Original subtitles

Are you ready, kids?

Aye, aye, Captain!

I can't hear you.

Aye, aye, Captain!

♪ Oh...

♪ Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? ♪

♪ SpongeBob SquarePants! ♪

♪ Absorbent and yellow and porous is he. ♪

♪ SpongeBob SquarePants! ♪

♪ If nautical nonsense be something you wish... ♪

♪ SpongeBob SquarePants! ♪

♪ Then drop on the deck and flop like a fish. ♪

♪ SpongeBob SquarePants! ♪

♪ Ready? SpongeBob SquarePants! ♪

♪ SpongeBob SquarePants!

♪ SpongeBob SquarePants!

♪ SpongeBob SquarePants!

Captioning sponsored by THE U.S. DEPARTMENT OF EDUCATION

and NICKELODEON

Ah, Goo Lagoon, a luxurious oasis of sand and sea.

Shoot, SpongeBob,

how can we go swimming

when you're in a shirt & tie?

Ah, yes, how foolish of me.

Allow me to remedy said situation right now.

I will just use this changing tent here

to change into my bathing suit.

And I won't do anything else.

SpongeBob's acting jumpier

than a rattlesnake in a pickle barrel.

Wait... what?

Oh, I'll be changing all right,

but not into a bathing suit.

Wait until Sandy sees that I brought my karate gear!

Hi-yah!

Hi... yah!

Sandy won't beat me this time,

because I've got the element on my side.

The element of surprise.

Hi-yah!

SpongeBob, are you ready?

Yes, Sandy, I most certainly am ready!

Ready to get it on.

Hi...

Hi-yah!

Look, SpongeBob,

we both brought our karate gear.

Great minds think alike, I suppose.

Hi-yah!

I may be down, but I'm not out!

Way to go, buddy.

It took us three days

to make that potato salad.

Three days!

Hi-yah!

Sandy?

Oh, I'm Sandy all right...

I'm very sandy.

Hi-yah!

Oh, I get it.

She's "Sandy."

That's her name and she's also covered in... yes.

Back in Texas, we call ice cream "frozen cow juice."

Excuse me for a sec.

Hi... yah!

Thank you.

No, no, thank you.

Hi-yah!

Who threw that piece of paper at me?

Hey, what's everyone

waiting in line for?

Ahoy, fair lass, it be the line to get into the Salty Spitoon,

the roughest, toughest, sailor club

ever to be built under the seven seas.

Only the baddest of the bad can get in.

You need to have muscles.

You need to have muscles on your muscles.

You need to have muscles on your eyeballs.

Ew.

Looks like a rip-snortin' good time, SpongeBob.

Yeah, let's go in.

Go ahead.

Welcome to the Salty Spitoon.

How tough are ya?

How tough am I?

How tough am I?

I had a bowl of nails for breakfast this morning.

Yeah, so?

Without any milk.

Uh, right this way.

Sorry to keep you waiting.

Welcome to the Salty Spitoon.

How tough are ya?

How tough am I?

Wow.

Got any more tattoos?

Uh, that won't be necessary. Go ahead.

Thanks!

See ya inside, SpongeBob.

How tough are ya?

How tough am I?

You got a new bottle of ketchup?

Sure.

It's on!

If I could just run this under some hot water...

Get outta here.

This place is too tough for you, little man.

Too tough for me?

That's downright ridiculous.

I'll have you know I stubbed my toe last week

while watering my spice garden and I only cried for 20 minutes.

Listen, kid, I think you'd be more comfortable

over at that place.

Weenie Hut Jr.'s?

Are you saying I belong at Weenie Hut Jr.'s?

Oh, no, sorry. I was actually

pointing to the place next to it.

Super Weenie Hut Jr.'s?

Yeah.

Unless you think you're tough enough to fight me.

How's your collection coming along?

Well I don't mean to brag,

but it's pretty sweet.

I'm in the process of acquiring issue 347

which will give me my fourth set.

No!

What weenies.

Oh, brother.

Would you care for another diet cola

with a lemon twist, Weenie?

What?!

But I'm not a weenie!

I'm sorry, sir, but my sensors indicate

that you are indeed a weenie.

That's impossible!

You can't hide what's inside.

I demand entrance into your club

on the grounds that I am nota weenie!

Hey, Reg, how's it going?

You were saying?

Go ahead, buddy.

Thanks, Reg.

So, your name's Reg?

Would you get outta here?

Mark my words, Reg!

I will get into the Salty Spitoon!

I will!

Couldn't get in, huh?

What you need is a tough hairdo.

No one gets into the double-S

without a tough hairdo.

I disagree... I saw a guy

going in there and he was bald.

I saw that guy.

He wasn't bald, he had a shaved head.

Shaved... that's a hairdo.

Case closed.

Hey, where'd he go?

I believe he said something

about going to the wig store.

Ha-ha!

Check and mate!

What's shaking, my man?

Not much.

Say, haven't I seen you before?

Doubt it... I'm a drifter... Just blew into town.

Heard your club was pretty tough.

Thought I'd check it out.

Nice try, kid.

I know it's you.

What are you talking about?

Aha!

Hey everybody, what's going on?

Ah, you can go in.

Sorry about that.

And what do youwant?

I'd like to gain entrance to your club, please.

I believe my hairdo is in order.

So where do you stand

on the whole bald vs. shaved debate?

Hey-ya, Reg.

All right, now it's a party.

Oh, yeah, check out the new ink.

Thanks.

Hey, look what I can make it do.

Yeah!

Hey, what about that one?

Huh, you know, I don't remember getting this one.

Can you make it dance?

Oh, here, let me try.

Hot-cha, cha-cha, hot-cha, cha-cha.

Cha-ditty-cha-ditty-cha!

Hmm, wait a minute.

Go ahead in.

Yeah, sure, Reg.

Thanks.

Nice try, little man.

Hey, I was in front of you!

No, you weren't!

Are you callin' me a liar?

I ain't callin' you for dinner!

Hold it, you two... That's enough.

You're both plenty tough.

Go ahead in.

All right.

Thanks, Reg.

Hey, what about me?

I was in that scrap.

I saw you running.

When you get in a real fight, then we'll talk.

Well then, I guess it's time to take it up a notch.

Care for another sundae, weenie?

I am not a weenie!

Relax, you're among friends.

My friends don't hang out at Weenie Hut Jr.'s.

You tell 'em, SpongeBob.

Patrick, what are you doing here?

I'm always here on Double-Weenie Wednesday.

Actually, they moved

Double-Weenie Wednesday to Friday.

Besides, today's Monday.

Oh, so it's Mega-Weenie Monday?

That's now on Sunday.

Barnacles!

Super Weenie Hut Jr.'s

has a Mega-Weenie Monday.

No, you're thinking

of Monster-Weenie Monday.

I don't have time for this!

I've gotta go pick a fight with a muscular stranger.

It's the only way of getting

into the Salty Spitoon.

No, SpongeBob, you can't.

It's too dangerous.

I've got no choice.

I have a suggestion.

Why not fake a fight?

Hey, that's not a bad idea!

You can call me a couple of bad names,

we rumble, next thing you know

you're in the Salty Spitoon.

Well, I guess I've got nothing to lose.

Let's do it!

Yeah!

Hey, how come you never

help us with our problems?

I am a robot, not a miracle worker.

Afternoon, Reg.

Whoa, whoa, little man.

You still can't go in.

Well, that makes me pretty mad.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah.

I might have to beat someone up

just to get rid of all this blind fury.

Wow.

I feel pretty sorry for the next guy who looks at me funny.

Hmm... what about that guy?

I... don't be silly,

he's not bothering anybody.

I mean, not like... that guy!

Who, me?

Yeah, you.

Standing there all smiling and whatnot.

Somebody ought to teach you some manners.

Okay, but I must warn you.

I happen to be a world championship... uh...

"kick... box... er."

I don't care if you're the demon seed of Davey Jones!

You're going down, Tubby!

Tubby?

Nobody calls me Tubby!

Wait, Patrick.

You're supposed to let mewin, remember?

Oh, yeah.

No, please wait!

No, please, have mercy.

Wow!

You destroyed that guy

without even touching him!

I did?

I never thought I'd say this,

but... go ahead in.

Really?

I can go in?

Oh, my gosh, I never thought this moment would come!

I, SpongeBob SquarePants,

am tough enough to get into the Salty Spitoon!

This is the happiest day of my life!

Sandy?

What happened?

You ran inside and slipped on an ice cube.

What happened?

I slipped on an ice cube and got covered in boo-boos.

Boo-boos, eh?

I think you guys want thathospital.

Weenie Hut General?!

Ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five, four,

three, two, one.

I'm done with my shift, Mr. Krabs!

And let me just say,

there will come a day when I will make something of my life

and I will never have to set foot in this grease trap again!

Yeah, we'll see you

after your lunch break, Squidward.

Okay.

So I just took my private yacht

across my private lake to my private heliport.

It's the only way off my private island.

Oh, shrimp!

It's my arch rival from high school, Squilliam Fancyson!

I can't let him see me in my Krusty Krab uniform.

On your lunch break, eh, Squiddy?

Yes... I mean no... I mean... uh, uh...

Hey, whatcha been up to?

Oh, just succeeding in everything you've failed in.

You are no great shakes, Squilliam Fancyson!

Anyone can be a big shot in a hick town like Bikini Bottom.

Oh, is that so?

Let's hear what you've accomplished

since high school, Squiddy.

Don't be intimidated, Squidward.

Try to imagine him in his underwear.

Oh, no, he's hot!

I'm, uh, in... food service.

Hold it, don't tell me...

You're a cashier!

Don't lie.

Lying always makes it worse.

I own a five-star restaurant!

Squidward, I had no idea you were such a success.

That's right!

And I would be honored

if you would allow me to come to yourrestaurant...

tonight.

T-t-t-t-t-t-tonight?

In fact, we'll all come.

My treat!

Please, Mr. Krabs, you got to help me!

When they get here tonight

they'll see I'm just a big phony and a loser!

Oh, boo-hoo!

Let me play a sad song for you on the world's smallest violin.

This is serious.

I know... this really is

the world's smallest violin.

See?

Mr. Krabs!

Please let me run the restaurant

for just one night!

I really need to impress Squilliam.

Sq-Sq-Sq-Squilliam?

That guy who made millions

doing what you wish you could do?

Don't rub it in.

Why didn't you tell me?

We'll take him to the cleaners!

All right, listen up!

Men, Squilliam Fancyson will be here in 20 minutes.

Therefore, we need to turn the Krusty Krab

into a fancy restaurant as soon as possible!

Patrick, what are you doing here?

I thought the Corps

would straighten out my life, sir!

The Corps?

What the...?

Patrick this isn't the...

Beggars can't be choosers.

Can you take hats

in a dignified and sophisticated manner?

You mean like a weenie?

Okay!

May I take your hat, sir?

May I take your hat, sir?

May I...

All right, I've heard enough.

You've got the job.

Mr. Krabs, didn't you once serve on the S.S. Gourmet?

Aye-aye!

Then you'll be our chef.

What can I do?

I can't believe I'm saying this,

but, SpongeBob, you're going to have to be the waiter.

What's that?

It's the guy who goes to tables and takes orders.

Do other restaurants do that?

Yes, they do that!

Now listen, Squilliam is on his way

and you have less than 20 minutes

to become a fancy waiter,

so read this.

"How To Become a Fancy Waiter

in Less Than 20 Minutes."

Don't worry, Squidward,

I'll memorize every page...

Right down to the punctuation!

All right, I've got all the positions filled.

I just might pull this off.

Give me that hat!

I said give it to me!

Are you going to hand it over or not?

Don't you back-sass me!

He's just the hat-check guy, nothing essential!

What happened? What is it?

Peas!

Made 'em the old-fashioned way.

Mr. Krabs, you got to take them out of the...

Holy fish paste, what is that?

That's the appetizer!

But, I thought you said

you were the head chef on the S.S. Gourmet?

Did I say that?

No, I cleaned the bathrooms on the Gourmet.

I was the head chef on the S.S. Diarrhea.

There you are!

SpongeBob, you got to help me!

Patrick and Mr. Krabs aren't working out

and Squilliam's almost here,

and, and... SpongeBob?

I can't do it.

I can't do it, Squidward.

What?

Every sentence, every paragraph...

Spoons! Bread! Salad! Pepper!

Don't you understand?

My brain is full to bursting!

If I have to memorize a single order,

I think I'm going to explode!

SpongeBob, hold on!

Let's just take a second here to relax.

Little more...

Little more...

Good.

Now... I want you to empty your mind.

Empty my mind?

Empty your mind.

Empty my mind.

Empty your mind of everything

that doesn't have to do with fine dining.

Fine dining and breathing...

Just got an order from the boss:

dump everything that isn't about fine dining!

Everything?

Everything.

Come on, come on!

Quicker, quicker!

Start dumping, start dumping.

Come on, let's get moving!

Hurry up!

What am I paying you for?

You don't pay me.

We don't even exist.

We're just a clever visual metaphor

used to personify the abstract concept of thought.

One more crack like that and you're out of here!

No, please!

I have three kids!

How do you feel?

SpongeBob?

This isn't working!

I gotta go tell Squilliam I need more time!

I'll just go and tell him...

You're here!

Hello, Squiddy!

We're all ready to be dazzled

by your five-star restaurant.

Wait, Squilliam!

I've got to explain!

Explain what?

That you, Squidward Tentacles,

voted most likely to suck eggs n high school,

are trying to pass off a lousy burger stand

as a five-star...

restaurant?

Hommina, hommina, hommina, hommina...

Hommina, hommina, hommina...

Hommina, hommina, hommina, hommina, hommina...

Table for Hommina?

I can seat you immediately.

How did you do all this?

It was easy... once I cleared my mind.

But what about Krabs and Patrick?

Taken care of.

Right this way, please.

Good evening, sir.

From our menu tonight,

might I recommend the Krabby Newburg?

We take the finest cuts of aged, imported kelp,

stuff them with herbs from our garden,

wrap them in parchment

with our shallot tapenade,

roast them for hours in our wood-fired oven,

and serve them with wilted coral

on a mahogany plank.

Mmm... this is fantastic!

Thank you, sir.

Pinch me, I must be dreaming.

If you need anything else, just call.

SpongeBob, I can't thank you enough

for all you're doing!

Fine dining and breathing are all I know how to do.

It worked.

I can't believe it!

Squilliam thinks I own a five-star restaurant.

Time to rub it in his face.

Well, Squilliam, I'm waiting.

All right, I admit it.

Everything is fabulous!

The food, the atmosphere... Everything's flawless!

In that case, I need you to read this.

"Squidward Tentacles..."

And I need you to wear this.

Oh, eh, "Squidward Tentacles has the fanciest..."

I'm sorry, one more time.

"Squidward Tentacles has the fanciest restaurant

in Bikini Bottom... and he does not suck eggs."

Squidward, I must tell you...

Thank you.

What really won me over was your brilliant waiter.

It's as if all he knows

is fine dining and breathing.

I must know your name.

My name?

Yes, your name, son.

Uh, Beef Wellington?

No, your name.

Uh... er...

The fork on the left?

Stop joking.

Tell him our name.

My name...

What's his name? What's his name?

I got nothing on a name!

Come on baby, what's the name?

We threw out his name!

Uh...

I am so very sorry!

I don't know what has gotten into that...

More soup for your armpits?

Please enjoy the food!

Would you like some cheese on that, sir?

Ow, ow, ow, ow!

No, no!

Run for your lives, everyone, it's the appetizer!

Well, Squiddy, I'm waiting.

Okay, I admit it!

I'm a fraud!

This was all a futile, pathetic attempt to impress you.

This isn't really my restaurant!

I'm just a cashier!

Squidward, I understand.

I have a confession to make myself.

I made everything up about my life.

I have no yachts, jets or anything.

I was only trying to impress you.

The horrible, sad truth is I'm a cashier, too!

Is that true?

Of course not!

I'm filthy, stinking rich!

Come on, everyone!

Let's all take a ride in my balloon/casino.

Hooray!

I got such a headache.

What's going on with you?

Oh, the usual.

Would you get out of here!

[And NICKELODEON]