Original subtitles

Summer's here and it's time to roll off to the place where nobody knows.

Secret beach where the heartaches go. I know there's one for me.

Baby, you'll lose your sanity.

But there's less for you and me.

Let the girls fall.

Beyond the wildest dreams, the only place I want to be,

where the water's far.

Yes, sir.

Why don't you guys come rub some lotion on our back?

Danny, this is going to be the best summer of your life.

Trust me.

The best?

summer of my life.

Oh man, my mom is here to pick me up already.

She can wait, man. This is going to be the best summer you have absolutely ever

had.

100%. And that's your idea of the best summer ever? Us on some beach?

Yeah, a beach full of hot babes in bikinis with their booties all out for

everyone to see. Yeah, that's my idea of a fantastic summer.

I don't know, man. I've actually had some pretty good summers. Like that one

time that my mom took me to Disney World and I ate hot dogs from two different

hot dog stands. I peed myself on Space Mountain and I even met Goofy.

If meeting Goofy is the highlight of your summer, then you've got some deep

-seated issues, my man.

And who pisses themselves on a roller coaster?

I was absolutely chugging orange sodas, man. Like, relentlessly. I probably

could have filled a bathtub with the stuff and by the time I got on Space

Mountain, all that adrenaline just... Got the best of me, man. Forget all that

piss in your pants nonsense. I mean, push it all the way out of that big old

head of yours because this summer is going to be the summer that would make

those Disney characters hang their heads in shame and disgust. I'm talking.

Shame and disgust? A summer so debaucherously vile that even Sleeping

would wake up from just hearing about it. Hey, man, don't violate Sleeping

Beauty like that. You know she's my favorite.

Okay. I won't violate Sleeping Beauty, but do you know why the Snow White porno

parody wasn't successful?

Do I even want to know?

It had too many shortcomings.

You get it?

Shortcomings because of dwarves?

Stop, stop. I don't need the mental image of dwarves coming.

God, I said it out loud. It's so much worse now.

You know you like it, you sick creep. That's why you got that lobster boy on

your shirt. Look, I don't kink shame, but a fetish for crustaceans is a little

weird, my guy.

This is Lobster Man, and he is the greatest superhero, and you know it.

Lobster Man is a level five douchebag, man.

This is why you are a virgin, Danny. You obsess over a fictional character.

Knock it off with the virgin stuff already, man.

This brings me back to my whole damn point. You, sir, are losing that V

That cherry is getting popped, and I say it's about damn time.

And why are you so concerned with me losing my virginity anyway?

Because you are a freshman in college, Danny, and you are a virgin.

You gotta be freaking dying to bury that meat stick deep inside a moist ham

wallet by now, man. You gotta get like me.

It makes me...

It's so uncomfortable to hear you say words like ham wallet and moist.

Moist should be on the tip top of everyone's vocabulary. And moist is

be on the tip of your tongue this summer, Danny. The moist skin of a

babe while you're both soaking up some sweet, sweet sun rays.

Sun rays, beautiful babes. Jeremy, there are no girls putting their skin on me

this summer. And I don't want to go to the beach and be in the sun.

Period. This is not just any beach, Danny. This is Babe Beach.

Nice and lush.

Hidden from the public beach.

And we're going to be taking a freaking journey there, man. Danny, dude, we're

going to Babe Beach. You don't have a car to get around in. You're obsessed

a lobster boy. And you are a virgin, man.

I'm just trying to help you, man.

Because you're my best friend.

And that's what best friends do, man. They help each other get some... Action.

And I've just had so much action and sex.

You really gotta try it, man.

I don't know, man. When do you want to take this journey to Bay Beach anyway?

Tomorrow. Sunrise.

You. Me.

We hit the road, and then we hit the babes. Well, we don't want to hit the

babes, but we're gonna go hit the beach with the babes. Bay Beach.

Tomorrow? Well, jeez, man. Thanks for giving me time to pack it. Aren't you

grounded anyway for bad grade?

Dude, forget all that.

My mom isn't even home. I just got to babysit my sister. That's my real

punishment. Just be ready in the morning for me to pick up that sweet, sweet

booty of yours.

Well, you wouldn't be living with your mom and babysitting your sister if you

didn't get kicked out of student housing last semester.

And please don't refer to my booty as... What?

Would you have rather I said moist?

Did I just hear you losers are planning a beach trip to get laid?

It's none of your business, Charlie.

Don't tell me what my business is, Jeremy. And you two bumrags couldn't get

even if a girl threw herself at you. Well, apparently, my old business is now

your new business. How's she treating you anyways?

Oh, she's treating me way better than she ever treated you, hombre.

I'm talking.

Anal. I highly doubt that.

Well, you better believe it.

We done entered a whole new world, bro.

She's way better off without your nerdy ass around.

You're lucky I'm over her, man, or I'd be getting real sad or upset right now.

But I'm not. I don't care. You guys go do your butt stuff.

And on that note, dude, I'm leaving. I'll see you tomorrow.

That's right. Tomorrow.

Our destiny to lose the old virginity awaits us as we embark on the mighty

to the legendary Babe of Beach!

God, Cousin Larry, answer the dang phone, man.

How am I supposed to get directions to Bay Beach if you're not answering the

phone?

Man, oh, man, I forgot I got to babysit my sister.

It's the last thing I want to do.

I dare you to eat these Oreos with mustard.

Freeze and put your hands up.

Jessica, I do not have time for this. And how did Sabrina get over here?

Her mom dropped her off, loser.

What the hell? Stop.

Oh my God, stop already.

And I'm not a loser. I'm cool as hell.

You're definitely a loser. You're in your 20s and you still live with mom.

everyone at school says you're a big single loser and can't believe I'm as

as I am.

Since you're my brother. You're the biggest loser in our school.

I don't even go to your school.

Exactly.

The kids at your school don't even know me.

Yeah, they do.

Because I told them all about you failing and getting kicked out of the

And how stupid you are.

Well, I told all your friends how stupid you are, actually.

Why do you talk to my friends? That's weird. I'm 13.

I'm not talking to your friends. Yeah, huh? You just told me. You told them how

stupid I was.

Yeah, Jeremy, stop talking to your friends. That's weird. Oh my God, I

cannot with you little pieces of... Pieces of what?

Pieces of crap!

I know you are, but what am I? I'm done with you. I'm leaving.

You can't leave. You're supposed to be babysitting us tonight.

Yeah, Mr.

Babysitter, you gotta get us pizza.

I'm not getting you anything.

You can eat those Oreos and mustard and be happy about it. I gotta go get Danny

and then we're meeting up with Cousin Larry.

Mom says Cousin Larry's a burnout.

All the cool kids do burnouts, Jessica. Cousin Larry's a badass.

Cousin Larry is a loser, just like you.

Are you just a little version of our mother constantly berating me?

Mom knows best, she says to herself.

I'm definitely not listening to this for the rest of the night.

Oh, God, man.

What do I got here?

Money.

Mom's credit card.

This trip to Bay Beach just got an upgrade, baby.

Gonna change clothes and go like Jay -Z.

Who's that credit card? That's my mom's credit card. My mom's credit card.

Woo! Beach swag. Where is the beach swag?

Bam! There you are!

I got my chunky pews and my favorite tanky top.

I was a pescatarian, but now here we are.

And just where do you think you're going?

I'm leaving, Jessica, so Mom doesn't catch me.

I'm going to tell Mom you left us.

No, you're not.

We're going to tell her that the house got broken into while you were gone.

I'm going to tell her you took all the mayonnaise from the fridge when you left

too. Why would you tell her that?

Because you're an idiot and I hate you because you're my brother.

Unless... Unless what?

Unless you give us 50 bucks.

50 bucks?

Yeah, don't mean to be a stutter.

What do you need 50 bucks for?

Don't worry what we need 50 bucks for, you chump. Just give us 50 bucks.

I'm not giving you 50 bucks.

Then I'm going to call mom.

Stop. Fine. I'll give you 50 bucks.

There, you happy now?

Now you're 50 bucks broker.

I sincerely hate you sometimes.

I'm still gonna tell my mom.

Come on, man. Pick up the damn phone.

Come on, Danny.

Damn it, Danny.

I know I told you to be ready for tomorrow, but at least you could be

tonight for some late night adventure.

Man, I forgot to bring that issue of Playboy, too.

At least I got my phone.

Wow, that's a big pot of coffee.

Oh, yeah, baby, that's a big old pot.

Why don't you come fill me up with your cup of joe?

Well, if you like beef, yeah.

Give her that sweet, sweet java.

Hope you like it.

Dude, why are you asleep in my driveway?

Well, good morning to you, too.

Tried calling you last night, but you just wouldn't answer the phone.

I told you I was taking melatonin, bro. Come on.

off with that thing already, dude?

No, sir.

Attention, all Bay Beach visitors.

The train to Bay Beach leaves in approximately two minutes.

Our voyage awaits us.

I'm your Captain Jeremy.

Please keep all hands... Okay, that wasn't mine, so you just broke your own

buddy. Good. I don't need to hear you talk through that thing all day anyways.

You're loud enough as it is.

So, we excited or what? Ready to get that boogie on?

Excited to lose my virginity to some random woman on the beach that I don't

know or have an emotional connection with?

Dude, you have got to get pumped because you're going to get pumped.

Or rather, you're going to pump.

You're going to pump.

And you're going to pump hard, bro.

Let's just not with the pump talk, okay?

Just picture it, man.

Babe Beach, a place where anything can happen, according to my cousin Larry.

Just chicks everywhere.

There's going to be beautiful babes tanning with their butts out.

There's going to be babes playing volleyball.

There's going to be beautiful babes rubbing suntan lotion on their beautiful

bodies so they don't get burnt.

They're going to be everywhere, man. They're all ready to party.

They're not going to be calling you Danny. They're going to be calling you

Daddy.

Dude, you're full on chub.

What is Lobster Man doing here?

Because he's cool with hell.

Dude, we're fantasizing about going to Bay Beach to lose your virginity.

And you want to hang out with Lobster Man?

What's wrong with you? Go talk to one of those girls.

Alright.

Hey, Danny.

Looking pretty hot in that Lobster Man shirt.

Thanks. Lobster Man is just the coolest.

So if I flip this here coin, what are the chances of me getting head?

Not like head on the coin, but you know.

No.

69%. Oh, my God.

Lobster Man, it's really you. Wait.

Did you have to fight the crustacean clan today?

Are they here?

No, Danny, just hot babe.

Oh, okay.

Come with me, Danny.

You guys are super weird.

But you're going to the beach with a bunch of hot girls?

I barely want to go.

Yeah, little dude.

It's going to be like a real -life porno starring me and your brother.

Aw, man, I hate you guys. I want to see a bunch of hot girls this summer.

Like your sister, Jeremy.

Excuse me?

Hey, tell your sister that I said hit me up.

I'm gonna tell my sister to beat your ass.

I don't know who's worse, you or him.

Are we leaving or what?

Well, what did you pack?

Uh, let's see. I got some sunscreen, some shorts, new issue of Lobster Man,

another Lobster Man shirt.

What the hell, man? You don't have any beach swag? Some drip drip? Tip Tony

Jordan flip flip.

Jordan flip flips?

You know exactly what I mean, man.

Two words, okay? Look at me.

Tank top, flip flops. Well, actually four words, but you know what I mean.

Look at you, man. You got sneakers on and that Lobster Boy t -shirt, man. We

gotta get you swagged up to dip, bro.

We gotta get you a tank top at least, man. Show off those arms, show off those

pecs. Let that skin loose, baby.

And wearing a tank top is supposed to be what attracts these women to me?

No, man, if you do the babes of Babe Beach, you gotta at least try to impress

them. And what you're wearing is not gonna do it, man. Trust me, every single

porno I watch is some sexy dude in a tank top and flip -flops, man. You gotta

get that on, baby.

And now we must do what every good American does right before a road trip.

Road trip? The beach isn't even that far away, dude.

I know that, but...

We shall continue the sacred road trip tradition of going to the bar and having

a drink.

A drink? It's like noon, dude. I haven't even had breakfast yet.

Beer is breakfast, Danny. It's got like wheat and shit in it.

You're going to have liver issues one day.

And until then, I will continue to drink. Let's go!

Damn it, man. Why would this man not answer his phone? I need the directions

Bay Beach.

Did he not tell you when you were younger?

No. He just said that he would go there and get laid, like, all the time.

But he never actually told me where it was.

Well, that's unfortunate.

How the hell are we supposed to get there?

Oh, don't worry, buddy. Cousin Larry will come through. I guarantee it. He's

never let me down before.

I guess we'll just have to see about your cousin Larry not letting you down

time. That sweet little man -meat of yours is going to be drowning in poo

in no time, brother.

Let's go.

I am Santa Claus. I am Santa Claus, man.

I'm going to need me some more booze.

I need some peppermint. That's what I need. Peppermint schnapps, man.

This tastes like dog shit.

Ho, ho, ho, dude!

Two beers, please, for two men going on a voyage to Bay Beach.

See that girl over there?

Obviously. Think she's hot? I think she's hot.

Well, you'd think anything with two legs and a pulse is hot, Jeremy.

You think I should go talk to her?

I don't know, man. It's probably a waste of time. Don't you want to save some of

that mojo for Bay Beach anyway?

I got mojo for days, baby.

All right.

Well, I bet you another beer that you can't even get her to talk to you.

Watch and learn, baby.

Well, hello there, young lady.

Um, hi.

I have but one simple, simple question for you. And that is?

Are you an orphanage girl? Because, damn, I gotta put some kids up in you.

What the hell, lady?

I was trying to give you a compliment.

You've got a hell of a lot to learn about compliments, then. And you've got

lot to learn about orphanages. What does that even mean? It means that you're

missing out on the man whose grandmother tells him he gets more handsomer every

single year. And in case you haven't figured it out yet, that man is me,

Oh, it's your mama.

That one's rough.

Guess I'll have you a beer, because she definitely talked to you.

Yeah, it was rough. I didn't even get to ask her what kind of mayonnaise she

likes. What kind of mayonnaise she likes? What?

You can tell a lot about a woman whether she prefers dukes or hellmans.

That makes literally zero sense, dude.

You'll learn when you get older.

We're the same freaking age.

She doesn't even know what she's missing.

I got the best pipe game in town.

We gotta get out of here, man. We gotta go where the real babes are.

I heard your pipe game's pretty bad, actually.

Shit, it's Charlie.

Yeah, it's Charlie.

And you obviously don't know how to talk to women still.

But you sure know how to take a hit.

And that's why your ex -girlfriend's with me now. A real man.

I don't see any real men around here.

Well, just call yourself out, player.

Call myself out for what?

Not being a real man. Real men do butt stuff.

I do butt stuff all the time.

Nah, you don't do butt stuff like I do butt stuff.

I do so much butt stuff.

K .Y. Jelly. They said this man is the number one bucked up champ in the world.

And we're going to load him down with that good good.

I don't believe that at all. Believe it.

K .Y. Jelly? Why are you using Jelly?

Is that like food sex stuff? Like why wouldn't you just welch it?

No, dude.

This bit.

On up your ass?

No. Well, not sexually.

Why are you stalking us? I'm not stalking your loser asses.

This bar is my dad's favorite spot.

I come here to support him. It's better that I got to see your ass get flattened

in the face.

She didn't flatten me. She gently caressed my face and told me how

was. The only woman that's ever doing that is your mom.

Your mom, actually. My mom doesn't live around here anymore.

What'd you do?

Stare her off with your stinky feet?

Good one, Danny.

Don't worry about working.

Oh, he won't, bro. Trust me. We are getting out of here. Come on, Danny.

Hey, can you guys spare some change?

Well, if it isn't old Chris Kringle himself.

Chris Kringle? What do you mean? You're Chris Kringle. Sleigh bells ring -a

-ling, jean -jean -jing -a -ling.

I'm not Chris Kringle.

I'm St. Nicholas, and I'm not fat anymore.

I don't see how when you're eating all those milk and cookies.

I'm actually lactose intolerant.

You can't be lactose intolerant and wear Santa suit.

Santa suit? This is just red clothes, man.

Oh, and you're an idiot, too.

Hey, I think the Santa outfit looks great, man. Keep up the great work.

Here's some change.

Don't give this man any change. He's clearly going to spend it on booze, man.

Well, at least he's being honest about where his money is going.

You got a point, you know.

I could just be telling you I'm paying bills, but I'm just trying to get drunk.

Oh, forget this.

Oh, man, shit, now I gotta get some more money.

Uh, I'm real sorry about that, Santa.

He's going on a naughty list for that.

Is this where you want to be when Jesus gets back picking on a poor sick Nick?

On Donner, on Vixen, on Cupid, on God.

Them reindeer are going to stomp your ass.

Your ass is going to get stomped by a reindeer.

Dude, you can't steal Santa's boo.

He said he's gonna put us on the naughty list and get his reindeer to beat our

ass. I'd love to see one of those reindeer try to beat my ass. I'd stomp

antlers off that fool.

Dude, you'd get absolutely dusted by a reindeer. Like, no sweat. While you were

dreaming of taking trips to Bay Beach, they were spending their vacations at

North Pole Muscle Complex.

And where are you seeing these buff -ass reindeers at?

Bro.

Lobster Man. He had to fend off a whole horde of buff -ass reindeer with this

Santa Claus issue a few years back. It was a great one, man. You gotta read it.

Dude, Lobster Man is not real life.

Well, I mean, the writers obviously had to see some kind of buff -ass reindeer

in real life to get inspired, didn't they?

There is no help for you, dude. I swear, you are going to be a changed man when

you finally get laid and lose that virginity.

I don't know, man.

Come on, man. Let's get in the car.

You told me to go to the left, right?

Yeah, right.

No, I'm saying you told me to go to the left, right.

Yeah, right.

No, I don't want to go right. I'm saying it's left the right way.

Yeah, you go right. Which way am I going, man?

Okay. You know what, man?

I cannot get out the GPS.

So... Charlie is dating your ex now? Yeah, I guess she's his problem now.

Well, didn't you say she was like crazy or something?

Yeah, definitely.

She broke up with me, man. How crazy do you have to be to do something like

that? Sounds pretty smart of you as me.

Well, no one asked you, Danny.

God, I wish that girl back at the bar liked what she saw. I could have been

rocking her freaking world right now.

Is that all that you think about, Zach?

No, that's not all I think about.

I think about anal sex, oral sex, boob jobs, hand jobs, foot jobs, eye jobs,

jobs. I mean, sex is like the best thing in the world, man. I highly doubt that.

Well, you wouldn't know, now would you, Mr. Virgin?

It's called being worldly, Danny, and chicks love that.

Just ask Antonio Banderas.

Why are you so concerned with my virginity anyway?

Because I'm your best friend, man, and that's what best friends do. I gotta

sure you're getting all the action you could possibly get, because you

can't do it on your own.

Did I ever explicitly ask for your help to get laid?

Well, no, not exactly, but sex with a woman is what you need, man.

You'll never be able to get enough of it after your first time. Jesus Christ.

Don't bring Jesus into this.

He's hung his head in shame at things I've done with women.

Well, for some reason, I highly doubt that.

It's true, man. I've done some seriously nasty things before.

Oh, really?

Like what? Like this one time, I was sucking on this girl's toe.

Hold on a second.

I think that's cousin Larry.

So, I'm guessing it wasn't your cousin Larry?

No, it was my mom.

Oh, someone's in trouble.

Shut up. I'm getting into trouble so you can have a good time.

I didn't ask for this fabled trip to Bay Beach. I was just down to hang out.

Well, you're going to be absolutely begging for more by the time we get to

Beach. I mean, your mind is going to be blown away by the sheer amount of women

waiting there for your cute little...

Face, are you reading Lobster Man right now? Well, yeah. How else am I supposed

to make this trip go by?

By talking to me, Danny.

God, I absolutely hate driving.

It needs something to get me through this trip.

And what? The liquor you stole from Santa wasn't enough?

Dude, I'm not drinking that. You have absolutely no idea where that man's

has been or the last time he even brushed his teeth. Then why did you

poor man's boobs?

I'm just trying to have a little bit of adventure, Danny. Whatever.

Uh, this doesn't look like the beach to me, dude.

That's because it isn't the beach, Danny.

I had to stop here to get some weed. I gotta...

Have something to help me get through the rest of this trip. This driving is

really starting to get to me. Wait, aren't you already drinking and driving,

which I highly disapprove of, and now you want to add marijuana to the mix?

Yes, I highly want to add marijuana to the mix.

Plus, this guy used to run with Cousin Larry, so maybe he can help us figure

how to get to him. Let's get in, man.

Who's Francesca? Hell if I know. His mom, his girlfriend, and his...

Eureka. Time to get phony bologna, baby.

Oh, what's that noise, dude?

I think it's coming from the door right here.

Aren't you gonna open it?

Well, yeah. I came here to buy weed, so I'm gonna do that.

Puppets freak me out, dude.

Out of all the weird shit you're into, puppets freak you out?

Wait, you dudes aren't Francesca?

And if you're not here for sexy puppet workout time, then what the hell are you

doing in my house?

Um, we're trying to buy us some weed?

Weed? Wait.

I don't recognize you, man. It's Larry's little cousin, Jerry!

Come on, bring it, bro. I haven't seen your ass in years.

Well, hopefully you've never actually seen my ass. Well... This

is my friend Danny, by the way.

Nice, man.

You should know a Danny back in the day. Is that you?

Huh? Wait, are you the Danny that owes me money?

Or are you the Danny that I owe money to?

I've never met you before in my life, dude. Weird, man.

So, you guys said you wanted some weed?

Yeah, a couple of joints if you got them.

Man, people don't smoke weed anymore.

It's all about the edibles and the vapables.

Just so happens I have one in my pocket.

Just a little bit sweaty from all the exercise.

Eat this and it'll blow your mind.

That's the good stuff, homie. The Maui Boo Waui. Have you sitting on your ass

for the rest of the day, muchacho?

Good, I'm already sitting on my ass for the rest of the day.

Driving in that damn car.

So you're still smoking just a little weed, man? Have you not grown up and

started to party? I thought you partied, bro.

Only keep weed around for the little high schoolers.

Well, man, we're not that far out of high school. Yeah, but if you graduated

high school, you should have at least graduated to real drugs by now.

That's the thing, man. I don't really do drugs like that. I just drink a little

bit and smoke.

So you're going to sit there and tell me that you've never done a little crock

-crock, a little snoot -boot, some hangers and bangers, some roly -poly

Some ketamolacaine with or without the scooper stick.

Are those even all real drugs?

You guys are going to sit here and tell me that you've never done a little too

much horsey sauce and woke up on a playground inside of that little twisty

thing?

You guys are crazy, man.

Meow. Meow.

Here, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty.

Meow.

Meow.

Meow, meow.

Meow, meow.

Meow.

Meow. I swear to God, he's not my sick friend.

Meow.

He's just my friend.

And meow.

He's a cat.

He's already on forest, Danny. Better jump on that.

Hell no.

That's what happens to your ass when you're on drugs, man.

Meow. Meow.

What, man? Big booty cat opportunities don't just present themselves to you

that. You are seriously one of the most warped people I know.

Lobster Man would hook up with this cat.

Booty cat?

What are you guys doing today, anyways?

We're headed down to Bay Beach.

Bay Beach?

Yeah, past Merle. You never heard Cousin Larry talk about it? I did end up at a

gay beach one time, and it's not that bad if you're open to that kind of

Cousin Larry used to tell me about Bay Beach all the time.

He said that there was just women everywhere, not a guy in sight. Just hot

women, and they're all dying for some man action.

There were no women in sight at that gay beach.

Can't believe Cousin Larry never told you about it, man. He used to tell me

about it all the time.

Your cousin Larry's a freaking beast, yo.

I watched him get fed a funnel cake by a stripper dressed as a clown one time.

And let's just say you do not want to know where that funnel cake came from.

Did she feed it to him with her butt? What the hell, man?

Nope. Better.

Let's just say that was one very moist funnel cake, bro.

And topped with sprinkles, too, homie.

Hey, moist and sprinkles.

Hey, do you talk to Cousin Larry still?

He'll stop by every now and then whenever he's in town, but you know, if

him, get this package for me.

Okay, but if you see him, tell him to call me. I haven't been able to get a

of him.

Sure thing, hot boss McGoff.

Ready to go, Danny?

Wait, you're just going to leave?

Well, yeah, man, we got a big day ahead of us. But do you have the cash, man?

What cash?

Probably for that tasty THC treat that you just bought from me. My grandma made

that thing.

You gotta give him some of that Robert De Niro, homie.

Get back here, cat.

Can't be stealing all my damn money again. Not after last time.

Meow, meow.

Meow.

Man, I am way too freaking high to drive right now. You think you can take the

wheel? Me?

Drive?

Are you serious?

Come on, man. It's not every day you get to drive a sweet car like this.

That car is not sweet, dude. This whole trip was your idea and now I'm the one

driving? Can you just relax? You're about to get laid at Bay Beach, man.

Dude, I'm telling you, once you feel the sweet, soft skin of a woman, your whole

attitude about this trip is going to change.

You really do have a one -track mind.

What do you mean?

Sex, sex, sex, sex this, sex that. Dude, there's more things to life than just

sex. I doubt that. How about, like, actually falling in love with someone

you know, gaining mutual respect for each other?

Oh, that's a bunch of... Bullshit, man. Sex is way better without the strings

attached. And how would you know?

The amount of women that I've had sex with would make your jaw drop.

And the ones that I never saw again were the ones I had the best sex with.

But there's no feeling, no emotion.

That's just your big old virgin brain telling you that you have to be in love

have sex.

It's a big lie sold to you by corporate America, sir.

I really want my first time to be with someone who I actually care about.

Someone who I'm really interested in.

Yeah, I get it, man. You'll be interested in that big old booty by the

see it. I promise you that.

Dude, you just don't get it. I... Yeah, that's gotta be Cousin Larry.

Uh, it's my crazy ex -girlfriend. I knew she couldn't get enough of my sexy ass.

Let me guess, you want to come crawling back, you know?

Wait, what?

Stole Charlie's dad's booze.

Wait, you're not serious.

You're telling me that Charlie's dad is the crazy homeless Santa bum?

You're kidding. You're dating someone that has a homeless Santa for a dad?

Yeah, right.

Let him try to come and beat our asses. Bye.

Charlie's dad is the Santa bum?

Yeah, and she says that he's coming to beat our asses for stealing his dad's

booze. Yeah, right.

Dude, he must get so many presents for Christmas. You know his dad isn't

actually Santa, right?

But he had on the suit and everything.

He was literally panhandling.

Well, I didn't see him handling any pans, and I didn't see any elves for

matter either.

We gotta go stop at that diner and get some food. I'm hungry.

Hopefully they sell hot cocoa.

No, I'm tired of the chipatina.

If this is how I want to play it, then this is how I'll play it. I'm going to

sleep with the next guy that even looks at me.

Can I get one more, please?

We don't got any hot cocoa, I checked.

Fine, I'll have a coffee.

Can I get you anything else?

I thought earlier you guys had the Billy Dave special.

What kind of bread comes with that?

It's the Billy Dave bread.

Uh, what kind of meat comes with the Billy Dave?

The Billy Dave meat.

Okay. What kind of cheese comes with that?

It's the Billy Dave cheese.

Okay. The tomato on it? The Billy Dave tomato.

Can I get you anything?

One waitress, no dressing?

In your dreams, kid.

I can't believe they don't have hot cocoa.

I can't believe you're trying to drink such a childish beverage, dude. We were

drinking beers like two hours ago.

What's wrong with craving some hot cocoa?

The sooner you lose your virginity and get some hair on that chest, the better.

Do I have something in my teeth? That girl over there keeps looking at me.

Yeah, you got some badass breath in there, man.

Yeah, probably from all the girls I've been going down on.

Oh, snap. Be cool. She's coming over here.

Hey, cutie. You think I'm cute?

Yeah, that's why I called you cutie.

She thinks I'm cute, dude.

Smells like Vietnam.

Y 'all trying to give me flashbacks up in here?

Oh.

I think I done shit myself.

What the hell, Grandpa? Are you not wearing your diapers?

Could have had your huggies. Could have let it soak.

Does this smell burnt?

Ugh, old man poop.

Grandpa, get that shitty hand out of my face.

All right, boys.

We got to get out of here.

Haven't had this much shit in my drawers since Grandma decided to make tacos out

of squirrel meat.

Guess I could knock shitting myself in public off the bucket list.

Oh, lady, I don't have any cash.

Show me just my mom's credit card.

No, you dumbass. I'm right here to have sex with you.

Exclusive. You don't want to rob me?

What? No, we don't want to rob you.

I can tell you that is a relief.

Shut up and kiss me.

Did you already cum?

I, um, you see... You're a premature

ejaculator? I have this little problem.

Where sometimes, well, most of the time, I orgasm before it happens.

It's a sticky situation.

But please don't tell my friend. He thinks I'm a total coonhound and I've

keep that image for him. Or he's going to stay a virgin forever and think sex

lame. That is the dumbest thing I've ever heard. Why would he think sex is

stupid if you've only ever had it one time?

No. It's because I've combed my pants too early.

If he finds that out, he's going to think I'm less of a man.

Why do I always get the losers?

Dude, are you okay? Did she rob you?

No, she didn't rob me. She wanted this fat hog log flamed and fired up on the

grill. Ew, dude.

She must have got turned on by that old man with the poop hand.

Aw, man, I should have put her sexy ass on you, man.

Could have got some action before we even hit the beach.

I didn't even think about that, man. I'm sorry.

No way, dude. Random girl in public?

Not my style.

Plus, I don't get down with girls that have old man poop hand fetish. No, man.

There was no old man poop hand fetish. She thought I was sexy. She thought I

sex appeal, so she had cop appeal.

That's one of the cringiest things I think I have...

ever heard in my life.

Whatever, man. At least I'm getting laid.

I thought I was the one that's supposed to be getting laid.

You gotta get like me, bro.

You gotta get the swag.

You gotta get the tank top, the flip flops. You don't want to strike out when

get to Bay Beach.

We gotta go hit the damn beat door, man. Come on, let's go.

Thumbs out, bums out, am I right?

Have you ever successfully picked up a girl without it being some weird

though? I'll have you know, I've never let a woman down.

Sexually. Here, try this on.

Ah, it's my mom. When is Cousin Larry gonna call?

Hey, Mom.

Family credit card?

Yeah,

I know it's for family emergencies.

This is an emergency.

Danny's going to lose his virginity.

No, no, no, no.

No, I know I'm grounded. Whoa,

look at you, big sexy. Look at you, little bird arms. Chicks are going to

you're freaking adorable.

I've got little bird arms, man. I got big, meaty flappers.

That's the spirit.

out to the beach, aren't we? We're pretty much there. I'm just waiting on

Larry to call me up.

Well, let's go to the beach, brother. Let's enjoy the time we have while we're

here with each other.

The regular -ass lame beach?

Lighten up, man. The beach is great the way it is.

Man, the regular beach is lame.

It's nothing but a bunch of families hanging out, reading books, and letting

their dogs run around without their leashes on.

Besides, I just found this flyer for some guy with an acoustic guitar.

Who is he?

He's some guy with an acoustic guitar.

Uh, okay, you don't know who he is?

No, he's literally some guy with an acoustic guitar.

So, you don't know who he is?

He's a guy with an acoustic guitar. I think my brain just split in half, dude.

Let's just hit the beach.

Fine, Danny. We'll go to the regular lame -ass, no -babe -havin', kids

-runnin' -around -yellin'. and screaming beach.

The dumb, lame beach that there's going to be no babes at. We'll go there.

That's where you want to go? We'll go to the lame old beach.

No babes. I almost guarantee there will be babes at the regular beach here.

I got my beach swag. We're at the beach. Let's go.

Man, no. This is the regular beach, man. There's no babes here, all right?

And I am still freaking hungry, man. I never got my Billy Dave beans.

We got to get out of here. Let's go. Come on, man.

Hot dogs. Get your hot dogs. Big, punk, red, juicy hot dogs.

Fresh off the grill. Put them in your mouth. Put them in your mouth.

I am the wiener man with your big fat hot dogs and a warm bun.

Who's want a hot dog?

Hot dogs?

Hot dogs.

Get your hot dogs. I'm the wiener man. Get your dogs nice and hot. At least

wiener man's got his titties out.

It's a hell of a way to sell a hot dog. Kind of more appetizing in a way.

You wouldn't seriously eat a hot dog from a dude in a Speedo who just came

of a porta potty, would you?

You know, I think I would.

I could go for a hot dog.

Hot dogs? Who wants the hot dogs?

Big wieners. Get them while they can. Get them while you can.

Wiener man. Wiener man, let me get one of those hot dogs.

Oh, I got a hot dog for you.

Hey, you guys thought here's a nice hot dog? And what about your buddy? Does he

want one of my wieners too?

Oh, yeah. He definitely wants your wiener.

Oh, I can make that happen.

Right.

Here. I have the best hot dogs in town, baby. No condiments needed.

So go ahead and pop that wiener in your mouth and let me know how it tastes.

This is a pretty good wiener. You got any mustard?

Oh, I got some mustard.

That was a good one.

That was a real good one.

Now you put my wiener in your mouth, too.

Don't dare at me while I do it.

Oh, I won't look at you while you eat my wiener.

Oh, yeah. Go ahead and bite my big, thick meat.

Oh, yeah.

You take a big bite of that big, thick meat.

I got the best damn wieners in town.

And you can tell all your friends, too. There's scrumptious, there's a

Kardashian, big, fat, thick, juicy wieners. Tell everybody about my

They're the best hot dogs in town.

Man, we should have asked that wiener man where we could get directions to Bay

Beach. Dude, he was way too concerned with his wieners to know where Bay Beach

is at.

Now... This mime, on the other hand, he knows where the babes are. How in the

world would a mime know where the babes are?

Dude, women love a silent type.

Hey, mime man, tell us how to get to Bay Beach.

Dude, what is he doing?

I think he wants a bite, dude.

Alright, man, hey, tell us how to get to Bay Beach.

Uh, I don't think this mime is concerned with Bay Beach, dude.

Hey, boys, now I know how to get there to that beach.

Dude, I told you we should have at least asked.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know where that beach is.

It's just down the road there a little ways, just a little ways. It's just a

little piece down the road down there a little ways. You just keep on going, not

too far. You see the parking lot? Just pull right on in there, go past the

bush, and go right into the trees, and that's where you'll find that beach.

Hell yes! Finally, man! Who needs Cousin Larry when you got the wiener man

himself? And y 'all make sure I tell everybody I did that, too, because we're

going to try one of them other scrumptious, luscious wieners.

Thank you, wiener man.

No problem.

Don't mention it.

They're some good boys, but I didn't take them to be them homosexuals until I

saw you feed them them wieners, and you're feeding them wieners.

I can get off at 730 and eat back here, baby.

This is it, man. You're finally going to lose your virginity at Bay Beach.

About time. I was almost getting nervous.

Dude, there's no reason to get nervous, man. Just think about all those babes.

Hmm. I wonder if Lobster Man will be there.

I dropped my phone.

Dude.

Shit, we're getting pulled over.

Dude, what about the package that Renato gave us for your cousin Larry?

Dude, don't worry about that. It's probably just drugs or something.

Oh, shit, it's probably drugs.

License and registration, please.

Yep, right here.

Any idea why I pulled you over today?

Not a clue.

Well, you swerved a couple of meters back there. No, sir, I wasn't swerving.

straight as can be.

Have you been drinking today?

No, I don't drink.

I'm allergic, man. I could die.

Uh -huh.

So where are you fellas headed today?

We're actually headed to Bay Beach.

My friend Danny here is finally going to lose his virginity.

Bay Beach?

I ain't never heard of no Bay Beach before.

Well, it's the place that this guy is going to get laid and lose that V -card.

Shouldn't worry about your friend's sexuality choices like that, son.

My thoughts exactly.

All right, I'll be right back with your ticket. Oh, man, a ticket?

Yeah, a ticket. Be lucky that's all you're getting.

What's in the box?

Damn it, he saw the box.

Honestly, officer...

My cousin Larry's friend, Rinaldo, gave this to us, and he told us to give it to

him.

Hmm.

Rinaldo's sexy puppet workout time?

It's just some stupid workout tape? I thought it was going to be drugs.

Man, I'd have busted your ass in a heartbeat.

Let's just leave the ass -busting to my friend Danny here, if you catch my

drift. Ass -busting?

I don't think I'm ready to try anal yet.

Oh, dude, you're going to love anal.

All the big porno dudes give it to the girls and they can't get enough of it.

Maybe you should stop watching so much porno, son.

It's starting to rot your brain.

You're going to tell me you don't watch a little bit of porno? I do like the

ones with alternative hair.

What's alternative hair porn?

I don't know. I don't even watch porn, dude.

I watch porno every freaking day, and I turned out to be a pretty cool

individual, if you ask me. Maybe he's got a point. The porno's probably rotted

your brain out to the point where all you can think about is sex.

Did you see the chick in the diner who just threw herself at me? My life is a

porno, dude. And I'm bringing you along for the ride, whether you like it or

not. Yeah, whether I like it or not.

Holy shit. Yes.

Yes. We finally made it. We're here at Bay Beach.

Let's go.

Calm down there, Spaz. You're going to scare everyone away before we even step

foot in the sand.

Dude, we finally made it to Bay Beach.

And we're going to find an exotic model type broad to leave a big old hickey on

that pale ass neck of yours.

I don't even think I've ever actually had a hickey.

They immediately increase your sex appeal. Just a big old purple veiny

right there on that little neck of yours, man.

You've got some weird shit going on in that head of yours. And you're going to

have some weird shit going on around that boner of yours. Let's hit it.

What are you doing, man? Come on. Look, I'm not trying to leave the beach

looking like a real -life lobster, man. I'm sorry we can't all naturally be tan

like you. And that's why I get all the ladies, Danny.

But I promise I'm going to save some for you.

There's plenty to go around here at Bay Beach.

Let's go!

No.

No. No.

Oh,

my God, no.

Damn you, Witterman!

How is... any of this the wiener man's fault he gave us directions to a gay

beach not bay beach well maybe that's just what bay beach has turned into

days you know populated by the gays there's nothing wrong with that what do

mean there's nothing wrong with that man this place was supposed to be swimming

with hot chicks and bikinis ready to pounce instead it's just a freaking

fest man we gotta get out of here what do you mean we gotta go we just got here

we finally made it to the beach isn't this a beach trip why don't we just

you know relax and soak up some sun and chill in the sand did you not hear the

part where i said this is a gay beach so what we're not gay dude we can't be

seen here man we'll lose cool points for being seen on a gay beach it's just a

beach dude like these guys aren't worried about cool points and you know

props to them for being open enough about their sexual preference to not

about convening on a public beach together and they shouldn't have to

about shitty opinions like yours on whether or not it is cool to be seen on

gay beach no it's cool for them but not for us two straight dudes looking for

babes man you two bozos stole my dad's booze i knew it you're stalking us uh no

i'll come down here every saturday to catch some sun with my bros Well, it

like a pretty nice place to catch some rays. Oh, it is. It's the best beach

around. It's the best place to come for out with your guys and catch a tan.

Play some badminton.

Flex those muscles.

Never a girl in sight to distract you from anything.

It looks like a gay beach to me, dude.

So what if it is, my guy?

I'm bisexual, and I'm proud, my guy. And we can be gay on whatever beach we want

to be at.

Aren't you dating my ex? Does she not know about this? We're polyamorous, bro.

You're missing all the good stuff.

What does polyamory mean? It means she, him, they, they can do whatever they

want. But it doesn't matter because she broke up with me.

Yeah, after your dumbass filled the dormitory bathroom full of vodka and

koi fish in it from the fountain and got yourself kicked out of campus housing.

I tried to stop him and that was after he filled the pumpkins with M80s.

You totally did not try to stop me. In fact, you helped me with the whole

Oh, no, I did not.

You asked where you could find some koi fish, and I said the nearest ones were

in the fountain. I didn't think you were going to take them for a vodka bath.

It was for science.

Science, my ass.

You guys took my dad's drink earlier.

He was dressed as Santa, the world's nicest man.

That's his shtick, and you took his damn drink.

Is your dad homeless?

Don't worry about whether my dad's homeless or not. Tell him I said Merry

Christmas.

We got to go, man. We're trying to get Danny laid.

Danny laid?

You idiots can't get Danny laid.

Can I have all this for 20 bucks?

Mm -hmm.

That's it, a prostitute.

Come on, man. Let's go.

Oh, my God. Are you out of your mind?

Hey, lady, are you a prostitute?

No, no, no, no, no, no.

Hey, lady, are you a sex worker? My buddy here needs to lose his virginity.

needs sex now.

Dude, stop. What the hell?

That guy kind of looks like a prostitute.

Hey, buddy, how much? My friend here, he's looking for a good time.

Hey, buddy, how much? My friend here, he's looking for a good time.

Well, that depends on what you want. I got H -Js, B -Js, F -Js. For the right

price, you can get this sweet book.

Dude, stop. This is so embarrassing. Do you even hear yourself right now? You

sound like someone that's about to go to prison.

What? You want to get laid, don't you?

Not by some large, cross -dressing male. And you already tried to get me to

sleep with that cat man.

Dude, what do I look like to you? Some kind of desperate loser?

You just got to take what you can get at this point, man.

No, absolutely not, dude. I don't want to lose my virginity to some freaking

random woman on the beach. And it's like you haven't even listened to a single

word I've said or done anything that I wanted to do. You're too busy living in

this porno fantasy world of yours where we all get laid all the time to even

think about the two of us just spending some time on the beach together, man.

I'd much rather be at home.

playing video games or reading Lobster Man, but no, I'm here at the beach with

you soliciting prostitutes. What the hell, man?

This isn't how I want to live my life. Oh, this isn't how you want to live your

life? You don't want hot babes sucking on your little man meat?

You haven't even lost your virginity yet and we still haven't made it to Bay

Beach.

I don't?

care about bay beach and please remind me of what i ever said to you that i

actually want to lose my virginity you don't care about bay beach man you don't

want to lose your virginity i don't need this negative energy from you okay why

don't you go get lobster man go pop a cherry whatever dude

hey wanna date

Come on.

We'll talk about it. All right.

Cousin Larry, finally, man.

Hey. Hey, what the hell, man? I've been trying to call you all day. Like, where

are you?

Yeah, I can be there soon. All right.

Man, I can't believe Jeremy leaving me all alone at the beach. All he cares

about is frickin' poon. That's terrible.

Oh, yeah.

Some guy with an acoustic guitar.

I wonder if he's here.

Monster Man!

Oh, man.

Oh, wait.

Dude, you're the guy with the acoustic guitar. Yeah, I'm a guy with acoustic

guitar. So when do you play, man? I saw the flyers everywhere.

No, I'm a guy with an acoustic guitar.

So you don't play?

I'm just a guy with an acoustic guitar.

Well, I guess that's still pretty cool.

Dude.

Bro, why you beating on my door like Ron Jeremy?

Oh, my God. Get in here, little cousin Jeremy, buddy.

Don't little cousin Jeremy.

My little cousin, baby. Get in here.

Come on in, baby. Have a seat, man.

Man, I've been trying to call you all morning. You've been calling me? Yeah,

didn't see any of my missed calls?

Man, I ain't seen nothing all day. I've been on my bike all day. Bike? What

happened to the Trans Am?

Long story, but basically I saw it was in quick cash.

Someone actually bought that thing?

Not exactly. I kind of lost it in like a street race.

Street race?

Yeah, you know what a street race is.

Yeah, like... Like a street race. Fast and Furious, man. Okay.

Basically, I was riding on the road.

And, you want some bread? Yeah, I'll take some.

Yeah.

Don't eat off mine.

But, so I was cruising on the road, man. I was basically Tyrese from Too Fast,

Too Furious. Ty, okay. And, uh... Yeah, I was just listening to good tunes, man.

You know the good stuff like Tupac.

Yeah.

Tupac.

Tupac. Yeah.

Hit the chorus right when I ran out of the corner. I was like, California love.

Opened my eyes right into a damn tree.

Jeez, man.

Cop ran up on me too, man, with guns drawn and everything. You know what I

looked at him and said?

What'd you say?

Turned my neck right this. I looked him straight in the eye. I said it.

What'd you say?

I said it. I just said it. Thug life.

You know Larry?

Yeah, you're my cousin Larry.

And you know how I do.

I'm surprised you're even alive, man. Why didn't you just pull over?

Well, first off, that thing ain't even been insured.

Of course.

Since 2003.

Yeah, of course not.

Yeah, man, basically just bite, bro.

Two wheels like God intended, man.

No more Trans Am for me, baby. Went from four wheels to two wheels and no more

exhilarating than driving down the road. You got the wind in your hair, baby.

You're a real man.

What kind of bike are you driving?

Oh, bro, straight up Huffy right now. I used to do some tricks, so I was

Mongoose, but now Huffy.

You're riding around on a damn BMX bike?

Yeah, bro, I ain't got no license. That's the next best thing, man. Those

bikes be getting it, though.

I'll tell you what, man.

The way you look while you're riding down the street and you see a hot chick

that look she gives you in her eye.

I don't think that she's looking at you for the reasons you think that she's

looking at you, man.

Oh, here she is, man. Have you ever seen that dude pop a willy on a bike on a

huffy? Sexy as hell. Want some more bread?

Yeah, I'll take some.

Get your big old piece over there. Go ahead and grab it.

So what's up?

Why were you trying to call me all day?

Let's hear it. Babe Beach, dude.

I dragged Danny down here with me to lose his virginity.

but you wouldn't answer the damn phone, so we ended up at a freaking gay beach,

man.

Please, for the love of God, tell me where it is. I'm tired of going around

wild -ass goose chase.

Babe Beach?

What's Babe Beach?

Babe Beach. You used to tell me about it when we were younger, like all the

time, man.

I have no idea what you're talking about, man.

Please tell me you are messing with me right now, man. This whole trip has

counted. On you telling us where Bay Beach is at.

Bay Beach, bro. Yes.

I remember.

Okay. Now I remember what you're talking about. I remember the story.

Then please tell me where it is so I can find Danny and take him there.

All right. So I got some kind of bad news for you, dude.

Do you remember that movie?

Babe. And it had a part two.

Babe pig in the city with that cute little pig.

The what? The pig.

Talking Pig, that movie? What? Brother? Oh, hell yeah, that's the one.

What about it, man? What does the movie about a talking pig have to do with Babe

Beach? Baby, it's got everything to do with it. You were probably seven or

eight, which makes me probably about 18 when that came out.

And they were doing a part three of the Babe franchise.

Babe, Pig on the Beach.

They were doing a promotional photo op. And you could go get your picture taken

with that adorable little cute pig, Babe.

Dude, tell me you are lying to me right now, please.

No, bro, I'm not lying. I was lying in the end.

Dude, you told me that Bay Beach was a place where there's all these beautiful

women in bikinis dying to get laid.

You literally told me about that every time when we were kids. I've literally

fantasized about the damn place ever since then.

Well, bro, first off, relax.

Have a chip.

Okay?

Salt and vinegar.

I told you a lot of things back then, man. All right?

We were at Grandma's on Thanksgiving. Had to pass the time somehow, okay?

So, you know, that's what I told you. But anyway, how's she doing?

Dude, I haven't talked to Grandma.

I've been too busy trying to get Danny down here to get him laid.

I've been dreaming about a place that doesn't even exist.

Why aren't you trying to get laid yourself, brother? You still with that

No, man. She dumped me. I'm single as hell.

Aw, man.

You break up with me because you're no problem?

Because you're coming too early?

Bruh. From what I hear, it happens to everybody. I mean, not me.

Shut up. I haven't told anybody about that.

Bruh. Nothing wrong with that. If anything, all these girls need to take

compliment to how beautiful they are. I mean, why you ain't told nobody?

I just wanted everybody to think I was the cool guy that got laid all the time.

Bro, the only person you ever talk to is Danny.

So who's everybody?

I mean, you've been putting on this false image this whole time for Danny

to get him laid and get him to lose his virginity? No, man. I just want him to

be the cool friend that gets laid all the time.

Buddy, let me tell you.

He doesn't care about that. That's what friends are for, man. Just be yourself.

If you have a problem, talk to him about it. Just be open and honest.

Where is Danny, anyways?

I don't know, man. We got into it earlier.

Well, what happened?

Well, we had this trip to come down here to lose his virginity. Then we ended up

at a freaking gay beach because he wouldn't answer your phone.

And then, last resort, we're going around soliciting prostitutes for him.

then he got mad and yelled at me, and then I haven't seen him since.

Buddy, I'm going to tell you right now.

I know for a fact Danny doesn't even care about getting laid, brother.

What do you mean?

Well, listen to yourself, man. It sounds like you drug him along on this crazy

harebrained adventure just to get him laid without even listening to what he

wants to do, man.

I just thought he would want to have lost his virginity by now.

Man, not all people are sex and sex, brother.

You know, there's more to life than just physicality. I mean, sex with a girl,

it's damn sweet, man. There ain't no denying that.

But I feel like you tuck him on this crazy adventure, you know, just to get

your ex -girlfriend and your nutting problem.

Sounds like you just wanted to get Danny laid to get your mind off all that.

Man, how did you just break all of that down?

Well, if I had to answer honestly, it's kind of a mix.

I did a lot of acid mixed with a binge of What's the Hell at a Full House.

I guess you could just call me a...

Uncle Jesse.

That's the cool bike riding guy, by the way. I don't think that's how that works

out, but I'll be damned if you didn't just crack that whole situation.

Look at you, John Stamos. Right?

What?

Who's John Stamos?

Don't worry about it, Cousin Larry, man. Thanks.

That's what family's for.

You just got to be honest with yourself first.

Where do you think Danny is?

Well, he said he saw some flyer about a guy playing a guitar on the beach.

Well, baby, break time's over for me.

Break time? What the hell are you talking about?

Yeah, man, I'm a professional. I only do like 15 minutes for a break.

Well, what do you do?

Aunt Ronnie didn't tell you?

Tell me where. This is my job, brother. I clean houses.

Wait, this isn't your house?

Of course this ain't my house, man.

I just clean this place up.

You're cleaning houses for a living?

Yes, best job in town, bro.

I'll tell you, man, I could have went to college. I could have been a doctor or

a lawyer.

But that would have sucked, man. I'm living my best life out here, man. I'm

writing huffies. In my off time, I chug the beers.

I stack paper.

Bro, best job in town.

This is the job for Cousin Larry.

I've really got to get my shit together.

Oh, by the way, I stopped by Rinaldo's house.

He gave me this workout tape to give to you.

Oh, man.

It's good to see this guy's finally doing something with his life.

Selling drugs and making workout videos is doing something with your life?

Buddy, sometimes you gotta make the change you see in the world. You can't

sit around and wait for life to carve that mountain on its own.

You know who said that?

Who?

Bob Saget.

Who is Bob Saget?

Are you crying right now?

You're crying. You're crying. I'm not crying. You are definitely crying.

It's Danny Tanner, bro.

America's dad.

Danny Tanner. You and your old shows, man. How high are you right now?

Buddy.

I'm so high.

I'm so high.

Cousin Larry, sober up and clean this damn house. I gotta go find Danny.

I'm proud of you.

You're a good boy.

You know what?

I think I'm gonna like housecleaning.

Danny!

Jeremy! Well, thanks for leaving me, man.

Sorry, man. I just had to work through a couple of things.

Yeah, you're telling me after you're crazy enough to leave me on the side of

road? After soliciting prostitutes? You got a few things to work on, dude.

Yeah, I get it now.

I finally got to see Cousin Larry.

Well... Did he tell you how to get to your fabled and legendary Bay Beach?

No.

He actually told me that Bay Beach doesn't even exist.

Doesn't exist?

Of course.

Of course it doesn't exist, Jeremy.

It was just some story that he made up when we were younger to entertain me.

It had something to do with Babe Pig and the City.

Well, I can't say that's really a surprise, Jeremy. I'm sure that's not

story he made up either.

It was a surprise to me.

I looked up to that guy my entire life just to find out that he's a burnout

never amounted to anything.

It took you until now to realize that?

I guess I just had to come see it for myself.

But it really was eye -opening for me. I definitely do not want to end up like

him. But maybe if I listen to my friends and actually take what they want into

consideration, then I'll be a better person for it.

And you learned all that just from seeing how much of a bum your cousin is?

Surprisingly, he made a few interesting points, too.

It just took me, me and him make all those bad life decisions to understand.

And, I mean, man, the guy is riding around on a hockey bike and cleaning

now. I don't want to be like that.

Oh, and Danny Tanner.

What does Danny Tanner have to do with any of this?

Forget I mentioned Danny Tanner.

Hard to explain.

Dude, that's why you gotta lay off the boo, the drugs, and the porno, man. Or

least take all that stuff in moderation so it doesn't get in the way of your

normal life.

And I mean, you definitely don't want to end up like your cousin Larry, riding

around on a huffy and cleaning houses for a living. But color me impressed.

You know, all it took was me standing up for myself and a dose of your failing

cousin, and voila!

You're a changed man.

Who would have thought this beach trip would have ended up with you growing up

little bit?

Not me.

I thought it was going to end up with you getting laid and losing that

virginity. So you see now that I never cared about getting laid, right?

Yeah, I get it, bro.

You don't care about getting laid or having sex.

It's fine.

I found out I was just pushing that on you to make me feel better about myself

getting dumped and the fact that... And the fact that what, dude?

I gotta be honest with you about something, man.

Go for it, man. Come on, you can tell me anything.

I've only had sex with my ex, and it was one time.

You've only had sex just once?

What about, like, all those times you were telling me about?

Yeah, man, I have this problem.

I cannot believe I'm telling you this right now.

I come really early, man.

I'm a premature ejaculator.

And what's the problem with being a premature ejaculator? I mean, isn't

like, a good thing? Like, first. First in the race, man.

The problem is that I can barely have sex, man.

Remember the lady in the diner? When she pushed me in the bathroom?

I was already done before I even got started.

Well, that's nothing to be ashamed about, Jeremy. The way I look at it, at

you're getting what you want.

I just wanted to be a good role model for you, man.

Care about you.

That's ridiculous, man. I don't need a sexual role model. I just need a friend.

One with some goals in life, other than just sex.

I get it, man.

There's more to life than just sex.

Learning it.

But he's still here to antagonize us?

Actually, no, my guy. I've been dancing with this cool bro all day.

Oh, you've been dancing with him? Or has he been dancing with you?

Either way you look at it, man, we've been getting our groove on.

And hanging out with this guy all day has taught me a major life lesson.

Between hanging out with him on Bro Beach and boogie boarding and having

burgers down at Butt Rucker's. I mean, Fuddrucker's.

I learned to not be so tight.

Just go with the flow, baby.

Oh, we know.

You go with the flow whichever way it presents itself to you.

It only means one thing, man.

I'm not mad that you guys took my dad's booze anymore.

And I'll see what I can do about getting your names off the naughty list in time

for Christmas.

Why don't you come hang out with me down at the bar later?

I'll let you see Santa for real.

Dude, we're finally back on Santa's good side.

You know what's even cooler than being on Santa's good side?

That girl over there wearing the Lobster Man shirt.

Where? Right over there, man. Go on.

Hey,

sweet Lobster Man shirt there. You know, I'd actually be a really big fan of

Lobster Man.

You're not a part of the Crustacean Clan, are you? Oh, no.

I'm sworn to protect this planet by the lobster oath from the Crustacean Clan.

Did someone say Crustacean Clan?

Lobsterman! Oh, my God, it's really you!

Of course there's a guy dressed as Lobsterman on the beach.

It's hot in there. Oh, hey, Cousin Jeremy.

What's up, dude?

I do this on the side, man.

Dress up as Lobster Man on the beach, take photos with fans.

Super lucrative, brother.

Do you want a photo? Ten bucks.

Of course we want a photo.

Will you take our picture?

Sure.

There's no place like Bay Beach. There's no place like Bay Beach. There's no

place. Can you hold the sign up?

Let's get a close -up of the insert of the sign.

Oh, put your hand on it. Right over there.

Yeah.

Go ahead.

Whoa!

There's going to be a beautiful day of tanning with your butts out.

You're kidding.

You're dating someone that has a homeless Santa dad?

What is it again?

I mean, they're on hold right now.

You're kidding. You're dating someone

that has a

homeless Santa dad?

What?

They're a homeless Santa dad?

Whip it.

And that's why I get all the ladies, Danny.

All right.

It's none of your business, Charlie.

You can't see what he's doing.

All right.

I don't know. He said he saw it.

I'm really digging this bread.

Okay.

Danny. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Who are you, by the way?

At the end, I just do that.

Wait, who are you again?

Which only means that I'm not mad at you boys anymore for stealing my

dad's booze. And I'll see what I can do about getting your names off the naughty

list in time for Christmas.

Come on down to the bar. I'm sorry.

I'm trying to hold it in. I'm trying to hold it in. Bert.

You can't even send a number to my phone. I don't want no evidence on that

ain't coming home.

I don't even leave a shirt. I don't want to leave a tooth, Bert. I don't want to

trust too much, Bert.

Old man poop.

Grandpa, get that shitty hand out of my face.

All right, boys.

We got to get out of here. I haven't had this much shit in my drawer since

Grandma decided to make tacos out of squirrel meat.

Sex appeals, if you had a copy.

I just

want to yell out.

Just biting into it.

There's a shower right there. It's going to rinse you off. Oh, yeah. No, I don't

give a shit. We'll rinse you off, boys. We'll rinse you off real nice and good.

Bye.

Hold on, hold on. Give him like 10 more seconds to dance. All right.

Keep dancing. Keep dancing. Dance your heart out.

I can't, I can't, I can't, man.

Let me talk to you.

Let me talk to you.

Are you sure this is the place? I feel like we live in the same neighborhood.

Yeah, man, this is definitely it. Thanks for the ride, guys.

No problemo.

Hey, Danny, did I ever tell you about the story that Grandpa Billy used to

me about?

What story?

You can tell me a little story about a little place called Cougar Cove.

Cougar Cove? What? Yeah, man.