Original subtitles

Meet the gang cause the boys are here, the boys to entertain you.

With music and laughter to help you on your way to raising the rafters with a

hey, hey, hey.

With songs and sketches and jokes shown anew. With us about you and Phil Blue.

So meet the gang cause the boys are here, the boys to entertain you.

B -O -B -O -Y -S, boys to entertain you.

The gang, cause the boys are here. The boys to entertain

you.

Bombardier Solomon, sir, is climbing council party men on train and

is top hold, sir.

No way.

Go. You're quite right, sir.

This Indian ice cream is made of cholera and all sorts of nasty things.

Go on, go, go, go.

Oh, you silly fellow, don't you know that British officers, sir, do not

cut toenails when train is standing at the station?

compartment for rail.

Everything all right, Ashwin?

Absolutely first class, sir.

Actually, I didn't know where to go, of course, on the north -west frontier.

Well, old Plunkett Seabag was dead keen when we were at Harrow. Now, I don't

think he's picked something up.

What exactly is he? Oh, Plunkett the peer, sir. Pity officer.

Oh, don't be a fool, Ashwin. I'm sorry, sir. He's a political officer.

It's his job to keep the tribesmen quiet.

Wretched British.

Troops haven't had any entertainment for ages, you know.

Rotten life for them.

No canteen, no amenities, and what's worse, no women.

They don't know what to do with themselves.

No women, eh?

That sort of thing plays havoc with the chaps. Well, of course it does.

Can't they put something in the tea?

I believe they have.

If our concert party gives them a few turns, I'm sure it'll raise their

Yes, of course. They can dress up as girls in skirts and lipsticks and so on.

That's almost as good, isn't it?

No, not really.

1 ,200 miles up to Bennu makes a nice outing for us, doesn't it?

Look, Nosher, don't stand around like a spare thing at a wedding. Come on, get

them bondocks on the rack.

Careful with that one. I've got my dressies in. Thank you, Mother.

Thank you, Mother.

Thank you, Mother.

Get them boxes loaded for the deer.

Take care of them rifles. You might need them on a north -west frontier.

Them tribesmen do very funny things if they catch his hold of you.

Shut up!

Yes, they are real soldiers, them tribesmen. Aren't they going to suck

Sergeant Major.

And when they see you, they will have a breakdown.

Yes, Sergeant Major.

Get that stinking urn out of my sight!

Hey, what do you think you're doing here, you thieving fellow?

I'm Official Chawal of the Concert Party. Get lost, you scoundrel.

Do them buttons up on your shirt, gentlemen.

This is the army and not a day trip to Brighton.

Tell the parking.

Sir. Smart boy, shoulders back.

Find a better shoulder. Show him off, show him off. Yes, sir.

Gold ring, Waller.

Gold ring, Waller.

Gold ring, Sarge.

Gold ring.

Look. In acid.

Real gold.

Don't touch it, Sergeant Major. It's not real acid. Look. There you are. Go on,

jam. What was you in City Street?

Solomon's a pawnbroker?

That's my father. Shut up.

Now get over them bastards.

Oh. Cool.

You like my sister?

What? You like my sister?

How do you think so?

I suppose time for you, yeah.

You like my sister?

Simon Major, it's the comfort wallet.

Take charge of your own, would you? I need to get this stinky shower.

Turn off these black holes.

That's it. Now, very gently, very gently, please, and be very careful. Do

like my sister?

No, not very much, actually.

Bring it round like that, round that way. Now, lower it and be very careful.

Oh, you wretched fellows, it'll all be out of tune again. It's a swastika. Come

on. Well, Polly, they bashed it all out of tune.

Listen. Now, listen to that. Don't take me out. Come on, get it on the train.

And where do you think you're going?

I'm taking my place. Not until you've paid me five rupees.

What's five rupees?

How do you think I'm driving station master with Scots mist, isn't it?

Thank you. Thank you. You are most kind.

Wait one moment. One moment, please. You have not paid me for smelly goat.

Be extra. Sir, will you be holding this animal while I am doing transactions?

Oh, don't worry.

No,

no, sorry. I don't want the smelly thing.

Could you mind taking your own, dear?

And

I'm

dropping her up in Delhi while the train

is doing 50 miles an hour.

that you're an ignorant old cow.

Everything under control, ma

'am. I hope you've brought all your dresses and things.

Oh, yes, I've got a new one.

It's flame taffeta with a slit right up to here.

Good show.

Yeah, it will be.

We shall be on the train for five days. I want you all to make yourselves

comfortable. Five days?

What do we do about Connors, sir? We stop at stations and food will be served

the European dining room.

Will there be any chips?

Amusing fellow.

Graves, isn't it? Evans, actually. Oh, yes, of course. Very amusing.

I do not care how long you've been with Indian Railways. Paddington General was

never like this.

He has a floating bombardier.

Miles up? It's going to take me hours.

Oh, good morning, Sergeant Major. Oh, good morning, Sergeant Major. Shut up!

Right, lovely boy, get that mob off the roof of that train.

I will do no such thing. Why do you think you are the only people who can

on our train?

That is dangerous, boy. We go through a tunnel, they get knocked off. Oh, no,

no, no, no, no, Sergeant Major. When we go through a tunnel, they crouch very

low. Shut up!

Inside in comfort?

You call this comfort?

with betel nut through the ventilators. If I was a poor Indian under that roof

and saw all you British lying there lazurius, more than a betel nut would

through that ventilator.

Time made it up. I will remove from them all betel nut and chewing things except

chapatis. Shut up! Time for time to go. Don't you blow that whistle. My men are

not yet loaded.

I'll blow my damn whistle when it's time to blow my damn whistle. Get him,

Agintos!

Stand by to pull the communication cord.

Mind if I do that? You'll get junkies if you don't.

Pull the cord!

Pull the cord!

Do you think I should interfere,

sir? I shouldn't. I expect the sergeant to have got everything under control.

Six o 'clock, Ashford. Time for a cheddar bag, eh?

Oh, wizard.

Shall I serve?

Yes, go ahead.

Pink gin, sir? Yes, please.

Sergeant Major, care for a pink gin? It's very good for the voice. You had a

hard time with it on the platform.

No, thank you, sir.

King's regulations clearly state that officers of another rank do not drink in

each other's company.

Surely you're a warrant officer?

Oh, well, in that case, I'll have a straight gin, sir.

Pink gin is for commissioned officers only.

Surely you have a touch of Angostura?

Beg your pardon, sir?

I said, surely you have a touch of Angostura?

No, sir, it's these Indian carriages. They always get a bit poggy when it's

I can't be travelling 1

,200 miles in these conditions just to give a few overprivileged officers a

show. We won't get shot up by the tribesmen, will we?

No. They get drops from the British government.

Each Ed Trisman gets ten golden sovereigns a month to get their fingers

trigger. Oh. And do you know what is sometimes happening, sir? They take the

golden guineas, then they buy big chatties of bugle barney, which they

night, and then they are shooting all the same.

Lovely. The death of someone real bullish.

That is the cunning of the British government, sir. Because when they are

of bugle barney...

They cannot shoot you straight.

Can't you give a poker, sir?

Yes, anything to pass the time.

How about you, Sergeant Major?

Who, my sir?

Yes, sir. Well, we won't pay for money.

I beg your pardon, sir. Could you ask the punker wallets to direct the fan

way from time to time?

Yes, of course.

Punker Wallet, fan career of the Sergeant Major from time to time, will

Take care, sir.

You seem to have their lingo off to a T, sir. Oh, just practice, that's all.

Much cooler, sir. Much cooler. Oh, good. Good.

You know, I like this Indian idea of having a block of ice in the first

compartment. It certainly cools things down.

I remember once when I was on my way to Benares, just before the monsoon, it was

so hot, we had actually to sit on the ice.

Did it do any good?

Up to a point, yes.

Chop it up and give her a little bit at a time.

Oh, stop, of course.

If only I had your great brain.

Yeah, university education comes in very handy, especially when it comes to

shoving chapatis through ventilators.

Sergeant Major Hotbottom.

Oh, you will take the high road and I will take the low road.

I will be in the Godland for you.

Our three -ton is in trouble, sir. Oh, dear.

He didn't give him a hand, Sergeant Major.

Very good, sir.

Well, it's the heat, isn't it? Stands to reason. What is it, then?

Big end, Sergeant Major.

I see, Sergeant Major.

There's no tow rope on the jeep. How do you account for that?

You signed for the truck, sir.

Possibly you didn't sign for a tow rope in it, sir.

How dare you stupid of me? I'd kick myself. I really could.

How much further to Banu, Sergeant Major?

About 30 miles, sir.

All kind of stuff!

Shut up!

What does he want, Ashford?

I beg your pardon, sir? I said, what does he want?

Who? What do you want, bearer? Oh, if it please you, Carl Favre, there is one

signpost made in the alley.

By George, he's right. Let's have a deco.

What does it say?

Is he?

I've got to sit down.

I'm going to go on. My headache's coming on. Oh, don't worry, Sam.

That 1896.

Drives in friendly now.

Nearly all time.

Here. What's that flashing? What flashing? That flashing there.

What do you make of it, Ashwin?

I would say, sir, it was caused by something reflecting the sun's rays.

I'm going to be sick.

It's signaling, sir.

Can't be our chaps. There aren't any British troops for miles.

Well, there's obviously nothing to worry about.

We'd better get out of here as quickly as possible.

Here, look, sir.

Sergeant Major?

I left you in charge of the vehicle, sir.

Gosh, how could I have done such a stupid thing?

for people putting out fire.

I'm going to speak to the men, I assure you.

Absolutely first -class ideas.

The men are firing, sir.

Good.

Now, listen, chaps.

Banu is 30 miles away.

Our vehicles are US.

So we need one of us, one of you, to go and get help.

Carry on, Sergeant Major.

officer said, we need a volunteer.

Well, that's got to be got.

I'd like the volunteer, Sergeant Major.

Stay where you are, Parkin.

I will select the volunteer.

Now, it is quite clear to me that there is one man in this unit who is best

equipped.

You've got the art.

I don't mind lending it.

Yes, boy.

And you will have the honour of saving the regiment.

Now, you're going to need a lot of water, and we're going to make sure you

it.

That's your chattels, boys.

I'm afraid we're nearly out of Angostura, sir.

Things are getting damn serious.

Then you have a nice long rest for about five minutes.

A couple of mouthfuls of water, you should do it in two days easy.

Yes, Sergeant Major.

Good luck, Boyle.

Good luck.

Yes, good luck. I shan't forget this gunner, um, gunner, what's your name?

Sugden, sir. I shan't forget this gunner, Sugden.

Just keep going.

You can't miss it.

Shall I take me gone?

Ah, that's quite a point. We do want to provoke the tribesman. On the other

hand, he is a soldier.

It's a matter of opinion, sir.

You've got the third row of the stall, sir.

Well, that decides it, then. Go unarmed.

Off you go, then, lovely boy.

Now?

Now. For saying you that.

Oh, my goodness me.

We British are always being so brave.

Brings tears to eyes.

And mine.

Spotted trouble by you, sir.

I think we ought to send out scouts, put out a few pickets. We're not at war

with these people. They're perfectly peaceful.

All we have to do is to wait until Gummer... Sugden, sir. Sugden comes back

help.

Waterboy.

Where are you hiding?

pretty damn crow.

Hello.

I think I took the wrong road.

It isn't push to, Colonel Tharp.

Permit me to translate.

It's they, they are caught like rats in trap.

That's it. I knew it. We should never have come here alone.

They should have sent some soldiers with us.

Can't you see what they're doing with us? They're playing with us like a

boy plays with his yo -yo.

Now listen, men.

There's absolutely no reason to believe that this message refers to us.

see anything?

Can I park in? Yes, sir.

You can ride down, son.

I say, the sergeant is awfully good, isn't he? Yeah, he's a good man to have

a tight spot.

There's someone coming around the corner, sir.

Keep him covered and don't shoot.

That's right. Keep him covered and don't shoot.

Oh, my goodness.

They're always being so calm when chips are down, isn't it?

It's Lofty, sir.

Right, we'll bring him in.

Bombardier, you come with me. The rest of you keep us covered.

Lofty, what happened?

I got captured by a tribesman.

Really? Did they give you a rough time?

No, they gave me a carpet.

It is what they are calling conference carpet.

They are wanting to be seated on carpet with Colonel Zarb and to have

conference.

I don't smoke pickles here.

Don't offend them, Ashwood.

I can't stand tobacco.

Oh, but, sir, that is not tobacco. That is cow dung.

Do not worry, sir. It is some sacred cow.

And most carefully mix it with beautiful herbs and spicy things.

Go on, Afrod. You needn't inhale it.

Oh, no need to do that, sir.

Why, my ketchup.

Oh, no, sir. That smoke kills absolutely everything.

Seem quite friendly to me.

Well, I wouldn't trust him, sir.

How is your wife?

Oh, very well.

How is your second wife?

Tell him I do not have a second wife. Colonel, sir.

Colonel, sir.

Colonel, sir.

Would you like

to buy a second wife?

Well, what are they up to?

Where have they come to the point?

Sorry, don't let them take me alive.

Finish me off before they start me with this great big knife.

Tell him we are royal.

He's got it all wrong.

Show me.

Bing Crosby.

That's done it.

No. No, we haven't got Bing Crosby.

Colonel Saab, they say you're a lying monkey.

Colonel Saab, they say that you're hiding Bing Crosby.

and 100 rifles pointing at us, and he say, bring Bing before him.

We haven't got Bing Crosby.

Colonel

Cobb,

he say, they count up to 10, then if no Bing, they go bang.

Who am I?

I just want to say how really great it is for me to be here in little old

Now,

this tired old baritone is going to groan his way through a few numbers we

to think were Uncle Sam.

And to give us her invaluable support, that lovely little lady, Miss Dorothy

Lamour.

He goes with your hair.

You certainly know the right

thing to wear.

You certainly know the right thing to wear.

first class. Yes, sir.

Colonel Saab, the Chief Khan Saab wants to give you this beautiful camel saddle

rug. Oh, how jolly kind.

We ought to give something back, wouldn't we? Oh, Colonel Saab, the Chief

Saab knows what he wants.

Oh, good.

What is it? Colonel Saab, he wants Dar es Salaam.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Boys to entertain you!

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