All language subtitles for The Drew Carey Show (1995) - S03E01 - Drew vs. Billboard (720p WEB-DL x264 8bit AAC 2.0 DJPitaB).eng

Anyways,
congratulations, Smith.

Not even a year and you're
off to a annual management

training seminar in Hawaii.

You must feel
good about that.

Then again you must
always feel good.

You're as fit as a fiddle.
Look at you.

[grunting and laughing]

Now, Carey, if it's not too
much of a strain on your heart

'waddle over to
the benefits department'

and processSmith's paid leave.

And no grazing
by the vending machine.

You know, sir,
kinda thought maybe

I could go to Hawaii this year.
You know, I was...

...hopin' to try out my new
speedos, my tanning lotion.

Oh, I get it.
You use the tanning lotion

to get into the speedos.

Well... you'll have
to do it somewhere else

other than Hawaii
because you're not going.

But, sir, last year,
you said maybe this year.

Well, you should
know by now, Carey

when I say maybe,
it means no.

But maybe next year, huh?

Thank you, sir.

- Hey. Huh.
- Hey, Kate, guess what?

In the broader sense of
the term, I just had sex.

Drew, you're not going
to Hawaii again, I'm sorry.

I don't care
about going to Hawaii.

I got "Baywatch" tapes.
I got takeout.

You know what really kills me?

Everybody knows
the guy who goes to Hawaii

is the next guy
to get the next big promotion.

So who are they sending?

Some pretty boy named Smith.

You know, he looks
fit and energetic.

So everybody just assumes that
he's the best man for the job.

- Hmm. Right.
- I'm a big guy.

So they just assume that
I'm slow and out of shape.

You know, Drew,
a lot of big things are fast.

Stampeding elephants,
jumbo jets...

- The bus in "Speed" big--
- Okay.

Are you done comparing me
to massive things?

Carey, I need a copy
- of this report.
- Chop chop.

Now, I need you
to run down to the...

What am I thinking?
O'Brien, run this down

to the copy room, will you?

I'll do that, sir.

Time me.

Carey, this a watch
not a calendar.

Oh, yeah?
Here I go.

Wow, is he fast!

And not that big.

Kate, much like tropical fish

I believe he'd grow to
the size of his environment.

The only reason
he's not bigger

is because his
cubicle isn't bigger.

[panting]

Here you go, sir.
Two copies.

Only took me
a few seconds and...

...I feel great.

Hey, what's right over there?

[heavy panting]

Not bad, Carey. Perhaps you're
in better shape than I thought.

[panting]

[breathing heavily]

Dammit, Carey!
What am I looking at?

Ah! Guess it's gone, sir.
Never mind.

Well, on the other hand
running up and down the hall

will hardly get you
on a Wheaties box. Hmm.

Oh, darn, it's empty!

I'll fill that, sir.

What do you want the, uh...

...red top or the blue top?

I should call a doctor now.

Now, let me see.
I think I want the--

Oh, sorry to interrupt
while Drew shows you

how much water he can retain.

But, you forgot to sign
these important papers.

Oh, right here,
you forgot to dot an "I."

Oh, yeah. Alright.

Oh, he-ha, and on this one...

here's a C that kinda
looks like an E.

Oh, and in here...

...this is a G
tha-that looks like a J.

No. That's clearly a G.

No.

No, it's a J.

No, it's a G.

[huffs]

No, no, no.

- No, it's a J.
- It's a G!

I can see it's a G from here
even with all the sparkly things

and stars shootin' out of it.

Oh, the reason
the bottle's empty

is because
the water cooler's broken.

Ha! Is my face red? Heh.

[thuds]

All I found was a store nurse
and she was hammered.

Are you okay?

No, I'm not okay.

I'm in the worst shape
of my life.

You know, they're right.
I can't even lose a few pounds.

I don't deserve a trip
to Hawaii or a promotion.

Come on, Drew.
So you're not Mr. Universe.

You're not in that bad of shape.

[telephone ringing]

[rattles]

Hello!

Hello. It's your feet calling.

Long time no see.

[laughing]

[theme song playing]

♪ Up every mornin'
just to keep a job ♪

♪ I gotta fight my way ♪

♪ Through the hustling mob ♪

♪ Sounds of the city
poundin' in my brain ♪

♪ While another day
goes down the drain ♪

♪ Yeah yeah yeah ♪

♪ But it's
a five o'clock world ♪

♪ When the whistle blows ♪

♪ No one owns
a piece of my time ♪

♪ And there's
a five o'clock me ♪

♪ Inside my clothes ♪

♪ Thinkin' that
the world looks fine ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Holiday ♪

♪ Hey ♪

♪ Hey ♪

♪ Hey ♪

[instrumental music]

(Oswald)
And almost done.

Okay.

[Oswald gasping]

You're right.
It is getting bigger.

Damn, that hair
thickening shampoo.

Oh, well, where'd you
get that stuff anyway?

Ah, at work.
Drugco's tested it on hamsters.

That's a hamster?

Oh, my God!

Hey, look at
the size of my hands.

- Hey.
- Hey, Drew.

- Hey, bud.
- Hey, have a beer.

It's full-size. It just looks
puny in my giant hands.

Hey, what's with the beer?

You guys are supposed to be
helping me lose weight.

Oh, yeah, well,
we talked about it

and we decided
it would be easier

just have the rest
of the world get fatter.

I'm serious this time. I got a
whole program worked out.

- Hmm.
- Step number one.

No more lettuce
on my cheese burgers.

You see, it's the roughage

that blocks the meat
from falling out.

So what's the cheese for?

The cheese opens the door.

Why don't you just join a gym?

[scoffs]
I'm not in good enough
shape to join a gym.

I don't want everybody
to see me like this.

Problem is,
where do guys like me go?

Uh, I think we're there.

Then this will be my gym.

Gotta have
a word with my trainer.

Hey, bartender!

I'll spot ya.

Hey, gimme a water.
Uh, make a light beer.

Oh, what the hell, it's
a light beer. Make it three.

Hey, friend. Take it from a guy
who had the same problem.

Switchin' to light beer ain't
gonna help you lose weight.

Oh, thanks, buddy.
Have one on me.

Tim, give this guy
a big frosty mug

of mind your own damn business.

Lemme show you somethin'.

That's how fat I was a year ago.

- Oh.
- Who's that behind you?

That's my neck.

Wow! How'd you do it?

Well, I use to be a pharmacist.

- Oh, speed, huh?
- No, no.

And believe me, I tried every
diet and gimmick in the world.

But nothing worked
until I figured out

how to make
my cravings work for me.

That's when I came up
with the beer diet.

[laughing]
Yeah, I got one too.

You drink, you pass out,
you don't eat for two days.

Good times, good times.

No, what I did was,
I added vitamins

then I came up with my own
blockers to stop the carbs

in the beer from turning
into sugar which turns into fat.

I call it... Vitabeer.

[gasping]

Oh, beer diets.

Wow!

How much is it
for these babies, huh?

Well, 50 bucks a bottle
at the stores but, uh...

...I don't know, I can
give it to you for forty-five.

Well, h-how long does it last?

It depends on
how much you drink.

- Oh... no.
- We can't afford that.

Okay, maybe we can work it
a different way.

I need to take some
before and after pictures

of Vitabeer success stories
to show to investors.

How about I give you
the pills at cost

and you let me take a picture
of you without a shirt on?

Hold on. You used to be
the swim coach

at the Lakewood Community
Center?

Don't worry, nobody's
gonna see these pictures

except for potential
investors and clients.

On year ago, huh?

I'll tell you what,
gimme the first bottle for free

you got yourself a deal.

Here. This is my card.

Call me on Monday.
We'll set up a photo shoot.

A photo shoot, huh? Hey, I don't
have to climb on a horse, do I?

- 'Cause I have allergies.
- No.

Hey, guys!
Look, I just got a new diet.

You-you lose weight
just by freakin' beer. Heh.

And this is my first workout.

Ah, feel the burn.

I feel smaller already.

That's just 'cause you're
sitting next to Lewis's head.

Hey.

My head's not that big.

Oh!

Of all the places to use
that shampoo, why my head?

[instrumental music]

[horn honking]

(female #1)
Hey, there, sweet cheeks

cut me off a piece of that!

Wow! The diet must be workin'.

It's all thanks to Vitabeer!

Tell your friends!

[horn honking]

(male #1)
Hey, pal, lookin' good!

Yeah, it's only been two weeks!

Wow! Bet I could've
stopped traffic

by wearing
one of my bicycle pants.

[horn honking]

Drew, what's all
the honking about?

Say hello to the honky.

[car honking]

Why would they
be honking at you?

[horn honking]

(male #2)
Hey, studly, likin' it!

[chuckles]
Isn't it obvious?

Why do women go
to a Brad Pitt movie?

I'm shaking
my money-maker out here

they're begging for change.

- Have you noticed?
- What?

Even guys are honking at me.

I mean, even though
I'm not gay...

...I still find it flattering
that they find me attractive.

You know what else?
I think I might have

found an ab this morning...

- Drew.
- What?

- Look behind you.
- Why?

Is somebody checking me out
from behind?

No.

Turn around and look up.

Look up for what?

(Drew)
Whoa, look at
the girl in that...

Oh, my God!

I knew it. I knew you shouldn't
have trusted that Vitabeer guy!

And of all the nerve,
put my head on my dad's body.

[Kate gasps]

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

Saw the billboard.

[honks]

[laughing]

It wasn't my idea.

That picture is only supposed to
be seen by potential investors.

[scoffs]
Well, who'd guess that a guy
that'd make something

called Vitabeer
would lie to you?

[honks]

[laughing]

You know, holding a horn like
that you kind of look like

"The Partridge Family" bus.

[clears throat]

Yeah, yeah,
hurt, destroyed. Anyway...

...you're already helpin'
people to lose weight

'cause just this mornin'
I saw a bunch of 'em throwin' up

right in front
of your billboard.

[honks]

Lewis, what are you wearin'?

Oh, I packed my head in ice.

Yeah, I figured that a growth
was just due to swelling.

Couple of more hours and I'll...

Sometimes he freezes up.

Be right as rain.

Aren't you embarrassed

walkin' around town with that
thing on your head?

[scoffs]
Don't worry about it.

That's why I wore the mask.

[laughing]

Well, thanks a lot for coming by
but there's nothing you can say

to make me feel any better.

Oh, yeah?
You remember that teacher

who said you'll never be famous
being fat and dumb?

It looks like
you got a call to make.

And you know, more people in
America look like you than...

...you know, the way
they really wanna look.

(Kate)
Yeah.

Hey, you know,
people are probably honking

'cause they're
proud to see someone

secure enough
to pose like that, huh?

They're not laughin',
honkin', pointin'

and makin' snide
remarks at you.

They are laughin',
honkin', pointin'

and makin' snide remarks...

- With you.
- With you.

You know, you're right.
And if one of you

gives me another compliment,
I'm not gonna punch you

in the face and go to
the emergency ward with you.

- Alright. Fine. Fine. Fine.
- Fine. Fine. Fine.

Fine. Fine.

Excuse me, I'm here
about the sale's position.

- Oh, yeah. Hi, Drew Carey.
- Nice to meet...

Hey, you're the guy on
the billboard, aren't you?

Heh. Yeah.
Just, uh, have a seat.

Get down to business here.

You know, I looked at your
resume and, boy, you know

you seem to have
a lot of sale's experience

and people have a lot of...

[indistinct]

- Hey, eyes up here, buddy.
- Come on, lift your shirt up.

I want to tell my wife
I touched it.

Now, that's it. Interview's
over. Get outta here.

Oh, come on, just
a little one on the side.

(Mimi)
Mr. Wick!

Mr. Wick!

What is it, Mimi?

Drew's too fat to do his job.

I was afraid
it might come to this.

Look, I know about
the billboard and I'm sorry

but I'm afraid you're
gonna have to get it down.

I can't take it down.
I called the owner of Vitabeer.

He says nothing I can do.
I signed a release.

And I have no, uh, recourse.

Well, I have a bigger problem.

Wh-when people picture
a Winfred-Louder employee

we'd like them to think of
someone who might be around

for next ten years.

Sir, that smacks of looksism.

Don't talk to me
about looksism.

How many times have I
not been taken seriously

because I'm too
damn good-looking?

It's a riddle, sir?

Get the billboard down, Carey

or I'll be forced
to give you a position

where you don't have to
interface with the public.

- You mean--
- That's right.

Night basement guy!

Ooh! Tough spot to be in, pig.

Yeah, I've been in tougher.
Let me tell you somethin.'

One way or the other that
billboard's

comin' down by tomorrow.

Yeah, well, that's why
I have this made

for board of
directors' luncheon.

You like it?

I call it "The Ice Capig."

[instrumental music]

(Lewis)
'Oh, my God!'

This thing is huge!

No one's ever seen
underneath Drew's stomach.

It's like the other
side of the moon.

I read that one day people
will live on Drew's stomach.

Alright, everybody,
just shut up!

Well, we got to hurry up
and tear this thing down

before anybody sees us.

Hey, Lewis, why don't you cover
us with your enormous head?

Alright, okay, alright.
You had your fun, okay?

Turns out it was just
a figment of my imagination.

So no more
side effects or after effects?

No, no, they, uh,
tested the shampoo

on a couple of horses
and they're fine.

What are you
people doing up here?

[imitating bird calling]

What are you doin' up here?

Somebody left
a message on my machine

telling me you were gonna
tear down the billboard tonight.

Oh, somebody, huh? They had
the guts to leave their name?

Mimi Bobeck.
She works with you.

She said to say hi.

You guys are in
a lot of trouble.

As soon as I fix this thing

I'm calling the cops.

What the hell?
Is that a flap

or a gill, or...

Alright, buddy, now I'm gonna
show you what it's like

to be humiliated in front of
everybody in Cleveland.

- Heh.
- Oswald, Lewis, grab his arm.

[thudding]

Come on. Hey, knock it off!

Hey, you've got
big problems, buddy!

Oh, and I just
spotted another one.

That mole doesn't look good.

Hey, don't listen to him, Drew.

There's plenty of stuff
on you that doesn't look good.

No, no, no, I'm serious.
I took two years of pre-med

at dermatology.
That mole looks suspicious.

Now, why don't you let me down,
and I'll take a look at it?

Yeah, right, buddy.

This is for every chubby kid
who's ever been humiliated

at school by bullies like you.

Geez, it's just a stupid
beer diet, pal, so you shrink.

[horn honking]
You guys, we gotta get going.

There are some cars coming.

Oh!

Maybe I should have
that mole looked at.

Heh. Hey, Drew, it's just
like your real stomach.

I hope you ate some cheese,
so you can open the door

and let the farmer out.

[laughing]

[instrumental music]

Mimi, where would I find Carey?

Um, wherever
women are crying, sir.

I need some
of the pension files.

I don't know
where Carey put them.

Oh, they're right here.

Are you sure we should
invade his privacy like this?

- Oh, well, if you don't think--
- Just a formality.

Covering my arse.
Carry on.

(Drew)
'Mimi, if you can hear this'

'it's already too late.'

I told you
we shouldn't have done this!

[scoffs]
Amateur. Hmph.

Okay, let's see.

Ordinarily, it's the red wire
first to defuse.

Ha! That's the story
of Carey's life.

Either goes off to early
or doesn't go off at all.

[screeching]

[screeching]

[thudding]

What's the matter, Mimi?

Computer crash?

Nice one, Drew.
One of your best.

Why so late, pig?

I went to the doctor to
check on an abnormal growth.

- Are you okay?
- Better than okay.

Turns out the mole was nothing,
and I had a complete physical.

I finally have actual proof
that I'm in great shape.

In fact, I'm so happy,
I'm gonna set you up again.

Hey, Mimi,
I just went to the doctor

to check out an abnormal growth.

Oh, why don't you just do

what your mom did
and call it Drew?

You know, I never thought I'd
be happy to see your face again

but after that little scare

it's amazing
how nothing's changed.

Beat it, clowny.

Hey, Drew, everything
go okay with the doctor?

Yeah, just a normal mole. Ahem.

Oh, man, you're lucky. I knew
a guy at Drugco who had a growth

they removed it and found out

his entire body
was ravaged by spiders.

Hmm.

I heard it was a giant
cactus filled with spiders.

I heard it was
a woman's beehive hairdo.

I heard it was Richard Gere.

The point is, I'm in great
shape, I deserve a promotion

and I'm gonna
get it right now.

- Mr. Wick?
- Yes, Carey.

Nest time a trip to Hawaii
comes up, I want to have it.

- How does afternoon sound?
- Like you're yanking my chain.

No, no, I mean it.
Here's your ticket.

Smith is coming back early.

In fact, uh, he'll be waiting
for you at the airport.

Oh, couldn't handle
the pressure, huh?

Apparently not.

He's dead.

Oh, my God! How'd he die?

Heart attack. He might have
lived, but apparently

they had difficulty
getting the shot of adrenaline

through his
highly developed pecs.

Doctor has told me I have
the perfect chest

for a rib spreader.

So, Mr. Wick, I hope this
tragedy has proved to you

that people who
appear physically fit

aren't necessarily
the best ones for the job.

But I like strong,
healthy-looking people.

Ugly people make me sad.

Oh, don't you worry
about it, Mr. Wick

'cause I'm gonna
prove you wrong.

I'm goin' to Hawaii,
I'm goin' to that seminar

I'm gonna prove to you
that I'm the best man

that has been executive material
this store has ever seen.

No, no, the seminar's over.

You just have to go there,
put the ticket on the casket

collect the body
and come back here.

Well, just exactly
how long am I gonna be there?

Two hours. That's enough time to
check out the beautiful beaches

and get back to the airport,
traffic permitting.

Oh, that's okay.
I can't go in the sun anyway.

- 'Cause of my mole.
- Uh, never mind.

There's plenty
of other things to enjoy.

In fact, you and Smith
will be changing planes

at Tampa and Minneapolis.

Aloha.

Hey, I get to take
a dead guy to three airports.

I gotta buy some film.

This is me and Smith in Hawaii.

He's the one in the box.

This is me and Smith in Tampa.

He's the one in the box.

This is me and Smith
in Minneapolis.

I'm the one in the box.

- We were horsin' around.
- He-he.

Can we stop
looking at these now?

Your vacation pictures
are creeping me out.

Hey, whatever happened
to that Vitabeer guy?

Heard he went out of business.

Oh, so I guess they took
their billboard down, huh?

Yeah, I heard they put up
another one yesterday.

- Thank God.
- 'Hmm.'

Hey, Drew, what's this...

...letter here from
New Lifestyle's Cruises?

It looks like a check.

Oh, it must be a mistake.

[instrumental music]