Original subtitles

?Are you ready, kids

:KIDS !Aye, aye, Captain

.I can't hear you

:KIDS !Aye, aye, Captain

♪ !Ooh

♪ Who lives in a pineapple ?under the sea ♪

♪ !Spongebob Squarepants♪

♪ Absorbent and yellow and porous is he ♪

♪ Spongebob !Squarepants♪

♪ If nautical nonsense be something you wish ♪

♪ !Spongebob Squarepants♪

♪ Then drop on the deck and flop like a fish ♪

♪ ?Spongebob Squarepants!♪ready

♪ !Spongebob Squarepants

♪ !Spongebob Squarepants

♪ !Spongebob Squarepants

♪ !Spongebob Squarepants

[hearty laughter ]

[flute playing ]

Captioning sponsored by THE] U.S. DEPARTMENT OF EDUCATION

[and NICKELODEON

[bell ringing ]

:MRS. PUFF .Okay, class, quiet, quiet

Now, get out your pencils and paper

and write down .the assignment

[class groans ]

?Did you hear that

.We get an assignment

Everyone must write an essay on what notto do

.at a stoplight

[all groaning ]

?Did you hear that

What not to do !at a stoplight

!In no less than 800 words

[squeal of delight ]

[all groaning ]

?Did you hear that !?800 words

!Yeah, I know

.Due tomorrow

:And remember, class .work hard and no goofing off

:SPONGEBOB !Okay, Gary, no goofing off

I am about to write the greatest essay

.of all time

,Like most great essays it will be written

.on paper

Even more important ...than the paper is

.the pencil

[bell dings ]

A pencil is sharp or as dull .as I like

,Hmm, funny, as my ideas grow .you shrink

[chuckles ]

Well, I couldn't have asked

for a more beautiful day .to write an essay

[birds chirping ]

.Okay, here we go

What Not To Do" ".At A Stoplight

.Hey, this is easy

".By SpongeBob Squarepants"

.Ha! This essay is pure gold

,And now, pencil get ready to do your stuff

.because herewe go

[ticking ]

...Gee

.this is harder than I thought

[ children laughing ]

!Come on, SpongeBob

It should be against the law to have to write an essay

,on such a super sailorific !sunshiny day

!Oh

,But I must press onward

because with this pencil and the ,completion of this essay

I'll be one step closer !to my driver's license

[ tires squealing ]

.Oh, yeah

.This'll be no problemo

.Why, I got plenty of time .It's only 6:00

[ ticking ]

.Okay... okay, here we go

.Here we go

!Ahh

I know, I just need to get

a little blood pumpin' .in the old noodle

?How about some calisthenics

!Hup-hoo! Hup-hoo !Hup-hoo! Hup-hoo

!Hup-hoo! Hup-hoo !Hup-hoo! Hup-hoo

!Hup-hoo! Hup-hoo !Hup-hoo! Hup-hoo

Ah, I can feel !those juices pumpin' now

[squeak ]

[singsong squeaking ]

[rhythmic squeaking ]

[gurgling laughter ]

!?Hey! What am I doing

!I got to write that paper

[grunting ]

.Come on, pencil, make words

[meow ]

!Gary

Hey, hey, hey

?Gary, how's my favorite mollusk

How about you let ol' SpongeBob

fix you up ?something to eat

[meows ]

,What do you mean ?you're not hungry

[meows ]

I know I have !an essay to write

!Now come on, Gary

[grunts ]

I got to make sure you get your nutrition

so I'm not leaving .until you eat every single bite

[loud chomp, gulp ]

[burps ]

[squishy slithering ]

Gary, a-are you sure you don't want

?some crème brulée

Or-or some chocoflavored ?algae bits

[squishes ]

.Gee, Gary sure made a mess

I can't work on my essay

knowing there's a mess .in the kitchen

[squeaking ]

...Hmm

I might as well clean the rest of the floor

.while I'm at it

[squeaking and whistling ]

:[groaning ] I should get .these hard-to-reach places, too

And these dishes .need to be cleaned

.Can't have dirty garbage

[clinking ]

Well, I think .it's clean enough now

[bell tinkling ]

.Why, that didn't take too long ...It's only

!10:00

!Oh

.No more fooling around

.I got to get back to work

Okay, Mr. Essay, I say

!prepare to be written

[dive-bomber whooshing ]

[loud thud ]

!I'm doing it

!I'm doing it

!Yeah, yeah! Yeah

...And some of these ...and some of these

...Almost there and

.sizzling]...done ]

[sighs ]

Now let's see .how it looks so far

"...The"

!Break time

.Pacing always helps me think

.Let's see, only 799 words to go

!Think, SpongeBob, think

[snorting ]

[loud ringing ]

:[gasping ] !?W-Who's that ?Wha...? Hello

?Hey, Patrick, what you up to

.Sleeping

.That's really fascinating

?Are you having a good sleep

Any dreams you'd like ?to discuss

...I remember on the

?SpongeBob

You and I both know that you're just using me

as a distraction

so you don't have to write .your essay

[gasping, stammering ]

!That is nottrue

I called to have an engaging .conversation with you

.Well, I'm listening

...Uh... Marco

.Polo

[dial tone ]

,Yeah, well .I got to get going, Patrick

.Got an important essay to write

.Sheesh, what a chatterbox

?Can't he see that I'm busy

[chair squeaks ]

I can't write with all these eraser shavings

.all over my paper

[grunts ]

Now they're floating .around my thinking space

[inhales deeply ]

.So long, pesky particles

[twittering squeaks ]

[grunting ]

[choking ]

[gulps, gasps ]

!I swallowed one

!I'm choking

:[coughing ] !Water

!Water

[frantic gulping ]

[gasping ]

.That was a close one

[meows ]

What do you mean

,overly dramatic ?Gary

All that choking .sure made me hungry

[meows ]

I can't write on an .empty stomach, Gary

.I got to have my brain food

...Now, let's see ?white or rye bread

?Or pumpernickel

Gee, I guess it really depends ...on the meat inside

.and the cheese

[doorbell rings ]

?A visitor

!?For me

.Hello

Package for .Mr. Squarepants

!Great

!Thanks

So, uh, you like ?delivering mail

.It puts bread on the table

?Rye or pumpernickel

[obnoxious laughter ]

.Oh, brother

So, do you deliver your own mail

or do you have ?your own mailperson

?But then who delivers hismail

Is there a never-ending chain of mailmen

delivering mail ?to other mailmen

Well, I guess a P.O. box

,could, in theory ...break the chain

Don't you have ?a paper to write

[gulps ]

How did he know I'm supposed ?to be writing an essay

[blipping ]

[slams ]

In other news

local resident SpongeBob Squarepants

only has a few hours left to complete his essay

and yet he continues .to goof off

?When will he learn

[screaming ]

[glass breaking ]

[candle crackles ]

:[male voice ] .Hey, SpongeBob

.Over here

.Come on, take a seat

.Put your feet up and relax

[bell chiming, gasping ]

!Oh, no

!Midnight

[panting heavily ]

[alarms ringing ]

!Must... get... back to desk

[yells ]

!Whew

.That was a close call

[screams ] !My pants

.Yoo-hoo .Down here

!You get up here

!I got to get back to work

!Freedom

!Stop, pants

You get back here ...this instant

!pants

[slams ] [yells ]

[groaning ]

[clattering ]

.Time's... up... SpongeBob

[gasps ]

!Burning

!Only 799 words to go

[sinister laughter ]

!No

[screams ]

!?What have I done

!Help

!Help, my house is on fire

[jabbering ]

[brakes squeal ]

!?SpongeBob, why

Why did you set me ?on fire, SpongeBob

Why didn't you just !?write your essay

!Stop wasting time

[gasps ]

[pops ]

?Where's my essay

.Oh, there you are

[laughing ]

.I must have dozed off

?Let's see, where are we

?Do I dare look at the clock

[creaking ]

[ticking ]

:[gasping ] !It's almost 9:00

!Class starts in five minutes

How am I going to write this whole paper

!?in five minutes

How am I supposed to know ?what not to do at a stoplight

Feeding your snail is something not to do

...at a stoplight

and making a sandwich and-and lighting candles

and drinking water and calling your friends

and karate chopping the TV

and shooting the breeze with the mailman

...and falling asleep and

[panting heavily ]

!Mrs. Puff

!Mrs. Puff, I'm finished

!All 800 words

!I'm finished !Here it is

?They... Mrs. Puff

?Where is everybody

,Oh, there you are .SpongeBob

,Here you go .Mrs. Puff

800 words, all about stoplights .and what not to do at them

,I'm sorry, SpongeBob .I tried to call you

I have to go .to a teachers' convention

But what about ?my essay

I decided to cancel .the assignment

We're just going to take a field trip

.to a stoplight instead

.See you next week

[grunting ]

[knocking ]

[grunts ]

!Whoo

[grunting ]

[panting ]

.Oh, sweep, sweep

!Need... furniture

[panting and gasping ]

Patrick, what's ?with the home improvement

[barks ]

[panting ]

!Hey, Patrick

!Ooh, sweep, sweep

Well, Patrick, I came over to see

if you wanted to go jelly fishing

but I can see you're busy .having an episode

,You know something ?Spongebob

it's just all fun and games .for you

.Nothing really matters

:[mockingly ] !Oh, let's go jelly fishing"

.We don't have any work to do"

Life is just a big bowl" of fancy, assorted cashews

and nobody has anything" to dust or to clean

"!or to wipe, or fabricate

But, Patrick, the only thing I've ever seen you clean

.is your plate

[sobbing ]

,I don't know what to do .Spongebob

!You got to help me

Patrick, you forgot .how to eat again

Come on, we'll .get the funnel

,No, it's not that .Spongebob; it's worse

Darn, I like .the funnel

?Well, what is it then

!Look

.Hey, a note

.Yeah, but turn it over

.There's a letter

.You're right

And I got this message .from my parents

?Your parents

,Dear Patrick" Your mom and I

are coming out tomorrow" .for Starfish Day

,Please try to remember" but don't try too hard

or you'll hurt yourself" .like last time

".Love, Daddy

Spongebob, my parents think I'm dumber

.than a sack of diapers

,No, they don't .Patrick

Parents just like ...to push your buttons

!like this-- Nee

[laughing ]

.That always cheers me up

.But not today

Patrick, if your parents think you're dumb

then they must not know .what dumb really is

But don't they watch ?television

.That's what I'm saying, Pat

If your parents got to meet a real dummy

they'd realize what genius .you really are

Oh, but don't genius live ?in a lamp

And besides, we don't know .any dumb people

.Don't worry, Patrick

!I'll be the dummy

When your parents see how dumb I act

they'll think you're .the smartest guy ever

!Math is power

A, B, C, D

[E, F, G...[ doorbell rings

...Oh! ...H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O

Should I get the bullhorn ?again, Marty

?W, X, Y and Z...

.Hi, Mom

.Hi, Dad

Son, you recognized us .this time

Why wouldn't I recognize ?my own parents

.You never were a bright one

...Uh

[laughing ]

Well, aren't you going ?to show us inside

He probably forgot .where it is

...I know where

Oh, let me lead the way ?so we don't get lost, huh

.Hold hands now

.Okay, we're almost there

.Let go on three

.One, two, three

!Good job

.Pats for Patrick.Pats for Patrick

[both laughing ]

.I'll go get the beverages

[ice cubes tinkling ]

!Wow, son

You put the drinks insomething .this time

Aw, son, you must've been working all night

to put these together .for us

.We love you .We love you

[groaning ]

!doorbell rings]Hooray, the idiot's here ]

.I mean, I'll get it

.Protective helmet-- check

[meows ]

I'm supposed .to look stupid, Gary

[meows ]

?What could go wrong

.What a surprise

.Hi

,Mom, Dad, meet my neighbor .Spongebob

.Hi

.Hello there

?How do you do

.Hi

.Put her there

:[mechanical voice ] !Mama, Mama

.He means shake

!No, Spongebob, no

.Shake hands

.No, Spongebob

.Grab my dad's hand

Grab it with .only one hand

!Good boy

Now move your .arm up and down

[giggling ]

,So, Spongebob ?do you live nearby

.Hi

.No, Spongebob .Show them your house

,No, not your blouse .your house

[screaming ]

?He lives in a fruit

.That's unhealthy

[laughing ]

!Hey, Spongebob

You want to stay ?for dinner

[babbling ]

[chuckles ]

Does he always do that ?after he eats

:PATRICK .Only on Wednesday

[buzzing loudly ]

[chuckling ]

Uh, Patrick, I think your friend .might be broken

Yeah, and it would take more than some masking tape

.to fix that guy

[siren blares ]

?Whoa! Is he going to be okay

.Oh, that's nothing

You should see him in the morning

,prancing around, yelling !Harmony! Harmony! Harmony"

He drives .all the neighbors crazy

Why, just the other day ...our neighbor Squidward was

[elephant trumpets ]

[clattering ]

There's really .no help for him

I mean, look at .the way he's dressed

Only somebody with holes drilled in their head

.would wear that stuff

?And how about this shape

I mean, I've heard of barrel-chested

!but never box-chested

[all laughing ]

Hey, Spongebob, do you have ?any mascara I could borrow

[chuckles ]

?The boy wears makeup

!What a card

[laughing ]

[laughter continues ]

.Hey, Patrick

!Patrick

.Aw, he said my name

Wow, how'd you train ?him to do that

[laughter ]

.Ow! He bit me

,Patrick .meet me in the kitchen

Oh, I guess the dummy wants to have a private .conversation

[laughing ]

!A dumb one

[laughing ]

?So, what's on your mind

!No, wait

:I already know the answer .nothing

[laughing ]

,See, that's funny !'cause you're dumb

Patrick, could you let up on the insults

?just a little bit

Oh, we're those too complicated ?for you

I'll try dumbingthem down .a bit

Patrick, I get the feeling .that you think I really am dumb

:[chuckling ] That's just what I'd expect .you to say

Dumb people are always blissfully unaware

.of how dumb they really are

[moans ]

.I'm only pretending to be dumb

?It was our plan, remember

Oh, Spongebob, if only you could see

how stupid you sound right now

with your talk .of imaginary plans

Tell you what, you've caught me .in a good mood

.I'll humor you

Go on. Go out there and act .smart for everyone

.Okay, I will

;And-and don't worry .I'll keep this warm for you

[clears throat ]

.I have a confession to make

.I lied about being stupid

I just acted like a fool

so you would appreciate Patrick .a little bit more

I know how to talk and eat --and do laundry

I even separate the darks .and the lights

So what do you say we start over .and try again

Hi. My name is Spongebob Squarepants

.and I am not a dummy

[chuckling ]

Amazing. Three minutes in the kitchen

and our son has taught him .to talk in complete sentences

.Oh, good work, son

.It wasn't easy, Dad

:[stuttering ] ...B-but-but

It looks like it's time .for your next lesson, young man

!Now listen to me !I'm not dumb

.I have a brain .See, here's a picture of it

.That must be actual size

[laughter ]

No! It's normal size .and fully functional

.Watch

.Two plus two equals four

,Oh, son, you taught him math .too

!No

.Andyou taught him to sing

[babbling ]

Oh, now he's .short-circuiting

You must've taught him .a little too much

[laughing ]

[laughter continues ]

[laughter continuing ]

[screaming ]

You know, son

I've always known that when it comes to brightness

.well, you're about a three-watt

But this guy... he's a wet match .in a dark cave

He makes .phone operators seem smart

[clears throat ] But more importantly, son

,he's shown me what a sharp .quick-witted boy you've become

I-I feel like I'm really meeting you .for the first time

?Isn't that right, Janet

.You bet, Marty

?Janet

!?Marty

!?Who are you people

.Marty, I'm scared

[doorbell rings ]

.Excuse me

Does this lovely ?couple belong to you

They've been standing outside my house saying

.Where's Patrick?" all day"

!It's driving me nuts

!Mom! Dad

Wow, son, you actually .recognized us this time

And you remembered .to get dressed today

[all laughing ]

,Oh, that's right, honey .we don't have a son

.Oh, yeah

[laughter continuing ]

Captioning sponsored by THE] U.S. DEPARTMENT OF EDUCATION

and NICKELODEON

Captioned by The Caption Center [WGBH Educational Foundation