All language subtitles for The Drew Carey Show (1995) - S03E09 - Drews Brother (720p WEB-DL x264 8bit AAC 2.0 DJPitaB).eng

(man on radio)
'It'll be a cold one
tonight in Cleveland.'

'The low is expected
to be four degrees.'

Man, that's the last time
I go inside for snacks.

I'm hot, I'm cold,
I'm hot, I'm cold.

My little buddies don't know
whether they're comin' or goin'.

Hey, guys, look.

I'm freezing my butt off.

Now it's rump roast.

I'm freezing my butt off.

Now it's rump roa...

- Uh-oh.
- Oh.

Was that
the heat lamps or the sun?

Ow! This hurts,
my sweat is freezing!

(Drew)
Quick, everybody inside.

Ow, ow, ow!

Well, there goes another summer
where Lewis didn't get any.

Hey, uh, now that we've seen
summer in the backyard

who wants to see
fall in the basement?

- Oh, I gotta see this.
- Oswald, stop!

He's just gonna push
you down the stairs.

Again?

[knock on door]

Pizza delivery for Drew Carey.

I didn't order a pizza.

Wow, his thoughts about
food have become so strong

he's ordering it telepathically.

Hey, just take a look at the
pizza, you might want it anyway.

- Say it, c'mon, say it!
- No!

- Say it!
- Alright, alright.

- You weren't born a girl.
- And?

And that's not why
mom and dad named you Drew.

- Big brother! How you--
- Aah!

- Say it.
- No!

- Say it.
- Okay!

- I'm a girl.
- And?

That's why mom
and dad named me Drew.

- And?
- Good to see ya. How you doin'?

[laughing]

Oh, what's it been,
almost two years?

Yeah. Some brother, doesn't even
call me to tell me he's comin'.

- So, where's the pizza?
- Ah, very funny.

No, no.
Where's the pizza?

You haven't changed a bit.

I mean it.

Where's the pizza?

Just tell him you ate it.

We once spent three hours
trying to explain

an empty bucket of chicken.

- Kate. Oh, you look beautiful.
- Thank you.

Oswald, great to see ya.

Lewis.

Steve.

Well, come on, Lewis.

That prank was
almost 20 years ago.

So, you peed blue
a couple of days.

Hey, I thought I was dying.

Parents took me to the hospital.

They poured barium
in every orifice of my body.

Oh, sure they tried
to make it fun.

Told me to think of my butt
as a... hungry clown.

Aw, everybody
forgot about that...

...Blewis.

[laughing]

I should've killed you
when I had the chance.

- No, go to your happy place.
- No, I don't want to.

- No, that's not gonna work.
- Go to your happy place.

- Go to the happy place.
- Aah.

Oh, you see,
nothing changed here.

What brings you to town?

Well, I finally
pulled the trigger.

I got engaged.

So, she's gonna get her
citizenship, what do you get?

No.

And I'm not engaged
anymore, either.

We got in a fight and broke up
on the way over here.

Oh, are you sad?
Or should I say, blue?

[laughing]

Even from
the happy place. Yes!

[sighs]

God, you poor guy.

Well at least you
still have that cushy job

down at the plant.

Burned down.

(Kate)
'Oh.'

Uh, hey, new shoes!

Anyway, I have no reason
to go back to Florida

so I was thinkin' maybe
I could live here with you.

What do you think,
little bother?

Well, uh, I don't know...

Hey, sounds like fun.

[theme music]

♪ All this energy callin' me ♪

♪ Back where it comes from ♪

♪ It's such a crude attitude ♪

♪ It's back where it belongs ♪

♪ All the little chicks
with their crimson lips ♪

♪ Go "Cleveland rocks!" ♪

♪ "Cleveland Rocks!" ♪

♪ Livin' in sin
with a safety pin ♪

♪ Go Cleveland Rocks! ♪

♪ Cleveland Rocks! ♪

Ohio!

Thanks for letting me stay here
and get over my broken heart.

Hell, if anybody understands
rejection and humiliation

it's my little brother.

Hey.

There's a guy with
a girlfriend here

and I got a picture
to prove it, look.

I had her wave her hand around

so you could see it wasn't
a cardboard cut-out.

Wow!

Alright, I think you
looked at it long enough!

Uh-oh, still
a little sensitive

about me
stealing your girlfriend?

Nah, I'm over that.

Who cares about some cousin
dad paid to go out with me.

She was our cousin?

Yeah.

Ooh, that was close.

[door opens]

Hey, uh, so I can't
tell you how happy I am

you're gonna be
spending some time here.

How long exactly
am I gonna be happy?

Hey, I'm outta here
the minute I get a job.

Growing hair seems to be work.

Get out.

Hey, you know, there's
an opening at Global Parcel.

- Really?
- Yeah.

And you get to deliver packages

to single women during the day.

- You got any good stories?
- No. Do you?

Hey, Drew, you do the hiring
over at Winfred-Louder.

Can't you get me something?

Well, if you're willing
to work you're butt off

I guess there's
something we could do

but I don't think you'd be
happy with any of the jobs.

Try me.

Well, there's an opening
at the loading dock

but with your back, I don't
think it's such a good idea.

And then, there's opening
for an in-store model

but... with your front

I don't think it's really
such a good idea.

Oh, yeah, I forgot,
you got the looks.

'What else?'

Okay, we have accounting, uh

toddler and infant wear,
cosmetics...

Hey, cosmetics, isn't
that where Kate works?

It'd be fun to
work with Kate.

Yeah, we could use
a guy down there

with all the new men's products.

Why don't you tell him why
there's an opening in cosmetics?

Hey, she tried to
take my commission.

I barely touched her.

She was the one
that got all dramatic

and threw herself down
the escalator.

And that's not even
the amazing part.

The amazing part is, she
kicked herself in her own ass.

Well, look, you're under
no obligation to keep me

if I don't do a good job.

And, I can keep
Kate out of trouble.

We'd be a good influence
on each other.

Well...

Well, it looks like you guys
would make a pretty good team.

I can't believe you made us
20 minutes late.

Hey, somebody broke down
on the side of the road.

It was a random act
of kindness.

Random?

The first time you ever
stopped to help someone

and it's a donut truck.

I wound up changing the tire

you spent the whole time
in the back.

Hey, I was trying
to save lives!

'Oh.'

Could've been someone trapped
under all those donuts.

Here, put this
under sign card.

Hey!

It's Jackie! Oh, my God.

If you've gotta know, Podunk,
I, tried a new line of cosmetics

and I had an allergic reaction.

The doc said no make-up
for two weeks.

So, underneath those
glasses and those scarves

you're not wearing any make-up?

No.

Wow. Were you scared
when you saw it?

No! Go take a flying... poke
and a don't pick...

[screaming]

It's like Samson
without his hair.

Stuff it, curly cheeks.

Oh, jeez...

Nice try sneaking
in late, Bobeck.

Now lose this silly disguise
and let's get to work.

I can't, sir.
I-I have allergies.

I'm not wearing any make-up.

Oh, well, I'm sure
it can't be that bad.

Don't touch the glasses, sir.

[whimpering]
Oh, you're hurting my wrist.

Sorry, I forgot
you were British.

This is insane.

You can't come in
to work everyday

wrapped up like
the invisible man.

Tomorrow, I want no glasses, no
scarf and if need be no make-up.

Fine, I come in tomorrow
with nothing on my face

just like that day I was born!

Born?

I heard she burst out
of her mother's stomach

scurried across the delivery
room and killed a doctor.

That's cruel, Carey.
Nice to see I'm rubbing off.

Yeah, thanks.

Hey, uh, listen,
here's another one.

It's my brother's first day
down at cosmetics.

I thought it'd be pretty funny
if you went down there

in just
a few minutes and fired him.

- Okay.
- Uh, not for real.

I mean,
you know, as a joke.

Alright, I'll do it for you if
you play a little joke for me.

- Okay, just name it.
- Alright.

I want you to go downstairs
to the nurses' office...

This will kill 'em.

Get a hemorrhoid
donut pillow.

[both laughing]

Bring it up to my office, blow
it up and put it on my chair.

This shade looks natural on you

which is what we're all
going for, isn't it?

I'm wearing this
entire line right now

and believe me
you have no idea

what I wake up to
in the morning.

(Drew)
Hey.

Morning.

Uh, don't mind me,
I'm just waiting for somebody.

[whistling]

[blowing air]

She'll ring you up over there.

Thank you for shopping
Winfred-Louder.

Is this a joke?

'Cause there is a right time
and a wrong time to tell a joke.

Oh, look, it's the wrong time!

This is not a joke.
I'm a cross-dresser.

- No.
- Yeah.

No!

Drew, feel my leg.

Oh, my God!

(Nigel)
'Fee fi fo fum'

I'm in the mood
to fire someone.

Carey, where's your brother?

Well, hello.

Whose this, then?

Hi. I'm Stephanie.
I just started this morning.

Oh, new women employee, eh?

No wonder Carey's down here,
sniffing you out.

[stammering]
Uh, uh, my brother, sir, uh,
he changed his mind.

And, as it turns out, uh

he'll be working in
ladies Big and Tall

So, sorry you missed him.

Hey Drew.
Hey, Mr. Wick. Hey...

Oh, Steve...

Steve?

By George, you're a man!

Oh, good job then.
Carry on.

Carey, could I talk
to you for a moment?

Nope. Got to run. Bye.

Is this a joke, Carey?

We can't have this sort
of thing on the floor.

We've a very
traditional clientele

here at Winfred Lauder's.

So by the end of the day,
I want him fired!

Welcome aboard, Stephanie.

Looking forward to
many years working together.

You'll see
the humor in that later.

Well, I just have
one question.

Are those the earrings
I gave mom for Christmas?

(Kate)
'Thanks for picking
us up, Oswald.'

Here's a question.

Why are you wearing a dress?

I'm sorry. We should
have said something.

- I'm a cross-dresser.
- Oh!

Well, you look
real pretty there, Steve.

Do you think Drew
went straight home?

Let's see, brother in a dress.

Hmm. No, I'd say,
he stopped for a beer.

Could you drop me
at The Warsaw?

I should talk to him.

Do you think
I should change first?

What do you usually
wear to a bar

to get the crap
beat out of you?

Hey, this is silk.

- I'd better change.
- Yeah.

Here's another question.

Why are you a cross-dresser?

Well, let me
ask you something, Oswald.

Why do you, uh,
go to baseball games?

Why do you eat ice cream?

Why do you take
bike rides in the park?

Well, 'cause it feels good.

Well, you should try it
in women's underwear.

It's unbelievable.

[laughing]

No, there were no signs.

There was nothing
to prepare me for this.

I mean, this is the guy
I grew up with. It's my brother.

This is the guy
that taught me how to take

a girl's bra off
in the dark!

Of course, he knew.

Sorry, man. I guess he just
never grew out of the phase.

What phase?

You know, the phase when you
put on your mother's clothes

and dance around the house
singing songs by The Supremes.

You know,
like every guy goes through.

Right, Drew?

Lewis, how old were you

when you went
through this phase?

What phase?

The one you were
just talking about.

I wasn't talking
about any phase.

I was just sitting here
being a regular guy

like I've always been.

Oh, well, that's gonna stain.

Hey.

So, uh, you changed.

I saw how uncomfortable
my clothes made you at the store

so I figured
I'd dress like a guy.

Well... mostly.

You know, you put me
in a real spot at work?

I...I don't know
what the hell to do.

You know what I'd do?

What?
"Stop In The Name Of Love?"

Come on, Lewis.

And, uh, don't feel bad.

I once went through a phase

where I smoked cigars
and belched.

- Really?
- No, I didn't, sweetie.

I guess you're just
some kind of twisted freak.

Okay. I've a couple
of questions.

Why did you just have
to show up to work like that?

Why didn't you just tell me?

I've been trying
to tell you for years.

I left all kinds of signs.

Remember, when dad
kept finding

my girlfriend's clothes
in my bedroom?

Those were your clothes?

I used to dance with them.

Once I went out on my own

I just figured it was easier
to keep it to myself.

Then I came here, I thought...

"What the hell,
I'll show Drew

then it'll all be
out in the open."

Okay. Look. It doesn't have
to be a problem, alright?

You just show up to work
and then dress as a guy.

That's when I need
to dress up most.

When I dress like a woman,
it gives me confidence.

Okay, look.

And-and don't take this
the wrong way, but...

You know, you don't make
an attractive woman.

Hey, I'm not that bad.

I'm as good-looking
as mom was at my age.

Oh, man! Here comes
the nightmares.

Look, I, I heard Wick
wants you to fire me and...

...I'm not gonna
cause you anymore grief.

I can find a job
some place else.

Don't worry about it.

Hey... wait.

Look, don't quit.

I'm-I'm not so hung up
on appearances

that I would screw you over.

You know, you're...

...my brother, man. I'll...

I'll go in there
and I'll fight for you.

Hey, uh...

...are you gay?

'Cause, you know, if you are,
there's federal laws

that will
protect your job.

Nope. Not gay.

Ah, that's a shame.

You know, if you were
a pregnant gay senior citizen

with carpal tunnel syndrome,
I could make you

a CEO of that place.

[instrumental music]

(Mimi)
'Hey!'

Get out of my way!

Hey, look what hit the fan.

Uh, I thought that Mr. Wick
said you couldn't have anything

covering your face today.

Shut your trap!
I'm not gonna.

[clicks switch]

There.

Technically, I'm not wearing
anything on my face.

Hello, Carey, Mimi...

You're shining
like a morning star.

Hey, maybe I can wish
upon your face.

Nope. You're still here.

I'll be right back!

I left all my "screw-you
expressions" in the car!

Drew, everybody's downstairs
and ready to go.

Oh, I hope for
Steve's sake, this works.

[knocks on door]

Mr. Wick, can you
come out here for a second?

What now, Carey?

The family dog
want to be a cat?

No, but the family cross-dresser
wants to work in cosmetics.

And I'm not gonna fire him
till you hear me out.

You haven't fired him yet?

I told you, I'll not
have a man in a dress

scaring away my customers!

But even you
couldn't tell he was a woman

till Kate said something?

I would have eventually.

I could tell
a man from a woman

in the dark with my hands
tied behind my back!

Not that I ever would have.

You know,
it's not always that easy.

And matter of fact,
I'm willing to bet

my brother's job on it.

What are you
suggesting, Carey?

A little contest called,
"Dude Looks Like A Lady."

If you can't tell
the men from the women...

...my brother
gets his job back.

Alright. I'll play
your little game.

But if I win...

...what can I take from you
that you really care about?

Your pool table.

Not my pool table.
That was my dad's pool table.

Can't you just...
take Nicki for a night?

I'm kidding!

- Hey, I'll do it.
- What?

I'm kidding.

I'd rather have
the pool table.

I'm not kidding.

(Drew)
'Okay, now somewhere
in this department'

'I've planted four men
dressed as women.'

Alright and all
I have to do

is find one in one minute.

It's child's play.

But if you make
a wrong choice, you lose.

So, Mr. Wick... spot that man!

Ha!

Hello, welcome
to Winfred-Louder!

Look at you, you're the cutest
customer I've ever seen!

Too smooth. Beat it.

Right.

Good morning, madam.

No, no apple. Alright.

Let's see if we can,
uh, find a banana.

[grunts]

Foxy.

Oops! I've dropped my keys.

Now I have no option,
but to bend over

and display my luscious bum.

Uh-ha! Who's looking?

What are you staring at, Carey?

Brains behind
Winfred-Louder, sir.

Hey, I could be a man.

Why don't you pick me, ha?
Why don't you pick me?

You don't know, I could have
a penis on me somewhere.

Don't worry.
You're in my top five.

Alright, it's a little more
difficult than I thought

but I'll find him.

[laughs]

Carey!

This is just too easy!

[laughs]

Every female impersonator
in the world

does Dionne Warwick!

And you found a bad one!

Come on, let's get
that manhood out of there.

Ah, come on, let's see
the old manhood!

Have you finished
shopping yet, Ms. Warwick?

(Dionne)
Yes, I have.

But apparently... he hasn't.

- Sorry. I'm a big fan.
- 'Yeah.'

Wow! It's Dionne Warwick
right here in our store.

Hey, welcome
to Winfred-Louder!

Thank you very much.
It's nice to be here.

I must say this, though.

You really have
Macy's beat...

...for service.

Alright. I give in.
You win.

Just tell me one thing.

That cute blonde over there,
that is a woman, isn't it?

Oh! No, sir.

Then if you excuse me...

...someone owes me
a ladies' Rolex.

Frankie!

[instrumental music]

I'm really glad
you didn't have to go.

You know what...

...I would have missed you.

Thanks, Drew.

I was talking
to the pool table.

I would have missed you too.

Talking to you, lady.

So, uh, tell me.
Do mom and dad know about you?

Mom, yes. Dad, no.

Oh! That explains
why he's still alive.

Here comes, Lewis.

Keep a straight face.

Why?

I fell asleep on the couch
watching football.

Oh, crap!
I'm late for my date.

And I'm meeting
her parents tonight.

Oh, yeah.

Keeping an eye
on you, Steve.

So, uh, first time
meeting the parents?

Yeah. Yes.

Here's a question.

Why didn't you wear a tie?

Oh, you think I need one?

Hey, hey, hey.
Don't be so vain.

I don't know
why I said it...

Hey, is that, uh, her
and her dad up in the lawn?

Well...

- Here I go.
- Lewis, Lewis.

I can't do this to you.

Come here.

- 'Got a..'
- Oh!

- Thanks.
- Yeah.