sure he doesn't like talking about it.

I will. Do you want me to take the food to his house?

It would be helpful, Shaka, thank you.

Know what? Let's give him all these brussels sprouts, too.

Cocoa, you coming to Bible study?

Nah. I'd rather stay home and feel good about myself.

Okay, but can the two of you help me take a few desserts to the church?

Yeah, sure.

No problem. Let's go.

Ahh.

You got to change. You're not going anywhere with me looking like that.

Me, either.

We going to the Lord's house, not the Waffle House.

-God said, "Come as you are." -But the wife said, "Go change."

Fine. I'll pray on it.

Well, after you pray, change.

And when my leg came off, those kids ran like the wind.

I don't know why. Ain't like you could chase 'em.

-Oh. -Oh, come on, stop.

- Good evening, everyone. - Good evening.

I have something I'd like to share with you all.

Um...

last class, Cocoa asked me--

well, she suggested I read a book by Baba Looey.

And I wasn't interested,

but my son suggested that perhaps I was being a little narrow-minded.

Tell us something we don't know.

How to cook, how to keep a man.

That your wig is on crooked.

Now, what my son said hurt...

because...

- he was right. - Aw.

You told her?

Of course I did. I got you.

So...

I started reading...

your book by Bubblicious.

That's Bahá'u'lláh.

Bahá'u'lláh. Bahá'u'lláh.

I want to get that name right because he is anointed.

But he wasn't a Christian.

Neither was Jesus.

God sent many prophets.

Gandhi, Mother Teresa, the Dalai Lama.

They may not believe exactly what we do,

but, oh, they brought so much light into the world

that it would be a tragedy for us not to study their works.

Well, I did always think that Dalai Lama was kinda cute.

Maybelle Lama.

It's got a nice ring to it.

But I do believe Jesus would approve of Bahá'u'lláh's message of love.

Because after all, Jesus is what?

Love.

Yes! Let's get this church going in here! Whoo! Hallelujah!

Cocoa, come here.

What other books should we read?

Uh, well, there's The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle

and any of Deepak Chopra's books.

Wait a minute. Tupac's still writing books?

-Thanks for opening your mind. -Thank you for talking to me.

Sometimes wisdom comes from the mouth of babes.

M'Dear, I'm 36 years old.

Yes.

Aw.