Original subtitles

- Hi, I'm Rekha,

and I'm feeling extremely confident

that I'm gonna play a dramatic role today.

(upbeat music)

- [Vic] Today we're giving this comedian

a total transformation.

(Rekha laughs)

They have no idea who or what they're about to become.

- I'm a freaking turtle.

I know it.

Everything about this screams turtle.

- [Vic] Once they see themselves in the mirror,

they'll have to make up a character on the spot

and then sit down with me for an improvised interview.

This is "Very Important People."

(upbeat music fades )

- Each and everything you're putting on me

makes me believe less that I'm a turtle,

but I have to stick to my original idea.

(Rekha laughs)

Now,

this could be a turtle still.

- [Producer] Open.

(upbeat music)

(Rekha laughs)

- Oh, disgusting.

So, I thought I was a turtle.

And it's pretty clear

that you guys went in a different direction with that.

So, everyone has to forget

all the turtle stuff I said earlier.

And this is who I am now.

Interesting about the feet being bread.

That's not something you see every day.

I was right.

This is a dramatic role for me 'cause I'm a vegetarian.

I'm really experiencing POV hotdog.

How scary it would be to be eaten.

People talk about how they don't know what hotdogs are

or like where they come from.

I think they come from me.

(producer laughing)

I put the hot in hotdog, bitch.

(upbeat music)

- Roar.

(door closes)

We all have a story to tell.

And sometimes those stories

need to be shared with the world.

Good evening.

I'm Vic Michaelis,

back with another edition of

"Very Important People."

Please introduce yourself.

- I am the Mother Hotdog.

(dramatic music)

- Thank you for being here.

We know how busy you are.

And you are a hero.

- I don't consider it being a hero

to be bred for your dinner.

(Vic laughs)

- Like a pun.

- I'm gonna kill myself.

- I'm sorry.

Hey, how about this?

Why don't we,

I'm sorry I touched your bun.

Mother Hotdog, thank you for being here today.

We so appreciate.

We know you are a very busy

and important pillar of our community.

- I'm here to tell my story.

- If you don't mind me saying, you seem a little depressed.

- I guess anybody would be depressed

if little parts of their body got taken out of them

and given to people for dinner.

- I know a lot of us know the story,

that you're sort of the origin of all hotdogs.

And I didn't realize, (Mother Hotdog farts)

Did you fart?

Did you pass wind?

- We have to be cool.

- I have to be cool.

- So, crazy that I'm, literally, the origin of all hotdogs

and you're gonna talk about me doing that fart.

- It was just for sound.

I was wondering if we wanted to cut that part.

- You wanna cut that part?

- I don't necessarily want,

- You want me

to cut the part? - I think it's very natural.

I think a lot of people pass wind.

- Why are we still talking about it?

- Mother Hotdog. - It's like

you can't get over it.

- Origin of all hotdogs.

- Yes.

- Dinner for so many people.

- I'm working around the clock.

4th of July is my hell.

- Santa is to Christmas,

you are to 4th of July.

- [Rekha] Yeah, and guess what?

That jerk only works one day a year.

- You have beef with Santa.

- I'm gonna kill myself

in three seconds. (Vic laughs)

- [Vic] No, I'm sorry.

- Three. - [Vic] No.

Hey, hey.

You know what? - Two.

- And let's start over.

We're gonna take it back.

And I do apologize.

I thought maybe adding a little bit of levity

to the situation would help.

But I'm seeing that it's not a joke.

- Thank you.

- It's something that I'm personally working on,

making sure that,

you know, we're taking serious things seriously.

And we're seeing and we're hearing and we're listening.

- Okay.

And are you succeeding at all?

- I think so.

As you can see, we have an on-set therapist here.

And so, if you need anything,

you can also ask him any questions about yourself.

- I am Catholic and I don't believe in therapy.

I will not be seeing you.

- You're Catholic?

- Yeah.

- Is that because they don't do meat on Fridays?

- They don't?

- They're also really big on you can't kill yourself.

- I have renounced Catholicism.

Any religion that prevents me

from doing what I want with my horrible life

is not the religion for me.

- I'm seeing that we're stressed.

- [Mother Hotdog] Yeah. - We got a lot on our plate.

- Three.

(Vic laughs)

- No, and I'm sorry. - Two.

- Woo-woo-woo.

Rewind.

I wanna know about you.

I wanna know about where you come from.

- I am from a slaughterhouse

in Atlanta, Georgia.

- Do you remember being a pig and or cow?

Or is that sort of like an amalgamation?

- I am a hotdog.

- A hotdog.

- [Mother Hotdog] I always hear the joke.

People go, what's a hotdog made of?

Hotdogs made of all the crap that's left over.

- Sure.

- Newsflash.

Put that underneath.

Breaking news.

- Oh, we don't really have a VFX budget this season.

- Breaking news. (urgent music)

(Mother Hotdog imitates type writer)

Hotdogs are their own thing.

It is not made of other things.

- Well, hotdogs are made of you.

- Exactly.

- Can I ask a personal question?

If you kill yourself, what happens?

- Are you in?

- What do you mean am I in?

- You gonna help?

- [Vic] No, I'm not gonna help.

I'm just curious.

You know, Santa, when he dies,

Tim Allen takes over.

And so I'm sort of wondering

what happens in your situation.

- When I die,

nobody picks up the mantle.

4th of July you're starving.

- A hamburger.

- Flat hotdog?

No thanks.

- [Vic] Okay.

- They're disgusting.

Don't eat them.

Breaking news. - There's no breaking news

and there's no sound effects there.

Actually. - More at 10.

Hamburgers are their own thing.

- We're on exclusively

at 3:30AM. - And they're disgusting!

- [Vic] After you've watched "Game Changer".

Slaughterhouse.

- Yes.

- You, sort of, game consciousness.

- I woke up, I said, (gasps)

And there was no doctor to slap me.

You probably got slapped.

- You think I got slapped as a baby?

- Yeah.

- I don't remember sort of gaining consciousness.

My first memory is when I was four years old

and my twin sister and I went to Delia's.

Do you know Delia's?

- I mean, maybe if the clerk has a blood sugar problem

and they're eating one of my kids during their lunch.

- Okay, so hotdogs that come off of you,

you refer to as children.

- I'm the Mother Hotdog,

so they're my children.

- You're sort of a hotdog Christ-like figure.

Giving your only children to be eaten.

- I am back on Catholicism.

- Right.

- I have converted back to Catholicism.

- At what point do you sort of gain consciousness

and realize, oh my gosh, my,

my children are leaving my body.

I have some sort of affinity towards them.

- You know, sometimes when you go to the bathroom?

- Sure.

- You kind of feel like a weight has lifted,

but it's not like you've actually lost something.

You know?

- You just spend a lot of time being like,

those are my children.

And now you're describing your children's as...

pieces of...

shit?

- Is that not what human children are?

- I, you know,

I think there's a lot of,

So, I'm hearing a lot about what you are.

And I wanna know more about who you are.

Who is Mother Hotdog?

What does Mother Hotdog want?

- You're gonna think it's stupid.

- I'm not.

- Yeah, you are.

- No, I'm not.

You don't know me.

- Um,

I wanna walk New York Fashion Week.

- New York Fashion Week.

Okay.

Hey.

You know what?

We are gonna get you out there.

We are gonna get you all ready

and we're gonna get you in front of the right people.

- No.

What?

- [Vic] Mother Hotdog? - Heidi?

- No, she's not here right now.

I'm just saying let's, - Heidi?

- [Vic] How about this?

How about we get a PA to fly in some wine.

- Oh!

- [Vic] We're gonna,

we're gonna loosen up here.

We're gonna have a little bit of

fun on set. - Hello.

- And thank you.

- [Mother Hotdog] Thank you. - And thank you so much.

(Mother Hotdog gasps)

Wow.

Okay.

Ooh. - Wow.

Okay.

- So, hey, oh.

- [Mother Hotdog] You

get a taste.

- Okay. (nervous chuckle)

Is it gonna hurt you if I bite this?

Do you feel? - Don't worry about it.

Don't worry about it.

Don't worry about it.

(Vic bites)

Fuck.

- Are you okay?

I spit it out.

- Fuck.

- [Vic] Okay.

And so, this is,

And we're, sort of, tossing that.

Hey, it's okay.

- What?

Was it good?

- Honestly, it was really delicious.

- You want another one?

- Let's do a little bit of drinking and then we'll see,

we'll see where the afternoon takes us.

- You have a pal now,

so you can get 'em whenever you want.

- I don't take that lightly.

I want you to know that.

- Tit for tat.

Friendship.

- Okay, maybe we can get tattoos later.

- Yeah.

- I thought maybe we could play a little drinking game.

- I've never played one.

- Oh, what about "Never Have I Ever"?

Have you played that?

- Never.

(melodic music)

- I have played, so I take a drink.

- Okay.

And then I do one.

So, I'll go like, never have I ever been to a sleepover.

- Um,

some of my kids,

I squeezed them out

and they went to a sleepover

at this 10 year old's birthday party.

- [Vic] Oh. - It was car themed.

- Oh, that's fun.

- Does that count?

- Did they sleepover?

- They got eaten.

- Right.

- But they lasted till 10:00PM.

- Yeah, okay, we'll say that counts.

You can take a drink. - Oh.

(Mother Hotdog slurps)

- Okay. (Mother Hotdog cheers)

(Vic cheers)

Okay, now it's your turn.

Now you do one.

- Never have I ever been a stupid, bitchy hamburger.

(both laugh)

- I've never done that either.

So, cheers to that.

Okay.

- So, you drink when you do it and you don't do it.

- Yeah.

So, we, sort of, drink on both of 'em.

(Mother Hotdog slurps)

- Ah. (laughs)

(Mother Hotdog slurps)

You got it? Okay.

(Mother Hotdog cheers) (Vic cheers)

Okay.

Never have I ever played a drinking game with my friend.

- Guess what?

- What?

- Finger down.

- Finger down.

And cheers to that.

- [Mother Hotdog] Cheers to that.

- We're doing it now.

(Mother Hotdog cheers)

- Yeah.

- We're gonna go ahead and fly in your bag

for a segment we like to call,

What's in my bag?

(melodic music)

- Oh, you weren't supposed to find that.

It looks like shit.

- Well, let's just sort of go through this.

Look.

This isn't bad.

What is this?

- That's my wallet.

It's empty.

- What do you mean?

There's so many credit cards in here.

- They're all maxed out.

- Mother Hotdog.

All of these are maxed out?

Is nobody paying you for your children that they're eating?

- I don't get any money.

There's no union.

- Are you in a relationship?

Can I ask?

- Never.

- That's okay. I'm divorced.

- Nobody loves me.

They only use me.

Honestly,

I should just die.

- Don't say that.

Don't say that. - [Mother Hotdog] Yeah.

- Look, you have so much fun stuff in here.

What are these?

- Three.

- Diapers?

- Two.

- [Vic] You have diapers?

Oh, adult. - Are you judging me?

- I'm not judging you.

Why do you have adult sized diapers?

- Sometimes they can't control when my kids come out.

- [Vic] Oh.

- And I don't want them to fall on the floor,

'cause they'll start crying

and then everybody in CVS looks at me.

- Yeah.

- And so, I had to scoop 'em all in the diapers

and I keep 'em near my butt

until I can leave and go to my car and take 'em out.

- Your kids come outta your butt.

- Uh-huh.

- Okay.

Let's go ahead and let's maybe take a look at these.

Oh, okay.

Hey.

(box rattles)

Fun.

What are these?

- I have postpartum depression every single day.

400 times a day.

This is a PSA.

Breaking news. (dramatic music)

- We can't do that.

- Postpartum depression

is real.

- [Vic] Yeah. - And I,

Double breaking news. (dramatic music)

- [Vic] We can't do that. - At 11,

- so there's no,

it's not - I have

- [Vic] There's no scroll. - postpartum depression.

- [Vic] We're gonna move on.

Hey, look at this.

We got a passport and some lip gloss.

- It's a shade I would never normally do,

but I bought it to be experimental.

- I love that.

- I practiced my model walk in the mirror.

- Can I see it?

- You wanna see my model walk?

- I'll show you mine if you show me yours.

- Okay.

- Show me yours. - [Vic] Okay.

Okay, ready? - [Mother Hotdog] Yeah.

Uh-Oh. (Mother Hotdog claps)

- Okay, here we go.

Ready? Here we go.

Here's my model walk.

(runway music)

- That was really ghoulish.

- [Vic] Do you mean that? - That was good.

- Maybe two of us will be walking at Fashion Week.

(Mother Hotdog cheers)

- Okay, you wanna see mine?

- Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Here we go.

- You okay, Mother Hotdog?

- [Mother Hotdog] Can you gimme some um,

(hotdogs squish) music that I feel good...

- [Vic] What about- Oh, god.

Okay.

Oh, I'm noticing you got a couple of kids here.

Okay.

Here.

What do you want me to do with them?

I'm not really like a parent type.

- It's important that they see me first.

- Like a duckling.

(smooches)

- Sarah Beth.

- Oh.

- Michael.

- Okay.

- And Luca.

- You named them all?

- They're Catholic.

- (chuckles) Okay.

- And I want you to have them.

- Really?

- All right, gimme music.

- Okay.

(Vic sings) (melodic music)

- Pick it up.

(Vic sings faster) (melodic music)

Faster. (Mother Hotdog farts)

(Vic sings) (melodic music)

Faster

(Vic sings) (melodic music)

John.

(Vic sings) (melodic music)

(hotdogs squish)

(Vic singing) (melodic music)

(Mother Hotdog farts)

(Vic sings) (soft rhythmic music)

Gabriel.

(smooch)

Eli. (smooch)

Jesus. (smooch)

- Jesus?

(Vic sings) (rhythmic music)

(Vic sings) (rhythmic music)

- [Vic] Okay, I think we,

I think we got that.

You nailed that.

- [Mother Hotdog] You do?

- That was incredible.

And I don't just say that.

I see a lot of people on the show

and a lot of them, they're like, how's my walk?

And I'm like, oh good.

And I don't mean it.

I'm kind of lying to them.

But that, honestly,

and I mean it, was amazing.

- That's so nice.

- [Vic] Yeah.

Oh, my God.

Okay.

(smooch)

- God. - [Vic] Oh, God.

And so, you go ahead and sit down.

- I'm a model.

- [Vic] You are a model.

And I think a model walk needs a model purse.

Let's have a PA fly in our new purse.

- Whoa!

The free stuff is already rolling in.

- Can you picture this, sort of,

walking down the runway at New York Fashion Week?

- It looks like a carabiner.

Thank you.

- So, we can go ahead

and we can put all of your things in your new purse.

- Wow.

- And this, we can just sorta,

(purse tumbles) - This is the model life,

right?

- Free stuff. - [Vic] Don't look at that.

- Wine flowing freely.

- If you don't mind,

I'd like to ask you some rapid fire questions.

- You've earned my trust.

(melodic music)

- Do you floss after or before you brush your teeth?

- I floss on the dance floor.

- [Vic] (chuckles) Okay.

Have you ever had surgery?

- I mean, I guess I've had like

four

million C-sections.

- Is a doctor involved at all?

- No.

- [Vic] A medical professional?

- [Mother Hotdog] Home birth. - And by yourself?

- By myself.

- A single mom. - Single mom.

And single hotdogs don't get any respect.

- I know that's true.

Ex,

single ex stepparents also get,

absolutely, no respect, anywhere.

Is the bun a part of it?

Sorry. - Huh?

- Well, I was wondering if the bun is a part of your body.

- This is clothes.

This is facial moisturizer.

- This is facial moisturizer.

- Did you just touch this?

- (chuckles) No.

I sort of pointed close.

Sorry.

What do you-

That's fine by me.

Is this not okay for you?

Oh, sorry.

- Are you touching it?

- [Vic] No, I'm not.

You know what, we're gonna go ahead and move on from that.

Okay, last, but certainly not at least,

something that I ask each and every one of my guests,

what is the meaning of life?

- Well, if you had asked me this before this interview,

I would've said, there is none.

Three, two, one.

Goodbye.

- Goodbye.

- Then if you had asked me slightly at the beginning,

I would've said,

it's Catholicism.

Jesus is the way.

We have to follow God's orders.

If you'd asked me slightly after that,

I would've said, atheism rocks.

Forget God.

Eschew religion.

It's faith.

If you would've asked me slightly after that,

I would've said, Jesus is our savior.

We have to protect him and listen to all of his ways.

- Mother Hotdog.

I asked you right now,

in this moment,

what is the meaning of life?

- The meaning of life is

to reach a place

where you can understand

how your past has affected your present.

But you do not let it stop you.

Instead you find a new path forward

and you create the life you always envision for yourself.

- That's really beautiful.

Are you sleeping?

Mother Hotdog?

- Are you touching this?

- (chuckles) No, I'm not.

I just sort of went there and I went, there, there.

Okay.

And that's totally fine.

We have the new bag.

We have the new walk.

- [Mother Hotdog] Eh. - Now it's time

for the new look.

We're gonna do a whole skincare treatment.

(Mother Hotdog gasps)

Let's fly in the supplies.

(Mother Hotdog screams)

(melodic music)

Here, you can hold, sort of, this mirror.

I think we're gonna start off with some mist.

(bottle squirts)

So, that's lotion.

(bottle squirts)

Sort of.

Oh, right down the belly,

sort of on the bib.

But here is a, sort, of like a broad spectrum sunscreen.

(bottle squirts)

And so, that didn't come out correctly.

And, normally, I'd be so mad,

but we're chill and I took some deep breaths.

So, we're gonna do that.

Okay.

We're just gonna do a little bit of this

and we're gonna do it in circles.

Oh, my God.

Look at that.

- Is it blending?

- Look in the mirror.

Look in the mirror.

I swear, look.

(soothing music) (Mother Hotdog gasps)

Do you see that shine?

- I look dewy.

- You do.

Let's just do a little bit of,

we, sort of, mixed in some moisturizer

with the mustard to, sort of, get the color code going on.

And then I, - See.

Here's a public service announce, by the way.

- Okay.

- Amber alert.

(alarm sounds) - We can't do,

- Hotdogs like mustard.

This is the one thing that's actually nice for us.

- [Vic] Amber alert?

- Silver alert.

(alarm sounds) - No, don't,

- Give hotdogs mustard.

- Let's go ahead

and let's blend this in with some more of your mustard.

- [Mother Hotdog] Yeah, please.

- Here we go.

Oh, look at that color.

- Is it good?

- It's beautiful.

You wanna do something for me?

- I would love to.

(soothing music)

(brush plops)

- How does it look?

- Oh, my God.

You are looking like a hotdog.

- Is it blended?

- Hold on.

(soothing music)

Okay. - Okay.

- We have a base layer.

- [Vic] Okay.

- And now some of the, - [Vic] Oh, my gosh.

- some of the sunscreen.

- Oh, man.

It's almost like there's something that's burning my eyes.

Is that a good feeling?

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

- Okay.

- Exfoliating.

- Okay.

(soothing music)

- Okay.

And then hold on.

(Vic sputters)

- Is there a horseradish?

(Vic coughs)

- Do you mind painting my nails?

- I would love to paint your nails.

And will you paint my nails?

- Yeah.

That's so good.

- I think that one's perfect.

And now my turn.

(soothing music)

Oh, my God.

This color is stunning on you.

- Stop it. Are you sure?

- I swear to God.

- It doesn't look like ketchup?

- No, it doesn't.

Go show the camera.

(soothing music)

(Mother Hotdog giggles)

- I feel beautiful.

And you sure it doesn't look like ketchup?

- I'm 1000% positive it doesn't look like ketchup.

It looks like a beautiful model

that's about to walk in New York Fashion Week.

(soothing music)

- Thank you.

- You're welcome.

- Because terror alert,

(alarm beeps)

- Hotdogs - No, you can't say

- don't like ketchup. - terror alert.

I think the mustard got my eyes.

- Is that true?

- Yeah.

But it was worth it.

(serene music)

- Vic.

- Yes.

- You taught me I'm more than a mother.

- [Vic] Okay.

- I'm a woman.

- I'm so glad that I could do that for you.

- I'm a hotdog.

I'm a woman.

I'm a hot, hotdog.

- You are a hot, hotdog. (laughs)

- Yeah.

Um,

(soothing music)

- Oh. - And it's been so nice

to feel that again.

- [Vic] Right.

Oh.

Oh, I see.

No.

- What?

- No.

No.

- [Mother Hotdog] But I thought,

- Well, like in a friend way.

- You kept touching my belly.

- Yeah, no.

So, because I was like, oh, we gotta rub that.

I was like, we gotta rub that in.

- You, literally, just touched, but my clitoris.

- That's your clitoris?

You know what?

I'm so sorry.

I thought it was like, oh, we're friends.

You know what I mean?

I thought it was like a friends thing.

Sort of, like I was helping you

and I like,

and I fixed you as I fixed many people on this show.

And so, I thought that was, sort of,

what was happening here.

- Oh.

- It happens, truly, all the time.

- No, it doesn't.

- Don't worry about that.

- Yeah. - Okay.

- No, I'm not worried.

- Okay.

So, we'll, sort of,

And we'll,

And that's our show.

(upbeat music)

I'm Vic Michaelis, reminding you to be true to yourself

unless you'd rather be somebody else.

Good night.

(upbeat music)

(Mother Hotdog plops)

(upbeat music)

Not again.

(Vic sighs)

(upbeat music)

(upbeat music continues)

(upbeat music ends)

- Great first day.

Amazing first day.

So, crew,

So, quick announcement.

Yes.

Yes,

I was spending the last six months

hosting the "Unipod Pomaz,

Hungarian English Language Weather Minute",

just outside of Budapest.

And it was lovely and it was a life changing experience.

I did decide to leave that job,

even though they were like begging me to stay,

they really wanted me there,

to come back here.

And why?

Because there was an extra year left on my contract

and they, sort of, said, "stay.

If you wanna stay, stay."

And I said, "no.

You need me here.

You need me here."

And they said, "we don't."

And I said, "that is your anger talking.

That is your fear of what could be talking."

And so, here we are.

And we're making it work.

And we're doing it.

And we love it.

And we're all happy and we're all smiling.

So, if we could all be smiling a little bit more,

I think that's gonna make us feel better.

(stars chime)

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