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Hello, everyone.
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Hey, Daddy.
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Sun?
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Ah, it's a beautiful day, huh?
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The sun is brighter and the roses smell
fresher.
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00:00:11,120 --> 00:00:12,760
And does anyone know why?
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You clipped your eyebrows and mustache
so you can actually see and smell things
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00:00:16,660 --> 00:00:17,710
now?
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00:00:18,320 --> 00:00:20,860
Oh, Michael, you what? But I can't hear
you today.
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00:00:21,600 --> 00:00:25,090
Well, you had the trimmers up, bro. You
should have done your ears, man.
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I met the love of my life online.
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Her name is Lindsay, and she's perfect.
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Well, she has one flaw.
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Her breasts are slightly larger than I'm
used to.
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But, oh, well, I guess I'll have to deal
with it.
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Daddy, how do you know you're in love?
How many times have you gone out with
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her? That night was her first date, and
it was magical.
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She said I'm the most handsome man she'd
ever seen.
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Oh, that's so nice.
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So when you kissed her goodnight, did
her seeing eye dog growl?
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She's not blind, she's crazy about me,
and we are going out again tonight.
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You, however, will die alone with your
underwear full of capwebs.
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You know, Benny, the Internet might be
the perfect way for you to meet a man.
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I got my own ways of meeting men.
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I drink until they look like Tom
Selleck.
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But you haven't had a real relationship
in over a year. Maybe it's time to throw
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your net out there and see what you can
catch.
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Angie, please. My mom's already caught
enough things from dating.
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George, your mom's perfect man might not
be in L .A. He could be in a trailer in
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North Carolina.
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Or a trailer in Wyoming.
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Or a trailer in Alabama.
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I got it. Operation Take Out the Trash.
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Look at that. There are thousands of men
on this website in your age range.
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Mom, come on. Let's find your dream man.
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I'm not going to do this. I don't need
help meeting a man.
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You need help meeting a good man.
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Somebody that doesn't turn to you at
last call and say, Hey, buddy, why don't
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go out and get a couple chicks?
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what? It would be nice to meet a good
man.
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A guy who wouldn't interrupt the date
every five minutes to go call his wife.
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Okay, look. Here's a profile builder
with a bunch of questions.
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Alright. Preferred age range?
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Um, legal and up. Okay.
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What's your idea of a fun date?
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Cockfights are fun.
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I'm going to put down bird watching.
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00:03:00,120 --> 00:03:01,170
Hobbies?
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00:03:01,420 --> 00:03:02,920
Drinking, smoking, gambling.
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00:03:04,920 --> 00:03:05,970
Ideal companion?
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00:03:06,620 --> 00:03:08,080
Drinker, smoker, gambler.
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Let's see if we have any matches.
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Hey, look at that. Three guys came up.
Let's see their pictures. All right.
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There's one. The next one.
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All right.
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Okay, you know what, Mom?
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Here's $30.
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Tom Selleck's on me tonight.
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00:03:39,750 --> 00:03:42,030
Hey, Dad, when did I have my first beer?
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When you were 21.
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But most of my friends have already
gotten drunk.
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I want to see what it feels like.
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Let me tell you a tragic story about
what happened to someone who started
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drinking at your age. Grandma, the end.
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00:04:01,470 --> 00:04:02,910
Eddie? Eddie Carter, right?
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Yeah. Do I know you?
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George Lopez.
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00:04:07,470 --> 00:04:10,600
Remember you used to go out with my mom,
Benny, when I was a kid?
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Oh, yeah.
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Little George.
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Man, I remember when you were a kid and
you had a skinny body and a giant head.
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And now you're older.
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Hey, this is my son, Mac.
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This guy is great. When he was going out
with your grandma, he used to take me
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to Dodger games, buy me hot dog
souvenirs. He bought me my first beer
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14.
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Innings into a great game on my 21st
birthday.
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So, uh, how's your mom?
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I bet she left the factory, settled
down, and married a good man.
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00:04:49,880 --> 00:04:53,640
You know, sort of. I mean, she's still
at the factory. Her house burned down,
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00:04:53,800 --> 00:04:57,290
and she got left at the altar, so it's
not the worst year she's ever had.
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00:04:57,291 --> 00:04:59,639
What about you, Eddie? You ever get
married?
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00:04:59,640 --> 00:05:02,220
Yeah, a couple of times, but it didn't
work out.
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00:05:02,800 --> 00:05:05,030
I'll never find another woman like your
mom.
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00:05:06,420 --> 00:05:07,470
We've been looking.
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00:05:08,580 --> 00:05:12,520
Hey, I know you guys had some rough
times, but Benny was all right.
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00:05:13,060 --> 00:05:15,000
When you see her, tell her I miss her.
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00:05:15,001 --> 00:05:20,779
Hey, you know what, Eddie? Why don't you
tell her yourself?
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I'm having a barbecue at my house
tonight. She'll be there.
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Why don't you come on over?
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Oh, thanks, George.
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It'd be nice to see Benny again.
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She was one classy lady.
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Just to be sure, this is my mom, right?
This is the Benny you're talking about?
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Yeah, that's her.
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00:05:38,820 --> 00:05:40,740
Man, she got better looking with age.
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How many fingers am I holding up?
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Three. Are you on medication?
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No. All right, I'll see you tonight.
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Okay.
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00:06:01,070 --> 00:06:04,150
Oh, and a bottle of wine and some
flowers.
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I got a date tonight.
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All my friends know the lowrider.
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00:06:29,331 --> 00:06:34,859
I just got my letters from Northwestern,
Iowa, and Columbia.
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00:06:34,860 --> 00:06:37,990
Oh, it's going to be a tough choice.
They're all great colleges.
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Oh, Northwestern, my first choice. The
only school I really want to go to.
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00:06:49,931 --> 00:06:51,939
You know what?
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You don't want to go to school in
Chicago anyway. It's a windy city. A
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college for hair.
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00:07:03,280 --> 00:07:04,620
I can't do this. You do, Iowa.
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00:07:10,680 --> 00:07:11,730
You know what?
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I have a great feeling about Columbia.
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Sorry, honey.
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Who wants to go to New York anyway?
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shopping and theater and nightlife.
Stupid city never sleeps, and I need my
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eight hours.
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Carmen, don't be too upset. There's
still a letter coming from northern
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State. Go, maple tappers.
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Angie, I got the ginger ale for your
stomach.
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00:07:50,420 --> 00:07:51,470
Thanks.
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00:07:51,800 --> 00:07:55,760
George, Carmen just got rejected from
northwestern Iowa and Columbia.
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Hey, the hell with them.
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Carmen still got Vermont.
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00:07:58,650 --> 00:08:01,829
And if that don't work out, she can go
to Valley Community College like her old
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00:08:01,830 --> 00:08:02,910
man. She'll be a legacy.
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00:08:05,630 --> 00:08:07,410
He dropped out after two weeks.
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00:08:08,930 --> 00:08:11,220
That's two more weeks of college than
you had.
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00:08:13,630 --> 00:08:15,350
Jealousy is so ugly. So high school.
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bringing you a beer.
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Because I love you, Grandma.
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00:08:34,929 --> 00:08:37,530
And I'm going to drink this beer because
I love it.
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Whoa, whoa, whoa.
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Don't get that yet. What are you doing?
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I got a surprise for you. I ran into one
of your ex -boyfriends at the
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convenience store. Mom, you remember
Eddie?
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00:08:51,190 --> 00:08:52,240
Eddie Garcia?
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00:08:52,770 --> 00:08:53,820
Eddie Johnson?
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00:08:54,570 --> 00:08:55,620
Eddie Camacho?
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No, you guys had something special.
140
00:08:59,310 --> 00:09:00,390
Uh -huh.
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00:09:02,390 --> 00:09:03,930
Big Eddie Bergman.
142
00:09:06,330 --> 00:09:08,430
Fast Eddie. Freaky Eddie.
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00:09:08,650 --> 00:09:09,700
Mom!
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00:09:11,210 --> 00:09:13,490
Slow, steady, sweaty Eddie.
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00:09:15,310 --> 00:09:16,750
What are the John Collins?
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00:09:18,450 --> 00:09:20,810
Your classy lady's waiting for you.
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00:09:22,530 --> 00:09:23,590
Eddie Carter.
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00:09:24,150 --> 00:09:25,350
Hello, Bonita.
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00:09:26,730 --> 00:09:30,889
You look just as lovely as the day you
chased me out of your house with a hot
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00:09:30,890 --> 00:09:31,940
iron.
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00:09:33,270 --> 00:09:35,570
I still got the triangle on my ass.
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00:09:38,290 --> 00:09:41,600
Considering where I was aiming, you were
lucky you turned around.
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00:09:42,990 --> 00:09:44,530
Eddie, this is my wife, Angie.
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00:09:44,750 --> 00:09:45,800
Nice to meet you.
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00:09:46,210 --> 00:09:49,170
I wonder if you could come outside for a
moment and talk.
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00:09:54,540 --> 00:09:56,500
The only good guy my mom ever dated.
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00:09:56,501 --> 00:10:00,259
Why'd she break up with him? Who knows?
You know, some things just happen. I
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00:10:00,260 --> 00:10:01,700
mean, why does the wind blow?
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00:10:05,011 --> 00:10:12,359
Because air naturally moves from a high
-pressure system to a low -pressure
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00:10:12,360 --> 00:10:13,410
system. Wrong.
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00:10:14,860 --> 00:10:15,910
Nice try.
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00:10:16,340 --> 00:10:19,290
Then where does it come from? Nobody
knows. That's my point.
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00:10:19,701 --> 00:10:22,959
Check it out. They're hitting it off.
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00:10:22,960 --> 00:10:24,010
How do you know?
165
00:10:24,420 --> 00:10:30,160
Remember when we went to the zoo and the
rhinos were about to... It's like that.
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00:10:30,260 --> 00:10:32,970
They're trying to figure out who's the
dominant male.
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00:10:32,971 --> 00:10:38,239
We're going to go for a little drive.
Why don't you start dinner without us?
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00:10:38,240 --> 00:10:39,740
Okay, you kids have a good time.
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00:10:40,040 --> 00:10:43,350
And just so you know, Eddie, her curfew
is the first week of August.
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00:10:44,420 --> 00:10:47,730
If you're going to keep her, I'll pass
then. Really, bro, thank you.
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00:10:51,560 --> 00:10:52,610
George.
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00:10:53,300 --> 00:10:55,700
Dude. Don't keep things from me, all
right?
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I'm your friend. You need to tell me the
truth.
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00:10:59,120 --> 00:11:02,320
Okay, fine. I submitted your name to
Extreme Makeover.
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00:11:05,260 --> 00:11:08,700
They might be able to do something about
those ears. Might.
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00:11:10,560 --> 00:11:12,800
I'm talking about Mel and Jack.
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00:11:13,060 --> 00:11:15,170
I heard they were going to close a
factory.
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00:11:15,600 --> 00:11:16,800
What? Who told you that?
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00:11:17,120 --> 00:11:20,300
Well, Michelle from accounting was
asking me out on a date.
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00:11:20,301 --> 00:11:23,659
And Mel and Jack walked by, and I heard
them talking that they were going to
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sell the factory.
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00:11:24,711 --> 00:11:28,619
That doesn't make any sense. Michelle is
hot, man. Why would she ask you out on
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00:11:28,620 --> 00:11:29,670
a date?
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00:11:30,580 --> 00:11:31,740
Not hot Michelle.
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00:11:31,980 --> 00:11:33,030
Nasty Michelle.
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00:11:33,901 --> 00:11:37,239
What's going on with the factory?
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00:11:37,240 --> 00:11:38,580
Let me call Mel and Jack.
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00:11:38,581 --> 00:11:43,159
Ernie, did you get that stuff for the
barbecue we forgot?
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00:11:43,160 --> 00:11:46,799
Oh, no. The convenience store is closed,
man. It's all taped off. It just got
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00:11:46,800 --> 00:11:47,940
robbed. When?
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00:11:48,180 --> 00:11:51,050
Well, like an hour ago. The dude held it
up at gunpoint.
192
00:11:51,051 --> 00:11:53,669
Get out of here. Max and I were just
there.
193
00:11:53,670 --> 00:11:56,889
Well, maybe you saw the guy. The cop
said the guy was wearing jeans and a
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00:11:56,890 --> 00:11:57,940
leather jacket.
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00:11:59,270 --> 00:12:02,290
George, you don't think that Eddie...
No, no, no, no, no way.
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00:12:02,291 --> 00:12:06,229
And you know what the weird thing is?
They say that the crook didn't just
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00:12:06,230 --> 00:12:08,940
the cash. He took a bottle of wine and
some flowers, too.
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00:12:13,590 --> 00:12:16,600
It's circumstantial. Eddie's the
greatest guy in the world.
199
00:12:16,920 --> 00:12:20,819
And the witness says he saw the crook
talking to a Mexican dude with his
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00:12:20,820 --> 00:12:22,320
girl just before he robbed him.
201
00:12:28,180 --> 00:12:30,300
Damn it! Max needs a haircut, I told
you.
202
00:12:30,301 --> 00:12:34,099
Hey, where you going? Gotta go find my
mom. I just sent her out with an armed
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00:12:34,100 --> 00:12:38,600
robber. George, he could kidnap her or
kill her. Don't try to talk me out of
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00:12:38,640 --> 00:12:39,720
I still gotta find her.
205
00:12:41,580 --> 00:12:42,630
Hey.
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00:12:44,780 --> 00:12:45,980
Let me ask you something.
207
00:12:46,980 --> 00:12:50,060
How would you feel if I decided to get
married again?
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00:12:50,820 --> 00:12:52,220
Are you out of your mind?
209
00:12:52,800 --> 00:12:57,500
You just met this woman online a few
days ago. What do you even know about
210
00:12:57,920 --> 00:13:01,780
Well, I know she's a stunning 27 -year
-old who loves me.
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00:13:08,420 --> 00:13:09,470
27?
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00:13:09,840 --> 00:13:11,160
That's younger than me.
213
00:13:11,480 --> 00:13:12,530
I know.
214
00:13:16,650 --> 00:13:19,070
Angie, if you met her, you would like
her.
215
00:13:19,370 --> 00:13:21,030
She has exquisite taste.
216
00:13:21,370 --> 00:13:24,030
You should see the diamond bracelet she
picked out.
217
00:13:24,031 --> 00:13:29,649
Judy, have you been buying her expensive
jewelry? She only accepted the bracelet
218
00:13:29,650 --> 00:13:31,390
because she knew it made me happy.
219
00:13:31,830 --> 00:13:33,330
Same with the watch and the car.
220
00:13:34,850 --> 00:13:37,710
Oh, it's a two -year lease. Come on,
save me the dramatics.
221
00:13:38,350 --> 00:13:39,510
No, it's not that.
222
00:13:39,511 --> 00:13:41,449
It's just I've had a stomachache all
day.
223
00:13:41,450 --> 00:13:42,500
Really?
224
00:13:42,501 --> 00:13:46,429
You don't have any fever. How long have
you been sick?
225
00:13:46,430 --> 00:13:49,320
Well, the past few mornings, it's just a
little nauseous.
226
00:13:50,070 --> 00:13:51,810
Probably just a stomach bug.
227
00:13:52,290 --> 00:13:54,490
Or maybe you're pregnant.
228
00:13:56,170 --> 00:13:57,220
Yeah, right.
229
00:14:01,690 --> 00:14:06,349
I went to Thirsty's. I checked her
apartment. I looked in her drawers. I
230
00:14:06,350 --> 00:14:07,400
find my mom anywhere.
231
00:14:08,550 --> 00:14:12,829
I hope she's okay. How could you have no
clue this guy was an armed robber? I
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00:14:12,830 --> 00:14:14,820
saw the guy in the store for two
minutes.
233
00:14:14,821 --> 00:14:18,319
Well, what about... when you were a kid.
Were there any signs he was a criminal?
234
00:14:18,320 --> 00:14:21,180
I mean, he dove in the bushes when the
cops drove by.
235
00:14:21,181 --> 00:14:25,739
He buried cash in the backyard and beat
some dude with a bat who owed him money
236
00:14:25,740 --> 00:14:27,600
and he was a regular neighborhood guy.
237
00:14:31,620 --> 00:14:32,900
Mom, are you okay?
238
00:14:32,901 --> 00:14:36,339
What are you talking about? He's a
criminal. He robbed a convenience store.
239
00:14:36,340 --> 00:14:39,619
Oh, I know. Why the hell do you think I
got rid of him? You should have told me.
240
00:14:39,620 --> 00:14:42,210
Mom, I thought he kidnapped you. I
called the police.
241
00:14:42,280 --> 00:14:43,360
You did what?
242
00:14:46,991 --> 00:14:48,719
Oh, please.
243
00:14:48,720 --> 00:14:51,010
He shot fewer people than the vice
president.
244
00:14:53,520 --> 00:14:54,840
When did you call the cops?
245
00:14:55,100 --> 00:14:56,460
About 20 minutes ago. Why?
246
00:14:56,840 --> 00:15:01,019
I got to get out of here. Eddie is going
to think that I turned him in, and when
247
00:15:01,020 --> 00:15:03,130
the cops bust him, he's going to give me
up.
248
00:15:03,240 --> 00:15:07,260
What do you mean, give you up? Mom, you
haven't done anything wrong.
249
00:15:08,440 --> 00:15:10,540
Well... No, Mom, what did you do?
250
00:15:11,200 --> 00:15:15,480
Rob a place, shoot someone? I know. You
flash someone, and they kill themselves.
251
00:15:19,790 --> 00:15:21,210
I drove a getaway car once.
252
00:15:21,550 --> 00:15:25,729
I didn't know that he was robbing the
place. He jumped in the car. He told me
253
00:15:25,730 --> 00:15:29,630
peel out. I did. Then I threw the gun
out the window and I painted my car
254
00:15:29,631 --> 00:15:34,289
You didn't paint the car white. I
painted it white. You told me you were
255
00:15:34,290 --> 00:15:35,340
teaching me karate.
256
00:15:37,370 --> 00:15:39,710
Don't you understand what you have done?
257
00:15:40,930 --> 00:15:44,060
Mom, that was a long time ago. There's a
statute of limitations.
258
00:15:44,190 --> 00:15:45,710
George, it was in Arizona.
259
00:15:45,930 --> 00:15:48,710
I crossed state lines. They can bust me
any time.
260
00:15:52,620 --> 00:15:55,030
They don't allow cigarettes in prison
anymore.
261
00:15:56,600 --> 00:15:58,920
I will die.
262
00:16:02,600 --> 00:16:05,080
Mom, pick up. They're after Eddie, not
you.
263
00:16:05,081 --> 00:16:08,599
And even if you did get arrested, they
would send you to a woman's prison.
264
00:16:08,600 --> 00:16:11,439
All you'd have to worry about is that
butchy woman who rolls the shower, and
265
00:16:11,440 --> 00:16:12,490
that could be you.
266
00:16:24,200 --> 00:16:25,250
Northern Vermont.
267
00:16:25,640 --> 00:16:27,100
But I'm afraid to open it.
268
00:16:27,420 --> 00:16:28,900
This is my last shot, Mom.
269
00:16:29,100 --> 00:16:31,060
Not just for an education, for freedom.
270
00:16:34,020 --> 00:16:37,800
I can't party and pierce things in this
house. I need to go away.
271
00:16:40,260 --> 00:16:46,199
Carmen, if for some crazy reason they
are stupid enough not to take you, then
272
00:16:46,200 --> 00:16:49,239
your dad can pull some strings for you
at Valley Community College.
273
00:16:49,240 --> 00:16:50,290
You're a legacy.
274
00:16:51,060 --> 00:16:54,120
Mom! This place is a joke, and I didn't
even apply.
275
00:16:54,480 --> 00:16:56,820
It's not a joke, and you can always
apply.
276
00:16:57,160 --> 00:17:01,019
I just got a coupon in the mail. It'll
save you $10 on tuition, and we can get
277
00:17:01,020 --> 00:17:02,070
our carpets cleaned.
278
00:17:03,580 --> 00:17:04,630
Come on, Vermont.
279
00:17:08,400 --> 00:17:10,060
I want to do this alone.
280
00:17:12,960 --> 00:17:14,010
Good luck, honey.
281
00:17:19,260 --> 00:17:20,700
I can't get a hold of my mom.
282
00:17:20,701 --> 00:17:25,129
I need to talk to you. Wait, I gotta
call Jack and Mel to find out what's
283
00:17:25,130 --> 00:17:26,088
on with the factory.
284
00:17:26,089 --> 00:17:27,310
It's pretty important.
285
00:17:27,710 --> 00:17:31,620
Yeah, more important than me losing my
job? Yeah, this may be bigger than that.
286
00:17:34,190 --> 00:17:38,370
Remember last month when we were
watching Mr.
287
00:17:38,610 --> 00:17:42,170
and Mrs. Smith and you chased me
upstairs calling me Angelina?
288
00:17:47,330 --> 00:17:48,380
Well,
289
00:17:48,950 --> 00:17:50,000
Brad?
290
00:17:54,830 --> 00:17:57,630
I might be giving you what Jennifer
wouldn't.
291
00:18:01,110 --> 00:18:02,570
A Cambodian kid?
292
00:18:05,970 --> 00:18:07,020
No.
293
00:18:08,970 --> 00:18:10,570
I might be pregnant.
294
00:18:11,330 --> 00:18:14,470
What? Oh, no, hell no. Hey, hell no.
295
00:18:14,471 --> 00:18:19,809
You better hope that Brad and Angelina
want a little Mexican kid for their
296
00:18:19,810 --> 00:18:22,280
collection because I'm not raising
another one.
297
00:18:24,040 --> 00:18:25,880
tell you in about five minutes.
298
00:18:26,720 --> 00:18:29,850
What about the extra room? That was
going to be my home theater.
299
00:18:31,220 --> 00:18:32,360
Your home theater?
300
00:18:32,980 --> 00:18:34,880
How could you be so selfish?
301
00:18:35,240 --> 00:18:37,780
What about what's going to happen to my
body?
302
00:18:39,820 --> 00:18:42,320
Oh, man, the hormones are already
kicking in.
303
00:18:42,351 --> 00:18:49,399
Mom, where you been? I've been calling
you. George, the police are at my place.
304
00:18:49,400 --> 00:18:50,450
I can't get inside.
305
00:18:50,500 --> 00:18:54,539
I need cash quick. I gotta get out of
town. Mom. Running away makes you look
306
00:18:54,540 --> 00:18:57,480
guilty. I already told you, I am guilty.
307
00:18:57,940 --> 00:19:01,500
Now give me 300 bucks and I'll call you
after I buy a house in Guatemala.
308
00:19:03,580 --> 00:19:04,960
I'm not giving you any money.
309
00:19:05,240 --> 00:19:06,920
George, I need your help. I'm not...
310
00:19:32,680 --> 00:19:35,690
because it's going to look like I'm
trying to get rid of a gun.
311
00:19:38,840 --> 00:19:42,280
Hey, hey, I'll be right there, man. I've
got to put some clothes on.
312
00:19:42,281 --> 00:19:48,119
Okay, what else don't I know about? What
did you do, steal a car, knock off a
313
00:19:48,120 --> 00:19:51,130
bank? Maybe you've got a balloon full of
heroin in your butt.
314
00:19:51,780 --> 00:19:54,400
Buy me some time, George. Lie. Make up
something.
315
00:19:54,401 --> 00:19:56,239
Mom, I'm not lying to the police.
316
00:19:56,240 --> 00:19:59,800
George, please, you've got to cover for
me. George, please.
317
00:20:00,420 --> 00:20:02,000
I'm your mother. I raised you.
318
00:20:03,590 --> 00:20:05,880
You know, you're not helping yourself
there.
319
00:20:12,150 --> 00:20:15,590
George, call me. I just went through Mel
and Jack's desk.
320
00:20:15,810 --> 00:20:17,810
They're moving the company to Mexico.
321
00:20:18,390 --> 00:20:21,750
I can't lose my job. What am I going to
do? What are you going to do?
322
00:20:49,550 --> 00:20:53,510
Well, Lindsay, there is something I have
to ask you.
323
00:21:11,770 --> 00:21:14,790
Are you George Lopez?
324
00:21:15,530 --> 00:21:16,580
Yes.
325
00:21:16,830 --> 00:21:19,600
We're looking for your mother. Do you
know where she is?
326
00:21:20,669 --> 00:21:22,710
Why, did somebody order a stripper grub?
327
00:21:24,350 --> 00:21:28,989
I get it. You hold a boombox while
Officer Grindit here gets down to a G
328
00:21:28,990 --> 00:21:30,040
-street.
329
00:21:31,530 --> 00:21:35,650
We have Eddie Carter in custody and we
want to talk to your mother. Is she
330
00:21:35,651 --> 00:21:42,419
Mr. Lopez, if you know where she is and
you don't tell us, you're an accomplice.
331
00:21:42,420 --> 00:21:46,970
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