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"In 1979, on a school skiing trip,
PE teacher Tony Mammoth
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"was engulfed by an avalanche.
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"Perfectly preserved under the snow,
he was found
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"and miraculously brought by back
to life over 40 years later."
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MINDER THEME TUNE PLAYS
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Incredible.
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Right, lunch.
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Then another three hours of Minder.
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# If you want to,
I'll change the situation... #
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HE CHUCKLES
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I thought it raised some, um,
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very interesting issues about, like,
modern culture and that.
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You were asleep the whole film.
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It was three hours long, Theo.
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I can't be expected to hold...
Oh, my God!
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Oh, my God! Oh! What's going on?!
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It's out.
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We isolated it to the kitchen.
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Oh... Nice one, boys.
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My lovely house! Did you do this?
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I'm perfectly safe,
thank you for asking.
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Because if you did,
Mammoth, I swear to God...
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Mum, I don't think it was Grandad!
What?! I mean, what, darling?
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I lit a scented candle this morning.
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And I just don't know
if I put it out.
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Oh, Theo... That's so careless.
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You could've killed us all.
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Mystery solved, boys!
The kid did it.
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Just hope to God he's
learned his lesson!
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I'm sorry for jumping
to conclusions.
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I got thick skin, Mel.
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In a way, I blame myself, you know?
You grew up without a dad,
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never learnt how to become
a proper parent.
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I'm a very good parent, thank you.
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But I'm back now,
and that's the most important thing.
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Me and you, we can turn this around.
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Oh, my baby...
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Can I have a go on the big hose,
boys? Yeah. Yeah.
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Oh, er, excuse me.
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It's heavy, isn't it?
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You can
stay here as long as you like.
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My house is your house.
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Yay!
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I've always wanted my house
to be like a 1970s shag-pad.
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Well, what do you think?
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Yeah,
do I have to sleep on a water bed?
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It's just very bouncy.
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It is very bouncy, Theo,
it does half the work for you,
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if you know what I mean.
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You see the calendar?
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Yeah, it made me
a bit uncomfortable, Grandad.
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What?! Why? It's just art.
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All right, July's a
little bit spicy.
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Just get rid of it, Theo.
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Right, best get going.
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You look bloody gorgeous, Mel.
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Aw, thank you.
Where you going, Tupperware party?
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No.
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Just... Just out with a friend.
Oh, a friend, eh?
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A couple of pretty girls on the
town, footloose and fancy free.
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Right. Have fun, boys!
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Don't look at or touch
anything at Grandad's house.
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I can hear you. Yeah.
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Oi...
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No.
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Mm, fair enough.
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Hmm...
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Well, they're both brilliant.
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Matthew! Wow, you look really good,
Mel, really great outfit.
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It's a weird way of saying it,
but thank you.
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I love your...shirt.
Oh, thanks, it's from Fat Face.
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Ooh! So where are we going?
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I was thinking maybe some tapas...
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Tapas! Wow!
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Oh, that sounds excellent, Mel,
really excellent.
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These are for you. Oh...
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Shall we go, then?
Um, time for tapas.
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Oh...
Oh...
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You look with your eyes, sunshine!
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What are you doing? Get off him!
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What exactly are your intentions
with my daughter?
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We're going on a date.
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Make an effort, please.
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I don't like him, Mel.
I couldn't care less.
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Hi. Matthew, nice to meet you.
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Fine.
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Matthew, Tony Mammoth.
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I might've been a bit
out of order there.
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You did have your wandering
hands all over my daughter.
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I'm so sorry.
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Come inside for a drink
before you go?
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Ah, that's such a nice offer.
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I'm driving, Tony,
have you got any alcohol-free beer?
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No.
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Do you want some milk?
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I love the house, Tony.
So retro.
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Matthew's actually
a bit of a '70s head.
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Oh, really?
That was the best decade, wasn't it?
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The music, the films. Not the
tacky, fancy dress stuff - you know,
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the curly wigs and all that -
but the proper '70s, you know,
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Gerry Rafferty, Dirty Harry...
Now you're talking!
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Theo, go
and get Matthew another milk.
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I'll come with you just in case.
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I'm not going to burn down
every kitchen I go into.
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SIREN ON TV
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Oh, The Professionals.
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Is this the one where Keith Barron
plays a terrorist?
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Who's a biochemist.
Whose name is... Name is...
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BOTH: Nesbitt.
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Theo, what did I say to you?
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Didn't I say this is the one where
Keith Barron is a terrorist
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who's also a biochemist,
whose name is Nesbitt?
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You did, and I still don't know
who Keith Barron is.
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As much as I'd like to stand here
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and talk about Keith Barron again,
shall we make a move?
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No, no, no, me and Matthew are just
getting started.
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Yes, well, me and Matthew are going
for tapas, so bye.
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It's been so nice to meet you, Tony.
Listen, have a great night.
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Make sure you come back here
later for a proper drink.
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Right, we're going.
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I'll see you soon, Matt!
See you, Tony.
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No, take those with you.
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Right. Yeah, take them with you.
OK.
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Cheers. Thanks.
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Agh!
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Stop rolling around like a Spaniard
and kick him back!
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Mr Mammoth! Skipper,
if it's about the loser bib again,
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I am not getting rid of it. It's a
tremendous motivator for the boys.
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I'm open.
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No, I just heard from Miss Mansford.
There's been a family emergency
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and she's not going to
be in for a few days.
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I need you to cover for her.
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As head of PE?
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Well, it's more just covering
her lessons and...
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As Head of PE.
So like an audition.
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Prove I can do the job
and then it's all mine.
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No, definitely not.
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Gotcha. Makes a lot more sense,
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having Mr Mammoth as
head of department.
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I mean, at the moment you've got
a lion taking orders from a gazelle.
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A capable gazelle, possibly,
but a gazelle nonetheless.
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And a lion would not take orders
from a gazelle.
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You couldn't expect it to.
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A big tiger, maybe,
possibly a bear...
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00:06:47,840 --> 00:06:49,920
..but I don't really know what
a bear would be doing in the middle
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of the African savannah,
unless someone had opened a zoo...
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OK, OK, but it really is just for
the week.
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Nobody's expecting you to...
To dot the Is, cross the Ts.
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Yes, well I think I'd better go home
150
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and change into something a little
more befitting a head of department.
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Thank you, Skipper.
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WHISTLE BLOWS
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New referee, lads!
Tag the loser till I get back.
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Get him, boys! Get him!
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Sorry. My fault, Theo, after you.
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Oh, look who it is!
157
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Why is everyone being so weird?
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Everyone's afraid of you now.
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They think you're dangerous.
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They think you
burnt down your own house.
161
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It's been going round
the whole school.
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I don't want everyone
thinking I'm crazy.
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You're Theo, yeah? I'm Amber.
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Er, yeah, I know.
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I... I...
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..watched you in maths.
167
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Not "watched you" watched you.
I sit behind you.
168
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If anything, I've actually been
looking the other way, so...
169
00:08:01,840 --> 00:08:05,000
Did you really set fire
to your own house,
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because you felt that no-one
understood you?
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What? Well, of course I...
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I...
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I did, yeah, I did.
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I...
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Oh...
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I just want to
watch the world burn.
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Mm?
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You're the man, Theo!
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Now, I think
the only place to start
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is with the recent safeguarding
issues.
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First things first please,
Mr Cowley.
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As you all know,
I am Tony Mammoth, Head of PE.
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Well, no, that's not, er...
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And as Head of PE, things are going
to change, starting with funding.
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PE has been woefully underfunded for
years, but no longer.
186
00:09:01,600 --> 00:09:04,520
Under my watch,
I'll personally be overseeing
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00:09:04,520 --> 00:09:08,520
construction of a PE
relaxation area...
188
00:09:12,320 --> 00:09:17,840
..a PE solarium
and a PE rollerball arena...
189
00:09:17,840 --> 00:09:19,840
How are we going to fund all
of this?
190
00:09:19,840 --> 00:09:23,520
I've taken the liberty of compiling
a list of measures which are,
191
00:09:23,520 --> 00:09:26,480
sadly, absolutely necessary.
192
00:09:26,480 --> 00:09:30,360
Chemistry, biology and physics,
hands up, please.
193
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That is one subject - science -
not three.
194
00:09:32,840 --> 00:09:35,200
There'll be lay-offs
and job shares.
195
00:09:36,280 --> 00:09:38,680
German and French, hands up, please.
196
00:09:38,680 --> 00:09:42,080
Interesting. You understood English,
as do we all,
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you'll be reassigned to the PE
department or offered redundancy.
198
00:09:45,640 --> 00:09:48,320
Well, thank you, Mr Mammoth.
199
00:09:50,240 --> 00:09:51,840
Plenty to think about there.
200
00:09:51,840 --> 00:09:54,480
Now, getting back to the
safeguarding issues...
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TONY YAWNS
202
00:09:54,480 --> 00:09:56,560
Would anybody like to...
203
00:09:56,560 --> 00:09:59,560
Obviously, we all feel that with
the current safeguarding issues...
204
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Do I have to listen to this?
205
00:10:01,400 --> 00:10:02,520
Yes.
206
00:10:02,520 --> 00:10:03,840
Fair enough. Carry on.
207
00:10:03,840 --> 00:10:05,560
..we could take further action to...
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00:10:05,560 --> 00:10:08,840
Oh, I've just remembered,
I've got to go and give blood.
209
00:10:08,840 --> 00:10:09,880
Yeah.
210
00:10:11,440 --> 00:10:14,040
Just want to make some notes for me,
I'll read those later,
211
00:10:14,040 --> 00:10:15,160
look forward to that.
212
00:10:16,560 --> 00:10:17,600
Bye, everyone.
213
00:10:19,960 --> 00:10:22,080
SCHOOL BELL RINGS
214
00:10:22,080 --> 00:10:25,000
My parents are away this weekend,
if you want to hang out.
215
00:10:25,000 --> 00:10:26,920
Unless you've got plans.
216
00:10:26,920 --> 00:10:29,120
I... I never make plans.
217
00:10:29,120 --> 00:10:33,800
You know, what's the point?
It all just goes to shit.
218
00:10:33,800 --> 00:10:38,760
This weekend... Yeah. Yeah, cool.
219
00:10:38,760 --> 00:10:40,120
I'll DM you.
220
00:10:43,760 --> 00:10:45,480
Well, well, well...
221
00:10:45,480 --> 00:10:48,080
There's some Mammoth
genes in you after all. Good lad.
222
00:10:48,080 --> 00:10:52,560
Grandad, is it OK to pretend
to be someone you're not
223
00:10:52,560 --> 00:10:54,160
just to keep a girl interested?
224
00:10:54,160 --> 00:10:55,680
Of course it is.
225
00:10:55,680 --> 00:10:58,520
Well, it's just that Amber
only likes me
226
00:10:58,520 --> 00:11:00,680
because she thinks I'm a bad boy.
The whole school does.
227
00:11:00,680 --> 00:11:02,160
Should I own up?
228
00:11:02,160 --> 00:11:04,200
Theo...
229
00:11:04,200 --> 00:11:05,840
..don't be such a fanny.
230
00:11:05,840 --> 00:11:08,160
You've got a reputation
now, and that's good.
231
00:11:08,160 --> 00:11:10,720
That's why I spread those
rumours in the first place.
232
00:11:10,720 --> 00:11:13,280
Women love a bad boy.
233
00:11:13,280 --> 00:11:14,360
See you later.
234
00:11:16,880 --> 00:11:17,920
Wow!
235
00:11:20,160 --> 00:11:21,480
Hey, Matthew!
236
00:11:21,480 --> 00:11:24,960
Oh, wow, Mel!
Another brilliant outfit!
237
00:11:26,160 --> 00:11:27,440
Yeah, thanks.
238
00:11:27,440 --> 00:11:29,320
Didn't expect to see you here.
239
00:11:29,320 --> 00:11:30,720
I invited him over.
240
00:11:30,720 --> 00:11:34,320
Oh, great, without telling me first?
241
00:11:34,320 --> 00:11:36,000
We're having a Gene Hackman night.
242
00:11:36,000 --> 00:11:38,000
We just watched
The French Connection.
243
00:11:38,000 --> 00:11:40,880
Took me back to Marseille.
The times I had there...
244
00:11:40,880 --> 00:11:45,160
Oh... What times have you had in
Marseille? Booze cruise with Roger?
245
00:11:45,160 --> 00:11:47,360
No, on a rugby trip to Spain.
246
00:11:47,360 --> 00:11:49,200
Marseille's not in Spain.
247
00:11:49,200 --> 00:11:50,760
Driver was pissed.
248
00:11:50,760 --> 00:11:52,000
Different times.
249
00:11:52,000 --> 00:11:53,600
Another spellbinding anecdote.
250
00:11:53,600 --> 00:11:55,640
You're not going to keep talking,
are you?
251
00:11:55,640 --> 00:11:56,840
I'm sorry.
252
00:11:56,840 --> 00:11:58,680
Would you rather I left so you and
Matthew
253
00:11:58,680 --> 00:12:00,040
can watch your film in peace?
254
00:12:00,040 --> 00:12:01,560
If you wouldn't mind, thanks.
255
00:12:02,880 --> 00:12:05,320
Well, I'm going for a shower,
but I'm going because I want to,
256
00:12:05,320 --> 00:12:06,960
not cos you told me.
257
00:12:06,960 --> 00:12:09,520
Have a great shower, Mel!
Thanks...
258
00:12:09,520 --> 00:12:11,080
She's solid gold, that girl.
259
00:12:13,200 --> 00:12:14,440
You make sure you treat her right.
260
00:12:14,440 --> 00:12:16,400
Oh, absolutely, Tony.
Don't get me wrong,
261
00:12:16,400 --> 00:12:19,800
you're a bloke - and a good looking
bloke with a fabulous moustache.
262
00:12:19,800 --> 00:12:21,760
Probably fighting
the girls off with a shitty stick,
263
00:12:21,760 --> 00:12:25,720
used to playing the field. But not
any more, not with my daughter.
264
00:12:25,720 --> 00:12:30,320
No, I've never been into playing
the field, I respect women too much.
265
00:12:30,320 --> 00:12:33,920
It's OK, she can't hear you. I know
some blokes jump from bed to bed,
266
00:12:33,920 --> 00:12:36,760
but honestly, I couldn't
look at myself in the mirror.
267
00:12:38,720 --> 00:12:40,120
Bloody hell, you're good.
268
00:12:40,120 --> 00:12:42,880
I would not want to play you
in poker. Oh...
269
00:12:42,880 --> 00:12:45,520
Any plans for tomorrow? I was just
going to see Mel for lunch.
270
00:12:45,520 --> 00:12:48,400
Sack it off, I got two free lessons.
271
00:12:48,400 --> 00:12:50,000
I'm supposed to be covering
geography,
272
00:12:50,000 --> 00:12:51,680
but I don't even like geography.
273
00:12:51,680 --> 00:12:54,200
Me and you, Man's Day,
couple of pints, game of snooker?
274
00:12:54,200 --> 00:12:56,200
I'm dreadful at snooker, Tony.
Well, darts, then.
275
00:12:56,200 --> 00:12:58,600
I'm not much better at the old
arrows either, to be honest.
276
00:12:58,600 --> 00:13:02,120
Well, what else is there
for a couple of stallions to do?
277
00:13:14,800 --> 00:13:18,680
# Ever and ever, forever and ever
278
00:13:18,680 --> 00:13:22,120
# You'll be the one
279
00:13:22,120 --> 00:13:26,360
# That shines on me
280
00:13:26,360 --> 00:13:31,480
# Like the morning sun
281
00:13:31,480 --> 00:13:37,240
# Take me far beyond imagination
282
00:13:39,160 --> 00:13:42,400
# You're my dream come true
283
00:13:42,400 --> 00:13:46,680
# My consolation
284
00:13:48,040 --> 00:13:51,760
# Ever and ever, forever and ever
285
00:13:51,760 --> 00:13:54,520
# You'll be the one
286
00:13:54,520 --> 00:13:58,760
# That shines in me
287
00:13:58,760 --> 00:14:02,960
# Like the morning sun
288
00:14:02,960 --> 00:14:07,440
# Ever and ever, forever and ever
289
00:14:07,440 --> 00:14:11,200
# My destiny
290
00:14:11,200 --> 00:14:16,600
# Will follow you eternally... #
291
00:14:23,880 --> 00:14:25,920
And then me
and Matthew just hung out,
292
00:14:25,920 --> 00:14:27,440
you know, talked about stuff.
293
00:14:27,440 --> 00:14:29,520
Is that why
he cancelled our lunch yesterday?
294
00:14:29,520 --> 00:14:31,240
To be fair to him,
I told him you'd cancelled it.
295
00:14:31,240 --> 00:14:32,840
Why would you even do that?
296
00:14:32,840 --> 00:14:36,240
As I was saying, I think
one of the care home staff might be
297
00:14:36,240 --> 00:14:37,920
stealing from me,
but I can't put my...
298
00:14:37,920 --> 00:14:39,880
Matthew is brilliant. And no
offence, Rog,
299
00:14:39,880 --> 00:14:41,520
it's so nice to have a friend who
can
300
00:14:41,520 --> 00:14:43,720
actually do stuff
because they're not old.
301
00:14:43,720 --> 00:14:46,000
Yes, why bother seeing me at all?
302
00:14:46,000 --> 00:14:47,160
I don't know, really.
303
00:14:47,160 --> 00:14:49,360
Sense of loyalty, I suppose.
Duty even.
304
00:14:49,360 --> 00:14:52,320
Another great thing about Matthew,
he loves the '70s,
305
00:14:52,320 --> 00:14:54,480
he's going to make
a fantastic son-in-law.
306
00:14:54,480 --> 00:14:57,200
See you later.
Er, Theo?! Make up?
307
00:14:58,560 --> 00:14:59,600
Oh, I love it!
308
00:15:00,600 --> 00:15:04,240
Now, you can be whoever you want
to be and I will always be proud.
309
00:15:06,120 --> 00:15:07,560
I'm an ally.
310
00:15:07,560 --> 00:15:09,480
Yeah, Mum, it's not what you think.
311
00:15:09,480 --> 00:15:11,400
It's for a girl
he fancies in school.
312
00:15:11,400 --> 00:15:12,840
What?
313
00:15:12,840 --> 00:15:14,000
Worked for Marc Bolan.
314
00:15:15,280 --> 00:15:17,720
Oh, now, when you see Matthew later,
send him my love.
315
00:15:17,720 --> 00:15:19,400
Actually, tell him I said hi.
316
00:15:19,400 --> 00:15:22,240
Tell him...
Tell him, "Mammoth says hello."
317
00:15:22,240 --> 00:15:24,400
Actually, I'm thinking of breaking
up with him.
318
00:15:24,400 --> 00:15:26,720
What?! Are you out of your mind?
319
00:15:26,720 --> 00:15:29,160
You'll never do better than Matthew,
Mel, he's the total package.
320
00:15:29,160 --> 00:15:30,760
I'm just not feeling it.
321
00:15:30,760 --> 00:15:33,520
You can't finish with Matthew,
he's my best friend!
322
00:15:33,520 --> 00:15:35,000
Thank you very much.
323
00:15:36,520 --> 00:15:38,280
Mel...
324
00:15:39,720 --> 00:15:41,120
..Matthew's in love with you.
325
00:15:42,560 --> 00:15:45,480
He's not in love with me,
we've only been on a few dates.
326
00:15:45,480 --> 00:15:46,920
He said he's got it real bad.
327
00:15:48,160 --> 00:15:51,000
He said, and he'll kill me
for this...
328
00:15:51,000 --> 00:15:54,080
He said he can't imagine his world
without you in it.
329
00:15:54,080 --> 00:15:58,240
Really? Oh, I've not been getting
that vibe at all.
330
00:15:58,240 --> 00:16:00,560
He's putting up a wall, Mel.
331
00:16:00,560 --> 00:16:02,080
He's done it ever since his...
332
00:16:03,960 --> 00:16:05,520
..wife died.
333
00:16:05,520 --> 00:16:07,720
His wife? Dead.
334
00:16:07,720 --> 00:16:09,480
Oh, that's so sad.
335
00:16:09,480 --> 00:16:11,320
I mean, why didn't he tell me?
336
00:16:11,320 --> 00:16:13,200
I didn't even know
he'd been married.
337
00:16:13,200 --> 00:16:16,800
He didn't want to upset you,
go through all that hurt again.
338
00:16:16,800 --> 00:16:18,440
Why don't you get him
over tonight for a meal?
339
00:16:18,440 --> 00:16:21,640
Oh, no.
For God's sake, Mel, have a heart.
340
00:16:23,320 --> 00:16:25,200
All right, I suppose so.
341
00:16:25,200 --> 00:16:26,600
Thank you.
342
00:16:26,600 --> 00:16:28,080
Don't mention the dead wife.
343
00:16:29,880 --> 00:16:32,200
Well, now you're finally ready,
can you drive me
344
00:16:32,200 --> 00:16:34,080
to this hospital appointment?
345
00:16:35,240 --> 00:16:37,360
Oh, I can't now, Rog.
346
00:16:37,360 --> 00:16:40,680
Tell you what,
let me pay for your taxi.
347
00:16:40,680 --> 00:16:44,160
Actually, thinking about it, you get
a free bus pass nowadays, don't you?
348
00:16:44,160 --> 00:16:46,200
You lucky sod.
349
00:16:46,200 --> 00:16:47,240
I'll see you later.
350
00:16:49,560 --> 00:16:51,120
Marvellous...
351
00:16:51,120 --> 00:16:54,280
Mel wants me to come
over for dinner, but I don't know.
352
00:16:54,280 --> 00:16:57,080
To be honest, I'm
thinking about calling things off.
353
00:16:57,080 --> 00:16:59,400
I mean, talking to you
about the places you've been,
354
00:16:59,400 --> 00:17:01,480
it's inspired me.
I want to see the world.
355
00:17:01,480 --> 00:17:03,240
The world's rubbish.
356
00:17:03,240 --> 00:17:05,040
I just told you about the good bits.
357
00:17:05,040 --> 00:17:06,880
Everything you need is right here.
358
00:17:08,160 --> 00:17:09,480
What about Mel?
359
00:17:09,480 --> 00:17:11,000
I think she just sees me
as a friend.
360
00:17:11,000 --> 00:17:13,360
You couldn't be more wrong.
361
00:17:13,360 --> 00:17:14,600
She'll kill me for this.
362
00:17:16,040 --> 00:17:19,160
She told me...she loves you.
363
00:17:19,160 --> 00:17:21,680
She loves me? Mm.
364
00:17:21,680 --> 00:17:23,640
Well, that's even more reason
to call it off.
365
00:17:23,640 --> 00:17:25,240
It's not right to be with a woman
366
00:17:25,240 --> 00:17:27,000
if you're not emotionally
on the same wavelength.
367
00:17:27,000 --> 00:17:30,280
Can you please be
serious for one second?
368
00:17:30,280 --> 00:17:33,480
Just give dinner tonight a chance,
will you? For Mel.
369
00:17:33,480 --> 00:17:34,800
For little Theo.
370
00:17:35,840 --> 00:17:37,720
You know he sees
you as a father figure.
371
00:17:37,720 --> 00:17:39,840
Really? Yeah.
372
00:17:39,840 --> 00:17:41,600
He'll kill me for this.
373
00:17:41,600 --> 00:17:42,920
He told me you're his rock.
374
00:17:42,920 --> 00:17:46,040
I don't think we've even spoken.
It's an unspoken bond.
375
00:17:46,040 --> 00:17:49,880
He said if you went away he doesn't
know what he'd do, he said he...
376
00:17:49,880 --> 00:17:52,400
He'd probably burn down another
house... Oh... ..or something.
377
00:17:52,400 --> 00:17:54,160
But if you're happy with
that on your conscience, then...
378
00:17:54,160 --> 00:17:56,680
Oh, I really don't want that.
I'll give dinner a go.
379
00:17:56,680 --> 00:17:59,400
Shall I get this?
No, no, you put your money away.
380
00:17:59,400 --> 00:18:00,440
You're a good man.
381
00:18:03,280 --> 00:18:05,280
Thanks, Mammoth.
382
00:18:05,280 --> 00:18:07,080
Nice bag.
383
00:18:07,080 --> 00:18:10,640
Be a shame if someone,
God, I don't know, set fire to it.
384
00:18:14,760 --> 00:18:16,560
Hey. Hey.
385
00:18:16,560 --> 00:18:19,640
You all right? Miss Weaver's being,
like, such a bitch.
386
00:18:19,640 --> 00:18:21,680
She totally had a go at me just
because I told her I think
387
00:18:21,680 --> 00:18:25,120
her English lessons are pointless
and I don't respect her as a person.
388
00:18:25,120 --> 00:18:27,120
Cool.
389
00:18:27,120 --> 00:18:30,040
I mean, some English
skills are useful for everyday life.
390
00:18:31,480 --> 00:18:33,400
I mean, cool...
391
00:18:33,400 --> 00:18:35,800
I just want to totally teach
her a lesson.
392
00:18:35,800 --> 00:18:37,200
Oh, yeah, me too.
393
00:18:37,200 --> 00:18:39,520
I am raging on your behalf.
394
00:18:39,520 --> 00:18:41,040
Great.
395
00:18:41,040 --> 00:18:43,080
I knew I could
count on you to do it.
396
00:18:43,080 --> 00:18:44,240
Always.
397
00:18:45,600 --> 00:18:47,400
Sorry, to do what?
398
00:18:47,400 --> 00:18:49,240
Set fire to her car.
399
00:18:49,240 --> 00:18:51,000
We'll do it after school.
400
00:18:51,000 --> 00:18:52,160
That'll show her.
401
00:18:56,000 --> 00:18:57,680
You're awesome, Theo.
402
00:19:05,200 --> 00:19:07,200
Oh, what am I going to do?
403
00:19:07,200 --> 00:19:09,440
Grandad, I can't set fire to a car.
404
00:19:09,440 --> 00:19:11,240
You don't have to set fire
to anything,
405
00:19:11,240 --> 00:19:12,760
just make her think that you are.
406
00:19:12,760 --> 00:19:15,840
But as you're about to,
Head of PE Tony Mammoth turns up
407
00:19:15,840 --> 00:19:17,080
and puts a stop to it.
408
00:19:17,080 --> 00:19:20,480
You still look like a bad boy,
you still get the girl and...
409
00:19:21,600 --> 00:19:23,560
..you lose your virginity
this weekend.
410
00:19:23,560 --> 00:19:25,160
Pfft.
411
00:19:25,160 --> 00:19:27,160
Well, who says I'm a virgin?
412
00:19:35,440 --> 00:19:36,920
3:30, staff car park?
413
00:19:36,920 --> 00:19:38,440
Yeah. Thanks, Grandad.
414
00:19:45,440 --> 00:19:46,480
HE CLEARS HIS THROAT
415
00:19:47,920 --> 00:19:49,400
This better be good, Skipper.
416
00:19:49,400 --> 00:19:52,440
As you can see, I'm up
to my eyeballs in Head of PE work.
417
00:19:52,440 --> 00:19:55,600
Well, as you're covering
Miss Mansford, I just wondered
418
00:19:55,600 --> 00:19:58,200
if you'd filled in that teacher
performance form yet?
419
00:19:58,200 --> 00:19:59,880
Peter, please.
420
00:19:59,880 --> 00:20:01,880
I'm trying to focus
all my energies on being the best
421
00:20:01,880 --> 00:20:05,360
Head of PE I can be. You simply
cannot keep piling work on me.
422
00:20:05,360 --> 00:20:08,400
As I said, it's
more of a temporary arrangement.
423
00:20:08,400 --> 00:20:11,640
And don't forget, you're on the rota
to supervise detention today.
424
00:20:11,640 --> 00:20:13,040
I've already done it.
425
00:20:13,040 --> 00:20:15,120
Took them
out of lessons this afternoon.
426
00:20:15,120 --> 00:20:18,520
Detention isn't really a punishment
if it's during school time.
427
00:20:18,520 --> 00:20:20,680
Yeah, but detention after school
is punishing me, isn't it?
428
00:20:20,680 --> 00:20:22,680
And I haven't done anything wrong.
429
00:20:22,680 --> 00:20:25,800
Now, if there's nothing else,
I really have got a lot on.
430
00:20:30,720 --> 00:20:33,120
Great.
431
00:20:30,720 --> 00:20:33,120
SCHOOL BELL RINGS
432
00:20:34,760 --> 00:20:37,560
I can't believe you're actually
doing this for me.
433
00:20:37,560 --> 00:20:38,880
It's so cool.
434
00:20:39,880 --> 00:20:43,680
Yeah. Well, you know, staring fires,
breaking rules,
435
00:20:43,680 --> 00:20:46,320
that is just what I do, baby.
436
00:20:46,320 --> 00:20:49,240
I find it's the only way I can
really... Really feel, you know?
437
00:20:51,480 --> 00:20:52,520
Er...
438
00:20:52,520 --> 00:20:54,640
What...what...what time is it?
439
00:20:54,640 --> 00:20:57,240
And here's another for
when you get home, Tony.
440
00:20:57,240 --> 00:20:59,280
And jam roly-poly and custard.
441
00:20:59,280 --> 00:21:01,520
Oh, who loves you, baby?
Hey?
442
00:21:01,520 --> 00:21:03,120
Kojak.
443
00:21:03,120 --> 00:21:05,520
Don't tell me you've never seen
Kojak, Irene.
444
00:21:05,520 --> 00:21:08,120
No. Kojak? What's it about?
445
00:21:08,120 --> 00:21:09,440
Telly Savalas,
446
00:21:09,440 --> 00:21:12,520
playing a hard-hitting detective
on the streets of 1970s Manhattan.
447
00:21:12,520 --> 00:21:16,280
Oh. 1970s Manhattan, fancy!
448
00:21:16,280 --> 00:21:18,480
Jelly, Tony?
449
00:21:18,480 --> 00:21:19,520
Yeah, go on.
450
00:21:24,760 --> 00:21:27,640
OK, quick, before someone comes.
451
00:21:27,640 --> 00:21:30,520
Yeah. Yeah, no, of course.
452
00:21:30,520 --> 00:21:33,800
Oh... Oh, you know what might be
an even colder way of getting
453
00:21:33,800 --> 00:21:36,280
Miss Weaver back?
Like an e-petition.
454
00:21:36,280 --> 00:21:38,560
I actually think it might shit her
right up, you know?
455
00:21:38,560 --> 00:21:40,360
Come on, what are you waiting for?
456
00:21:42,240 --> 00:21:45,080
So Kojak's got the hostages out,
right, but Harvey Keitel has
457
00:21:45,080 --> 00:21:48,000
still got him, then one of his goons
says, "Killing you's gonna
458
00:21:48,000 --> 00:21:50,600
"give me great satisfaction."
Then guess what happens.
459
00:21:50,600 --> 00:21:54,400
He shoots their faces off!
Jesus Christ. No, Irene, no.
460
00:21:54,400 --> 00:21:57,560
Kojak's cool,
he just picks up Calvelli's body
461
00:21:57,560 --> 00:21:58,680
and walks out of there.
462
00:21:58,680 --> 00:22:00,720
It takes more than a gun
to scare Kojak.
463
00:22:00,720 --> 00:22:01,800
Oh...
464
00:22:01,800 --> 00:22:02,960
Oh, bollocks.
465
00:22:07,840 --> 00:22:10,560
Are you going to do it or not?
466
00:22:10,560 --> 00:22:12,160
I can't do it.
467
00:22:12,160 --> 00:22:14,600
I'm not that guy.
468
00:22:14,600 --> 00:22:17,400
The fire at the house,
it wasn't deliberate.
469
00:22:17,400 --> 00:22:21,080
I forgot to put out a candle.
A scented candle.
470
00:22:21,080 --> 00:22:22,120
This isn't me.
471
00:22:24,920 --> 00:22:26,080
But you know what?
472
00:22:31,240 --> 00:22:32,880
This is.
473
00:22:35,440 --> 00:22:37,760
So what do you say?
474
00:22:37,760 --> 00:22:39,760
Do you want to take
a chance on the real me?
475
00:22:43,520 --> 00:22:44,560
No.
476
00:22:47,400 --> 00:22:48,440
Fair enough.
477
00:22:50,320 --> 00:22:55,520
Where the hell were you? I look
like an idiot, Amber's gone...
478
00:22:55,520 --> 00:22:57,080
You were meant to stop me.
479
00:22:57,080 --> 00:23:03,200
Yes, I know it looks like I let
you down and, er...
480
00:23:03,200 --> 00:23:04,480
Ooh...
481
00:23:04,480 --> 00:23:06,360
I will kill myself for saying
this...
482
00:23:07,840 --> 00:23:11,360
I was over there the whole time,
watching you.
483
00:23:11,360 --> 00:23:14,000
I wanted you to learn
a lesson about, you know,
484
00:23:14,000 --> 00:23:15,200
being true to yourself.
485
00:23:15,200 --> 00:23:16,960
Rubbish, you were in the canteen.
486
00:23:16,960 --> 00:23:18,920
That's a hell of a thing to say
to your own grandad, Theo.
487
00:23:18,920 --> 00:23:20,120
A hell of a thing!
488
00:23:22,960 --> 00:23:26,040
Jam roly-poly and custard?
No!
489
00:23:26,040 --> 00:23:28,480
Er, actually yes.
Mr Mammoth,
490
00:23:28,480 --> 00:23:31,320
great, glad
I caught you before you went home.
491
00:23:31,320 --> 00:23:32,840
Here's the paperwork you need to do
492
00:23:32,840 --> 00:23:35,440
for tomorrow's governors meeting...
No, no, no, Skipper.
493
00:23:35,440 --> 00:23:37,800
I'm sorry to do this, I know it's
going to break your heart...
494
00:23:37,800 --> 00:23:42,040
..but I have to turn
down the position of Head of PE.
495
00:23:42,040 --> 00:23:46,200
I cannot emphasise enough,
it was never on the table.
496
00:23:46,200 --> 00:23:47,760
Yeah, well, I'm taking
it off the table.
497
00:23:47,760 --> 00:23:49,120
It's too much.
498
00:23:49,120 --> 00:23:51,760
The pressure, the hours,
the endless paperwork...
499
00:23:54,040 --> 00:23:57,360
..almost cost me the most important
thing in my life -
500
00:23:57,360 --> 00:24:00,080
my best mate, Matthew.
501
00:24:03,440 --> 00:24:05,080
I won't be needing this any more.
502
00:24:10,280 --> 00:24:11,320
Let's go, Theo.
503
00:24:13,840 --> 00:24:15,040
Great.
504
00:24:16,600 --> 00:24:18,360
That is perfectly cooked.
505
00:24:18,360 --> 00:24:21,040
Right, I'll give you 50 quid,
call Matthew Dad.
506
00:24:21,040 --> 00:24:23,360
What?! I'm not calling him
Dad, I've got a dad.
507
00:24:23,360 --> 00:24:25,480
Have you got to make
everything about you?
508
00:24:28,480 --> 00:24:29,600
Hey, hey.
509
00:24:29,600 --> 00:24:31,000
Matthew!
510
00:24:31,000 --> 00:24:32,600
You look great.
511
00:24:32,600 --> 00:24:36,480
Oh, you smell amazing, what is that?
512
00:24:36,480 --> 00:24:39,440
Nothing, I haven't put anything on.
513
00:24:40,840 --> 00:24:45,160
Oh, hi, Theo,
my favourite little guy.
514
00:24:45,160 --> 00:24:47,040
Say hello to Matthew.
515
00:24:47,040 --> 00:24:48,360
Hello.
516
00:24:48,360 --> 00:24:49,480
He's a bit shy.
517
00:24:49,480 --> 00:24:51,360
Me and Matthew have got something
really important
518
00:24:51,360 --> 00:24:52,840
we need to talk to you about.
519
00:24:52,840 --> 00:24:56,400
Before that, though, first course,
prawn cocktail.
520
00:24:56,400 --> 00:24:58,680
Main course, roast beef.
521
00:24:58,680 --> 00:25:02,440
And in the fridge for dessert,
Angel Delight, both flavours,
522
00:25:02,440 --> 00:25:03,800
blue and pink.
523
00:25:03,800 --> 00:25:06,040
Mammoth,
you might want to take a seat.
524
00:25:06,040 --> 00:25:07,720
Come on.
525
00:25:07,720 --> 00:25:09,000
Oh...
526
00:25:12,880 --> 00:25:17,120
Now, Tony, this has nothing to do
with you, you're a great guy,
527
00:25:17,120 --> 00:25:20,560
but Mel
and I have decided to break up.
528
00:25:23,320 --> 00:25:26,000
What? Why?
529
00:25:26,000 --> 00:25:28,120
Was it Theo?
530
00:25:28,120 --> 00:25:31,200
We just see each other as friends.
531
00:25:31,200 --> 00:25:33,720
Lots of couples
start off as friends.
532
00:25:33,720 --> 00:25:35,360
Just give it five or six years.
533
00:25:35,360 --> 00:25:38,520
Please, don't make this harder
than it needs to be.
534
00:25:38,520 --> 00:25:39,800
It's over, Tony.
535
00:25:42,240 --> 00:25:44,200
Fine, whatever.
536
00:25:45,440 --> 00:25:47,080
We're all adults.
537
00:25:47,080 --> 00:25:50,240
You make your own minds up,
it's nothing to do with me.
538
00:25:50,240 --> 00:25:52,680
I don't know what
I was thinking of anyway.
539
00:25:52,680 --> 00:25:55,400
What would a crackin' young
bloke like you want to spend time
540
00:25:55,400 --> 00:25:56,720
with a...
541
00:25:56,720 --> 00:25:58,720
A crazy old dreamer like me for?
542
00:26:00,680 --> 00:26:02,160
Goodnight.
543
00:26:17,600 --> 00:26:19,760
Good riddance to bad rubbish,
that's what I say.
544
00:26:19,760 --> 00:26:22,400
That Matthew, absolute time waster.
545
00:26:22,400 --> 00:26:23,640
Nothing like you, old mate.
546
00:26:23,640 --> 00:26:27,440
Oh, so I set up a hidden
camera at the care home to see
547
00:26:27,440 --> 00:26:30,080
if someone was stealing from me,
and guess what?
548
00:26:30,080 --> 00:26:32,360
Modern men like Matthew,
they're nothing like us,
549
00:26:32,360 --> 00:26:34,640
two blokes who've been through
so much together,
550
00:26:34,640 --> 00:26:37,680
two blokes who'd take a bullet
for each other, inseparable.
551
00:26:39,600 --> 00:26:42,080
I don't know what we'd do
without each other. No.
552
00:26:42,080 --> 00:26:43,760
But I'd love to find out.
553
00:26:48,800 --> 00:26:51,400
# It's a heartache
554
00:26:52,840 --> 00:26:55,200
# Nothing but a heartache
555
00:26:56,760 --> 00:26:59,400
# Hits you when it's too late
556
00:27:01,040 --> 00:27:04,920
# Hits you when you're down
557
00:27:04,920 --> 00:27:07,960
# It's a fool's game
558
00:27:09,080 --> 00:27:12,600
# Nothing but a fool's game
559
00:27:12,600 --> 00:27:15,960
# Standing in the cold rain
560
00:27:16,960 --> 00:27:20,080
# Feeling like a clown... #
64165
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