Original subtitles

Are you ready, kids?

KIDS: Aye, aye, Captain!

I can't hear you.

[ louder]: Aye, aye, Captain!

♪ Oh...

♪ Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? ♪

♪ SpongeBob SquarePants!♪

♪ Absorbent and yellow and porous is he. ♪

♪ SpongeBob SquarePants!♪

♪ If nautical nonsense be something you wish... ♪

♪ SpongeBob SquarePants!♪

♪ Then drop on the deck and flop like a fish. ♪

♪ SpongeBob SquarePants!♪

♪ Ready? SpongeBob SquarePants! ♪

♪ SpongeBob SquarePants!

♪ SpongeBob SquarePants!

♪ SpongeBob SquarePants!

[ laughs heartily]

[ plays airy tune]

Captioning sponsored by MTV NETWORKS

[ SpongeBob and Patrick laughing]

Whoa!

[ both laughing]

[ laughing heartily]

You're it.

[ both laughing]

You're it.

Wait, Pat-- you're it!

[ screams]

The sign!

[ laughter turns to fear]

[ yells]

[ thud]

Patrick!

Let me help you out of there, buddy.

Is the rest of you down there?

The rest of me is up here.

Ooh, you had me worried there, buddy.

[ laughs]

Here's your head.

[ laughs obnoxiously]

I find all this laughter to be highly illogical.

Well, let's stop laughing and let's start fishing.

Go ahead, you get first crack.

Look at them-- these graceful stoic creatures of the deep.

Huh? Those are some big words, Pat.

I've never heard you use them before.

Nonsense, my vocabulary is infinitely expanding.

Well, let's expand our jellyfish nets.

Come on, Patrick.

Look, buddy, I captured one.

Yes, I captured one as well

without disturbing its delicate ecosystem.

It is wrong to harness nature

in such a barbaric manner.

Okay.

What do you want to do?

Let us go off and admire

the beauty and fragility of nature.

Pretty.

Yes, quite.

Fragile.

Indeed.

Come on, Patrick, let's do something fun.

Oh, you want to run some statistics

or observe phenomenon

and render hypothesis of said phenomenon?

I was thinking more like jumping rope

or one-legged races, or playing duck-duck- hermit crab.

Doesn't feel like fun.

How about some jokes.

[ sighs]

What's the difference between a guitar and a jellyfish?

You can't strum a jellyfish.

Yes!

[ laughs obnoxiously]

[ strums beautiful chord]

Oh, my, look at the time.

I really must be going.

What's wrong with Patrick?

I sure hope he gets better soon.

Are you better, Pat?

Uh, what are you doing?

Just studying this amazing subspecies.

I'll show you subspecies.

Want to visit Squidward?

Since I am finished with my work,

I'll humor you in your trivial pursuits.

[ playing off-key melody]

I'd recognize that piece anywhere:

Cornelius Pufferfish's Opus 67, "Symphony in Blue."

Patrick?

It's a beautiful piece.

Execution needs some work.

May I suggest that on the seventh bar

of the adagio andante that you add a little fortissimo

on the arpeggiated b-flat scale?

Wow, I never thought to do it like that.

Well, that is because you rarely think.

How do you know all that?

A creative outlet provides a spiritual release

and helps facilitate a healthy mental balance.

[ inhales deeply]

Does that include [ belching] belch talking?

Mr. SquarePants, I find your humor vulgar.

I had no idea you were so knowledgeable, Patrick.

Do you think you could be my musical mentor?

Uh, guys?

Let's take it from the top.

[ squeaky notes]

Not so excellent, Squidward.

Let me demonstrate the proper technique.

On second thought, practice makes perfect.

Let's begin.

[ playing nose]

Uh, thank you, my good chap.

Unfortunately this is a solo piece for clarinet only.

And one, two, three, four.

[ Squidward playing off-key]

PATRICK: Stop! Enough!

Find yourself a new mentor!

Now that you're free,

let's get some grub.

No, SpongeBob, I'm afraid not.

Well, I have a brand new bottle of super bubbly bubble soap.

No, thanks again.

Maybe later we can play pirates.

Robert, my dear, it's no use.

We've just grown apart.

What? What do you mean?

I know we've had fun in the past,

but we're just not compatible anymore.

It's time we went our separate ways.

Such is life.

But Patrick, you're my best friend.

I know it's hard, but brace up, chap.

[ sniffling]: Yeah.

Maybe our paths will cross again some day.

Think fondly of me, Mr. SquarePants.

Good-bye... Mr. Best Friend.

[ sobbing]

[ doorbell rings]

Sandy, you there?

I need some professional help.

[ Sandy and Patrick laughing]

Patrick?

Well, Pat, the new you gets an "A" plus.

Why, thank you, Sandra.

I find your intellect rather stimulating as well.

SANDY: Oh, really? Thanks.

Patrick, what do you think about this problem?

You simply change the literal term to a coefficient

and the minuend will achieve the desired quotient.

Even the simplest of mammals could figure it out

with a little thought.

What do you mean by that, Patrick?

I'm merely suggesting

you lack the ability to solve remedial equations.

Are you suggesting I'm dumb?

I'd use a more sophisticated word like "impaired."

I think you'd better leave.

I was only trying to help.

I don't need your kind of help, Mr. Know-It-All.

I liked you better when you were a barnaclehead!

[ sniffling]: I never thought I'd lose my best friend.

How can I compete with geniuses?

[ crying]

Surrounded by knowledge and no one to share it with,

no one I can call friend.

Who's that old chap I used to run with?

SpongeBob.

At least Patrick's my friend in my memories.

Ah, the glory days.

Why have we grown apart?

I must apply all that I know to solve this problem.

What could it be?

What's different?

[ screaming]: What?!

I'd do anything to have my old buddy back by my side again.

[ banging on door]

SPONGEBOB [ sadly]: Coming.

Patrick-- you're kidnapping me?

Yes, I am.

Yay!

What should we do?

We are going to have fun,

whatever the cost may be.

Let's do this.

Yes, let's have some fun.

Oh, yeah!

Oh, absolutely!

Are you quite sure I found this activity to be fun?

Yeah.

[ screaming]

That was fun, huh, Patrick?

[ mumbling]

[ sighs]

When did the fun go away, SpongeBob?

It went away when you jumped off that cliff

and knocked your head clean off.

That's it. That's what?

What are you doing?

I'm going to duplicate my actions from that day

to ascertain the origin of my cha...an...nge!

[ distant thud]

SPONGEBOB: Patrick!

Hold on, buddy.

There you go.

Don't worry, Patrick.

I found your head last time, I'll find it again.

Not back there, not under here.

What if I can't find it?

Oh, poor headless Patrick.

Patrick, your head is back.

But... uh... do you feel different?

Quite unchanged, actually.

I guess we'll never have fun together again.

You said you found my dislodged cranial cap last time.

Yes?

Where exactly did you find it?

Um... it was right here.

Hmm... impossible.

If I landed here, the trajectory of my dismembered skull

would cause it to come to rest not there...

but here, exactly five meters due north.

But if that's your head, then what did I pick up over...?

Brain coral.

No wonder you got so smart, buddy.

Here you go, Patrick, your old head.

Are you sure you want to give up being smart and phosisticated

to be my friend again?

Knowledge can never replace friendship.

I prefer to be an idiot.

Not just an idiot, Patrick.

You're also my pal.

Patrick?

Say something, Patrick.

[ belching]: Hi, SpongeBob.

Patrick, you're back.

Patrick, you're back.

[ both laughing goofily]

[ weird jellyfish war cry]

[ laughing goofily]

[ playing jazzy tune]

[ screaming]

Squidward, we love you!

We love you Squidward, you're my favorite.

[ Squidward laughing]

[ alarm rings]

All right, all right.

Time for another hideous day at work.

Uh, just hang in there, gorgeous.

[ plays note on clarinet]

Your star will shine at the clarinet recital tomorrow.

[ chuckles]

Time for another glorious day at work.

Good morning, Squidward.

And isn't it a lovely morning?

Why are you playing the clarinet?

I'm practicing for my clarinet recital.

Soon all of Bikini Bottom

will recognize the talent that is Squidward Tentacles.

Good-bye, SpongeBoob.

See you at the Krusty Krab, Squidward.

Hey Sandy-- what's this?

Well, this here's my new matter transporter.

It can move things from one place to another

in the blink of an eye.

Ooh, that sounds fancy.

Let me show you how it works.

Whoa!

Where'd it go?

Just where you think it would be.

[ gasps]: Oh!

Uh-oh, I'm late for work.

Think your machine could zap me over to the Krusty Krab?

Always did want to try a critter.

Sure, why not?

Get in there, SpongeBob.

Woo-hoo!

Hold on tight.

SPONGEBOB: Gee, Sandy, this sure feels...

[ garbled]

Well, here we go again.

Hey, Thkwidward.

[ laughs]

What's going on with this thing?

[ screaming]

What in tarnation? [ gasps]

Hi, Sandy!

I'm not sure what it is,

but something seems different about me.

Yeah-- me, too.

Hey, what're you doing with my hand?

What... what am I doing with your hand?

[ Squidward screams]

What is this?

We're all mixed up together.

[ Squidward straining]

This is horrible.

I have my clarinet recital tomorrow.

Oh, it's not so bad, Squidward.

Now we can be best buddies and do everything together forever.

[ Squidward screams]

Sandy, was this your doing?

You've got to get us separated.

Well, I wish I knew how.

Well, you have to do something.

I can't stay stuck to him.

Hmm, I wonder what would happen

if I tried zapping you back in the transporter?

Uh, yeah, good idea-- let's do it.

Well, here goes nothing.

TEACHER: All right, children, today is Timmy's birthday.

You know what that means-- ready, Timmy?

[ strange moaning]

[ teacher and Timmy screaming]

Congratulations, Mrs. Smith.

You gave birth to a healthy baby boy.

May I see my baby?

Of course.

[ screams]

I've been in love with you

ever since I first laid my eye on you.

Hey, baby, what's your name?

It's no use, Sandy.

We're still the same.

Well, that's a darn shame.

You know what?

I was working on the blueprints for a new invention,

but it's still in the embryonic stage.

Try anything!

I cannot go to my clarinet recital like this.

I'll continue working on it.

In the meantime, you boys keep your heads up.

Together forever.

Misery.

SpongeBob, hasn't anybody taught you how to ride a bike?

Don't worry, I'll drive.

Ow! Ow!

SpongeBob! Ow! Ow! Ow!

Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

I got to lay off the hot sauce.

[ crashing]

What in blazes is going on in here?

Oh, hi, Mr. Krabs.

What are you two doing laying around?

Get to work!

If you say so.

Egad! What happened to you?

Uh, I don't want to know.

Just go do your jobs.

Aye, aye, cap'n!

Do you have to be such an accommodating buffoon?

Squidward, everybody knows I'm a sponge.

I look nothing like a balloon.

I don't have time for this.

I got to man the cash register.

[ straining

Whew!

Can I help you?

Two Krabby Patties, please.

SQUIDWARD: SpongeBob, I need two Krabby Patties.

Two Krabby Patties coming right up.

I can't reach the bun.

SpongeBob, what's the hold up?

S-sorry, Mr. Krabs, I'm on it.

Time is money, boy.

Time is money, right.

[ struggling]

Hello, bun, at last we meet.

[ screams]

[ horrific scream]

And now for...

[ both screaming]

All right, that's it.

I can't afford you jeopardizing my business.

You two are more trouble than you're worth.

And don't come back until you get this problem sorted out.

SPONGEBOB: Look on the bright side, Squidward.

At least we still have each other.

That's how we got in this predicament in the first place.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'd like a moment of peace.

[ starts playing clarinet]

Whoa! Rock on, freaky bro.

SQUIDWARD: Sandy! Sandy!

Please tell me you've figured out a way to separate us.

Say hello to the molecular separator ray.

Hello, molecular separator ray.

Well, let's get on with it.

My clarinet recital is tomorrow night.

Uh, well, I'm not quite done with it yet.

What?

I'm still putting it together.

At best I'll have it ready,

uh... day after tomorrow maybe?

What? Day after tomorrow?

No, no, no, no!

I have a performance tomorrow.

I can't be stuck to that yellow freak.

Sandy, please-- you got to do it before the show.

Well, uh, I suppose...

I'll have it ready before you go on.

[ straining]

SQUIDWARD: Of course.

Oh, my.

Where are you Sandy?

Sandy?

I can't do it, I can't go out there.

Squidward... this is your moment,

the story you will tell

when you look back as a... superstar.

Superstar?

Now go out there and give them

the best darned show they've ever seen.

You're right-- the show must go on.

ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlefish,

Bikini Bottom's community rec center

is proud to present Squidward Tentacles.

[ applause]

[ crowd oohs]

[ playing soulful tune]

Honey, I'm scared.

[ continues playing]

[ cloth tears]

[ crowd gasps]

Uh... hi.

Whoa!

[ laughs]

Rock on, freaky bro.

Yeah! Whoo!

[ crowd commenting]

[ cheering and whistling]

Wow, they really liked it.

MR. KRABS: There you go, Squiddy.

[ crowd cheering]

They... they... they're cheering.

Superstardom-- this must be what it feels like.

This is what it looks like,

what it... sounds like,

and... [ inhales deeply] what it smells like.

Wow, simply intoxicating.

Whoo-wee! Well, there you boys are.

Looks like I'm just in time.

Sandy?

One blast of this molecular separator ray

and you'll be separated for good.

No, no wait-- Sandy, don't.

[ crowd gasps]

[ disappointed grumbling]

[ starts playing clarinet]

I think I'm going to be sick.

Ah, I'm out of here.

Huh? No, wait, wait!

Aw, come on.

Oh, my one moment of fame gone.

There's got to be some way to reverse this.

No, Squidward, that's a very sensitive device.

Squidward, I wouldn't...

So, what seems to be the problem, Mr. Tentacles?

It all started when I was born.

Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org