Original subtitles

I am Satan, king of all that is evil.

In the name of God almighty, I cast ye back to hell!

I command thy putrid spirit be banished from this child's soul.

Never! The girl is mine! Mine, mine, mine, mine, mine, mine.

- Don't you stick your tongue out at me! - Aw, I'll do what I damn well please.

- Stop your cursing! - Make me, slime ball.

I am a priest!

Oh, pardon me, your reverend and holy slime ball.

- How about these, pops? - I command you, close your blouse!

Watch this, bud.

Put down that crucifix!

Ohh, I love it!

Stop it! I command you: Be gone, Satan!

Be gone, demon!

No!

Mother! Mother!

Mother!

Father, is it all over?

Is Nancy all right?

Bless you.

Father, how can I possibly thank you?

- Mayii? - Aah!

Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!

Aah! Ha, ah, ha!

Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Ew! Ooh!

Ooh, ooh! Aah!

Aah!

Ooh.

I'll be back!

Ooh!

Oh, shit.

Ooh.

- Ah, Adams? - Here.

- Blaine? - Yes, Father.

- Grigsby? - Here, Father.

Good day to you. I am Father Mayii.

And I would like to welcome you to the seminar.

I am here to discuss an incident in my life that first destroyed,

and then renewed my belief in divine intervention.

17 years ago,

a young girl was a victim of an episode of demonic possession,

and I was called in to rescue her soul.

Now, that battle left me broken physically, and mentally.

But recently, my faith has been renewed.

And I believe that even the most cynical among you here

will find this story

inspiring.

Young lady, would you pull down your dress?

Sure.

Up!

Ooh.

I had long since lost track of the child Nancy.

She had grown to womanhood and got married,

and had settled down with her husband and 2 lovely children,

in a picturesque neighborhood with playful children and picket fences,

and lots of Caucasians.

So, for the fifth time, this charity match

between the Pro Hockey All-Stars, and Peggy Hamill's Pals On Ice has turned ugly, Dan.

Yeah, and it was Rusty The Rooster who started it all with his-

...for another episode of "Bride's Head Revisited".

At last.

My dear, sweet, loving bride!

Oh, my darling!

Okay, kids, dinner's almost ready!

Turn off the TV!

What are we having?

Oh, your favorite... Prime ribs, sweet potatoes, green beans

and split pea soup.

- Not again! - Oh, mom!

I hate split pea soup!

You know we hate it.

Mom, we hate it!

I said they were lovely children.

At this point, they had not taken acting lessons.

Really, mom, I want to change my name.

All my girlfriends think it's dorky.

Oh, honey, but Frieda is such a nice name.

Not my first name. My last name: Aglet.

Come on! What's it mean, anyway?

Well, Frieda, in the old days,

Aglet meant he who puts those tiny plastic things on the end of shoelaces.

See, back then, a man's name was the same as his occupation.

Oh, like a man named Fred Carpenter would build houses?

- Mm-hmm. - Or a Thomas Baker made bread?

- Exactly. - So, what did John Hancock do?

Well, there were some exceptions.

Here's Ernest and Fanny Rae Weller.

Hey, bless you!

God bless you!

Welcome to Ernest and Fanny's Miracle Hour.

I am Ernest.

And I'm Fanny.

Oh, and you all know little Fufu.

Hi, Fufu!

Oh, Fufu says, "God bless you, everyone."

Ha, ha, ha, ha.

We have a terrific line-up of inspiration for you on this program.

As usual, we'll be reading some passages from the good book.

And just possibly, we will heal some of our sickly, and/or crippled followers.

And you know, Ernest, Fufu just loves when you heal people.

Fufu is a good dog.

Why, you little shit!

Zu. Shih-tzu.

Ahh.

- I don't want to watch this! - No, way!

Hey, hey, hey, hey! Come on, now.

Okay, okay. I'll change it.

Why, you little Fufu.

That's strange.

I don't know, maybe the batteries are dead.

I'll change them myself.

We're going to defeat the mightiest evil of all.

The devil himself!

Never forget that Satan constantly surrounds us, with but one goal in mind:

To steal your soul!

Silence!

One more word out of you little sacks of shit,

and there'll be no more TV for you tonight!

Ha, ha, ha, ha!

Ahh.

Oh! Ooh! Ooh.

Oh! Oh, kids, I'm so sorry!

I don't know what came over me!

Oh!

20 bucks says it's P.M.S.

Make it stop! Make it stop!

Aah! Make it stop!

Aah! Make it stop!

I hate that control.

Oh, honey, I'm so sorry.

Hey, don't be so hard on yourself.

I should've ducked.

You have this thing checked out by Dr. Hackett tomorrow, okay?

Yep. Definitely P.M.S.

I had no idea that Satan had entered Nancy's body.

And seized her soul once again.

As a matter of fact, at that time, I was so burned-out.

As they say in California I couldn't find my butt with both my hands.

I took a sabbatical, and I traveled.

But no matter where I went, the memory of that awful night kept haunting me.

Oh, honey, I forgot to grab my purse.

- Let's go back. - Oh, great.

Terrific.

- Ha, ha. Here? - Yeah.

- Now? - Yeah.

Oh, excuse me. Are you getting off?

Dr. Fingers, please report to proctology.

- Dr. Fingers. - Oh, doctor? Dr. Hackett?

Uh, no. I'm not a doctor.

But I do play one on television.

That's why I recommend new buffer caps for fast-acting, long relief.

You're lucky, Rick.

Not many amputees are fortunate enough to receive a transplanted arm.

I know, but it's too bad that wrestler had to die for me to get it.

Call for Dr. Hackett!

- Uh-oh. Got to go. See you in rehab. - Sure doc.

Ooh!

- Oh, hello, Dr. Hackett. - Hello, Nancy. Long time, no see.

So, uh, what seems to be your problem?

Something came over me last night.

I just felt such... incredible anger.

And then, suddenly, I vomited on my family.

Hmm.

Smooth or chunky?

Uh, smooth.

Oh, doctor, what could it be?

Possibly the flu. I just had a couple of cases of it come in today.

I must admit that hospitals have always frightened me.

Oh, Nancy, relax. Relax.

Hmm.

Hmm.

Hmm.

So, what's wrong with me?

Well, in a nutshell, I took a survey of all the doctors gathered here.

When I tallied their opinions, the survey said:

Good answer!

Good answer!

Good answer!

Oh, dear Lord, why?

I mean, after my exorcism, I, I've strived to lead a good, clean, decent life.

I haven't done anything morally wrong.

Oh, except watch that Rob Lowe video.

Just give me a sign.

Oh, that's it!

Nancy reached out for the guidance of God.

She discovered that she was not the only one

walking the streets in search of the path of penitence and truth.

God comforts even the lowliest of them,

Even though they lack any shred of intelligence.

The name's North, ma'am.

I have a reservation.

Let's see. Uh, yes. Mr. North.

How long has it been since your last confession?

I don't recall, counsel.

Okay, uh, please follow me.

It was here she met Father Luke Brophy, a dedicated young priest.

He who gives of himself

to someone other than himself

will find that he shall receive

from that someone.

Something that, that, someone other than he.

Uh. Wait, um.

Okay, he

shall receive that which he gave

of himself, which, uh

I said he was dedicated.

I did not say he was articulate.

Look, just be good to each other.

Ohh! Ahh!

With that in mind, I will now ask our ushers

to please pass around the donation basket.

Our church thanks you.

Father Brophy was a man of integrity.

A man dedicated to his beliefs.

A man about 5' 10" in his stocking feet.

It was Father Luke who would make me once again come face-to-face

with my nightmares, and would introduce me to some very interesting Armenian food.

As a matter of fact, it was at the dinner table that he heard his mother say,

"Luke, always wipe the rim."

- Sister Brothers. - Excuse me, Father.

While tallying the donations, I came upon this note with your name written on it.

Thank you.

- Father Mayii? - Yes, yes?

Is it true that priests and nuns have orgies in the Vatican?

What?

Father Luke suffered from the burden of self-doubt, always questioning himself.

Was he good enough to be a priest?

Should he have been a rabbi instead?

After all, they do have Sundays off.

And the question that nagged him the most:

Why weren't there any Japanese players in the NBA?

Was it the hand of the almighty that drew Luke to the phone that night?

Or had he just forgotten to leave his answering machine on again?

Hello?

Father Brophy? Hi, this is Nancy Aglet. I'm the one that left you that note today.

That's so strange. I was just about to phone you.

I hope I'm not disturbing you.

I looked your name up in the phone book.

That's okay. Now, what's this about your having a religious problem?

Honey! Oh, sorry.

Have you seen my nose hair clippers?

Um, they're in the, uh, cabinet.

Listen, I really can't talk about this over the phone.

Is it possible you could come over tonight, so we could speak privately?

Uh, well, you see, it's my, uh-

Please, Father. It's very, very serious.

Sure. Where do you live?

I live at 733 Sex Drive.

Thank you. Good-bye.

Good-bye.

Hey, let's play with the mystic spirit board, okay?

Enter, please.

Well, welcome, Father. I'm Braydon Aglet.

- Hello. - And these are my children Ned and Frieda.

- Hi. - Hi.

Come on, dad, let's play!

- Okay. - Come on, dad, please, let's play.

In a second.

Now, Nancy said you'd be dropping by.

Something about her doing some work with the church?

Uh, something like that, yes.

What should we ask it first, dad?

Oh, well, uh. Well, there's something I've always wanted to ask.

Will Ted Kennedy ever become president?

Ho ho ho! I guess not, eh, kids?

Braydon,

I thought we'd spoken about using that thing in this house.

I never want to see that thing in this house again!

Ohh! Oh, I'm so sorry!

Ohh.

Father, maybe we could go in the other room and speak privately?

Sure.

It was, it was very nice meeting you.

I assume you don't want your family knowing about this.

No, I don't.

No one knows what happened to me in my past.

And what I believe is happening to me now.

Okay, and what exactly is that?

I believe I'm being possessed by the devil.

The devil?

Mrs. Aglet, are you under any kind of psychiatric care at all?

I once gave my word never to show anyone what you are about to see.

High school debating champion?

Papal seal of possession?

Signed by the pope?

Mrs.-

Mrs. Aglet, I apologize, but I guess I've always felt

that these stories of demonic possession were nothing more than religious folklore.

Why did you call me? Why didn't you contact the exorcist, Father Maggi?

Mayii. Father Jedediah Mayii.

Well, they say he retired from the church right after my exorcism.

What makes you think that you're being possessed again?

Satan's spirit flew right out of my TV set and into my soul.

Okay.

Oh, no, I know it sounds crazy, but it must be true.

Father, please help me. Please!

I'll do whatever I can.

Here.

Take this.

It might help.

Uh, I, uh.

I got to go now, okay?

You're not going anywhere, scuzzball!

Ah, ha, ha, ha, hal

Ha, ha, ha, ha!

This broad is mine!

Do you understand? The broad is mine!

Dad! Mom's humping the priest!

Die! Die!

Holy-

- Honey! - Die, you slug!

Die!

Here's the, uh, camera,

and the cassette recorder that you asked for.

Thank you.

Father, what's going on here?

I mean, we just had to tie my wife down to the bed.

I've never done anything like that before in my life.

Well, except that one time when the kids were away at camp.

Mr. Aglet, I don't know what's wrong with your wife,

but I'll certainly do all I can to find out.

Hello, Nancy.

I must say, you certainly don't look anything like you did a few minutes ago.

I am the devil!

Well.

I guess that means that you and I have gone from being friends to being enemies.

I am far more powerful than you can ever imagine.

Maybe.

However, you are but one being.

I represent the belief of far more people.

Did you know that the Christian religion has over a billion followers?

Big deal. So does the wheel of fortune.

So, don't try to impress me with numbers.

I hate all forms of religion.

And I hate all who do not bow in my presence,

no matter if they call themselves a Baptist,

a Protestant, a Catholic, or a Jew!

- Oh, God bless you. - Silence!

Watch yourself, boy.

The last collar jockey who screwed with me ended up with a dislocated shoulder.

You can't frighten me.

They found it in Baltimore.

By the way:

How would you like a little souvenir from my last conquest?

Father Brophy, meet Father Mayii.

I never thought that looked like me, I, I-

Does that look like me?

I think it looks more like Phil Donahue.

You silly, weak fool!

Putting so much faith in a God you've never even seen before.

I don't need to see him, for the Bible says that God created man in his own image.

Oh, yeah.

Then how do you explain Pee-Wee Herman?

All right.

If you really are the devil, then why don't you prove it?

How about you do something supernatural?

Not impressed, huh?

Well, how about if I

make the film break?

Oh. Of, of course I love you. Yeah.

This evening, 8:30.

Tonight? No, no.

No feathers. We'll use the whole chicken.

Ahem.

Father Brophy was very disturbed.

So, Father, what happened?

It may sound unbelievable, but my guess is that Nancy is

possessed by the devil.

- Yeah, I knew it! - He said it's only a guess!

I still say it's P.M.S.

As Father Brophy drove from the Aglet home,

a great fear welled up within him like a big sneeze.

You feel it build, but you know you can't stop it

without making your ears plug up and a bubble come out of your nose.

How could he, a young, inexperienced priest,

do battle alone with the dark Lord himself?

Then, it came to him like a sign from heaven.

Hey, hey! I can't see nothing! What are you doing up there?

- What's going on? - Is that you? Hey, get up!

The young priest had read about the exorcism I had performed in 1973

as well as my 17-year decline into oblivion,

but he tried to call me anyway.

Strangely, my number kept ringing busy.

Was it Satan's trickery at work?

Or was it just my party line?

If he had reached me, I would have told him not to come.

I was weak and tired,

listless, out of sorts, and

my stools were a little loose.

- Sister, I'm looking for the room of- - Hold out your hands.

Excuse me?

Hold out your hands.

Ow!

Don't run in the hallways!

Now, what do you need?

Which room is Father Jedediah Mayii in?

Upstairs on the left.

Thank you.

Ah, ah, ah!

Ow!

A fierce tornado smashed its way through an unpopulated,

uninhabited stretch of barren desert today,

causing no noticeable damage to an unspecified...

Yes?

Who is it?

Father Mayii?

Yes, you may.

Father, I'm Father Luke Brophy from our lady of the evening.

I'm terribly sorry for coming by so late,

but there's someone who desperately needs you.

Someone you helped a long time ago.

Someone I helped a long time ago? Who?

- Nancy Aglet. - I don't, uh, recall the name.

Well, then maybe you'll recall her exorcism.

Oh, good Lord.

Oh!

Little Nancy Velsmo.

Oh, that poor child.

That poor child.

She barely survived the exorcism, as did I.

And you say that she needs my help?

I think Nancy has been...

Repossessed.

Repossessed?

Repossessed?

How can you be sure?

She's displaying all the main traits:

An ungodly voice, maniacal facial expressions, violent spasms-

But that doesn't prove a thing.

She could be related to Joe Cocker.

- No. - Could it be she has P.M.S.?

Father, I've seen her!

She's suffering from something unholy.

Satan has taken her soul again! You have to help her!

- I can't. - But you must!

I can't!

I said it, damn you.

- Father, are you all right? - It's my heart.

It began at Nancy's exorcism.

That's why I can't help you.

If Satan should find me in this weakened condition,

he could take possession of my soul and become even stronger.

- But if you can't help her, who can? - I don't know.

I don't.

I don't.

But... good Lord, yes!

You could do it.

You're young. You're strong.

Luke...

It is your destiny.

There's no way.

You see, there's something that I haven't told you.

I think I've lost my faith.

Luke!

I never want to hear you say anything like that again.

Now, why...

Why don't you look at it like this.

Maybe this is God's way of reaffirming your faith.

While you're saving Nancy's soul, you're also saving your own soul at the same time.

After all, God does work in strange ways, doesn't he?

Yes. Yes, he does.

Good.

You've given me a lot to think about, Father.

Good night, and, uh...

- God bless you. - God bless you, son.

Now, you have a great deal of work to do.

And Luke...

May the faith be with you.

And this just in.

Father Mayii has once again wormed his way out of yet another exorcism.

- Father Mayii. - Yes?

Wasn't it hard to live with yourself after completely wimping out

and allowing a wuss like Father Luke to go up against Satan all by himself?

I mean, didn't you feel like a complete piece

of gutless, spineless, primordial slime?

Next question.

Luke knew little about the ritual of exorcism,

so he arranged for a meeting with the supreme council for exorcism grantings.

You looking for Father Luke?

Wrong window.

He's four windows to your right.

His stomach was acting up like a schnauzer in heat.

Would they believe him?

Would they mock him?

Would they validate his parking?

He turned to the good book for comfort.

Father Brophy?

Please come in.

Father Brophy, I am Father Crosby.

Father Stills,

Father Nash,

and Father Young.

Ho-o!

Does anyone know where- Oh, there you are, Ernest.

I'm sure you know Ernest and Fanny Rae Weller.

- Hello. - Hello!

Oh, Fufu says hello, too!

Hi, Fufu!

Sit, sit, sit, sit, sit.

With all due respect, Father, what are they doing here?

The Wellers are our guests.

It's all part of the interfaith exchange program the church has adopted.

I see.

We understand that you are presenting evidence

regarding possible demonic possession.

Please begin.

And for these reasons I feel an exorcism is warranted.

Do you have any further information that we might want to consider?

Did I mention that Mrs. Aglet also gave me a little head?

I pray you grant this exorcism.

If I may?

It is my opinion that he has indeed proved that an exorcism is necessary.

Furthermore,

why don't we televise this exorcism?

Hmm.

Come on.

Well, Mr. financial advisor.

What do you think of my plan?

Ever since your little midnight liaisons with that boy's choir went public,

the ministry's contributions have gone down dramatically.

Your plan better net six million dollars in two weeks,

because if it doesn't, the word on the street is...

Your ministry is history.

Aaron, why don't you just lighten up.

Come on, now, go get the ball from daddy. Come on! Ha, ha!

Oh, no. Oh, oh, Ernest!

Look what I did to my new dress!

And do you know how much this cost our followers?

Oh, no, just look at this mess.

What am I gonna do?

Fufu?

Fufu?

Ernie, where's Fufu?

Bye, Fufu!

So, Mr. Weller.

They say you have a great idea for my network.

Well, Mr. Tartastein, this special is called Ernest and Fanny's Exorcism Tonight.

It will be broadcast live throughout the entire world via satellite.

It will air continuously until the final outcome.

All the commercial proceeds go to your network.

And all the phone donations come to my ministry.

You don't mind doing business with the devil, do you, Mr. Tartastein?

Ha. Are you kidding?

How do you think Love Boat got on the air?

- So, do we have a deal? - We have a deal.

May Ernest and Fanny's Exorcism Tonight be this network's biggest ratings bonanza!

- Father Mayii? - Yes?

Have you adhered strictly to your vow of celibacy?

Yes, I have.

Me, too.

I'm not surprised.

Mine was by choice.

Mrs. Aglet?

Heh, heh.

Hear my words, demon.

I will cast thee from this poor woman's soul,

because thou art the prince of darkness, the epitome of all evil.

Eat shit and die.

Let's see Geraldo Rivera top this.

Wait till they get a load of me.

I had no way of knowing the forces of evil were growing ever more powerful.

But somehow I sensed:

It was not Nancy Aglet the devil wanted.

He wanted me, and, by God, I had to be ready.

So I decided to not only revitalize my faith

but to restore my physical strength as well.

As they say in Greenwich Village...

To tighten and tone my buns.

Excuse me. Uh, I'm Father Mayii.

- I called- - Hey, padre! How you doin'?

I've been expecting you.

Are you ready for the workout now?

What are we gonna work on today? Pecmans?

Buttissimo?

Ah, the old abba dabbas look a little soft, huh?

- I beg your pardon... - First things first.

- Let's put this on your wrist. - What is that?

Okay, this is a digital heart monitor.

When your heart rate reaches a certain stress level, it beeps.

The harder you pump, the faster it beeps.

- Oh. - Hi there, sailor.

Heh. Heh. Sailor. You know.

He must think this is a naval uniform.

Oh...

Hey, your holiness.

You okay?

Well, let's rock and roll! Come on!

No, no, I don't want to go to the women's gymnasium.

Ah, your h-ness, this is the 90s.

Everybody's doing it together. Come on.

Oh, I, I just remembered. I have another appointment-

Padre, listen to me. First of all, you can't work out in this.

Let's go put some real workout clothes on.

How you doing? Mind keeping that door closed, please?

What do you say we start sweating for the Lord.

- But I really- - Come on. Here we go.

Excuse me.

Hi, Father.

Is there a convention in town?

All right, Father.

You wanna concentrate now. Back straight, stomach in nice and tight, okay?

This is a great exercise for the inner thigh.

When I count to three, breathe normally, and ease out slowly.

Ready? Come on, now. One.

- Two. - Ah!

Well, hello there.

How you doing?

I always wanted to have a personal trainer.

Excuse me, I'm looking for a man.

Oh, no, you go find one of your own. This one's already taken.

Check, please.

Slowly.

There you go.

Let's go for 10, okay?

Father Mayii, I'm so glad I found you.

I went to visit you at the home, but the sister at the front desk said you're here.

Luke, you look troubled, but then, you've always looked troubled.

The supreme council has granted the exorcism.

- Well, thank God. - There's a catch, I'm afraid.

Have you heard of Ernest Weller?

The evangelist with the wife and matching dog?

Weller has convinced them to televise the exorcism.

What?

My God!

That charlatan?

That hypocrite?

- Ah! - Ah!

There. You see? Someone else who knows that it's wrong.

You're a good man, Larry.

It's a sacrilege. It's a travesty.

Televised exorcism?

I can't believe that they'd do such a thing!

Well, they claim that it will convert millions.

Millions! In Weller's pocket!

The man is a thief! He's a swindler!

He's a crook posing as a man of God!

That's the spirit, Father! Together, we can do it!

No, Luke.

Ah!

Think of Nancy, Father. You're the only one with the experience.

No, Luke, I do not have the strength.

You must do it. Raise up your faith, Luke.

Make it a giant sword against Satan.

Remember:

Faith can move mountains.

Yeah!

Six. Seven.

Good, let's switch!

One. Two.

Three. Four.

Five. Six.

Seven. And reach to the side.

And one! Come on!

More! Three and four!

Five. Six. Seven.

Twist again.

Feel it, come on, work it!

Four. Five.

Six. Seven.

Now the upper arms reach.

Come on. Three. Three. Five.

Six. Forward!

Forward.

Two. Three. Faster!

One, two, three, four.

Come on, summer's coming!

Get those butts in gear!

Two, three, four.

Let's work with doggy kicks.

Come on!

And higher!

Three. Four.

Five. Come on!

Get it up!

Here we go!

Eight. Seven.

Six. Five.

Four. You've got three!

Two. One.

Eight more! Eight. Whoo!

Seven.

- I can't do it alone, Father. - You can, Luke. And you must.

But I'm afraid to be defeated in front of millions.

That didn't stop Mike Tyson.

Luke, remember: When you fall on your face, you're still moving forward.

My heart is weak, and I'm too old.

And I will not participate in this, this sacrilegious circus.

You see, now I've lost my glasses. Please, I want you to leave me alone.

I don't want to hear any more about it.

Young man, I was just in the locker room there, and all my clothes have been stolen.

And I want you to know, I think that there's

someone here in the gymnasium has a very serious problem.

Padre,

I think it's you with the serious problem.

- What? - Father? Are these your glasses?

Oh, thank you, my child.

What problem? I don't have any problems. I, I.

Oh...

- Oh! - Are you all right, Father?

Easy, your holiness.

Easy, man.

Father?

Oh, mommy!

Oh, mommy, no!

N-n-not my mommy!

Daddy's magazines-

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

I'm Army Archerd, welcoming you to the greatest television event of all time.

Ernest and Fanny's Exorcism Tonight!

We have a tremendous audience here at Global Television Studios,

waiting in anticipation of the greatest names in show biz.

Is it? And look who's there!

It's Sean Penn!

Whoa!

Whoa!

Whoa!

And wait a minute!

Here they are, the courageous couple who will be dueling with the devil!

Ernest and Fanny Rae Weller!

Could we get you to come up? Can we get you to come up? Oh, good.

- Thank you. - How are ya?

- Hi, Ernest. - Hi! Ha, ha! Hi! Hi, everybody!

- How are you? - Just fine. Hello.

And everybody say hello to Kit-Kat!

Hello, Kit-Kat!

First off, do you have some words for the group here?

Oh, yes, I do, I-

I want you to go home and tune in the show!

- You're right. Come on. - Okay.

Oh, poo.

This ensemble just doesn't look right.

You mind if I change, honey?

Just hurry up. We're on the air in 5 minutes.

Okay.

You know, Ernie, I just feel a little bit nervous about coming face to face,

you know, with the devil and all.

Relax. Mrs. Aglet is not the devil.

She is just a nut with a bad complexion who thinks she is possessed.

Oh, well, whatever you say.

Oh, there!

Now, I'll just look perfect when I sing my song!

I can't wait. Heh, heh.

Remember, now, honey: You promised! Okay, daddy.

Ah. Ah.

Aw.

Cue.

Settle down.

Cue announcer.

Live from Hollywood, it's Ernest and Fanny's Exorcism Tonight!

And now, ladies and gentlemen, Ernest and Fanny Rae Weller!

God bless

all of you.

Every one of you.

My friends,

tonight

is soon to become

the single most important night in the history of mankind

because tonight

millions of you

will witness

as we rid the vile spirit

of Satan himself from the soul of Mrs. Nancy Aglet!

Praise the Lord!

And assisting us in tonight's exorcism is Father Luke Brophy.

And now, believers,

and non-believers

from the bowels of hell

I bring you

the devil!

Gee, mom looks terrible!

Well, they say TV does add 10 pounds to you.

With the blessing of the Lord,

let's start this exorcism.

I command that thy putrid spirit leave the holy being of this child of Jesus.

- I cast thee back to hell. - To hell!

- I cast thee back to hell! - To hell!

I cast thee back to hell!

Why don't you leave me a picture and resume at the door and I'll get back to you, okay?

Oh, you think you're tough?

You're so tough? How come you possessed a woman's body?

You get off wearing women's clothing?

These just arrived for you. We're back on the air in 10 seconds.

This is wonderful. Wonderful!

- What's it say, honey? - You'll see. You will see.

Friends,

Fred Tartastein, the president of this network,

has just informed me that we are being viewed

by the largest audience in television history.

We got no time to celebrate right now, ‘cause we have an exorcism to perform.

In the name of almighty God.

Ernie!

Watch out with those special effects.

Those aren't our effects.

Setting off the sprinkler system.

Quiet!

Do you realize we have an awful lot in common?

We both use people and then dump them when they're no longer of use to us.

I used you to get the largest audience in history.

And now, you're no longer necessary.

What do I do with a couple of jackasses like you?

Ha, ha, ha! That's it.

Look! What's over there?

- Oh! - What the-

Aah!

Walk this way!

Enough with the water.

To all the people of the world, welcome.

Now that I have your undivided attention, why don't we all get a little bit closer?

Ohh.

That's much better.

Hello, I'm Barbara Walters, and this is 20/20.

Aah. I always wanted to do that.

Ladies and gentlemen, this is Father Brophy, we have an emergency.

I beg of you, if you're a man of God,

please rush to the Global Television Studios in Hollywood, California-

Oh, sorry for the young priest's emotional outburst.

He hasn't done much TV, you know.

But I'd like all you viewers at home now to gather around your TV sets.

'Cause I have something very special-

Satan's spirit flew out of the TV!

Ahh...

You think you've stopped me, but think again.

'Cause I know another way to reach those people!

Satan, stop!

Where do you think you're going?!

I'm going to Disneyland!

Stop! Or I swear, Father Mayii will burn in hell forever!

You can't burn what you don't have.

Burn this!

And that's why producers like blonde, 17-year-old coeds as their assistants.

Look out!

Man, I didn't know this tour had a stunt show!

Ha, ha, ha, ha!

Whoa!

Wow.

You guys don't waste any time.

Come on, let's go!

Aah! Ha, ha, ha!

Over there!

Oh, what'd I do to deserve this?!

Stop, you monster!

Ah, what's the matter?

Can't take the heat, rookie? Ha, ha, hal

Ahh!

I, the all-powerful prince of darkness,

command all that is evil to unite as one in my presence... Now!

Ha, ha, ha, ha!

Ah, yes!

Not bad, eh?

Now watch, through the use of modern electronics,

as I turn millions of your couch potatoes into my disciples!

Ha, ha, hal

Yes!

Freeze, pukeface!

Think you're man enough for a real challenge?

A challenge? From you?

Oh, don't make me laugh. My skin will crack.

Not me... Mayii.

Mayii?! Oh, that old geezer stopped slinging holy water years ago.

Not before he kicked your slimy butt.

No way!

I could've taken him.

The fight was fixed.

I want a rematch!

You got it.

Ha, ha, hal

This is it, America!

The event you've all been waiting for.

Hi, I'm Mean Gene Okerlund, along with Jesse "The Body" Ventura,

bringing you the ultimate confrontation of good against evil.

Now, there's a man out there,

who many years ago banished me from the very soul I now possess.

He humiliated me!

And now, I've come back to settle matters.

And I'm not leaving until I have his stinking, rotten soul.

Father Mayii!

Where are you?

I know you're watching.

Because this is Wednesday night,

and everybody knows the other networks don't have dick to watch tonight.

So, do we do battle again?

Or do you cherry out and let me keep this soul forever?

What do you say, Mayii?

No...

No!

By God, you may not!

The belle from hell versus the dove from above

in a one-soul, anything goes match-up, Jess.

It doesn't get any better than this, Mean Gene,

but everyone knows Mayii's got a bad ticker.

So Las Vegas oddsmakers have listed him as a 25 to 1 underdog.

You call this a tip, you cheap bastard?!

He doesn't stand a shot in hell!

Father Brophy! Luke!

- Luke! - Father, what are you-

- Oh, were you watching on TV? - Yes. I had to come. I had no choice.

Well, what about your heart?

Don't worry about that. I brought it with me.

Father, this could kill you.

Yes. Yes, but that's irrelevant.

Satan is fighting to take control here.

Well, I'm not so sure.

Remember, his opponent is a woman.

Nice tits, sure, but a face I wouldn't want to wipe my feet on.

- Ever hear of a paper bag? - My money's on Mayii.

Mayii!

And they wonder why priests never get married.

Now, Luke, I'm going to need your assistance,

but if you are still lacking in faith, you may be more harm than good.

- Are you? - No way.

- You can count on me. - Good.

Now, just remember one thing:

The devil is always trying to take over your mind.

He'll lie to you, he will deceive you. He will totally try to manipulate you.

So do not listen to anything that he has to say.

He's worse than a studio executive.

- Understood? - Understood.

Worse than a real estate agent, a divorce attorney-

- I got it. - Right.

All right, then.

Let's go.

They're here...

Ah!

I see it pays to advertise on television.

I think a little mood lighting is appropriate.

Don't you?

There.

Have no fear, my son.

We have the Bible, we have our faith.

And as a back-up, these beauties.

That's an illegal foreign object!

Jesse, what do you know about fairness?

I'll show you fairness!

Are you just about finished?

It's been a long time, Mayii.

I've waited an eternity to do to you

what you did to me all those years ago.

Before I do, I've got something special for you.

Oh, that is disgusting, Mean Gene!

I have never seen a move like that in all my years of wrestling!

Whew!

So,

how do you like it?

Oh, you'll pay for that, you bucket of cow dung.

How dare you, you-

How long has she been in this condition?

A few days. How does she look?

Not too good. She looks like she's been existing solely on airline food.

Your Father wears tight underwear! And I can't stand your mother!

Will you put a sock in it?!

Jeez, what crawled up your butt and died?

Every night I prayed to never again gaze on your grotesque face,

listen to your venomous voice, but with you right in front of me now,

I thank God that I have the opportunity to boot your stinking carcass back to hell,

you worthless, you rotting, you vulgar spirit.

Hey, hey, hey!

Where does it say you can talk to me like that?

Right here.

Oh, sure, you may feel pretty cocky right now,

but you'll soon realize that I am far too powerful for you.

And I am a man of God.

And I fear no one, especially an unholy spirit from an unsavory world.

Unsavory? Aw, come on.

You've got just as many unsavory types here.

From those Domino's Pizza delivery boys to that idiot in the back row

who won't shut up during the movie.

Enough!

This is meandering.

Father, my lunch bucket.

Holy water.

The church was closed, um, the only place open was a 7-11.

Ahh, thank you, you've been a lovely audience.

And next, I'd like to do my impression of comedian Don Adams.

Where's the chief, 99?

Do not get smart with me!

On a visit to the little town of Bethlehem, a young Shepherd came upon Jesus,

accepted him Lord-

Lick me! Lick me!

Lick me!

Oh, is this cool or what?

It's the cone-ilingus move.

Why don't you take a lick of this candy stick, you sissy boys! Hee hee hee!

That's disgusting!

And the living Jesus said unto him,

"He who is strong in his belief of God shall have his sins forgiven."

What a levitation move!

Jesus said unto him-

Father, Luke, do not believe what you are seeing. It is merely an illusion.

You sound like George Bush on the deficit!

But she's floating in midair.

Hey! What are you doing with those scissors?

Hey!

Ohh!

- Ouch! - Oh!

That was the anti gravity backdrop, wow!

lllegal, Man Gene!

As I said, itis merely an illusion.

Oh, yes. That may have been an illusion.

But I know something that's very real.

Your heart condition!

Oh, but don't worry.

Far be it from me to want to rattle you.

Ah! Oh!

Say your prayers, Mayii.

Because soon you'll be history.

That's enough!

In the name of God, I demand you stop this charade!

You... demand?

You're not in a position to demand dick, altar boy!

See, I know all about you.

And why you really joined the church.

Oh, sure. They have a terrific dental plan.

- But that wasn't why. - Be quiet.

Ignore that beast, Luke.

You joined the church because you had no talents, no skills,

were totally untrainable, and your S.A.T. score was under 400.

- Shut up! - Don't listen!

So, you had two choices.

Either working in the church, or the U.S. senate.

I said, shut up, damn you! Shut up!

Don't listen, Luke!

I just want to thank you for joining the church.

Because of you, I'll be able to keep this woman's soul forever.

I have no right calling myself a priest.

Luke, I have to ask you to leave.

Aw, please, dad, can't he stay? Tomorrow's not a school day. Please?

Damn you!

I'll kill you with my bare hands.

Aw, you take your best shot, you old fart.

Now, don't take a look at this picture with your mother in bed with Manuel Noriega.

Aah!

Aah!

Luke!

He's down! He's out!

It's a heart attack, Mean Gene!

Massive cardiac.

- What a wuss! - Father.

Uh!

He's coming back, ladies and gentlemen. Oh!

What a comeback, Jesse Ventura!

I don't believe it! He was down and out and finished!

So, you're a hard man to Kill.

It might be easier if you were a woman.

Sister Mayii!

That guy even scares me, Mean Gene.

Hi, ya, ya, ya!

Well, it ain't Star Search, but I got a million of these.

This is the craziest exorcism I've ever performed.

Hey! Who are you?

I'm your worst nightmare.

Something's wrong.

Ahh! Who needs steroids?

Steroids aren't used in wrestling anymore.

Or any less.

And we are here to pump

you up!

Hey!

You're nothing but a little girly devil.

Satan!

Satan, you got him on the run. What move you gonna use next?

Next, I'm gonna grab a wrestler by his neck,

suck out his eyeballs, and spit 'em down his throat!

What did she say?

She's talking to you, Mean Gene.

Oh! Oh! Ooh! Ooh!

In the name of the holy Father,

I anoint this woman's body with the symbol of God's goodness.

Ha, ha! You missed!

You swine!

Ooh!

Your tricks have no effect on me!

Father.

I'm seeing a pattern here.

You fiend!

- Why am I a fiend? - I was talking to her.

- You were looking at me. - Well, you know!

I had nothing to do with the water.

It came from over there and it came from up there.

Luke!

- Luke! - Leave her body!

Enter mine! Enter mine!

Luke!

Oh, no!

He's innocent.

It's my body you want.

Enter me!

Enter me!

Enter me!

Enter me!

Father Mayii?

Yes?

You may!

Father, don't!

You talk about your action, Jesse!

It looks like a transvestite battle royal!

Ooh...

Well, we almost had it there for a second, didn't we?

- Nice goin'. - Face it, you guys can't beat me.

You're losers.

No one can destroy what the devil has created. Nah!

If it takes my last breath, I'll prove you wrong.

What are we gonna do? We tried everything, everything the devil hates.

Prayers, holy water, sex, drugs, and rock and roll.

Rock and roll?

Rock and roll? We never tried that.

I hate rock and roll.

Oh, you hate rock and roll?

Well, wait till you get a load of me!

Hello, 911? This is the devil.

I'm being driven back to hell by loud music. Could you-

Hello? Hello?

No!

There's no place like home.

There's no place like home.

- Nancy. - There's no place-

It's all over now.

Ooh!

Ooh!

Oh, Father Mayii!

You saved me once again! How can I ever thank you?

Ooh!

Nancy, saving your soul is thanks enough.

Good will always triumph over evil.

But I'm confident now that we have seen the last of this vile demon.

Mayii!

I'll be back!

Ohh, shit.

So, it happened.

Victory over the devil.

A great day for mankind.

And a pretty good day for split pea soup.

Nancy and Braydon are a happy couple again, and the kids are just fine.

But now they're taking acting lessons.

But that's not important right now. I have a very special guest here for you.

Nancy Aglet.

Now, I'm sure many of you have questions you'd like to ask.

Yes?

How do you feel after all of this?

I feel wonderful. Thanks for asking.

Uh, uh.

Yes?

No offense, but I think you're insulting our intelligence.

I mean, honestly, do you expect us to swallow this bullshit?