Original subtitles

It's 8 .30, guys. The 8 o 'clock bus will be here in 10 minutes.

I've still got to get ready.

Ben, school.

I forgot to give you guys this. It's a letter from the Parents Association.

Ixnay on the Adderley, Carol.

Let me see that.

Dear fellow parents, our program of weekly dances is in jeopardy owing to

fact that many of you have not fulfilled your parental responsibilities and made

yourselves available for chaperoning.

You know who you are, and more importantly, we know who you are.

Sincerely, Mrs. Adolf Hitler.

June Hinckley, president of the Parent Association.

Nice tone.

Now, come on. Now, busy people like you guys have far better things to do than

to hang around and smell gin.

Embarrassing, Mike. Yeah, I know.

Embarrassed? That was her word, not my word, Mom.

I don't care if they chaperone dances.

Bye.

Because you've never been to one.

Mike, did you get one of these letters?

Yeah, sure.

Well, where is it?

Come on, Mom, give me some kind of credit here.

Look, I'm not going to bother you guys with a stupid letter like that.

Look, I try to screen these things for you guys.

You know, cut down on the junk mail. Protect your valuable time.

Suck to the ceiling of the boys' jar.

again.

Ben, the bus.

Use it or lose it.

Come on, Ben, I think you're spending far too much time studying and not

enough horsing around.

Hey. I'm kidding. Ben knows when the old dad is kidding.

Right, Ben?

I'm a lord.

I'm a lord?

It's the Robin Hood. That's the school play this year.

Oh, you mean you weren't calling me my lord as a measure of respect?

That's funny, Dad.

See, he does know when... His old dad's kidding.

This year, I'm going to get a part.

Well, let's hope. But I remember last year's auditions, how heartbroken you

were. Come on, Dad. I was just a kid.

Ah, I see. So this year is the only adult in the third grade. You ought to

a big edge.

That's how I figure it. Well, good luck.

Bye, honey.

Break a leg.

What?

Figure of speech.

Jason, when you were Mike's age, would you have been afraid or embarrassed to

have your parents chaperone?

Oh, sure. I went through that stage. My dad volunteered to chaperone one of our

class trips.

I begged him not to.

The dad, but I'm not going to do anything. He said, well, that's fine.

can not do it with me there.

You're looking good, Dad. Vicious ensemble, Mom.

Let's have a nice day night here.

Mom,

I might miss that darn bus.

Open the coat.

Who went?

Mike, do you really think you dressed appropriately for school?

Heck no. Why would I want to do that?

Change now.

Dad. Mike.

Now, Mike, if you think that this conveys the proper image, not just for

yourself, but for the family you represent, then by all means, go ahead

a rubber fowl on your stomach.

See ya.

Jason.

I don't know why that works, but it's really starting to burn me up.

You know, um, you shouldn't judge the school by the first day.

And you have to... Overlook all the average people.

It is a public school.

Well, I'm used to that, Carol.

You'd be surprised how many average people there are in Los Angeles.

My old science teacher wouldn't even let me build a small model of a

thermonuclear device for a science project.

Fission or fusion?

Oh, fusion, of course.

Of course.

I plan to fit in at this school.

I've already joined the dance decoration committee.

Oh?

Will you be, um, at the dance then tomorrow night?

Sure.

Will you, um, be dancing?

I haven't made up my mind yet.

I might just observe.

Hi, Mike.

Here's gunk breath.

Brother.

That's what all my patients said.

required rehearsing this part won't interfere with your study.

That's the best part.

I can be in the play, go to all the parties, and all I have to do is lay

My son, the rock.

Yeah.

Now, Jason, I want to talk to you about this shirt. Now, this is the proper

image you wish to convey, not only for yourself, but for the family you

represent. Okay, all right.

All right. It's a shame, though.

I was thinking of wearing it. this when your mom and I chaperone your school

dance.

What?

You're not really going to chaperone.

Had you going there for a second, didn't I?

Hey,

wait a minute. What's this?

What? For the first time in your life, you two agree on something.

That's better.

I thought you said you didn't care whether they chaperoned or not.

Hey, Carol, you don't even go to these dances.

Well, I might go to this one. I'm keeping my options open. And she just

go because that geek out on the front porch wants to go.

He's not a geek. He's from Los Angeles.

You're breathing heavy for him, Carol.

You know, you're just afraid that if Mom and Dad chaperone, you won't be able to

wear makeup and go slow dancing and run off into the parking lot with that goon.

Hey, Cole!

Parking lot?

My little girl?

Heavy breathing?

Los Angeles?

Don't listen to him, Dad.

You know, chaperoning is not all bad.

What? Dad, I'm not gonna do anything.

Fine. Then you cannot do it with me there.

If you want to hit me, I won't stop you.

Oh, see.

I knew it. I can't wear this. Chaperones are supposed to look stodgy and

respectable. Well, why don't you wear this one?

You think that dress is stodgy?

This one?

Stodgy? I'm kidding.

I love this dress. It's my favorite dress.

I have dreams about this dress.

Oh, sweetheart, I haven't had the chance to tell you how surprised and happy I

was that you changed your mind and agreed to do this.

It shows real maturity.

Well, that's me, mature yet curiously juvenile.

And, of course, the fact that Carol's going had nothing to do with it. Carol

who?

It's okay.

It's okay.

I love you when you're hopelessly old -fashioned. Mm -hmm.

You realize this is exactly the sort of behavior we're supposed to prevent

tomorrow night.

But this is tonight.

Isn't life crazy?

I mean, I meet you for the first time yesterday, and then I find out that

on the same decorating committee.

Crazy, crazy, crazy.

My parents are chaperoning tonight.

I'm sorry.

Thank you. It was quite a shock.

I can imagine.

My parents chaperoned once.

How was it?

It was mortifying.

They... Carol, they danced.

My father started flailing his arms like some huge thrashing machine.

My mother, she kind of hopped and clapped and yelled, hey, in time to the

What a nightmare.

Ward? Mrs. Hinkley.

You've done our school proud, as usual.

Thank you, Ward.

If all the ladies... and the Parents Association were like you, it would sure

change my life.

Thank you.

Uh, we loved your chaperone letter. Really did the trick.

Wonderful. Who is chaperoning tonight?

The Seavers.

Ward. Uh, yes?

I don't know.

Maybe it's okay for a man to run a psychiatric practice out of the home,

maybe it's all right for a woman to go back to work just when her children need

her most.

Maybe letting our offspring run wild is hunky -dory.

Maybe I'm just old -fashioned.

Could be.

Ward.

Ward, I'm worried about deceivers.

I mean, the type of people we need for chaperone should be able to control

own children.

Wow, that's a pretty high standard.

Boy, your parents sound worse than mine.

Hi, honey.

Hi. You're home early.

Slow news day.

Oh, well, then the lord and lady of the manor have the castle all to themselves.

Mm -hmm.

Hey, guys, how you doing?

I'll get it.

That does it. I quit the play.

Oh, Ben, you're not going to be a rock after all?

No way.

Friar Tuck sits on me all through act two.

That's okay. Then we can chaperone another time. Mm -hmm.

Well, uh, thank you for calling, Mrs. Hitler. Hankley.

All right.

Bye.

You mean we aren't chaperoning? No.

Oh, somebody pinched me. I'm dreaming. This is great.

No, it's not.

What are you, nuts?

Forget it. I already know the answer.

Did she tell you why?

Well, apparently they've double -booked the chaperones this week.

Well, she lied to you.

The reason you're not chaperoning is because you're unacceptable parents.

Unacceptable parents?

Carol, you heard this?

Not just me.

Scotty Siegler heard every word of it.

All right!

I don't get it.

She said, I have a mother who abandoned me, a brother who's a delinquent, a

father who runs a mental ward at home.

She made...

of the week.

I'll kill her.

Maggie, don't get upset.

Jason, how can you stand there so calmly?

Actually, I have deeply rooted feelings of anger and hostility.

I just refuse to give vent to them until we find out if there's some

misunderstanding.

I'll give her a vent.

So you're all over school by tomorrow?

Oh, Carol, it will not. How's anybody going to hear?

Norman, I'm not kidding. That's what they said.

Unacceptable.

I have someone else on the other line.

Mike, this is nothing to brag about.

I know, Jerry.

Hello? Oh, hi, Jerry. Oh, you heard.

Yeah. You know, my parents have been a mile of that.

I'll never live this down.

Just a minute. Yesterday, you were embarrassed because we were acceptable.

Exactly.

Now, do you see what you're putting me through?

This is absolutely unbelievable.

Yeah, regardless.

is to hold your temper. Yes. Are you lying? Yes.

Boom.

Hi -ho. You must be the Seavers.

Call me Jimbo.

Hi -ho.

Go on in. I have BBQ detail tonight.

See, these are reasonable people.

Mr. and Mrs.

Seaver, how nice of you to insist on dropping by.

Yes, well, uh, hello, my name's Jason. Uh -uh -uh.

How do you do? Now, what's all this crud? Uh, we won't take up much of your

time, Mrs. Hinkley. We just thought we should come by and clear up a little

misunderstanding.

Well, won't you sit down?

Yes. Yes, we will. Thank you very much.

Well, the thing is that we heard this crazy rumor that you said, and this is

probably all wrong, but that you said something about us being unacceptable

parents.

Oh, dear. I'm afraid that wasn't meant for your ears.

So you did say that?

Oh, yes.

Because we're... When the hell do you get off ruining our reputation?

We don't use that word in our home.

Damn it! How can you say that one?

Well, I have two more words you won't like, June.

Yeah?

No. No, I won't. Now I'm getting carried away here. It's okay, Jason. Get

carried away. No, no. I would like to make one more attempt at some real

communication here.

I...

One goes out for an evening. One dresses properly for the occasion.

Oh, but Mother, look. You know what Mother likes.

Nuts. Excuse me?

Yes, Mother.

Children.

Hold on to your slipcovers, June, because I'm a... Maggie, Maggie, Maggie,

what's the point?

We're not on the same planet here. And if we stay any longer, we're just going

to make ourselves crazy.

And we probably will end up hurling obscenities at this woman, and what

that accomplish?

Oh, what the heck, let's give it a shot.

Junebug, these burgers are very close.

Where's your sister?

In her room.

Where's the couch?

I don't know. It was here a minute ago.

Okay, I'll clean it up.

Nah, nah, don't clean it up. Don't be... Don't worry. Come here. Put those feet

up here. Leave those shoes on. Be a kid.

This is the way I like Ben.

Sloppy, lazy.

A real kid.

And if we're such bad parents, how did Carol turn out so well? That's right.

Mike. Mike's perfect.

out my head.

But the point is, nobody says we did a bad job raising our kids. And nobody

tells us we can't chaperone.

I'm surprised that they made it a crime to talk to my parents.

Well,

I guess you wore the right dress.

Hey, a nice day.

The fact that you're here doesn't make you chaperone.

And the fact that you're here doesn't mean you're here.

Okay, now let's go way back and do a little tribute to our ancestors.

Here's some ginny wine for you, Rock, and that means our chaperones must

as you brought it up

stigma phase after a year or two.

You know, actually, your parents aren't too bad.

Look.

Hey, are those your parents dancing?

Uh, no, no, my parents couldn't make it tonight. They may have to leave the

country.

Oh, no, that's them.

Who? The ones with all the moves.

Parents are reasonably cool.

he walks me home?

Sure. But Dad!

Oh.

Okay. Thanks.

Okay.

You guys got away with it once.

I don't want this to go to your heads.

This is a hot dress, Mom.

Please don't ever wear it in front of my friends again.

Foggy rock, indeed.

Well, let's go, Foggy.

Let's rock.