All language subtitles for Horrible Histories s11e12 Barmy Battles Special.eng

# Terrible Tudors,
gorgeous Georgians

# Slimy Stuarts, vile Victorians

# Woeful wars, ferocious fights
Dingy castles, daring knights

# Horrors that defy description
Cut-throat Celts, awful Egyptians

# Vicious Vikings, cruel crimes
Punishment from ancient times

# Romans Rotten, rank and ruthless
Cavemen Savage, fierce and toothless

# Groovy Greeks, brainy sages
Mean and measly Middle Ages

# Gory stories, we do that

# And your host, a talking rat

# The past is no longer a mystery

# Welcome to...

# Horrible Histories. #

Horrible Histories presents...

Is the coast clear? Take that!

SPLASH

Oh, that looked nasty.

My brothers and sisters and I
are in the middle of an epic battle.

One of our classic ratty
pillow fights.

Ah! Incoming!

Ah!

It all started when my sisters
invaded my brother's bedroom.

That's how real wars
sometimes start, too.

One nation invades another country
and tries to take it over.

Of course, some of history's
invasions went better than others.

Charge!

That huge amount of ships
that we sent against the English?

I think we made them mad.

Try and invade us, will you, Spain?

Well, now it's payback time.

Sir Francis Drake. Your Maj?

Unleash the English armada.

You had me at, "Unleash the E."

The English armada, led by Francis
Drake aboard his ship, Revenge.

180 ships,
tens of thousands of soldiers.

We shall destroy the Spanish fleet!

Attack!

Wait!

Instead of their fleet of ships,

let's attack the Spanish city
of Coruna.

I wonder if they've conquered Spain
yet.

Hmm.

OK, might take a bit longer
than I thought.

Longer? The winds are blowing
in the wrong direction.

The men are dying of starvation
and sickness.

What are you complaining about?
We've still got 5,000 men.

Yes, but we started out
with tens of thousands of men.

It's not ideal.

You know the English Armada
we sent against the Spanish

because of the Spanish Armada
they sent against us?

Well, I think they may be
planning revenge.

No! Yes! Another Spanish armada.

I'm beginning to think armadas
might be overrated.

Yeah.

Me and my brothers
are losing the battle,

so we've turned our bedrooms
into a fort.

We built barriers at every entrance
so our sisters can't attack us.

We are totally safe.

CHEERING
Battles are hard.

And it's not just the landscapes
that are a problem...

Keep it down, you lot. Sorry, Mum!

..sometimes the people
are the problem.

William the Conqueror
found that out.

After he killed King Harold
at the Battle of Hastings,

he came up against a particularly
tricky opponent -

Harold's mum.

Oof!

Hello. I am King William of England.

I know you're in there.

We're not scared of you, William.

Guys, seriously,
I am not OK about this rebellion.

I just conquered you.

I'm so peeved, I literally just
poked this guy's eyes out.

There was a whole battle
near Hastings, remember?

My rival, King Harold,

and all his brothers
were killed or captured.

I mean,
there's literally no-one else

from the royal family
left to lead you.

Move it, sunshine.

Cooee!

Oh, for crying out loud.
Look who it is.

Yeah, I would
if you hadn't poked my eyes out.

Oh, sorry, yeah. It's the old
King Harold's mum, Gytha. Oh.

Yeah.

You forgot about Mummy, didn't you?

Look, it would be better
for everybody

if we ended all this rivalry
and you just surrendered.

So, what do you say?

Why's it all gone quiet?
Hang on. Something's happening.

Oh... I think
he's getting his bum out.

Fire! But why?

HE FARTS
Oh!

Don't worry about it, Your Majesty.

Everyone does it
when they get nervous.

That wasn't me. It was them.
Oh, sure it was.

That's our answer!

The sound of a mother's rage...

HE FARTS

..and by the smell of it, cabbage.

HE FARTS
Oh, God. That is strong.

HE FARTS

Maybe you should go
and change your chainmail.

It wasn't me. Do you want me
to poke something else out?

Yeah, could you start with my nose?

Hit them again.

HE FARTS

I know you have them surrounded,
but maybe it's time we retreated.

Yeah. It stinks.

That's right.

Fear our power.

HE FARTS

And smell it, too.

HE FARTS

I could smell that one from France.
We'll be back.

Right, that's enough.

HE FARTS

Oh...

It's been 90 years since Caesar
failed to conquer Britain.

Rome has a new emperor,
determined to finish the job.

It's going to take one tough
toga-wearer to risk everything

in this hellhole.

I'm Emperor Claudius,
and this is...

You're on an island filled with
bloodthirsty warriors and druids.

Staying alive through the night
is going to be a challenge.

You're going to need protection,
and you're going to need it fast.

Look around you. What do you see?

Nothing but trees and dirt.

But trees and dirt,
with training and basic tools,

can become a fortress. Ouch!

And a fortress can keep you alive

when everybody around you
wants you dead.

But what I like to do is -

stay 900 miles away in Rome

and let my general, Paulinus,
and the army, do the hard work.

When you're faced with death,

being somewhere completely different

is a very effective way
of staying alive.

You've finally arrived
in Great Britain

because the war
has already been won.

But now you have to win the peace.

And these locals will rebel
at the drop of a helmet. Ouch!

You need to be prepared,

and that means using
what's around you.

Look around you. What do you see?

A stone can be used as a missile.
Ah!

CAT SCREECHES

And wood is good
for keeping the fire going at night.

Staying well lit and armed
is vitally important

in a hostile situation.

But what I like to do is
bring an elephant.

ELEPHANT TRUMPETS

It's unlikely the locals
will have seen an elephant.

"What's that?" They'll say.

And I'll say, "That's an elephant!"

And they'll say, "Cool,
I've never seen one of those.

"Let's not rebel."

Probably. Who cares?
I've got an elephant.

ELEPHANT TRUMPETS

I love it when they do that.

X-treme elephant!

Step three, conquer more of the
island so you're safer from attack.

You've secured the south-east,
but it's going to take years

to spread your rule across
this new and dangerous island.

You've got decades of hard work
and danger ahead of you.

But what I like to do is...

..go home after 16 days,
let the army do the rest.

Going home to Rome seriously reduces
your chances of being killed abroad.

And that's...

Let's bounce.

ELEPHANT TRUMPETS

I forgot my elephant!

Now, gentleman, in precisely
one minute's time,

we're going to march..

STOMACH RUMBLES
as British soldiers,

fighting for the East India Company,
into battle at Seringapatam.

How do you like that? Any chance
we could do it tomorrow, Colonel?

HE FARTS
No, we cannot do it tomorrow.

We're doing it today.

Can we have this conversation
in the shade, sir?

I think my hat has cooked my head.

No, we cannot talk in the shade.
STOMACH GRUMBLES

A British soldier stands
where he must.

Be that under fire, in the ice,
or in the sun.

Is that understood?

They must be very strong.

I think their leader just killed
a man with his finger.

Why are the British wearing such
ridiculously hot and thick uniforms?

If you're going to march into
someone else's country,

killing anyone who resists,

the least you could do
is dress appropriately.

We're struggling with the sun, sir.
We all are. We're not used to it -

or the fevers,
or the water, or the food.

HE FARTS
Oh...

Sorry. I've got dysentery, sir.

HE FARTS
Hey! Oh-oh!

That was a close one.

I don't care if it's a bit hot.

I don't care
if you've got a runny bottom.

HE FARTS

I don't care if anyone's got
a little bit of fever.

Lemons, badgers, soup fairies!

"That's just fever."
He's seeing things!

HE FARTS
Ha! Ho! Ha! Ho! Wow!

I promise I'm trying
to keep them in.

FARTING
Can you hear gunfire?

I think some of them soldiers
are dropping bottom bombs.

They can't handle food with flavour.
It goes straight through them.

It is a mystery
why they keep stealing food from us.

FARTING
When they finally leave,

it is going to take an age
to clean up after them.

And to rebuild all the cities
they burned.

FARTING
You lot are a disgrace.

Now, you need to be ready
to march... March!?

I am standing dead still
and clenching my bum.

If I march,
it's going to be carnage.

HE FARTS

Well, perhaps you'd like to be
excused from battle today.

HE FARTS
Thank you, thank you, thank you.

You shower of toilets!

HE FARTS

The British Empire covers one sixth
of the world's land.

The British soldiers
are feared around the globe.

Do you really think a bit of heat,
gut churning, is going to stop us?

HE FARTS

Oh...

That might slow us down, actually.

HE FARTS

Going to need a new uniform.

I just can't believe
we're losing this war to these guys.

They'll go eventually.
FARTING

They'll have to - they'll run out
of underwear.

We all know the first rule
of pillow fights - pillows only.

But if we're going to defeat
my sisters,

I'm going to have to get
a bit more creative.

So I've emptied the feathers
out of this one

and put my mate Freddy the frog
inside.

Matilda's scared of frogs!

Yeah.

CROAKING

Unfortunately,
Freddy's scared of Matilda, too.

Come on, she's not that scary,

I guess new weapons for battle are
bound to have teething problems.

Just ask this lot.

Sire. Hmm.

I think you'll be impressed.

I've invented a new weapon
that will revolutionise hunting.

Ooh, exciting.

I started with a small sharpened
piece of bone. But that is tiny.

You will never catch a lion
with this. Look.

Did that hurt?
Uh, well, a little bit.

No, it didn't.
OK, but I hadn't finished.

You see, next, I glued it to the end
of a piece of wood.

Ah, you're wasting your time.

Look, this is the smallest spear
I've ever seen.

You'll never catch a vicious beast
with this child's toy.

Look.

Did that hurt? It hurt quite a lot,
actually. No again.

What if I said I could
hurl this tiny spear

a vast distance
and hit a target using this?

Interesting.

Let me have a go.

Ah, useless.
This will never catch a leopard.

I wouldn't be so sure.

Watch me, sire.

Ooh! Impressive.

So I hold it like this.

Right.

Ouch! Sire!

I would have hit that target
if you didn't get in the way.

Let me have another go.

I think I'll stand over here.

OK. This is the one.

Fire.

Oh!

HE SHOUTS

It's broken. Ah!

Try again
but round the other way.

The other way. Yes. Oh...

Run away, run away.

This way, all right.

HE SCREAMS

Where is it?

It's here. I mean the bow
round the other way. Yes.

Oh, no, no, no.
I'm getting out of here!

Ah!

Look, it's bound to take
a bit of getting used to.

I'm pretty sure I'm getting the hang
of this now.

Please, please, please, please.

You did it!

Amazing. You have invented a tool
that can fire small spears.

I call it a bow and arrow.

The bow and arrow.

Actually, the other way,
but it doesn't matter.

HE GROANS

# Loo Man, Loo Man

# The living toilet who ran

# From the Middle Ages
with a bucket so that you can

# Have a poo in a private place

# Sitting on my bucket
with a cape to hide your face

# And bum!

# And when you're done

I will charge depending if
you did a two or one

# Loo Man. #

STOMACH GRUMBLES
Nein, nein, nein!

Oh! Greetings, friend.

Who are you,
and what are you doing on my U-boat?

I am Loo Man, the living lavatory.

And you look like a man

who needs the little U-boat's
captain's room.

Yes, I do.

Well, then, I would like to apply
for the jobbies.

We have a toilet.

I'm meeting the engineer there now.

Engineer? Yeah. Flushing the boat's
toilet is very complex

and only a specially
trained person can do it.

I'm intrigued.

It is ready for you, captain.

Oh! Thank goodness.

HIS STOMACH GRUMBLES

Torpedoes away!

HE FARTS

Oh, there we go. Oh!

Tell me, mein freund,

do you call them
the captain's logs?

Oh, this is the best.

Sorry, Loo Man. A pleasure to meet
a fellow poo-fessional.

CAPTAIN GROANS

Feel better? Oh, yes. Thank you.

Uh, I'd give it funf,
if I were you.

Yes, captain. You may flush
when ready, engineer.

Aye, aye, captain.

Right, right. Hello.

Goodness, yeah, my set-up's
a lot simpler than yours,

if you want me
to take you through it.

Nein, danke.
Please do not disturb me.

I must turn these levers and valves
in exactly the right order.

Otherwise, the sea water
will flood into the vessel.

OK, yeah, of course.

Um, out of interest,

how many buckets' worth of bum
bratwurst does this baby store?

Well, actually,
the sub does not store its poo.

Instead, we fire turd-pedoes
into the ocean with compressed air.

MIMICS EXPLOSION
Love it.

ALARM BLARES

Oh, no! What's happened?
Has he done a floater?

Oh, no!
I've inputted the wrong sequence.

The toilet is filling up with
sea water and the captain's logs!

Oh, you do call them
the captain's logs, then?

Captain, the toilet switch has
leaked into the ship's batteries

and the sub is filling
with poisonous gas.

We must surface and abandon ship.

Oh, dear. Abandon ship!

Code Brown! Abandon ship.
Abandon ship!

BOOM!

Should have used the bucket.

Well, Dr Skinner, we're hoping
you've come up with something

that will help us to defeat
the Nazis.

Gentlemen, I believe I have.

A massive advance
in missile accuracy -

piloted missiles.

Piloted? And who would be
stupid enough to pilot a missile

that was going to explode?

BIRD COOS

Gentlemen, meet your new pilot.

PIGEON COOS

You want a pigeon to fly the bomb?

Of course not.

I want three pigeons
to fly the bomb.

Gentlemen, each pigeon
harnessed inside the missile

has been trained to peck
at the target when they see it.

This pecking transmits a signal
via the bird's beak,

which controls the bomb's tail fins
and directs it towards the target.

"Oh, nein!
You've destroyed my Nazi battleship.

"Who'd have suspected a pigeon?

"Oh, somebody give Skinner
a promotion."

Are we being pranked?

Do you want us to entrust the war
to birds?

These are no ordinary birds, sir.

My pigeons are graduates of
the Skinner School of Aviation.

You created a flying school
for pigeons?

Well, they're not going
to train themselves, are they?

Who is this guy?

Let me show you something.

GUNSHOTS

Whoa! What are you doing?

A demonstration, sir.
Each pigeon has been trained

to ignore the distractions of war.

Ah! My eyes! My eyes!

See? It didn't even flinch.

Thank you, Dr Skinner.
We have heard enough.

I'm sorry to disappoint you,
but it's a terrible idea.

I'm sure implementing
your pigeon plan

would have been a real COO...
COOING

..and I don't want you
to get in a flap,

but it's time for you
and your pigeons to take off.

Hey, where'd that pigeon go?

PIGEON FARTS

I told you they were
trained to hit enemy targets.

Oh, being in a battle is exhausting.

Thankfully, Mummus has brought me
a cheese sandwich to keep me going.

But I think she might be supplying
the enemy, too.

Girls, sandwiches are ready.

Pick a side, Mummus!

I shouldn't be surprised, though.
Mums have been helping

their children in battle
throughout history.

Although, I'm glad my mum
isn't a Spartan one.

Spartan soldiers are some of
the toughest in the world.

The only thing tougher than them...

Come on, you maggots!

..are their mums.

Get up. Sit up.

This is...

Come on.

Tell me something, do you want to be
in the Spartan army?

Yes, Mummy. Yes, Mummy.
What did you say?

ALL: Yes, Mummy!
Drop down and give me 300.

HE WHIMPERS

They're good boys,
but they need to grow a spine.

I mean, they're Spartans.

They need to learn to be
as tough as their mothers.

And believe me,

we need to be tough to raise sons
as tough as Spartans.

Can I get up now?
Did I say you could speak?

Sorry, Mummy.

I'm meant to send you pathetic
babies out to fight for us.

Do you want to go to battle,

or will you come running home
to your mummy?

No, Mummy. No, Mummy!

A coward!

I should have left you outside
on the hill like your other brother.

What other brother?

Exactly.

What Mummy wants, Mummy gets...

..or you die.

Attention!

Let me look at you.

Oh, you don't want us
to get naked again, do you?

That is the best way
to assess your physical fitness.

But no, not this time.

Oh, that's a shame.

I've been working on my abs.

Ouch... That really hurt.

Shields!

These are your shields.

You carry them into battle.

You return with them or on them.

Oh, like a sledge?

No, like a stretcher.

Dead, dummy.

Shame about the sledge.

That sounded fun.

SHE YELLS

Oh! I wee-ed.
I wee-ed, I'm sorry, Mummy.

Nope, can't do this.

You are a disgrace!

The three gruelling weeks are over,

and this is the end...

..of the beginning
of their training... Eh?

..which will last
for many years to come.

I want my mummy!

Archidamus!
I know, "Drop and give me 300."

One, two, two and a half.

Oh, it hurts, Mummy!
I'm not even counting that one.

Dearest Edward, Mummy here!

I do hope this letter
finds you well,

despite this silly civil war.

GUNSHOT

Not much to report from here
at home,

apart from missing you and Daddy,
of course.

I do feel so safe with our own
soldiers here to protect us.

Lady Harley! Siege! Siege!
We're under attack!

To your positions, men.
We will not let our home fall.

Defend her at all costs.

I do hope you are
looking after Daddy.

I'm so proud of you both

for defending our Puritan values
against the royalist scum,

as some mean people
like to call them.

BELLS RING

The bells, the bells!
They're taking our bells!

Not on my watch.
Hit them with everything we've got.

Oh! I've been hit. Ooh, cake.

I was going to send you a cake

to make you think of home, but...
GLASS SHATTERS

Eat musket balls, losers!

Argh! I preferred the cake.

I seem to have run out of cake.

Love and snuggles, Mummy.

GUNSHOTS

We did it! We did it!
They're retreating.

Who's the mummy?

It's me. It's me!

Right, be a love and sneak this
past the enemy, would you?

Move, move, move!

I don't know how long
we can keep this battle going.

I'm exhausted.

Also, we're running out of pillows.

We've only got three left.

Ah!

We've only got two left.

Luckily, people in history have had
all sorts of inventive ways

to stop war and find peace.

And one of the more surprising ways
is marriage.

SPLASH

That one was my favourite!

They say there is a wafer-thin line
between love and hate.

So is it any wonder
that when two warring rivals

look for peace,
it is l'amour that shows the way?

Pharaoh Ramesses II
is looking for love...

..or an end to war.

One of the two.

I hope I like her.

I hope my wives like her as well.

Do people normally bring
their wives on dates?

Serious question.

You don't mind, do you?

Yeah, she don't mind. OK!

His date is the eldest daughter
of the King of the Hittites.

You must be Ramesses II.
My name is...

I don't care what your name is.

I'm going to call you
Maathorneferure.

It means,
"She who beholds the falcon

"that is the visible splendour
of Ra."

Yeah, rah.

I'm wicked with names, innit?

Is he allowed to do that?
I mean, I know he's a pharaoh

and I've heard he can do
whatever he likes,

but is he literally allowed
to change my name?

Things are off to a bad start

because while Ramesses
is pharaoh of the Upper Nile,

he's on this occasion
also king of the utter vile.

You need some oil, babes?
No, thanks, babe.

Apologies, my bad.

You NEED some oil, babes.

Hold on! No!
Stop! What are you doing?

The oil was there
to banish the nether world

and keep you safe from evil.
You're welcome.

I know that ditching this date
could restart

a war between our kingdoms,
but right now,

that seems like a price
worth paying.

Hey, hey, look, look.

We both know that our marriage
is just there to keep the peace.

But look, let's just put
all of that aside, yeah?

Let's just talk about
our hopes and our dreams.

I'd like that.

So how much am I getting? Eh?

Think of world peace.
Think of world peace.

It's called a dowry.

Her dad has to give me
a load of stuff when I marry her.

It's a standard thing
at regular weddings,

let alone ones being arranged
to end a war.

Isn't that right?

I've got bare coins
off of these lot.

So I get the gold, yeah?

Silver, the slaves, the horses
and the cows. Is that all?

And me, of course.

Haha, yeah. Of course!

How could I forget that? That's mad.

I'm going to put you down
under the horses.

And they say romance is dead.

So do you think
you'll see each other again?

Sure. I mean, we'll have to, innit?

If we don't get married, then
the war between our rival kingdoms

may well start up again.

Bro, I ain't got no choice.

The words every bride longs to hear.

Don't worry, babes.
We'll look after you.

There you go.

Wives, let's go.

Just ignore him. We do.

Yeah... I'll catch you
back at the palace. Yeah.

You know, I might have to be back
next week

cos five wives ain't enough,
you know what I mean?

You know what I'm saying?

The dust has settled
on our final battle.

We all decided to put aside

the pillows of war
and lead a peaceful life.

Because Daddus said if we didn't,
he'd sell the telly.

Yes, war is never the answer -

unless the question is,
three-letter word beginning with W,

English civil...what?

Of course, in the English Civil War,

Oliver Cromwell's motto was
"peace through war".

But my dad says that's nonsense.
And he might be right.

Things didn't work out so well
for Cromwell.

Mm-mm-mm.

# Civil war

# Huh!

# What was it good for?

# Monarchy abolished

# Civil war

# Huh!

# What was it good for?

# Royalty demolished

# Once we'd won
and Charles lost his head

# We became a commonwealth instead

# My new Model Army
fought for the cause

# I crushed rebellion
and repealed laws

# Dissolved Parliament
Became Lord Protector

# Like a king, but without
the crown and sceptre

# Protectorate
was now what we were called

# With a jolly little motto -
peace through war

# Civil war

# Huh!

# What was it good for?

# Monarchy disbanded

# Civil war

# Huh!

# What was it good for?

# My power expanded

# Carved England and Wales
into 12 little bits

# It didn't work out
Had to call that quits

# Thought making me king
would be the solution

# But I stayed Lord Protector
with a new constitution

# Didn't last long
Death was my fate

# So son and heir
stepping up to the plate

# It was a tough act to follow

# The great dictator

# The army forced me out
a year later

# Civil war

# Huh!

# What was it good for?

# Monarchy diminished

# Civil war

# Huh!

# What was it good for?

# I thought we were finished

# But all the while

# I'd been in exile

# Banished from my home nation

# Then I got the call

# They'd had enough of war

# And so began the Restoration

# I pardoned crimes
from Civil War times

# I'm back, what's not to like?

# Well, they dug me up, cut me up
and put my head on a spike

# Civil war

# Huh!

# Who was it good for?

# Don't get me started

# Civil war

# Huh!

# Who was it good for? #

Right, now where's the party?

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