Original subtitles

Can you tell Ben not to go in my room?

Ben, don't go in his room!

Can you tell Jay not to steal my clothes?

Jay, don't steal his clothes!

Look, found it.

A wrong music festival tent.

This has been some service.

No. No, no!

Oh!

Why would I take his clothes? He dresses like a 12 -year -old bag lady.

Are you sure you want to do this camping trip? I wouldn't worry about that list

if I were you. It's got nothing to do with the list. What list?

Someone emailed your dad an article about 50 things to do with your children

before they become teenagers.

So I'm safe then?

Oh, Ben, could you get the water and the glasses, please? I'm trying to pack,

but Jake's taking my pants.

Oh, pant wars, eh?

Look, you guys should all have your own personal colours.

That's what my sisters and I used to do with our panties.

Yeah, we used to have all these G -strings out on the line. I was red, and

even though I've left home, red.

Juicy couture, but still red.

Daisy, can I just borrow you for a minute?

Jake, I would never take his pants. They'd probably get leprosy or wet rot.

sure you don't want to change your mind and join me and Ben on our... No,

thanks. You could play your guitar around a campfire under the stars.

Yeah, I could.

Or I could play my guitar in my bedroom in the warm and I wouldn't have to

listen to Ben running around banging on about Bear Grylls and trying to drink a

frog. You can only do that with certain South American frogs.

Ben's at a particular age, so he's a very attractive woman. He displays some

undergarments.

Oh, I got you, eh?

Oh, bless him, little fella.

He's got the jackaroo, as my dad used to say. Yes, he has.

Over there, please.

Jake, can you get the cutlery, please?

Oh.

It's Ben's dummy.

Clarkies?

To the old cart.

We haven't really done much of the stuff on this list, have we? Those lists are

published solely to make parents feel bad.

This is Ben the baker's wife. I spent a whole game waiting for her once. Oh,

wait, no, there is one we've done. Here, bringing up a butterfly.

Do you remember when Ben, he swallowed the... It means bringing up from a

cocoon, not eating it and bringing it up. Yeah, yeah, of course.

Ah, Dad, frost forecast for tomorrow.

Are you sure you want to spend your birthday camping?

Ben wants to see the meteor shower.

It's growing up so fast, there's only a short window of time while he'll still

want to do things with me. And soon, he'll be too big to fit in this tent.

He's like that really funny in -between age, isn't he?

One moment he's this big, great man thing, and the next moment he's a little

again and comes and sits on my lap.

Did you manage to get that appointment with the chiropractor? Yeah, Tuesday.

Double session.

Oh, that's not it.

I'll take it like this.

Take that down, please.

And eat that potato up. Oh, no offence, but with the swimwear modelling, I've

got to work the kilos even more than before.

Oh, no, not you, Stacey. No, I just meant Karen. The cheesy potato's

but it's all carbohydrates and fat. That's fine, Stacey. I just...

Karen to eat. Well, the cheesy potatoes are all carbohydrates and fat.

Stacey knows this stuff.

You're not going to be modelling bikinis, are you, Karen? There's PE.

Girls are judgmental. They call Shaniqua the muffin.

Well, Shaniqua is a little patisserie -shaped and,

of course, that's lovely in its own way. It's lovely if you don't care what you

look like.

Hey, Karen, look.

No forks in eyes, Ben. Stop trying to frighten me. You can frighten me if you

like. I quite like being frightened.

No one likes being frightened.

So why is there an hour and a half queue for the stealth at Thorpe Park, which

only lasts like eight seconds?

Do you think people just join queues? No, it's fear.

It's something from being boring. You can never be bored if you're frightened.

Well, you wouldn't like it if you were actually scared, like if you woke up in

bed and...

There was a giant lizard about to murder you.

You get that dream too?

It's one of my favourites. Positive you don't want to come?

Away from the silly lights, we'll be able to take this meteor shower.

No, tomorrow night's the deadline for my UCAS form.

Oh, yeah, I'm off to Mikey's, by the way. Let me know.

He said he'd finished that form weeks ago.

Everything's under control.

Phil, it'll be nice to see you in bed, won't it?

It will, yeah.

Do you want to have another tissue?

Oh, no, you're fine, thanks.

I wish she'd stop going on about... diet things with Karen's there.

She doesn't need to diet. Look at her.

Okay, stop looking at her.

It's difficult. Kids get very mixed messages about eating.

I know.

It's like it's okay to be fat, but you mustn't be. I know this is silly, but I

do sometimes worry about Karen and her food.

She displays all the signs of someone with food issues.

You've been on mum's net again, haven't you? She does.

Listen. Think of all the websites we had to check out for Jake.

He's turned out all right, hasn't he?

Yeah. I wish I'd been like him at his age. He was ridiculously chilled out.

Chilled? He told me I couldn't say chilled out, I had to say chilled.

In fact, he's really uptight about saying chilled.

What are you doing with all those?

Because we're going into the wilderness.

Bear Grylls, he makes owner handles out of ash.

But I didn't think we'd have enough time to fell the ash trees.

So, yeah.

We're going to the woods for camp, not to dispose of a body.

If you want one, there's always baby.

Ah! I've got a fork stuck in my head!

Yeah, yeah, very funny, Ben.

Oh, he has got a fork in his head.

Dad, we need to get going.

It is 6 .45 on a Saturday morning.

Made you a Bull English breakfast.

Thanks.

It doesn't normally involve pizza.

Oh.

Chips. One of those?

Onion bar juice.

Happy birthday.

Thanks.

Well, I suppose we'd better think about what food we need to take on our trip.

Sorted. We're all set.

So what... Have you only just got in?

Uh, someone's broken into our car. They smashed the window.

Oh, not again.

Why?

Bloody hell.

The last lot took the stereo.

What this country needs is more intelligent crackheads.

What time do you call us?

Oh, well, I texted Mum to tell her I'd be staying late at Mikey's. Right, but

this is so past late, it's early.

Dad, you've got to check the car. That's your priority.

I think I'll decide what my priority... But we'll still be able to go, won't we?

Well... Dad?

Has the seat dried out yet?

Not really.

Rabbit! What?

Roadkill.

Aren't you playing? All I need is Badger and Pheasant, and I've got the set.

So, Spartacus the Musical.

How's it going?

You've gone a bit quiet about it. Yeah, I'm a bit worried about a scene

Spartacus has with Lavinia. Yeah?

I've got to kid her.

Right, and who's playing Lavinia?

Tulsa.

She's really short.

Like, half a dwarf short. What, you're worried that everyone will laugh?

No.

Will they? No.

Then why didn't you say they would? I didn't.

I was just worried that's what you were worried about.

They gave it a part to boost their confidence.

You know, because of the lisp.

Spartacus. They're all going to laugh, aren't they? No, no, I am sure that I

will be... Ah!

Badger. That wasn't a badger, that was a tyre. No, that was definitely a big

badger. Or a very small nun. They won't laugh. Or a large penguin.

Will they laugh? God, no. Can you just rehearse my lines a bit?

So there's this really cool new diet you should try. It's called the MJH diet,

which stands for Muslim, Jewish, Hindu.

Basically, you cut out all the foodstuffs that those religions ban

old guys back in the day, they understood about toxins.

And you get, like, triple karma from doing all three. Oh, Stacey, could I

borrow you for a moment?

Yes, please.

I'm not a slave.

I'm not an animal. You say I behave just like a cannibal, but my soul is brave.

And your actions are damnable if justice reclaimed. And our spirits are

damnable. Listen up, don't make a fuss. But know his name, it's

Spartacus.

Um, Stacey.

I would prefer it if you didn't visit Thinness and Diet Issues with Karen.

I didn't realise she... She's not.

Yet. I just...

Don't want her obsessing about being thin.

Dead on.

Of course, you don't want her ending up a little fatty either.

Well, I think we'll just let her find her own shape.

She hasn't mentioned anything to you about food?

Oh, well, she did say something about school meals being bad for your figure.

Oh, no, hang on. Was that me?

No, I'm not a liar. We'll beat you like Hannibal. Your legions are tired and

your warships are rammable.

The dead fox?

No way, that was a pheasant.

We're not for hire and we're just not bannable. Our hearts are on fire and

houses are flammable.

This holy flame is part of us, but know his name, it's Spartacus!

So did Mr Farthingwell write all the lyrics?

Yeah, he has a rhyming dictionary.

I think you can tell that.

What's this?

Oh, yeah. I was browsing around on the internet and I stumbled across these

great travel offers.

Rome! Oh, I want to go there.

Yeah, I vaguely remember you mentioning that.

Rome is amazing this time of year.

Have you been?

Not myself personally, but people I know have and they say this is the time to

go. Right now.

Karen, what is in that sandwich?

The only thing I don't like about Rome is how they're cruel to animals.

Marmite first cause, cheese main cause, and Nutella for pudding.

Kind of makes me tearful. They kill them in their coliseums.

Oh, well, I think they've stopped that now.

The gladiators and the lions.

Even the Christians.

Those guys with capes who stab bulls.

Oh, bullfighting. No, that's Spain.

Rome's in Italy, and the Italians are famously kind to their animals.

Spain's also very nice.

All I'm saying is, strictly speaking, Spartacus should sing in Latin.

You said this to Mr. Farthingwell. It's an effing musical, Spartacus, he said.

He calls me Spartacus all the time now, and I call him Lloyd Webber.

I wish all teachers were like him. There used to be quite a lot of teachers like

him. But then Michael Gove had them all killed.

Oh, what brings you downstairs?

Breakfast. Or as we call it, lunch.

You know, you need to try and relax, Mum. I am quite low maintenance.

Could have been a gangster, or a heron addict, or a priest.

So you weren't going to tell us about being out all night?

Only so you wouldn't worry.

I protect you from yourselves.

Are you done?

We... Nothing, really. I'm just Googling about.

Oh, so you're spying what character you're teaching at school?

I'm not spying. I am carefully monitoring, like any responsible...

Hi, there.

How's things?

Fine, yeah.

Are you having a nice time with Ben?

Yeah, he's just off trying out his new Bear Grylls flexible saw.

He's a bit worried about the musical, though. He's got a very short girl with

lisp. Everyone will laugh.

Yeah, I know, but...

It sounded a bit like a very large tree falling over.

Ben?

Er, Pete?

I've been looking at what Karen's been eating at school.

What? Since they've got these lunch cards, everything they buy shows up on

computer. I'm worried because it's 16... Ben?

Did that noise have anything to do with you? We should go.

We should go.

Karen, is your mum OK with me staying here?

Grazia magazine says that older women sometimes feel threatened by having

someone young and hot around.

Ben really likes it, though.

Oh, yeah, he's got a bit of a puppy crush on me.

He's got a photo of you on his wall underneath his Theo Walcott poster.

Oh, cute!

And he's rigged up a series of mirrors.

to try and create a life -sized image of you standing next to a bird.

Actually, that's quite creepy.

Boy, they.

Is there anything else on?

The Great British Bake Off. This show is pathetic.

Excuse me, I love this show.

I'm just watching people bake cake.

They do pies as well. Pies, type of cake.

Why would you have a shower without cake? It's so bad for you. It's so

It's so exciting.

There's, like, drama.

Cake. There's, like, one time someone stole someone else's custard and it was

crazy. Really? And then did everyone run around and decide to make another cake?

That's all going to go straight on her side.

And there's judges as well. OK, see the guy there with, like, the orange face

and the blue eyes?

They're complimentary colours.

Well, I've had enough of this. Let's do what else is on.

Come dine with me.

Can you dine with me?

Can you dine with me?

Dad, is this how you remember it from when you were a kid?

Yeah.

Apart from the fly tipping.

Jesus.

That's a woodland Ikea.

Top gear, top gear.

QI, QI, QI, QI.

The man with ten stone testicles.

What? He's a man with ten testicles? Made of stone? What?

Uh, no, Stacey, um, I think basically he's got testicles that weigh ten stone.

Stone is a weight, you know? Why would anybody even have ten testicles?

Look, look, two.

Two fleshy testicles. Oh, Jake, change the channel.

How does he walk?

He probably rolls.

My uncle brought me and a couple of my mates down here, oh, 36 years ago,

before these woods were full of...

Parakeets. We went swimming in that stream down there.

Cool. I'll go get some water.

We carved our names on a tree round here somewhere.

Back before trees were important.

What's that?

It's a condom. According to the SAS Encyclopedia of Survival, these things

the best things for carrying water.

Where did you get them? Jake's room.

They're really light and they can carry around two litres of water. Where in

Jake's room? Bedside table.

Right. And a sock drawer.

And a cloak pocket.

I haven't got him into trouble, have I?

No. Looks like no -one's going to be getting into trouble, so that's good.

We do have bottled water in the car.

I'll still get some wild water from the stream and then I can disinfect it.

Bear Grylls strains it through his socks.

OK. As long as you don't mind if I drink the non -condom and sock water.

You know, Bear Grylls drank liquid from a dead camel's intestines.

I think that's where they get babies from.

My sister had her boobs done for her 18th birthday.

Oh, really?

This is her in Bali.

Oh, yeah, her boobs are really... Could I just, uh... Borrow me?

Sure.

I reckon now Ben wasn't here, boob talk would be allowed.

Yeah, it's just, um... Watching a programme about cosmetic surgery with

there. No, it's about female empowerment.

Well, freaking hell, I hate my tits. Yeah.

It's just, I don't want Karen to think it's normal for women to be slit open

have bits of plastic inserted into their bodies to please men.

Well, with Kitty, my sis, it was more of a self -esteem issue.

You see, she had one boob much smaller than the other. My brothers used to call

it the hobbit.

She did a couple of things that were probably just calls for help, but we

thought it was best just to get it sorted.

Well, that does sound different.

No, that's fine. Plastic surgery. I'll add that to the no -no list.

Have you thought any more about Rome?

I'm just worried it's a bit old.

Well, it has been there quite a while. And I've got the main work here as an au

pair in Stoke.

Stoke? Yeah, I was thinking about visiting her.

Stoke? Party capital of Europe, is it?

Dad, it looks a bit cloudy this immediate.

Yeah, afraid so.

Get me that bacon, would you?

The bacon was for the trap, son.

You set traps?

Yeah. Gats animals.

It's in the SAS encyclopedia of survival.

So what are they?

Twigs that spring open?

Well, most are toggle and bait release Deadpool basket traps.

Uh -huh. But I did also add them baited to bring legs nears.

And where are these?

Well, they're on the pass, all around the campsite, because, you know, animals

walk on paths. As do humans, of course, like me.

Well, then, you stay here, and then I'll just tell you when we've caught

something. Hang on, you have brought food?

No, you can't bring food, it's too heavy, you need to catch it.

And there's deer poo everywhere.

Your traps could catch a deer?

Maybe, I mean, probably not a red deer, because they're like the size of cows.

So we've got no food at all?

Maybe we get the bacon out and perhaps we washed it. They're really well

camouflaged and to be honest, I'm not really that sure where I left them. So

basically we are stuck in the middle of nowhere with no food and surrounded

by well camouflaged snares.

Correct.

I know that you've been talking to Stacey a lot, and I just want you to

that you really don't have to worry about being a nice

size.

Then why are you saying it? Because you don't. There's lots of things that I

have to worry about, like being carried away by a condor. I don't have to worry

about tripping and falling into the oven headfirst and being cooked. There's

lots of things I have to worry about. So what you're actually saying is I do

need to worry about being a nice size?

No! No, absolutely not. God, no. It couldn't matter

less.

It's just that I have stumbled upon what you've been eating at

school. This is about the doughnuts, isn't it?

16 in a week seems a lot.

I didn't eat them.

Spartacus. You are no lesser man than great Caesar himself.

Let Caesar fight me one on one, and then we will see who's boss.

Oh, Spartacus.

Are you sure you want me to speak the way that Tulsa does it? Yes, definitely.

It helps you get used to it.

Oh, Spartacus, if you beat Caesar, I would kiss you.

What about now, Lavinia? Will you kiss me now?

Yes.

Thanks, Dad.

So, are you sure that nobody will laugh?

Absolutely. There'll be...

Two caught up in the romance.

Oh, look.

Some raisins from our last trip.

Shall we eat those? I mean, the moulds are... What the hell was that?

One of my traps!

Why did you give the doughnuts to the other girls? You told me to build

and make friends.

Oh, you're buying friends with doughnuts? Yeah.

Oh, God, that's a really... No, actually, no, it's not, is it? I do know

can't buy friends.

Well... You can, kind of, but you usually end up with the fat ones.

Oh, Karen.

Oh, hello. It's Worry Woman.

What are you worried about now?

I'm worried that I'm about to punch my son in the face.

It's a rabbit.

She netted a rabbit.

So what do we do now?

Kill it, gut it, cook it, eat it?

Well, whack it on the head with your club, then.

I'm so hungry I could eat any mammal. Except a human, of course. Probably not.

Or a panda, because they're endangered.

Or a liver of a polar bear, because they're toxic. They're like husky

They're toxic as well. And some sea lions actually have toxic liver. Ben,

okay. You don't have to kill it.

So, can we let the bunny go?

Yeah.

Oh, that was easy.

Wow.

My mates carved that in 1977.

What?

Nothing. Doesn't matter.

Dad, there's a lot of cars parked up there on that track.

Yeah, probably nature lovers.

But they're flashing their lights.

Do you reckon they're trying to signal? Yep.

But not to us.

Karen, did...

History, I say. You've only done half a page.

Longer than tequilas. Tequila? I texted her. Why isn't anyone called Janet or

John anymore?

There's been La Janet in 7K.

La Janet.

I googled Stoke.

Isn't it lovely?

Well... I'm going to take a gap year.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, hang on. I've decided, Mum. But you decided you

months ago. What is it you want to do on a gap year? Well, I haven't decided

that. Is this because you haven't finished your university application

which you assured me was under control and has to be in by midnight?

Definitely not. Good.

Have you finished it? No.

Have you started it? I don't need to. I'm going on a gap year. Gap years are

brilliant. Stacey!

Can you borrow me?

Just...

It's probably the last chance we'll have to do stuff like this together.

Yeah, I thought that too.

No offence, but you're quite old already, and soon you'll just reach that

where you don't want to do stuff with me anymore.

Well, I thought it might be the other way round, now you're a teenager.

Yeah, I mean, being a teenager is quite tricky.

I sometimes think I'm a bit weird.

Yeah, well, we all think we're a bit weird, because we're the only ones who

all the stuff that goes on inside our heads.

Weird stuff does go on inside my head.

I can imagine.

Because weird stuff goes on outside your head.

You can always talk about it if you want.

Can I not talk about it if I want? That's fine too.

Don't say it, Mum.

Say what?

I'm going on a gap year for all the wrong reasons.

I don't have to now because you said it.

Mum, look, I might as well put off going to uni for a bit. Everyone I know who's

graduated is either working in KFC or stuck in a...

Dup costume, handing out leaflets. And the fiscal cliff is still unresolved.

And how am I meant to fill in a form? And I don't know what courses lead to

careers in three years' time.

And I've still got my student loan to pay off. Then I'm never going to get a

mortgage. And, oh, that's not even considering the Eurozone crisis.

Jakey, Jakey, come on.

It's OK.

Look, I'll make us a nice cup of tea and then we can just chill out. Chill!

It's chill, Mum, for Christ's sake, chill!

Right.

Glad you're still taking the time to point that out.

Now, why don't we fill in this form, just in case you change your mind again

about a gap year? Gap years, let's go.

Ben?

Ben?

So, what shall we put fifth?

Geography at Keele?

Yeah, good.

Where is Keele?

It's, um... It's below Newcastle and above Birmingham. I don't know. You're

one doing geography.

Well, stick it down.

Now you're in a better position to make a decision about gap year.

Sod it. No gap year. Just get on with life.

Sure.

All right, then. That is our... Done.

So now all you have to do is send this off with your personal statement. You

have done your personal statement, haven't you?

I've done a first draft.

Then?

Oh, the clouds are gone. I didn't know whether to wake you.

Are they the meteors?

Well, either that or Southampton's on fire.

That is fantastic.

Those people in the cars down there, they still have their headlights on.

They won't be able to see the meteors.

No. Do you reckon I should...

Tell them?

No, best not, no.

Are they doggers?

Yes, I think they are.

I led a team on a charity walk through Morocco to raise money for homeless

people. Yeah, OK, fair enough. I did make that one up entirely. But come on,

Mum, everyone lies.

Yeah, but they lie better.

Well, actually, most kids, their parents write their personal statements for

them. They contribute nothing?

No, they read them.

Although Tommy forgot to do that. That's how he got caught out in an interview

when they started asking about his missionary work in Angola.

So did you like being a teenager?

Not really.

I could cope with the misery and the acne. I just wasn't very good at the

rebellion. So I'm guessing you quite liked it when you turned 20.

I wasn't great at that either.

So what bit did you like?

I quite like now.

You like now?

Is it by having Karen and Jake and me and hemorrhoids?

Yeah, despite that.

You see, I'm not sure about being a teenager.

Like a proper one.

To be honest, I quite like now.

I like it now. That's a real gift. That's as good as it gets.

With luck, you'll... Should we get back to the tent? I think that's best.

Hey, Mum, listen.

This is really cool.

Last night, these slugs crawled into my boots.

Don't take them off.

They're actually quite comfy.

How are you feeling?

Fine.

I'm really glad we did it. I want a bath because we're both really smelly. Ben

is brilliant at setting traps.

So he caught something then? A rabbit, a lever doodle and two doggers.

They should put that on the list of 50 things to do with your kids.

Is it something to go on his personal statement when I write it?

11 .57 that application went in last night. Three minutes to midnight. We got

there, didn't we?

I bet she's rolling her eyes.

Relax, Mum. It was fine.

I expect you know Jake is very chilled.

Chilled? I'm chilled, not chilled.

Oh, this is cheating.

You told us yesterday it was chilled. Hi, Dad.

Hi, darling. What's new? Mum got rid of Stacey. No, I did not. She paid for her

train ticket to Scotland.

She wanted to visit Edinburgh.

Mum told her it was always sunny.

Hang on. How much is a return ticket to Edinburgh?

It wasn't a return.

You need to watch Ben.

Because I think he's got food issues.

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