All language subtitles for Family Guy s24e00 Familiar Holiday Movie.eng

? It seems today ?

? That all you see ?

? Is violence and movies
And sex on TV ?

? But where are those
good old-fashioned values ?

[all] ? On which
we used to rely? ?

? Lucky there's a family guy ?

? Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ?

? All the things
that make us ?

? Laugh and cry! ?

? He's a family guy! ?

Mostly Family Guy, though.

[? upbeat music playing]

? Busy city miss
can't spare a dime ?

? Can't find a man
Doesn't have the time ?

? I like Ford trucks
and I think the arcade is groovy ?

? And I like you ?

? And Disney's Hulu's ?

? Family Guy's
Hallmark Channel's ?

? Lifetime's Familiar
Holiday Movie ?

-[indistinct chatter]
-What floor, ma'am?

Important business-lady floor.

Oh, two.

Good morning, Glenn.
Morning, Lois.

Here's your
protein bar breakfast

to show you're too busy
to eat a normal breakfast.

I assume you'll be sleeping
at the office tonight?

Affirmative.

Lois, I don't want to
speak out of turn,

but when
are you gonna slow down?

Find a man or a dog?

Those being the only options

since this is
a Hallmark movie.

Well, I have no time
for relationships, Glenn.

I'm on the fast track,
and I plan to be CEO one day.

Okay, well, I'm gonna stop by
the water cooler

to check on the latest gossip.

I heard American greeting
is run by Nazi sympathizers.

All right,
this is a Hallmark movie.

[Carter] Lois!

Yes, Mr. Pewterschmidt?

What are we gonna do
about this?

We're Big Pie!

And yet every year
we lose "Best Pie" award

to this tiny podunk pie shop
in the middle of nowhere.

What do you have to say
about that?

Well, there's
hundreds of pie shops,

so all things considered,

second place
is pretty darn good.

-It's bad!
-I'm sorry, sir.

You're just lucky
you're a local hire,

which got us our tax credit
to film in Vancouver.

Yep, being Canadian
is the best thing "aboot" me.

Pewterschmidt, pack your bags.

I'm sending you
to that tiny hick town

to steal
the Aunt Maude's pie recipe

so we can put them
out of business.

But... But it's Christmas.

You don't care
about Christmas.

All you care about
is getting ahead.

Well, this is your chance.

Well, my dream is to be CEO.

So okay, I'll do it.

Great. Since we're done
with business,

I now have to go sit nude
in a sauna with other CEOs.

I'll say the quiet part
out loud.

I miss Charlie Rose.

-And Harvey.
-And Matt.

And Les Moonves.

-[Les] I'm still here.
-Oh, hi, Les!

Well, this stretch of road

looks straight enough
for mascara.

-Look out!
-Argh!

[tires screeching]

Ugh.

[? festive music playing]

[engine rattling]

Hello? Is anyone here?

[man] Looks like that fancy car
of yours is having a little trouble.

Is that one of them
Volvo-cedes?

[chuckling] Yeah, it is.

Uh, you think you can fix it?

Well, we'll just have to
take a look-see.

Welcome to Townsville.
My name is Peter.

You might remember me
from the three other Hallmark movies

where we were a couple.

Ooh, you've got working,
man hands.

We don't get that
in Cityopolis.

Excuse me, Big City Lady?

Why can't white people
win Oscars anymore?

Well, now,
who's this little guy?

Oh, that's my son, Stewie.

I raised him alone,
not because of divorce,

but because his mom died
of a sad, tragic disease.

-Hmm. Sounds made up.
-It is.

[Bonnie] Peter,
who are you talking to?

Oh, no,
it's my hot local girlfriend

who was cast to attract
a male audience we'll never get.

[? alluring instrumental
music playing]

Uh... N-No one, dear.

Just a lady with car trouble.

Not anyone I'm attracted to
and I'll masturbate to later.

Well, I'll have you know
I was the best-looking girl

in an even smaller town.

I won all of the
stupid hot girl awards.

I've been
on the cover of Forbes.

It's "Ford",

and I've been on
the hood of it, too.

Don't worry, ma'am,
I'll get your car fixed

so you can get back to, uh...

What was your town called?

-Cityopolis.
-Doesn't ring a bell.

Uh, Cityopolis?

The most famous city
in the world?

-Never heard of it.
-The world capital of theater,

-ballet and fashion?
-Colder.

[sighs]

The epicenter of Deep State,

media-controlling globalists.

Oh, Cityopolis!

[? upbeat music playing]

[knock on door]

Peter, what...
What are you doing here?

Hey, Lois, I just wanted
to update you on your car.

The part won't be here
for three days.

Three days?

Yeah,
the part's on a high shelf.

And we only got
one ladder in town.

Between the roofers
and the apple pickers,

about three days is average.

That's assuming
there's no fires, mind you.

You mean I'm stuck here
for three days?

Yeah, sorry.

Hey, as long as you're stuck,

why don't I show you around?

It's not the big city,
but for me, it's home.

If you give it a chance,

I think you'll find
a lot to love in Townsville.

[? gentle music playing]

Okay, sure. [chuckles]

I'd like that.

[? lively festive music
playing]

[ice cracks, splashes]

[kids laughing]

You think that's funny?

You think that's funny,
mister?

I'll have you know
that a little snow

got in the wrist
of my sweater.

Now my wrist is wet.

I have to wear
a different sweater for a little bit

because I have to
hang up this sweater next to the heater at home.

Wool isn't supposed
to get wet.

You should know that.

I'm gonna go have a word
with your father

who used to haze me
with his penis in high school

and is being
played by Patrick Duffy

because this is
a Hallmark movie.

Good day.

Peter, what a perfect
little town you have.

It's... It's so charming.

Yeah, it really is.

Granted, the schools
only go up to eighth grade,

and the Ku Klux Klan
marches through town every couple of years.

-They do?
-Yeah, but most people boo

and only a few take flyers.

But most of all,
Townsville is known for

its picture-perfect
Christmas pageant.

-Ah!
-[alarm blaring]

Ah.

Hey, Aunt Maude's Pies.

Now, didn't you say you knew
someone who worked there?

Actually, I kind of
know the owner.

They're opening up about now.

-Why don't I introduce you?
-[bell chimes]

-[switch clicks]
-[gasps]

Peter...
you're Aunt Maude's Pies?

Wow.

I gotta take a photo of this
with my Samsung Galaxy Tab S9.

[announcer 1]
Disney's Hulu's Family Guy's

Hallmark Channel's Lifetime's
Familiar Holiday movie

is brought to you by Samsung.

Okay,
I'll just put this down now.

-Label out!
-Yes, label out.

-I got your email.
-Thank you.

Stay tuned for
more label-out programming.

[? upbeat music playing]

Peter, I can't believe
your Aunt Maude's Pies.

Your pies are so good.

I mean they're city-good.

Peter, you dropped
your kid off at school but it's Saturday.

I know, I wanted him to
swipe some school supplies.

Did you get that staple remover
that looks like a monster?

Ah! Wh- Don't use it on me!

Lois, this is Joe,

and this is Cleveland
in a scene that can be cut

without loss of continuity
in certain red states.

Guys, Lois is visiting
from Cityopolis.

Oh, is she now?

Oh, is she now?

Yeah, he's definitely
getting cut.

Nice to meet you all.

Lois, you are in for a treat.

Aunt Maude's pies
are the best around.

It'll help take off
that big city edge.

And it'll help you take off
that big city edge.

You're welcome,
Florida panhandle.

Oh, my God,
that is so delicious.

W-Where did you
get that recipe?

[chuckles nervously]
I mean, just as a fan.

Not a corporate spy
or anything.

Well,
when my beloved wife died...

You divorced her.
I don't know why you won't admit it.

...I thought
I'd never make another pie.

-But the memory of Patty...
-Susan.

-...kept me going.
-She lives down the street.

God rest her soul.

They both
have a court date tomorrow.

Oh, yeah, my family's been
making pies for generations.

That's my grandma
in the racist old photos from the '50s.

There she is
kicking some Italians out of the shop.

It was her original recipe,

and her secret ingredient
was simple. Its-

[on TV]
Good morning, Townsville. Tommy Tucker here,

reminding y'all...
That's right, "y'all",

this is a Hallmark movie.

...that the Big Townsville
Christmas Pageant and Parade is just days away.

It promises to be
the highlight of the year

with the tree lighting,
Oxycontin cook-off,

and Cousin Kissing Booth.

Oh, crap! Look at the time.

-Wha... What's wrong?
-I'm late for pageant practice!

Bonnie and me
are singing the big duet!

Fat ass left me here again.

[cell phone ringing, beeps]

So, did you steal the recipe
from those hicks yet?

No, I've had some
car trouble to deal with.

The people here
are actually very nice.

Look, forget about
those hillbillies.

You're taking too long.

I'm starting to wonder
if you're truly CEO material.

Oh, Mr. Pewterschmidt,
I assure you, I am.

Well, I'm tired of waiting.

I want you to steal
the Aunt Maude recipe

during the big
Christmas pageant.

Everyone in town
will be there,

and Peter will be
away from the pie shop.

It's the perfect chance
to steal that recipe,

put Aunt Maude's
out of business,

and bankrupt
that whole stupid town.

W-Whole town?

But... But you just
wanted the pie recipe.

I changed my mind.

You should too,
if you want to be CEO.

Now get that recipe!

Yes, Mr. Pewterschmidt,

Okay, talk tomorrow. Bye.

[grunts]

Oh, damn it.

All right, which button?

-Did I... Did I hang up?
-No, you're still on.

Let's see. [sighs]

Well, now the flashlight's on.

Okay, there we go. I hung up.

You... You're still
talking to me.

Oh. You know, you sound like
that guy in that movie about the taxi driver.

You mean Taxi Driver?

No, the one with Jimmy Fallon
and Queen Latifah.

You mean Taxi?

Yeah, that one.
God, I love that movie.

You know a movie is good

when both leads
kind of stop acting after.

Bonnie and Peter,
thank you so much for having me for dinner.

You have a lovely home.

You can spit anywhere,
by the way.

We're not uptight
about that kind of stuff.

[spits]

You missed your court date
and now I'm an Amber Alert.

The whole class knows.
I've been getting texts all morning.

Now we first need
to say grace.

Dear Lord,
thank you for all that you do,

but please stop
sending Grandma to us

in the form of hummingbirds
and sunsets.

We're glad she's dead
and don't want to see her.

-[wings flapping]
-You swing a bat like a girl.

Leave me alone!
Somebody give her a cigarette

so she goes away.

I'll see you at Easter.

-[pained wailing]
-[all chewing]

What the hell is that?

Oh, that's our meth son.

Meth son?

Yeah, we're real proud of him.

For recovering?

No, he's All-state meth,
First meth, Tri-State meth Regionals.

He's got a full ride
at Southern Meth.

Chris, come say hi
to the company!

How you doing, pal?

My nose fell off
and so did this thing.

-Is that your penis?
-Yeah.

I got to imagine
It'll grow back.

Anyway, keep training.

You got a big meth meet
coming up.

He's a good kid.

What about you, Lois?
How many kids you blasted out?

Oh, none.

Your uterus busted?

No, I'm just focused
on my career.

Oh, yeah, Bonnie and me do it
in the career a lot, too.

That's why we ain't got
no more kids.

Oh, sweetie.

Lois has a job and a fancy car
and big-city clothes.

I don't understand.

You could go
anywhere in the world.

Sarasota, Galveston, Branson.

Why here?

Oh, well, I just wanted to
take a break

from high-speed Internet.

[Brian barking]

Uhp, the dog smells food.

Damn it, Peter.
Don't let him in here.

I hate dogs!

And characters who hate pets

are always
the most sympathetic.

Come here, boy.
Give me a good country-dog shake.

Good boy.
Now go poop everywhere.

You're not coming with me?

Oh, not this time.
I got company.

Hey, Lois, I brought a pie
especially for you.

I made it for a wedding,

but then I found out
it was two grooms, so...

you know, no way...

Lois?

"Have sex with pie guy
and steal Aunt Maude recipe."

Why did she
skip that first part?

And what?

Peter, what...

What are you doing in my room?

Lois, what's going on?

Are you trying to
steal my pie recipe?

No.

[sighs] Yes.

Oh, Peter, I'm so sorry.

So this whole time,
our love was fake, like COVID?

-Um, what?
-Don't follow me.

I need to go someplace
and cough for a while.

Okay, I won't.

I thought I smelled a rat,

but I actually
can't smell anything.

I tell you, this has left
a real nothing taste in my mouth.

-I think you might have COVID.
-Liar!

[? soft music playing]

[Lois]
Peter, I can't lie to you.

I work for Big Pie
and was sent to steal your recipe.

I didn't know that I would
fall in love with you.

I'm so sorry.

-And send.
-[phone beeps]

"1G"?

How do you even
send a text in this town?

[knocking on door]

May I help you?

I'm here to send your text.

I need your phone.

I'll have it back to you
in two hours.

Oh, okay.

[stick thudding]

[grunting]

Damn it, roller bag.

I'm in no mood
for your nonsense.

Are you okay?

Oh, I've been better.

Wait, you're Andie MacDowell?

It's Mama Andie MacDowell
In this movie.

I used to get lead roles
in big movies,

but now just minor parts
in these Hallmark movies

because old people
remember me.

Of course, I am a big fan.

Unless you're not actually
doing the voice because you turned us down.

You look distraught.

Are you okay?

[sighs] Mama MacDowell,
I think I just made

the biggest mistake
of my life.

I've let my career ambitions
drive away

the most wonderful man
I've ever met.

But it's always been my dream
to be CEO of Big Pie.

It's hard to let that go.

I see the way
Peter makes you smile.

You and Peter have something
very special: true love.

That's more precious
than any job title, and it's worth fighting for.

Oh, Mama MacDowell,
you're right.

Peter is the most
wonderful man I've ever met.

I can't let him go.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I gotta go deploy
a butt torpedo

from the SS Brownfish.

Ah, must have turned us down.

I've got to win back Peter.

Hey, guys,
remember that cameraman

who was talking about
unionizing this production?

Where did he go?

Hey, miss, You need a lift?

No, I'm sorry,
this scene can't be cut.

[indistinct chatter]

Kind of weird
we're doing a Christmas pageant

in the shadow
of a Civil War memorial.

"Dedicated to the brave men
of Townsville

who lost their lives fighting
to preserve our traditions."

Traditions? W-What?
What are they saying there?

Have you seen Bonnie?

The whole town is here
to see us perform our big Christmas duet.

Bonnie called.

She's fallen ill
and can't perform.

-[crowd gasps]
-What are we gonna do?

That's the highlight
of Christmas.

It's where I met my wife.

That's right.
I'm married to a woman in the Hallmark universe.

We'll have to cancel
the Christmas concert.

The town will be devastated
until our Valentine's Day movie.

[Lois] I'll do it,

-Lois.
-[indistinct chatter]

No!
I never want to see you again.

Okay, Peter.
Fair enough.

[? somber instrumental
music playing]

Wait.

You don't have to see me
if we sing back-to-back.

Then our bums will touch
and I'll forget the words.

Well, that's a risk
we have to take to save Christmas.

? Oh, the weather outside
is frightful ?

[mumbling]

? Delightful... ?

Oh, Peter, you do love me.

Of course I do.

I have since the moment
I met you yesterday.

? And since we've
no place to go ?

[mumbling]

? Snow... ?

I was looking at your boobs
that time.

[both moaning]

[crowd cheering]

Lois, there's something
I've wanted to ask you

since the moment we met.

Peter, are... are you serious?

I never thought
I could love again

after my wife died.

[Stewie] She's here with me
right now.

Yes, she got new glasses,
but seriously,

that can't be why
you don't recognize her.

Oh, Peter!

[cell phone ringing]

Oh, crap, I gotta take this.

H-Hello?

Girl,

Carter's been fired
from Big Pie,

and guess who they want
to be CEO?

What? You mean me?

Are you serious?

A hundred thousand dollars
a year?

Well, that's a lot of money
for people who watch these movies.

[? sorrowful music playing]

I could never stand between
you and your dream of a six figure salary.

Five figures, post-tax.

in a shockingly expensive city
with high crime.

But I know
you'll be a big success

until you're punched
in the face

or shoved on a subway track.

What's your take
on our new slate of pies?

Market testing was favorable,

so let's fast track it
and launch a campaign

hitting digital, print,
and TV.

What do you guys think?

-Brilliant move, Lois.
-Home run!

Okay, next item.

New pie flavor roll-outs.
What do we got?

We got pecan, butterscotch,
cherry, meringue,

apple, rhubarb, pumpkin,
key lime...

[? sentimental music playing]

I miss you, Lois.

Oh, I miss you too, Peter.

Did you know
no two snowflakes are alike?

Yes, everyone knows that.

All right, fine.

Donna, Glenn,

I left my heart in Townsville.

Also, I thought the Mets would
be better, but they're just garbage.

[? upbeat music playing]

You go queen!

[screams, groans]

Argh!

Argh...

[groaning continues]

[door opens]

-Lois?
-[chair whirring]

[over electronic voice box]
Peter, these last few days,

I realized you may be
a simple, small-town mechanic

with a small-town job
and salary.

But, dot-dot-dot,

some things
are more important.

I've decided I'm willing
to walk away from glamor

and a high flying career
to spend the rest of my life

with my very special,
average guy I love named Peter.

Thank you for that.

Um...

It's just... small towns
are extremely ADA non-compliant...

being one issue.

It's just... It's just...
It's just a lot, is all I'm saying.

[? instrumental
"Jingle Bells" playing]

Hello, blue states.

Hallmark said
I could show you,

and just you,

a scene I was in
that was cut "for time."

I hope you enjoy it.

More that way!

L-Little more.

Boom shizzle!

Oh, that's dope as hell.

I think that looks lovely.

[announcer 2] Hallmark,
If we scare any heavy white women,

our whole business collapses.

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