All language subtitles for The Drew Carey Show (1995) - S03E02 - Drew and the Singles Union (720p WEB-DL x264 8bit AAC 2.0 DJPitaB).eng

[indistinct chattering]

- Morning, Drew.
- Morning.

Morning, Drew.

Morning.

I need your signature, Carey.

Sign here. Sign here.
Sign here. Sign here.

Sign here. Sign here.

- Morning, Carey.
- Oh, good morning, sir.

Say, have you noticed anything
unusual around here today?

No, can't say that I have.

Oh. Well, what can I
do for you, sir?

Oh, nothing, I just came out
to tell you what a great job

you're doing and how much
we value you as an employee.

Uh-huh.

- And, uh, how about that raise?
- Consider it done.

In fact, I'm giving you
more than you asked for.

A raise and respect.

I knew it.

Stinkin' aliens.

[screeching]

We saw what happened, Drew.

Let us help you.

Not so fast.

Uh... who won
the 1969 World Series?

The Zargon Flipsters.

[gun cocking]

Wrong, it was the Mets.

The 69 Mets were from Zargon.

[screeching]

[zapping]

[dramatic music]

[indistinct shouting]

Everybody, we're up
against aliens.

Eighteen to forty-nine-
year olds, follow me!

Freeze!

[screaming continues]

C-c-can you tell me where
the ammonia fountain is?

[intense music]

Oh, I'm just
a regular customer not an alien

from the planet Xenon.

Die, you unholy bastard.

[screeching]

[zap]

[clattering]

Clean up in ladies shoes.

Single file. No talking.

Alright, who are you?
And what do you want?

We've come here to enslave you,
put you in cubicles

and make you work long hours
with no chance of advancement.

How long do we get for lunch?

Forty five minutes.

Nobody takes my lunch hour.

[zapping]

[gun cocking]

Man, I'm outta power.

Say, uh, how big are
those cubicles anyway?

[instrumental music]

Special delivery for Mr. Alien.

Yeah. Package of death.

Sorry, Drew.

Guess we gotta get probed now.

Time for dinner.

That's my new catchphrase

what do you think?

[Mimi groaning]

Shoot and your beautiful
leader gets it.

Step aside.

I can't. He's got me
by the throat.

I was talking to the alien.

Told you this wouldn't work.

Dominos doesn't deliver
where you're going, pig.

Oh, look, if it
isn't the mother ship.

Bite me, dough boy.

That's all I needed to hear.

[indistinct chattering]

Wow.

That was a close one.

[intense music]

Not only are we aliens

but Lewis has
impregnated you with his seed.

Who's your alien, baby?

[screaming]

Uh, uh, uh.

Phew!

What's your problem?

I dreamt I was a horrible
creature with pale skin

and a bad haircut.

Bite me, dough boy.

I always wanted to do that.

[theme music]

♪ Moon's over... ♪

♪ Hey ♪

♪ Up every mornin' ♪
♪ Hey ♪

♪ Just to keep a job ♪
♪ Hey ♪

♪ I gotta fight my way ♪
♪ Hey ♪

♪ Through the hustling mob ♪
♪ Hey ♪

♪ Sounds of the city ♪
♪ Hey ♪

♪ Poundin' in my brain ♪
♪ Hey ♪

♪ While another day ♪
♪ Hey ♪

♪ Goes down the drain ♪

♪ Yeah yeah yeah ♪
♪ But it's a 5 o'clock world ♪

♪ When the whistle blows ♪

♪ No one owns
a piece of my time ♪

♪ And there's a 5 o'clock
me inside my clothes ♪

♪ Thinkin' that the world
looks fine yeah ♪

♪ Hey ♪
♪ Holiday ♪

♪ Hey ♪
♪ Ee-e-e yeah ♪

♪ Hey hey ♪

[instrumental music]

Come on, Drew. We got
the truck waiting downstairs.

We gotta get out of
here before the storm hits.

It's supposed to be
the worst storm in a 100 years.

I can't. Mr. Wick's
keeping the store open.

Everybody's got to
stay until closing time.

Wow. He's pretty
rough on you guys.

Oh, it's not so bad. If the sun
explodes we get to wear shorts.

Okay, well, if you're gonna
stay, let's decide right now

how you're gonna communicate
with us from the beyond.

Alright, how's this

I'll reject you in the form
of a beautiful woman?

Oh, my God. The dead have been
trying to reach us for years.

Carey, I got to go.
Finish these reports.

My kid's school is closing
because of the storm

I gotta pick him up.

Oh, so if you have kids,
you get to go home.

Yeah, I got millions
of kids, technically.

I mean, who's to say
when life begins really.

That's gross, Carey.

Yeah, thanks a lot, Larry.

You know, single people
have lives too, you know.

Yeah, I guess you better
call your four girlfriends

and a thumb and tell 'em
you're gonna be late.

Oh, look, it's a clown show
under the big top.

What's the matter?

You're mad 'cause people are
worried about their kids?

You know,
maybe someday you'll wake up

and you won't be
such a selfish pig.

Mimi, I have to leave early.

I'm not stayin'!

But my water just broke.

Well, step back
these are new shoes.

Mimi, I really,
really need your help.

Please.

Crap!

Why was I born
with this big heart?

Go on.

[shouting]
Get out of here!

Hey, uh, since you're staying
maybe my four girlfriends

and a thumb can go out
to dinner with pleasure me Pete?

Attention, everyone

there's been a severe
thunderstorm warning.

This is to remind
employees with family

that they may go home
to their loved ones.

Those of you without loved ones,
like Carey here, will stay here

and join me during this
refreshing summer shower.

Oh, this sucks.

Just 'cause we don't
have kids we get stuck here

doing everybody else's work.

Yeah, I'm tired of
pickin' up the slack

just 'cause I
choose to be single.

"Choose" you say?

Yeah, I choose to be single,
the way you choose to be double.

[laughing]

Oh, man. We're losin' power.

Oh, great.

Okay, you know the drill.

Get everybody together
on the main sales floor.

I can't believe this is almost
my last hour alive probably

and I'm gonna
spend it staring at you.

[thunder rumbling]

(Drew)
'Thank you, God.'

[rumbling continues]

Okay, yup.
This is it, everybody.

Power's out in
the whole building.

Now, according to the manual.

You have to lock down
all the registers

check the store for customers

and after that...

Tilt down, would you?

Take a headcount
of all the employees

and when we finish with that

we'll all meet
back here at the face.

Yeah, and when the flood
starts we can all march

two by two
into Drew's ass.

Hey, it's not my fault
we're all stuck down here

cowering like animals.

Stupid store policy.
I didn't write this junk.

Yeah, well,
I think it's time we change it.

I say we burn the sucker down!

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

I got it!

'Everybody else gets benefits
around this place.'

Parental leave,
maternity leave, flex time.

And what do
the single people get?

A big steamin' bowl of jack.

That's right, Mimi.
That's not even fresh jack.

So, what are the single people
gonna do about it, huh?

Stop being so damn choosey
and settle down?

I say we form
a new kind of union.

A union that no one's
ever thought of before.

A union made up of nothing...
but single people.

Yeah! Whoo!

Yee-haw!

I hate to admit it, but I think
the pig's got a good idea.

- It's just what we need.
- Thank you, Mimi.

We should give Drew the credit

and we should
make me the president.

Yeah! Whoo... w-wait a second!

It's my idea.
I should be the president.

Oh, you'll screw it all up.

I know what I'm doing, I come

from a long line of truckers.

We don't care what you
did on your break, Mimi.

Alright. We'll just
humor the big baby.

We'll have
an election tomorrow night

and then you can
humiliate him publicly

and vote me most popular.

I mean, union president.

[thunder rumbling]

Well, well,
what do we have here?

An unauthorized union rally.

Hey, where's Kate O'Brien?

She must be back at her
workstation working.

I'm not! I'm right here.

You brought this
on yourself, Wick.

- Mr. Wick.
- Mr. Wick.

You abuse people
and they're gonna fight back.

We're formin' a union
and there's nothing

you can do about it.

[siren blaring]

What's that?

Tornado siren.

Uh, I move we continue
this meeting in the basement.

All in favor
run for your lives.

You go ahead
with this union, Carey

you'll never get a promotion!

I'll shut down
this store when pigs fly!

Damn, there goes a cow.

I suppose under
the circumstances

I could count that.

[glass shattering]

Wow, barely everybody
got out okay

but your store's a real mess.

Says here, it's gonna be
closed for three days.

Oh, yeah,
I drove by this morning

looking for my mom's laundry...

...and the laundry room
and my mom.

Hey, you're still
going through with that

singles' rally tonight,
aren't you, Drew?

'Cause Lewis and I thought
we should really be there...

...to support you.

You know, if we do come to this
meeting should we bring some...

...you know, protection.

[chuckling]

This isn't a mixer, Lewis.

Even if it was, protection
from what? Being by yourself?

Awful high and mighty for a guy

who had to create an entire
union just to meet women.

[Oswald laughing]

I did not.

I'm the president of
I'm Gonna Get Me Some Union.

My God. That's uncanny,
that's Drew!

That's who I was doin'.

I'm gonna get me some.
I'm gonna get me some.

I'm gonna get me some.

Kinda doubt it.

You know, that's what
gives singles' a bad name.

You know, it's not
just about get me some.

Being single's a great life

you're only
responsible for yourself.

You get to read a good book
every Saturday night.

I swear to God,
it couldn't get any better.

You look like you're gonna cry.

Shut up. It'll pass.

[knock on door]

Larry, what are
you doing here?

You work in a cubicle
and this is your house?

Nice life.

Look, me and the other
employees with kids

just had a real angry meeting
at Chuck E. Cheese.

They sent me
over to tell you that

if you're crappy union
ruins even one...

...of our benefits,
you're outta there.

[car honking]

Just a second, kids.

Hey, listen, Almada you don't
come

to my house and threaten me.

You do it at work
like everyone else.

You don't know how hard
it is, I mean, to work

and-and to still find
time for your family.

I treasure those
few moments I get to hold

those precious bundles
in my arms.

[shouting]
That's it! I warned you!

Now, we're going back
to Chuck E. Cheese

and I swear to God
I'm gonna kill that rat.

Well, this stinks.

I try to do something nice

now half the store hates me.

I might as well
just give it up anyway.

No one knows
what I'm trying to do.

Hey, we're all victims
of this singles crap.

(Lewis)
'It's like when I call in late
and they go'

"Oh, out partying
all night, huh?"

But someone with a kid calls in

it's, "Oh, is the baby sick?"

What do you got to
have a kid to get sympathy?

Isn't it just as poignant
to be up vomiting all night

because you've mixed
vodka and gin?

[glass shattering]

What the hell?

[tires screeching]

"Next time it's life size."

Alright, that's it.

This rock might as well have
been the Dolly Madison pie

they whipped on my head when
I was running for president

of the chess club
back in high school.

Remember what I did then?

Ate the pie?

After that.
I went after 'em.

I took on the whole
chess club by myself.

By the time I got done
there was retainers

and broken black glasses
everywhere.

I remember that fight.

That was a funny fight.

It wasn't funny for them.

They learned you push
Drew Carey once, he backs down.

You push him twice,
he gets angry.

You push him three times,
he rolls up in a ball.

You push him times
four through ten

you get a combination between
playing possum and name-calling.

If you got enough patience
to push him eleven times

boy, there's trouble
'cause he gets his mother

and let me tell you something,
you push Mrs. Carey once...

(Mimi)
'Hello.'

Is anyone still here?

Can I help anyone?

No?

Good.

Broken.

Broken.

Broken.

Ugly.

Broken.

Broken.

[man grunting]

[gasps]

'Mr. Wick?'

I lived, but they're all dead.

- Oh, but, sir, they're just--
- Poor souls.

The wind... blew their
privates right off.

Have you been here all night?

[mumbling]

Oh, okay.

Why don't I
just go get some help?

No, no. Don't leave me.

Oh, he he.

Take me home with you.

Wow. You must be
really messed up.

[instrumental music]

Man, this is so great.

All these women are single

and they can't lie to you.

They wouldn't be here
if they weren't single.

Yeah.

One of them tried to switch
her ring to her other finger

but we caught her.

What's that
cologne you're wearing?

Oh, Desperation.

I think you put too much on.

What's that scent you smell of?

[sniffs]
It's, uh...

[sniffs]

- It's kinda nice.
- You like it?

It's called Why Am I Talking
To Somebody I Already Know.

Hey, have you guys
been talking to people?

'Cause I've been
talking to people

and it looks like
I'm gonna lose this thing.

Oh, you got a gut feeling, huh?

No! They told me,
"You're gonna lose this thing."

Drew, we can't let Mimi win.

I'm pushing you as
the perfect singles candidate.

Just go with me.

Hi, Sally.
Thanks for being here.

Joe, your divorce
finally came through.

Welcome to our side.

Vote for Carey
he'll never marry.

- Great slogan, Kate.
- Thanks.

Drew Carey,
never had it, never will.

Just keep pumping out those
great slogans, don't ya?

- Yeah.
- Mary, glad to see you here.

Really need your support.

Drew Carey who'd date him?

You'd have to be drunk.

Let me see those
buttons for a second.

Dre...

Jimmy, long time no see.

Give it up, pig.

Hey, look,
it's the rainbow coalition.

Before we start,
I just want you to know

it's gonna be a fair fight.

May the best man or woman win.

[grunts]

Okay, I'm feeling pretty good.

Let's start the voting.

Okay, everybody,
can I have your attention?

Now, we've all been to the meet
the candidates beer busts

we've played the Singles' Union
Beer Softball game

you've been to
the Issues Beer Chili Cook-off

It's been
a beer-filled busy day.

Alright, now,
all in favor of Mimi

as the new president of the
Windfred-Louder Singles' Union

raise your hand.

- Got it.
- All in favor of me.

Drew Carey,
the guy who hired ya?

Got it!

- What is it?
- It's a tie!

Your my best friend
and it's a tie?

Wait a minute,
I forgot to vote.

Your my best friend,
it's a tie.

Wait a second, wait.

If I can get some
concessions from Mr. Wick

how many of you
would consider a revote?

Hello, Mr. Wick?

The single employees
demand flexible hours.

Less overtime and equal dibs
on the vacation time.

Uh-huh.

He says, yes!

Wait a second.

Don't fall for that.
It's one of her stupid tricks.

Oh, you don't believe me,
whose voice is that?

Oh, my God.
It's Mr. Wick's voice.

I don't know why he's singing,
"I'm a little teapot"

but it's Mr. Wick's voice.

Hey, that's all
we ever wanted.

Which means we don't
need a union anymore.

Which means we can
open the bar a minute early.

[crowd cheering]

[instrumental music]

You know, I still don't
understand why animals attack.

- No.
- Hmm.

Well, I'm gonna grab
a couple of beers and...

...console Drew.
You guys want any?

- No.
- No.

'Good.'

You meet anyone interesting?

Nah. You?

Nah. The whole thing
felt kinda hollow.

I heard this one guy say

"Hey, can I
check your union label?"

[chuckling]
No, I got a better one,
I heard a guy say

"Hey, what do you say
we boycott our clothes?"

[both laughing]

Then, what happened?

And then I said, "Hey what do
you say we boycott our clothes?"

[chuckling]

- Smooth.
- Thank you.

Well, you know...

...good part is
Kate was gonna vote for you

so you would have
been president... in theory.

Well, I'm lying here
next to a woman... in theory.

Hmm.

- Want a beer?
- Yeah.

[sighs]

Hey, you think we're
ever not going to be single?

- You and me?
- Hmm.

We'll find somebody.

I worry about Kate
and Oswald though.

Hmm.

- Know what I worry about?
- Uh?

I worry that sometimes
when I hit my head it

pushes my hair into my brain.

And eventually,
it's, uh, it's gonna kill me.

I'll tell you what,
when I find somebody

we'll invite you
over for the holidays.

[instrumental music]

♪ London Bridge is
falling down... ♪

Say, mommy just had a thought

let's pretend that
you're a big movie star

and I need your autograph.

Sure. Ha ha.

Why does it say "authorization?"

That's the name
of the movie, dunce.

♪ London Bridge is
falling... ♪

Sorry. Sorry.

Keep signing.

The faster you sign

the faster we'll
get to tubby time.

Tubby time again?

I'm going to be
the cleanest man in the world.