All language subtitles for The Drew Carey Show (1995) - S03E11 - Volunteer (720p WEB-DL x264 8bit AAC 2.0 DJPitaB).eng

[instrumental music]

Drew.

I'm a genius.

Are you ready to see
the best promotion

for Buzz Beer ever?

Ta-da!

- Wow! You are a genius.
- Uh-huh.

So, listen, did it
come to you in a dream?

Or when you saw those guys
with the big Budweiser bottles

up in the trash
behind the liquor store?

Drew, I'm a genius. Uh...

(Lewis)
'Hey.'

- You a genius too?
- Sure.

Hey, I, uh, finished making

more space in your
basement, and good news.

Look what I found.

Hey, it's that great
apron that we gave you.

Hey, wait a minute.

I thought you said
that a trained falcon

flew away with
it at a barbecue.

Oh, yeah, must have
brought it back after

all the other
falcons laughed at it.

(Oswald)
Oh.

Hey, guys, when you're done

with my dad's old "Playboys,"
put them back, will you?

Oh.

Hey, "Inside Liberace's
swinging bachelor pad."

This must be from
the who-knew issue.

[Oswald chuckles]

[doorbell rings]

Coming.

Hello, Drew.

Oh...

Reverend Lindemann.

Did I get you at a bad time?

No, I was just
about to kill a guy

and then go covet
my neighbor's wife.

- Ha ha. Come on in.
- Thank you.

- Hi, Reverend Lindemann.
- Hi, Reverend Lindemann.

Uh, uh, Drew. Um...

[chuckles]

I'm sorry to
bother you, but, uh

I'm looking for volunteers to
work at the county nursing home

and if you could
help out at Riverview

it would be
greatly appreciated.

Whoa, wait a second.
The Riverview?

That's the roughest
nursing home on the westside.

That's where that guy got kicked
to death for his apple sauce.

Didn't your grandpa
used to live there, Drew?

Till he tunneled out, yeah.

That's why it's hard
to get volunteers, Drew.

But these people
are God's creatures

and they deserve help
like anybody else.

Don't you mean God's children?

You heard me.

Well, I do have
so many blessings.

I guess I can help, yeah.

Not an argument
I was ready to make

but, uh...
good for you.

Yeah.

- I'll see you Saturday.
- Huh.

Uh, oh, by the way, Drew

if you're lonely,
you can come

to the Christian's Single's
Night at the Church.

Uh, Lewis is always there
chatting up the young ladies.

Christian's Single's Night, huh?

Oh, I suppose you prefer

some loose drunken woman
in a smoke-filled bar?

Well, so would I,
but that didn't work.

So, welcome to Plan B.

♪ Aah aah aah aah
aah aah aah aah ♪

♪ All this energy callin' me ♪

♪ Back where it comes from ♪

♪ It's such a crude attitude ♪

♪ It's back where it belongs ♪

♪ All the little chicks ♪

♪ With their crimson lips ♪

♪ Go Cleveland rocks ♪

♪ Cleveland rocks ♪

♪ Livin' in sin ♪

♪ With a safety pin ♪

♪ Go Cleveland rocks ♪

♪ Cleveland rocks ♪

[echoing]
Ohio!

[instrumental music]

Hey, Mimi. Why no
shield on your helmet?

Bugs too afraid
to hit your face?

Very funny.

How'd you spend
your weekend?

Looking to get lucky
at LensCrafters?

I wish.

I got sucked into helping out

over at the Riverview
Nursing Home.

Hell's waiting room?

- Are they payin' you?
- No.

Doing it 'cause my pastor
asked me to help out.

You know, it won't hurt you
to do a little volunteering

every once in a while.

What are you talking about?

I'm in Big Sisters,
Trolls for Tots.

And every day
I don't put a harpoon

in the back of your head,
I'm saving a whale.

[laughing]

Attention, everyone!

It's time for a fire drill!

Johnson, you're fired.

[laughing]

Well, then, I guess it's
not really a drill, is it?

Carey, Johnson was going
to do inventory this weekend.

- Now, it's up to you.
- Inventory on the weekend?

Thank you, sir! Whoo!

Happy over inventory?

Carey, your life is
worse than I'd hoped.

Well, I'm just happy
I won't have to volunteer

at that stinking
nursing home again.

If I wanna get yelled at and
treated like I'm nothing, I'll

I'll come straight
to you, sir.

Thank you, Carey.

Volunteer at
a nursing home, eh?

That's just the kind of
original and unique idea

I could take credit for.

- Good morning, people.
- Mrs. Louder.

Have you ever thought
about nursing homes?

What? You're fired.

No. No. Not you.

I-I think of you
as my baby sister.

No, I mean, what would
you think of our employees

volunteering at
local nursing homes?

- At the weekends, of course.
- I love it. Let's run with it.

Carey, as head of human
resources, I'm putting you

in charge of organizing
this spontaneous

outpouring of kindness.

[chuckles]
Back to the boneyard.

Excuse me? I think we
found Carey's number two.

We certainly have.

Back to work, everybody.

Speaking of sex...

...have you hired
a new Larry for me yet?

I told you, Mrs. Louder, I'm
not hiring boyfriends for you.

I got your memo, but I refuse
to ask the applicants

to send in pictures of them
shirtless on a pony.

Fine!

Then, facedown on a seesaw.

Well, that was
an awkward situation.

Here's another.

The volunteer program
is mandatory.

So, you're, uh, forcing
people to volunteer?

Gee, that's kind of ironic.

Oh, look, everybody!

Carey's detected an irony.

He's smart.
Smarter than me.

And yet, I still
make more money.

Oh, look. Now, I have
detected an irony.

[instrumental music]

Now, it's time for our lesson
in senior self-defense.

Repeat after me. I have a gun!

(all)
"I have a gun!"

I'm old and life in prison
means nothing to me!

(all)
"I'm old and life in prison
means nothing to me!"

Lesson over. Any questions?

You know, this afternoon
with you people has been

one of the nicest
experiences of my life.

I just wanna say that I'm so...

[alarm rings]

Oh, did my hour.

Okay, see you on the other side!

Alright. It's time
for some serious poker.

Where's my
poker buddy? Tom?

- Oh.
- Tom?

Honey.

Sweetie.

Tom passed away this
morning. I'm sorry.

Oh, man.
First Ed, now Tom?

You've been here two
weeks, that's the second

senior buddy you've lost.

I guess they weren't
just whiny hypochondriacs.

I won. I beat him.

I beat him fair and square.

What'd you win?

[Drew panting]

It's not fair. You didn't
give me enough of a head start.

Eh, come on.
Quit your crying.

[clears throat]
Let's see the money here.
Let's go, huh?

Hey, you want a...
a little advice.

Don't pass out in this place.

A lot of people are
looking for kidneys.

Alright. Game time, huh?

Who wants to play Bingo? Bingo?

Who wants to give
Lewis' wallet back?

There's nothing
in here anyway

except a condom
older than I am.

You know, the problem with you
people besides being evil...

...is that you have too
much time on your hands.

Now, come on. Who wants to
play a little dodge ball, huh?

What do you think?
70s against the 80s.

- Dodge ball! Well, dodge ball.
- Yeah, I'm in.

You're out.

Alright. That was fun.

Maybe watch a little TV, huh?

Yup. We only get
one channel, PBS.

Oh, that's okay. Look, there's
a nice nature special on.

"Elephant Graveyard. Knowing
where they go off and die."

Oh.

I hate those nature
specials anyway.

"Watch now as a monkey
picks lice off his mate."

God, I miss my wife.

[sniffles]

Well, maybe we can figure
something out, I mean...

Oh! Hey!
Look, it's 4 o'clock...

I mean, uh, I'm sorry,
it's 4 o'clock.

I've to go do inventory.
See you next Saturday. Bye.

- Helen?
- Oh.

Say, uh, how about taking us
down to the store with you?

No way.

I'm sorry,
I mean, no way!

Look, we're-we're-we're just
looking to get out of here.

I mean, uh,
TV's busted.

Radio is a piece of crap.

You know how many people
have died on that couch?

What do you say, people?

How many wanna get out of here?
Let's hear it, huh?

- What do you say?
- I have work to do.

- I have work to do.
- We'll help ya.

I can't have you work
at the store for free.

I'll get in big trouble
and I can't pay you.

We're not looking
to get you in trouble.

I mean, we won't say
anything if you won't.

You know something else?
I knew your grandpa.

Yeah. He gave me these pants.

His last words were...

"...I want you to have
a good time in my pants."

If you stop talking,
I'll take ya.

Okay. Everybody, let's go.

Field trip. Here we go.

What the hell are we gonna
do at a department store?

Founder's day sale.

We found ourselves
a sucker. Come on.

Alright, I can take
three people in my car.

Who's got a pacemaker?

Good. I need a jump.
Come on, Sparky.

Hey, hey, hey.
Slow down there.

[instrumental music]

Man, you guys are doing great.

I would've been here
all night without you.

Oh, Helen, don't touch
anything on Mimi's desk.

Sometimes she
booby traps them.

Oh, come on, Drew.

[coin clanking]

(Helen)
'Oh!'

See, it's obviously a trap.

Roast beef.

Maybe if I grab
it really quick...

Uh, Helen, can you, uh

pull on that Employee of
the Month plaque over there?

[Drew shouts]
No, not that one!

- Oh?
- I'll get you, my pretty.

And the pickle too.

Hey, uh, Helen,
come here a minute.

You wanna help stack
these empty boxes here?

There you go.
Right in that area, okay?

That's good, yeah.
Boy, uh

you look like you
need a little help.

(Drew)
'Oh, here, let me help you.'

[camera clicks]

Just, uh, takin' a few shots

for the old activity
board, you know?

That's good.

Say, uh, Helen

uh, you've been
working pretty hard.

You look like you
could use a little water.

Excuse me.

- Oh!
- Ah. Doggone.

Here, let me get that.

Drew, I've already
started the bend.

Don't stop me now.

Uh, careful, there's
a broken glass over there.

[grunts]
That's good.

Hey, I got an idea. How about
a nice cheesecake picture of me?

Oh, great. That'd be wonderful.

[camera clicks]

(man on TV)
'There has been
continuing investigation'

of the county's nursing homes.

The Channel Five news team
has uncovered a story of

charity gone astray.

Hey, hey, hey, Drew,
look, look, you're on TV.

Oh, somebody from the Riverview
must have called the TV station.

I bet it's one those
humanitarian stories.

Hey, Tim, crank it up!

[applause]

...resources director,
Drew Carey

on this week's
"Shame Of The City."

What?

We had a chance to talk
to 69-year-old Gus Schnabel

a resident of the Riverview
County Nursing Home.

Well, uh, we were just
getting ready to go to bed.

It was, uh, it was about 4:30

when Drew... Mr. Drew...

That's what he wants
us to call him

at least when he's drinking.

He dragged us out and made us
work all night for nothing.

What? That's not what happened.

(Gus on TV)
'He said we couldn't go home
until the floor was'

'clean enough to eat off.'

'And he ate off it.'

That's not what happened.
She wouldn't let me help her.

He bought doughnuts
for everybody and he ate

half of 'em himself.

That's not what happened
either, right, Drew?

Right?

Oh!

If you wanna help
the good folks at Riverview

donations can be sent
directly to the home

in care of Gus Schnabel
at this address.

Oh, see, that's
why he did it.

He bad-mouthed me
to get free stuff.

You guys believe me, don't you?

Sure we believe you,
but you did have

that yelling match with
that old lady last year.

I stood behind her at the ATM
for an hour and a half.

I think she was trying
to get on the Internet.

Come on, someone
has to believe me.

Look, why do you think
I would lie to you?

I've been coming to
this bar since I was 15.

Eighteen.

I would not lie
to anybody in this bar

unless I was sexually
attracted to 'em.

Goodnight.

[instrumental music]

(Drew)
'Morning, Frank.
You think I lost weight?'

- I didn't, but thanks anyway.
- Boo.

My hair?
No, I cut it myself.

Check out the back. Look good?

Well, if it isn't
the shame of the city.

Saw the news, huh?

No.

Drew, have you seen all
these senior citizens

picketing outside?
It's a mob scene.

Why haven't you
talked to Gus yet?

I tried, but he
won't return my calls.

Then I called Ted Henry
at "Five On Your Side"

and started swearing.
He got a little mad.

By the way, I'm gonna
be on again tonight.

Oh, Drew.

Hell, I don't even know
how I'm gonna get past

all those people
to get home.

Don't worry.
I got it covered.

I got you a senior
citizen's disguise.

Oh, cool,
where's the rest of it?

Well, you're pretty much
wearing it. Good luck!

- Mr. Carey, you're fired.
- What?

At least that's what the press
release will say. Read it.

Oh, man, it's bad
enough livin' it

but seein' the word
"loner" next to your name...

You're not really fired.

This is just a way to take

the public pressure
off the store.

Oh, so you believe me?

Oh, I've known you
for ten years.

You couldn't hurt
an older person.

Oh, thank you.

No, I mean, physically

you couldn't hurt
an older person.

I can take you
out right now.

Ow, hey, pretty fast there.
Okay, stop it!

I'm just saying I could
beat the crap out of you.

So, how's this work?

Everybody's gonna
know I'm not fired

if I keep comin' in here.

Oh, you'll work out
of our Akron office.

And in about a month, we'll
hold another press conference

and you'll apologize
for your actions

blaming it all on booze
and an abusive mother.

I can't do that.
My mom didn't abuse me.

- She never touched me.
- Even better.

She neglected you.

You were too ugly to hold.

Wait, I'm not doing this.
I didn't do anything wrong.

I'm not gonna confess and tell
everybody I'm a senior basher.

You know, if I have to I
can take this all the way

to the Supreme Court.

To nine old people?
Good idea.

Listen, Carey, you're
a valuable employee

and I'll back you
to a point.

But you cost me
a boyfriend and now this.

So if you won't do it my way,
you better get those seniors

to admit they lied
before tomorrow

or you re-e-eally
are fired.

Well, that's it.

I'm going down to that
senior citizen center

to get my good name back.

And I'm gonna go get
the senior discount at lunch.

[instrumental music]

Gus! Gus, you're
gonna talk to me.

[gasps]

Uh, I thought it
was your grandpa

coming back to get his pants.

I can't believe you sold me
off for some stupid toys.

Now, if I don't wanna get fired,
I've to bad-mouth my mother.

And this morning, old people
threw eggs at my house.

How do you know
they were old people?

They were driving so slow,
I had time to walk alongside 'em

and talk to 'em for a while.

He was a pharmacist,
had a place in Toledo.

But that's beside the point!

I trusted you
and you screwed me.

But... what are
you talking about?

You did help us...

You know, when people see
bad things happen to people

on television,
they send them stuff.

This is just like
that movie "Cocoon"

which incidentally, thanks to
you, we now have on laser disk.

We got your big screen TV here.
Where do you want it?

Oh, over in the corner.
That's gonna be our media wing.

What're you guys doing here?

Hey, don't worry, buddy.

We'll get your good name back.

We came up with a plan that

should solve all your problems.

Something we saw
in a cartoon once.

And it wasn't animals
doing it, it was people.

That's right.

Okay, I'm gonna try to talk
some sense into Gus here.

Plus, I have a couple
other things up my sleeve.

Now, if for any reason
my plans don't work

don't do your plan. Got me?

- Got it.
- Got it.

- Hey, Gus.
- Hmm.

Listen, man,
you knew my grandfather.

How about, how about
coming clean for his sake?

Alright, I'll tell you what.

I'll give you his pants back,
we'll call it even, okay?

No!

(Lewis on TV)
'And now we return
to "Cinema For Seniors."'

Oh!

Johnny, I've been shot.

I know it's coming.

But before I go,
I gotta clear my conscience.

I lied about a guy, just
so I could get some fancy

stereo equipment,
video cameras and a VCR.

It's World War II.

Oh, my God,
I'm seeing into the future.

Ah.

Now, I know I'm gonna go.

Please tell the world
I'm, I'm sorry I lied.

[crying]

Oh, my God.

Let's see what happens when
we change channels, huh?

Click.

- Hogan.
- I know nothing. Nothing.

And this concludes
our broadcast day.

♪ Uh huh uh huh ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

Alright, I give up.

So, you guys ruined my life,
but I'll tell you

I'm not gonna stop
helping people.

I'll tell you something else

I'm getting
something out of this.

Something you can't
take away from me.

This VCR.
Nobody needs five of 'em.

Hold it, Carey.
You're not goin' anywhere.

Mrs. Louder,
what are you doing here?

Have you had any luck
with these people?

I tried, Mrs. Louder

but they're all
self-centered and greedy.

Step aside, Carey.

Now, listen up, people!

I know how hard it is
being a senior citizen

on a fixed budget.

My maid is going through
the very same thing.

But, on the other hand,
you started to boycott

some of my stores and
no one screws with a Louder.

So, here's the deal.

Sign this affidavit
saying that Carey

never mistreated
any of you.

Or I buy this place
and turn it into

a Starbucks
and a Baby Gap.

But they'll take
all our stuff back.

Oh, shut your
Jell-O whole.

The store will
replace everything.

- Happy, Carey?
- Great job, Mrs. Louder.

You put the yee-yo in CEO!

I like a tough woman.

Oh, I like a man
who speaks his mind.

Only 30 years younger.
Shove off.

I'm outta here.

Hey, baby. You almost done here?

Your sweet thing is
getting cold in the car.

In a minute, Larry.

Oh, by the way,
Drew, thank you.

No problem.

Alright, we had a deal.

I'm dating Louder again, Louder
helped you, now it's your turn

to pull a few strings.
When do I get back to work?

- 'Whoo-hoo.'
- I'd say in about 15 minutes.

[instrumental music]

Let's watch
a game show.

Okay.

[imitating a buzzer]
A tomato?

I'm sorry, the correct
answer is a "tomahto."

[sighs]

Let's watch Jerry Springer.

- You shut up.
- Oh, you shut up.

Oh, you shut up--

[clamoring]

- You know what's always fun?
- What?

- Professional wrestling.
- Yeah.

You come into my house
and talk to me like that?

[both grunting]