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[crowd cheering]

Thank you.

Grazie, prego.

Merci beaucoup.

Katie, huh? They grow up so fast, don't they?

God bless her.

How you guys doing tonight?

[crowd cheering]

Welcome to my award-winning special.

It hasn't been done yet, but I got a good feeling about it.

And here we are at the Tropicana at the Comedy, the Laugh, what's it called?

Laugh Factory at the Tropicana.

Five years in a row, voted the best comedy club in Las Vegas.

[cheering]

By the staff and management of the Tropicana.

That's a true story.

I love when comedians say "true story" like you give a fuck.

How about something funny you made up?

Because your true stories, tell you the truth,

are putting me to sleep.

Why don't you bullshit like those other acts?

You never get somebody at the end of the show, "How was the show?"

Well, the first two people were really funny.

That guy, Dom Irrera, he wasn't really funny, but talk about integrity.

Oh my God, all he did was tell one unfunny truth after another.

I could hardly breathe with the honesty the man had.

I love it when people say, "May I be honest with you?"

No, please be as misleading and as deceitful as possible.

That's all I would ever expect from a lowlife scumbag like you.

I don't mean that in a bad way.

I don't mean that in a bad way.

You ever hear my cousin Johnny's Italian eraser phrases?

"Hey Dom, that guy is a lowlife, scummy, little fat rat weasel bastard."

"I don't mean that in a bad way."

"Don't get me wrong, with all due respect, your sister's a slut.

She's a big, fat, stretched out, skanky buton.

Even when she crosses her legs, they can't close completely because she's got air pockets.

But she's still your sister and I love her."

My sister's going to the wrong gynecologist and it hurts my heart.

There's one of these guys, he slips a little dirty phrase

in the middle of a regular professional medical evaluation.

"Gloria, I gave you erythromycin, the swelling should clear,

but if your snatch continues to itch,

if you have any trouble where we in the medical profession refer to as the poontang area,

give Big Daddy a call.

What are you doing, a balancing act? Just bring the drinks.

She's like, she's walking a beam over here.

Watching the Olympics?

[cheering]

Man. You see the woman's 200 yard dash?

That guy was fast.

She looked just like a man.

But a handsome man, I might add.

A good looking guy by any stretch of the imagination.

Hey, it is what it is, right?

Hey, I can't stand that.

I'm so glad when those cliches go out of vogue.

It is what it is. Well, how could it be anything but what it is

if that's what it is?

That's what it is, yeah.

"He threw me under the bus." Who the fuck throws somebody?

What kind of people have friends with that kind of Herculean strength

that they can pick somebody up and toss them under a moving vehicle?

Right, am I right?

True story.

Thank you, thank you for applauding.

Whatever, whatever. How old are you?

Look, it doesn't matter what you say, I'm older.

You're not gonna make me feel bad.

Look, it's a weird year for me. It's a very weird year.

Bowie died, Prince died,

and who'd have thought out of the three of us,

I would be the one still standing?

These are my people. These are the people that I rep.

I don't think I have long to live.

Okay, I'm glad you came to this show

because I'm not looking good, let's face it. I'm not looking good.

I figure if I stretch, if I eat right, maybe a month and a half.

My eyes are closing.

Look, I look at... My, my eyes are closing.

I was taking a picture with this model in Fort Myers, like it matters where it was,

and she said, "Now open your eyes this time."

I go, "I am. I'm trying."

They're closing. My eyes are closing.

I'm not even tired.

I think it's God's way of putting me out,

pulling me to rest, to sleep.

I went to an ophthalmologist.

I said, "Doc, my eyes are closing."

He goes, "I can see that."

Well, I can't see that.

Can you help me open them?

Son of a bitch.

Doctors are so cocky.

I have a friend who's a neurosurgeon.

People go, "You have a friend who's a neurosurgeon?"

Like, because I'm a comedian, I only hang out with jugglers and midgets and unicyclists.

Yeah, and he said something kind of interesting.

He goes, he said, "I could never do what you do."

I said, yeah, but the difference is

at least you can kid around a little.

I can't do a little neurosurgery.

I can't pop into the OR, "Hey, how's everybody doing today?"

"Hey, fuhgeddaboudit.

Guess who's having her head cracked open, Mrs. Rosenblatt?

Come on. Get with the party.

You ever get sick?

You want any of your friends to give you medical advice,

and they tell you that they're not a doctor,

like you didn't know your friend wasn't a doctor?

My friend Tony hands me a Nyquil.

"Dom, not for nothing, forget about it.

Nyquil's a good shit, but I'm not a doctor.

Tony, I had no idea you weren't a doctor.

I mean, I knew you couldn't get out of seventh grade because you couldn't read.

But I always thought you were one of the finest neurosurgeons in North America.

The medical community will be stunned

when they find out a man of your ilk

is not amongst them.

Here's the most boring thing about being in the medical profession,

and in life in general, people that talk about their fucking sinuses.

It is that nobody cares.

It's just, "How you doing?"

"How am I doing? I got the best wife in the world.

My kids are great.

I got a great job,

but my sinuses."

Slow down, I want to hear everything about them.

I want to know about your sinus cavity.

I want to know about your post-nasal drip.

When you get to your post-nasal drip,

can I quietly beat off in a dark corner?

Here's a general practitioner, right?

General practitioner, he has the meeting with you after the examination,

he goes, "Well, you got this bug, it's been going around."

Well, obviously it's been going around, or I wouldn't have gotten it.

Like, say if the bug was over there, and I was over here,

I wouldn't go over there.

I'd stay over here.

"Drink a lot of fluids and get plenty of rest."

Let me jot that down.

I'm glad that I drove two hours in traffic

to pay you 300 bucks for that.

I was going to do wind sprints and dehydrate myself.

Then I always ask the doctor, no matter what they give me,

I always ask him, "Can I drink with this?"

"Can I drink alcohol with this?"

He gives me an antibiotic, "Can I drink with this?"

He goes, "Well, we don't recommend it."

I go, "No shit, doc."

Like, what fucking quack doctor would recommend?

I'm going to give you these pills, but I highly recommend

you booze it up every night with them.

Have a good time, you don't look good, tell you the truth.

Drink a lot... Who doesn't know to drink water?

I love when they tell you to drink water in the heat.

Even the dumbest animals, the armadillo,

with that walnut-sized brain, slows up in a brutal Texas heat

to take a bite of a moist cactus.

I was in Phoenix, 116 degrees, dry heat.

Yeah, why is my ass so wet

if it's a dry heat.

They're coming on the news telling people to drink water.

See, I was wondering why I was so dizzy and dehydrated,

but fortunately, I watched the news.

And it was Fox News, so it must be true,

because they're fair and balanced.

Yeah, they said you should drink water

when you're thirsty, parched, you're about to drop dead.

I jotted that down.

I don't know who gave me that peanut butter sandwich tip,

but that was lame.

Seemed to stick to my palate.

Then they tell you to drink eight to 10 glasses a day.

You wouldn't have time for anything else.

Who has time to drink eight to 10 glasses of water?

Hey man, what are you doing? All right, I gotta go, I'm gonna drink the water.

"Wanna go to a movie?" No can do, drinking water.

Eight to 10 glasses a day. I don't have time to go to the toilet.

I'm sitting on the couch, I've got a bedpan in front of me.

I'm drinking, I'm squirting like the Fountain of David.

I'm so hydrated, my feet are starting to web.

I already drenched two Depends under my taut, tasty, equatorially taut taint.

Yes, I dare to say the word taint in ye old English.

Oh God, I'm killing.

It's a great crowd, and I appreciate the,

- I appreciate the, thank you. - [cheering]

Look at you, look at you, look at you.

I love these guys, they've got a, were you, what, let me ask you this.

That outfit you have on,

what lost to that?

What didn't you wear, because you went, "Nah, not tonight,

tonight, tonight this is my night."

I am, I'm not gay, but if I were to go to prison,

I would love to share a cell with you, you're beautiful.

You're a beautiful man. We could lie down on top of each other and just talk.

Not in a gay way.

Like Vikings, like only two Vikings can talk.

It's funny, I'll never forget the first time Bill Cosby raped me,

it was so weird to look back.

Hey, you gotta learn to breathe.

You gotta learn to relax and breathe.

What'd you say, I'm going too far?

All of a sudden, you're fucking judging the show?

Well, tell me when I'm right in boundary.

Is this your boyfriend?

Your son?

Wow.

Cool.

I heard about things like that, but I never saw it live.

He goes like this, "Thanks, Mom."

Fucking six, four, 250.

Is that your daughter?

My daughter...

You know what's amazing about you, I gotta say,

alcohol doesn't seem to affect you at all.

It's amazing.

[mumbling] My daughter...

Your mom, kid, huh?

He's like the grown-up now.

You know, I am shooting a TV show,

I don't know if you knew that.

- This is good. - My grandchild.

Your grandchild?

She's holding my first grandchild.

She's holding, are you pregnant?

You're pregnant, what kind of stupid question is that?

She's actually holding the kid under the table.

Well, good luck with it, and many more.

I wish your kid nothing but nackus, as the Italians say.

It's funny, I was thinking, I couldn't be gay if I wanted to now.

I couldn't get in gay shape. I couldn't do the ab work to be gay.

If I tried to come out of the closet, two big gay bucks would toss me back in.

"Get the fuck back in there, you old fart."

You had your chance.

I mean, one of the first jokes I ever wrote was about a guy,

they call guys turning gay.

He turned gay like he was the Wolfman or something.

I heard he turned gay, he's like... [groaning]

Hi, hello, how do you do? [giggles]

Straight and gay is an interesting phenomenon.

You never see two straight guys dancing with each other.

You see gay guys, straight women, you never see two straight guys,

"Hey, Al, excuse me, Big Al, would you care to boogie?"

Hey, come over here and wrap those construction worker meat hooks

around my big, hairy, mole-filled, muscle-bound back, Al,

and spin me, you son of a bitch.

Spin me like a top, spin me like the little, stinky whore that I am.

Toss me like a taco salad, dip me like a Dunkin' Donut."

Guys never tell each other they're beautiful.

Women will, "Nancy, you look so beautiful in that outfit."

You never get two straight guys,

"Hey, Frankie, step into the light.

Marone, you look hot tonight, Frank."

The way your eyes go with that hat and those shoes, it's kismet, I tell ya.

I don't even know what kismet is, but I bet you got it.

I told a friend of mine, I said, one of our friends was gay,

he came out, and he goes,

"He's gay? I just talked to him the other day."

What the fuck does that have to do with it?

I'm laughing at my own shit now, like I never heard, how sad is that?

How was Dom Irrera?

We thought he was funny, but he thought he was very funny.

He was laughing at his own shit. It was kind of sad, in a way.

It always kills me when people go, "Why don't you go out with women your own age?"

I go, because they're dead.

I'm not gonna go out with women my own age.

I have to go to an assisted living home.

Excuse me, did Gertrude go to bed yet?

I wanted to take old Gertie out for a brewski.

I gotta take this jacket off, can I take it off?

Wow.

Yeah, I gotta, it's really weird,

I gotta gain weight, you know, it's really hard.

I gotta gain like 35 pounds by November for a part in a movie.

I don't know what that movie is, I'm just hoping something comes up.

I always hated those questions.

Do I look fat to you?

No, not to me, but to everybody else.

To me, you're just big boned.

Love that big boned cover. I'm not really fat, I'm very big boned.

Isn't it amazing how you have those big fat bones in your ass?

That's a pretty big bone you got hanging over your belt there, Benny.

Know what you need, a marrow reduction.

So who here is from out of the country?

- [woman whoops] - Where at?

- [man] Ecuador. - Ecuador?

I love that accent.

You fucking cockroach.

Ecuador.

On the equator, huh?

How cool is that, you're on the equator?

- You've been to both sides of the equator? - Yep.

- Now do you know geography? - Yep.

It's amazing how stupid some Americans are.

I was with a friend of mine, Johnny Sanchez is his name, he's a very good comedian.

And I'm going to Australia,

and we're upstairs at the Laugh Factory in Hollywood,

and he goes, "How far is Sydney from LA?"

I said, "It's about 7,500 miles."

He goes, "Really, is that all?"

I said, "How far did you think it was?"

He goes, "I don't know, a couple hundred thousand miles."

I said, a couple hundred thousand miles?

The whole Earth is only 24,000 miles in circumference.

"Oh shit, is that all?"

How far did you think it was?

"I don't know, a couple hundred thousand miles."

You know what's a couple hundred thousand miles?

The fucking moon where you're from.

That's where, stupid son of a bitch.

So what, Las Vegas may get a football team,

Las Vegas may get, what do they get, a basketball team?

This is a tough time of year for me, because I love sports, but baseball,

baseball's a little slow for me.

Like, this is what I love about the NFL, 16 games.

Every game is important, right?

Baseball, you could lose 10 games.

Guys, we lost 10 in a row.

Now look, we only got 147 games left.

We gotta pull it together.

I'm always fascinated by great athletes, you know?

And I don't think, like, if your guy's 6'11", let's face it,

he's got such an advantage.

How many 6'11 guys did you see today?

But there's six foot guys in the NBA, six foot, six two,

and they're dunking, they're unbelievable.

Remember Muggsy Bogues?

Muggsy Bogues was five foot three and a half.

I loved it when they used to say a half, like that made a difference.

He's five three, no he's not, five three and a half.

Oh, that's why he can dunk, that extra half an inch.

And my cousin Louie, he's so thick, he's so stupid, he goes...

I said, this guy's five three and a half, plays the NBA.

He goes, "Is he fast?"

No, he's a slow, fat, lumbering five three and a half.

He's got a planter's wart on one foot and a hammer toe on the other.

Yes, he's fast, you idiot.

Boxing's crazy, isn't it?

I like the ultimate fighting,

but I like it, you know, my friend Joe Rogan

and that's one of the greatest announcers I've seen.

Don't you think he's great?

Rogan? I mean, it's a crazy sport.

But boxing itself,

the idea of like, just trying to kill a guy

and then they hug at the end.

Like, "Oh, I'll kill you, mother... I was so wrong about you, come here, hold me."

Somebody pulled down your trunks just to the top of the crack of your ass.

That don't make me gay, does it?

Guy puts another guy in a coma, you know what he goes?

"I never meant to hurt him."

Well, maybe you shouldn't have

punched him in the temple 400 times.

That would have helped alleviate that.

Maybe, not for nothing, with all due respect,

your sister's a... [speaks Italian]

My family, my family, like, I got a lot of material from them over the years.

My Uncle Tony was one of these guys, he was like the ignorant racist.

He was not only a racist,

but he didn't even know any of facts.

He says to me, he goes, when this came down, he goes,

"Hey, your boy Obama went down, huh?

Cheating on his wife, fucking pig.

His golf game's gone to shit."

That was Tiger Woods, you idiot.

"Ah, it's the same thing."

"My ass."

Everything was his ass, I never got that. My ass.

We had a basketball player in Philadelphia named Julius Erving,

I don't know if you remember him.

- [applause] - You know Julius Erving?

Julius Erving was Philadelphia royalty, right?

Only my uncle hated him.

I don't know what he could hate about Julius Erving.

He goes, "Fucking Julius Erving,

the Doctor, what the fuck did he ever cure?

You know what he's a doctor of?

My ass."

Really, he's a proctologist?

I had no idea the man was so well-versed.

I do travel a lot, I was in Australia, I was in Ireland,

and I was in Montreal in the last two months.

Yeah, it's cool.

The Australians, they're the happiest fucking people in the world.

Because they can't get invaded.

You can't surprise invade Australia.

Because you'd have to stop to refuel.

It's so fucking far.

We're coming after you, but first,

we gotta get some gas.

Ireland I love, Ireland.

I go to Kilkenny, Ireland 20 years in a row.

You know people go, like the press always asks me, "Do they get you in Ireland?"

No, that's why I go back every year. Because they don't get me.

And it's so nice to finally hear my act without any applause or laughs.

Just an angry Irish murmuring.

"Ah, cha-cha, for fuck's sake."

And you know you think you can drink as Americans,

it's a different league. I'm telling you, it's a different fucking league.

It's never enough, my friend Barry Murphy, I see him once a year.

"Have one more, lad, come on."

I don't want one more, Barry, I'm drunk, I'm fucking happy.

"One more, for fuck's sake, I see you once a year." I don't want one more.

Then he tries to trick me, he goes, "All right, how about a nightcap?"

Oh, a nightcap's completely different than one more.

It's only a little drink with a cap on it, for the love of God.

Of course I'll have that.

I love these ice cold beer commercials.

Like, who can't make beer cold?

What the fuck is it? "Hey, Charlie, wanna go to this new bar?"

Why, what's up with it?

"They got ice cold beer, I'm not bullshitting you."

Ice cold beer, how do they do it, Charlie?

"These guys have trade secrets, I don't know."

"I mean, I'm thinking maybe they refrigerate it, or maybe they put it on ice."

Yeah, but how do you know if it's really cold?

Well, I'm glad you asked me that, because there's a mountain cap on it

that's silver, and the bluer it gets, the colder it gets.

It's completely blue, then you know it's cold.

Or you could touch it.

By touching it, you know, ooh, that's cold.

Brr, brr.

Ireland is the only place I've ever been called a pussy

for going to bed at five o'clock in the morning.

Where are you going, Dom, you little guinea pussy, five o'clock?

The sun's not even completely up, you little half-a-fag Nancy boy.

With your red wine for your pussy heart.

I put a clamp on my aorta before I go out drinking.

Slows the blood flow, gives me a better buzz."

The Irish don't drink because they're alcoholics, they drink because the food is so bad.

They need some nourishment from the Guinness.

It's the worst diet in the world.

Would you like more fat with your fatty fat, fatso?

What about a side of fat with that main course tub of lard,

and a greasy gristle deep fried lamb suppository

to squash your dirty, filthy, evil cakes down on,

oh, you're waiting for more potatoes?

They have potatoes in everything.

That's a beautiful hat you're buying.

Would you like a potato with that hat?

What a wonderful gown, lass.

You know what would go nice with that? A potato.

I was in an Italian restaurant in Kilkenny, Ireland.

True story.

Can I get the clam spaghetti?

"You like a potato with that?"

That's a good idea.

I don't think the starch is enough.

Why don't you give me an insulin injection to the forehead?

"Would you like some potato juice in the injection?"

The women are beautiful, but there's no average looking Irish women.

They're either radiantly beautiful with those steel blue eyes and that jet black hair,

or they are sea skanks.

They look like their jaw and their forehead are gonna merge together.

"I'll cut you with my chin, you evil dago bastard.

It's not a mole on my razor sharp bony chin, neh.

It's a potato with a sour cream discharge and chives.

Lick it if you love me, you little Nancy boy potato head."

It's a great accent.

Even the hookers don't sound piggy because the accent's so beautiful,

so lilting, so mellifluous.

"Excuse me, would you like a nice mouthwatering blow job?"

"Would you like to be kissing my potato, my big stinky spud of love?"

You know what's weird about the hooker thing?

I used to open for Cher here at the Mirage, right?

And at the Mirage, when the Mirage was brand new,

we knew who the hookers were and who the regular girls were.

Now, because of the way young girls dress today, so provocatively,

you can't tell sometimes.

You know what I mean? And you can't broach the subject. It's a very awkward thing.

I was on a plane from Burbank to here,

and this girl was really hot, sitting like a seat away from me,

and I couldn't say to her, "Excuse me, I don't mean to be rude,

but are you a real whore?"

"Or do you just dress like a whore?"

I feel bad for the real whores. What are they supposed to wear?

Look at her with that nurse's outfit on over there.

Who does she think she is?

Putain.

But the greatest thing about getting older is

I see young girls, and you look so beautiful to me,

because as you get older, you naturally lower the bar

in the sense that a lot of you girls, all due respect,

are average or less than average.

Even a little skanky, a little stinky.

But with that said, you look good to me, because I'm not as hot as I was.

Quite frankly, 15 years ago, I wouldn't crook my neck at some of you wildebeest bitches.

And I don't mean that in a bad way.

As you get older, your taste changes.

I don't even care about a woman's face anymore. All I care about is the body.

She could have the head of a goat.

She's got a nice body.

"You see the ass on that goat-headed woman?

Forget about it."

"Tell you what, she files those horns and trims that goatee,

not a bad-looking girl.

And women can fake a lot more than men.

Women can fake this, fake that.

Men can't fake a hard on.

You can't lie about, there's no way of bullshitting your way out.

You're either hard or you're not.

"Baby, I love you."

I love you, too, with all my heart and soul.

"But I don't turn you on?" You totally turn me on.

"But you're not hard."

What are you gonna say? Defiantly, "Yes, I am."?

"No, you're not. I'm staring right down the pipes, baby. You're not hard."

No, I'm hard. You're just have to look from the right angle. Go over there.

Take a gander at that rock tube of love.

How come strippers never have regular names?

Always Amber and Tiffany and Jade.

Never hear, "Come on, guys. Give it up for Mildred, eh?"

What about Ethel?

What about Hortense?

What about Dr. Sal Rosengarten's wife

shaking her fat, flat, white, acne-filled ass?

Cut the music, or she slides out of pose.

Gonna hear a zits pop. Give it up.

Oh, sorry for being gross.

And Katie and I were talking about creepiness and certain things.

Like, you know, how like, you know, when women like to call you daddy.

Give it to me, daddy.

You know, it's like kind of perverted, but sexy.

Really, you know what's really perverse is "father."

I never want to hear a girl go,

"Give it to me hard and fast, father."

Thank you, father.

Thank you so much, papa, padre.

You know, that's the thing about stand-up comedy.

We're not out to hurt anybody.

We're trying to make people laugh.

And I like to bust on every race, creed, whatever creeds are, I like to bust on them.

I don't care. I don't care who you are. I love you.

I don't care if you're a Buddhist, a Hindu, a Muslim, German, Jewish, Hebrew.

You're all wrong anyway.

You're wrong about God. You're wrong about Jesus.

Jesus doesn't love you. Let's face it.

Jesus is crazy about me.

A Catholic priest once told me that

when he was buttoning up my little pants.

Oh, where did I lose you?

I was in that Seinfeld episode that the girl was heckling Jerry.

Remember that one?

Remember that one when she hissed?

That was Ronnie K--

[women] Yes, we know what episode you're...

It's so good to have one fan.

Anybody can have a room full of fans,

but I got that one girl over there.

I was in that.

It's so funny because people forget that we're all friends.

We're all friends. We're all proud of you.

It's not like this bitter thing.

It's so hard to do stand-up

and do it consistently like Chris Rock and Jerry

and those guys for you.

I'm fucking happy for them. I love those guys.

Somebody said to me, when the Seinfeld series went down, he goes,

"Seinfeld, you like him?"

I go, yeah, I love him.

He goes, "What's he gonna do now?"

First of all, he's gonna try and spend a billion dollars.

What are you gonna do now? Heat up your Hungry Man macaroni and cheese

and watchThe Jetsons, you fucking loser?

Somebody said to me, I was in Montreal last week.

That guy says to me, he goes, "Hey man, I recognize you.

You're one of my favorite comedians. Dom Irrera, right?"

I go, yeah. He goes, he says, "Yeah, man, yeah."

I was in the top 100 comedians. I was number 79.

I was beaten out by Cedric the Entertainer

and I would always kid Cedric about it.

I go, how can I compete with you? You're a fucking entertainer.

I'm just a comedian. You entertain,

you have people over, you have a nice spread, you have it catered.

But the guy says, he goes, "Man, you were 79. You got fucked."

I said, I don't get fucked. It's a stupid contest.

He goes, "No, you should have been like, I don't know, 34."

Why he picked 34, I have no idea.

I'm thinking, couldn't I have been 30 if it's a fantasy of yours?

I need some water here in the hot desert sun.

Go to the pool.

I love these people who go to the fucking pool.

I stay five minutes, I run like a little fag.

Ow, it's hot.

That's one word I miss, faggot.

Faggot was the, like, it has a fun... I can see not saying the other words,

but faggot has a little too much of a, "Hey, faggot."

It's got a little zip to it.

Hey, you little fucking faggot.

Faggot, fag, fag.

Paper fag.

I'm doing a little part and Jim Carrey has a new show on Showtime.

It's gonna, I don't know when it's coming out, but I did this lounge comedian

and the owner of the club asked me to do it,

but it's so much fun, but it's so goofy. He's one of these guys.

Is this thing on? Hello, is the sound system working here?

What do you call a dog with no legs?

Nothing, no matter what you call him, he ain't coming.

Ooh, ah, ooh, ooh.

Hear about the Polish carpool? They meet at work.

Ladies and gentlemen, is the sound system working here?

What do you call a Mexican hitchhiking? Stranded.

Come on, folks, give a little.

Black man and a Puerto Rican are in a car. Who's driving?

The police, ladies and gentlemen.

Ooh, ah, ooh.

I heard a great joke this week.

I had a great joke this week about a guy goes to a, guy goes to a urologist

to get the prostate exam and the urologist says,

I just want to tell you, it's not abnormal

for a man to get an erection during this exam.

And the guy says, "I don't have an erection."

The doctor goes, "Yeah, but I do."

Who wishes they could write jokes like that?

Dom Irrera does.

One of my favorite things to do is voiceovers.

I love voiceovers. I was Ernie in Hey Arnold.

Remember Hey Arnold?

That was a great cartoon.

I played this part of Duke the Dog in this thing called Barnyard, all right?

We're reading-- You know Barnyard?

Your kids watch it?

Yeah, Duke.

So we're reading the script and I, you know, at one point it goes,

"Now real dog barks."

And I said to the director, I said, "Steve, not for nothing, but I got a great bark."

He goes, "Let me hear it."

I go... [barks]

He goes, "There's one dog out of work."

They fired the pooch because of me.

I know, it's a sad story, but true.

That's what separates us from the apes. I always love when people say that,

like we don't know a lot of things that separate us from the apes.

You know, it's like no matter how angry you get at one of your friends,

you would never shit in your hand and wing it at them.

Because you're not an ape.

You might shit in your hand

but you would drop it and immediately using Purell,

which they don't happen to carry on the jungle floor.

There's no Purell down here.

It's fun. It's fun to make people laugh.

Laughing is the best medicine, other than actual medicine.

Medicine's the best medicine.

That's why they call it medicine.

What are you, a fucking retard?

What are you, a retardo over here?

See, you can't say retard anymore.

and I don't mean it to be sensitive, insensitive rather,

I don't mean it to be sensitive.

Cut that.

It's like, what are you supposed to say? You go to the long way?

He's a really slow kid who seems happy who dribbles a lot.

"He's retarded?"

Don't say that.

Everything's politically correct.

Like flight attendants.

You can't say stewardess.

I don't know why it offends the stewardess.

And you know what happened there?

When I was a kid, there were no unions.

So the girls were all fucking hot.

But as the unions came in, the girls got, you know.

[barks]

Now the girl can have like a drink tray strapped to her hump.

She's shuffling down the aisle.

"Rum and Coke, I presume?"

"I am not an animal. I'm a flight attendant."

"I'm attending to your needs."

Anybody here ever worked for tips?

I was the worst waiter in the history of New York.

I used to work at Smith & Wollensky's in 49th and 3rd.

Have you ever heard of that?

I had a bad attitude. I was one of these waiters.

Oh shit, customers. That's all I need now.

Like my night isn't bad enough.

You gotta break my balls. What are you gonna want, coffee?

Tell me now, because I ain't dancing back and forth for you and your dollar.

Oh boy, a dollar?

Yippee-yi-oh-ki-yay, a buckaroo is on its way.

You're gonna give me a whole dollop of the dollar?

Always get like those chipmunk families. "You ready to order?"

"Me? Oh, I'll have a..."

What do you want, like a nut? A walnut?

I'll tear some bark off a tree, you bucky beaver bastard.

"I want a fish, but not a fishy fish."

"You have fish that isn't real fishy?"

"I want something with all the cardiovascular benefits of fish that tastes like fudge.

Can you help me out?"

I was at a diner in Queens with a friend of mine and he orders flounder.

You don't order flounder at a diner.

You order a cheeseburger, a BLT, something easy.

He's picking at the fish.

He's going, "I don't think this fish is fresh."

I said, not for nothing.

I don't think that fish was ever officially fished.

I think they found it on the side of the road.

That's why they can afford to sell it here.

Bon appetit.

I always feel bad for the fresh pepper guy.

That's a tough gig, fresh pepper.

You know he's an alien. He's hiding in a fresh pepper bullpen.

Worried about an immigration raid.

They dropped the salads. He tentatively tiptoes out.

"Fresh pepper, fresh pepper."

No thanks.

"Oh, I gotta go back there."

Why do they hire people for room service?

Why do they hire people for room service who can't speak English?

I don't understand that. Why would you?

That's the only thing they have to do is speak English.

Give them another job. They're hardworking people.

God bless them.

I go, "Room service. Can I get some lunch, please?"

The guy goes, "Orange juice?"

Did I say lunch? I must've meant orange juice.

You're reading my mind.

Why would I want a delicious, full-balanced midday meal

when I could have a nice glass of acid on an empty stomach

to burn a hole in my esophagus and give me agita for the rest of my life?

I call up the-- Ah, Take your mom out of here.

I never said that in my life as a stand-up comedian.

Hey kid, get your mother out of here.

Anybody here use Uber?

Now, Uber is the gateway to alcoholism.

Now you can drink as much as you want.

Yeah, my wife and I, we used to have one drink maybe a night because we had to drive.

Now with Uber, we get fucked up all day.

We go on binges.

I lose her for a week.

But it was only $7 and you don't have to tip.

Anybody here work for Uber?

What a loser job that is.

You couldn't make it as a cab driver.

Is that mean?

[woman] No.

Thank you.

I always love that thing about the drinks.

It's like, first of all, I always tell my female friends, be careful.

Be careful. Don't fucking put your drink in a bar.

I have a friend of mine, unless you're with somebody who obviously loves you.

Friend of mine, she puts her martini down, she puts a napkin over it,

like that's gonna deter some wacko.

Man, I was gonna dose that chick's drink, but how am I ever gonna get by that napkin?

Ooh.

My cousin Johnny, we're talking about it.

And he says, you know, you gotta be careful with date rape.

I said, John, you don't have to worry about it.

Nobody's gonna roofie you.

You could pass your drink around the room

and it'd probably come back fortified with vitamins and minerals

because they feel so bad for you.

Now, drink up.

I call up room service.

The guy goes, "You want a delivery?"

I said, well, isn't that what room service is, a delivery?

No, you know what I want you to do?

I want you to hide the tray in the hotel somewhere

so I can feel like I'm a hunter-gatherer.

The greatest job has to be a waiter at a buffet.

What kind of gig is that?

How you doing, folks? Welcome to the buffet.

Help yourself, everything's over there.

Tonight, the buffet will be served buffet-style.

I love those guys who try and get ridiculous substitutions.

They know it's not gonna happen, they give it a shot.

Hey, brother, home slice, check it out.

Instead of them celery sticks, can I get me a beer Parmigiano?

Why don't you chop that parsley and slip me a shank steak, home-skillet?

You know, I never crave anything that's healthy.

I never wake up in the middle of the night, go, "Babe, we got any roughage?"

Where's my kale?

Somebody ate my kale.

I don't understand people who forget to eat.

That's my girlfriend, "I forgot to eat."

How can you forget to eat? I never stop thinking about eating.

Even when I'm eating, I'm thinking about eating.

Oh, I'm having a sandwich now, it's about 2:30,

probably have a snack at about 2:32.

I don't want to fill up and be having dinner at 2.38.

My girlfriend, "About 10 of my friends and I,

we split a Tic Tac in the middle of the night."

I'm a little light-headed.

What the fuck, of course you're light-headed.

You gotta eat, I hate sharing, I don't mind buying.

I said, I'm getting a sandwich, you want one?

She goes, "No thanks, I'll have a bite of yours."

That wasn't the offer.

"I don't want a whole sandwich."

Don't have a whole sandwich, have a bite of yours,

leave mine the fuck alone.

Son of a bitch.

That's what I'm saying about comedy.

I hope that you enjoy the mix of clean and dirty,

because it's just about being funny.

I touched on child molestation.

You know I think it's a horrible, hideous thing.

But the way I turned it, made it a joke, was "what about me?"

What about kids like me who wanted to be molested and nobody would touch?

Remember my grandmother would give me a bath, I'd say,

Grandma, just tickle my balls with that feather touch.

Just cup them, and guess their weight.

Each little nozzle on my little pink doggy dingleberry.

Let me see your tits, I'll give you a dollar.

Two dollars, will you let me tea bag you?

I love you, man.

We lost my grandmother.

She didn't die, we lost her.

She shrunk to the point we can't even find her.

We know she's still in the house.

She's just not visible to the naked eye.

All we hear out of the rug is... [speaking Italian]

When my grandmother died, I love when they say this bullshit.

They go, you know what's beautiful now?

She's up there with Grandpa.

I'm thinking, that's the last thing he fucking wanted.

She nagged him to death, that son of a bitch.

And the old "better place" theory.

You know, she died, but she's in a better place.

How do you know it's a better place?

You know what a better place for sure is?

Maui. Maui's a better place.

My ass is a better place.

You've been to Hawaii?

Ain't that beautiful?

Hawaii, it's so incredible, isn't it?

No matter what happens to you in Hawaii, people don't even listen to you.

They're so intrigued by the beauty and majesty of those islands.

Hey man, how you doing?

Just got back from Hawaii, broke my leg in four places surfboarding.

My wife got bit in the ass by a shark.

We lost our little puppy in a volcano.

Should've seen him waving his little, unknowing, innocent paws

as he spiraled into the abyss.

"Wow, you were in Hawaii?"

I like different characters.

I love the idea of being able to bust balls on everybody.

It's like, when I grew up in Philly, everybody was always fighting.

Every nationality, every race.

Black guys would tell you straight out, I'm gonna mess you up, man.

I'm gonna mess your ass, I'm gonna hit you so hard

when you wake up, your clothes gonna be out of style. I'm gonna mess you up.

The higher they talk, the harder they're gonna hit you.

I'm gonna mess you up.

I'm gonna mess your ass, you chicken wing motherfucker.

The Italian guys would give you options.

Hey, how would you like it? I'd take your head, all right?

I'd pull your eyes so far out of your eye socket,

you can actually watch your own vicious beating.

So in theory, you could be your own witness.

The Jewish guys would prolong the dialogue.

When you're talking about a fight, you're talking about a physical confrontation

or a verbal assault, or just devastated psychologically. Oy vey.

Spanish guys, right to the point.

I cut you, you cockroach Ecuadorian.

Nobody wanted to fight more than the Irish kids.

The Irish kids would fight at the drop of a hat.

They were incredulous. "You wanna fight me, man?"

I tell you what, you better fucking kill me, man, because I'm mental and I never forget.

You better crush my body the size of a pea,

because if this one finger lives, I'll haunt you with it.

I'll jump up and down in front of your window at night when you're having dinner.

I'll climb up your steps like a Slinky and gouge your eye out,

put a plunger on my knuckle and hop up your brick wall.

Even if the minutest sliver of the fingernail lives,

I'm waiting on your bathroom floor to infect your foot,

because I'm a mental retard.

Not for nothing.

Why, I almost got an applause on that.

That's, no, no, no, but the funniest thing.

Let me tell you, the funniest part of that is when people decide to applaud

and then they go, nah.

And they're going, "Uh... nah."

I don't think so, not this time.

Maybe something better, something a little stronger.

You never hear a father bragging about his daughter's sexual prowess.

They always brag about their sons, and so often,

"My son is a buck, he's a stud.

Freshman year in college, my hand to God,

he banged everybody in his class.

No protection, I was crying, I was so happy."

"He banged three of his teachers.

One of them was a raging bull dyke."

I said, what's a raging bull dyke compared to like a regular one?

He goes, I don't know, they run around more.

I said, you would never say this about your daughter.

Hey, that's my little girl.

No way, you never hear a father going, "Hear that up there?"

That's my daughter taking on 10 guys.

Listen to my baby girl screaming in the night like a wild banshee.

So proud of her.

One other thing I gotta say, she always loved cocks.

She was a little kid.

She always had men lined up around the block,

guys tag-teaming her from behind,

high -fiving over her jizz-filled back,

dropping loads in her ear so she couldn't hear what they were saying.

What can I tell you, huh? She's just like her mother.

Just like her mother and her grandmother, too.

God rest her stretched-out, great cobweb trod of love.

How long you been married?

- Five years. - Five years?

You young kids getting married so young.

You know why you're here tonight?

Yeah.

Because of her? No, you're here because you need to laugh,

and you can't make each other laugh at home anymore.

So I'm glad I could be the ticket.

So if you're getting laid later, I want you to throw me a little shout-out.

Dom Irrera says hello.

I grew up with those Italian guys, they're always bragging about their sexual prowess.

Hey, Dom, not for nothing, I gave that girl such a shot, bada boom, bada bing.

Her sister in the next room came a little, that's a true story.

I banged her so hard, her head was bleeding.

What'd you do, hit her with an ashtray?

"Yeah, she told you that?"

You never get women bragging like that.

Joyce, I made him shoot so far.

Remember that big high hedge in the back we haven't clipped for years?

Anyhoo, I was whacking his little pecker like there's no tomorrow.

I was beating that dick to death, see?

And I stepped away like a matador in slow motion,

and I promised myself I wasn't gonna cry,

but he shot the most beautiful, perfect arc of jizz

that hit the neighbor's rottweiler on the side of head,

that dog had a cum crater singed in his fur.

And the beauty of it, we have it on home video.

It lasts forever.

I'll never, I'll never ever pack a bag again.

I hate those fucking questions.

I go to check my bag.

Has a stranger packed your bags?

You know, it's funny you should ask.

I was at home the other night, right?

Not one, but two strangers come over to my house.

They say, we understand you're going on a little trip.

Any chance we could pack your bag?

Well, you certainly seem like nice enough strangers.

I don't see why not. Take them upstairs.

You decide what I need, Abdul, Jihad, Hamas, my misunderstood brothers from the Jihad,

Taliban, Hezbollah, and whatnot.

Have your bags been under your control?

No, I can't control that one.

That son of a bitch bit me on the way up the step.

Bag's out of control.

I'm checking them.

Did anyone give you anything unusual to take on a plane?

Oh, I wish you hadn't said that. Unusual?

You mean like this plastic miscellaneous wedged between my cheeks?

Did anyone give you a present?

Who the fuck's gonna give you a present?

"Hey, pal."

Yeah, what is it?

"Happy birthday to you."

"Happy birthday, dear guy I never met before."

This woman says to me in Paris,

do you have anything in your body that may be misconstrued as a weapon?

I said, "I certainly hope so. And who's your daddy?"

Who's your daddy, motherfucker?

Mm-hmm.

You know who you is and who you ain't.

Black comedians are the best comedians in the world right now

because their cadence is so fucking good, they don't even need punchlines.

I was at the bus stop the other day.

Bus didn't come.

Why they gonna call it a bus stop

when a motherfucking bus ain't even stopping?

What's up with that?

You can do it with anything.

I was at the restaurant the other day.

I said to the waitress, bitch, ho, motherfucker, bring me a cup of coffee.

That motherfucking bitch, motherfucking whore, whore,

bitch, motherfucker, Donald Duck,

Frier Tuck, get a buck, tummy tuck, lot of luck.

I lost my place. Oh yeah, bitch, motherfucker, whore.

She bring me a cup of coffee with seven sugar.

Seven sugar, seven sugar, seven sugar.

What you trying to give me?

Diabetes?

I'm gonna call the police on that bitch's ass.

Talk about great comedians.

Like, Def Comedy Jam was a breakthrough because it made me laugh so much

because I especially liked the juxtaposition when the guys were so gross and vile.

They were all good comedians.

So, and then they would say "God bless you" at the end.

You know what I mean? "That pussy was so stinky, it was stanky."

"Stinky, stanky, musty, crusty, yeast-filled pussy."

"Hey, God bless y'all. Peace out."

"Wrote that for my grandmother.

The stankiest pussy in the West."

I took my girlfriend to Copenhagen.

I don't know how that could have been a segue.

I said, we're in Copenhagen.

She says, I don't think these Danish women are that pretty.

What do you say to that?

What, these six foot tall, natural,

busty blondes with the piercing blue eyes?

Blech. [spits]

No, honey, I love you, my little circus chimp.

Come here.

Walk me to the tent, Bippo,

and don't let your velvet pants get caught in the rug.

They have real pornography in Denmark.

Hardcore porn on regular television.

And the one phrase you'd never wanna hear your girlfriend say when you're watching real porn,

the one phrase you hope never, ever leaves her lips is,

"Now that's a cock. You see the difference?

I don't believe in domestic violence,

but I punched my girl as hard as I could in the face one night.

Don't get me wrong, I wasn't angry. She was asleep.

I was reading a book about boxing.

I wanted to see if he could knock somebody out if they were already asleep.

Don't shake your head. You know I'm fucking kidding.

She was awake.

Plus, she was French-Canadian. Well, she still is French-Canadian,

but I'm not with her anymore.

I was trying to learn French out of respect to her culture.

It's such a difficult language.

They drop all the letters at the end.

Her name is spelled P-E-R-R-E-A-U-L-T-E-A-U-X.

It's actually pronounced...

Pfft.

True story.

I always loved these guys. You always love these guys, man.

Hey, you know what the hottest thing is?

Two chicks together.

No, two hot chicks together.

You don't want to see Bertha and Tugboat Annie wrestling down by the dock.

You never hear women wanting to see two men together.

Allison, would I love to see Gus blow Big Vic?

Maybe I'm just a hopeless romantic.

Wouldn't it be nice if little Gus just staggered to his knees,

start whomping and chomping on Vic's chub?

It's the lipstick lesbians.

That's what we like.

I mean, you know those articles about the two co-eds

lounging around a dorm in high heels, lingerie, studying?

That's how most girls in college study. Allison, you want to study?

Gee, I don't know, Bridget, let me put some stripper pumps on

and some crotchless edible underwear.

Maybe it'll get me in the mood to read some anthropology.

And guess what? They get so bored,

they start sexually experimenting with each other.

I can't imagine, I can't fathom getting that bored with one of my friends.

I gotta tell you, George, this game sucks.

68- nothing at halftime.

I'm bored, but I got an idea.

I don't think you're gonna like it.

They call me the anal intruder, Georgie.

Guys, thanks a lot, I appreciate it.

You're a great crowd.

Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you, my friend.

Good night.

God bless you. Thanks.

[cheering]

Thank you.

Appreciate it.

You don't have to do that.

Good luck on the tables, thanks.

Thank you.

Thank you. Oh, thank you.

Standing ovation for me with that act?

Oy vey.

Hey, it was a real standing ovation.

At least it wasn't, you know, with stagehands going, "Get up."

I did my best. What else can you do?

I hope it works. God bless.

Give me a call.

[cheering continues]

We already taped a show tonight.

We already taped one show tonight.

So you know what I'm saying? We got one in the can.

So whatever you guys do, we don't give a fuck.

I travel all over the world bringing joy and laughter to people.

Yeah. What's this guy...

You can't heckle me. It's a TV show.

We're going to have fucking 20 minutes of you going, "Yeah."

Please.

Who are you?

Do you know that we're taping this?

Can you tell it's kind of

different than another night?

I don't usually travel with six cameras.

Please, for the love of God.

Just, if you want to heckle, just heckle like all at once at the end.

After I leave, just stand there like a fucking Tourette's syndrome.

[mumbling]

That's a great disease. You're going to have a disease, Tourette's is a fun one.

Because you can say whatever you want and then, you know, Tourette's.

Hey, you cock-suckin' fuckin' motherfuckin'...

What'd you say?

It's Tourette's.

I knew a guy who had the opposite of Tourette's.

In the middle of a curse, he would break into a compliment.

You motherfuckin' son of a... Nice shoes!

Damn it.

I never meant to say anything nice.

Son of a bitch.

I was just there last week.

I did the gala for PK.

You know. See how nice people can be?

They just talk when they're spoken to like a normal fuckin' human being.

I'm sweating.

Harry Basil, folks.

I'm his towel boy.

Harry's a great act, too. You gotta see him.

Hey, Harry. Is there anybody that can go beat the fuck out of that guy?

I mean, hug him.

Can anybody go hug him for me?

Yeah. All right.

Thank you.

Dom Irrera!

[cheering]

A lot of people don't like you putting on a lot of weight.

I think it brings out your eyes. It really does. It's a good color for you.

This is what I was talking about, how I actually look like you when you were 40.

Isn't that weird?

I mean, me at 50, I look like you at 40.

You know what's comforting about it is now I know I can die of natural causes.

Nobody will be surprised.

What happened to Don Irrera?

He died. From what? Nothing.

So I gotta go on?

Yeah, she's gonna bring you up right now.

Oh, God.

This is great that you did this.

Yeah, look at her.

Break a leg, my friend.

Don't tell me what to do.

I love you too.

Where's my water? I need to hydrate.

You think you want me to kill?

She's gonna bring you up.

- Mildly crush. - Kill. Just go on.

Seriously. Can I ask you another question?

Is this funny? Ah, it's too late for that. Never mind.

[Kate] Dom Irrera, give it up.

Oh, God help us.