Original subtitles

No, no, I pressed seven, but the man on seven said I had to press three, and

you're three.

No.

No. Well, the point is, you have sent me a bill I can't possibly pay.

I can't pay it, because it is for the sum of zero pounds, zero

zero pence.

So, uh, I'm just notifying you that...

What do you mean I've got to pay it?

I've got to pay you the sum of zero pounds, or else the computer won't

understand.

OK, fine.

I'll do it. But can I suggest that you employ a computer that isn't on the

autism spectrum?

No, that's all.

Thank you.

So, how are we doing, team?

Cardigan? I feel like a ball of electricity.

It's like being one of the X -Men.

Knitwear woman.

And how was school?

Still there.

Ow!

Cheerier than yesterday.

Yeah. She should have settled in by now.

I thought once the first term was over she'd be OK, but... Big school takes a

lot of getting used to. It took me months to start making friends.

I remember one day the other kid grabbed my scarf and threw it on the railway

line.

And then my shoes.

And my trousers.

And my underpants.

And there was another time at the sports ground. Is this going to be the

anecdote about the time you got lashed to the roof of the minibus?

Possibly. OK.

The big thing she's struggling with is not being the star turn. I mean...

Academically, these kids are much stronger.

I don't know, maybe we've got the wrong school. Maybe we should have sent them

to St Mungo's. Maybe.

I've heard horror stories.

About St Mungo's?

Well, Frank Pringle says that his son has already been offered drugs twice.

Once by an RE teacher.

Do you think we've made the right choice?

Well, we'll never know for certain.

Besides, is it the school that's the problem, or is it her? She's not

Hiya!

Why do they always slam the door like that?

Every time.

Can you not slam the door?

Did I slam it? Yes.

The windows are still rattling.

A bit late.

I had an audition.

For the lower school show.

It's a musical. I bet it's Oliver.

Yeah, the Oliver. Schools always do Oliver.

No, Spartacus.

A musical about Spartacus?

Yeah. I didn't know there was a musical about Spartacus.

There isn't, yeah.

Mr Farthingwell's writing it.

Mr Farthingwell.

The new music teacher.

The one that let Ben borrow the school drum kit over Christmas.

Oh, yes.

I remember.

Anyway, it's going to be awesome there. Songs, gladiator fights, and we have a

tea battle.

And you're auditioning for a singing part.

Yeah. That involves singing.

Yeah.

Well, good for you. That's really great that you're having a crack at...

Something outside your comfort zone.

But just, you know, just remember that an audition can be... You know, there's

always a chance that you might be disappointed.

It won't bother me if I don't get a part.

Mr Farthingwell says if I don't get a part, I can do the lights.

The lights?

With electricity?

Yeah. I really like Mr Farthingwell.

He has some really big ideas.

In his last film, he put on a musical about Samuel Rushdie.

Right.

And how did that go?

Fine. He had to have a policeman outside his house for a few months, but...

Listen to this.

The Romans were so frightened of Spartacus and his rebels that they

evacuate Rome.

Well, that's the Italian army for you.

Racist joke.

How is that a racist joke?

No, maybe you're right. Maybe it was just racist.

I'm not racist again. I'm just saying, you purely assuming that all Italians

cowards is racist. I'm not saying all Italians are cowards. I'm going to pick

fight with...

Paolo Di Canio. You wouldn't have to pick a fight with Paolo Di Canio. He

pick a fight with you. So... I'm not a racist. I'm not criticising you. I'm

saying. It's unfortunate that you have to be burdened with that mindset.

He's got a point, Deb.

You can't help it. You know that story you tell about Mr Patel at the

newsagents? You can't tell that story without doing this weird wobbling with

your head.

He wobbles his head.

So why is that funny? Why do you laugh at it? Why is it funny?

It just is funny. OK, fine. Well, why don't you ever make... You do.

What I would consider racist things. How about your video games? They're racist.

Well, how are they racist?

You have a towel head count.

All right, boys, let's... Ow!

What? Why is it... Maybe it's you.

Me? Maybe it's not the cardigan. Maybe it's you. Maybe your body's, you know,

especially... static -y.

Static -y?

Yeah. Pete Brockman, man of science.

Hey, Dad, look at Beckham's latest tattoo.

God, what does he look like? He looks good.

Used to be only sailors got tattooed.

And now every morning on the Tube, I'm surrounded by human billboards with

snakes peeping out of their sleeve.

In 40 years' time, we will be the most unattractive nation on the planet.

Everyone will be covered in very wrinkly...

Shaggy reptiles. I reckon anyone who gets a tattoo needs a brain transplant.

You've got a tattoo, haven't you?

What? You've got a tattoo?

Yeah. Where?

In Camden Town. On your body!

Oh, right.

It's just behind my right shoulder.

For God's sake! Come on, then.

Show us the damage.

What were you thinking of?

Honestly.

OK, first question. What the hell is it?

Looks like a...

It's the ancient Persian word for peace.

What possessed you?

It was an impulse. We were in Camden Market. You were in Camden Market and

suddenly decided to get a tattoo. What are you, a German tourist?

No. How much did it cost?

Actually, it was really cheap.

That explains the green edges.

What? The edges are green.

Oh, right, yeah. He said to start with there might be some discolouration.

Right, a cheap tattoo parlour.

Smart move, Jake.

Oh, I'm sorry, but all the Harley Street tattooists were booked up.

Hey, neat spider.

It's not a spider.

It's ancient Persian.

A sucker. I made a fashion choice. A hat is a fashion choice.

Carving into your body. Mum, I'm 17.

I'm old enough to decide to die for my country. I can choose to get a tattoo.

Well, you're not very likely to die for your country. Although you are quite

likely to die from septicemia.

It's just a tattoo. It's not genocide.

You concentrate on the littlest one because you think she's the one with the

problems and then the one that virtually an adult goes and does something

stupid.

Do you think Ben will be all right if he doesn't get a part in that show?

He's more sensitive than he lets on and everybody forgets he's only 13 because

he's so... Bloody huge.

Oh, he'll be fine.

Well, it involves singing.

You don't have to be able to sing to be in a musical. Russell Crowe proved that.

But Ben's got a voice like a walrus.

Again, Russell Crowe, poorly miserable.

Listen, you've got to stop worrying about everyone, OK?

I'm OK.

Yeah, she's OK.

You OK?

Er, I'm a bit worried about something.

Oh, why? OK.

Well, come on, let's chat about it, sweetheart.

It's been worrying me for weeks.

Whatever the problem is.

I'm certain we can sort it out.

It's about Tommy.

Tommy the hamster?

Yeah. Why are you stuck under the floorboards?

Look, I think we're going to have to be realistic about this, darling. He

disappeared down that hole two months ago, and even if he is trapped by now...

There was that factory that collapsed in Bangladesh, and they found that woman

weeks after it collapsed. on her still alive so we can't give up on dummy i

really don't think there's anything we can do you said whatever the problem was

you were certain that you could sort it out yeah but that was not no

what i meant was any problem of a non -hamster

related nature

We did everything we could possibly do at the time, didn't we? We made a

thorough search of the house. We put all those pictures of him up on the

lampposts. You called Chris Packham on Autumn Watch and at his home.

I really don't think there's anything constructively that we can do.

Well, we could take up the floorboard.

What?

Taking up the floorboards might be a little bit expensive.

How much would it cost?

About 2 ,000 hamsters' worth.

Look, I'll tell you what, your dad and I will have a think about it and we'll

see what we can come up with, OK?

OK.

What did you say that for?

Well, she's had such a difficult time lately, I didn't want to upset her any

more. So what do you suggest? Because now she's not going to be happy until

hamster is the focus of an international rescue effort and live reports from all

the Garen.

It's not about the hamster.

Is it? No, it's her anxiety about school coming out sideways. We don't have to

do anything. We just have to be sympathetic.

So all that stuff you said, that was... Bullshit.

Oh. OK, fair enough.

I need to pick a piece from my audition.

Could I try some out on you? I was thinking that I'm going to go with the

Whitney Houston song, I Will Always Love You.

Right.

That... That's quite high.

Is it? Yeah, there are quite a few... top notes.

I'm sure you can hit, Ben.

Yeah. I'll be in the shed if anyone wants me.

Stay and listen if you want. Oh, no.

No, I've got a tin ear. Your mum, she's the musical one.

I'll catch you later.

Could you just buy me that cardigan? There's a bit of a draft in here.

Oh, dear.

You must be static -y.

What are you doing?

It's quarter past midnight.

What do you make of this?

I sent an email to Karen's form tutor, telling her that Karen didn't want to

next to this girl Dion because she finds her disruptive.

And the form tutor's emailed back, saying that she takes my point, but she

Running out of classmates who Karen is prepared to sit next to.

That's a fair comment, isn't it? It just got me thinking, that's all.

Maybe Karen isn't the only one who's having problems settling. Maybe it's a

general problem.

And then I thought there's a quick way to find out. Which is? Ask the other

parents. So I'm sending them all an email.

You've got to say no.

What? You cannot send an email at 12 .15.

Why not? Because you will start one of those late -night email...

Firestorms. Don't be ridiculous.

You should never ever send an email asking someone's opinion after 11 o

at night.

Well, actually, I've already sent it.

That's insane.

All I've done is ask for the input of 30 or so adults. Many of whom will have

half a bottle of Merlot inside them and be just itching to pour out their

gripes. Rubbish! This is exactly the kind of group consultation that email is

perfect for.

There you are. I've already got a reply.

That's a lot of capital letters, isn't it?

Well, she's obviously a concerned mother who's a bit upset about

the fact that the school has failed to make the connection between her child's

pyromania and the fact that she is exceptionally gifted.

Right.

Oh, there's another one. Whoa!

Look at the exclamation marks on that.

Well, again, he's a... Confirmed father? Who's a bit concerned about the quality

of the teaching staff.

It's the first time I've seen the word wanker spelt with a Z.

Oh, you've got another five replies.

No, six.

You have hit a grievance gusher.

You're not replying, are you? You can't not reply to a reply. That's rude.

You've already poked the hornet's nest. You don't want to carry on whacking it.

In a way, this response is quite reassuring because Karen is obviously

only one with parents who are concerned. I'm not concerned.

I'm going to bed.

Thirteen.

Fourteen.

Fifteen.

Sixteen.

Thing of the king, the coasters.

I'll tell you a way to make friends at New School, Karen.

Do something mental. I don't do mental.

My second day, I got this huge tray and I sledged down the roof of the music

block. After that, I had tons of friends.

And a surgical collar.

Yeah, got them all to sign it.

Why don't you join a band, Karen? That's a good way to make friends. Or you

could, like, be the funny girl. You could, like, create all the jokes and

and you could make, like, a song up about your teacher and then put it on

internet. But remember...

Wear a mask or something, because, well, I didn't. And you need to hide your

identity. How's the shoulder, spider boy?

Fine. You good?

How about you, Karen? How are you? Raring to go?

Double English today. You like English, don't you?

Dad, I did some research.

There are these things called thermal imaging cameras.

We could hire one.

Karen, Tommy's gone. He's not going to survive for two months on his own.

Why not? Because he's a hamster, not Bear Grylls. All right, all right.

are domestic pets. You don't see David Attenborough documentaries about

roaming the open plains. OK, that's... Tommy's natural environment is a wheel.

You're just grumpy because your spider's going green. It's not a spider!

Oh, jeez, look at the sun. Come on, Karen, chop, chop, cos you're going to

your bath.

And no fluorescent socks!

Better check the travel news.

See if the district man's found him sick again.

Why didn't you send Karen to the same school as me and Jake?

Well, every child is different.

Yeah, no two kids are the same.

She just said that.

Yeah, and I was reinforcing it. I mean, it was a tight decision. Yes. We felt

that... On balance, the school Karen's at is known for

having lots of structure.

Structure, that's right. And the school is a school with a more scholastic...

So in the end, we felt that Karen would perhaps benefit from being challenged,

academically speaking.

Are you saying she's brighter than us? No. Not at all? No, nowhere. No, because

what we actually are saying is that every child has different needs.

And one chooses a school which is best tailored to that.

Child's needs.

Better shift.

I think they bought it.

Ben? Nah, the slam wasn't deafening enough.

What are you doing?

Psychology essay.

Well, watching TV, listening to music.

And Facebooking. Mm -hm.

And multitasking. There's no such thing as multitasking. Just doing lots of

things badly.

The correct term is multi -failing.

Warrior returns.

Feed me rice!

Pete, this is Esme.

Hello, Mr. Bachman.

Hi, Esme.

Er, tea?

That's encouraging.

She's invited a friend home.

I invited her.

Yeah, I overheard her mum.

struggling with some pick -ups on the phone. So I volunteered to have Henry

a bit, you know, for a bit of bonding.

So, girls, how was school today?

Anything exciting happen?

All very quiet, Karen?

She got a 4L in English.

Well, that doesn't sound so bad. No, it is.

Well, I... Then...

Karen, it's a very good position to improve from. And then she argued with

teacher about her bad mark. And because she kept arguing, we missed most of our

break. Well, she's a horrible teacher. She's obsessed with apostrophes.

Apostrophes are important.

No, they're not. Everyone gets them wrong and they slow you down when you're

texting. You need punctuation. If you didn't have punctuation, the words would

just crash into each other. You need colons, you need semicolons. Really?

A colon's very important.

If you didn't have a colon, you wouldn't be able to put a smiley face at the end

of your text messages. Nice. The punctuation is stupid. It's just trying

Let's not get sidetracked, shall we?

The thing is, Karen, you go to a school where there are a lot of bright kids and

it's important that you don't measure yourself against anyone else. You must

always just measure yourself against yourself.

How can you measure something against itself? It would just be the same size.

What was the exact mark?

49 cents.

Well, that's midway.

It's slightly lower than that, actually. Yes, thank you, Esme. You're clearly

very good at maths.

I am quite good.

They asked me to mentor Karen because she's struggling a bit.

Who wants some ice cream?

Ice cream?

Yes, please.

Esme? Oh, no, she can't have any because she's lactose intolerant.

Isn't that a shame?

Kate? Oh, no, not that either. It's got nuts and so her face will go like...

And then they'll have to stab her with an EpiPen.

I'm home!

What has that door ever done to you?

What? Uh, Ben, there's me.

So, how did the audition go with the, uh, singing?

Brilliant. Good, right. So, so you got a part?

Yeah. Right, which one?

I'm Spartacus. No, I'm Spartacus. I'm Spartacus.

I'm going to hear that joke a lot, aren't I?

That's brilliant, Ben. So...

So is that, um, is that a big part?

I'm Spartacus in a musical called Spartacus. No, of course, sorry, no, but

so that's the lead?

Yeah. And, um, does the lead sing songs?

Does the lead sing songs in a musical? Yeah, I know, I, what I meant, does the

lead sing many songs?

Yeah, loads.

Right.

But this father -in -law says he didn't cast me because of my voice.

You cast me for my sense of attack.

What, the way you attack the song?

No, the way I attack the other gladiators, my trident.

Are we having ice cream? Yeah, apart from Esme.

He's lactose intolerant.

Well, scoot me in.

How was your day at school, Karen?

She got a written warning for non -regulation socks.

Yeah, well... And a poor mark in English.

Well, the midterm marks don't really count for much. They do.

We have continued... Shall I drive you home, Esme?

Um, I'm not sure my mum's home yet. That's all right. We can wait in the

Bye -bye, Esme. Goodbye, Mr Brotman.

There you go.

Madame's ice cream.

What flavour is it?

Your favourite.

Lemon and badger.

I wish Esme hadn't gone.

I wanted to eat this in front of her.

Really slowly.

Yeah, I know.

You know, being a star student, it's not the be -all and end -all.

Churchill, Winston Churchill, not the insurance dog.

He never came top at school. In fact, most of the time, he came bottom, but

didn't stop him leading Britain to victory in the war.

Well, maybe if he'd studied harder, the war wouldn't have taken him so long to

win.

Oh.

Fair point.

You haven't been firing off more emails to parents, have you? No, I was just

acknowledging an email from the school about the inset day. All right.

Non -intervention. That's always the best policy.

Look at Tony Blair.

Thought he could solve the world's problems.

Now everyone hates him.

Mind you, I hated him from the start.

Too many teeth.

So what was Esme's mum like?

Well, sort of as you'd expect, really.

She thinks Esme isn't being stretched enough.

I'd like to stretch her.

On a rack.

Made of peanuts.

When I was at school, I had a kid like her.

Got sent to Colchester.

Coventry? No.

They stuck him in a crate and sent him to Colchester.

It's a bit of a worry, though, isn't it?

Karen being less popular than a girl like Esme.

I feel so helpless, don't you?

It's because of our programming.

Eh? We've had generations of parents who've been conditioned to think that

everything should revolve around our kids.

When I was a kid, my dad and my uncle took me to watch football. Then

afterwards, they went to the pub and left me in the car outside.

Every hour or so, they brought me a bottle of Tizer.

They locked me in the car, obviously. They weren't irresponsible.

But what would have happened if the car caught fire?

I hadn't thought of that.

Of course, yeah.

And that was better, was it?

Abandoning children and death trap.

I'm just saying that in those days, your parents just left you alone.

Yeah. I suppose we do get too involved in their lives.

My parents didn't even help me with my homework, let alone do it for me.

Oh, have you set me alarm?

Yeah, 7 .15.

Oh, no, I need to get off at 7. No, it's all right, because I've started setting

this clock 15 minutes fast.

Why? Because then, when I get up, it's a nice surprise when I realise I've got

more time than I thought I had.

Right.

Well, that explains why I've been getting to work so early.

What's this?

Spartacus the movie. I'm doing research. He just ambushed the Romans with

flaming logs.

I'm going to mention that.

To Mr. Farthingwell as a possible finale.

See that chin?

Kirk Douglas.

We had proper film stars back then. Proper men.

None of you pasty -faced pretty boys are all cheekbones and can only play

vampires.

You left out the bit about how tigers weren't built by computers.

Well, I'm still saying that life with Pi would have been a lot more exciting if

we'd been trapped in that boat as a real tiger.

Certainly not shorter.

They've only sent me a reminder for zero pounds and zero zero pence. It's

unbelievable.

Dad?

Yeah?

Um, I was considering the option of maybe having the tattoo removed.

Oh, right.

Yeah, so, I mean, any idea how much a tattoo removal might cost?

No, because I've never been dim enough to get myself tattooed. And the answer

your next question is no. You're going to have to pay for it out of your own

money.

What's all this?

That's some quotes from a company who hire out thermal imaging cameras.

She's not still banging on about that hamster, is she? Yeah, she's pretty

for someone who's too bright to go to our school.

You're right.

They didn't bite.

So where is the girl, tunnelling under the floorboards?

Um, no, she's up in her room. She's had a few problems today.

What were these problems?

Well... Do you remember when I acknowledged the school email about the

day? Yeah.

Well, I sort of added a little addendum just to say that if Karen

was to be punished for the sock thing, then I felt the school dress code should

be enforced consistently because I've seen lots of girls wearing black

Right. Well, it seems that the school took it on board because apparently

a lot of the kids were punished for not wearing the proper school uniform.

How is it Karen's problem?

Well, it's like this.

So I sent the secretary the email, but accidentally, by mistake, I also sent it

to the parents of Karen's classmate.

It's so easily done, but the really unfortunate bit is that one of the

parents, rather irresponsibly in my view,

Obviously mentioned it to one of the kids.

And Karen has been on the receiving end of quite a lot of verbal abuse today.

We've talked about this, haven't we? We've talked about the dangers of the

to intervene.

I know.

This is Tony Blair.

You are Tony Blair. I'm not Tony Blair.

Yes, you are. You went charging in. According to the wiki, Spartacus is from

Thracia. So I'm going to work on singing in a Thracian accent.

Just as soon as I find out where Greta is.

Intervention.

Inferiority. I clicked on the wrong thing.

Everybody's done it. It was late. I was multitasking. There is no such thing as

multitasking. Choose your next words very carefully because they could be

last.

It will blow over in the end.

I'll go up and talk to her.

You'll put in a good word for me, won't you? Of course.

Ow! Right, that's it!

I heard you had a bit of a bad day.

I'm not going into school tomorrow.

Oh, come on. I'm not going.

Mum didn't mean to cause you problems.

It's just that sometimes things turn out badly, even if they're done with good

intentions.

Like, um, well... Do you remember when Ben decided to surprise Mum on Mother's

Day? With a lovely cooked breakfast.

You probably don't remember, you're very little.

Remember being carried by a fireman?

Well, that is a classic example. You see, Ben thought that he was doing

something very kind and thoughtful, but he ended up with everyone getting very

cross. Mum was cross with Ben, the fireman got cross with Mum, I got cross

the man from the insurance company who tried to argue that Ben qualified as an

act of God.

But it all began with good intentions.

Well, try telling that to the morons at my school.

Did you call them morons?

Yes. Did that make them back off? No.

No.

Generally, telling people they're morons doesn't really help.

Especially if they're morons.

Because morons are notoriously slow to catch on.

But how am I going to get them out of my face? I've got to do something.

Listen, the best thing to do is just ignore them.

Sometimes a bad day will come along, but when it does, what we have to do is we

have to dust ourselves down, we have to get up, and we have to face the world.

Okay? Okay.

Everything will be fine. We'll see.

Can I tell them that it's your mum's fault for being an interfering idiot?

Okay, but this conversation never happens.