Original subtitles

OK, everyone, dinner in five.

That smells nice. Is it horse?

Probably. How was Jake's driving lesson?

I really think that we should pay a proper instructor to teach him. Why?

Because they are professionally trained to hide the terror.

Oh, come on. Hey, boys, now I need you to clear away your homework stuff.

You don't seem to notice things.

No, important things.

Solid things.

Because he's a teenager, they're dreamy.

Mentally, he's just not there. At one point, I yelled pedestrian, and he

it was a criticism.

So, Jammie, you get to do psychology.

What do I get to do?

Oxbow legs.

What the hell is an oxbow leg anyway? Can I have mine in front of the

No, we are all sitting down together for once.

Psychology's so interesting.

Yeah, it is interesting. And so you have to study it.

And it becomes annoying, like everything else.

Yeah, but it's the study of the mind.

Once you understand the mind, you can bend it to your will.

Like Darren Brown.

He can make people think they're being attacked by zombies.

That's a very useful life skill.

And career -wise, psychology's practical. I will never do anything that

work with an oxbow leg.

But I might be a psychiatrist.

Psychologist. What's the difference?

A psychiatrist studies diseases of the mind, whereas a psychologist...

Right, it's crappy self -help books.

Karen!

Tea!

Could you lay the table, please?

So your dad was just filling me in about your driving lesson. How do you think

it went?

I need lessons from a paid instructor.

There, see?

Someone who knows what they're doing.

Well, I know what I'm doing. Well, it's very distracting sitting next to someone

who's constantly slamming their foot into the floor. Yeah, but that's a

a survival instinct.

It's the same as throwing your hands in front of your face. Which is also very

distracting. And he's too vague. He says bare left when there's loads of lefts.

There was one available left.

Well, I think I proved that was untrue, didn't I? But that left was a canal.

You said turn left, so I turned left. And I stopped him plenty of times.

All right, I'll tell you what. Why don't I take you out tomorrow?

Look, I just... I don't think it's a good idea to be taught by a family

Hey, you'll be fine.

Karen! Tea!

Oh, you haven't forgotten that you're taking her to a swimming match tomorrow,

have you? No, I haven't forgotten.

Try to.

You know, I think this is perfect timing, her getting on the school team.

will give her a chance to settle in with the other kids. It will boost her self

-confidence. Isn't it her self -confidence that's cheesing off the

Well, yeah.

But I think a lot of that's a mask to hide her insecurities.

A mask?

Yeah.

That she's been wearing for 11 years.

Yeah.

I've got a bad feeling about this.

When she swam for the primary school, there was always little tournaments and

she always won. But this one is against that big new academy.

The one whose kids aren't allowed into shops.

Look, it doesn't matter how she does.

The key here is that she's finally engaged in a school activity.

What if she doesn't win?

Well, it'll be good for her. I'm not thinking of her, I'm thinking of us.

think what kind of week we'll have.

Oh, God. Do you remember Black March?

And she lost that game of Risk.

Can I eat watching Game of Thrones?

No, we're all going to eat together like a pro... Now where's Jake gone?

Jake! I need the toilet.

Ben, I said lay the table.

Karen!

What? What are you doing? I've just got to print something off. What is it?

The first 50 pages of my novel.

Which one?

The one I'm working on currently. The one about the samurai who can time

Oh, right, that one.

Because Philip Work, his wife, is an editor for a publisher.

Do you think you could do this later on? Because the Prince is playing mind

games and I need to get everybody sat down. Where's Ben?

Ben!

Back in a sec!

Karen! Jake!

Kate, it's like herding cats.

Karen, are you ignoring me or are you wearing your headphones?

I'm ignoring you!

She's in a foul mood.

She picked up a detention today for commenting on the depth of his

All right, Philip.

Deputy Head is ultra -sensitive about his moustache?

Her moustache.

Oh, right.

I don't know why Karen does this stuff.

I do.

It's because of you two.

Eh? No, you need to challenge her behaviour.

Confront her more.

I'm being serious.

I know, that's what's so funny.

You need to control her.

She needs boundaries.

Well, I think you're being a bit hard on us.

Isn't he?

Of course he is.

We brought you up. We didn't do a bad job there, did we?

Yeah, but then you just seem to lose the hang of it.

You cut her way too much slack. She treats this place like a hotel. Oh,

that's just rubbish.

Mum, I have dinner in my room.

That is an untypical coincidence that is just... Karen,

you will come down here and have your dinner with everybody else like a proper

person.

There. What are these?

It's part of my costume for Spartacus.

It's a father who says I can take him home because I need to try and get used

them. He says I have to try and get myself into the mindset of a rebel slave

who's taking on the might of Imperial Rome.

This is a musical, isn't it?

Ben, I won't say it again. No gladiator next to the dinner table.

You're so strict.

There. See?

Hallelujah! We're all here, all assembled at last. Where are you going?

I need a shower.

We're all about to eat.

Put a plate over it. I might grab it later. No, you'll eat it now or it's

down the toilet. All right, all right.

A family should always eat together.

Yep, the Borgias always eat together.

No, your mum's right. We should eat together.

Come on, Pebble Dad.

Karen, what was that weird thing you were doing in the bathroom earlier?

Oh, yeah, that was my victory dance for tomorrow at swimming.

Victory dance?

Yeah, I made a K, so I rubbed my arms out like this.

Yeah, K for...

Okay,

enough. Everybody, let's just eat.

I was reading this piece yesterday about how families never eat together

anymore. Because family life has become so fragmented and anti -social.

Really?

How interesting is this?

Did you know that Spartacus hid from the Romans in the volcano of Vesuvius?

Hiding in an active volcano? Well, that's either extremely clever or

fantastically stupid.

Just imagine what it'd be like to be in Pompeii when Vesuvius exploded.

Imagine being mummified in an embarrassing position.

Because you would have thought that at least one person would be on the toilet.

Well, if a volcano is exploding, I imagine most of the town would be on the

toilet. Did you know what the loudest bang ever recorded was?

You shutting the front door, I imagine.

Crack -a -toa. Well, this really makes a pleasant change, doesn't it? Us all

sitting down together having a lovely, sociable meal.

Oh, and Karen.

What?

I'll get it. No, no, no, no, you sit.

Where are you going?

I'm going to the toilet.

Bill? Yeah, sorry, the signal's rubbish here. No, please eat another lot. No,

don't be uncomfortable.

Bon appétit, everybody.

Mmm, this is delicious, Mother.

Oh, it's my absolute pleasure to cook for you.

Perhaps you'd like us to cook your meal tomorrow.

Really? Yes, that would be lovely.

Very lovely. And maybe somebody could do the washing up afterwards.

Let's call it a draw, shall we? What? I'm more tired than you, competition.

Shut up.

Do you think Jake's right? Do you think we have lost the plot as parents?

Isn't that self -righteous, please?

When I was his age, I was absolutely convinced that my parents were totally

wrong about everything.

Well, indeed they were, really.

I mean... The normal parenting techniques had never worked on Karen.

Not the blackmail, nor bribery, the threats.

She worked out it was all just a bluff at the age of three.

She gave us a contract at five.

Time. I remember.

The thing that worries me is the way she is with other kids.

I keep waiting for the penny to drop.

You know, if you want to make friends, you have to be friendly.

Maybe Jake's right. Maybe we need to tackle her more head -on.

Tackle her more head -on?

Yeah, try and control her.

Try and control her? Please stop doing that, please.

And we're not that bad as parents, are we?

The three of them make it to adulthood and none of them are in prison.

Our work is done.

I mean, we're not bad, bad.

Jake's exaggerating, isn't he?

We're more sort of middling rather than bad.

Jake's wrong about bad, isn't he?

Pete.

Oh, and we have a competition winner.

What the hell are you talking about? Computer cannot communicate with

It's there.

Foot away.

Did you get the chance to print up my novel?

No, this printer's playing up. Why don't you email it to Phil to get him to

print it out?

No, his printer's playing up. Maybe all the printers are ganging up on us. Maybe

it's a robot conspiracy to tip us all over into madness. It's just that Phil's

wife said that the budget deadline for new commissions... I will print out your

time -travelling samurai.

OK, it's just, at the moment, I'm trying to get this registration form done for

the... Of course, the firm are sending me on, which is tomorrow, so I think

that's slightly more pressing.

Mind you, if Bill gets a novel to his wife, and she likes it, and it gets

published, and it does well,

we could all be millionaires.

Oh, yeah. I was forgetting.

Oh, bloody hell, look at the time.

Karen!

You're going to miss your bath.

Dad, come check this out.

It's a thing that psychologists use. It's called the inkblot test.

Is that the one where they work out someone's innermost feelings by spilling

all over the table?

What? You spill ink all over the table.

Oh, yeah.

I was wondering about that.

Anyway, all you have to do is you have to see if you can find any shapes. I'm

busy. Go on.

What can you see?

I see mum.

Hmm. That's interesting. Because Freud thought that every man wanted to kill

their father and sleep with their mother. Yeah, well, Freud never met my

This is... So you can see your mum in this?

I did mum.

Your mum.

My wife. Look, I can see her face.

She's screaming.

She's screaming, what pracs built ink all over the table?

Hey, Karen, if you want to win the race, what you've got to do is visualisation.

You know, when you visually see yourself winning the race. Visually. Well, I'll

just wait until this afternoon and then I will see myself win this race.

Well, yes.

But today isn't all about the winning, is it?

It's about the taking part, isn't it?

It's about being part of a team.

Team player.

On a team.

I was looking up loads of that psychology stuff last night.

Something that's brilliant.

Have you heard about that bloke Ardy Lang?

Is he the one who thought that people's mental health could be improved if they

smeared their faeces all over the wall?

Yeah.

I'm going to find out more about him.

That is one of the most frightening things I've ever heard.

It's called camaraderie.

Everyone pulling together.

There's no I in team.

All for one and one... Let's just go.

Dad, can you look after my stuff?

Only I don't trust the other girls.

Some of them have got an agenda.

Especially that one.

Everything they tweeted about her.

You tweeted about her?

Yeah.

She gets offended very easily. Very sensitive.

Mostly the girls in my class are.

Listen, Karen, you're going to keep finding yourself in confrontations until

learn not to be so confrontational.

You're 11 now. You've got to learn a bit of self -control.

Well, I can't help being up front. That's who I am.

I've got to be me.

Made in Chelsea, this is the real world. You can't just go round telling

everyone what you think of them.

You and your real world.

Where are my goggles?

Oh, and by the way, if you win this seat, I really wouldn't do your K

signature move yeah but it will just antagonize your fellow competitors it

really get up their nose isn't it affect their performance exactly i know i'm

doing that

cybercraft

i hate them why can't you just spring any

chance of a bit more noise Take that up to

your room, then. Don't have internet connection up there.

He's been playing that for over an hour now. Oh, in the name of God.

You should be doing his schoolwork.

Oh, so you're on Ben Patrol now. I'm just saying, that's all.

Over an hour.

Ben! Can you stop playing with that now and start doing your homework?

Fair enough.

A child has just... on what I asked.

Oh.

What psychology?

You see, I told Mr Jacobs I wanted to take psychology in the sixth form. And

said that it's a bullshitter subject because the only reason people opted to

doing it is because they think the exams are going to be really easy.

Uh, well, he wears a bow tie, so he's not qualified to talk about anything.

Can you crack your knuckles?

No. Okay, let's try help.

Help is no help because the computer has gone offline.

Tony, Ibrahim says that girls really like boys who can make their knuckles

crack. Yeah, that is a well -known aphrodisiac, the sound of grinding

Why are you getting angry? I'm angry because I've just started a new job and

they're not going to take me very seriously if I can't even print out a

registration document.

Maybe you think that's why you're getting angry.

Eh? Freud reckons that when you get angry with something... You're really

getting angry with something else, something subconscious.

So you're getting angry with the printer because it represents Dad or Jake or...

Why can't you be the printer? I just chose you for an example. Why can't you

choose yourself as an example? You don't choose yourself as an example. This

printer is off at the wall.

Who the hell did that?

Oh, yeah, that was me. Sorry.

You're definitely the printer now.

You watched me struggle with that. I was turning it off and on again to try and

make it work.

I could kill you.

But is this really about me? Yes.

Yes, yes, this is definitely about you. Freud said that women were always more

angry because they didn't have a penis.

You're joking, aren't you? You could be statistically more angry. That's

absolutely bollocks. I'm angry because you turned the printer off at the wall.

lot of this aggression might stem from your children. What aggression?

I'm not aggressive.

What's all that noise?

That's just mum threatening to kill Ben.

How's Karen getting on?

Well, she won her heat, although she was nearly disqualified at the start.

What, for full start?

No, for sledging.

I couldn't quite hear what she was saying, but the gesture didn't look very

nice. Well, you'll have to have a word with her.

Yes, yes.

She's your responsibility.

OK, spare me the lecture.

Can you put your mum on? It has got nothing to do with breastfeeding.

Mum, it's Dad.

Oh, thanks.

Hiya. Did you print out those novel pages yet?

No, not quite yet.

The printer's been off at the wall and the computer's got... Oh, it's back.

OK.

How's Karen getting on? Is she interacting with the other kids?

Yes.

She won a heap, but there are some very fast girls in this final.

God knows what she'll do if she doesn't win.

Probably go on a gun spree.

OK, now, I'm in a file called Pete's Novels. I don't want to print out the

wrong... So is it called Amber Reflections?

No, that's the one about the psychic dwarf in the court of the Medicius.

Pluto's Feast?

That's the Etruscan general who befriends a blind wolf.

It's called Bushido, I think.

Or did they change that?

Oh, yes, got it. Bushido.

Right. Good luck with powering.

OK.

Mission control.

We have liftoff.

The humans have won.

Excuse me, sir.

Sir.

Do you mind not filming?

Are you not serious? I'm just filming my daughter.

Yes, but there are other children in the race, and without consulting their

parents, it's... Come on, no parent is going to object. Well, um, that one did.

Oh, for God's sake. It's the law of the land, mate.

No, it's not, Rumpole. It has no basis in law. There is nothing to stop me

filming my daughter at a swimming gala.

I'm getting better.

Almost got next door's cat.

He can make himself really big. Imagine if we could do that. You already have.

You're gigantic.

I know.

Can you please stop doing this?

OK, you can put me down. Thank you.

Does this still fit you?

Mm. It fit me a month ago.

I'll take that as a no.

Give the jokers a hand -me -down. Ha!

Lol.

OK, Jake, once you've finished that, I'll take you out for that driving

I still think I need a proper driving instructor.

Oh, don't be daft. It all costs money.

It'll be fine. You'll see. You'll have your licence by summer.

Well, I don't want to take my test too early.

Why? I don't want to be the first one in my lot driving, do I? I'll end up

ferrying everyone about everywhere.

It's no fun being a glorified taxi driver.

No.

No, it's not.

Anyway, we'd better get out soon before the traffic starts to build up.

Well... Oh, come on, it'll be fine. My dad taught me how to drive.

And then my uncle.

Why did your dad stop teaching you?

So basically, you're saying what happened in your driving lesson was

fault? Yeah, I had to break. I had no choice. If he'd been wearing his

and he'd had his dentures in properly, he would have been fine.

It was just, you know, an unfortunate accident.

No, this thing is accidents.

That's what psychologists reckon.

Is that right?

Yeah. What they mean is, like, remember when I was little and I had an accident

in Hastings?

What, when you fell off the pier?

Yeah, that must have happened for a reason. Yeah, and the reason was you

doing cartwheels on the handrail.

Maybe deep down I wanted to fall into the ocean.

Maybe it was all about some inner emotion I was suppressing.

When have you ever suppressed an emotion?

Do you know what?

I resent the suggestion that I am in some way a paedophile.

Well, you might be a paedophile. I am not a paedophile. Gentlemen, perhaps we

could move this discussion into my office. Listen, mate, you don't have to

like a paedophile to be a paedophile. I've been CRB'd. Sorry, did Jimmy Savile

look like a paedophile?

Well, yes.

Yes, he did, actually.

He looked about as pervy as it is possible for a human being to look.

nobody knew he was a Peter Poth.

Yes, they did.

Loads of people, hundreds of them. Look, can everybody stop mentioning Jimmy

Savile? I get this every bloody day.

I think you'll find this a well -known fact. Never mind what it says in your

daily mail. Excuse me, Jack. Sorry,

can we please?

I'm a teacher.

They're the worst, aren't they? Right, gentlemen, next to preach. If we could

exercise some self -control. Nobody even knows who this bloke is.

Hi. My name is Peter Brockman, and I am not, I repeat, not a paedophile.

Although I am a gay gypsy asylum seeker.

Did you take the piss? My office now, or I call the police.

I'll tell you something, mate. What I'm trying to do is throw my daughter

swimming. That's all I'm doing.

I'm doing what everybody here is thinking I'm actually doing. Is that

No.

Come on, let's go to the office. Let's sort this out in the office. Let's go.

What the... He's printed it all out in symbols.

What the hell has he done that for?

He's like, it starts in Japanese. It's full of asterisks and

exclamation marks. I should have kept an eye on it if it was going through.

Does your advice seem to never close?

Can I start again now?

That stupid novel has used up all the paper.

Hang on, there's no paper left.

There was a whole box of paper here yesterday.

Where the hell has it gone?

Oh, yeah. I might be able to help you with this.

I did print out some stuff on the Spartacus and Psychologist and knuckle

-cracking. So you're telling me that you've used up a whole box of paper

printing out material about... There was more on knuckle -cracking than I

expected. Oh, God.

I need to print out this registration form that the course of tomorrow... Why

it happening to me?

Maybe, deep down...

You want it to happen to you.

I'd run if I were you.

So, Karen recorded a personal best?

Yep. Brilliant.

Is she pleased?

Not really.

She came third.

Third?

Third. Oh, God.

Do you want a drink?

I've already got one, thanks.

Have you taken Jake out for his drive?

Yeah.

And how... We'll pay for an instructor.

With dual controls.

How long were you out there with him?

A thing like days.

Especially when we got onto the dual carriageway.

He took you on a dual carriageway?

Not intentionally.

He just suddenly turned left for no earthly reason.

I told you, he will never pass his test.

No, I don't know. His emergency stops were quite good.

Oh, did you get to print my novel off? Yeah, it's on the side.

Hiya. Hi. How was rehearsal?

Yeah, it was good.

Mr. Fathom Hill really likes my psychological interpretation of

You know, how he's only rebelling against Rome because he really wants

approval.

Right.

I can't give this to Phil's wife to read. Look at it. It's gone blind.

Well, I'm sorry, but that was the only paper left, OK?

It hasn't even got to the bit where the samurai teams up with Gandhi. Where's

the rest of it?

The printer broke.

Broke? Yeah.

It was an accident.

There are no accidents. He had it coming.

Does no one in this family have any self -control?

No.

Karen came third.

I'm afraid so.

Look, I think all we can do is keep positive and give her as much emotion.

hello. Hey, well done on today.

Personal best. That's brilliant.

Yeah, brilliant.

It's quite an achievement to do.

Ben!

Ben? Help!

Honestly. Sorry.

I was just trying to lighten things up. People aren't always in the mood to be

ensnared in a net.

So you can't sit down.

Yeah. No.

PB, that's something to be proud of. Did they give you a medal?

She left it behind.

In the bin.

Well, I suppose even champions lose sometimes. But the mark of a true

is whether you can accept defeat gracefully.

Did you?

Except to peep gracefully. Yes.

Apart from demanding a drugs test.

That girl had shoulders like a gorilla. And dropping out of the relay team. Oh,

Karen, honestly.

And do you let her get away with that? I can't physically force someone to swim,

can I? Well, I saw Bradley Wiggins doing an interview, and he says that you

actually learn more from the feet.

Well, that's very true. You work out why you didn't win. I know why I didn't

win. Good.

It's because of the family.

Eh? You all wrecked my confidence.

I think that... Him with his visualising, and you with your long

can never follow, and Dad with his banging on about self -control, and then

telling everyone that he's a gypsy gay asylum seeker.

That was irony.

Not everyone got it.

It's no wonder that I lost.

Maybe you wanted to lose.

I lost because I come from a family of losers.

Well, thanks for that.

I've got to go and watch Pointless.

This is exactly what I need. She needs someone to lay down some boundaries,

spell out some reality.

Be our guest.

Oh, someone has to. Well, you're clearly the man for the job, being such a

parenting expert.

All right, then I will.

Listen, Karen, you need to have a long, hard look at yourself because this life

doesn't owe you a living, you know?

And it's not a one -way street because it goes two ways.

Not one.

And it doesn't revolve around you like you're some kind of roundabout.

Like he understands about roundabouts.

Oh, African countries beginning with a B.

Botswana, Burundi.

Burundi. Burundi.

Burundi. Burundi. Burundi.

Burundi.

Burundi. How long should we leave him in there with her? Till his spirit breaks.

Belgian Congo.

What I'm really saying is you have to be prepared to make people

halfway and not make the world come to you all the way.

This is drivel. Now, that is exactly what I mean, Karen. That is... Stop it.

Mum! Dad!

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