All language subtitles for Top Gear - S14E03.eng

Tonight,
James wears a stripy jumper.

Richard drives
a stripy Lamborghini.

And we name the greatest
car maker in the world.

Thank you, everybody.
Thank you.

Thank you so much, everybody.

Noisy!

Now, as we know... as we know,
you can never get rid of a baddie,

no matter how
much you kill them.

Remember Glenn Close
in Fatal Attraction?

She was stabbed,
she was drowned.

Half an hour later, rurr!
Reared up out of the bath.

Then you've got the Daleks,
and then you've got Blofeld,

then you've got
Peter Mandelson.

They just keep coming back.

And then there's Top
Gear's perennial baddie.

Yes, it's the caravan.

As regular viewers of Dave will
know, we have, over the last 24 hours,

done our very best to rid the
world of the caravan menace.

I think there's
one more, actually.

That is,
you'll agree, sterling work

in our battle to free the roads
of these mobile traffic jams.

Sadly,
it's a battle we're losing.

There are now almost half a
million caravans on UK roads,

and the British are the most
prolific caravanning nation in Europe -

a title we've held
for almost four years,

according to
the Caravan Council.

In short, they're building them
faster than we can destroy them.

So we need a scientific approach
to getting them off the roads,

and I may have found it.

It works!

What you're
witnessing here, viewers,

is the maiden voyage of the
world's first caravan airship,

and I believe this is the
solution to all our problems.

There are only two ways
to go caravanning.

You can have your
two-litre diesel,

tow your caravan, obscure the
view of all the people you're annoying,

or you can bring it up here.

Everybody wins. Driving is more
fun, caravanning is more exciting.

However, as with all
cutting-edge engineering projects,

there are teething problems.

Normally, you drive along
with your caravan and your car

and when you get to your
caravan site, you have a car to use.

I don't, of course, so I need

somebody to take the car
to the caravan site for me.

And for that, I'm calling on my
old caravan-destroying mate,

Mr Richard Hammond.

Yes, and because it doesn't
have to lug the caravan around,

it can be a nice car.

This car will never, ever
hitch itself to a Swift Rapide.

It's a Lamborghini, probably the
least caravan-îsh car company ever.

This is their new
Gallardo Balboni.

It's a tribute to Valentino Balboni,
Lamborghini's most famous test driver.

Although he wore a cardigan
to work, he was a mentalist.

As a tribute to
his mentalness,

this particular Gallardo is the most
mental Lambo there's been for a while.

But more of that later,

because first, I shall ring James
and offer him some encouragement.

- Hammond, May.
- That thing is gonna crash and burn

and explode and you'll be
scattered in a million pieces

- across the English countryside.
- Don't be so defeatist.

Anyway,
I've got an address for you.

It's Hunter's
Moon Caravan Club,

which is just
outside Wareham in Dorset.

I've made the booking,
they're expecting an airship,

and I'll take you
for lunch by the river.

Right, see you in a bit.
Caravanning in a Lamborghini.

I think he might actually
be on to something here.

Let me tell you a bit about the
caravan airship. It's 125 feet long,

110,000 cubic feet of hot air
holding it up,

and it's a very,
very ingenious solution

because all the caravan
attachments are still here.

The instruments flip up
out of the table,

the gas burners go where the cooker
would be and can be used for cooking,

the beds fit where
I'm sitting here.

It is still a caravan -
it's just a flying caravan.

It floats in the infinite
blue. It's superb.

Meanwhile, on the ground,

this was turning into the best
drive to a caravan site ever.

According to Top Gear research, 37%
of caravanners enjoy wife-swapping.

Well, think what's
going to happen when

the keys to this baby
come out of the pot.

Oh, yeah.

As I was saying, because this is a
tribute to their looniest test driver,

Lambo have ditched the usual
four-wheel drive for a Gallardo

and gone back to the old
hairy-chested rear-wheel drive.

That makes it 120kg lighter.

Ordinary steel brakes instead
of carbon ceramic fancy ones.

It's Lamborghini's punk album.

- Hammond, it's May.
- Ooh, hello.

- You're alive!
- How are you?

- I'm very well. How's it going?
- Pretty good.

- Slight issue on the horizon, though.
- What?

It's not the fastest aircraft
in the world.

How not quick is it?

- Well, top speed is about 17.
- 70 miles an hour's not bad.

In a straight line.

- No, 17 miles an hour.
- Oh, God.

I think Dorset
might be a bit far,

so I've got a new address
for you. Are you ready?

What, another address?

Dale Acres Caravan Club site,
that's in Kent.

- Kent?
- Yeah.

Probably not my first choice
of caravanning destinations.

I know, but it's not
miles from here, mate.

- I'll buy you an ice cream.
- I'll see you there.

Right, camp site number two,
here we come.

It's now time for a spot
of airborne lunch.

This is unquestionably
the most powerful cooker

ever fitted to
a two-berth caravan.

Very well cooked on one side.

OK, another B road, through
another village somewhere.

It's all part of the
adventure of caravanning.

Back to the Balboni.

The thing is, the basicness
just makes it better to drive.

The steering
feels so much quicker

because there's no
four-wheel drive in the way.

And this gear change,
the manual box,

it just feels... It's like shaking
hands with an old friend.

The only thing that isn't
basic is price, because, weirdly,

this stripped-out, strictly
functional Gallardo costs £163,000,

which is 18 grand dearer than
the ordinary four-wheel drive one,

so maybe less really is more.

The Balboni propelled me
towards our camp site in Kent.

And then James rang again.

Hello.

- Hello.
- Are you ringing

- from the grave?
- No, not at all.

It's going marvellously up
here, mate. You'd love it.

- There is one slight hitch, though.
- All right, what's up now?

The performance is
slightly marginal.

If I get a headwind of more than
13 knots, I start to go backwards.

What, you can't go into a wind
of more than 13 knots?

- No.
- What's the wind speed now?

Well, it was 12.

So you're telling me you're
being blown around Britain?

I'll take too long
to get down to Kent,

so I'm going to turn round and
go the other way, up to Suffolk.

- Right.
- Anyway, I've got an address for you.

Why didn't you just ring up
and book us into

every caravan site in Britain
before we left?

Stop nit-picking, will you?

What a Norbert!

If this airship caravanning scheme
of his catches on, what we'll have

is the skies full of airships
crashing into each other

whenever the wind gets up
and then the roads full of cars

crashing into each other because
they have to keep turning round.

OK, camp site number three.

With the wind behind me, I
headed for our new destination.

Good morning. Caravan Club,
Chris speaking. How can I help?

Hi. I was wondering if there were any
pitches available at the White House.

- Beach Club this afternoon, please?
- What's your surname?

May. M-A-Y.

Can I just ask if you have facilities
for people arriving by airship?

By airship? Right, OK, um...

Are you actually a member
of the Caravan Club?

Here I am in the village of...
of, er... here, this village, and it's

somewhere I would
never have seen.

That's a really, really
big tower over there.

That's... well, that's clearly just
a danger to caravanners, isn't it?

I mean, look at it.

Must remember to tell James
about that.

As it turned out,
at that moment,

James had more than a tower
to worry about.

Mayday, Mayday, Mayday!

Norwich Golf Papa Golf, I am
about to enter your air space.

Golf Tango Oscar
Papa Golf, Norwich,

you are entering an area of
intense aerial activity at the moment.

It is imperative that you
remain clear, well clear.

Norwich Golf Papa Golf, sorry,
cannot comply. Have no control

over airship owing
to wind conditions.

Tango Oscar Papa Golf,
remain well clear.

Norwich, cannot comply.

Papa Golf, you have
traffic left, 11 o'clock,

range of half a mile,
fast moving.

- Similar left.
- Roger. Have visual, Golf Papa Golf.

Golf Papa Golf. Further traffic in
your right, three o'clock, right left.

Bloody cock!

BBC Radio 1.
Newsbeat...

Right, that's the news report.

No news of a massive fireball
burning over Northamptonshire

or of people in
the streets being hit

by pieces of long burning hair
and bad jumper.

Anyway, I'm probably
being pessimistic.

I'm sure it's going very well.

No! Stay where you are, man!

Golf Papa Golf, I'm heading
very close to the KLM Cityhopper.

Can you advise them please
not to start up or take off?

Papa Golf Norwich. The police
helicopter will shortly be approaching.

Golf Papa Golf, police
helicopter really not necessary.

I will attempt
to clear your zone

at this altitude. Golf Papa
Golf, please don't call the police.

Norfolk Police helicopter
Oscar 99 to Golf Tango...

Roger, Golf Papa Golf. Cock!

Delta 99.

Not really aware
of your intentions,

but you've strayed into the
controlled air space of Norwich Airport.

I may be about to get a
colossal aviation bollocking.

Suffolk, a popular
holiday destination.

Just a few miles away now.

James will have landed,

set the van up, organised
our little home from home,

probably got the kettle on.

With the wrath of the sky
cops still ringing in my ears,

finally,
I reached a caravan site.

I didn't know if it was the one
I'd booked into, but it would do.

Here we go. The landing
you won't even notice.

This is a lovely approach
over the trees.

Just a matter of arresting
descent with little bursts of gas.

What I'm actually doing here
is helping to realise a dream

that was held by
many great men,

people who envisaged the elegance
and the majesty of lighter than air flight.

Count Zeppelin, Nevil Shute,
Barnes Wallis - this is for them.

A bit of drift. A bit of...

Drifting. Oh, God! Cocking
Nora, this is difficult!

Gas! Gas!

It's going down.

No!

Keep it upright.

I may be going
sideways slightly.

Mayday!

No!

Oh, bloody hell, stop! Stop!

Stop!

Come on!

Papa Charlie Echo Charlie
Charlie Whisker Echo Papa. What?

I think that idea
has a lot of promise.

James, airships don't
and never have worked.

You can't land any aircraft
that flies by being full of hot air.

I've been in
a hot-air balloon once,

and it landed by dragging itself
sideways through a hedge and a field,

and I ended up jammed on top of
the Lady Mayoress in the basket.

Long story, but I did.

Ridiculous. I don't want to talk
about lighter than air transport.

I want to talk
about the Lambo.

It's heroically daft.

By going down from four-wheel
to rear-wheel drive,

it's that bit more bonkers.

It's like free climbing

rather than with those ropes
and harnesses. It's fabulous.

We must now compare it, cos it's
rear-wheel drive, to a Ferrari 430.

Yeah. It's not as good,
but it's better.

I know. It's the panto,
it's the white stripe.

- Supercar.
- It's just amazing.

You got to drive it a lot more
than you thought because of

the freak weather conditions that
blighted James, the light breezes.

Light breeze? It was
more like a ruddy hurricane.

- It was not a hurricane!
- It was puffy clouds.

- It was a breeze. It was a breeze.
- Let's do the news.

Now. The Danes have
made an announcement.

They're going to start
making a supercar.

This is it. That has got a V8 that's
supercharged and turbo-charged,

and they say all of the
components, where possible,

are going to be
made and sourced

by companies in Denmark.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Is it going to
be made of bacon?

Will it be lubricated with
Lurpak? Cos that's Danish.

I tell you what it'll be like.
You know Bang & Olufsen?

Beautiful Danish design,

and then inside, as far as I'm
aware, it's all Philips electronics.

So that's what it'll be like.

Extraordinary. Doesn't stop you
buying pretty much everything they make.

I am a bit of a sucker
for Bang & Olufsen.

Oh! A bit!

Have you been in the new
Audis? New Audis have got.

Bang & Olufsen speakers
that rise up out of the dashboard

when you turn the stereo on.

And I should think you're
rising up along with them.

I am.

I don't know what it is about
it. It works like catnip on him.

If you give him a Bang & Olufsen stereo,
his front legs grab it to his chest,

and his back legs kick it like that, and
he rolls around, "I love it, I love it!"

What's catnip? What is catnip?

If you've got a cat,
you'll know,

it's like a herb,
and you give it to your cat,

they go bonkers.

The only thing I ever want to give a
cat is its name and address to my dogs.

I like the idea that your dogs will hunt
down cats just from a name and address.

They are. He said the other day,
when I said I'd set my dog on his cat,

"It won't be able to do it."

What, your gay dog
comes round to see my cat?

He'd get his
bloody head kicked in!

Anyway, Bang & Olufsen
brings me back to that car,

because I think
that looks absolutely fant...

- I don't care if it is made of bacon.
- What's it called?

Bang & Lurpak,
something like that.

Now, I don't know if you
saw in the papers this week,

a woman had a baby while she
was on her way to hospital in a Kia.

They've called the baby Kia.

Could have been worse.

It could have been Proton.

Because these people
called their baby Kia,

Kia, the people who make the cars,
have actually given them a Kia car.

We've got
a picture of the handover.

There you go. This brings us on
to a very important Top Gear top tip.

If you're on your way to hospital
in labour, and you're in a Kia,

for God's sake, get out!

Let the child be christened
Skip, Bus Stop,

Phone Box,
anything, just get out.

"I christen this child,
Doorway Of Currys."

Cos at least that way
you'd get a free microwave

and not
a hideous car like that.

I reckon this whole story
and baby Kia here,

it could spark
a whole load of copycats,

a load of dads waiting until the
very last minute on the due date

and then secretly hiring
a Lamborghini Murcielago

and driving really slowly
to the hospital.

"Are you all right, darling?
Think you can hang on?"

Yeah, why are you called Pagani Zonda
With The Optional Ceramic Brake Package?

Now, last weekend, the three
of us were in Middlesbrough,

and on Saturday night we
had to drive back to England.

Which meant going...

You know what I mean. It
meant going back down the M1.

The truth of the matter is that all
three of us had been away from home

for six weeks or something,
looking forward to seeing our families.

So belting down the M1, and
you arrive in Leicestershire,

and there is a 20-mile
set of roadworks there.

20 miles, which have average
speed cameras set at 50 miles an hour

for the entire length.

Traffic's light, there's no rain, it's
three lanes, but you're forced to do 50.

I don't know who
the Minister of Transport is,

but I want him to find the man
who came up with that idea,

go round to his office on
Monday morning

and punch him really hard in
the side of his head. Just boof!

Because if he doesn't,
I'm going to find the man

and I'm going to attach him
to a milling machine

and see if it's possible to turn a
man's head into a perfect cube.

D'you know why they have
the 50-mile-an-hour speed limit?

To protect the workforce,
who weren't there.

They were in bed,
where I wanted to be.

I agree with you entirely.

But the answer is not
cubing people's heads.

The answer is, when the
workforce isn't there, do 70.

You're just going
to get nicked.

No, but if everybody
does 70...

Who here would do 70 through
roadworks with an average speed camera?

Nobody, James. You go charging through
and you're just going to get booked.

That's fine. You can test it. Stay to
70 because that is the speed limit.

You take it to court in front of
a jury, and you argue, correctly,

that it is wrong to apply the
50-mile-an-hour speed limit

- when there's no-one there to protect.
- So you're saying it's logic?

It is logic.

- It's logic to kill Peter Mandelson.
- No, it isn't.

It is, but you can't do it.

Killing Peter
Mandelson is a grey area,

but doing 70 miles an hour
on the motorway is an absolute.

How many people went on
that anti-war march? A million.

We went to war. How many people
went on the countryside march?

400,000,
and fox-hunting was banned.

The Government is not
interested in the will of the people,

particularly if it was just one
pedantic, long-haired, old queen,

standing up in court saying,
"I did 70 cos it's logical."

You're absolutely right.

Speed limits on motorways
can be a pain,

and there's two solutions
outlined for you.

Revolution or
cubing people's heads,

or alternatively you could
just leave a bit earlier.

No, cube their heads!

Set off five minutes earlier.
Stop your moaning.

- It's not five minutes.
- It's five minutes a day.

If you have to... Anyone here from
Leicestershire? Is anyone here...

How did you get here? Jesus!

Jesus is from Leicestershire!

It is Jesus! Come here, Jesus.
Come and talk to me.

- Congratulations for...
- Thank you.

It's slightly bigger news than the M1,
but we'll gloss over the Second Coming.

- Do you commute on that bit of road?
- No, I go the back way.

- Because of that?
- Yeah.

How much is it adding to
your transport every day?

Er, about ten minutes,
quarter of an hour.

- Ten minutes a day?
- Each way.

Each way, five days a week. So
that's an hour and 40 minutes a week

the Government is
stealing from Jesus.

- That's right.
- Now, that is an issue.

Thank you, Jesus,
for sharing that with us.

Gordon Brown is stealing an
hour and 40 minutes from Jesus.

Anyway, time to move on.

Because last week, we asked
you to nominate the car maker

that you thought over the years has
made the largest number of great cars.

There have been a couple of
quite interesting nominations.

One was Matchbox.

That was a surprise.

Very clever, I thought.
The other was James May.

He actually
tied with Chrysler.

It was weird cos he's only ever made
one great car, James, the Eagle Ham Thrust.

It was a really great car.

Anyway, this is the top ten.

We've Ferrari, Lamborghini, and
coming up now we have the top three.

- Here they are.
- Thank you.

- Automatic board.
- Automatic sign. Cost a lot of money.

- Hi-tech. Very modern.
- In third place,

according to you,
the voters...

BMW. Third place.

In second place,
even though they made

the worst car in the history
of the world ever, the Beetle.

- It's VW.
- It's Volkswagen.

No applauding that.

You can applaud this if you
like. The winner - it's Ford!

So that is it.

The thing is,
though, you're wrong.

- Yeah.
- No, you are.

Ford hasn't won this at all.

Because we reckon Ford's made
four great cars over the years.

But the car company we think is at
the top of this list has made seven.

Exactly. The car company
we've got in mind...

There were 350 million people
watching last week's show

when we asked for you to vote.

The number of
people who voted for

what we think is the greatest
car company in the world was nine.

- Not nine million. Just nine.
- Just nine.

- No ideas?
- Made some of the prettiest cars ever?

Let me put it this way - Mitsubishi has
won the World Rally Championship once,

Subaru three times,
Ford three times.

The company we've got in mind
won it ten times.

No?
Silence. OK then, watch this.

This is a collection of art,
of madness, of brilliance.

This is
a collection of pornography.

This is
a collection of Lancias.

But this, annoyingly, is the
Lancia people remember best of all,

the Beta.

It was made from steel so thin

that on a windy day it
would actually change shape.

And it wasn't much cop
in the rain either.

This was fine yesterday, but then
this morning we had a bit of a shower,

and now look at it.

The fact is, though,
that all Lancias had problems.

The Gamma, for instance,

exploded every time you turned
the steering wheel.

And then there was the Fulvia.

It is a fantastic
little car, this.

It's like
driving... a rorty sorbet.

With its clever V4 engine, a
Fulvia was actually the first Lancia

to win the World
Rally Championship.

Thing is, though, when all is said
and done, it was a very small, 1.3 litre,

front-wheel drive,
two-door saloon car.

But it cost, when it was new,
more than an E-Type Jaguar.

We forgave the Fulvia
its silly price tag,

though, because of
what made it great.

The same thing that made almost
all Lancias great - the way it looked.

It really is as pretty as the sun
setting over Charlize Theron.

In its day, this was too.
The streamlined Aprilia,

the first car ever to be
designed in a wind tunnel.

But inevitably
there were problems.

For example, the doors opened
like this, and that was lovely.

Meant getting in
and out was very easy.

However, when they were
closed, they didn't quite meet,

so quite a lot of weather could
get inside as you drove along.

And it was only made with
right-hand drive,

which is fine in Britain and Sweden,
which drove on the left at the time,

but it was quite annoying
everywhere else.

And then there
was the Montecarlo.

This was a wonderful car,
a mid-engined mini-Ferrari.

But because it was actually a
Lancia, the things that were right

were balanced out
by the things that were wrong.

If you so much as looked
at the middle pedal,

the brakes would lock up
and you'd crash into a tree.

Lancia took
the thing very seriously,

so much so that they stopped
production for two years

whilst they
looked for a solution.

And they found one. What they
did was remove the brake servo,

so then it had
no brakes at all.

And... Oooh! Er... Oh.

The Montecarlo, then,
was quite dangerous.

But in that Lancia way,
it was so pretty

I wanted one more than
I wanted my next breath.

Sometimes, though, Lancia's
lunacy did produce results.

Did you know Lancia
was the first car company

ever to sell a car
with a monocoque?

They were the first to offer
a five-speed gear box.

The first to ever sell a car with
supercharging and turbo-charging

on the same engine.

First to sell a road car
with a V6 engine.

First to sell a car
with an electric boot spoiler.

So they did all these
significant mechanical firsts,

and yet still,
if you say to anyone "Lancia",

they snigger and say,
"They fall apart."

I know. It's ridiculous.

Holy moly!

- Has the bumper come off?
- I believe it has, yes.

You need to define greatness,
and that's the important thing.

Just because
something is unreliable...

...doesn't mean
it isn't great.

Stephen Hawkins - great bloke,
even though a lot of him doesn't work.

Yeah. I wouldn't
break it to him like that.

No, but that's...

But the principle stands,
yeah, it does.

Meryl Streep - everybody
says she's a great actress,

and then she goes and appears in
Mamma Mia, the worst film ever made.

But she's still
a great actress.

Have you seen Mamma Mia?

- Yes, I have.
- You big girl.

To prove that even the tattiest
Lancia is tougher than you might think,

we have bought this 1982 HPE.

And I shall now
drive it non-stop

through the night
on a rough rally stage.

And I shall be racing...
No, not racing.

Been told about that.
Dangerous.

Um, driving at the same time
on the same track

in a similar vintage car,
this Morris Marina.

Right. Hammond, winner,
last one still running.

Yep, fair enough.

Let's do it!

This is not a promising start

in dispelling the myth that
Lancias weren't very good.

Yes!

Never doubted it.

Obviously, the Marina won't work because
these vile, hateful things are hopeless.

God.

Now, you might be saying,
"Oh, it's a Morris Marina.

"A piano's going
to fall on it."

The more eagle-eyed viewer may
have spotted I have taken the precaution

of buying a Marina that's already
had a piano land on it, so job done.

Since we were
doing serious research,

we'd agreed that there
would be no childish racing.

Don't hit Hammond.

I've hit Hammond!

That's OK, that's OK.

Proving what a fine and strong
breed of car the Lancia always was.

I hope I don't hit Jeremy just as he
goes round this really difficult corner.

Oh, he's got the outside there.
He'll never get by, and he hasn't.

But we're not racing. We're not racing.
We're not... This is driving me mad.

He's through while I got
my sun visor out of the way!

For hour after hour,

we continued to not race
round the rally stage.

It's now, as you can see,
pretty close to dark.

Still literally no faults to
report, absolutely none.

Eventually,
after not racing some more...

Come on!

...the Marina
began to pull ahead.

It is, of course, a well-known
fact that a piano on the roof

aids traction and gives you more
speed on a rally special stage.

But then, predictably,
it broke down.

Tools...

So I went to get some tools
to try and fix it.

There he is! It's
Hammond! He's out!

He's down!

The Lancia soldiered on alone,
but then I got a warning light.

Literally.

Oh no! It's... Yes, look...

I can't see
through the flames!

I've got to blow this out.
Oh God!

Maybe if I sped up,
like in Memphis Belle.

Come on!
No, that's not working.

I can't see anything.

No matter,
though, because here's proof

that Lancias are tough
and strong and dependable.

It's getting quite bad now.

So now, can we please move on?

This is a Stratos.

It had a 2.4 litre Ferrari V6,
mounted in the middle.

It was Italian,
it was styled by Bertone

and it was
completely impractical.

It therefore ticked
all the supercar boxes.

But unlike any other supercar
before or since,

it wasn't designed
to be parked in Monte Carlo.

It was designed to
get there, like this.

Its absurdly short wheel base
meant it was agile

and the Ferrari
power meant it was fast.

So fast that it won the World
Rally Championship three times.

And joy of joys, they made
500 Stratoses for people to buy.

- Aarrggh!
- Oh-ho-ho!

Oh, that's a proper noise.

What a fantastic car!

Of course, there were
a few problems with it.

Chief among which
was a lack of space inside.

A gynaecologist would get in
here and go, "God, I'm at work!"

It's like climbing into a giant...
somebody else's giant red posing pouch.

James May's!

I'm going for a gear change.

Stop touching my knee!

- You try changing gear.
- You grasped hold of my knee.

You've got to.
I'm going to change gear now.

This will
involve man touching.

And the list of faults doesn't
end with the tiny cockpit.

Why did they give the passenger
the pedals and the driver the wheel?

I don't know.
They're definitely

- over to the right-hand side.
- Yeah.

You're sort of
sitting a bit sideways.

These window winders are...

A tad basic.
It's not very good.

The other thing I really like
as well is,

you know a Porsche
puts the rev counter

- right in front of you.
- Yes.

Lancia, in this, put the oil
pressure right in front of you.

What does that tell you!

So, not perfect.

But then you look at it,

and there's the thing,
because it just sort of is.

This is one of
the best cars ever made.

Yeah, I'd go with that.

On the grounds of
its achievement,

but also that slightly more
subjective thing

of how gorgeous it looks.
This... Stop doing that to my knee.

- Just move your leg.
- That was a stroke, that was a stroke!

- Move it!
- Well, I can't...

After
the Stratos came the 037.

The last two-wheel drive car to
win the World Rally Championship.

And the only two-wheel drive
car to beat the mighty Audi Quattro.

The thing is, though, no-one
really remembers the 037.

Then there's the Thema 832.

Lancia's answer to the BMW M5.

No-one really
remembers this, either,

even though it had a fully fledged
Ferrari V8 under the bonnet.

We don't really remember
any of Lancia's seven great cars,

and all because of
what happened in 1980.

Lancia was forced by pressure
from the media to spend a fortune

buying back rusty Betas,

scrapping them and giving
their owners brand new cars.

It was a PR disaster.

In Britain, Lancia's
reputation was ruined.

And in 1994, they pulled out
of the market altogether.

However, before the most charismatic
car maker of them all finally went,

they left us with one final reminder
of what they can do when they try.

This is the Delta Integrale,

a four-wheel-drive,
turbo charged rally car

that picked up where the Fulvia,
the Stratos and the 037 left off.

This thing won the World Rally
Championship six times on the trot.

Six times!

And you can feel
that DNA in here.

The steering is
so neat, precise.

Feeling that there.

Feel it settle into a turn
and just grip,

just pull itself back
into the corner.

The turbo comes on song.

Having learnt their lesson
with the Aprilia,

Lancia weren't going to be stupid enough
to make these only in right-hand drive,

so they made them
left-hand drive... only.

Only Lancia.

Despite this, a good one of
these today is worth £25,000.

And I'm not surprised.

Because this is
a very unusual Lancia.

It wasn't very pretty.

But, God, it was good.

It's so pretty.

Unbelievably pretty.

I actually want one. I'm standing
here thinking, "I want one."

But, what I love about Lancia
is that they never once said,

"Let's just
make a medium car."

No, they were always doing experiments.
Some of the experiments worked,

- some didn't.
- But that's the nature of it.

They might think, "Can we make an
engine with seven-and-a-half cylinders?"

Let's see if we can make the windows
go up and down, not with electricity,

but with magic. Abracadabra!
No, it hasn't worked. Sell it anyway.

Exactly, and that's what
made them so magnificent.

They are still going today, but
now they're just a division of Fiat,

making things like this, which is
neither very pretty nor very good.

What it is in essence
is a Fiat Bravo

with Rio Ferdinand's face
stuck on the front.

But fear not, because if you
still hanker over the glory days,

later in the show, we have something
to warm the cockles of your heart.

Yes, but now it's time to put a
star in our reasonably priced car.

My guest tonight is
a broadcasting legend.

He also has an astonishing
collection of cars...

I have a list for you here -

a Ferrari 599, Ferrari F40,
Ferrari California,

Ferrari Enzo, Ferrari 288 GTO,

Ferrari 308 GTS, Ferrari 246
Dino, Ferrari 275 GTB quad-cam,

Ferrari 250 GT California
short wheelbase,

and Ferrari 250 GT California
long wheelbase.

So, let's find out if there's any
particular type of car he likes.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Chris Evans!

- How are you?
- Good, Jeremy. How are you?

Very well.
You've grown up, Chris Evans.

- Hi.
- Have a seat, mate. Have a seat.

Presumably, you disagree with
our greatest car verdict, then?

- Oh, quelle surprise!
- Lancia.

You don't believe that, presumably,
judging by your collection

that they're a particularly
brilliant maker of motor cars?

What, a car falling to bits,
the best marque in the world!

- Yes.
- Are you mad or are you mental?

Lancias only came
in black and rust!

I still stand by...
There's more Lancias...

- Oh, come on!
- ...I'd like to own...

The number of Ferraris
I'd like to own now is one.

What about the 860 Monza? What about
the 750 Monza? What about the 850 Monza?

What about the PF 250?
What about the four-cam?

What about the... What...

A lot of people
write and complain

that this isn't a car
show any more. It is now!

I love this enthusiasm. Why
have you painted all yours white?

Because I wanted them to match.
I wanted them to be a work of art.

I've got a white garage or "car
house" as they're sometimes known.

It's got a white
piano in it, right...

that plays itself, and there are
these eight beautiful white Ferraris.

And I've got matching number
plates. It's so anal, it's not true.

Which leads you
to that auction.

When you bid for the Ferrari
California, the James Coburn car.

- Yes.
- This is terribly vulgar.

I wouldn't normally do it,
how much did you pay for that?

It was the most expensive
car sold at auction in the world...

- when I bought it.
- Last year?

- A lot of millions?
- Yeah, it was $12 million.

How drunk were you?

I wasn't drunk at all. The point
is, I didn't go to buy the car.

I went to buy a poster.

I'm not joking, I'm not
joking. I went to buy a poster.

The 250 short wheelbase California
Spider came up on the stand,

my second
favourite car in the world.

Why? Because it was in my Top
Trumps collection. It's as simple as that.

That's how these things work
and that's how life is sometimes.

I thought, I'll go for it, because
I've always wanted one,

that was the best one in the world,
James Coburn owned it for 28 years.

He bought it because he met Steve
McQueen on the The Great Escape...

Just talking about this makes the
hairs on the back of my neck stand up.

It's all documented, I've got all
the history and now that little baby's

back in the garage at home.

- I show it to as many people as I can.
- Unbelievable. Now...

I was listening to
you the other day...

I listen to you every day
whilst stuck in a traffic jam,

and you've auctioned your
entire collection of Ferraris,

well, most of your collection of
Ferraris, for Children In Need.

- Yes.
- So how does that work?

- People ring in and they were bidding?
- Yes.

Then they can drive
whichever they want?

What happens is, we take the
seven highest bids on the day

and they spend...
It's a four-day tour

and during the four days, each
person who's bid the amount of money

gets to drive
every single car.

Isn't that terrifying
from your point of view?

It's only tin and rubber.

The great thing about these cars, if
anybody comes round to my house,

whether they're fitting a carpet,
doing the garden, burgling...

I say, "Just before you take that,
come and have a look at the cars."

I think it's really important to
share these cars with people.

But you don't know who's bid.

I mean, you know their names, but
you could have any sort of ape turning up.

Well, no...
Well, if you bid, then...

Um... now,
you've got a book out.

It's Not What You Think...
Which is what it's called.

Yes.

And there's lists of everything
at the beginning of every chapter.

- Top tens.
- The top tens, which is great.

A man loves a top ten. We
like to quantify everything.

But this car business, it
does seem to me that cars...

You sometimes claim you're not
a car man, but you bloody well are!

No, I'm definitely a car man.

Behind my family, my job,
maybe, you're not going to like this,

maybe golf,
then I am a car man.

Sometimes, if I'm away
from home, the first thing I do,

I get back home and I have to go
to the garage just to have a smell.

- I love it.
- Well, you...

The smell of petrol and
leather, I love it to death.

It's better than
stuff I've never tried.

OK.

Now, when I first met you,
about a million years ago,

you were
definitely a Porsche man.

You are having a laugh!

- You had a 96...
- You need to go to bed

instead of
working all the time.

Did you have a 968?

No!

You did, convertible.

- I did... I didn't have...
- Big Breakfast.

You've addled your mind.

It wasn't a 968 cos a 968 was
Tiptronic and mine was manual.

- So it was a 944?
- What?

It was a 944 drop top.

It was 19 grand,
it was a great car,

but it was dull and boring
because it was a Porsche.

Now, obviously the big news is
that, Chris Evans, enfant terrible

of the broadcasting airwaves
for many years, is about to

take over from
the Terry Master.

Has he given you any advice
about morning stuff?

Like, how to get up early?
That's the number one.

Terry doesn't get up early. Terry starts
at 7.30am, that's not a breakfast show.

- What time are you starting?
- Seven.

It is funny because you'll have to
pretend to be older than you are.

No, I'm not, because
if somebody is 60...

We had a request for somebody's
60th birthday, they wanted Van Halen,

because that's the music that
was around when they were 60.

So, we're OK. I mean,

there's quality tunes about... You
had Brian Johnson on the show,

lead singer of AC/DC,
62 years old.

- Nothing wrong with a 60...
- It's all fine.

We're all gonna be...

Well, my generation, are going
to be in our old people's home

with Anarchy In The UK
in our wheelchairs.

How great's that?

We won't even have wheelchairs
and we'll still be doing that.

- I am the Antichrist.
- Give me a wheelchair.

I don't want any more, Gracie
Fields, just this. Yeah, exactly.

So, how did it go for you,
out there today on our lap?

Well, I did my best.

Probably the worst weather
there's ever been out there.

Yeah, yeah.

The Stig, what a lovely man,
he could not have been nicer,

however, what I decided
to do... I've had a great life.

I've had a great time,
thanks very much.

I thought, if I'm going to die,
let's die today on this track.

He did actually say,

"As far as I could work out, Chris,
has no sense of self-preservation."

Would anybody like to see
some of Chris's practices?

- Yeah.
- Let's have a look

at some of these practice
things here cos it's a good giggle.

...At the 50 marker, then
turn in, then off the brakes...

Brake hard now! Into second...

This is the Hammerhead.

Feel like you're
going out of control...

- What's happened there?
- Going out of control.

- Nobody's ever spun there before.
- See? That's good.

Wait a minute, what's this?
This is... the last corner.

- Sideways!
- Nobody's ever spun there.

Sideways at the crew.

Here's second-to-last corner,
everybody goes here.

Oh, yes, I'm impressed!

You never even made it to the corner
before you were going backwards.

I thought I'd go straight
on here.

- Brilliant!
- That is good bravery.

Very good bravery.

But then...

- Yes.
- ...the lap happened for real.

Who wants to see it?

- Yeah!
- Let's have a look.

So, you haven't learned your
lesson, still going for brute force.

Come on! Hello, family.

Concentrate, man. Concentrate
on the job in hand. That is wet.

Good. Oh, it's Joe
90 behind the wheel.

Cutting across the red
and whites, that's slippery.

- You're looking quite good, though.
- You've never been good

at anything like this in your life,
try and have a go at this. Come on!

Have you really never
been good at anything?

Not like this, no.

I'm with you,
all sports are impossible.

But that's not bad.

You've got to nail Hammerhead,
Chrissy.

You've got to do this, even though
your chin does look like a bum!

Right, here we go, here's Hammerhead.
Will we get round it this time?

Oh no, we put cones out now
when it's raining

so Jonathan Ross doesn't
get lost if he ever comes back.

You're in the white lines.

That looks slow but that's
important for a quick time.

Aim for the cameraman! There's
the cameraman! Bad karma,

because I missed the gear,
aiming for the cameraman.

Very easy, he's gonna miss a
gear cos he's getting a bit tired now.

That's looking good.

Oh, the smell of the clutch.
Mmm!

But does it smell of victory?

I'm being a bit chicken, a bit of a
wuss into the final bend. Come on now!

Cut the corner, just a bit.

That's the trick.
No, that's good...

That's quite a lot!

And this one, cut it...
No, that's...

So an entirely new lap,
but across the line!

So, here we are.

There's the board.

There is the board.

Where do you think... Obviously
we will give you a wet lap there.

We'll put Chris Evans "wet" on it.
Where do you think you've come?

I don't think it's that impressive, but
I did... I promise you I tried my best.

But I'm not going to lean forward.
I'm going to just try and be cool.

We've never had a guest who's
managed to stay just like that.

I tell you,
my heart is racing.

You did it in one minute... So
you're quicker than Terry Wogan was.

You're already the new fastest
Radio 2 breakfast show host

we've ever had.

- In the last 40 years.
- In the last 40 years!

- You did it in one minute...
- Yes.

...40...

Oh, that's good.

...48.1. And for a wet lap,

that... that's the third-fastest
wet lap we've ever had.

Oh, look. There's your ex.

- Yeah, I'm just above her.
- Yeah.

- 0.2 seconds faster...
- But not on top of her, just above her.

Cos she's my ex.

Although we were accused of favouritism
with her by David Tennant, who said

we only allowed her to do that
after she cut corners

because she was wearing
a see-through top.

And he was quite right,
of course!

Completely right. But then
you cut corners as well.

Next time I'm going to wear
a see-through top.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Chris Evans.

- Best of luck.
- Thank you so much.

That is a good time.
You can be proud of that.

Now, earlier on in the show,

we explained that Lancia, the
greatest car company in the world,

just because of a few problems
with rust 30 years ago,

they're not available
in the UK any more.

The thing is though,
as Jeremy's been finding out,

you can still
get one... sort of.

This is a Lancia Stratos,
except for one small thing.

It isn't.

It wasn't made in
the '70s in Italy.

In fact, I don't know where it was
made. In a shed in Nuneaton, probably.

This, you see, is a kit car.

Either you can pay someone
to build it for you,

or you can make it at home
yourself with a hammer.

Apparently,
if you're fairly competent,

that would take
about 300 hours.

Obviously, it would take me about
300 years, which is a very long time.

But there is an upside.

An original
Stratos would cost...

£100,000, maybe more.

That is £13,000.

In theory, that makes this, the
Hawk HF, the bargain of the century.

The body is absolutely
identical to the original,

all the panels are
completely interchangeable.

The interior, too, would
be familiar to Lancia fans.

The pedals are nowhere near
where the bottom of my legs are.

The steering wheel is perilously
close to where my testes used to be,

before the seatbelt jammed
them up into my lungs.

The gear lever, that's like
one of Bugs Bunny's ears,

and one of the switches on the
dashboard operates the fire extinguisher,

but since I don't know which one
it is, I daren't touch any of them.

The wiper has
gone upside down.

That wouldn't actually clear the
rain, I don't think, from the window.

And then there
was a big noise.

Oh, wait a minute.
What the hell?

What was that?

The front left
brake had jammed on.

I've got to get this into a
workshop. Come on, come on!

I took the car to Nigel, the
resident mechanic at our track,

and greeted him in
the usual fashion.

Have you got a hammer?

That is scalding hot, as we can
see on the thermal imaging camera.

He's gone to
answer the phone now.

While we wait,
I suppose I should explain

the £13,000 doesn't include
the cost of an engine.

You have to get one yourself.

And you've a choice of two,
you can either get Fiat's twin-cam,

which you can buy used these
days for about 5p, or for 600 quid,

you can get
the engine I have in this.

You use this handle, which is
disguised as a spoiler, to get the back up,

and there you are. Alfa's
brilliant three-litre V6.

This actually produces more power
than the Ferrari engine Lancia used,

and with it,
the Hawk is faster...

when it's working.
Which it will be... eventually.

It is mended. And now
I'm going to get back in,

which is a surprisingly elegant
process... if you're a mouse.

You simply get one...

Oh, that's not good.

You sort of get over
this roll bar... like this.

Then you get your head in.

It's probably easier to detach your
head first and put it back on in the car.

There we are.

Over there, and then...

you might want to cut the
camera for this bit. This is a bit...

I had intended at this point
to check out the performance,

but after the brake problem,
I had rather lost my nerve.

0-60 takes less
than five seconds

and what I'm not going to do now
is see when that acceleration stops.

I really don't want to travel
at 150 miles an hour

in a car built in a shed
by a man I've never met.

This is 90.
That's... the wiper's gone.

That is an important consideration
you have to bear in mind

if you're thinking of buying
a used kit car.

You have to ask,
"Was it built fastidiously

"by James May over a period
of many hundreds of years?

"Or was it built by a spanner
with a hammer?"

I mean, would you buy
a kit car that I'd built?

Having chickened on the max
speed run, I decided to not find out

what it's like flat-out
through the corners.

Here we go!

I'm going in.

And here I am, cornering,
not at all flat-out.

Er... 60, that's fine.

Brakes, all three-and-three-quarters
of them, are very squirrelly.

The steering's very heavy, a
lot of body roll. There we are.

I think that's probably enough
cornering now, we've done that, tick.

Certainly then, the Hawk is only as
good as the bloke who put it together.

You'll spend more time
under it than in it, for example.

I'm not going to pretend it's as
good as an original Stratos either,

for the same reason that a
postcard of the Mona Lisa

is not as good as Leonardo's.

But one day your car will
be working, and you'll see

a reflection of yourself
in a shop window as you go by,

and trust me on this,
that's going to feel good.

Because, critically,
this looks like a Stratos.

And if we're honest,
that's all we really want.

I would like to build
a kit car like that,

because I think it would be
very therapeutic.

No, but it would be. You know
what I mean, it's more satisfying

to have something
you've made yourself.

I don't even like to eat a
sandwich I've made myself,

because it's always got blood
in it and bits of my fingers.

But anyway, we must now find out
how fast this car goes round our track,

and of course, that means handing
it over to our tame racing driver.

Some say that his new
Christmas range of fragrances

includes the great
smell of Wednesday...

...and that he was turned down
for the job of EU President

because his face is
just too recognisable.

All we know is
he's call The Stig.

He's off, there he goes.
I say, listen to that noise.

The Alfa V6 sounds, if anything,
even better than the Ferrari V6.

That's a fantastic sound.

What's happening here?

Is he looking for the stereo,
no? Stiggy, what's gone wrong?

He's broken down!

How authentic is that?

Yes, this is a scene
familiar to any Lancia owner.

Look at him walking off, completing
his journey on foot. And there he is...

not across the line.

Now, there is no way
we were going to allow

our first-ever DNF - did not finish -
on the board, to be a Lancia, no way.

So we mended
the car in a shed,

OK, brought it back, it was here
this morning for The Stig to try again.

Unfortunately,
it was raining this time.

But the car has set off well,
still making a fabulous noise,

look at the rooster tails,

still dipping badly under
braking as The Stig turns in.

Ooh, I say,
that's a bit wide, Stiggy!

Where are you going?

He's got it back. Now, that's
amazing driving as he comes up now

to Chicago, locks up the front,
back stepped out, this is wide.

He's gone! The Stig has spun!

But that's not
going to stop him,

he's still going on, look
at that for determination.

Stig's obviously a Lancia fan as well
as he comes up to the Hammerhead.

Yes, he's got it to turn in nicely,
done better than Chris Evans there.

Oh, nice through with a
whole, beautifully-held slide.

But it's gone wrong! He's
headed for the camera crew.

I bet they were frightened! Now,
here we go. Is he breaking down again?

No, he isn't.
That's not at all Lancia-îsh

as he comes to
the follow-through.

Yes, he's definitely backed off
of that and I can't say I blame him,

as he heads now towards
the tyres, building up speed,

but not too much speed.
Now he's coming down.

Oh, crikey,
this is out of control now!

But he's done it, he's round
the second-to-last corner...

Oh, no, he's gone again!

Look at that!

Now that's what
I call driving,

as he comes round Gambon,
this time across the line.

That is the best-looking lap
we've ever seen.

And I have to say,
one of the most exciting.

- Spectacular.
- Car control is phenomenal.

But the time was...

1 minute 48.2, which means

it's also the slowest lap we've ever
had round the Top Gear test track.

Mind you, can you imagine how
long it would have taken if he'd built it?

He wouldn't have finished
the lap by now, would he?

- Yes, it would.
- Or now.

Thank you. Anyway, listen,

next week we're on for reasons
we don't understand at 8.30pm.

Or now.

- And on that bombshell...
- Or now.

...it's time to end. Thank
you so much for watching.

- Or now.
- Good night!

Or now!

Or now.