Original subtitles

Subtitles by explosiveskull

(SILENCE)

(SINISTER MUSIC)

And that's why I don't think a woman should ever

have a man as a roommate.

He was so nasty.

I just had to get the hell out of there.

I mean, one time he wanted to put his junk in my...

Squirt Locker.

You never heard of the Squirt Locker?

You know, you need to

start watching some quality entertainment.

So check it, it stars this girl, Anita Humpalot, as a...

Whore for the Reptoids.

Yeah, the Reptoids.

Forget the Illuminati.

It's the Reptoids that really run the show,

but let me tell you something, not on my watch.

Ah, I wouldn't expect you to understand.

(CREEPY MUSIC)

Those bastards think they can just...

Shit all over my place.

Girl, I said, "Mm-mm,"

because I wasn't having that.

Then he had the nerve to try to put his hands on me.

Fool even tried to get me to do...

Tentacle porn.

I'm really into tentacle porn.

You know, alotofsquid.com,

let me tell you something,

that's some real mind-blowing stuff there.

I'd be glad to show you. (LAUGHS)

Just don't expect me to use any...

Protection!

You have to know how to defend yourself

when invasion begins.

(SHADOWY MUSIC)

Hand-to-hand combat,

grappling,

with the right technique,

you could really fuck somebody up.

One time this werewolf tried to...

Punch my tits.

I blocked that shit like Jackie Chang.

I was like, "Wah!"

And then I got him in a headlock and went...

(GRUNTING)

Yeah. (LAUGHS)

Yeah.

Yeah!

Oh I knew she liked it,

but you want to know what she was really into?

Vampires.

They're real.

(CREEPY MUSIC)

You know what?

EVERYONE: You kind of look like a vampire.

I am a vampire, duh!

(DARK TECHNO MUSIC)

(GASPS)

SAM: Seriously, Simone?

You are such an asshole!

SAM: Good luck finding a roommate

with that crap on your face, you freak.

SIMONE: Whatever.

Speaking of roommates...

I don't want to talk about it.

Besides, Bloodlust is coming on.

Holy shit, Simone,

when are you gonna grow out of this vampire bullshit?

Most people want to grow up and be, like, doctors

or like, lawyers

or like, a lesbian, but...

Why don't you shut the fuck up?

I mean, why are you even here anyway?

Shouldn't you be outside

getting rejected by high school freshmen or something?

Not on Tuesdays, Simone.

Tuesdays are dedicated to spending time with my twin sis.

Knock it off.

What the fuck?

Bloodlust is on hiatus, dumbass.

So they play this shit?

You wanted vampires.

Please, you hate this crap as much as I do.

(EERIE ROCK MUSIC)

Hi.

You must be Simone.

I'm Ashlee.

Well, Ashlee with two E's,

although my dad thought my mom was, like, a total freak

when she named me that.

They live in L.A.

That's where I'm from.

Actually, I was born in Memphis.

I was there last year for a tryout.

- Hey! - Hey.

I'm Sam, I'm Simone's brother.

Come on in.

ASHLEE: Thank you.

Yeah, good luck with that, buddy.

Yeah, just have a seat right here.

Make yourself comfortable.

OMG, you guys look exactly alike.

Yeah, we're like twins.

Fraternal.

Aw, how cute.

I once knew these twins back in L.A.

but they were sisters,

Tammy and Terry.

Well, they weren't twins.

Actually, they weren't even sisters,

more like BFFs,

until Tammy stole Terry's boyfriend

and then they stopped talking.

That was so sad.

So,

can I get you anything to drink?

We actually just ran out.

Ran out of what?

Everything.

Can I get you some water?

Tap water, no ice.

No, thank you.

So this place is really nice.

It's way nicer than the last place I went.

And then I got stopped by this perv

who tried to get me to do tentacle porn.

Gross.

So what's with all of this?

Huh?

Oh, I just came from a tryout.

Like, OMG, like, you're a cheerleader?

Yes!

Well, I'm working on that, not exactly yet.

Do you, like, have a job?

Well duh.

How else am I gonna pay for an apartment?

Did I just smell an attitude?

Hey!

Can I talk to you alone for a second?

You just, you just wait right here, okay, don't move.

Just, uh, practice your cheering.

Britney!

SAM: What is the matter with you?

- Can't you say... - I don't want to hear it!

- This is... - Shh!

Shh yourself!

Why do you have to be so rude?

She's a guest.

Like I care.

Look at her.

How do you expect me to...

Hello?

What?

Do you honestly think you have a chance with her?

No, you listen to me,

I'm not gonna let you fuck this up for me, all right?

For you?

This is about...

Finding a roommate, yeah,

okay, yeah, real successful.

How many have you turned down?

Well?

32.

32?

Are you smoking crack?

How do you expect to make rent?

Fine, but you're gonna be the one

that's gonna show her around.

Do I have to?

Yes.

Guess who gets to show you around?

(POP MUSIC)

(MYSTERIOUS MUSIC)

That was pretty cool, Marcus.

Did you enjoy the pierogis?

Oh yeah, they were really good.

Yeah.

Mine was very delicious.

On the inside was Saskatoon berries.

Mm, just like Mom used to make.

She's up there, Vin.

Who, your mom?

What the fuck?

No, man, not my mom.

The vampire.

Oh.

So did you bring the silver bullets?

Silver bullets?

Silver bullets only work on werewolves.

Nah, man.

If I shot you with a silver bullet, you'd die.

No.

I, I mean, yeah, I would die, but she wouldn't.

But you just said it only works on werewolves.

That's just not true.

Not today.

VIN: Huh?

Not today, Vin.

Don't start with me, man.

This is serious.

I could get killed.

These vampires, they're very crafty.

They leave traps all around their crypts.

Even during the day they're dangerous.

I bet her brother helps her like Renfield.

I bet they didn't teach you shit like that back in Kenya.

Let's get out of here.

I gotta feed Mr. Fluffy.

(RELAXED ROCK MUSIC)

Didn't you just move in like two hours ago?

Mm-hmm.

Like it?

Uh,

sure.

Come in.

No, I, uh...

All right, fine.

Don't you just love Hello Kitty?

Oh, (LAUGHS) fuck this.

- No, wait! - Ow!

ASHLEE: Oh my god, I'm so sorry.

What's the matter with you?

I just moved here and I don't have any friends

and I was just...

And you expect me to feel bad for you, right?

No.

But ever since we met, I just knew we could be friends.

(SIMONE LAUGHS)

Okay, (LAUGHS) I'm a vampire.

You're into Twilight.

Just give me a chance, please.

Look, I have dealt with your kind

all throughout high school and beyond.

You're besties up until you get into a trendy clique

that just absorbs you and you leave me behind.

You know what?

Why don't you just stay the hell away from me?

Ugh!

(BROODING MUSIC)

(VIGOROUS ROCK MUSIC)

(MEOWING)

(PHONE RINGS)

(MEOWING)

Yeah, Vin?

Okay, I'll be out in a minute.

(MEOWING)

Shut the fuck up, Mr. Fluffy!

(MEOWING)

(DETERMINED ROCK MUSIC)

(TICKING)

(SPOOKY ELECTRONIC MUSIC)

(GASPS)

Great.

Now I am a lesbian.

You're such an asshole, Sam.

(GLOOMY MUSIC)

(SHADOWY MUSIC)

MARCUS: I might not make it out alive, Vin.

What?

(SPOOKY MUSIC)

I said I might not make it out alive.

So?

What am I supposed to do with this coupon?

Would you knock it off?

You have no idea what's going on here.

All these people are in grave danger.

All right, man, I get it.

But did you have to throw my coupons out?

Obviously, you don't get it.

I've been hunting these things for years.

I never thought I'd actually find one, but here we are.

I could finally prove to the world

that I was right all along.

It sounds pretty dangerous, Marcus.

Maybe someone should go with you.

(DANGEROUS MUSIC)

No, Vin.

This is too dangerous for you.

What?

I didn't mean me.

And besides, why are you doing this at night?

Isn't she awake?

Yeah.

This way she'll never see me coming.

Now you look, Vin.

If I don't make it out alive,

you take Mr. Fluffy and you leave, okay?

You go as far away from here as possible.

Fine, but if you make it out alive,

want to hit the mall?

(IRRITATED MUSIC)

Aw, come on.

J.C. Penney's having a two-for-one sale.

Pray for me, Vin.

(MESSENGER DINGS)

Hello?

(MYSTERIOUS MUSIC)

Hello?

Ashlee?

(VEILED MUSIC)

(SIMONE GASPS)

(WRATHFUL TECHNO MUSIC)

(SIMONE SCREAMS)

MARCUS: Prepare to be freed from your sexy corpse shell,

spawn of Beelzebub.

What?

I said, prepare to be freed from your sexy corpse shell,

spawn of Beelzebub.

Oh my god, I'm not a vampire!

I'm not a vampire!

I swear to god, I'm not a vampire!

Where are you?

(ASHLEE SCREAMS)

(WILD ROCK MUSIC)

(SQUISHY SLURPING)

(HAUNTING MUSIC)

Oh hi, can we like be friends now?

(SCARY MUSIC)

(SIMONE SCREAMS)

No, wait!

No, no!

Oh my god, I'm so sorry!

Are you okay?

I didn't mean to hurt you!

Please, say something!

I'm really scared, Simone!

I've never bit a person before!

Well, except for my ex, but he kind of liked it!

And then there was that one time in 3rd grade

when I bit Charlie Parker,

but that was only because he said I had the cooties!

Okay, okay, just stop it, please.

Can you please wipe that shit off your face?

ASHLEE: Oh.

I'm a total mess.

What about him?

Oh.

He's not gonna turn.

I have to give him my...

Well, at least that's what happened

when that jerk turned me.

Ugh, I don't even want to think about that right now.

Uh-huh.

So like, are we gonna be friends or not?

I mean, we can't be roomies without being friends.

Friends?

You just ripped the face off of that 300-pound gorilla

like a freak on bath salts!

Hey, I didn't rip off his face.

Besides, I thought you'd be into that kind of stuff.

Are you kidding me?

That guy just tried to impale me!

That's what happens when you're a vampire, duh.

Well I'm not a vampire, okay?

As a matter of fact, I'm having a real identity crisis here.

I mean, I thought that I was something special,

like something set me apart from the rest of the sheeple,

you know?

All these years I've identified myself as a vampire.

(EERIE MUSIC)

(MUFFLED SPEAKING)

Hello?

Earth to Ashlee!

OMG, this room is like a total mess.

And who the hell is this guy?

What the hell is he doing here?

Oh my god, he's kind of cute.

Did I just say that out loud?

Are you okay?

I don't know, I don't know, I don't know!

My head is numb and my tongue is all swollen.

What the hell is wrong with you?

(PERPLEXED MUSIC)

Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit, oh shit!

That's why this is happening!

Is that what I think it is?

It's gotta be!

It's in his blood!

It's making my brain all

(RAPID WHOOSHING)

Okay, um, I think you need some chai.

It'll soothe you.

- I'll go get some. - No!

I only drink blood, okay?

Gross, I never thought I'd hear myself say that.

Wait a minute.

What about some pure blood?

That'll clear you up, right?

I guess.

I don't know!

This never happened to me before!

How about that?

That looks yummy, right?

Yeah.

I know you need that fix.

I can tell.

(STRANGE MUSIC)

Ew!

As if!

Hey, there's nothing wrong with my blood!

It's not like I have STDs!

It's not that, okay?

I'm not gonna bite you and that's final.

Well why not?

I'm supposed to be a vampire!

I've been dreaming of a moment like this

all of my life!

Fine, since I was 14, okay?

My grandma took me to go see Bram Stoker's Dracula

at a matinee and...

Wait, you were 14?

What was she, a freak or something?

Hey, don't make fun of her!

Besides, she was Romanian.

See, I'm supposed to be a vampire.

Hold on a minute, Simone.

You're just, you're just messing with my head right now.

Okay, just a minute ago you were trying to run away from me.

Well I'm over it, got it?

And you better not tell anybody about that.

Well I'm not gonna turn you, okay?

Why not?

You just don't understand.

I mean, I don't even have a life anymore!

Of course not, you're a member of the undead.

No!

They didn't say anything like this in Twilight!

That's because Twilight is bullshit!

(FOOTSTEPS WALKING)

What?

(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC)

(SIMONE GASPS)

- Whoa! - Sam,

what the hell are you doing here?

I was at the party down the street.

I'm so drunk.

No no, you can't be here!

You have to leave!

Why is it so dark in here?

It must be the breaker!

See, I fixed it.

Right on, yeah.

How the hell?

Hey.

Hey, who's that?

Uh, hi!

- Hey. - Hi!

- Hey. - Um, I like your hair.

You do?

Yeah, can I touch it?

I thought you'd never ask.

Whoa, what are you doing?

Your hair, can I touch your hair?

Oh, yeah, my hair, yeah.

(SAM LAUGHS)

Ow ow ow ow ow!

- Ashlee! - Ow ow ow ow!

- Let go! - Ow ow ow ow!

That was cool.

Whoa, a dead guy!

Did you do this?

No, no.

Yeah, you did.

I can tell, you did this.

No!

Now look what you did.

Is she a vampire?

You think?

That makes her like 20 times fucking hotter.

Stop being a douche, Sam.

Now I have to go and deal with her.

What about him?

What about him?

Well, we can't just leave him here.

No shit, Sherlock!

I have to go upstairs and grab Ashlee,

so she can help lug his gargantuan ass out of here.

But she's only like three feet fucking tall.

Yo, she's a vampire.

She's the one who kicked his ass in the first place.

Well, who is he?

I don't know.

(MYSTERIOUS MUSIC)

According to this, his name is Marcus Denning.

This asshole tried to kill me.

He tried to kill you?

Did you call the cops?

No, Sam, I can't call the cops.

They'll just come and arrest Ashlee.

(CREEPY MUSIC)

Yeah, well this asshole's dead.

(EERIE MUSIC)

(KNOCKING ON THE DOOR)

Just leave me alone!

OMG, my voice.

Ashlee?

Sweetie?

Would you let me in?

ASHLEE: I'm not gonna bite you!

Just leave me alone!

Look, forget about all that, okay!

We have a dead guy in the living room,

and if we don't do something about it,

we're gonna be in a heap of shit!

(HAUNTING MUSIC)

♪ Peanut butter ♪

♪ And some jelly ♪

♪ Put together ♪

♪ In my belly ♪

What the fuck kind of bread is this?

Oh.

(OMINOUS MUSIC)

Hey, over here!

What?

I'm so sorry.

There, that better?

It's

fine.

Look, I know you're having some issues right now,

but you've gotta get a grip.

We have a dead, coked-out vampire hunter

in the living room

and we have to deal with it.

I've never killed someone before!

Ashlee, we don't have time to sit and brood.

We've gotta get rid of that body or we will all get screwed!

(LAUGHS) That rhymed.

Ashlee, you have to focus!

Please, focus!

(LAUGHS) Okay!

Okay.

Are you sure?

Yeah, okay.

Okay.

What?!

I didn't say anything!

Not you!

Where the fuck is Sam, the body?

ASHLEE AND SIMONE: Oh my god!

("AMERICAN HEBREW" BY DAVIS ABSOLUTE)

MARCUS: So what's your name, kid?

Uh, Sam.

Well Sam, I'm Marcus.

Glad to make your acquaintance.

So you're not gonna kill me, right, man?

(PHONE RINGING)

Hello?

What have you done with Sam?

I swear to god,

if you've hurt my brother,

I will kill you.

Are you finished, wannabe?

Now shut up and listen!

Sam's right here safe and sound,

and if you want it to stay that way,

you'll bring pompoms to the old Tesla factory

in an hour and a half.

Oh, and Vampirella,

if I catch a whiff of bacon, your brother's dead.

Do you hear me?

Fucking dead!

What did he say?

He has Sam.

He said if we call the cops, he's gonna kill him!

Oh my god, poor Sam.

This is your damn fault!

If you hadn't gone around biting all those dogs,

he wouldn't be looking for goddamn vampires!

Simone, how could you say that?

What was I supposed to do?

Go around hurting people?

It's not like I even killed any of those dogs!

That's not the point!

You led him directly to me!

Now he has Sam.

Now I don't know what the hell to do!

(PHONE RINGS)

Is that your phone?

(HIDDEN MUSIC)

It's Vin.

SIMONE: Who the hell is Vin?

I don't know.

Who are you?

Where's Marcus, bitch?

What the hell are you doing?

Would you make up your mind, Simone?

You idiot!

Give me that.

Oh my god.

Now he knows my name!

You idiot!

(ASHLEE CRIES)

Stop it!

Okay, okay, wait a minute.

This guy doesn't know that

that Marcus asshole isn't here, right?

How am I supposed to know?

Hello?

GAMER KID: You suck!

Shut up, idiot!

What?

Not you.

Where's Marcus?

Well your psycho friend is all coked up,

passed out on my floor.

GAMER KID: You're the best

at dying.

Shut the hell up.

No, it's true, dammit!

Not you.

Well you better come pick up your friend

or I'm gonna have you both arrested.

GAMER KID: You should change your gamer tag

to BulletMagnet.

You should kiss my curry ass.

What did you just say?

Uh, aren't you the vampire chick?

Yes.

I mean, no.

Wait.

You know about all this?

Well, sorta.

What do you mean sorta?

Well, I'm the one that dropped him over there.

You what?

That crazy bastard almost killed me.

GAMER KID: Hey, have you ever played this game before?

Because my little sister can beat your butt.

Oh yeah?

Yes!

Vin, this isn't a joke.

GAMER KID: Hey, that's not fair!

(LAUGHS) That's what you get for being a little bitch.

SIMONE: What?

Not you.

Look, Vin, I don't know what your problem is,

but your buddy over here

tried to ram a goddamn stake through my chest.

Whoa, he was serious about that?

Yes, he was serious about that, and I'm serious too.

If you don't come here within the next 20 minutes

to pick up your, your friend,

I'm gonna have you both arrested.

(GUNS FIRING ON GAME)

GAMER KID: Ha ha, you lose.

Aw, come on.

GAMER KID: You suck.

Does your mom know you talk like that?

GAMER KID: Does your mom know you pretend to be a man?

So, listen, Doc, I gotta tell you,

that specialist you see, he ain't gonna help you.

I have a much better idea.

Yeah yeah.

Switch it to multi-player, will you?

VIN: All right.

Oh by the way, this was a great idea,

spending $300 on a PlayStation 3.

How the hell was I supposed to know

that your entire clientele consists of 75-year-old widows?

(VIN LAUGHS)

Shut up, Vin.

Oh, don't be so blue, doc.

(LAUGHS) Blue, that's funny.

(LAUGHS) Yeah!

(LAUGHS) Ah.

Seriously, you know, that animal's back.

Bit a few dogs over in Surly Park last night.

I heard it was some meth head.

No no no, I treated those dogs myself.

They're way different from last year's attack.

And it definitely wasn't human bite marks, for sure.

TODD: Oh really?

Well, I'm done.

Yeah, (LAUGHS) that's because I'm just kicking your ass.

No, I have to pick Marcus up at his girl's place.

Wait, that freak has a girlfriend?

(LAUGHS) Yeah,

into some freaky vampire shit.

Oh really?

VIN: Yeah.

Hey, uh, door's that way, man.

Can a guy go take a piss?

You know what, man?

This fucking sucks.

What are you talking about?

This is the most action you got all week.

Yeah, that may be, but I gotta cut out of here.

Where are you going?

TODD: Well, I thought you wanted me

to do your website for you.

Oh yeah, what's the name of that?

FilthyFurries.com.

Soon as I get home, I'm gonna email you all the info.

All right, get out of here, man.

TODD: (laughs) All right, man, see you tomorrow.

(SPOOKY MUSIC)

MARCUS: How does that feel?

You okay, yeah?

(SAM CRIES OUT)

What the hell did you do that for, asshole?

Because you're my prisoner.

I gotta keep you in line.

I'm all tied up.

I can't do shit to you.

Besides, I thought you were like the good guy.

Look at me.

I am a good guy.

Yeah, well good guys don't go around

smacking the shit out of their prisoners, man.

Fine, fine.

No, it's not fine!

That shit hurt like hell!

Quit your whining, kid.

Yeah, well, like the least you could do is like

apologize or something.

For what?

You almost knocked my head off!

The least you could do is apologize!

I am not apologizing for anything, buddy.

Well see, you are a bad guy.

Look.

I am not the bad guy.

Your little hot cheerleader girlfriend, she's the bad guy.

You tried to kill my sister!

Besides, Ashlee ain't like that, man.

She's the sweetest,

most innocent...

Psycho vampire bitch!

No, she's not, man.

She's the most incredible girl in the whole world.

You don't know what the hell you're talking about, kid.

Those things like your girlfriend,

they're bloodthirsty Satan spawn freaks!

And they'll stop at nothing

short of the destruction of humanity!

Just when we're on the brink of extinction.

Then what?

What happens after?

Oh man.

Hello?

Anyone home, man?

(DEMENTED MUSIC)

Then what?

That's when they herd the rest of us like cattle

and breed us on blood farms.

Yeah, blood farms.

It's coming.

Oh yeah, it's coming.

Unless you and I and the rest of us open our eyes.

Can't you see?

You're out of your fucking mind, man.

I'm telling you, Ashlee is not like that,

at all.

No, not Ashlee.

You don't know what you're saying, kid.

I think hanging out with that crazy sister of yours

got your brain all soft.

Just listen to me.

Just untie me and just let me go, man!

And I won't tell anyone about this.

Like, you got my word.

Just forget about killing Ashlee.

(UNFRIENDLY MUSIC)

Forget what?

Forget about this?

Did you see what she did to me?

Yeah.

I don't think so.

You know what?

I don't have to have this conversation with you.

(OMINOUS MUSIC)

Ew, man, ew.

What?

I just got the tape.

It's got your drool all over it, man.

How else am I supposed to?

(OMINOUS MUSIC)

Quit squirming.

There.

Are you happy now?

Yeah, you good, yeah?

- Mm. - Okay, good.

Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

(SCARY MUSIC)

Aw, come on!

Those are brand new tires.

ASHLEE: Well, what if he's dangerous?

Ashlee, you took down a 6'5"

heavily armed, coked-up psychopath.

Look, I don't think that banger boy here

is gonna put much of a fight.

("THOUGHT" BY YANNICK IRELAND)

SAL: Is this the place?

Yep.

All right, just hurry up then.

I'll be back in a minute.

(CREEPY MUSIC)

(KNOCKING ON THE DOOR)

You ready?

Uh,

yeah?

Remember, wait until he comes in first

and then cover him with that thing.

You got it?

Okay.

Okay.

And don't bite him.

(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC)

(KNOCKING ON THE DOOR)

Where's Marcus?

He's inside, come in.

I'm in a hurry.

Just tell him I'm waiting for him.

No, come inside and get him yourself.

VIN: Just go get him.

No, come inside and get him yourself!

I told you I'm in a hurry.

Just go get him.

If you don't come inside, I'm gonna call the fucking cops.

Go ahead, call the cops, I don't care.

Do you want to get arrested?

For what?

Do you want your buddy here to get arrested?

Fine.

Come on!

Okay, so you argue with me this whole time

so I could stand here?

Um, I'm sorry, my roomie's getting dressed.

Oh yeah, is she hot?

(LAUGHS) You're so funny!

I know.

Where's Marcus?

Oh, um, you know,

I never realized how good-looking you were!

Most people don't.

(LAUGHS) Well I sure did.

VIN: Did you just feel something?

Woo! (LAUGHS)

Must be the energy between us.

I don't have time for this.

Where's Marcus?

Um,

oh come on now,

don't you want to spend time with me?

I'll make it worth your while.

Fine.

Do you have any condoms?

Um, yeah.

Um,

let me go get them.

I'll be right back.

VIN: Hurry up, gotta make this quick.

(MYSTERIOUS MUSIC)

(OWL HOOTING)

What is the matter with you?

I couldn't do it!

I just couldn't do it!

Ashlee!

I got scared!

But you kicked that other guy's ass.

That was different.

He was trying to kill you!

If you don't get this guy,

that psychopath is gonna kill Sam!

VIN: Hey, you get lost in there?

Um, no, (LAUGHS) I'll be out in a sec.

Get over there!

- Fine. - Come on!

(OMINOUS MUSIC)

VIN: Whoa, you too?

Ah, what are you doing?

(SHADOWY MUSIC)

(KNOCKING ON THE DOOR)

Shh!

(KNOCKING ON THE DOOR)

SAL: Hey, Vin, you in there?

Did you bring somebody with you?

VIN: My cousin-in-law Sal.

Quick, go get another pillowcase.

(FOREBODING MUSIC)

So, Frankenstein grabs this mad scientist chick

and throws her skinny ass out the window.

No way, man.

And then what?

Okay, I love this part.

This is classic Costello.

He's tied to this operating table,

and electrodes are blasting arcs of light everywhere,

and he turns to Abbott,

and he says, "So, do you believe me now?"

(LAUGHS)

Bro, it's the best,

because the whole movie,

Abbott thinks Costello's full of shit, you know.

And then all of a sudden there he is

staring at this seven-foot-tall monster,

and he realizes

he was telling the truth the whole time, man.

(LAUGHS) Too funny.

Well I guess you don't realize the truth about someone

until it's staring you in the face, huh?

Wow, that's deep.

So anyway, the rest of the movie has the monsters

chasing the two across this castle back and forth,

like one of those old Scooby-Doo cartoons,

which I'm sure you've seen like a million times.

Shaggy's changed my life, man.

(LAUGHS) Yeah, I bet.

So finally, the movie ends with Dracula and Wolfman

falling to their deaths from the castle tower,

and Frankie burns to death.

Come to think of it,

how did Drac and Wolfy bite it from their fall?

It doesn't make any sense.

Yeah, man, but you said

they fell off the side of the castle.

Yeah, but bro,

the only way to kill Dracula

is by sunlight or a stake through the heart.

And everybody knows you need silver bullets

to kill a werewolf.

So neither one of them would've been killed

from their falls.

It doesn't make any freaking sense.

Yeah, but it's Abbott and Costello, right?

It's supposed to be like ha ha funny, you know.

Like, maybe it's a whole part of the big joke.

Yeah, I guess.

Maybe you're right, kid.

Maybe that's the biggest joke of them all.

You know what?

You're all right, Sam.

I'm sorry I slapped you earlier.

No hard feelings, right?

No hard feelings, man.

So I guess you can untie me now.

Yeah, I don't think so, buddy.

SAL: Is this some kind of sex thing?

What?

SAL: Did Marcus put you up to this?

Your friend kidnapped my brother, you asshole.

SAL: Oh.

And now we're gonna swap him out for you two guys.

Isn't that exciting?

SAL: Oh god!

Why didn't you tell me about this, Vin?

VIN: Mm-mm-mm, I thought he was here.

Nope, he's not.

SAL: Oh god, I had nothing to do with this!

Please don't kill me!

We're not gonna kill you.

Just relax.

SAL: I should've stayed in the damn clinic.

What are you, some kind of a doctor?

SAL: Yeah, I'm a vet!

I never hurt anyone in my damn life.

If you're a vet, that means you shot at people,

which means you hurt people,

and that makes you a liar.

SAL: What?

No, I'm a veterinarian.

Oh!

My ex-boyfriend was vegan.

He used to eat a lot of beans,

which gave him gas.

It was really gross.

SAL: No, that's a vegetarian.

I'm a veterinarian,

you know, like animal doctor.

Oh.

Do you have puppies?

SAL: Yeah, we have puppies.

Ah, I love puppies.

Mm.

Oh god!

Oh my god!

SIMONE: Seriously?

Aw, don't be so blue.

Yeah, dude, what's up with your face?

It's called Argyria, Wednesday Addams.

Well that shit better not be contagious,

because I can't go around looking like a damn Smurf!

Aw, I think Smurfette is beautiful.

Ha ha, that's because you're an idiot.

Hey!

It's not contagious, okay.

Fine.

Look, you two, we don't want to start any trouble here.

I want my brother back

just as much as you two want to be free,

so let's get this over with quickly, okay?

(MYSTERIOUS MUSIC)

Where are we going?

We're going to the old Tesla factory.

We're gonna swap you guys out with Sam,

then you're free to go.

(SPOOKY MUSIC)

MAN: Hmm.

("JULY" BY REXX FINAL BEAT)

Can we hurry up with this?

I have to get to work early tomorrow.

You can drop dead, pony boy.

How about you, Dr. Doolittle?

Do you have something to say?

Hey, don't talk to him like that.

He's my cousin-in-law.

I don't give a shit if he's your cousin-in-law.

He could be your father for all I care.

Don't talk about my father.

I didn't talk about your damn father!

You just did.

No, I didn't.

- Yes, you did. - No, I didn't.

- Yes, you did. - I...

He's right, Simone, you did.

You said, "Your damn father,"

and that's just rude!

Would you just shut the hell up?

Whose side are you on anyway?

Keep your eyes on the road.

Your side.

("JULY" BY REXX FINAL BEAT)

(MOVES INTO UNCERTAIN MUSIC)

Are they here yet?

No.

What happens if they're not here on time?

Are you gonna kill me?

Oh come on, man!

I never did anything to you!

Relax.

They'll be here.

If your sister's smart, she'll be here in five.

Five minutes?

What if they get lost?

I'm sure she has a GPS.

Look, man, I don't want to die,

not in here, not like this!

Would you just chill?

Chill?

I have five minutes left to live!

Actually four.

Oh man, ah, I'm really good with computers, man.

Like, I'll fix yours totally free of charge.

Haven't I taught you anything?

Reptoids track us through computers.

Didn't you see Enemy of the State?

Of course I saw Enemy of the State.

That movie didn't have any Reptars.

What?

It's Reptoids, you dopey shit.

You didn't see them, but they were there.

They're the ones running the show from behind the scenes.

Screw that movie, man!

I want to live.

I could be like your sidekick, you know,

like Batman has, like, Robin.

What the hell are you talking about?

You are my hostage.

Robin was never Batman's hostage.

Please, man!

Take a chill pill, junior.

I'm not gonna kill you.

I need you for the bloodsucker.

Don't hurt her, man,

not my Ashlee!

Oh.

So now she's your Ashlee.

I know this is hard for you, kid.

She's obviously glamored you

into being her obedient puppy dog.

My brain's too strong for that shit.

Once I slay her,

you'll be free of her spell once and for all.

(WEIGHTY MUSIC)

Looks like this is your lucky day.

(PHONE RINGING)

Hello?

SIMONE: Let me speak to my brother.

MARCUS: Yeah, there's no talking on the phone,

not on my watch.

Well before you do anything to my brother,

you might want to speak to your little boyfriend over here.

Hey, man.

MARCUS: Goddamn, son of a bitch!

Whoa.

Take it easy.

We're all tied up here.

I was gonna come alone, but Sal wanted to come too,

and he's tied up in the back.

What?

VIN: Can we hurry this up?

It's kind of late

and I really have to go to work early in the morning.

Goddammit!

Hey, that's my iPhone, dude!

Your sister's a sneaky little bitch.

No, it's not her.

It's your little vampire friend.

She thinks she can outsmart me.

Okay, let's get this over with.

Yay!

(OMINOUS MUSIC)

(GATE CREAKS)

Where are they?

I don't know.

Do you think Sam is dead?

What?

Ashlee, no!

Why would you say something like that?

I don't know.

I was just trying to make conversation.

You have a real fucked up way of doing that.

(PHONE RINGS)

Shit!

Whoa, watch that, dude!

Shut up!

(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC)

Hello?

(MISTY MUSIC)

I heard your phone, asshole!

Hey, if you don't show yourself,

I'm gonna kill your buddies over here.

Ashlee!

Why are you yelling?

I'm right here.

Okay.

Um, rip that guy's head off!

Oh god, no!

Are you crazy?

I'm just making it up, idiot.

Just play along.

Okay, Simone.

Um, I'm gonna go and rip this guy's head off

and then he will die.

Was that okay?

It was fine.

Hey!

(STRANGE TECHNO MUSIC)

Oh my god, Sam!

Back off, freak show!

This wasn't part of the deal.

Yeah, well, I decided to change the rules, asshole!

You didn't decide anything!

She did.

What?

Yeah.

I know it was you, bloodsucker.

You're the one who masterminded this whole plan.

Well you know what?

No matter what happens here tonight,

you're not gonna make it out of here alive.

She's not alive, brainiac.

You know what I mean.

Oh my god!

Sam!

Don't you hurt him!

(OMINOUS MUSIC)

(GLASS BREAKING)

(MOVES INTO CREEPY MUSIC)

Give her to me,

and I'll let your brother live!

No!

You give me my brother

or I will have her rip their heads off!

Can't you see?

She has you under her spell.

Her?

Are you kidding me?

She has the IQ of a lab rat.

Hey, that's not nice!

Ashlee, I'm trying to save my brother here.

Well, if I wanted to,

I can do that thing, like you said.

Shut up, you!

I know what you're trying to do.

You're making her think that you're not in control

so now I think that she's in control.

(PERPLEXED MUSIC)

(RINGING)

Oh, what is that?

Are you okay?

Oh, yeah, it's just that...

I'm getting tired of waiting.

Bring her to me or I'm gonna kill him!

Don't you hurt him!

I swear to god I'm gonna do it!

No!

(SIMONE SCREAMS)

No!

What the fuck?

All of you are fucking psychopaths!

I don't want to do this!

What are you doing?

You forced my hand!

You're screwing everything up!

I'm getting us out of here!

Come on, Vin!

It's about time.

I'll see you tomorrow, Marcus.

Hey, can you untie me?

Uh, sure.

Grab him, Ashlee!

What?

Grab him!

Aw come on.

I gotta get some sleep, yo.

She's a female, Vin!

Lose her!

(VIN CRIES OUT)

She isn't normal!

Yeah, she got me with a powerful grip.

I'm sorry, she told me to do it!

It's okay.

Just be gentle.

Hey, you better tell your friend to...

To what, huh?

What are you gonna do, kill me?

(SNEAKY MUSIC)

I just want to go home!

Well you're not the only one!

Why don't you let him go?

Don't let him go, Ashlee!

Let him go!

Don't let him go!

Let him go!

I will not let him go!

Let me go.

I will not let you go.

Let me go!

I'll never let you go.

Let me go.

I'll never let you go.

♪ No no no no no no no ♪

Oh mamma mia.

Simone!

(FERAL TECHNO MUSIC)

Vin!

(ASHLEE SCREAMING)

Get her off him.

(ASHLEE SCREAMING)

Prepare to meet your maker, spawn of...

SIMONE: Hey!

(SAM SCREAMS)

What the hell?

Munchkins!

Goddamn munchkins!

Hey, guys.

Ring toss?

How you feeling, doc?

Ugh, I know that guy.

Me too.

(LAUGHS) Hey, all right,

looks like you got your color back.

(ASHLEE COUGHS)

Ew, gross, what,

what is this?

That's disgusting.

As if!

I just set you free, doc.

Here, let me show you.

No, turn it off, turn it off!

Oh my god!

What is that noise?

I don't hear anything.

Oh shit!

Oh no you don't!

Yeah, pal, I'm not gonna let you hurt my Ashlee.

It's not her, it's that guy.

If we don't stop him, we're all gonna be in big trouble.

(LAUGHS) Nobody's stopping me, buddy.

In fact, why don't we just kick this up a notch, huh?

(RINGING)

What is that?

(SAL SCREAMS)

How you feeling, doc?

(SAL SCREAMS)

(SAL HOWLS)

(DRAMATIC MUSIC)

(CLOTH RIPPING)

(GROWLING)

(CREEPY MUSIC)

(GROWLING)

(SLAMMING)

(ASHLEE AND SIMONE SCREAM)

Shit, it's a dead end!

(PERPLEXED MUSIC)

(SIMONE GASPS)

Um, guys.

(OMINOUS MUSIC)

(HOWLS)

I got this.

(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC)

(GROWLS)

Oh.

It's about time you showed up.

You know, (LAUGHS) it took me a while to find you guys.

(FEROCIOUS MUSIC)

Marcus, I got your back.

(CLATTERING)

(GRUNTING)

(ANGRY MUSIC)

(GROWLING)

(BODY THUDS)

(HOWLS)

Get out of the way, slime ball!

You two can leave.

Not you, sweet cheeks, not you.

(GROWLING)

(CRAZED MUSIC)

(GRUNTING)

(ASHLEE GASPS)

Ew!

What is that?

Just some dog pheromones to get the action started.

Knock it off, dude.

This ain't funny.

(ANGRY MUSIC)

(GROWLS)

(THUDS)

Vin.

(WRATHFUL MUSIC)

(SAM SCREAMS)

Vin.

Mom, mom?

Hey, buddy.

You're not my mom.

I wish I knew how to quit you.

Now come on, let's go.

Simone.

(GROWLING)

Are you okay?

I think I'll be all right.

(GROWLING)

Well, (LAUGHS) it's about damn time.

(TROUBLED MUSIC)

Hey there, Squid fans.

It's your old Uncle Todd

reporting to you live with an unprecedented event,

and have I got a surprise for you.

I was gonna keep this in my private video stash,

but I decided it's just too good not to share!

So I present to you the gonzo porn event of the century,

a vampire and a werewolf in

Monster Fuckbags!

(UNFRIENDLY MUSIC)

Hey, get out of the shot, junior!

Let go of her!

You're gonna get yourself killed, kid.

Here.

Watch it, buddy.

Huh?

Hey, you want to be a cowboy?

Hell yeah, partner.

(DETERMINED MUSIC)

SIMONE: Hey.

You just read my mind.

Hey, blue balls!

Come get some.

Oh come on!

(PERPLEXED MUSIC)

Now, kid!

(GROWLING)

(SERIOUS TECHNO MUSIC)

Don't mind me.

(GROWLING)

(TODD LAUGHS)

(RINGING)

Ow!

(GROWLING)

(ROPE CREAKING)

Marcus!

(METALLIC CREAKING)

(TENSE MUSIC)

(THUDDING)

(GROWLING)

Shit!

(SERIOUS TECHNO MUSIC)

How about a little bit more of eau du Fido?

No, what are you doing?

Crazy bitch!

(CRASHING)

(TODD SCREAMS)

Hey there, Squid fans.

There are some interesting developments happening

at this very moment.

Good old Uncle Todd decided to, uh, well,

get in on some of the doggy action.

So stick around!

You don't want to miss this.

(TODD SCREAMING)

(DREADFUL MUSIC)

(SCREAMS)

(EVERYONE GROANS)

That's gross!

So much for Asian stereotypes.

(TODD SOBBING)

(WEIGHTY MUSIC)

You knew he was a werewolf, didn't you?

Used to bite all the local dogs

to get patients for his veterinary clinic.

Some racket.

It was, until we got pieces of Vin's mom silverware

into his blood.

That's how his skin turned blue.

She's still pissed off about that.

(HOWLING)

He must've just finished.

Shouldn't we discuss what we're gonna do

with those two in there?

After what we just went through, no.

I think we should just go home now.

Hey, we're all in this together.

Fine.

I admit it.

I miscalculated a few things,

but we made a pretty good team in there.

When we weren't trying to kill each other.

I thought we made a great team.

Hey, bloodsucker!

(SENTIMENTAL MUSIC)

You're all right.

Looks like Van Helsing's had a change of heart.

Who's Van Helsing?

(EMOTIONAL MUSIC)

Can I get my keys back, dude?

(WEIGHTY MUSIC)

Need a lift?

Yeah, man.

I gotta work in four hours.

(BITTERSWEET MUSIC)

♪ You took too much ♪

♪ Heavy-handed ♪

♪ Just to stay in touch ♪

♪ You were always free ♪

♪ With freedom so incomplete ♪

♪ It's all as was ♪

♪ Find a key there ♪

♪ While you're reaching up ♪

♪ I know what you've done ♪

♪ Did it all for ♪

♪ One to love ♪

♪ And then it happened again ♪

♪ You can't control what history knows ♪

♪ Disgrace cover your face ♪

♪ Trying to hide what the daylight shows ♪

♪ Like that flat on your back ♪

♪ Get what you want whatever the cost ♪

♪ My love it's in your blood ♪

♪ Came to the world already lost ♪

♪ It starts in parts ♪

♪ It stops and hesitates ♪

♪ You won't lack a scar ♪

♪ It was over when you went too far ♪

♪ Take back what's been done ♪

♪ Here I am while you hold the gun ♪

♪ You were never free ♪

♪ Your blood has you in too deep ♪

♪ You're mixing it in ♪

♪ You're mixing it in ♪

♪ You're mixing it in ♪

♪ You're mixing it in ♪

♪ Now you're mixing it in ♪

♪ Now you're mixing it in ♪

♪ Now you're mixing it in ♪

♪ Now ♪

♪ And then it happened again ♪

♪ You can't control what history knows ♪

♪ Disgrace cover your face ♪

♪ Trying to hide what the daylight shows ♪

♪ Like that flat on your back ♪

♪ Get what you want whatever the cost ♪

♪ My love it's in your blood ♪

♪ Came to the world already lost ♪

(SPOOKY MUSIC)

Todd.

(EERIE MUSIC)

Subtitles by explosiveskull