All language subtitles for Joan.of.Arcadia.S02E06.Wealth.of.Nations.1080p.CTV.WEB-DL.DD5.1.H.264-AVoW_track3_[eng]

MAN ON PA: Attention students.
If Mr. Garamond's desk

is returned within
20 minutes, no questions
will be asked.

I got an A-plus.

Cool. Do you think
I should do purple
streaks in my hair?

No, no,
you don't understand.

I got an A-plus
in economics.

I was within reach
of a B-ish.
Purple and red?

I didn't even know
you could get 105.

I'm more than perfect.

I don't really matter
right now, do I?

Oh, Adam! Hey!
Hey. Hi.

You're never
gonna believe it.

Guess what.
I got an A-plus
on my econs mid-term.

No way.
Yeah.

I shot a moose
in the cafeteria.

I'm such a genius.

Oh, and my mentor
at the design studio

wants me to help him out
on his anti-drug ad.

Me! An actual layout.
How cool are we?

I gotta run. I promised him
I'd work up a rough design
by 5:00.

Okay.
Hey, Judith.

Oh, am I here?

Do you have any idea
how insanely adorable
you guys are?

Mmm. It's noxious.
Sorry.

(CHUCKLING)
Are you kidding?

Maybe I can borrow him
sometime.

You know, when
you're not using him.

I'd leave a deposit.

(CHUCKLES)
He doesn't even have
time for me anymore.

We're like yuppies,
but without the money
or the kids

or the hypocritical
drug position.

I'm going to go hang out
by the boys' locker room
before gym.

A-plus.
Way to go, Joan.

Thanks. You didn't,
like, pull any strings
for me, did you?

It was all you. Feels
good to do a good job,
doesn't it?

Yeah. Economics
is so complicated,

but I just...
I got it, you know?

Adam Smith,
very cool dead guy.

He says economies
function best when based
on self-interest.

Kind of gives you
a moral head-butt, huh?

It's easy to establish
economic principles
on paper.

Are you saying
it was easy
to write this essay?

"In an economy run
by self-interest,

"the invisible hand of
social justice will feed
and clothe everyone."

Look, she wrote "great"
with two exclamation points
and a happy face.

What are you going to do
with all that knowledge?

The trick is
putting it into action.

It's economics.
What, do you want me to
start my own country?

Start a little closer
to home.
Maybe make sure

everyone gets a piece
of the pie!

Way to make an A
a bummer. God!

We set up the church
basement, so it looks
like a real store,

all the donated clothes
hanging up,

except, of course,
everything's free.

Charity compromises
free market capitalism.

Wealth of Nations,
chapters two through four.

How come I'm sensing
this is gonna lead back
to your A?

Plus.

Well, if the free
market works,

how come there are
still families living
on the street?

And how come the Bakers
get to sue us?

Maybe it's in
wealthy people's
best interest

to clean out
their closets.

Oh, my God, of course.

That way they have to
buy more things and
contribute to the economy,

and people
who don't have clothes
get a job,

and then they can
afford to buy clothes
for themselves.

Everybody gets
a piece of the pie.

I'm in. I'll help
with the drive.

Seriously?

Yes. Mom, it would be
pretty silly of me

to have all this knowledge
and not use it
for the benefit of society.

What?

♪ What if God was one of us?

♪ Just a slob like one of us

♪ Just a stranger on the bus

♪ Trying to make his way home

♪ Just trying
to make his way home

♪ Just trying
to make his way home

♪ Just trying
to make his way home ♪

(LILLY GRUNTING)

Is that a sailor?

Oh. Hot, huh?

He, uh, waves
when I flex.

Mom, if a nun
can get one...

Ex-nun. Very ex.
Sort.

Look, people have been
doing body art
for 4,000 years.

It's very spiritual.

Oh, like how
you're helping.

Thank you very much.

Oh! A belly ring.

Sort.

So, uh, what are you in for?

She just wanted
to volunteer.

(LAUGHING) This isn't
the community service part
of some sentence?

I have skills
in economic theory.

I just finished
Wealth of Nations.

You know
Adam Smith, right?
The sixth Beatle?

No. Eighteenth century
money stud.

He, like, totally blew away
Benjamin Franklin
with this...

Okay, okay. That reminds me
why I hated school.

Mom, is this all
you've got?

It's a small church.
We can only do so much.

You know, expansion
increases returns.

Why don't I open up
a branch at school?

Do you think you'd
really have time
for that?

Yeah, yeah,
I'm-I'm thinking a bin
in the hallway,

you know,
one in the cafeteria.

Ooh, two by the gym.
The cheerleaders never
wear anything twice.

I'm gonna go talk
to Chadwick.

Sure.

Has she ever been
drug tested?

Beth. Hey.

Kevin. Uh, Pete,
Kevin Girardi.

We went to
high school together.

He writes
for the Herald.

My client was nowhere near
the scene of the crime.

Knock off a bank?

It's so embarrassing.

Open container violation.

I walked out of a party
with a beer.

That's not
on the record, is it?

I don't know.
It's a pretty
splashy headline.

"College student
drinks beer."

Yeah, it could be
my Pulitzer.

(PAGER BEEPING)

Uh, bail hearing.

So, tonight. 9:00.
Yes.

Be there or
I'll double my fees.

(LAUGHS)

He does stand-up
at the Laugh Riot.

I told him
I'd check out his act.

Remember the prom
when I made you
laugh so hard,

Coke poured out of
your nose like you
were a soda fountain?

(LAUGHING)
Yes. You ruined my dress.

You said no one
ever made you laugh
like me.

(SIGHS)

I-I'm late for poli-sci,

but it was good
to see you again.

Say hi to your folks.

KEVIN: Sure.

Oh, and, uh, watch out
for the long arm
of the lawyer.

See you later.

Carlisle said
you wanted to see me.

Yeah, come on in.

Sorry I was late.

I had a personal thing.

I should have run it
by you before...

Relax, Will.
That's an order.

I know all about
Kevin's lawsuit.

Excuse me?

It's my business to know
about my people,

if it could affect
job performance.

I, uh, had a meeting
with our attorney.

Next time
I'll tell you first.
I'm sorry.

Hey, that's not
what I meant. I...

Look, if there's anything
I can do to help...

I can handle it
by myself, thanks.

Will, I went through
a nasty divorce.

I know how important
it is to have support
at work.

You still
wear your ring.

Oh.

(CHUCKLES)
To fend off the guys
at the supermarket.

Have you ever been
in the frozen food
section at night?

They should
serve martinis.

Thanks
for your concern.

No problem.

You-You know, it's stupid.

We-We could have sued
the kid who caused
the accident,

protected ourselves
from all this.

Self defense.

My wife didn't want
to punish him,

thought knowing
what he'd done to Kevin
was enough.

Well, she sounds like
an amazing woman.

She is.

Maybe we could all
get together sometime.

(PEOPLE CHATTERING)

Dude, it's like
a pet cemetery
in here.

Lischak
gave me the key.

Science Student of the Year
does have its privileges.

This is so the beginning
of a Stephen King novel.

(LAUGHS) Where were you
last night?

I IMed you, like,
a thousand times.

Oh, my mom
was in rare form.

Doing her
Judy Garland act.

Lots of singing,
lots of falling down,

me putting her
in the shower.

Where was your dad?

He works late
so he doesn't have
to deal.

It's their little
unspoken bargain.

As long as
she's sober at temple,
runs her meetings,

and has
everybody snowed...

Don't look all simpy.
I'm used to it.

Maybe you should
talk to somebody.

Why? I'm almost
out of there.

It's two more years.

That's-That's 15%
of your life so far.

The test is on Thursday.
Let's cram.

Dark matter, black holes.
Lay it on me.

Their gravity
is so strong

that they pull in
anything that gets
close to them...

You know, you don't
have to be embarrassed
to talk to me about this.

How's that for
gravitational pull?

Can you believe
somebody actually
bought these pants,

(LAUGHS)
like, on purpose?

Soft,
the fair Judith.

Halfway through
the fourth act,
and it's all for you.

Come on. Look me
in the eye and tell me
you're not impressed.

You have
really pretty eyes.

Don't be sincere.

In the words of
the immortal bard,

(IMITATING ARNOLD
SCHWARZENEGGER)
I'll be back.

Wow.

Persistent.
I'll give him that.

Mmm-hmm.
Like a cold sore.

This isn't bad
for day one, huh?

Holy crap.
Look at this.

Someone gave away
an Italian leather coat.

Feel it.
Wow.

Some homeless person's
gonna get this?

Man, I know
a vintage store

that would pay
major dinero for it.

We sell the coat and
use the money to buy, like,
five more for the homeless.

I'm so going to wind up
like a millionaire one day.

(LAUGHING) Good plan.

Ooh!

♪ I've got the brains
You've got the looks

♪ Let's make lots of money

♪ You've got the brawn...

You know,
Rudi's touchy.
So let me do the talking.

Where do you meet
these people?

Community service.
Driving school.
Group.

I lose track.

Judith, dear.
How was
Camp Bad Girl?

Crazy Camp, this time.

This is Joan.
We brought treats.

I trust they're not hot.

That was a fluke, man.

These were her aunt's.
She died last week.

I lost an uncle
last week.

I'll take good care
of you, okay?

Wow.

Your aunt had good taste.

Silk lining.

How's 30 bucks sound?

Thirty bucks?
For my aunt's coat?

I have to make
a living, too, dear.

(GROANS)

Hundred for everything.

She used to read to me
in this coat.

I won't take
less than 150.

♪ If you know when
to take them, you know

♪ There's a lot
of opportunities...

Well, in honor of
your aunt's memory.

♪ I've got the brains
You've got the looks

♪ Let's make lots of money ♪

This is so
out of the textbook.

We bought five coats
from the army-navy,

increasing the volume
of people
who got clothing.

And we wind up with
36 bucks left over.

I'm loving
the economy.

(EXCLAIMS) Ow!

I told you
not to move.

Oh, my gosh.

I mean, the money's
the incentive

that keeps us
going, right?

I mean, the people
who run big charities
get paid.

So, how does it look?

So good.

(JOAN GASPS)

My mom would kill me.

So? Who's helped
more homeless people,
you or her?

No way.

You deserve this.

♪ Armageddon surfer girl
rock all night

I didn't realize
it was gonna
itch this much.

(EXCLAIMS)

Belly shirts.

Gotta show off
the pain.

Let me surprise you.

(PEOPLE CHATTERING)

Ooh.

So you've really become
quite an entrepreneur, Joan.

Five coats for one.

That's four more
homeless people
that will be warm now.

Very impressive.

Yeah, what I did...

It makes me feel powerful.

Hmm.

Money can do that
to people.

Oh! These are sweet.

Don't put your fingers
on the lenses.

Ninety-five dollars?
Who has that kind of money
for sunglasses?

To some people,
that's not much at all.

More.

You want me
to do more, right?

If there's no growth,
then the economy
goes into decline.

Decline means
more cold people.

I'm so all over this.

Hey, what's your mark-up
on these puppies anyway?

♪ Won't you rock with me

♪ Won't you rock
with me tonight ♪

(ALL LAUGHING)

PETE: So I finally learn
after all these years

that a good lawyer
knows the law,

but a great lawyer
knows the judge.

How about
last night, huh?

It was so cold
last night,

I saw a lawyer
with his hands
in his own pockets.

Kevin? What
are you doing here?

I was voted
class clown.

I gotta keep my chops up
for the reunion.

(SIGHING)

...Or
proven broke.

This isn't funny.

The audience likes it.

Thank you, guys.
You've been great.

I will be
sending you a bill.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

Are you jealous
or something?

Because we haven't
gone out in,
like, two years.

And you dumped me,
remember?

I know.

You wanna get
some coffee?

Or dinner?

Or an apology?

Um, I'm kind of busy
at the moment.

So this is a date.

So, did I totally
suck or what?

No, man.
You were hilarious.

Thanks.
Kevin, right?
From, uh...

From the Herald.

Relax. I'm not
writing a review.

I'm just checking out
the competition.

You're a stand-up, too?

Well, I'm more of
a sit-down.

Well, uh, we were
just gonna grab
something to eat.

Why don't you join us?
We could compare notes.

Uh, no thanks.

Just have fun.

Okay.

I felt like
seeing my wife.

That's not a crime.
I know these things.

Hmm. Last time
you brought me
lunch at work,

I spent a month
packing dishes.

We're not moving,
I promise.

Then what?

You're going to be
working vice,

and you're afraid
you might meet someone?

I want us to counter-sue
the Bakers.

And you thought
an egg salad sandwich
would change my mind?

Look, Helen,

I know you're
a better person
than me.

And I know you have
all this faith
in the goodness of people,

but do you really think
the Bakers

are suddenly going
to realize how selfish
they are?

Or the judge is going to
see the light
and throw the case out...

Hey, don't patronize me,

and don't use my faith
to treat me
like an idiot.

You think
I don't know how greedy
these people are?

We're gonna have to
dig into the kids'
college money.

We may have to put
the house on the market.

I just hoped
we wouldn't have to
become like them.

Jane.

Hey! I called you
at your studio,
like, six times,

but the voice mail
kept picking up.

Oh, I called you back,

but your mom said
you were sorting donations.

Are we ever gonna get
to see each other?

Now works for me.
You wanna go roll
around in the clothes?

Oh, no. Michael needs
this layout,
like, an hour ago.

So I gotta go
to the computer lab

and use
the graphics program.

Will you keep me
company?

Sure. Oh!

Wait. I can't.

Chadwick wants
everything sorted
and out of here,

or he's gonna call
the whole thing off.

All right. As soon as
I finish this project.

Okay.
And-And the clothing drive
won't last forever.

Call me tonight? Okay.
Okay.

How did he like
the belly ring?

Oh! I forgot
to show him.

He's actually
running off

to spend, like, forever
in the computer lab.

You two are gonna have
to make an appointment
to see each other.

That's what my parents do.
11:00 to 11:04.

Conversation and sex.
Ha!

What if Adam had
Freidman's laptop?

$425? Forget it.

I already found
a Bowie t-shirt
from his first tour in here.

You know what
Rudi would pay
for that?

And we have lots
of other bags.

All we have
to do is...

Uh, what is it?
Um...

Expand and conquer.

Of course.
Move beyond the school.

Put bins
in a few stores...
The bookstore.

Half the money
buys more clothes
for the homeless,

and then they get
the clothes
that we don't sell.

And we keep half
the profits.

For Adam's laptop.
Then he can work
wherever he wants.

Get some free time
with his honey.

Plus increase
his productivity

and make him even more
valuable to his boss.

Everybody wins.

(GASPS) Hey.

Did you see those
Guess sunglasses
the other day?

No sucky-face yet,
bone rack.

We have a Physics midterm
in two days,

and I know less
about Planck's constant
than that lobster...

Or is that two frogs?

That's not why
I'm here.

Alateen?

You blabbed about me
to a roomful of freaks?

I picked it up
at the public library,
and they're not freaks.

They're kids like us.

Dude,
have you been inhaling
the formaldehyde?

There's no way
I'm doing this.

Go to one meeting.

I've been through it all,
Girardi.

There is nothing new
they can tell me.

You've been through it
by yourself.

It doesn't have to be
that way anymore.

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

We're thinking
of counter-suing
Andy's family.

Good.

Does the color make me
look like a corpse?

Maybe this isn't
the best place
to talk.

Retail therapy, Helen.
Don't underestimate it.

So you don't think
counter-suing seems
sort of...

Human?

I'm just so angry
all the time,

every second,
every minute.

I don't want to be
this person.

Aren't we supposed
to try to be as good
as we possibly can?

Oh, you wanna be
a saint.

You are so hard
to talk to.

Hey!

Don't take your anger
out on me

just 'cause I have
a delightful personality.

Well, I don't want
to be a saint.

But you're thinking about
letting these people

take your house
and toss your family
into the street,

so that God can pat you
on the head

and tell you
how selfless you are.

Look, I know
that God says that the poor
will always be among us,

but I don't think
he would want us

to get poor
by being stupid.

You know, I was gonna try
and get you to stop smoking,
but now I don't really care.

Well, too bad
you're not human

'cause you would
look great in this.

Oh, that is beautiful.

(CHUCKLING)

A steal at 150,
dear.

A hundred and fifty?
What are you smoking?

It's Italian leather.

Its okay, Lilly.
I didn't really need it.

No. If there's
anyone who needs fine,
Italian craftsmanship,

it's you.

If you, uh, let me
borrow it sometime.

I'll give you $90 for it.
Take it or leave it.

$120.

You know, I'm already
being ripped off

by somebody
who paralyzed my son,

so I don't need anybody else
trying to make a buck off me

because he thinks
I might be vulnerable.

Fine, fine. Ninety.

Saint Helen,
the bitchy.

Hmm.

I use
the non-handicapped toilet,

but then I feel guilty.

It's really not so bad
being in my position.

Nobody every yells,
"Down in front!"

And, uh, I don't want you
to think that my equipment
is all broken down there.

The chair reclines...

(JOAN GIGGLING)

What are you doing?

What? Nothing.
Why are you here?

I have to ask you
a question.

You were laughing.

Yeah. That's because
you're sick.

Do you think
it would be nuts of me

to try open mike night
at the Laugh Riot?

I had a question,
remember?

Then we'll get
to Schecky Girardi.

Fine.

So, um...

If a girl did something
really crazy cool for you,

you know, like bought you
something totally expensive,

something that
you really needed,

would you freak?

Is that
what I think it is?

(GROANS)

No.

Yes. It...

If you promise
not to tell.

You did that for Adam?

No!

(LAUGHS)

Well, maybe.

Is that
what he, uh, needed?

Could we please
just focus?

Sure.

What happens
if I pull on it?

Oh, Kevin,
forget it!

No! Okay!
I would say no gift.

If he really needs it,

it'd take away
his manhood,

and it'll shrivel up.

What will?

Oh, God.

Not his fault.

It's what happens when
girls do stuff for us

we're supposed
to be able to do
for ourselves.

That's too pathetic
to be true.

Family vacations,
how many times
did Mom drive?

But this is gonna
change Adam's life.

And mine.

All right, then do it.

But make him feel
like you didn't
really do anything.

So, lie?

It's that or, uh...

(SIGHING)
Okay, I got it!

I don't need the visual.

Hey, what about
the Laugh Riot?

I will be there.

Just don't shrivel up
if you don't get
all your laughs.

(DOOR CLOSES)

Freidman,
I have $250 cash!

The software alone
is worth that.

Strain not
thy lithesome frame,
fair Ophelia.

Hey! Stay, Droopio.

Find any more treasure?

Just ratty sweaters
and some tighty-whities.

Who donates
old underpants?

Look, I don't have
enough cash.

He's gonna put
that thing on eBay
in like an hour.

Chill. He'll cough it up
for me.

Judith,
it's Freidman.

He's the Ebola virus
in tube socks.

JUDITH: So? You get to spend
more time with Adam,

I get to knock the rust
off my flirtation skills.

(CLICKING TONGUE)

Listen, Shakespeare,

you want to make
Judith happy, don't you?

Couldn't you cut Jo-Jo here
a break on that computer
of yours?

But sh-sh-she doesn't...

Uh, she doesn't...

My, you're...

You have such
a big laptop.

Oh, I...

Oh, I-I-I...

If you deny Jo-Jo,
you deny me.

No.

I... No.

I...

Girl's still got it.

(PEOPLE CHATTERING)

WILL: Yes!

Well, somebody's
in a good mood.

Setting a bad example?
Sorry.

No, no, no.
Hey, I was just
starting to think

that you didn't even
know how to smile.

I, uh...

I convinced Helen
we have to counter-sue.

I probably
shouldn't celebrate,

but after rolling over
for so long...

No explanation
necessary.

Listen, if you need
any help, I...

Thanks.
I think we're in
good shape now.

All right.

Well, I'm just putting
it out there because

I have a friend in Chicago
who found out some things.

Things?

Andy's father, Tim Baker,
owned a small company.

Baker and Burke.
They make
shipping containers.

Yeah. Well,
it's just Burke now.

I talked to somebody
at the Illinois State
Securities Department.

About this?

Well, he's an old friend.
We were just catching up,
you know,

and I mentioned
Baker's name.

I really don't even
remember how it came up.

Anyway, it seems
that there were
some tax questions

surrounding this company
when it went public,

and you can see that
back here on these sheets
that I got from the SEC.

You have
a lot of friends.

They suspect that
Baker cooked the books

trying to avoid taxes,

and his partner
threatened
to report him.

Why else would a man
walk away from a business
after 20 years?

And I'll bet
he might walk again
if you knew you had this.

So, all of this just
came up in a conversation
with old buddies.

Hey, I'm a cop.

How many times
do you get the chance

to squash the bad guy
before he hurts
some good people?

Next time, you should
talk to me first.

Yeah.

But you would have
just said no.

Surprise!

Jane.

Well, what is this?

It's a reward.

Mmm. (KISSES)

For being
the best boyfriend
on the planet.

It's a loan!
It's not a gift.

I talked my parents
into getting it for me.

I-I thought
you hated computers.

Well, um,
I finally decided

to join
the rest of the world.

And you can
borrow it,

which means you can work
wherever you want,

like in places
where I am.

Well, are you sure
you're not gonna
need it?

Not as much as you.

It'll help you be
more productive,

which means
the ad campaign
will be better,

which means
more kids will stay
away from drugs,

which means they'll
be better citizens

and contribute more
to society.

Yeah, I just wanted
to not get fired.

And you won't
get fired.

Jane,
this is amazing.

Thank you.

Hey, I have to bring
some clothes
over to St. Agnes.

You want a ride?

Your coat, where'd...
Where'd you get it?

Vintage store
with Lilly.

Hey, I haven't
had a new coat
for three years,

and it's second-hand.

You have to
return it.

It's way too
Freaky Friday.

I think it rocks,
Mrs. G.

(GRUNTS)

(WHISPERS) Not helping.

Thank you, Adam.

Sure.
And the computer
is way cool, too.

The computer?

Uh, just keep
the stupid coat.

Let's go.

Hey, Lilly.

Hey.

Wow.

You're amazing, kid.

How are you
at changing water
into wine?

Somebody get pierced?

Shh!

How did you know?

I can't get through
a metal detector

without the SWAT team
surrounding me.

You been
using alcohol?

Yes, but it won't heal.
It's oozing and gooey.

Yeah, been there.
It's the price
of freakdom.

I love your coat.

Thank you.

It's, uh,
very unusual.

I bought one
just like that

for my wife
on a trip to Milan.

She passed away
last month.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Hmm.

Our daughter donated it
at school.

It's for the homeless.

You can't
cherry pick donations.

Are you accusing me
of stealing?

Uh, Mom, we...
We should probably go.

I-I have to study,
so...

Her name's
Ellen Sanders.

Her initials are written
on the label.

She bought it
at a vintage store.

Its okay, Lilly,

I didn't take
your coat.

I am so sorry.

I don't know
how this happened.

(SCOFFING)

Yeah.

(SIGHING)

♪ Get rolled on... ♪

We need
my aunt's clothes back!
It's an emergency.

I thought she died.

Well, yeah,
but her uncle
is really mad.

Okay.

Just give me 500.

But you only gave us,
like, 400.

It's called
capitalism, dears.

I'm entitled to something
for my trouble.

We were helping
the homeless.

Fool me once,
shame on you.

Fool me twice...
Oh, no, not her.

Where did you
get this?

Why did I take
my eye mask off today?

Where did you get
this coat?

It belonged
to her late aunt.

Oh, God.

Mom, it's not
how it looks, okay?

Yes, we sold the stuff.

But we sunk all the money
back into buying clothes
for the homeless.

Yeah, we bought like
five times as much clothes
as we ever could've gotten.

And you didn't keep
anything for yourselves?

Well, not much,
anyway.

What did you take?

Nothing!

Almost nothing.

I mean, we were supposed
to take something

for incentive, you know,
like Adam Smith said.

Oh, shut the hell up
about Adam Smith!

I really wouldn't
cross her.

Where's the money?

Well, it's...
It's sort of gone.

Sort of?

We got belly rings.

What?

And we got a laptop
for Adam. Rove.

We got a really
good deal on it.

Mom, I swear,
we-we didn't hurt anybody.

People have stopped
donating clothes.

They trusted us!

That man gave us
his dead wife's coat

for the homeless,
not for you!

And not for belly rings!

(SIGHING)

It's always worst
when his VA check comes.

He drinks the whole thing
first day.

And calls me from lock-up.

But I wouldn't go
get him last time.

I wouldn't do it.

(WHISPERING) This is
just too weird, Girardi.

MAN: Anybody else?

Hi, my name
is Grace.

ALL: Hi, Grace.

Uh...

Nothing leaves
this room, right?

Because I will hunt
you people down.

Uh...

My mother is an alcoholic.

And this is

my boyfriend.

Luke.

ALL: Hi, Luke.

Hey.

Hey.

I, uh, just started
on my layout.

You should check out
this funky font.
It's called Buddha Bold.

I have to take
the computer back.

Sure. I'll just...
I'll just work
on my stuff later.

Actually, there's
not really gonna
be any later.

Jane, what's going on?

I am so sorry, Adam.

Your stomach,
it's leaking.

Oh, yeah.

I got my belly pierced,
only it's infected,

and if I take
the bandage off,

then my belly button
will come out with it.

Are you okay?

No.

No. I hate,
hate economics.

I...

My parents didn't buy
the computer, I did,

with stuff I took
from the clothing drive.

Okay, well, stole.

I thought I was doing good,
but I got all caught up.

And then it was
like this interstate
crime spree except...

Well, I stayed here.

You stole
from the homeless?

Yes. I am a horrible
human being.

Yeah.

Well, you weren't
supposed to say that.

Jane, you-you stole
from the homeless.

Okay! I think
we've established that.

(SIGHS)

I don't know how
things got so nuts.

You know, I was...

I wanted
to help you.

You have school
and you go to work

and you have to take
care of your dad

and we miss each other.

Jane...

Jane, look.

Just don't say
anything perfect, okay?

I can't take it
right now.

We already
have so much.

I mean, sometimes
more than we need.

(SIGHING)

Just don't.

Don't.

(SIGHING)

How did we go
from counter-suit
to blackmail?

It's not blackmail.

You said that
we could get represented
on a contingency basis,

not have to lay out
any money.

Sure, but if
the jury decides
against us,

we'd have to pay
their legal fees, too.

This is
our safest option.

Since when is going
nuclear safe?

They'd do it to us.

Oh, so you want us
to go from being them

to making them
look virtuous?

This isn't like you, Will.

How did you even get
this information?

Now it's wrong
to try and protect
my family?

Dad, Mom's right.

If the Bakers
are our moral compass,
we're pretty lost.

Counter-suing,
that's enough.

I gave the computer
to the church

along with
all the money I had,

but I still feel
like the bottom
of a bird cage.

Your mom
freaks me out.

She didn't call
my parents.

That's because
she knows guilt

is a much more
effective weapon.

Man, if my parents
found out,

they'd make it
all about them,

drag us back
into family therapy.

A cigar is never
a cigar in my family.

Sorry.
This was all my fault.

Yeah,
like I go out of my way
to avoid trouble.

What were we thinking?

That looks nasty.

It's gonna scar.

Tell me about it.

♪ There was nothing
I could do ♪

I, uh... I almost had
a psychic ,

but she left me
before we met.

(LUKE LAUGHS)

COMIC: Um...

(LUKE LAUGHING)

All of those who believe
in psyc,

raise my hand.

MAN 1: Pretty lame, pal.

MAN 2: Get off the stage!

MAN 3: You're gonna have to
run back to comedy school!

COMIC:
Uh, well, I, uh,

I see a shotgun
pointed at me,

must mean
it's my time to go.

Thank...
Well, just you, actuall.

ANNOUNCER: All right then.
We'lk
.

(EXCLAIMS)

I don't know, Kev.

I don't want people
laughing at you.

Well, that's kind of
the whole point, Dad.

You've always thought
that he was funny.

Yeah, but this
is different.

I don't know why
he has to do it here.

Oh...

Oh, pretty clear now,
isn't it, Dad?

HELEN: Beth.
So, big night, huh?

Hey.
Yeah, can't wait.

Joan, why don't you go
get us some refills?

Because I screw up,
now I have to be
your slave?

Yeah, it's one of
the joys of motherhood.

BARMAN: Here you go.
Tough crowd, huh?

Hi, uh, three Cokes,
a Diet Coke,
and a Sprite, please.

Sure.

It's a comedy club.

Shouldn't you
be smiling, Joan?

Yeah, my life
is a Will Ferrell movie.

Well, it's always
darkest before the dawn.

And if you're planning
to steal your neighbor's
newspaper,

that's the time
to do it.

(SIGHING)

Finally. Something
you're not good at.

Hey, your brother
liked me.

I was using
what I learned.

Isn't that what
you wanted me to do?

Here.

What does this say?

In you we trust.

You stopped trusting.

You wanted more
and more...

So money is the root
of all evil.

Actually,
the real quote is,

"Love of money
is the root of all evil."

Why don't you just make
everybody rich?

How you see the world,

how you deal with it,

that determines
your real wealth.

(SIGHING)

ANNOUNCER: He calls himself
"The Last Comic Sitting."

Let's give a big
Laugh Riot welcome
to Kevin Girardi.

Enjoy.

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

KEVIN: Thank you.

Um, a lot of new comics
worry that their routine
is gonna be a car wreck,

but, uh, I already got
that out of the way,

so you can all relax.

See, um, my best friend
drove me into a tree,

and now he's suing me
for a million dollars

because...

He's depressed.

I do really feel bad
for him, but it also
is kind of like

the United States
suing Hiroshima.

Like, "Hey.

"You ruined our bomb!

"That was
our favorite bomb!"

But, um, even if
he does win,

I got the last laugh.

I still have
six of his CDs

and I am not
giving them back.

All right!

I don't understand that,
though.

What about money
makes people so crazy?

I mean, how much
do we really need?

I make plenty
because I rent out
my handicapped plates.

One guy was such a moron,

he, uh, he got
out of the car

with a white cane.

I also make a lot of money
outside the Starbucks.

I'll just be
sitting outside.

You will be surprised
how many people throw
their change into my latte.

It's awesome.

And I save
a bundle on shoes.

I mean, one pair is gonna
last m.

See, there are
a lot of benefits

to having no feeling
below the waist.

The party games for one.

There's
"Let's freeze Kevin's le"

Then there's, uh, let's see,
"Pi"