All language subtitles for Southern.Charm.S11E03.1080p.WEB.h264-EDITH_track3_[eng]

- Hey, Craig.
- Hey, girl.

- Should we go to the bunkhouse?
- Hell yeah.

NARRATOR: As things
continued to heat up

between Salley and Craig,

Venita was getting
a cold dose of reality.

Oh.

RODRIGO: Oh, my God.

NARRATOR: And when
we all got together

for Salley's beach party...

Molly, do you want to do
a keg stand?

- ALL: Eight, nine, ten.
- There we go, baby!

NARRATOR: ...Shep debuted
his single buddy, Whitner.

But it was Salley's friend,
Charley...

who was the belle
of the ball...

INDISTINCT ID: The question is,
who is Charley targeting?

I'm excited.

NARRATOR: ...much
to Salley's chagrin.

Oh, boy,
I think I see something.

NARRATOR: Although,
let's be honest,

her heart really belongs
to another.

Salley's got the hots
for Austen.

NARRATOR: ...which motivated
a long-overdue conversation

between Austen and Audrey.

I mean, I'd like you
to visit Charlotte more.

I just feel like
I'm at an age where I, like,

want my space,
and I like my space.

Yeah, and I don't want
to question, like,

why are we
with each other?

* We've got trouble
down the coast tonight *

* Ba-ba-doo! *

[upbeat jazz music playing]

SALLEY: This is so gross.

This house is disgusting.

What the frick?

- [all cheering]
- WHITNER: Oh, God.

[all cheering]

SALLEY: Ew, what is that?

- [Venita screams]
- ALL: Hey, hey!

ALL: Three, four!

SALLEY: Ew.

[alarm ringing]

[Austen murmuring]

[upbeat music playing]

[relaxing tone playing]

[line ringing]

- Hello.
- Hey, honey.

No, it was a very, like,
good weekend.

I had a lot of fun.

I mean,
I obviously talked to you

about the singles party
beforehand.

Thanks.

My mom
is my best friend.

I mean,
I am so close to my family

because we're all in close
proximity to each other.

I mean, I'm born and raised
in Greenwood, South Carolina,

in the middle of nowhere.

Like, this is how you know
my town is too small.

My dad would, like,
sit me down and be like,

"Charley, one of my friends
told me

"that he saw you driving
down the road

"on your cell phone,
are you texting and driving?"

That's whenever you know
that your town is too small.

So, yeah, Salley,

she had this really cute setup,
and I played football.

Yeah, and I can prove it,

because look
at all of these bruises.

That one, this one, this one.

Mom, it was--
Okay, it was a--

What?

I was so pleasant,
it's crazy.

"Was I interesting?"

Do you think I'm uninteresting?

I was
incredibly interesting, Mom.

I had
a very Southern upbringing.

Like, my mom put me and
my little sister in a pageant

just to see if we would like it,
and we freaking loved it.

Like, I loved being on stage.

I'm not kidding, I was Miss,
like, Tractor something.

Like, I have to find a picture,
I had a crown.

And there was, like,
it was a tiara,

and there was a tractor
in it.

And then as, like, I got older,
I did a cotillion.

I was a debutante,
of course, of course.

And I was actually

Little Miss South Carolina
overall queen.

And then I did
Miss South Carolina USA.

And I lost.

I was her judge
in Miss South Carolina.

- What'd you rank her?
- I picked her to win.

I don't believe them.

So listen to this.

At the party,
Salley pulled me aside,

and she said
that she felt weird

because Craig and I were, like,
attached at the hip.

I didn't feel like
I was talking to him

any more than
I was talking to anyone else.

If you're into him,
you can go for it.

I know.

I just want you
to talk to me about it.

If I was into Craig, I would
immediately tell you that I was.

Yeah.

Me flirting with Craig
at Salley's party

is not me going for it.

Ugh, whatever.

For sure.

Like, "Be pleasant."

Okay.

Bye.

Insane.

[upbeat music playing]

- Salley.
- What?

- Oh, is that Venita?
- Yeah.

You just let yourself in
these days.

Yeah, hi. Baby.

He's gonna pee on you.

He's gonna pee on you.

How are you?

Um, I'm okay.

Um, I do have
my bathing suit on underneath

because I think sitting
outside could be nice.

Yeah.

- Come on, boys.
- Come on, guys.

Fill me in,
what's been going on?

I had lunch with Molly.

She's not a big fan of yours,
I don't think.

I got very drunk
at the baby shower.

So it kind of pissed me off
that Salley was like,

"Oh, Molly is, like,
too Madison."

I wanted to apologize for
how I acted at your baby shower.

And, you know, Salley, like,
brought it to my attention.

- Okay, noted.
- Yeah.

I can't trust you.

But, yeah, until she really
pissed me off the other day,

I was like, you know,
I'm not gonna repeat

all of the things I say

because I'm not
a sh--ty friend.

But Salley
can't call dibs

on every single man

- in Charleston.
- Yeah.

[dramatic piano playing]

You can't call dibs on everyone,
Craig's not yours.

She also said that
she was confused

as to why you did not see it
a problem to say to Audrey

that you found
Austen attractive.

Never said that,
I have said...

I mean,
would I hook up with him?

The day after they break up,
let's go.

[Rodrigo laughs]

I'm honestly

a little bit frustrated
with Molly

for talking sh--
about me to you

because she's blowing my ----ing
phone up every ----ing day.

And I'm, like,
thinking we're besties.

Anyways, there's a lot of people
I think are hot.

I think that's okay.

Hmm, well,

okay,
so let's clear the air.

You are or you aren't
attracted to Craig?

I mean,
I don't know.

Do I think he's hot? Yeah.

Do I like being in his hot tub
until 4:30 in the morning?

Yeah.

I don't do the best job
of letting people know...

the things that they're doing
are making me unhappy.

Like, it's not that deep,
if that makes any sense.

I wish that
there was a world

where Salley
could just open

those big-ass blue eyes
that she got

and be like, "Oh, right, like,
I shouldn't be doing this

"because my best friend
is mad at the person

"I'm trying to go
hang out with right now."

I think that

if this friendship is
something that you truly value,

you got to give me
a little bit more respect.

- [whimsical tone playing]
- Yeah.

Because I feel like sometimes
you do choose Craig over me.

That would never happen,
you have my word.

I don't know,
we'll see.

[funky melody playing]

- WAITRESS: Hey.
- Hi.

Can I get a table
for two?

Yeah, you can follow me
this way.

Can I get you started off
with anything to drink today?

Let's do
a Heineken non-alcoholic.

- All right. You're welcome.
- Thank you.

- Hey, hey.
- Hey.

- Oh, you look nice.
- Thank you.

Listen, I can't wear pants.

I know I said
I was being casual, but--

- [Madison laughs]
- Okay.

- Okay.
- WAITRESS: How you doing today?

Can I get you started off
with anything to drink?

Sure, that looks like
a perfect margarita.

We're both gonna do
Captain's Boil.

Thank you so much,
I'll get this started.

So, when's the last time
you had crabs?

If you don't feel comfortable
answering that,

- you don't have to.
- Ha-ha-ha.

Well, first off,

- okay, so the party--
- Let's talk about Saturday.

I had fun, I got to talk
to Audrey for a little while.

Yeah, I know you did.

[sly tone playing]

So, is Craig and Salley a thing,
or is it--

AUSTEN: Okay, come on,
come on.

Honestly, Salley's got the hots
for Austen.

I mean,
it's the truth.

What was I going to do,
lie to her?

All righty.

- AUSTEN: Holy moly.
- WAITRESS: All right.

Thank you.

Oh, I'm doing a bib
for sure.

Why you got it so tight?
Your face is turning red.

Okay, so,
back to Audrey.

Okay, I asked Audrey,
I was like,

"So, how's the long distance
thing going?"

It's been like 90-10

of him coming to Charlotte
versus me coming here.

Like, what is going on?

I just feel that
when she's here, I'm like,

this is
----ing good and easy.

I'm not gonna lie,
it's been easy.

Well, that's good.

But I also have
the other end of it.

- I feel like when she's gone...
- Yes.

I'm like,

"Is this, like, forever?"

Am I supposed to have
those thoughts about the person

that I could potentially
spend the rest of my life with?

Am I even supposed
to second guess

about someone
that I should be like,

"I cannot even think
about breathing

"without you in my life."

Like, you have to be able
to say,

"I can't breathe without you,
I would literally die."

I'm 37,
going on 38,

and I'm like, "Am I a guy
who's gonna get married?"

Like, how can someone be
so sure

of such a ----ing...

forever long commitment?

But listen,
your time is valuable

and hers as well, so
I wouldn't keep dragging it out

if you know
that it's not endgame.

You might find
somebody out there

that actually
takes your breath.

NARRATOR: Coming up...

Happy people
don't tear people down.

You're not happy.

And here you are,
walking away.

[playful melody playing]

Well, we got
some Pappy Van Winkles.

Okay.

- Randy, are you in there?
- Yes, ma'am.

So, I have
to FaceTime Whitney,

but as you know,
I don't know how to do it.

Could you
pull those things out?

- Oh, my God.
- There you go.

Okay.

Whoops, TikTok. [chuckles]

Wait a minute.

Okay, so what do I do?

So, we're going to go
to your FaceTime,

or even your Facebook,
see if you can log in.

BOTH: Okay.

- Do you know your password?
- No.

Let's get your phone,
because your phone

may be already
logged into it.

Would you get it for me,
please?

I think
I left it upstairs.

Okay, no worries,
I'll get it.

Oh, look, I found it
on the tray of snacks.

Oh, how nice, thank you.

If you hit this, will it
automatically call them?

I don't know,
you're asking me?

[indistinct]

All right, there you go,
the green one.

Oh, okay.

You want me to get you a drink
before you do the call?

- The usual, please?
- You got it, coming right up.

Okay, here goes.

[line ringing]

- Hey, honey. Where are you?
- Hello.

So, you're still in London.

Very funny. [laughs]

Thank you.

Before you let him go,
you wanna show him

the Chauncey thing
that came in?

So, I finally got
the plaque for Chauncey.

I know, well, thank you--
Oh, it's heavy.

Yeah, we'll do that
when you get back.

Chauncey had

a neurological illness,

and he developed

breathing problems.

I don't want to talk
about it.

Yeah, I miss Chauncey.
I just adored him.

Oh! Oh, my goodness.

MAN: That's Chauncey,
the grand dog.

PATRICIA: I'll take
a grand dog any day.

A little French bonnet
for Chauncey,

because you know
how he likes to dress up.

Chauncey. You know what?
He's looking for a bone.

Would you get him a bone?

You're enabling his overeating.

He needs to go on Ozempic.

I know he, you know,
he died months ago,

but I was thinking, as you said,
"Give him a proper burial."

- Yeah.
- I have an idea for that.

You'll love it.
It involves a bagpipe player.

That's what I was thinking.

[both laughing]

If you ever ask me
about my dead husband,

you'll never
get the same response.

On that note, I'll let you go.

Love you, honey.

Now I'll see if I know
how to get out of it.

[upbeat music]

- [phone ringing]
- Hey, Austen.

- AUSTEN: Yo.
- What's up?

AUSTEN: Well...

CRAIG: Okay.

Austen, that's
the kiss of death.

AUSTEN:

My last three ex-girlfriends
have gotten a cat

right before
breaking up with me.

[Austen laughing]

Yeah.

- Naomi got a new cat.
- [buzzer]

- AUSTEN: Right.
- And then during COVID,

my ex had just gotten
a cat, Stormy.

And then Paige got a cat.

And I was like, "Oh, cool.
We're one happy family."

And they're like, actually,
"This is a family of two."

AUSTEN:

Oh, yeah, and I mean,
I definitely have some tips

to share for you.

Come on. Ready?

Hold on.
It's gonna be bumpy.

[cat meows]

What are you doing?

- Taking a bath?
- [meows]

Okay, I'll stop
bothering you.

What do you think
of this one?

- [meows]
- What do you want?

I'm getting dinner ready.

AUSTEN:

Okay, sounds good.
Later, dude.

[groans]

Hi. I'm here
to see Charley, actually.

WOMAN: Yeah,
let me give her a call.

Okay, cool, thank you.

I love being a boyfriend,

and I love
sharing life with someone.

But, I mean,
six months later,

I am ready for
a stranger in my bed.

- CHARLEY: Hello.
- What's up?

- How's it going?
- CRAIG: How are you?

- Oh, you look so nice.
- Thank you.

I feel like when I have
a connection with someone,

I don't really waste time.

But I have
an inherent fear of rejection

that probably developed

when I got friendzoned
in high school.

So, like,
any cockiness I have is fake.

How do you suggest
picking out a piece?

Like, should you
absolutely love it,

or should you
just pick something

that you come
to love one day?

No, you should
absolutely love it.

When I first started
working at the art gallery,

I used to, like,
talk about it endlessly

whenever I'd be
drunk out at a bar.

I'm primarily at the art gallery
that I work at.

And then sometimes, like,

the next day,
people would show up,

and I'm like,
"Oh, my God.

I guess I... I guess
I told you to come in here."

So if I see something I love,
we'll get it no matter what?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Like, that, I don't love it.

It's also already sold,
so you can't have it.

Honestly, the me, Salley,
Craig situation

gives me the ick
on all of it.

- Can you outbid people?
- No, it's sold.

But I really like Craig.

So him coming
to the gallery, like,

even if he does have
all of these other motives,

like, that's not
my job to decipher, you know?

Like, he says that
he's interested in art.

Okay, I'm gonna show him art,
and I'm gonna hope that

he buys something,
because I get commission.

Do you want watercolors?
Or, like, oils and...

Realistically,
I want to buy

a really big picture of a tiger
or a penguin or a polar bear.

- Like, a watercolor.
- Of a tiger?

Okay, I'm so confused.

Do you want a tiger
or a polar bear?

- Do you have those?
- No.

Oh, well... [chuckles]

I definitely play a long game.

The only way that I've ever had
a long-term girlfriend is,

foundationally,
we have been friends first.

- I really have to touch this.
- CHARLEY: Just be careful.

How dare you?
I'm just kidding.

And then, after a while,
just started to smile

at each other so much that,
all of a sudden,

you're like, "Oh, I kind of
want to kiss this person."

And, like, you like them.

Like, I'm not saying
I like Craig,

but I do like
flirting with Craig.

I do.

Do I have to wait
till she dies

- for it to get valuable?
- No!

I kind of feel like
that's a thing in the art world.

I'm sure after she does die...

I mean,
I don't want her to die.

Do you know her age
and health condition?

[Charley laughs]

NARRATOR: Coming up...

CRAIG:

[upbeat music]

SHEP: Are you, uh...

Like, are you going
to Whit's thing?

- Sure.
- What are you gonna dress like?

Gonna put some thought
into this.

Having a birthday party
on Saturday.

And the theme
is literary figures,

so that can be
an author or a character.

My gears are grinding.

It's gonna be funny.
I hope Charley's there.

I think
she's very attractive.

- Very pretty.
- I mean, I would totally

be open
to going out with her.

Well...

Austen told me that Craig
went to go see Charley at her--

the art gallery
that she works at.

Okay. I mean,
I was in the hot tub

with Craig and Salley
a week and a half ago.

But whatever.

If Craig likes her,
gang's away, you know?

First of all, I'm not gonna,
like, jockey for position

or anything like that.

I'm too old for that sh--.

Maybe I'm too old
for her, frankly.

She's 27. [chuckling]

I got a lot of sh-- last year
when people were like,

"Well, of course
Sienna did this or that.

She's 26."

But then again,

I'm maturing at a glacial pace.

Craig's an interesting cat.

I stopped trying
to figure him out.

I told Austen
to do the same.

Yeah, I think, you know,
Austen has FOMO.

Oh, man, poor Austen.

He can't make a decision
for Christ sometimes, can he?

No, man,
that's kind of his problem.

I mean, you know,
what did he say?

It's a winner.
We were at Folly.

We've just gone surfing.

Look, man, I don't know
if she's the one.

Look, the grass
is always greener.

I get that.

It's just the way, it's just
human nature, you know?

[phone ringing]

Oh, here's Dad.

Hey, I was thinking
I could pull right up

to the storage unit
and start to look at

furniture for the new house.

RIP:

All right, bye.

I recently bought
this new house

because I just wanted
a house on Sullivan's Island,

which is one of
my favorite places in the world.

It's bigger.
It's, like, historical.

Four bedrooms, four baths,

and I don't know
what to put in it.

My dad, I think,
is kind of excited

to get a little bit
of stuff clear out there, yeah.

Look at Dad. Look at him.

My parents were a big factor
in me getting this house.

My brother bought a big house
with his two kids and wife,

and my sister, same thing.

So, for them,
in the normal trajectory

of a guy's life,
I'm ten years behind.

Maybe 15.

Well, Rodrigo,
get excited.

Biggest swap meet
in South Carolina.

Oh, my God.

These are
all pictures of ships.

We've got, like, ten of those.

Yes, all those.

Take this guy.

Chad's parents are
probably thinking that, like,

at this point in his life,
that he's gonna have a wife

and kids and this big house.

Instead, he brings
his gay interior designer

to come rifling through
his parents' belongings

that they don't want anymore.

This table is available.

- Do you like it?
- I do like that.

Oh, for sure.

RIP: This is a nice
chest of drawers.

- Yes to this guy.
- Okay, good.

RODRIGO: Mark that.

- RIP: These are Ralph Lauren.
- Yes.

Where do these go?

RODRIGO:
We'll figure that out.

- SHEP: Okay.
- RIP: Antique wash basin.

- RODRIGO: This is amazing.
- SHEP: Rod.

Think beach. Ocean.

- Dude, I love this.
- SHEP: Okay.

Most of this is treasure.

Definitely find
a place for that.

Just put a little tape on this.

We'll take that.
We'll take that. Perfect.

- Yeah.
- SHEP: Really?

Listen to your designer.

I don't know
what Rod's design sense is...

quite yet.

This is a beautiful painting.

RODRIGO: This is incredible.

Look how hopeful
you look in your eyes.

Yeah, well, that was
before life beat me down.

Well, I love it.
Yes to this.

SHEP: What? Oh, my God.

MADISON: I'm feeling
emotional today.

BRETT: All right.

I drove through
this neighborhood when

I first moved to Charleston,
and I was like,

"I'm gonna marry
some old rich man,

and I'm gonna live out here,"
because I was like,

that's the only way
I'm gonna be able to do that.

Sure enough...

You didn't marry
an old rich man.

No, I got a hunky man
and my own money.

Or had.

We just sold our starter home
on Daniel Island.

Home sweet home.

And we're moving
into our forever home,

which is just
right around the corner.

- Hey, guys.
- BRETT: Hello.

- Congratulations.
- MADISON: Thank you, Tim.

I have a little something
for you.

- Oh.
- Maybe you can't drink this

- right away, but...
- Oh, really?

- Maybe you can.
- MADISON: I love it.

Amazing.
Well, after you guys.

- Enjoy.
- MADISON: Oh, my God, Brett.

- BRETT: Can you believe it?
- I mean,

I'm very happy.

The house itself is,
like, southern.

It's charming.

It's exactly, like,
what everybody wants.

I know it is a high price,
trust me,

but honestly,
the house is just...

it's perfect.

And, I mean,
if I have a bill I've gotta pay,

I will turn into
a kitchen beautician,

and I will make sure
that it is all taken care of.

Yay!

My dreams are coming true.

I mean, hello.

Look at this.
Check, check, check.

- I'm excited.
- Me, too.

Um, should we go
look at the nursery first?

- Yeah.
- Aww.

I'm gonna start crying.

We're gonna have
a baby in here.

I know.

Crazy.

When you laugh like that,
I know you're nervous.

Yeah.

MADISON: This is where
I plan to raise

all of
my future children, too.

Hey, I got the house to fill

all these rooms with babies.

This is where
we'll make all six other kids.

No, I'm kidding.

I thought you were gonna
say the sex tapes.

Well, we're gonna
have to leak those

to pay for this sh--.

The fact that I'm even, like,
approved for something like this

after being, like, called
white trash for how many years?

Shep, [bleep] him.

He said that I was
a white trash hairstylist.

- Oh, my God.
- Whatever.

You're a terrible person,
and you're a trash can.

WOMAN: Oh, my God.

Let's go out to the pool.

And now it's like
life is so good

that it doesn't feel real.

This is crazy.

I can only imagine
what your dad would be saying

if he saw all this,
walked in here.

I mean, when you walk
in the other house,

- you kind of believe it.
- Yeah.

When you walk in here,
you just...

I know.

Well, don't make me cry.

- Okay.
- All right.

NARRATOR: Coming up...

Charley and I
definitely have chemistry.

Hell, me and Salley even do.

And I'm having fun,
like, being able to kiss

someone if I want to guilt-free.

[jazz music]

- Hey.
- CLERK: How's it going?

- Good, how are y'all?
- CLERK: Good.

My friend's getting
a kitten for the first time.

Well, that's him
right there, so...

- How are you?
- Good, dude.

I'm, like, really, I mean, giddy
having walked in here just now.

It's like a whole new world.

Rodrigo's cat had a litter,

and I don't like coming home
to just, like, an empty house.

So I really want to have
a couple cats

who are excited
to see me when I walk in.

CLERK: Cool, so you're getting
one cat, two cats?

- Two girls.
- Two girls, yeah.

That's actually
the background of my phone.

CLERK: Do you have
names picked out?

AUSTEN: Piper and Martine.

I suggest getting
this litter box

with the walls
just for privacy right now.

AUSTEN: Oh, okay.

- Do we have kitten treats?
- Yeah, we got kitten treats.

- Age appropriate?
- Yeah.

Right.

You know what?
We need one with a bell.

- Get that for them.
- AUSTEN: All right, man.

I'm making
the commitment to get cats,

which is a daunting thing.

He doesn't even have
a carrier, so...

Oh, yeah,
I've got cloth carriers

or a hard-shell carrier, too.

AUSTEN:
Oh, my gosh. Okay.

You know, me and commitment,

have not been
the most simpatico partners.

There's a coffee shop next door.
Why don't you close out here?

- Yeah.
- Head over there.

CASHIER: $426.21.

- Have a good rest of your day.
- Okay, thank y'all.

Here you go.
Let's just throw it in the back.

We're just gonna eat outside
if that's okay.

- SERVER: Yeah.
- CRAIG AND AUSTEN: Thank you.

You know,
all that shopping for my cat

- just makes me hungry, Craig.
- I know.

Cheers to the new kitties.

Thanks, man.

Yeah, dude, I think
that you should come over

and see me being,
like, a cat dad in action.

Maybe I'll come before
we go to Whit's birthday party.

What are you gonna dress as?

I haven't thought about it yet.

Let's ask ChatGPT.

With everything
that you know about me

so far
in our relationship,

I have to dress
as a literary figure.

Give me a couple options of
what I should dress as.

[phone beeps]

- "Jay Gatsby."
- Damn, that's a compliment.

- That is a compliment.
- ChatGPT gasses me up.

- "Dorian Gray."
- Fifty Shades of Gray.

- Is that who that is?
- [Austen laughs]

Dorian Gray is the guy
who has a portrait,

and he stays young forever

as long as his portrait
remains intact.

Oh. I don't like that side--

"Is that Fifty Shades of Gray?"
I love it.

I'm not a huge
theme party guy.

You're scarred from having
to dress up in the Hamptons.

CRAIG: Well, now it's
after my breakup,

and I will say
that I tried,

like, the lover version
of myself,

and now I'm back to
the party version of myself.

Yeah, I have not seen,

like, a single Craig
in what feels like forever.

Whether it's, like, Salley
or Charley, I'm having fun,

like, being able to kiss someone
if I want it, guilt-free.

Who would it have been?

You know, like, Charley and I
definitely have a chemistry.

Hell,
me and Salley even do.

Like, we were,
like, hanging out,

at my house in
the hot tub Saturday night.

Yeah, I think that I kind of
have a little bit of FOMO.

Like, I do a little bit miss,
you know, being single, right?

I would do anything
not to be single right now.

Like, I did not
want to be single,

but someone made
that decision for me.

So Austen and this half-in,
half-out, it's bullsh--.

Look, I just--
I'm having fun being flirt.

But, like, I was really good
in a relationship.

I loved it.

Everything in life
is give and take

and sacrifices and stuff,

and when it's the right person,
and if you're her person,

then it doesn't matter.

And it works out if you're
willing to put the work in.

[tense music playing]

NARRATOR: Coming up...

- Yours is cute.
- Hi. How are you?

- Hi.
- Hi.

- I felt the tension.
- SALLEY: Yeah.

[lively music playing]

That'll do for the party.

[knocking on door]

- [Bacchus barks]
- Okay.

Coming, coming, coming.

Hurry up, it's hot.

- Hi.
- Hey. You look cute.

- Thank you.
- I'm really excited.

Bring my best Sporty Spice,
I can help you set up.

Thank you, the assistance
is very well appreciated.

I guess you gotta throw
your own birthday parties

when you're in your 30s,
apparently.

So, I have stuff
for the cocktails.

VENITA: Oh, honey,
look at this stuff.

Yeah, I know,
but I need your designer eye.

- Thank you.
- Take a look at the place.

Yard's all done up.
Got the--

Oh, wait,
this looks really nice.

- I love the benches.
- WHITNER: Yeah.

They also delivered
16 chairs,

which I stashed
in my shed, but--

- No, I like the benches better.
- Yeah.

What made you come up
with this idea, like the theme?

- My mom.
- Oh, fun.

WHITNER: My family have always
been big on theme parties.

Anything from,
you know, like Cole Porter

to the '50s
to eras of history.

It makes
for some great family photos.

VENITA: I've actually been
friendly with Whit's mother

for almost 10 years because
I used to work at a store,

and she was one of our
frequent shoppers that came in.

And I never put
two and two together

because she never really,
like, spoke about the kids.

My mom is very
anti-establishment, straight up.

She would be an anarchist
if she could.

People are coming out
what time, seven?

- Seven's what I told everyone.
- Okay, it's 3:12.

I need an hour to get ready
and two hours to set up,

- so let's go.
- You're in charge.

I just want to see
what it looks like.

Looks pretty.

Once this is steamed,
I can start staging to see

- what I like and what I hate.
- Yes, ma'am.

So every other plate
will be different.

Very careful
with the blue ones.

VENITA: I won't break 'em,
I promise.

I've actually
only used them once.

- Really?
- Yeah.

An anniversary
a couple years ago.

Haven't used them since.

But I have licked my wounds.

- I am good now.
- What are you talking about?

I was engaged
in August of 2023

and she, like, walked out
two months later.

- Like, walked out of your life?
- Oh, yeah.

I was with my ex
for three years

and lived together happily
for two and a half.

I absolutely did love her,
but one day it was just over.

She just said she needed space
and that was it.

What was happening?

She said it was
a bunch of things I did wrong.

And I begged
for couples therapy.

She just wouldn't do it.

And then, like, finally
I came home and she'd moved out.

VENITA: Have you tried
dating since or--

Yeah, to varying degrees
of not successful.

Oh, my God.

I mean,
I was heartbroken

and probably still am
to some degree.

- Do you like it?
- That looks awesome.

- Okay, I'm glad.
- That looks great.

- Thank you.
- You're a rock star.

I'm gonna go get ready.

- Yes, about time.
- Yeah.

[upbeat music playing]

That's cute.
I look like a little teacher.

This one's cute, too.

Oh, no.

Oh, sh--,
which one do I do?

This is like
a single boy costume.

You know, Craig, I'll be
a pretty good wingman tonight

because I don't think I'm going
to be getting the chicks

wearing my costume.

The reason you're not
gonna get chicks, Austen,

is because
you have a girlfriend.

[Bacchus barks]

Bacchus, how do you make
a mojito?

[Whitner whistles]

Don't know?

- [Bacchus whining]
- VENITA: Here comes the bride.

[whistles] Very sparkly.

Wait, hold on, hold on.

Like, yes.

- It plays.
- Yeah.

- Dude, this looks great.
- Yeah, it looks so nice.

Venita did all of it,
so we owe it all to her.

- Nice.
- WHITNER: Cocktails there.

We got beers,
we got wine.

I am Hemingway,
running of the bull.

Running of the bull.
The bull.

WHITNER: He's the bull.

Is this it?

You shall not pass!

WHITNER: Yes!

VENITA: Is this Molly?
[laughs]

- Hi. Look at this!
- You look so hot.

It looks enormously hot
and horrible, but I love it.

It is terrible.
It's all for you.

[Western music playing]

Yes!

- "Go West"?
- "Lonesome Dove".

- Lonesome Dove.
- Captain Gus McCrae.

- Sometimes you gotta move on.
- SHEP: Listen to this.

What does the internet say
about Gus McCrae?

"He is a lazy, loquacious,
and charismatic rake

"with a fondness for alcohol,
gambling, and whores."

He does sound like you.

Let's party!

You look so good!

I gotta give
the birthday boy a hug first.

- Happy birthday.
- You look wonderful.

Kissin' Kate Barlow
from "Holes".

- You know?
- From what?

- "Holes".
- What's that?

You don't know "Holes",
the movie?

- "Holes"?
- The book. It was a book first.

- "Holes".
- "Holes".

- SHEP: "Holes".
- SALLEY: "Holes".

MOLLY: Some girls dress up
like Salley and Venita.

Some girls are Gandalf.

I didn't even really see you.

- MOLLY: You shall not pass.
- No.

- Oh, my God.
- This is amazing.

- [laughs] Yours is cute.
- Hi. How are you?

- Where did you get this?
- Amazon.

- Hi.
- Hi. Hi.

- I felt the tension.
- Yeah, it was weird.

I ordered two,
and this was the way better one.

I'm sorry, I'm so bad
at being, like, fake.

- I can't.
- Oh, God.

You want to come
in the house with me?

- Yeah, I do.
- Okay.

SALLEY:

- Ten points for Gryffindor!
- Ten points for Gryffindor!

Wow, this is amazing.

Medusa, don't look
at me too long.

Hey, you look great.

Can I play with your gun?

Might use it on you later.
You never know.

Excuse me.
Help me God.

- Do you know who I am?
- No.

- Rufio.
- Who's Rufio?

It's from "Hook".

Don't I look like the leader of
the Lost Boys who never grew up?

- Yeah, you do. You do.
- There you go.

And it's very fitting
for Charleston, honestly.

- Rufio works. Nailed it, too.
- I need Venita.

Craig asked
if he could play with my gun.

Oh, Craig, Craig, Craig.

You thought
I meant in a sexual way.

- Didn't you?
- Yeah, uh-huh.

Oh, Craig,
you look so hot.

SALLEY: Oh, my God,
you look amazing.

My hair was better
before the wind got it.

- No, it looks good.
- CRAIG: You like it?

No, it looks good. [chuckles]

NARRATOR: Coming up...

You're the only unhappy person

because you're living a lie.

AUSTEN: Craig,
you don't know anything.

You told me that
you were jealous I was single.

[lively music playing]

- VENITA: Happy birthday.
- WHITNER: You want a beverage?

- VENITA: I'll do the mojito.
- WHITNER: Cool.

Hey.
How are you?

- RODRIGO: I'm good.
- Don't look at me so hard.

I'm going to
turn you to a stone.

[whimsical music playing]

- Well, happy birthday.
- WHITNER: Wow.

- This is fun.
- Do you know who I am?

I have no idea.
Wait, hold on. Let me think.

Um, I don't know.

- MADISON: Hey, man.
- Hey.

What up?

Tell me about yourself.

I'm Shepard Rose.

Oh, my God.

He's a literary figure.
You're right.

He wrote a book.

- I mean, you nailed it.
- MADISON: Did I?

I think shorts
and a blazer is a thing

I might explore
in the near future.

Just saying, I think
I'm doing it better than you.

It's very bold.

MADISON: Well,
I did get you a gift.

- WHITNER: You did?
- You did?

I got you
your very own

- shark tooth necklace.
- Oh, my God. I love it.

All the bitches get these.

He got me
a Megalodon tooth.

Taylor, you have
that necklace, right?

It's the same one
you got me.

It's a great white
tooth necklace.

Oh, just two peas
in a pod.

- Madison!
- Oh, my ----ing God.

SHEP: Guess who she is?

Me.

Is this the best thing
that's ever happened to you?

Yeah, look at him.

Shep, this is the best thing
that's ever happened to you.

Madison, you are way
too well-dressed to be Shep.

The only thing she's missing is
a 21-year-old girl on her arm.

But other than that,
I mean, chef's kiss.

- Hey!
- SALLEY: Charley!

You look amazing.

- [Shep laughs]
- Ooh.

- Hey, how are you?
- Who are you?

You look beautiful.

I'm Daisy Buchanan
from "Great Gatsby".

Let's watch him
try to get on with Charley.

- Who are you?
- Let's watch.

- Did you ever watch "Hook"?
- Yeah.

Who am I?

- Leader of the Lost Boys.
- Oh, oh.

That's even better.
He's trying so hard.

- Rufio.
- Yeah, Rufio.

- Bangarang Rufio.
- That's great.

Like, I can see-- like, you can
tell Austen's talking about me.

You know, I think
I clock more than he realizes.

Austen, let's do a shot.

- MOLLY: We have to.
- A shot?

Yeah, come on.
You want to do one with us?

CHARLEY: Yeah.

AUSTEN: Wait, Craig,
what are you doing?

- CRAIG: This is all we have.
- AUSTEN: What?

CRAIG: You know
a shot's just a mini drink.

I've always been doing his shots
the past three years.

[tense music playing]

Austen likes
to make little digs.

And it's because
he gets FOMO.

- Thank you.
- Salley?

- Thank you.
- CRAIG: Charley.

- Charley.
- Yeah.

Okay, cheers.

Salley's never happy
with her shots.

Okay.

Austen's so jealous.

I'm not jealous at all.

- Not at all.
- Wow.

Do you hear him?
"Oh, Craig's hot tub."

- I'm like, "You're so jealous."
- AUSTEN: Whoa.

You're locked up now
in your house.

- Okay, Craig.
- You and your kittens.

Craig, you've been
locked up for five years,

and all of a sudden he emerges
and he's ----ing having fun.

I don't know why it bothers you
what other people do.

Just be yourself, man.

That's all anyone wants.
I'm being myself.

I'm having late nights
at my house,

partying with everyone,
and it's been a blast.

So for you
to hate on fun is silly.

Whoa.
Craig has emerged.

You started it.

Craig, I'm not mad, dude.
You're insane.

Okay, then why did you make
a smart-ass comment about it?

- You look insane right now.
- You're the only one

that's bitter,
and you don't know yourself.

Should I switch it
around on you

and put
a Craig Conover special?

Why are you so unhappy?

You're the only
unhappy person here

because you're living a lie.

You're stuck in a relationship.

You're not happy.

AUSTEN: Okay, Craig.

Craig, you don't know anything.

- I do know.
- You don't know anything.

You told me that
you were jealous I was single.

No, I didn't.
I never said that.

- CRAIG: Yes, you did.
- That never happened.

- ...Jealous you're single.
- Never. I would never say it.

I'm not jealous of anything
you've got going on.

- I promise you very much.
- CRAIG: Okay, awesome.

Happy people
don't tear people down.

You're not happy.

And here you are,
tearing people down.

- I didn't start it.
- AUSTEN: Here you go.

- Oh, my God.
- Walking away.

MOLLY: Jesus Christ.

AUSTEN: Craig Conover special.
Everyone's mad but me.

I hope you find happiness
one day.

I hope you do, too, Craig.
I really do.

You dick.

***

CRAIG: ----ing loser.

***