All language subtitles for How.High.2001.1080p.WEBRip.x265-RARBG.eng

♪ Hits from the bong ♪

♪ Hits from the bong ♪

♪ Hits from the bong ♪

♪ Hits from the bong ♪

♪ Pick it, pack it,
fire it up

♪ Come along and take a hit
from the bong ♪

♪ Put the blunt down
just for a second ♪

♪ Don't get me wrong
it's not a new method ♪

♪ Inhale, exhale ♪

♪ Just got an ounce
in the mail ♪

♪ I like a blunt
or a big fat cone ♪

♪ But my double-barreled bong
is getting me stoned ♪

♪ I'm skillin', there's water
inside don't spill it ♪

♪ Hits from the bong ♪

♪ Gonna get high ♪

- ♪ Hits from the bong ♪
- ♪ Gonna get high ♪

♪ Let's smoke that bowl
hit the bong ♪

♪ And then take that finger
off of that hole ♪

♪ Plug it, unplug it
don't strain. ♪

What the fuck
is your problem?

No disrespect, Silas.
My bumbaclot Johnson
no working, see?

- What?
- My rassclot true gashman.

My dick won't
stay thick, see?

I think I got
something for that.
Hold on.

Girl,

wake your ass up.

Damn well
you ain't sleeping.

"Crabs,"

"bad breath,"

"limp dick." Ha!

Got that dough?

Will this make
my drill sergeant
stand at attention?

No, but it'll make you forget
your drill sergeant

don't stand at attention.
Get at me in the morning.

- Peace!
- Yo, Silas,
my brother!

Oh, shit, Mikey,
hell no!

Hey, come on, Silas,

I need something
to help me out.

Yeah, rehab, mouthwash,
and a job application.

Jeez.

I'm starting
to recognize things.

That's 'cause you coming down
off a three month crack binge.

It's called reality, son.
Later, man.

Wait, wait, Silas!
You got anything
for a head wound?

Man, ain't nothing wrong
with your head.

There is now.

Fucking crackhead.

Now what?

- Oh, shit, Ive.
- What's up, dog?

- What's up, nigger?
- What's cracking?

Ain't shit, you know.

You get my message
about going to the Jets game?

Yo, I wish I could, dog.

But I got this shorty
coming through tonight.

Met her on the internet.
Chickenheads.com.

This girl is banging.

Yo, we even exchanged
pictures and everything.

- Damn, this look like
your last girlfriend.
- Mm-hmm.

And did your picture
have that nasty

Al B. Sure pubic patch
in it, motherfucker?

This just sprang up.

You know what
I think it is?

It's the mark
of Buddha.

And your haircut game
is fucked up.

Girlfriend see that,
she going to shit on you.

This girl is different.
All she cares about is
Kevin Costner movies.

I'm going to let Kev
do the foreplay, right?

I figured I'd get something
from the Garden of Weeden
to make it interesting.

- Costner, huh?
- Uh-huh.

- "Dances With Wolves."
- "Field Of Dreams."

That's a corny
motherfucker.

You going to need
some strong shit
just to stay awake.

- Come on.
- You're feeling me.

That's a four-hour-
movie-making motherfucker.

Ooh, what is this?

- Huh?
- Ooh whee!

- You shouldn't have.
- I didn't. Get out of here.

- Man, let me just
grab a titty.
- Hell, no.

- She wouldn't even
know it was me.
- To hell with that.

What you got for me?

Here you go.
The bomb.

- Oh, yeah.
What's this?
- Aaah!

Whoa!
Stop touching stuff!

- When are you getting
some funds for this shit?
- See that right there?

That's a natural
aphrodisiac.

Come here, let me show you
some more shit.

Look right there?
See that?

That's a painkiller.
Look under there, bro'.

You see that?
Cure for blueballs.

This ain't shit,
all right? Watch yourself.

Yeah, well, your shit is
raggedier than a motherfucker.

If you took your head
out these hos

and put 'em
in some books,

you'd have that lab
you always talked about.

Half those books
is filled with bullshit.

The other half lies.
See what I'm saying?

I got to give Pops
his medicine, man.

I'm hungrier
than four dudes.

Hey, I'm hungrier
than five.

Who is you and what you
doing in my house?

I went for
"Pork Chops O'Chunky."

Whether you're black,
or honky, or in-between,

you'll love
"Pork Chops O'Chunky."
Man, that's mean.

- So what's in this stuff?
- Nothing but pork.

Wow, right on, then!

- There you go.
- You're scared
to answer your calling.

Man, what calling?

♪ Pork Chops O'Chunky ♪

♪ Tastes real good ♪

♪ Won't make you
never smell funky, yeah... ♪

You got an opportunity
to do something here...

that the drug companies
would never do.

Let's put the power of healing
back into the hands
of the common man.

Whatever, man.
What you need to do

is concentrate on getting
the power of booty

into the hands
of your common ass.
That's what you need.

Don't worry about the Ive.
I got mine coming tonight.

- Hey, Silas!
- You see the ass
on the red one?

- Simple.
- Just remember
to take them THCs.

At least try
to get into college.

Working in a real lab,
making some real money.

Okay, Ive,
whatever, man.

- If you say so, bro'.
- The world is bigger
than Staten Island.

I'm out.

- Holler at me.
- I'll try to.

- What's up, ladies?
- Yo, Si,

if I got hit by a bus tomorrow,
I got your back.

If anything happened to me,
or I jumped out a window

and my hair caught on fire,
I got your back, dog.

If my ex came after me
with a knife and stabbed me,

- I got your back!
- You talk too much, Ive.

- Peace!
- Yo, Silas!

You'd better take
those college exams!

Look at Jamal,
he's a good boy, huh?

Good boy, my ass.
I had to cancel
my nail appointment

to pick him up
at the precinct last week.

- Momma, they lying.
- They lying?

- They found the weed
on you, didn't they?
- It wasn't mine.

Then what is this
that I found in your bedroom?

Hello.
Ma, it is a lamp.

And this is where
you turn it on at.
Excuse me?

Head.

Now, where did I go wrong
with your ass?

You going to have to take
that THC test

and get into
a four-year college

or I'm just cut you off
from this family.

You are the first member
of this family

to go to college.

But six years
at a two-year
community college

is not what
I had in mind.

- Tell the truth.
- I got a dream that one day

I can put
your college diploma here

under my Jesus,
who's master of this house,

next to your brother's
prison-issue barber certificate

and your sister's
weave-master degree.

Now don't disappoint me.

You weed smoking,
three-day-wearing nasty ass.

Just like your father.

Why you always
talking to me like that
in front of company?

These bitches ain't nobody.

Now go warm me up
some "Pork Chops O'Chunky."

- Is that all, Momma?
- Wash your nasty ass!

Is that all, Momma?

You the man.

- What's up, baby?
- Oh, hell no!

I didn't know
you had dreads!
And what is that?

Brother just got
extensions put in today.
They tight, huh?

Where?
Between your eyes?

- What the hell is that?
- It's the mark of Buddha.

It's the skidmark
of Buddha!

Looks like he took a dump
in the middle of your face!

- I don't think this is
gonna work out.
- Hold on, now!

Why are you doing this?
I rented "Field Of Dreams"
and "Dances With Wolves."

Nigger, you are a wolf.

Chocolate diva!
Nubian goddess!

I'm taking you off
my buddy list, bitch!

I hope you get a virus!
You and your computer.

If you build it,
they will come.

What you mean they'll come?

Who's going to come
to a fucking cornfield?

Who's going to cut
the grass?

I know you don't expect
me to sell no peanuts
out there, bitch.

Shit remind me of slavery.
"Roots" and shit, man.

I don't play this, man.

- What was that? Annie!
- Crazy ho!

Only way I'm coming is
if you got some females
and some chronic.

And then we all
going to be coming.

- That voice, what was it?
- We didn't hear anything!

She got some
nice titties, dog. Word.

What titties? What?

Okay, you must've heard that!

It's a good
baseball field, Ray.

It's kind of pretty.

- I told you.
- You did not.

- I did.
- No, you did not.

Oh God! Oh!

Mark of Buddha, my ass.

Look at you now.
Dead. Ashes.

Damn, Ivory.

After all these years
of blazing,

who would've thought
the last thing you'd
wind up smoking

would be your ass?
I'm gonna miss you, dog.

I'm going to be thinking
about you while I'm
taking them THCs.

And if you're
really my boy,

you'll make sure I pass
that motherfucker,
you heard?

Thanks, Pops.

What's up with that joint?
Can I get a little--

Never mind.
Forget it.

Bald-ass
motherfucker.

Stingy bastard.

Shit.

"Early girl."

Ooh, Ivory.
My how you've grown.

Wow.

Damn, Ivory!

I had no idea you could
stink so good, nigger!

Jeez.

Hey, man,
get that car fixed!

Blunt o'clock, boy.

Man, get the fuck
out of here.

Look at this little ass bag
of fucking weed.

Yes, Lord.

Oooh. Damn!

Oooh.

Aw.

Oh, oh!

Oh! Oh, shit!
My weed!

No cigar? No!

Fuck, fuck! Bitch!

Got blunt?

Got weed?

That shit smell
good as hell.
I'm Jamal.

Peace. Silas.

So you trying
to get something

to bring them
nerves down too, huh?

I figured if I study high,
take the tests high,

- I'll get
high scores, right?
- Right.

- Right.
- Right.

- Look at that car.
- Is it on fire?

Take that, son.

Oh!

Yo...

- This is the shit.
- That shit is called
the Ivory shit.

- It's the shit.
- That's the Ivory right there.

- Goddamn.
- Thanks.

- Oops.
- Yo, pass that, kid.

I just gave it
to the guy in the back, man.

Guy in the back?
Fuck is he--?

- What's up, dog?
- That's Ivory.

No, that's the Ivory.
Damn.

Ivory?! Oh, shit!
You got to be kidding me!

Yo, Silas!
Chill out! Silas!

Word.

What the fuck
is going on?

Ain't you supposed
to be dead?

I am dead.
But this is what happens
when you smoke your boy.

Holy shit.
Let me try that.

Relax. Can we talk
about this in your car?

I know how you can
get high scores.

I'm a ghost, ghost, ghost.

- Now, don't touch me.
- It's me, dog.

What are you doing?
Running the streets,
fucking with the living?

No, bro'.
I'm just here for you.

People can only see me
when they smoke me.

I got all the answers.
I can consult with people.

Socrates, Nietzsche,

even the old dude
who made this test.

- That's bullshit.
- I bullshit you not.

Remember, I told you
I have your back--

even if I got hit
by a bus.

Matter of fact, your ass didn't
even get hit by a bus.

I made it!

I can't feel my legs,
but I'm alive!

- And you predicted
that shit.
- Yeah.

So what are
you doing here?

Are you going
to hook me up with a chick
with a no-gag reflex?

Even better. I'm going to be
in there with you.

By the time I'm done with you,
every college in the country
will be knocking.

Ow, shit.
Man, I must not be high enough.

He a ghost, man.

Cool.
That explains everything.

I'm up here trying to put
my fucking hand through--

We've never had anybody,
let alone two people

get a perfect score.

We either have a one
in six billion phenomenon,

or a cheat.

- Damn!
- It would've been impossible
for either of you to cheat.

You had two totally different
versions of the test.

Congratulations.
These scores are going

to get you into any college
in the country.

Yo, we still high
on that Ivory?

Cain, it's as simple as this.

The trustees are
riding my ass

about getting
some color up
at Harvard.

- Excuse me?
- Ethnic diversity.

The trustees seem
to think we need it.

- How come we don't have
more minorities?
- How should I know?

If we don't
do something soon,
I might get fired.

What about Upchuck Amalu?
He's Eskimo.

Why isn't
he considered as a minority?
And I brought him in.

But it's breaking the bank
keeping his igloo frozen.

Dean, what about those
two guys I read about
from the Tri-states?

They made perfect scores
on their THCs.

I saw those guys' pictures.
They looked like mug shots!

I don't care.
I want them!

At Reparations
Technical Institute,

we offer a cornucopia
of educational

and business opportunities
for brothers and sisters
to pursue higher learning.

- Read from the brochure.
- "Brothers, join us

and learn hatred
for the white devil

in a relaxed campus
atmosphere,

- where classes range..."
- From...

- "Hatred For
The White Devil..."
- to...

- "Advanced Hatred
For The White Devil..."
- and...

- "Volleyball."
- Next.

You think you're all
hot tamales right now?

Why don't you come
to the base and understand

what it's really like
to be special?

You work hard, you learn,

and then you can build
refrigerators and such.

Next!

Taking a vow of celibacy...

- Next.
- ...frees your mind...

- Next.
- ...and your body.

Next!

Harvard?!

Ain't it a lot
of richy people
up there?

Shit, I got to roll up
that joint, dog.

With test scores like these
you can roll up any joint
you want.

But Harvard, gentlemen,
is not just any joint.

- It's an institution.
- All I want to do is
develop my herbal

in a real lab,
and get some head
while I'm doing it.

We have the finest
Botany department in the world

and a quality of life
like no other.

Music, artists,
and the women... mmm.

So, does it sound tempting?
Ivy league atmosphere?

A place where you can
really grow academically?

- Sure, I'll fucks with ya.
- I'll fucks with you, too.

- Is that good?
- Yes, that's a yes.

Then we'll fox
with each other.

- Damn.
- Damn.

Them hos look like
they still in high school, yo.

If there's grass
on the infield,
play ball.

Where the fuck is
orientation at, anyway?

Da-amn.

Hey!

- What the fuck was that?
- Je-sus!

If I could pull off six years
out of community college,

I know I could get
a least 12 years up
in this motherfucker.

How much of that Ivory
we got, anyway?

We limited, all right?
So we're going to have
to split this shit up.

You know what I'm saying?
We only blaze at test times.

- What, no wake and bake?
- I got other stuff for that.

Bart, remember those artifacts
I found this summer?

I was right!
They are Ben Franklin's!

Great. Did you figure out
where you want to eat
dinner tonight?

Dinner?
Bart, some of these
things are--

they look like
earlier inventions.

And if I can discover
what these are,

it could be the greatest find
of anyone attending Harvard.

I loves Ben Franklin, girl,
and I could listen to you

talk about his stinking ass
all day long.

- Excuse me?
- Do anybody know where
the financial aid office is?

Well, my man,
let me think.

See that statue right there?
It's beautiful, isn't it?

That statue is in the likeness
of my great grandaddy Dooster.

So I'm guessing that
would be the Dooster house.

The financial aid office.
Gee, I don't think

I've ever met anyone
who actually needed to go there.

All we did was come over
and ask for directions.

If we came over here
and asked if anybody needed
their ass kicked,

you wouldn't sound
so fucking smart, would you?

My bad, bro'. We got off
on the wrong foot.
Let's start over.

- I'm Bart.
- I'm Jamal.

My friend, this is crew,
but don't even think about it.

You don't look like
you could hang, Jermaine.

The name's Jamal,
and I'll fuck your crew up.

Who are they?
Who are they, goddamn it?

It's rowing,
Jimmy-Jam.

Well, Bart-Fart,
you got skills in it?

Yeah, I'm captain
of the team.

- If you can do it,
I can do it, sucker.
- That's right.

This isn't
basketball, J-Rock.

I trained all year round
for three seasons

to make number one
in single sculls.

You about to be number two,
'cause I'm signing up, buddy.

Practice starts tomorrow,
6:00 am. A'ight?

Fine. I don't mind
cutting my evening short
to be there.

As Dean of Freshmen,

I have welcomed students
from all over the world.

From Korea, from Rome,
Istanbul.

Students enter Harvard

with a variety of goals.

Excuse me?
Are we in the right place?

- Anyone? Anyone? Anyone?
- You? You?

As I was saying,

Harvard isn't for everyone.

Oh, shit.
We got a black man
for a teacher.

That's what I'm
talking 'bout!
What's up, bro'?

- We straight.
- Holler!

- As I was saying...
- What's wrong with his ass?

He probably been locked up
more times than me

- and your ass put together.
- Get him.

That old, green, Jimmy
The Cricket suit-wearing
ass motherfucker.

- Get him!
- Old, short, Colin Powell
haircut-having motherfucker.

- Get him!
- Angela Davis moustache
wearing-ass motherfucker.

You little Richard Pryor
shortcut fade

happening 'round the sides
wearing motherfucker!

You little Sammy Davis Award
Junior Afro haircut having-ass
motherfucker!

- Get him!
- You little dynamite
disco daddy devastating.

- Get him!
- You little Don Cornelius
with a haircut--

Gentlemen, if you don't mind,
I'd like you to sit down.

I would like to continue.

- Excuse me.
- 'Scuse me.

- Watch your toes.
- Watch the corns.

Excuse me.

Thank you for your...
entertaining anecdotes.

We here at Harvard
are rooted in tradition.

Fuck is this?

That's toilet water.

It's a part of my pledge.
Do you guys mind?

No. But do you mind
talking that way,

'cause your breath smell
like straight ass-crack, bro'.

Isn't there
a hip-hop convention
you two should be at?

- Ooooh.
- Oooh.

- Shark has fangs.
- Word. Go easy on him.

We probably
the only blackheads he's seen
since he looked in the mirror.

Can you guys just show
a little respect? Jeez.

This class is fucking boring,
I'm out of here.

Excuse me,
did I hear you
say something?

With all due respect, sir,
suck my dick.

No, sir, I'm not
saying anything.

- It's these guys.
- You're an asshole.

- Did you just
call me an asshole?
- No, I said idiot.

- An idiot?!
- No, sir! No, sir!

- What did you say?
- I said this school
has nice halls.

- This is not funny.
- You couldn't teach your way
out of kindergarten class.

I think we've had enough
interruptions for today.

- I think you should leave.
- Sir.

This would never have
happened if I were black.

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Better pull back
on those pedals, boy.

- Why?
- Maximum speed on campus
is 15 MPHs.

MPHs?

50 bucks?
Man, I can't pay this.

- Well...
- This isn't
even a real ticket.

It's a student citation.
See, I'm a volunteer.

You need to pay that
by Friday at fi--

- That was uncalled for.
- Eat me.

- You just earned
another citation.
- Fuck off!

Well, well, well.

Look who we have here.

Damn, this bike
phat as hell.

Whoa, whoa,
hey, don't touch.
Okay, all right.

Leave the bike alone.
Did you just call me fat?

And what is that stench?

That's my cologne.
Cannabi For Men.

I don't know what that is.
Forewarning, gentlemen.

You better watch your mouths
and your behinds.

I'm looking for the Ecstasy.
I'm looking for the pot.

Oh, yeah. I'm looking
for those 'shrooms.

- We looking
for that shit, too!
- Hell yeah.

- What are you talking about?
- Same thing you
talking about.

- What are we talking about?
- Look, Gerald,

either you're holding,
or you can get on your roadster
and move the fuck on.

It's Volunteer Officer
Picklestein.

And I am watching you.
Oh, I'm watching you.

Like a hawk.

Like a hawk!

Somebody needs a hug.

Don't worry, baby,
you can suck my dick
after class.

Oh, wow!
She wants me.

Welcome to Lovell House.
You look funky fresh.

And funky fresh always likes
funky fresh women.

"Amir, professional student,
resident advisor for you."

And professional player.

So what's mine is yours,
and what's yours...

I've probably already had.

You and you and me,
we're the same.

Africa tan.

The original man
was like us, man.

Whatever, nigger.

I believe in the Fly Club
and its traditions
and its ideals.

I believe in the Fly--
Excuse me?

Do you have
to play that so loud?
I'm studying my pledge book.

This Niggaz With Attitude.

If you smart,
you tell people
you love NWA.

They think you cool.

Why do you wear
smelly eggs?

These eggs are part
of my pledging.

I am getting thousands
of lifetime connections here.

I'm going to be a part
of a fraternity.

- Hey!
- Hey!

Whassup, whassup?

- Oh God.
- One glove, my brothers!

I am Tuan,
child prodigy.

I'm Jamal,
a pothead.

Silas, entre-po-negro.

Jamal!
Fresh gear, man!

- You like?
- Yeah!

I designed it myself.
I call it Bufu.

- Bufu?
- Oh, no, not you two.

Please.

Fake-ass Paul Bunyan plaid,
pussy shirt wearing--

Man, I'll fuck your ass up.
Shut up.

Okay, but if you two
are our roommates,

who's that?

That's "I Need Money."
Goddamn.

Okay, but what's his name?

I Need Money.

Doesn't talk,
how come he?

I need money?
He's a mute.

When we first hooked up,
he wrote on a slip of paper,

"I need money."

I said, "Shit, me too."

And we started making it
together after that.

- Where he staying?
- Harvard.

Lovell House.
Second floor,

right on the couch.

He's smoking in our room.
That's not legal.

Just be cool,
and you might have
some fun this semester.

- Stupid.
- Whoo-wee.

NWA? Kid,
what you know about that?

Yeah, I love
Niggaz With Attitude.

Nobody, I repeat nobody,

drops the N-bomb
up in here.

- Nobody.
- That go for you, too.

Hey, I am
down with you, man.

You East coast.
I Far East coast.

I'm from Wisconsin.

Yo, fresh and funky.

Dean Cain wants
to see you in his office.

Don't be late.

Gentlemen,
this institution

has graduated countless
Fortune 500 CEOs.

41 Nobel laureates,
and six Presidents.

Hey, Dean, where's
all the fly-ass women

the Chancellor was
talking about?

So far, I only seen
some stuck-up,

nerdy-ass looking
women out.

You were dropping Cheetos

on an original 18th century

hand woven tapestry!

You mean this carpet?

This is out
of my personal collection.

I got this
in my travels to Nepal!

I know the bitch
that makes these rugs.

- You know Wynena--
- I remember that bitch.

It means the world to me.

Now, as I was saying,

here at Harvard,
we have very high standards.

Any student
on a scholarship

must maintain at least
a 2.0 average

or you will be expelled.

It's good to know
we have the support
of the faculty.

And don't you worry.
Me and Jamal here?

- We're all about good grades.
- Is that right, Mr. King?

Hell motherf--
I mean, yes, sir,
Dean Cain, sir.

♪ Slam!
Du-da-da, du-da-da ♪

♪ Let the boyz be boyz ♪

♪ Slam!
Du-da-da, du-da-da ♪

♪ Let the boyz be boyz... ♪

How is carbon dioxide
changed into oxygen?

- Plants, dick!
- Guys!

Jamal, Jamal,
Jamal.

Sleepyhead,
wake up.

I got something
for your ass.

♪ Du ♪

♪ Du hast ♪

♪ Du hast mich... ♪

♪ Du ♪

♪ Du hast ♪

♪ Du hast mich ♪

♪ Du hast mich ♪

♪ Du hast mich gefragt ♪

♪ Du hast mich gesagt ♪

♪ Wilst du bis der
tod euch scheidet ♪

♪ Treu ihr sein fur
alle tage. ♪

Come on, gentlemen!
Pick it up if you want
to be part of this squad!

Taxi!

Woo, what took
you all guys so long?

Coach, I've not lost
an oar run in three years.

- I'm wondering
if this guy cheated.
- Cheated?

Man, fuck you!

Why is fucking Dick Butt-kiss
always riding me?

Dick Butt-kiss?
Did you hear that, Coach?
He's cursing!

Bart, I think you better
go open up the boathouse.

- But Coach!
- Bart!

I don't think
you want to see this.

You... here.

Come here.

Come here.

Nice comeback
on the Dick Butt-kiss.

I wish I could've
said that.

His parents have been
driving me crazy,

making my life a misery
for years.

But they give lots of money.
I have to go to those lousy
cocktail parties.

She has lousy perfume
and he has a lousy toupee.

You keep throwing
zingers to this jerk-off,

and you're going
to make the team, son.

And let that be
a lesson to you!
This is the last time!

All right, rookies!
Push-ups!

Get down!

Yo, yo, yo.
What's up with
the fast stroll?

- Can I holler?
- Hi.

The role played
by the African-Americans

in the history
of this country

has been largely
unnoticed.

Of course, history is

the record
of an account of the past.

But the issue here is,
who is recording the account?

If it's Snowflake,
Whitey, Paleface,

Peckerwoods,
Cracker--

we got Cleopatra
looking like Elizabeth Taylor.

Jesus looks like
a hippie in a dashiki.

But if it's one
of my proud black people

that's doing the recording
of the account--

Yo, Silas!

We might have Moses
looking like

this fine black man
right here.

I'm sore as a motherfucker.

Who invented
the air conditioner?

A black man.

What's up, dogs?

Yo, son, I'm sore
as a bitch in heat.

And you know what else?
I'm going to have

to knock that Bart character
the fuck out.

Once again,
a black man.

Can't this wait
till after class?

You supposed
to be in here, anyway.
This is black history.

Black history? It look like
all the black students

that was in here
are history.

- Shh!
- Are you telling me
to "shh"?

See what I mean?
Fuck history.

- That's right.
Fuck history.
- Yeah, fuck history.

Mr. Moses, I expect you'll be
ready for your quiz tomorrow?

Quiz my ass.
A white man teaching
black history, anyway.

That's some bullshit.
I'm going to lunch and take
a nice long shit.

That's the kind of attitude
I like to hear.

And where are you going?

We didn't land on Plymouth Rock.
Plymouth Rock landed on us.

Ooh, all right!
Malcolm X!

I'm glad someone's
appreciating the knowledge

I'm trying
to drop on you today.

Why don't you two walk out
in protest with your brothers?

Walk out on me.
What are you doing
sitting there?

You look like Whitey,
like a couple of goddamn
Uncle Toms.

Walk on out!
That's right!

Get up and move!
You should lynch me!

Lynch me for what my people
have done to your people.

♪ Stand up for your rights! ♪
Move on up! Move on up!

Come on.

Go, go, go, go.

Hey, what's up?

Ahh, stop!

♪ Bicycle, bicycle... ♪

- What's going on here?
- They stole my baby!

Stop!
Bring my baby back!

Not the hill,
not the hill!

Oh, God, no!
Baby, I almost got you!

♪ ...bicycle, bicycle ♪

♪ Bicycle, bicycle,
bicycle... ♪

Oh no!
Oh my God!

My wheel!
Oh, oh!

Oh, my horn!

Hey, you!
Where's Elm and Third?

What?

That's not yours!

No, don't put him in--
oh, my baby!

Can anyone tell me
the name of this plant?

Bart?

Yeah, it's a hanging
rubber plant.

It's indigenous
to the wet drylands
of the northern hemisphere.

Yeah right, Bart.
Would you bet money on that?

Or is that like below
the Dooster principle?

Yeah, I'll bet on it.
How 'bout an SUV?

I got three of 'em.

And the survey says,
ehhh, you lose.

It's a neem plant,
Professor.

Oui.
Yes.

But how did
you know that, Silas?

I had this nasty-ass
rash once.

I put a little bit
of neem plant on it,

it cleared it up in an hour.
I even smoked it before.

That figures.

One thing it doesn't
cure, though--

being a spoiled
little bitch.

I'd like you all to do
an experiment on a plant.

Something that...
may benefit mankind.

And if you devise
something groundbreaking,

I guarantee you
an "A" in this course.

Okay, class dismissed.
Good work, everyone.

- Thank you.
- Nice. Keep up
the good work.

So, he likes plants,
does he?

I see still waters
run deep.

Please believe.
But wait till you see
my presentation.

You going to love me
after that.

Lauren, you might
as well tell him now

and get it
over with.

- What?
- You know,

how you're starting to see Bart
for the shallow bastard he is,

and eventually you're going
to leave his ass for me.

Holler.

This semester
in women's studies,

we will discuss how women are
objectified in popular culture

while the masculine bastards

exploit women's ideas
for great profit,

then take all the credit.

Jamal?

You have
the most amazing...

penis.

Yes, I do.

♪ And I'm gonna kiss you,
suck you, taste you ♪

♪ Ride you, feel you
deep inside me, ooh... ♪

- Hell yeah.
- Aaah.

So you're playing
grabby-ass again, huh?

- Ma?
- Did you wash
your ass today?

Ah! Ah! Damn, Ma!
Stop, Ma! Stop!

You high yet?
I don't know.
Maybe not high enough.

Where the hell is he?

Maybe I ain't hit it
hard enough.

What are you doing?
Dropping your kids off
at the pool?

Oh, shit.

What's up, J?
Give me five.

I hate it
when you do that.

I love doing that.
That shit is funny.

What took you so long?

Biggie and Pac, man.
They throwing a party.

Open bar all night!

Everything was cool
till Marvin Gaye came
in there tripping.

- Marvin Gaye?
- Yeah.

- We got a test
in about five minutes.
- Word.

What that got to do with me?
I know you ready.

- I know you studied for it.
- Ready? We ain't studied--

- Come on.
- You got a golden opportunity
to make something of yourself.

And you just throwing it away?
It's time for you to learn
a lesson.

- Come on, Ive.
- I'm out, man.

Ive! Don't play! Ive!

- Talk to your boy.
- Why'd you tell him
we ain't studied?

- Damn all that!
- You should've thought
of that before you--

Whassup?!
I'm just fucking
with you, man.

- This is bullshit.
- This is some good shit, man.

You know you my boy.

"C," Silas.
Come on, man.
The Portugese.

1863. That's "B."

J, what are you doing?
1961.

- "B?"
- Trust me on this,
I got all the answers.

You just told me
that goddamn answer.

"A." French.
That be the French.

Goddamn virgins.
At least you all
being entertained.

I ain't seen a stitch of pussy
on this whole campus.

The chickens are not
clucking around here.

You've come
to the right place.

I've been an undergrad
for 12 years.

I know everything there is
to know about Ivy League women.

12 years?

Damn, kid.
Your people paying
for all this shit?

A drop in the bucket, sucka.

I remain here
solely for the purpose

of hooking up
with Harvard women.

Short ones, tall ones,

skinny ones, chunky ones.

I love me a fat chick, man.

More cushion
for the pushin'.

Yes. I want to boldly go
where no man has gone before.

I'm an explorer.

I see you are very much liking
to explore STDs also, my friend.

That shit on your lip
got some shit on its lip.

Is that why no puff-puff?

Pass the dutchie,
my friends.

This is nothing.
I cut myself shaving.

Yeah, whatever.

We need to start
importing some hos.

Molly, get in here,
you have to see this!

Oh my,
look at those muscles.

- He is quite attractive.
- Indeed.

I think there's some freak
in those geeks.

- Yeah.
- Here you go.

Ooh. Don't get
the wrong idea.

We've never done
anything like this before.
We're virgins.

- Virgins?
- Mm-hmm.

- No, you're not.
- Yes, we are.

- Nah, nah.
- Yes.

No, no, no.

Yes, yes, yes.

No, no, no.

Yes, yes, yes!

♪ Why do good girls
like bad guys? ♪

Bro', you got
change for a $20?

♪ Hey, yo, boo, why do
good girls like bad guys ♪

♪ Knowing that bad guys
tell mad lies? ♪

♪ And why do dog niggers
want a honey with class? ♪

♪ Sometimes you want more
than just a honey with ass ♪

♪ Hey yo, who would ever think
that the two would go good? ♪

- Histo-ray!
- Got a "A plus," my nigger.

Oooh, ooh.
Who is that?

That is all me, G.

That's the Vice President's
daughter.

As in Vice President
of the United States.

What? Jamal,
you don't want that.

Them girls only know
three words--

stop, no, and don't.

Uh-uh, my brother.
You got those words backwords.

They always tell me,
"No, don't stop."

- Excuse me.
- Player, player.

Whoo-whee, I'm taking
this ass up right here. Shit.

♪ She's got
this long black hair ♪

- Damn!
- ♪ It's a hanging on
down her back ♪

♪ Long black pretty legs ♪

♪ And she walks
just like a cat ♪

♪ Hypnotic eyes
and a stacked up love sack ♪

♪ She not only wants
your love ♪

♪ She wants your life
after that, don't do it ♪

♪ Don't give your love
to sexy Ida ♪

♪ 'Cause she's the sister
of a black widow spider. ♪

Sorry, sir,
Jaime isn't accepting
any male callers at this time.

I ain't calling.
I'm right here.

Cedric,
step aside.

Whoo-whee!

- What's your name?
- I'm Jamal.

You ever been
arrested, Jamal?

Uh... no.

Ever busted up
your mother's house,

- then slapped her
when she asked you about it?
- Hell no. You crazy?

You ain't my type.

Wait a minute, wait, wait!

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

I once got arrested
for stealing a car one time.

But my mother
dropped the charges.

It's not a felony,
but maybe we can
work with that.

Yo.

Shit, I didn't mean
to scare you.

- I'm--
- Can I come in?

Sure, come on in.

Let me...
move my things.

There you go.
You can sit there.

Thank you.
How very thoughtful.

You'll have
to pardon my dust.

I've got a lot of artifacts
and delicate things down here.

What's this shit?

- Looks old.
- It is old.

It's over 200 years old.

I, um, sort of
discovered it.

You discovered
all this crazy shit.

You're a straight up
genius, girl.

Well, I don't know
about all that.

Um... I do know
it's Ben Franklin's.

I just don't know
what it is.

But I was thinking
that it could be

like this old
revolutionary cannon.

Or a telescope.
Or um...

Whatever it is,
this shit is hot.

Let me ask you
something.

Yeah.

How'd you hook up
with that Bart dude?

I've known Bart
all my life.

And if it weren't
for his family,

I probably wouldn't
be here.

Well, isn't that
sweet.

Ah-ha!

Bart, honey.
Sweetie.

You are
just in time

because I've just
finished studying.

- Studying?
- Yeah.

I didn't know the two of you
were studying in here...

alone...

with the lights dim...

drinking beer?!

Look Silas,
I know what you're
trying to do, okay?

You're trying
to frick her.

Whatever, Bartkowski.
Um, listen,

I was just admiring
your girl's thing.

Well, I guess
I should say thanks.

This is a part
of history, man.

Your girl is doing
something I think

- you need to recognize.
- Yeah. So?

Listen, I'm out.

Maybe next time
I'll get to study
with you.

- Peace.
- Peace is meant to explain
a state of tranquility.

Okay? So, why don't
you try thinking
of another way

to say goodbye now
that you're amongst
civilized people.

Well, Mr. Civilized,

peace can also be used
interjectionally

as a request, greeting,
or farewell.

So, try to find another way
to be an asshole

if you don't know
your grammar, that is.

Peace.

Okay, Bart!

God, can I get my stuff?

Sheesh.

Yes.

It was near
the medical library.

I think they said
it was one of those,

tick-tocky, blow-upy,
exploding thing-- thingy,

pipebomb thing--
things.

Yeah. Yeah.

Thank you.
You, too.

All righty. Bye.

Dooster principle,
my ass.

Mm-hmm.

Man, my grandmother loved
this shit in her garden.

Lasso, boys.

Yee-hah!

Timber!

That statue
is priceless.

It means everything
to our family.

Will you stop your damn
sniveling, son?

Buck up, Bart.

Buck up!

Yo, do you think
they gonna find out

we stole
the Dooster statue?

Hell, no.

Oh, my God!
I knew it.

You guys stole
the Dooster.

They do what?

Fellas, I think
it's time

we all sat down
and kicked it.

No, no.
I'm not kicking
anything.

I have a pledge meeting
to go to,

and I still haven't
greased myself up.

God, I just don't
get you guys.

There's a lot
of things in life

your ass
just don't get.

Yeah, like pussy
and respect.

I heard that.

See, the system is geared

to put most of the wealth
into the hands of a few.

The rich weapons,
poor schoolin'.

Yeah, for sure, nigger.

- Yeah, for sure.
- Y'all don't know shit.

I'm a' learned you,
though.

I'm a' learned ya.

Dwarves, midgets,

motherfuckin' unicorns--

them motherfuckers
don't want to see

a black man make it.

- Yeah.
- You know
what I mean?

- For sure.
- You know?

And I'll tell you
something else.

For sure.

Word up,
young MC.

You're just in time
to help cheer us
to victory.

Young MC.

Bart, you know,
I think you keep getting
funnier every day.

You ain't gonna be laughing
in a minute.

Jamal.

Bart, I've decided
since you and Jamal

are my two best athletes,

I want you up against Yale.

You can't just change
the line-up!

- That's against the rules!
- What rules? Who cares?

Do you guys care
about the rules?!

- No.
- There you go.

On your mark,

get set...

and they're off.
It's a clean start.

What are you doing,
hip-hop hooray? Paddle!

Paddle like a man!

Shoot the J.
Get jiggy with it.
Something!

They're blowing Harvard's ass
out of the water.

Jamal, what's your ass doing
rowing a boat?

You're supposed to be
in class.

Who the hell is that woman
in the sky?!

- I don't know.
- What's the matter?

You been smoking
too much ganja, huh?

She's huge!

I guess you might
as well come back home

and live with me.

Oh hell, no!

- Did you cuss at me?
- Row, motherfucker! Row!

Yes, Dean Cain.

Am I to believe
this is correct?

Jamal and Silas
have gotten all A's?

I'll call you back.

How you doing, Dean?

How you doing?
How you been?

I see you checking out
my gear, right?

- It's pretty tight, right?
- No, actually,

- it's rather baggy.
- No, no, man.

It's phat, it's dope,
it's cool, it's bufu.

Bill, what has happened
to you?

Sit down and take off
those glasses.

All righty.

Tell me,
how's Jamal doing?

Fine. Very well.
He's coming along.

Now listen,
Jaime's father is having
an upcoming election.

And it won't look good
if she was to be involved

with someone
from the lower class.

Isn't Jaime a freshman?

All right,
so you want me

to tell Jamal
to stop seeing Jaime.

He'll just tell me,
"Hey, man--

Fuck you. Fuck you.
Fuck you.

Point well taken.

I need you to help me
get proof

that Jamal
is diddling Jaime.

Oh, I see now.

Yes, it's all good.

Yeah, I'll go holler
at him, son.

Bill, Bill.

Did you
just call me son?

Word.

Word?

Stroke, smoke,

stroke, smoke,

stroke, smoke,

stroke, smoke,

stroke, smoke--

If Dean Cain think he can
kick me out the school
that easy,

he got another
thing coming.

- What an asshole.
- Hey, Coach, thanks a lot.

I owe you.

- Ooh.
- Listen, Jaime,

me and you cannot
see each other no more.

No more dating,
no more fooling around.

None of that!
It stops. That's it.

Yes, it's probably better

if we stop seeing each other

for the sake
of my father's campaign.

If he lost the election
and it was my fault,

gosh-golly,

that would be
so hard on me.

I don't think
I could live
with myself.

But baby,
maybe it'd be better

if you went to school
somewhere down south.

I think you should
go down south first.

This guy's a real asshole.

I can't.

I can't do it,
all right?

If you don't bring
your ass on--

We got work to do
before Dean Dickhead
gets back.

Come on.

Aren't you worried
about getting kicked out?

For this?
He ain't never gonna
find out. Relax.

What happen to bird?
Crazy shitting everywhere?

Crazy shit, all right.

And it will be everywhere.

With that
they just won't shit.

- Yeah.
- They're gonna blow up.

And as for you two,

ever since you arrived
on this campus,

there's been several mishaps.

Now, my instincts
tell me it's you,

but I can't prove it.
Not yet.

But I know
if I give you enough time,

pretty soon you're going
to slip up.

And then I'll be able
to send you back

to your miserable
existence.

What the hell
are you wearing?

Bufu!

Bufu?

By us, fuck you.

Get out!
Out, out, out...

By us, fuck you.

If the chancellor's
throwing a Halloween party,

wait till Harvard
see our Halloween party.

Yeah, but if Dean Cain
find out about this shit,

he gonna be mad
as a motherfucker.

What the fuck
is he gonna do?

We got the Ivory,
getting straight A's.

We got this
motherfucker locked!

They look like
they got money.

They kinda cute.

Girl, we gonna
get paid.

- How you doing?
- For real.

- End-table ass!
- Hella back.

Where the party at?
We trying to get a party on
and stuff.

We having a party.

Costume party
at the Lovell house.

- Ooh.
- 11:00 pm.

Please, bring your ass
and titties along with ya.

We want all the hos
out here to come.

Wait a minute.
Did you just call us hos?

I meant that
in a good way.

- Oh.
- Oh, okay.

Here. Now, bring all
your horny friends.

There you go.
Bring all the hos.

Y'all gonna pay us, right?

I don't hear nothing.

Yo, we got dough.
Talk to 'em.

Yeah, yeah.
We got dough.

If not, our best friends
got dough.

And if not,
their best friends
got dough.

Okay, yeah.
We down with that.

Ass, titties, ballers.

Ballers, girl!

- Okay, all right.
- Ballers, all right.

Whoo.

Popcorn player.

I got one more
delivery to make.

Guess who used
to be black?

Oh, Dean Cain.
But he is black.

Like a polar bear.

But I got a recipe
that'll inject

some ghetto back
in his ass.

Got some more beer.

What did you do
to yourself?

Oh, oh.
The fox club.

They put me
in a shopping cart

and shoved me down
a hill.

Thank God I fell out
before I hit the freeway.

What the fuck are you doing?
Put the milk back.

You're not supposed
to steal from us!

Why are you always
taking violent tones
with people?

Man, shut up before
I kick your ass!

You know,
as human beings

we should be able
to talk this out,

not resort
to violence.

How you gonna talk
when you shutting up?

- Fine! Fine!
- You want some violence?!

You want a piece of this?
Come on!

I'll show you some violence!
Well, come on!

Ow, ow, ow,
ow, ow!

Oh, God!

Now, go to time-out.

Go to your room.

I wonder
who this could be.

Oh, my goodness.

Honey, look at this.

I wonder who these
are from?

"Dear Carl,
saw these and thought of you.

Love, Mrs. Ray."

It's my old school mum!

I haven't heard
from her in years.

Oh, how sweet.

She knows
I love brownies.

Mmm.
A little piece
of heaven.

Better than mine?

Darling, I don't remember
you cooking brownies.

You're right.
I don't.

Hurry up, you're going
to make us late.

You know how I hate
to be late.

- Hurry, hurry, hurry.
- All right.

I'll take these upstairs.

I'll have another.

They're great.

Throw me a beer,
you big weenie!

Whoo!

Lovell house!

Cypress Hill.
What up, fellas?

What's up, man?

- How was the trip?
- Good. Good.

I see Muggs
couldn't make it,

so I brought my man,
I need money.

- Is he any good?
- Yeah, he don't talk.

He speak with his hands.
Know what I mean?

- Right, right, right.
- You have a good show.

Hey, hey.

Don't fuck up tonight,
all right?

Hey, what the fuck
is the plate for, man?

It's gonna be a long night.

- Carl.
- Philip.

- How are you?
- Wonderful.

You know Miss Janowitz
from the chemistry department.

And Miss Lovell
from administration.

- You know my wife, Sheila.
- Almost didn't recognize you.

I thought you brought
a professional model
to the party.

- You look lovely.
- Oh, Philip.

Yeah, the bitch is fine,
ain't she?

What?

Dear, can you at least
feign some interest?

You're embarrassing me.

And will you loosen up?
You're so stiff sometimes.

Stiff?

This party is stiff.

Excuse me,
can you hold this?
I'm hot.

Can you put this
back on, actually?

Your-- your butt
is sticking out.

What?

What a jerk!

- Don't spoil your appetite.
- We're about to have

some lobster bisque
and Indian pudding.

I got the munchies
like a motherfucker.

Hold this, baby.

He seems unusual tonight.

He's dehydrated.

Dance.

Yo, baby,
this is boring as hell!

Yo, yo, yo, DJ?!

Hit me!

Come here, girl!

Go, Dean!

See, I told you
I have you covered.

There go the two big ballers
right there.

- You two stay put.
- I'm going to hurt you.

Hey, hey, hey...

Yo, J, yo, T.

See those two fine-ass
hos right there?

Don't you wish
they were really hos?

And they came over here
and said,

"We want to run
a dick-sucking marathon

with y'all two."

- Oh, yeah.
I'd like that.
- Me, too.

Okay, you and you.

We want to run a dick-sucking
marathon with y'all.

Okay.

I'm not that good at it.

Oh, baby, I ain't laughing.

I'm gonna make you mine.

Smells good.

Pretty boy lookin'
motherfucker.

Hey, don't be scared.

It's only pussy.

Don't be scared.

I got two inches
of hard dick.

I'll work with you, baby.
Come on.

Costume party.

Place, Lovell house.
Time, Friday.

- It is Friday.
- That's what she told
Cocoa Butter.

These bitches better be
getting my money.

Hella back is
my bottom bitch.
You know that, right?

- Right, right.
- Okay.

The bitch better be
out here checkin' my money.

Please don't cuss.
You know when I'm trying

to listen to the word.
The Lord don't like that.

- What did I say?
- You said, "bitch."

and "bitch" ain't
in the Bible.

I know, bitch!
And neither is motherfucker!

So drive
this motherfuckin' car!

And you the assistant pimp.

You ain't even
a real pimp.

You're supposed to co-signing
to the shit that I say.

You want to lose your job?
I'm gonna pull your application.

Now let's practice it.
Where's my bitches?

- Where's my bitches?
- Where's my bitches?

You got to say it together.
It goes in together.

- Where my bitches?
- Where my bitches?

Okay, check this out.
Where my bitches?

Where my--
can't we just say
employees?

What about your employees?
No, fuck that.

Great ass!

♪ Bounce up just
like weed on your chest ♪

♪ Think you got endo,
hold your breath ♪

♪ Spittin' on the track
with red and meth ♪

♪ Holdin' up a fat
when you smoke a cassette ♪

♪ Or CDs, we be
the one with ouijas ♪

♪ Spread it on the arm,
come on believe me ♪

♪ Look who it is,
the funky feel ♪

♪ Smokin' assassin
from Cypress Hill ♪

♪ DJ T
just resonated ♪

Go, go, go!

- Silas, hi.
- Hey, hey.

Let me ask you
a question.

Now, don't laugh.

But, um...

does my ass
look fat?

No, I say put another one
on the front of you
just like it,

I'll slap both them
motherfuckers.

Badow! Badow!

Here, peer pressure.
Peer pressure.

- Let me holler at you.
- Okay.

Oh, that's my song.

Ooh, what's this?

Ooh, you got
a big sword, baby.

I--

I have to go prepare.

You ain't got
to do shit, baby,

except climb out
of this costume

and climb
into some pussy.

You have to appreciate
the colorful use

- of English language.
- Oh, yeah!

Give me that Chinese
egg roll fuck.

I love America!

♪ Rhymes we kick
and weed we pour ♪

♪ Get you vatos
all fucked up ♪

♪ And sing along
to my get high song ♪

♪ Had you chokin'
on four-foot bong ♪

♪ Cypress Hill and weed,
can't go wrong ♪

♪ Keep you smokin'
like Cheech and Chong. ♪

Let it be something
that he is involved in,

and I'd better be
the biggest cheerleader.
He's a huge baby.

Yeah, I hear you
with your fine ass,
but pass the blunt.

Damn, you hogging
the whole shit.

I'm sorry.

I must be buzzed,
I'm babbling.

You know,
you surprised me
by getting high.

I'm not that much
of a square, Silas.

I did do it once
in high school.

What about you?

We all have secrets.

Well, if you act right,

I might just let you
in my head one day.

Whatever.

But I ain't saying shit
on the first date.

Who said this was a date?

You smoked my weed,
didn't you?

And we almost kissed,
didn't we?

- We did not.
- Yes, we did.

- We did not.
- Here, hit this.

Oh, my bad.
Did I spoil the moment?

I can't help it, though.
Them shits was talking to me.

You know what?

Look at them things.
Turn the headlights off.

I'm gonna tell you something.
This pimpin' that I got
in my blood,

it came from a family trait.

My grandaddy was a pimp.

My great-great-great
grandaddy was a pimp.

I'm talking about pimpin'
been since pimpin'

since been pimpin'.

- It's in your bloodline.
- It's in my blood.

- And you will never be that.
- Wh-- what?

Because you was born,
all the people

in your family
were assistant pimps.

Assistant pimp?
I never did tell you that.

I thought you was the one
the Lord chose.

If it had not been
for the Lord,

I wouldn't have not

had a bitch come
into my life.

- Not now, never?
- Not a now, notha bitch.

Nobody say that now,
nothing like you say
that now notha.

Not a now, notha bitch.

And I still don't know
what that shit means,

but it sound good.

Now notha means,

"don't get a now nothin'."

- A now nothin'.
- Nothin' outta them.

Man, shut the fuck up
and drive this mother--

I apologize, Father.

♪ Y'all gonna make me
lose my mind ♪

♪ Up in here,
up in here ♪

♪ Y'all gonna make me
go all out ♪

♪ Up in here,
up in here ♪

♪ Y'all gonna make me
act a fool ♪

♪ Up in here,
up in here ♪

♪ Y'all gonna make me
lose my cool ♪

Raging party
with open beer cans
in hallway.

What's this?

Sterilize hands tonight.

Sterilize hands tonight
with anti-bacterial cream
many times.

What do we have here?

Nothing.

Ah-ha!

Multi-socket
extension cubes.

This is against campus
fire code,

section 1743:

"Thou shall not allow
multi-socket extension cubes

use in dorm rooms.

The extension cords themselves
are intertwined

in the most flammable
of ways,

and are producing
an immense amount of heat.

It could cause an ignition
at any point--"

♪ I smack him with my dick
and the mic ♪

♪ Y'all niggaz is characters,
not even good actors ♪

♪ What's gonna be the outcome?
Let's add up all the factors ♪

♪ You wack, you're twisted,
your girl's a ho ♪

♪ You're broke,
the kid ain't yours... ♪

I'll be damned.
What is that?

It's--

this a baby.

This ain't
no damn baby.

What kind of shit
is that hangin'
out the back?

I need to get her home.
Excuse me.

Where you going
with that?

- Come on.
- God damn.

♪ Y'all gonna make me
act a fool ♪

♪ Up in here,
up in here... ♪

Where them motherfuckin'
bitches at?

Man, it smell like--

Look at that,
look at this little
bitty bitch.

Hey, little bitty bitch.

You little bitch,
you better get up off of me!

Where's my bitches?

Yo, what's up,
homie?

- Where's my bitches at?
- Where're our bitches?

You got
the voice down,

but those outfits
no good.

What's wrong
with my shit?

Homie, puh-lease!
Your Halloween costume!

If you pimp,
you broke pimp!

You know you're fucked up,
Woody, don't you?

- Come on with it.
- Baby powder?

You changing diapers?

What the fuck
is all this?

- What you all
three bitches want?
- Tell 'em, Powder!

We already got pussy here.
Y'all come back later.

I'm about to knock you
the fuck out.

I'm gonna do
the knockin' out.
Come on with it.

Where you going?

You got to stay!

A party ain't
a party without you!

You smelly little mother--

Plus, there's no room
in the limo!

I'll be back
for you, man!

You ain't
gonna need this.

Cops!

Somebody owes me
for a night's worth

of flat-back fuckin'
up in here!

This is exhilarating.
But don't get the wrong idea.

Megan and I have never done
anything like this before.

- We're virgins.
- Yeah, both of us.

Molly and I are
really into Diangelo.

- Do you have any?
- Ain't that a bi--

Hell, no!
We ain't got no Diang--

And let me
let you know something!

While in this car,
you don't run shit!

- Tell 'em, Powder.
- Dick drives this car!

Not pussy!

You think it's funny, bitch?!
This is pimpin' here.

I've been on
"Wheel Of Fortune,"

"Price Is Right--"
it's funny?

- Come on with it.
- Oh, boy.

Y'all rather piss off
barracuda than piss off Powder.

Oh, it's funny.
Keep on laughing.

Bring your face
over here.

Pay that shit!

Wow.

Ooh.

- Man, come on.
- You act like I took it.

- We'll just get some more.
- Ain't no more.

All of Ivory's ashes
was in just that plant.

Now, come on,
let's go see

what this Dean
Stick-Up-His-Ass wants.

He probably gonna
curse us out about
that wild-ass party.

Man, that party
was not that wild.

Yeah, it did get
a little out of hand.

Know what I'm saying?

Sex novelties, obscenity,

fighting, indecent exposure,

rock bands without a permit.

Welcome, gentlemen,
to academic probation.

Damn, who gonna be
our O.O.?

How charmingly ghetto.

You're dismissed.

We ain't got no Ivory,

we're about to get kicked
the fuck out of here,

and what the fuck
are you doing?

I'm working on
my truth serum.

Why you got to sound
all belligerent
about my shit?

- "Belligerent"?
- Yeah, belligerent.

As in abusive
or truculent.

You keep on using them
big-ass Harvard words

and your ghetto pass
is gonna get revoked.

Why don't you go
pick up a book
or something?

If I get this shit right,

I'll get an "A"
in botany class.

- Ah, motherfucker.
- When I was 12,

I used to love watching
my dogs hump.

We used to have
a good time.

Aaah!

God, this shit is nasty.

Aaah!

What the fuck is that?

I'm going to have
to tweak this shit a little.

Me hungry.

I say we burn them books,
go to that graveyard,

find us a smart dead guy,

and smoke
his skeleton ass.

We sit down, blaze up,

hit the books
for a few hours a day,

we got this.

I'm telling you,
we don't need no
smart dead guy.

Woo hoo hoo hoo.

That's what I'm
talking about.

Light that shit up.

Hit them books, toonie.

These are our midterms?

See what I'm saying?
All F's, son.

We are fucked.
Fucked fucked
fucked fucked!

How did I fail
women's studies?

I love bitches!

What are we doing?

Looking for a smart
dead guy.

Well, guys. Hey!
This guy'll do.

He's a President.

Yeah, he should know
all the fucking answers.

Answers?
What are you talking about?

Oh, no, no, no, no!
Wait, no, no!

You can't dig up
somebody's grave!
That's disgusting!

You guys don't think
there's anything
wrong with this?

Huh?

You guys are fucked up!
What are you gonna do
with this now?

What the fuck is this shit?

Oh God.

Stop acting like
a little bitch.
Get the body.

Shit.

What the fuck
are you doing?

Get the body, man.

You should have some more
respect for an ex-President.

Asshole.

Come on, put this shit
on your back.

Oh God, no.

Shut up before I slap
the shit out of you!

Come on, come on,
come on.

Oh my God, it's so--

Fly!

Go fly!

Yo, Silas!
What's up, dog?

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Who are you?
Can you see me?

- Relax! Relax!
- It's not opening.
Open window!

Yo, what the fuck
are we gonna do now?

Fuck you think
we gonna do?

We gonna smoke his ass,
then we gonna start
asking questions.

Wait a minute.

Didn't you put
the ashes in the soil

before you grew
the plant?

We ain't got no time
for that shit.

We got to grind him now.
Get this on.

No, no, no, no.
Wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait!

This is a President, man.

What the fuck
are we doing?

You want to stay
in Harvard or what?

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

I need money,
did you check him
for any jewelry

or money on him
or anything?

Fuck all that!
I'm cutting this arm now!

Son of a-- shit!

Get the arm!
Get the arm, man!

Y'all calm down!
We got this!

- Calm down!
- This is insane.

Ohh, shit!

You is a nasty motherfucker!

I can't smoke a finger.

This shit's not working.

Hey, what up, bro's?

I didn't know that you guys
were gonna be here!

I saved your plant.

What did you do to it?

This is a special plant.

I know.

- You stole our plant!
- Damn right he stole
your plant.

Yo, Silas, this idiot
smoked up all the plant!

You're gonna have
to study on your own.

Damn, they can't
hear me or see me.

- Tell 'em!
- S-S-Someone else
was breaking in here.

So I caught them.
Maybe you can give me
a reward, right?

- Like more of the plant?
- We ain't got no more
goddamn plant!

Hoggin' all
the good shit, huh?
That's fine.

Let's go, Ivory!

- Wait, Ivory here?
- Yeah, maybe.

- Repeat after me.
- Repeat after me.

- Yo, dog!
- Yo, zog!

- Dog!
- Zog!

- You idiot!
- You idiot!

- Shit, I'm disappearing.
- Shit, I'm disappearing.

- What?
- What?

- What?
- What?
- What?

This reminds me
of my lab back at the crib.

I have some
of this same stuff.

- How'd you get that?
- I stole it.

Why don't you just place them
on the wall there?

Well, well, well.

Never thought I'd find
you two ghetto asses
up in here studying.

Ghetto asses?

Oh, did I say that?

It must be the effects
of the brownies you sent me.

They must still
be in my system.

Lauren, how's
the project coming?

Fine.
As a matter of fact,

I'm going to check
on that right now.
You know, I got to go.

No, no, no, no, no.

Yo, Dean, why you got
to be a hater?

Oh, yes, I'm a hater.

I hate pot-smoking punks
that think everything

should just be
given to them.

You two are an absolute
disgrace to this university.

Yo, Dean, man.
What are those?

Oh, these?

These are invitations
to the alumni celebration

in which the Vice President
will be attending.

And Lauren will be
unveiling

her Benjamin Franklin
experiment.

- Ah.
- Certain students
will be invited.

Those that pass
their finals.

- For real?
- But you won't pass
your finals.

You'll fail, and then I'll
have you out of my hair

and out of Harvard.

Happy studying, gentlemen.

Fuck!

I'm trying to do my thing.
It's pimpin' over here, baby.

Baby Powder, when you gonna
pay us our money?

- I got a $25 money order--
- $25?

- Money order?
- That you bitches can split.

Who you calling
a bitch, bitch?

- Come on with it.
- I got ya.

Oh! If it ain't
Ricepuff Daddy.

No, no, Powder,
that's Run-MSG.

Hey, what you
listening to, brother?

- Wu-Tang.
- Wu-Tang.

♪ Wu-Tang,
I came to bring the pain... ♪

I-- we don't listen
to that Chinese shit!

- We do this little trip.
- This what we do.

- You guys!
- Show 'em, Powder!

- Powder, you a genius.
- You need to sit down.

I'm gonna round them
almond eyes of yours out!

- You understand me pimpin'?
- Hold on, Powder.

Let's not get ig'nant.
Maybe he just came here
to pay our money.

- No, I come for your girls.
- Wooo!

You're gonna come back
and give me them two
duck sauces your mama--

- You can't hold me back!
- Go Tuan!

Let me get
my stinkin' blade out.

Let me get my blade out.
I'm gonna--

- Ooh, shit!
- Come on, bee-atch.

Man, it was two egg rolls.
It wasn't the duck sauce.

Oooh! Ow!

Who the bitch now, bitch?

Bee-atch!

I need to slap
my goddamn self for that.

Pimps go through
this kind of shit
from time to time.

Yes, Dean Cain here.

Yes, I did receive them.
As a matter of fact,

I was just going over
Silas and Jamal's grades,

and I see they're all F's.

Yes, I agree.

Very sad.
Very sad, indeed.

Yes. Well,

I'll speak to you later.
Bye bye.

Yes! Yes! Yes!

Hey!

Dean Cain expects us
off campus by Monday.

It went that bad
in botany class?

Kid lost
about 15 pounds of fluid.

And that was
just from the mouth.

And I'm still below a 2.0.

We gonna get kicked
the fuck out this school.

Maybe I can go back
to being your manager,

and you strip
at that club again
like you used to.

No, you can't give up!
You can't let the dean win.

Did Commander Riker give up
when the Borg infiltrated
the Starship Enterprise

and Captain Picard came back
all half-robot?

The Borgs?
They're here!

Oh, God!
Run for your lives!

- The point is--
- My point is shut
the fuck up.

It's over.

And we outta here.
Washing my hands.

Silas, man,
you can't give up.

If you get
this botany grade changed,
they have to keep you.

Yeah. My--
my truth serum.

- Yeah.
- I got to fix it.

- That's right.
- Yo!

Here's your coffee.

Nausea.

Ah, Bart, nice to see you.

Listen, I think
I have a solution

to your little problem.

Oh, no. I already got
the prescription filled.

Zing!

Not that problem.

I'm talking about the boys.

Those rejects
have been rejected.

Yo, Dean Cain!
Look who's back.

Holler.

- Dean, what a surprise.
- Look who's here.

- How exciting.
- Guys we weren't
expecting you,

but you're right on time.

Let's go meet the next
likely leader of the free world.

What are you two
doing here?

Couldn't have
my future ex-wife

show up
to some bigwig event

without her daddy
on her arms.

- Ain't that right, baby?
- Right, Daddy.

Old friends, fellow alums,

it's wonderful
being back here at Harvard.

And I get to see
my beautiful daughter.

- Hi, honey.
- Hi, Daddy.

Daddy?
This is Jamal.

- Jamal, this is my dad.
- Ah-ha. Hello, Jamal.

Mr. President.
And I call you Mr. President

'cause I know
you gonna rock this election.

I hope you're right, son.
Uh-oh. Camera.

All right, Ivory,
this is the last of you.

Do your stuff.

- Ah!
- Oh, hey, Professor.

- What's going on?
- Nice to see you again.

Listen, tonight
I got a feeling you're gonna
see my experiment work.

I hope we don't have
to pass out any barf bags.

Don't even
worry about that.

See, I found
my secret ingredient.

By adding a little bit
of chro-- cannibis,

I was able
to counteract the nausea.

I'm proud of you.

Thank you, Professor.
Thank you, man.

- I actually feel wonderful.
- Isn't he great, Daddy?

Yeah. He's great.

Ow!

Secret Service!

Hey, Jamie, here's your dad
after a frat party!

We don't want the dean
to get his panties in a bunch!

- Carl, it's all right.
- He might want a spanking!

Sit down.

Wait a minute.

I know y'all ain't
playing grab-ass

while I'm entertaining
my future vanilla villa
father are ya?

- Yeah! Oh, yeah!
- Mm-hm. Yeah?

Man, look.
The serum working.
They high, dog! Look!

Hey, man, look.
I got something to tell you.

Man, I've been pinching
your weed off.

- What you telling me for?
- Damn! I don't know.

I guess it's
that new serum, man.
I'm sorry, man.

- That's okay.
Don't worry about it.
- It ain't all right.

I been taking your CDs,
I been using your weed pipes,

- I even been looking
at Lauren's ass.
- Whoa!

She's fine!
And if she gave me
the chance,

I would wax that ass
till she showed me
what she wa--

Whoa, whoa, bro.

Jamal, I will take that
as a compliment.

Thank you.

We all know that Harvard
has been honored to host

some of Benjamin Franklin's
artifacts,

which I personally found.

Like this cannon-like
article back here.

Now later,
you can take note

of the foot-operated
carburetor,

the reservoir,
and the top-loading bud bowl.

Ladies and gentlemen,

Harvard is now
the proud owner

of America's first...bong.

A bong?!

This is outrageous!

If Benjamin Franklin
were here today,

he would deny
and denounce

any claim to these
so-called findings!

I'm gonna have
to disagree on that.

Yo, Ben, tell this fool.
Is that a bong or what?

Yup, it's
the liberty bong.

Light that shit.

- Smoke that shit.
- Pass that shit.

- You got to come
to this party, Ben.
- You got a party?

Hey, man. Hey.

- Come on, man, smoke.
- Gerald!

Oh, yeah.

This is insane!

What are you all
laughing at?!

Dean, I have had it
with your uptight,

self-serving,
over-opinionated ass!

- Get him!
- In short, you are fired!

Oh, hit the bricks, dog!

♪ Get down
with my girlfriend ♪

♪ That ain't right ♪

♪ The big payback ♪

♪ Hollerin', cussin' ♪

♪ You wanna fight? ♪

- Silas!
- Jamal!

Yo, dog, man.
Look like you did it, dog.

You got a new serum, man.

You gonna be
an herbal scientist,
my brother.

- Me and you turned this place
upside down, didn't we?
- Did we!

Amazing what two brothers
from the PJ's

could do with just a little bit
of opportunity.

Word.

- Holler at ya, dog.
- I will.

Whoo!

Oh, Secret Service!

Wh-wh-whoa!
Dean, Dean, ease up
on the black-on-black crime.

Oh! This motherfucker
done messed up my shit!

Back up, nigga!
You better give me three feet!

Give me three feet!

Whoa!

Hey, get up.

Oh, cool.

- Take him away, boys.
- Take your hands off of me!

Do you realize who I am?
What are you looking at?!

I need money!
You talked!

Why yes, Jamal.

It is somewhat
of a surprise to me, also.

Lord, it's a gift!
It's a gift from above!

Make you float
like a dove!

Make you scream like Michael
in a rhinestone glove!

Lord, Lord, Lord.

Popcorn player.

I didn't inhale!
Whoo-hoo!

God, this is
the wildest time
I've ever had.

Then you won't mind
that I'm

banging your daughter
on the regular?

No, no, not at all!

Good, 'cause Jamal's
gonna be my baby daddy.

Ah.

- Son, welcome
to the family.
- Daddy.

Silas, your experiment
was a success.

Your serum worked,

and you're going
to get an "A"
in my course.

- Ohh...Professor!
- So that means I get to stay?

You betcha!
You can stay as long
as it takes you to graduate.

I don't care.
Right, ladies?

- Mm-hm.
- Shall we, ladies?

- Hey, down here!
- This is not happening!

Lauren, you are
coming with me!

Honey, you have
never satisfied me.

Huh?

Silas?

But I can.

Now the day you lay off
is the day you pay off.

We come in here
to get our old bitches,

but if they ain't in here,

we gonna get them
intellect bitches

and start our
own new stable.
You feel me?

Just keep it
pimp-alicious,
though, baby.

Powder, what are
you doing here?

What are you doing
in here, Phil?!

I've been rolling
this joint for 20 years.

But if these people
knew I was using

your Dial-A-Ho service,
they might not understand.

You are one
of my biggest customers.
You like them hand jobs.

Fat bitches
pissing on you
all the time!

- I like the ladies.
- Lickin' poodle feets.

Let's stop it right there.
Have you ever been to college?

Yeah, two years.
Pussyology.

Academia. I like it.
Give me a call next week.

I think we can work
something out.

Today's class is called
Pimpology I and II.

I'm one, that's two.

That's what
your ass will be

if you don't pass
this class.

It got to come out right!

If it don't come out right
you ain't gonna get
to pimp tonight!

- Where my bitches?
- Where my bitches?

Come on with it,

and let it fly!

Not yourselves!
Shit!

That was deep.
That was deep.

And B-cam roll.
B marker.

Cut!

And another thing.
I forgot my motherfuckin' line!

Yo, stop doing that shit.
You can't be laughing at me.

Fuck my close-up up,
nigger.

They know we stole
the statue.

I knew it!
You guys and your lies!

- Can I get some pussy?
- Sure. Come on in.

I told you we shoulda
went to UCLA.

I'm about to go stick my dick
in a thermos or something.

Puffs for purgatory.
For everybody. Line 'em up.

- Puffs for purgatory, baby.
- Puffs for purgatory.

Puffs for purgatory!

--see each other no more.
I mean, the fuckin' around,

the s-- Ah, shit!

I pledge allegiance
to the pimp,

the United Pimps of America.

- Come on, you fuckers!
- Call action!

- Uh-oh.
- I don't give a fuck
if it breaks.

You hear me?
God damn it!

Turn that goddamn
water off!

Cut, cut, cut.

- Cut.
- Cut.

- Cut!
- Cut.

Cu-ut!

- The movie's over.
- Why are you guys
still in your seat?

- Go home!
- Why don't y'all
want to leave?

♪ I-- I get so high... ♪

Yo ladies and gentlemen,

we got Toni Braxton
up in the house.

♪ So high that I can
kiss the sky, bitch ♪

- ♪ I get so high... ♪
- We live up in here, y'all.

♪ How high, motherfuckers,
how high? ♪

- ♪ High ♪
- ♪ Let's get ♪

- ♪ High ♪
- ♪ Let's get ♪

- ♪ High ♪
- ♪ Let's get ♪

♪ Yo, Tical shittin' again
spit in the wind ♪

♪ Load they guns
clip in the end ♪

♪ None sicker than him,
yes indeed ♪

♪ I'm ill as any STDs
or sex disease ♪

♪ These dirty rats
want extra cheese ♪

♪ On that piece of the pie
now ask me how high ♪

♪ Until ya reach for the sky
blame the crooked letter "I" ♪

♪ That's my home,
23s wrapped in chrome ♪

♪ Not only snap
on y'all niggers ♪

♪ But I'll snap them bones
slap your dome ♪

♪ Make you leave
that crack alone ♪

♪ You got the key to the city
but the latch is on ♪

♪ I gots it locked bringing
the noise, bringing the funk ♪

♪ Doctor Spock bringing my boys
bringing you lungs ♪

♪ Pop the Glock, but only
if you feel this shit ♪

♪ Jack the Ripper,
don't make me have
to kill this bitch ♪

♪ Back to get-cha, put it
in check, that's the mista ♪

♪ Meth with his
wood on your neck
shut your lips up ♪

♪ I-- I get so high ♪

♪ Smoke cheeba cheeba
smoke cheeba cheeba ♪

♪ I can touch the sky ♪

♪ So high that I could
kiss the sky ♪

♪ I-- I get so high ♪

♪ Brick city
to the crooked letter "I" ♪

- ♪ High ♪
- ♪ Let's get ♪

- ♪ High ♪
- ♪ Let's get ♪

- ♪ High ♪
- ♪ Let's get ♪

- ♪ High ♪
- ♪ Come on ♪

♪ You can call on the man
when the party is borin' ♪

♪ I'll have these hos strippin'
till it's part of the mornin' ♪

♪ I love a fat chick
with a body enormous ♪

♪ It ain't about the weight
it's how they performin' ♪

♪ My dash is 180,
my weed half a pound ♪

♪ With the smoke in the air
my nose like basset hounds ♪

♪ I don't stash the draw
nigger divide ♪

♪ I'm that nigger
that ride with the trigger
to get a supply ♪

♪ High is how I stay
all the time ♪

♪ Niggers, close your doors,
bitches, shut all your blinds ♪

♪ If I'm hard to find
take two puffs and pass ♪

♪ I'd stay back
but my Benz moved up a class ♪

♪ It's dock and meth
the format is real sickenin' ♪

♪ Contagious, we out
for Mr. Bigg's women ♪

♪ You better shut your trap
when my dog's around ♪

♪ We pissin' on fire hydrants
so walk around, bitch! ♪

♪ I-- I get so high ♪

♪ Smoke cheeba cheeba
smoke cheeba cheeba ♪

♪ I can touch the sky ♪

♪ Yeah, so high
till I reach the sky ♪

♪ I-- I get so high ♪

♪ Brick city
and the crooked letter "I" ♪

- ♪ High ♪
- ♪ Let's get ♪

- ♪ High ♪
- ♪ Let's get ♪

- ♪ High ♪
- ♪ Let's get ♪

♪ Mr. Method Man
putting in work,
foot in the dirt ♪

♪ Like it's all good
roll through your hood ♪

♪ Pushing a hearse
I wish y'all would ♪

♪ Come around
like Clint Eastwood ♪

♪ As if you're
reppin' your hood
in my necks of the woods ♪

♪ Street guerillas
in the PJ's ♪

♪ Grimy bitch, I wear
the same shit for three days ♪

♪ Find me lit
blunt sparks like Felipe ♪

♪ Fuck the he-say, the she-say,
adjust the mic-phone
plus the DJ ♪

♪ Call me the bob backlin ♪

♪ I break backs on hos
that look like Toni Braxton ♪

♪ Come run with these
bony masked men ♪

♪ I'm out the gutter
I'm out to send

♪ Your mother out for rubbers
we fuckin' tonight ♪

♪ Bitches want to crowd around
I'm cuppin' the mic ♪

♪ I'm a gorilla, leave a banana
stuck in your pipe ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm
a real block winner
with doc in a ♪

♪ Bitch, one of my balls
bigger than the Epcot Center ♪

♪ I-- I get so high ♪

♪ I can touch the sky ♪

♪ I-- I get so high ♪

♪ I, I, I. ♪