Original subtitles

Congratulations on your new satellite dish.

For your safety, always blah, blah, blah.

Never blah, blah, blah.

How does the satellite dish work?

Well, honey, you know when you look in the sky, you see stars?

Mm -hmm. Well, those are the stars of your favorite TV shows.

And the satellite dish sucks them out of the sky like a magic vacuum cleaner and

puts them in our TV.

You know, eventually she's going to get older and know you're just making stuff

up.

Am I?

Yeah, you just told her that satellites suck TV shows out of the sky.

Don't they?

Dad, it doesn't make it true just because you say it like a question.

Doesn't it?

Grandfather will be here any minute. I can't wait to see Grandpa.

I could really use the money.

Hey, hey, what did I tell you about taking money from your grandfather?

No, you could have.

Damn right.

Now go upstairs and put on that ugly reindeer sweater he sent you for

Good idea.

See, I earned my half.

Hello, loved ones and tolerated one.

Hello, lifelong consequence of my sister's attempt to make another man

Bill, your father called from the expressway. He should be here any

great. That gives me about five minutes to grow a backbone and become a man, for

God's sake.

To quote the last Christmas card he sent me.

Try and make an effort. He drove all the way up from Florida to see us, and you

can use this time to work on your relationship.

We have worked on it. We got it down to 20 beautiful minutes once every few

years.

Beautiful, huh? You two sit on the couch barely talking while he eats a bag of

nuts, and once they're gone, so is he.

I don't get it. He's such a sweet guy.

You only like him because he feeds you all those cheesy compliments.

I do not.

God, that's probably him.

I do realize you're prettying yourself up for my dad, right?

You think I look pretty?

Pretty creepy.

Hey, Grandpa.

Oh, my God, look at the size of you, sport.

Last time I was here, you were a little pipsqueak.

Now it looks like this joint has a bouncer.

Hey, Dad! Mommy!

Grandpa!

Look at you two, carrot -thumping, pudding -pop as beautiful as ever.

I'm wearing that sweater that you sent me.

Did you put that on just so I'd give you money?

Because it's working.

I want money, too.

Tina, I want money, please.

Please. As long as you can answer one question. How does your mother get

every year?

Did you just giggle?

Well, look at this one.

One sister just as pretty as the next.

Oh, get out of here.

Or stay.

Okay, kids, go put half your money away.

Hey, Dad.

Hey, Bill, good to see you. Come here, son.

Oh!

So, Al, how's Juanita? She's fine.

Let me tell you something, Bill.

It takes a brave man to marry a woman 20 years his junior.

They can be very demanding.

At bedtime.

Sexually. Dad, Dad, forget it.

So how's it going at that department store? They promote you to the makeup

counter yet?

Hey, I'm kidding.

Why are you so sensitive?

I didn't say anything.

Okay, okay, I'll back off.

Okay, we'll let you two talk. I'm sure you have a lot to catch up on.

So how was the drive?

Good.

How's work?

Good.

How's your mother?

Good.

Nut? Yeah, she, uh, oh.

I just wish Bill would develop some sort of relationship with his father. I

mean, he never comes by. The kids barely know their grandfather.

Yeah, that's sad.

But the important thing is, he said I was pretty.

Honey, come say goodbye. My dad's leaving.

Already?

Al, we were hoping you'd stay for dinner.

No, thanks, honey. I got to check into my motel, and then I'm getting together

with some friends.

Well, Bill, why don't you go with your dad?

What? What?

and you'd love to have him there, wouldn't you, Al?

I guess.

You want to go?

I guess.

Great! So where are you guys going to go?

I'm meeting some buddies from the steel mill. You know, we're going to go to the

Sears Tower and visit our old pal Ernie and have a drink.

Oh, Ernie lives in the Sears Tower?

Sort of. He fell into the blast furnace when we were making the beams.

We're pretty sure he's holding up the 32nd floor.

So you toasted him, now you're toasting him.

Hey, a little respect for the dead.

Sorry.

So I'm punching the hell out of Ernie, but that dumb son of a bitch won't go

down.

There was no quit in that dumb son of a bitch. Yeah, and now I got a problem.

Ernie's one of my best friends, but that dumb son of a bitch really holds a

grudge. Oh, you ought to love that dumb son of a bitch.

What were you guys fighting about?

What the hell difference does that make?

So now, I got a dilemma.

I gotta give him enough of a beating so that he don't remember what happened,

but not enough so that he dies!

And Ernie's back at work the next day.

That's how precise a beating your old man could lay on someone.

Glass, you deaf bastard, with toasting Ernie.

Oh, Ernie.

Hey, Al, you ought to tell that story about how you beat him up.

Grinds is a little hard of hearing.

Too many shifts near the grinder.

So, Al, how come you never got your boy a job at the mill? Well, he couldn't

have cut it. He was always the clean fingernails, book -running type.

Oh, then he's a college boy, huh?

I only went for six weeks.

Yeah, we're drinking with Walter Shakespeare over here.

It's William.

Oh, college boy wants us to call him William.

No, no, no, that's not my name. That's Shakespeare's. Well, it is my name, too,

but... Calm down, son. You're embarrassing yourself.

Look, let's get out of here and find a place to watch the hockey game. You

I just got a new satellite dish. We can watch it back at my place. Fine.

Slim, Scully, and I will meet you there.

See you there, college boy. I plunked out.

What? I flunked out.

Hey, hey, watch your mouth. This is a classy place.

Grinds, that's mine.

Grinds, that's my beer.

Grind!

Ah, keep it.

Oh, look who's home from the bar early.

You can say old geezer. He can't hear a word you're saying.

Where's your dad?

Well, he was supposed to meet us back here, but that was a couple hours ago,

I'm guessing he ditched us.

Why would he do that?

Because he didn't want me to go in the first place, and I didn't want to go.

only person who wants us to be together is you.

You are being so stubborn. I am not being stubborn. I just decided a long

ago it's just not worth it. Oh, yes.

The famous bow hunting trip let it go. Three miserable days of him trying to

make me into a man, for God's sake.

What do you need a tent for? Shelter, Dad. How about shelter?

Bears don't need tents. Yeah, because they have fur and a cave.

Where's my cave, Dad?

Oh, that's nice. You made it into a little play.

He caps it all off by putting a fake arrow through his head and letting me

I shot him. It was a little joke.

Oh, yeah, real funny.

Knock, knock. Who's there? You killed your father.

I'm turning in.

Grimes, Grimes, this isn't your house.

You don't live here.

Grimes!

Hey.

Hey, Grimes.

Oh, Ronald's coming over. We're going to train for the Math Olympics.

Math Olympics?

What country are you competing for?

Nerdlandia?

Go ahead and joke, Dad, but these math competitions are fierce and grueling.

Your father and I will be there Saturday to cheer you on. Oh, Saturday.

Let me just check my day planner.

Ah, that's the night of the WCW Slugfest.

Dad, don't worry about it. It's just the regional finals.

You know, most parents will have a video camera. Maybe I can get you a tape.

Great. We'll put it with the others.

What? He said it was okay.

But he doesn't mean it, and it's not okay.

Judy, it's a math meet.

And math plus bill equals slumber.

Hello?

Yeah, Al Miller's my father.

What?

Where?

Okay, okay, we'll be right there. That was Good Samaritan Hospital. Apparently

my dad's in the cardiac ward.

Oh, my God, Brian!

You know, we'll be back in a little while. Don't tell the kids. You're

don't want to panic them.

Panic me about what?

Nothing. Your mother and I just have to rush down to the hospital. The hospital?

No big deal. If you need us, we'll be in the cardiac ward. The cardiac ward?

Nice job not panicking him, Bill. I didn't tell him it was Grandpa.

Grandpa?

My God, he looks terrible. This can't be good.

We don't know that.

Judy, this has got... to be serious. My dad never goes to doctors. This is the

guy who once told me a little gangrene never hurt anybody.

That's his dad. Could you tell us what's wrong with him?

Let's see.

Well, you'll have to wait for the doctor, but if you want to say something

him, I'd say it quick.

Did you hear that?

Okay, calm down. We don't have all the details.

She said if I want to talk to him, I should do it quick.

Stop assuming the worst. That could mean anything.

Like what, Judy? What?

What? I don't know. Your father's dying. I was trying to be nice.

Bill.

Bill. He's waking up. What should I do?

Talk to him. This could be your last chance.

Hey, Dad.

Man, I don't know what happened.

I was having this terrible pain, so I took a cab over here.

And now they're doing all sorts of tests on my heart.

Bill, in case I don't get a chance to say it, sorry for ditching you last

No.

Oh, it was funny.

Grind state for breakfast.

Phil, I'm glad you had fun. Sometimes I feel like... like you don't like

spending time with me. No, I don't know where you got that. I love spending time

with you.

Really? Sure, we had some great times together.

What was your favorite?

Just pick one. Any one at all.

Uh... Well, I guess that bow hunting trip we went on was fun.

Oh, I thought you hated that trip.

No, it really toughened me up. You know, being in the forest in the dead of

winter. You pretending I killed you.

Me crying till my face froze.

Dick. That was a fun time.

I hope we can do that again sometime.

You think we can?

Yeah.

Sure. It'll be great to do that again.

All right, Mr. Miller.

Your tests were fine. You can go home.

I'm okay, Doc? He's okay?

Yeah, just a little acid reflux.

You might be a little shaky for a couple of hours. That's why I called your son

to drive you home. So my father's not dying?

Dying, no. He'll bury us all.

But the nurse said if we had something to say to him, we should say it quick.

Yeah, she is a real stickler for her visiting hours.

Tonight, take it easy. Tomorrow, back to normal.

The big question is, when can I go bow hunting with my son?

Anytime. You hear that, son?

The Miller men have a date with the great outdoors.

Okay, visiting hours are over.

You couldn't have said that the first time?

Bravo, C -SPAN, MTV, history, showtime, cooking, learning, QVC, Chinese,

Chinese, Chinese.

What are you doing? I thought you and your dad would be getting ready for the

big bow hunting trip. I haven't heard from him. I'm just hoping he's forgotten

all about it.

You know, kind of like my birthdays, my graduation.

My first name a couple of times.

Oh, what a beautiful day out there.

Billy, get your lazy butt off that sofa. Come and help me with this stuff.

Where'd you get all this?

I borrowed it from Slim for our trip tomorrow.

Tomorrow?

Yeah. I learned the other day that the future is now.

Life is a very precious thing.

Let's go out there and kill us some deer.

Gee, Dad, I don't know.

Bill's not really the hunting type of guy.

Don't sell Bill short as a hunter. After all, he bagged the most beautiful girl

in Chicago.

Oh, go on, you!

Have a good weekend.

Thing is, Dad, I was planning to watch a fight tomorrow night.

What fight? I ordered the WCW Slugfest on pay -per -view.

What, that fake wrestling with the phony balonies and tights? That's not a

fight. Come out on the lawn, I'll show you a fight.

Dad, I'm not going out on the lawn with you. I'm only kidding. I know you have a

sense of humor.

I've seen you try and play football.

Listen to me, son.

I realized something in that hospital bed.

I have made a lot of unfair remarks about you being a candy ass.

And I just want to say I'm sorry.

Thank you.

It's all my fault that you're a candy ass.

What? I raised you soft, but I gotta hand it to you. It took a lot of guts to

come to that hospital and beg me to finally make a man out of you.

Well, I just thank God we have the second chance.

You promised me he was dying.

He looked like he was. Well, you're supposed to know for sure. I count on

medical expertise.

I'm a dental assistant. I make appointments and tell people to bite

this.

Well, bite down on this, because of you, I'm stuck going to the woods with a

maniac armed with steel -tipped arrows, which are probably made out of his old

co -workers.

I just wanted you to have some sort of relationship with your father, but

clearly that is not going to happen. So if you don't want to go on this trip,

why don't you just tell him? Because I can't.

I look him in the eye and he gives me that scary dad glare.

Well, then, fine. Be afraid of him for the rest of your life. But you know

Bill? He's not that scary.

Well, not to you, maybe. The girl with the angel eyes and the smile that can

light up a room.

He treats me differently to how he treats you. I just wish you'd understand

that.

Angel eyes? Really?

Lantern. Check.

Compass.

Latrine. What?

Okay, we are off to the Math Olympics.

Yeah, have fun on your trip, Dad.

You want a bow and arrow in case one of them refs makes a bad call?

No, I've got my weapon right here.

Corpus callosum?

Tell the left brain what the right brain is thinking.

Oh, good luck, then.

Oh, you guys are getting ready for the big trip?

Bill, isn't there something you want to get out of your system that's been

bothering you? You know, something that's been weighing you down for a long

time? Don't worry, Judy. We got this.

Oh, good luck, honey.

Hey, I told you to turn off that stupid wrestling.

This is research. That sleeper hole might come in handy if I don't kill the

all the way.

Okay, that's it.

What are you doing?

Exactly what I did with your baby blanket 40 years ago.

Why would you do that?

I'm doing you a favor.

Listen, son.

You have to learn how to live life instead of just watching it. And when

back from this trip, you will be able to set a better example for that boy of

yours. Make him more of a man.

What's that supposed to mean?

Math Olympics.

Since when is math a sport, for God's sake?

Brian's fine.

He doesn't need to change. And I'm not going to pull the same crap on him you

pulled on me.

What are you trying to say, Bill?

I'm trying to say... I hated that bow -hunting trip.

I didn't want to go then. I don't want to go now.

I only said all those nice things at the hospital because I thought you were

dying.

And I don't know why I'd bother.

You're never going to change.

Oh, ha, ha, yeah, look who's dying again.

That's not going to work this time, Dad.

Oh, very funny, look who's turning blue.

Oh, crap.

Prove that the altitudes of a triangle are bisectors in the triangle formed by

connecting the meeting points of the altitudes with the sides of the original

triangle.

What are you doing here?

Hunting trip's off.

Where's your dad?

In the hospital.

So how's it going?

In the hospital? What happened?

I broke his rib. I'm licking him. So what did I mention?

Bill! He'll be fine. He was choking on a peanut. The important thing is, I

finally told him what I thought.

So you finally got through to him, huh?

He'll never change. But since I put him in the hospital, he's a little scared of

me.

You came to see Brian. Yeah, well, I decided I should work on a relationship

can actually do something about.

Question 33.

Mathletes on your mark.

Let A, B, C, and D be integers of decreasing value greater than zero.

Suppose that A times C plus B times D equals the product of B plus D plus A

minus C times B plus D minus A plus C.

Prove that A times B...

Plus C times D is none.

Is she dumb?

I think so.

Oh, Brian!

That's my boy.

Isn't that your dad?

No.

For never was a story of more woe than this of Juliet and her Romeo.

You know, Al, your son is a nice boy.

But he can't write worth crap.

I wouldn't have it any other way Cause you make me happy You

make me happy