Original subtitles

Well, hello, babes.

Hey, Charlie.

It's almost time.

Why don't you come with us, Charlie?

I want you to give it to us, Charlie.

We're all here waiting.

We're so desperate for you to give them that damn good experience.

Take your top off.

What's that, Charlie?

Oh, take a sexy top off, please.

Oh, yeah.

You're so kinky, Charlie.

But it's time for you to get up now.

Come meet us at nude camp.

Yeah, I'll be there real soon.

Take your top off, come on. Come on, quickly now.

Come to me, Charlie.

Yeah, come on.

It's time to get up.

Charlie. Oi, Charlie.

It's Lady Martin.

It's time to get up.

I stay here.

You pervert.

Are you touching yourself?

maybe she wouldn't have been getting all freaky and moist with your fucking

neighbour.

Is Billy up yet?

How the hell am I supposed to know?

Well, I don't know, maybe because he's your son and he lives in your house.

He is 40 years old.

I stopped wiping his arse almost 10 years ago.

What the fuck do I care where he is?

I'm just going to go and get ready.

I wasn't even hitting on your missus. Your bad.

Oh, Rodney, don't be like that.

Go away.

It doesn't matter anyway.

I'm going on holiday where there's tons of hot babes. I'll be tripping over

them.

The only thing you'll be tripping over, Billy, is your own feet you're trying to

get. Oh, how dare you!

Time to get up.

It's holiday time.

It's time for us to shag lots and lots of hot, naked babes.

You couldn't shag your way out of a condom packet.

Knowing you, you'd blow your load before you got it on.

I'm just going to freshen up.

I'll see you down by the car.

My bloody drains are kicking up again.

Don't worry.

I'll still have some left for you when I get back.

What's the time?

Ah, lost my fucking watch.

Don't want to be late.

He'll give himself another bun, huh?

Please stop looking at my penis, Mrs Cockburn!

I'm just waiting for it to go off.

Sometimes I wonder why you and my boy have been best friends for so long.

I know.

It's because you're both as fucking dumb as each other.

I'm off now, Mrs. Cockburn.

Billy, you're here. I thought you'd still be in a drunken slumber.

No, not me.

I'm ready to go and find the babes.

Have you been out all night again without me?

No.

Why would you say such a thing? Oh, your breath.

I could light a match and flumber in your mouth.

Oh, don't be silly, Charlie. You know I'd never go out without you.

And anyway, you've got a lifetime ban from the Dog and Biscuit, so you

have come with me anyway.

I told them it was a bloody accident, but they wouldn't listen.

Don't worry about it, Charlie.

I wasn't wearing a belt that day and my trousers fell down. But they fell down

more than once, didn't they? Like I said, I wasn't wearing a belt. And if it

wasn't for you shouting, come and get it if you're horny, babes, while waving

your tiny privates around all over the place, your story may well be justified.

Billy, I don't want to talk about this. We're just about to start our journey to

nude camp.

Yeah. Are you sure you're safe enough to drive?

Yeah. What, you need them?

No, they're for seeing.

Oh.

Well done, Billy.

You've outdone yourself this time, getting this holiday for us.

Nude camp.

Wow.

We're really doing it.

We're going to see lots of hot, naked women everywhere.

Everywhere? This nudist camp won't know what's hit it when we arrive.

It's no good.

We're going to have to pull over. I need to relieve myself again.

Control yourself, Charlie.

Save it for the hot babes.

No, no, I need a poo.

Oh, can you hold on a few miles?

We've got a long way to go.

Yeah.

Oh, I can't wait to see that lovely beach.

Oh, sea, sun and... Shad?

Yeah!

Oh hey Charlie, might you come join me at the bar for a drink?

We can get really drunk together and maybe I can take my top off.

We're going to crash.

We're going to crash.

We're going to fucking crash.

Please pull over.

I need to change my underpants.

I can't believe we're going on holiday.

Finally, something good is happening to me.

Or to us.

Keely leaving me for my neighbour.

Sleeping on your mum's couch.

You're still living with your mum.

My God, we're pathetic bastards, aren't we?

Speak for yourself.

I may live at home with my mum, but it's a lifestyle choice.

What? You could go to the pub and get drunk every night?

You're living the dream.

Well, it could be worse.

How so?

My missus could have been shagging my neighbour for months behind my back

because she couldn't put up with my premature ejaculation anymore and needed

real man.

I'll have you know it's a very common condition.

Maybe so.

But she could at least touch it before it goes off, Charlie. From what I

You could probably still be a virgin.

Oh, enough of this nonsense, Billy. I mean, let's not argue about this.

If we're going to fight, why don't we fight over who's going to get the best

-looking babe?

Agreed. I just want us to have a better life.

A place of our own.

Well, not together, of course. I mean, that would be weird.

I know what you mean.

I could do a little place of my own with a great big bar in the corner.

So you'd like to live in a pub then?

Yeah.

This is good.

Us going on an adventure together.

And at such a low price.

How did you get such a good deal, Billy?

I won it on a bet at the pub.

Of course you did. It's quite funny, really. We bet tipsy Pete that he

hold vodka in his mouth and set fire to it. And did he do it?

Technically, yes.

But... Tipsy Pete had been drinking from 6am that morning and his insides were

kind of volatile and he burped and droplets of fire came out of his mouth

onto his shell suit and he went up like an Olympic flame.

My God, that sounds dangerous.

But wait, you said you betted against him?

Yeah.

So he did it?

That means you lost the bet? Yeah.

But in the middle of all the kerfuffle of everyone trying to put him out, his

holiday tickets fell out of his pocket.

And I took them.

So you didn't win the bet.

You stole it.

That's a technicality.

We're going to nude camp.

That's a good thing.

Yeah.

I can't wait.

That's the spirit.

Wow.

Nude camp.

I wonder what our caravan will be like.

Well, it's got to be better than living with my mum.

Yeah.

And how is Tipsy Pete?

Is he okay now?

His funeral's on Tuesday.

Poor bastard.

Oh, we're nearly there yet.

Look, Charlie.

Nude camp.

We've made it.

We've made it.

Bloody hell, Billy, look at the sign.

The naked babes are just up there.

Come on. I'll reach you. Oh, no, wait.

We've got to check in first.

Don't be too eager. We've got all week. And besides, you don't want to have to

clean yourself up again because we all know what happens when you get too

excited.

True.

Maybe you're right.

Play it cool.

Come on.

Welcome, boys.

Welcome to Nude Camp.

I'm Mrs Twinkle, the owner.

Now, did you have a good trip?

Excellent. Apart from my good friend here, who had a giant shit in his pants.

My friend likes to tell jokes that are neither funny nor true.

Do you have your tickets?

What are these?

Our tickets.

They're burnt.

We know.

Right, just give me a moment.

Excuse me, miss.

It says on our tickets that there's a nude beach here, is there?

That's right.

Nude beach is about a mile's walk from here.

But you've come out of season. It's January, so it's going to be pretty cold

not very busy.

But it's a lovely little beach.

You know what this means, don't you?

No. Nipples the size of golf balls.

Cool.

Right. You're all checked in.

Now, there's a games area over that side.

There's the showers and the changing rooms too.

And as you can see...

We've got a lovely little bar area.

Excellent.

Enjoy your stay, boys.

Thank you. We will.

Oh, er... Our key?

Sorry?

To our caravan?

We'll need a key.

This is a campsite.

Nude campsite.

If you want the caravan park, that's opposite. That's nothing to do with me.

Bloody idiot.

I thought it was a caravan site.

No, sorry.

But we haven't got a tent.

Please, please, you've got to help us.

We can't go back to skipping on his mum's couch again.

We've come so far to turn back so soon.

Don't worry, boys.

I'll dig you out now an old tent from the lost and found. There's bound to be

one somewhere.

Thank you.

Good job, Billy.

Nice little tent.

Where's mine?

This is it.

What?

But that's tiny.

I mean, I've got underpants that are bigger than that.

Well, that's not going to fit in there.

It's disgusting.

Well, I like it less than you do.

And have you looked around?

What? Where are all the nude babes?

Well, actually, where are any babes, clothed or otherwise?

Well, it is cold. It's getting late. I'm sure there'll be loads of naked babes

all over the beach tomorrow.

Oh, yes.

Nude beach.

Yes.

There'll be none of that if we're sleeping in that.

God, I'm starving.

Look what I found lying around.

Perfect. Have you got a tin opener?

So let me get this straight.

We haven't got a caravan.

We've got to sleep in that tiny little thing. And all we've got to eat is a tin

of baked beans as our main meal tonight.

And we can't bloody open it. But I have found this massive knife.

Don't say another word.

Just pass me the knife. Why?

Just pass me the knife.

I'm gonna look for a tin opener

It's alright Billy.

I forgive you.

Say that to our bloody tent.

What now?

At least it's not raining.

We're here in Newtown waiting for you, Charlie.

I got bored waiting.

Do you mind if I play with myself?

Please.

Rosie, please.

Oh, yeah.

I don't mind.

Hey, Charlie.

Can we... Weird.

Kinky.

Yeah, do it again.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

One more.

Oh, one more time.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

For God's sake, Charlie.

You need some help.

Well... Not... A bloody word.

I was going to say, shall we hit the nude beach?

Don't do that. That's just weird.

Breathe in that fresh sea air, Billy.

I can smell babes.

Yeah, we must be near the nudist beach.

We're here, Charlie.

all the naked babes?

I don't know. I don't understand.

Well, shall we just take a quick dip as we're here? I need a poo.

Oh, God. Can this holiday get any worse?

I mean, where are all the naked babes?

I'm going back.

Billy, I'm going to go back. I'm going to give Mrs Twinkletits a piece of my

mind.

Just a quick dip. I'm busting.

Move it.

Excuse me. Excuse me. Mrs. Pimple.

Yes?

We want to complain.

Oh. Oh, really?

Yes. This has to be the worst place we have ever stayed in. Firstly, our tent

utterly crap.

You mean the tent I lent you because you, Egypt, didn't realise you were

on a cum site. Is that correct?

Yes. Oh, God. And another thing, where on earth are all the naked babes? Excuse

me.

Hence on the sign, Nude Camp.

Hence the name, Nude Camp.

I'm seen so much as a pew.

I mean, I've been to some bad establishments in my time, but this is

false advertising.

I mean, I would good mind to report you to the authorities, or I could leave a

bad review on Bing, or Ask Jeeves, or something.

Where is all the posse?

shout at me, you sad, pathetic piece of shite.

Seriously, did you fuckers ever go to school past the stage of crayon and

fence? Now, hang on.

Shut up, sweetheart.

I've got skid marks that are more manly than you.

And the same goes for you, you eejit.

Do you know where you are?

Where the fuck does it say that this is a notice camp?

On the bloody ticket. And it's on your T -shirt.

See, Nordkamp has its name because it's in the village of Nord.

N -O -R -D.

Not Nord as in naked.

Hang on, Charlie. Let me take this one.

Hello, love.

Forgive my friend here. He's a bit slow.

So, just for his sake, what you're saying is there are no naked babes here

at all?

Get the hell out of my campsite. This was a fine establishment before you two

idiots came along.

Really?

Right, that's it. I've had enough of you sad virgins now. Get out. Get

out.

How the hell did you manage to walk and talk at the same time?

Look at you. You're middle -aged. You haven't got a pot of piss in. You've

here hoping to see naked women like sad perverts.

If I wasn't so disgusted, I'd feel sorry for you. I mean you.

You're obviously single.

Do you come in your pants a lot?

Do you arrive before you start, do you?

You're a right pair of nonsense.

And as for you, you've probably been living on benefits your whole life. Do

still live at home with your mammy?

Mrs. O 'Kerry, how do you know all of this?

I don't, but I could smell the desperation before you arrived in the

Now, get out and you'll not get no fucking refund.

You're an insult to agents.

Now, let's not get overexcited. I mean, just let us stay and we'll call the

whole thing off. Help me.

Help me.

You've really done it this time, Charlie.

Not only do you get on everyone's tits, but look!

What?

What's she doing now?

She's having a heart attack, Charlie.

Help!

Get help!

Do something!

This is CPR, isn't it? You're beating the shit out of her. Well, I don't know.

I've not done it before.

Clearly. Why don't you do something? Why don't you call an ambulance or

something?

Okay.

Hang on, Mrs Twinkle.

Don't you die on us yet, you bitch.

Oh, God.

Quick, Billy. Do something.

Full name, my love.

Your full name?

We need you to sign this little contract for us. Billy, what the hell are you

doing? Okay.

Mrs Twinkle will have to do. Billy!

I'm trying to get her to sign the campsite over to us. Now, you guide her

while I hold the paper.

Do no such thing.

We're losing her, Charlie.

She said some horrible things.

Mainly... Because they were all true.

Now you have a choice.

You can either go back to my mum's couch with no job, single, with a tiny penis,

or you can start a new life here at Nude Camp.

N -U -D -E.

Nude Camp.

This is terrible.

How can you think of such a thing?

Baby Camp sounds much better.

There we are, Mrs Twinkle.

Curly, whirly, whirly.

That's it.

It's done.

Bastards.

Bloody hell, Billy.

What have we done?

We are awful people.

I suppose so.

I guess we don't need a summer of babes.

A campsite full of boobs, bums and bush.

Maybe I should just tear this contract.

No, no, no, no, no.

Boobs and bums, you say?

And bush.

Well, she won't be needing this place anymore.

And besides... We won't have to live in that shithole of a place again.

Good spirit, me old mucker.

We'll take her from here. I'm so sorry for your loss.

She was a beautiful lady.

She'll be greatly missed.

Yeah. Poor cow.

But luckily for us... She signed over the campsite to us.

So we're going to keep her memory alive.

We're going to keep this beautiful place open.

Okay, I'll leave you in peace.

We need to celebrate.

To what?

A new life.

Cheers.

Who the hell are you?

And who the hell are you?

I'm Cujo the chef, and what are you doing behind the bar?

Sadly, as you know, Mr Twinkle snuffed it this morning. God rest her soul.

We're the new owners. God bless us.

And when did this get decided, this? This morning, Billy.

Well, have you got any paperwork or anything like that to prove this?

Well, actually, me old mucker, I do.

Right. When I die, I want to give full ownership of my

campsite, new camp, over to Charlie Marley.

And Billy Cockburn.

They are lovely and trustworthy people.

P .S. This is a legal and binding contract signed Mrs.

Twinkle.

Yeah. That looks pretty good to me, mate. That's pretty kosher. And if

the case, I'm Cujo the Chef.

I'm Billy.

Jesus. And I'm Cujo the Chef. I'm Chuck.

I'm going to go and clean the kitchen up, isn't it?

Billy,

it's time for us to put our stamp on this place.

There are campers here, but they're not nudists, so we don't care about them.

We can start to fix this place up.

I'll look after the bar. No, you can make a start with making a nice sign.

much to do.

We've all made mistakes.

We pick bad toys to kill.

Freely fraternized with snakes.

Allowed the wrong bridges to burn.

We chose our own heartache.

Yet sometimes some folks never learn.

So will you keep on walking past the park?

Not again!

Ah,

this is life!

I had the best night's sleep ever.

Me too. The old lady's place weren't too bad.

Two big bedrooms, two big beds.

Well, it'd be sleeping in that toilet of a tent and your car.

Please listen to your jizz in your pants every night.

Did you see to those poor campers' tents that you pimped over?

Yep. Nice and dry.

Fortunately, they've decided to forgive us and they've decided to stay.

So, shall we see if we've got any new customers? Or should I say, new

coming in today?

Good one.

Fucking hell, Billy.

Looks like our luck is in. What is it?

We've got a bachelorette party coming in today.

What's that? You know what this means, don't you? Nope.

Babes. Babes? They've got a...

There's a party full of babes coming in. Why didn't you say?

Hello.

Do we check in here?

Hello. We've got a booking on the bachelorette party for four of us.

Is there someone we could speak to? Like your carer or someone?

Oh, sorry.

You're talking to us?

We work here.

Let's start again.

Hello, babes. Oh, bachelorettes.

Welcome to our campsite.

We were a little bit concerned as we were driving in. There was a sign.

We've not brought this into a nudist camp, have we?

You've come to the right place.

Shoot. Shall we check out the caravan park next door? No, no, no, no, no.

Excuse my friend.

His carer is having a snooze, so I'm having to look after him.

He's quite right.

There is going to be a new discount at the weekend when we have our launch

party. So?

So that means you don't have to get naked, but... feel free to get nude

you like. Shut up, Billy!

Come on, Billy.

Time to get back to your carer, isn't it? Time for your medication. This way.

That's it. Come on.

Sorry about that, ladies.

Is he okay?

No. He's an idiot.

This way to see where the erections happen.

Well hello ladies I see you're all set up and ready

for your holiday I just thought that we'd tell you that there'll be some free

complimentary drinks in the reception for you tonight and that

in the in the cabin there there'll be some facilities there for you to

for you to

Showers. For you to shower so you can freshen up for the party.

What's that noise?

Sounds like a bell.

Well, I know that, you idiot.

Where's it coming from?

Sounds like it's coming from reception.

We don't have any other guests, do we?

I don't know.

Oh, come on.

Bye, ladies.

Bye. Bye, Billy.

Bye.

Billy is so cute. He really is.

Yes, all right, all right. I hear the bells. Thank you very much.

What?

Birds. We had a problem with birds. Had to shoo them away.

They were in the shed.

So that's why we took so long.

Sorry about that.

Well, how can I help?

We were hoping you had spaces available for us soon.

Who's making all the bloody racket? We have new guests.

We booked online this morning. Do you want to see my ticket?

Yes, and would you like to see my balls?

I mean, I'd like to see your tits. Tickets! I'd like to see your tickets.

Not my balls.

I'm a bloody idiot now.

Excuse my friend, I'm sure we can squeeze you in.

Oh, we like a good squeeze, don't we Sandra?

Oh yes.

Looks like we've come to the right place.

Tell me, is this place under new management at all?

Yes, it is.

How cute.

We've been coming here for many years now, haven't we Sandra?

Oh yes. And when we saw online that it was a nudist site, well we got very

excited, didn't we?

Oh yes, very.

There was this lovely old lady who used to run this place.

What's her name?

Miss Twinkle?

I'm Charlie and this is my partner in crime, Billy.

No, no crime. There's no crime here.

I'm not your partner either.

And you are?

I'm Janet.

Sandra.

Very pleasing.

Charmed. Tell me, is this the nudist site?

Not yet, but we have our launch party on Friday. I hope you can come.

We leave Saturday morning, so yeah, count us in.

We don't miss it for the world.

So why don't you ladies go and relax, put up your tent and meet us back here

drinks at five.

Sure.

Balls deep in pussy.

Come on, we've got so much to do. I've still got to wash out the shower block.

And perhaps you can help the punters set up their tents or something.

Just behave like a good little handyman.

Whatever you say, sir.

And try not to behave like a knob.

Come on, ladies.

Let's get the party started.

Right, everyone, to my best friend who's getting married soon. But before you

settle down and start shitting out kids, we've got you all to ourselves for the

weekend. Woo!

Hello, ladies.

Hello. Hi.

Great moves.

What are you, cheerleaders?

No, we're dentists.

Oh, okay.

So cute.

I'm joking, I'm joking. We're not.

We're on a hymn party with my best friend.

And she's getting married soon.

Oh, that's nice.

I've just come over to see if you need a hand with your tent or anything else.

Yeah. Actually, you know, we could possibly do with a little hand with our

if you wouldn't mind.

Uh, okay.

Welcome to Noob Camp, ladies!

I'll leave you to it. I'll see you in a bit.

I heard a woman scream.

What have you been playing?

Oh, hi, Billy.

What have you been up to? You've got lipstick all over your face.

Have you been stealing women's make -up again?

Never mind about that.

What the bloody hell have you been doing?

What? I don't know. What do you mean?

You. Me?

Yes, you.

There's a pervert on your campsite. No, there isn't. Then bloody will it. The

pervert must be watching me take a shower.

Well, I'm really sorry that this has happened to you, but is there...

any chance that you can describe what this disgusting pervert looked like?

No, not really. I had a photo in my eye. But I think he was masturbating.

Brenda! Brenda!

Are you okay? This place is awful. I want to go home. No, no, no, stay.

I'm sure there's a reasonable explanation for all of this.

I mean, Billy and I, we can do an investigation, see what happened.

I mean, I'm sure that it was just a girl playing innocent tricks on you. No,

just... fun.

Now, why don't you two go on and enjoy your holiday and have a couple of free

drinks for us tonight?

Okay, thank you. Come on, let's get back to the tent.

What the bloody hell have you been doing? You've really done it this time,

haven't you?

Masturbating over women in the shower? You need help!

I was mopping the floor. I had these in.

What? And your tiny penis just happened to flop out, did it?

I'm sorry.

Won't happen again.

Stop that. We're already giving away free drinks tonight.

We'll be out of business by the end of the week.

Right, it's 5pm.

Time to open.

I'll give you your answer!

There's nobody there.

I suppose it's quite unfashionable to be on time.

Maybe we should pack up, have an early night.

Oh, are we tonight?

Oh, I forgot about you two.

Please, please come over us.

Ah, I mean, come over to us.

What can I get you to drink?

Two vodka and Diet Coke, please.

Coming right up.

So, uh, you two ladies together?

No. Yeah, we are.

Undecided, is it?

Undecided, are you?

No, we're sisters.

Bloody hell, you two are kinky.

Well, you've certainly come to the right place.

Always very naughty.

How lovely.

So, you never did tell us. How did you two gorgeous beings end up here running

this place?

Charlie and I came here on holiday and Mrs Twinkle got sick.

Sorry.

Accident.

I'm feeling sorry, ladies. I'm feeling tired.

It's only 5 .30.

We've got lots of important planning to do for the launch party.

I'm sorry, ladies.

We're going to have to call it a night there, I'm afraid.

No, it's fine. We understand.

We must do this again sometime.

Good night, Charlie.

Oh, that would be lovely. I hope so.

Come on, Sandra. Time to go.

Bye. Bye, Sandra.

Oh! What did you do that for?

You idiot.

All it took is for one woman to... touch your hand, and you were ready to spill

the beans. I don't know what you mean.

Oh, we came here on holiday.

Oh, Mrs Twinkle got sick.

Oh, we tricked her into signing over the campsite to us.

Oh, sorry.

Whoops.

I think I might have got my left bollock wedged up inside me.

Good.

It's going to be harder than I thought getting them to come clean.

What do you suggest we do?

Well, we're going to have to raise the stakes.

They're sex mad.

I think we give them exactly what they crave.

We really need to get our heads into this launch party for tomorrow night.

Can you?

Could you go into

town? Have a word with the local press. See if you can get them to write a story

on us and take some photos.

Will do.

What are we doing for the launch party?

Any suggestions?

Well, how about a pole dance nudie wet t -shirt competition

with a lap dance followed by a shag? Yeah!

No, wait. We haven't got time to set it up.

Look, here's 50 quid.

See if you can get us some sexy babes to do a dance for us. You know, something

sexy but classy.

I know just the girls.

I've been thinking we could have the dance with the sit -down meal.

But where? The clubhouse is too small.

Well, we could have it here in the games cabin. There's a kitchen out back.

And I could get Cujo the chef to cook us something really great.

Cujo the chef cooking won't be that great, but still, we haven't got time

anything else.

I love it when a plan comes together.

We also love to come together.

How would you boys like to go on a double date?

Yeah.

With who?

With us, dummy.

I'd love that.

Me and Sandra, well, we like it rough.

Do you boys like it kinky?

Yeah.

Well, I mean, yeah.

I don't know, really.

Well, literally, yeah. I mean, I'll do anything right now. I mean, literally

anything.

I like anything you like.

Perfect. But we'll meet you back here later tonight.

I'm sure you want to freshen up.

Freshen up, yeah.

We'll leave you to it.

See you later.

I've seen the way you look at Benny.

Don't worry about it.

I know what we're doing here.

Listen, I know it's going to be difficult, but the purpose of what we're

to do is break their world.

We have to get them to crack and find the campsite back over to us.

I know, and you're right.

Mother left us the campsite.

We need to take that bus rightfully out.

That's right.

I don't think we're bad people, though.

They're not the sharpest tools unshared by a long shot.

But I think...

Sweet.

Maybe, but we've got a job to do.

Their launch party mustn't go ahead tomorrow.

We don't have long.

Are you ready?

Born ready.

This is it.

Good luck.

I can't believe it.

Now then, I need... you to not fuck it up this time. Learn to control

yourself.

Don't jizz in your pants.

She needs to touch it first.

Okay. Thanks.

Good luck. I mean, good luck.

We don't need luck.

After we're finished with them, their legs are going to be shaking for a whole

week. No legs!

Hello?

We're in here boys.

Make sure you lock the door.

We don't want to be interrupted.

Love you. I love you too.

It'll be fine.

Follow me.

Don't be shy boys.

Come on.

You don't have to ask me twice.

I've been wanting you to say that.

It hurts.

Ow! Me too.

We want to give you a good time.

Do you trust her? I'm having thrust issues right now, but bring it on.

We thought you both looked up for a sexy good time.

You have a...

Open -minded?

Yeah.

Have you both been naughty boys?

No.

Yes, I've been naughty.

Oh, yes.

Yes, I'm far naughtier than him. I've been such a bad boy.

Then you both need to be punished.

Are you ready?

Yes.

Don't you see?

Oh, do I?

Tell me again.

How did you get to own this place?

And tell me slowly.

I like it slow.

Charlie, remember what we said.

Shut up.

Billy, I'm scared.

I love it when you talk dirty.

Focus on me.

You don't want to leave me before the fun begins, do you?

Don't you want me?

Oh, yes.

Now kiss my boot.

Tell me, Charlie.

Tell me on with your story.

How did sexy bastard like you get to own this place?

Well, it's a funny story.

Bit of a freak accident.

Hey,

less talking, more kissing.

Oh, go on. Tell me, baby.

Nothing happened.

Honestly.

You're such a turn -on.

I think you deserve a treat.

Shall I get my little slut out for you?

What's your friend?

Brace yourselves, mate.

This might make your eyes water.

Did Mrs Twinkle really sign over the campsite for you two sexy bastards?

Listen, this is great and all that, but can we just skip to the shagging part?

All in good time, baby.

If you're not going to tell me you're a sexist, I'll have to get my toy out and

do it myself.

Now this I have to see.

Oh, I love a good drilling, don't you?

Oh yes, now you're talking.

You can untie me now. Hang on, I'll go get it.

This is what I want.

A bloody good drilling.

Wow, you really are kinky.

I can't wait.

Oh good.

get the answers I want when I turn on the trill go.

Now don't worry boys, here is the same word, which is flower.

That's right, just say the word flower.

How do you feel about what happened last night?

It was fucking amazing.

Oh, me too.

Janet, she is incredible.

I feel the same about Sandra.

But look, we can't sit here talking about that all day. It's launch day

tomorrow. We've got a shed load of stuff to do. Did you get the advert out?

Yes, we've got three bookings.

And a photographer from the local rag is also coming.

Excellent. Hi, boys.

Hello there, Janet.

Could I have a word, please?

I'll be back.

Sure.

I just wanted to say thank you for last night.

I mean, no girl has ever shown me any attention like that before.

You're welcome.

No, I really mean it.

Since my girlfriend left me for my neighbour, then I lost my job at the U

factory making U -Bend pipes for toilets.

God, I loved that job.

I had no life, no home, and then we came here and then...

I met you.

And finally it feels like something good is starting to happen.

Oh, I don't know about that.

I understand. I mean, girls are always laughing and rejecting me, but... After

last night, after the good drilling, I just wanted to tell you...

I really like you.

Let's go back to the bar. My sister...

We'll be waiting.

Yeah, sure.

The safe word.

Did you not hear us say flower?

Yeah, but that wasn't the safe word.

That was the safe word.

Flower.

I'm sorry ladies, it's law night tonight and we've got so much to do.

We'll help you out if you like.

Um, yeah, we can help.

Really? You don't mind?

Not at all.

That would be great.

I mean, we've got to set up tables in the games cabin for the sit -down meal.

We'll meet you there then.

We made a booking this morning.

You're eager.

You only booked an hour ago.

Well, we saw the advert online and he jumped at a chance at a new design.

Excuse me, is it just you three?

Yes, that's right.

You didn't bring any women with you?

No.

This is turning into a right cockfest.

I'm sorry, what's that?

Nothing. Let's just get you booked in.

And your name's Fitz?

Well, I'm Rodney.

This is Hugo.

Hello. And this is Ewan the Mute.

Hello.

Why is he called Ewan the Mute?

Because that's his name.

He is a mute.

But he just spoke.

No, he didn't. You can't talk. Can you, Ewan?

No. See?

Right.

The footy books.

But we only booked this morning.

Yeah, technical glitch. Sorry about that. Right, come on.

Fucking nutcases!

Ah, Cujo, there you are. You should have started cooking ages ago.

Well, I would have done if I had some ingredients for this meal. What do you

mean? Well, Miss Twinkles used to get all the stuff so I could cook it.

Well, it's too late now.

What ingredients have you got in the cupboards?

All we've got in there is some soup.

Well, soup it is.

Is that what you want? That's what you get, soup. Great.

Oh, hello.

This place is going to be ours.

Oh no, are you sure?

Yes, just go and distract KJ for me.

Hello ladies.

Do you think that you could put on a good sexy dance for us?

Yes, I think we can do that.

Should we do the dance? The one from college?

Yeah. Yeah.

Yes, okay.

What the hell are you doing here?

It's okay, Charlie.

In you go, lad.

I called them back.

The turnout's a bit shit and we need all the people we can get.

Oh, bloody hell. They're masturbating.

They're your responsibility.

Okey -dokey.

Come on in. Good evening.

Come through, take a seat. Dinner will be served soon.

And what's for dinner?

Soup. Yes, and?

Just soup. Come on, in you go, in you go.

Please take your seats, everyone.

And welcome to our nude camp launch party.

We want you all to enjoy yourselves this evening.

Because as of Monday, we launch our brand new campsite!

So without further ado, let's...

What's the deal?

I hope you all enjoyed your soup.

Thank you, Kuja, our chef, for such a great meal.

We now have a wonderful show for you. Our campsite guests and cheerleading

squad. The, uh...

to come clean.

No pun intended.

We did this.

You? Why?

Mrs Twinkle. What about her?

We're her daughters.

This place is rightfully ours, not yours.

I... Save it. This will ruin you.

We'll take care of all of this, but you need to sign the campsite back over to

us.

It really doesn't matter to me anymore. I'm ruined anyway.

Whether I'm here or not.

So, I'm very sorry, but I think we'll take our chances.

You two are ruined.

It's game over for you.

We've called the health inspector and they're on their way to immediately shut

you down. Look at my camera.

You're paying for a new one.

Look around you. All these people shitting their pants all over your

They're going to sue you.

You'll be out on the streets in no time.

No, wait. No, don't go.

Please.

It's not our fault.

I don't know how this happened.

Listen,

I feel really bad.

about what happened, but you stole what was rightfully ours.

Guess she's got a point, Charlie.

Our new life has barely begun.

What now?

I go back to tipping in your mum's couch?

Please.

Sign it.

I'm looking for two gentlemen.

Are you Charlie Marley and Billy Cockburn?

Yeah. You're under arrest for forgery. Forgery?

What?

Actually aggravated forgery over ownership of this campsite. You've got

with me.

Look at those, please.

Wait, officer.

Yep. Please, can you give us a moment?

Yeah.

Listen, we get it. We've both done things that we regret. We've had to do

out of necessity. But we can sort all of this out if you would just sign it.

Boys, see you later, yeah?

See you, guys.

Ah, Billy.

And to think this is the life, isn't it?

Agreed. And to think it was all down to you stealing those tickets of Tipsy

Pete. God bless him. We wouldn't be here today living with and working with our

sexy babe.

Ah, that reminds me. Did you remember to knock the girl's shower block?

Yep.

Not again, Charlie. What have you done this time? Nothing.

I promise.

It wasn't me.

I'm a changed man.

I've been here with you guys.

We'll check ourselves out.

Yeah.

Let's go.

See?

I told you, he's not a mute.

See?

Thank you.