Original subtitles

Hello, everyone.

Hey, Daddy.

Sun?

Ah, it's a beautiful day, huh?

The sun is brighter and the roses smell fresher.

And does anyone know why?

You clipped your eyebrows and mustache so you can actually see and smell things

now?

Oh, Michael, you what? But I can't hear you today.

Well, you had the trimmers up, bro. You should have done your ears, man.

I met the love of my life online.

Her name is Lindsay, and she's perfect.

Well, she has one flaw.

Her breasts are slightly larger than I'm used to.

But, oh, well, I guess I'll have to deal with it.

Daddy, how do you know you're in love? How many times have you gone out with

her? That night was her first date, and it was magical.

She said I'm the most handsome man she'd ever seen.

Oh, that's so nice.

So when you kissed her goodnight, did her seeing eye dog growl?

She's not blind, she's crazy about me, and we are going out again tonight.

You, however, will die alone with your underwear full of capwebs.

You know, Benny, the Internet might be the perfect way for you to meet a man.

I got my own ways of meeting men.

I drink until they look like Tom Selleck.

But you haven't had a real relationship in over a year. Maybe it's time to throw

your net out there and see what you can catch.

Angie, please. My mom's already caught enough things from dating.

George, your mom's perfect man might not be in L .A. He could be in a trailer in

North Carolina.

Or a trailer in Wyoming.

Or a trailer in Alabama.

I got it. Operation Take Out the Trash.

Look at that. There are thousands of men on this website in your age range.

Mom, come on. Let's find your dream man.

I'm not going to do this. I don't need help meeting a man.

You need help meeting a good man.

Somebody that doesn't turn to you at last call and say, Hey, buddy, why don't

go out and get a couple chicks?

what? It would be nice to meet a good man.

A guy who wouldn't interrupt the date every five minutes to go call his wife.

Okay, look. Here's a profile builder with a bunch of questions.

Alright. Preferred age range?

Um, legal and up. Okay.

What's your idea of a fun date?

Cockfights are fun.

I'm going to put down bird watching.

Hobbies?

Drinking, smoking, gambling.

Ideal companion?

Drinker, smoker, gambler.

Let's see if we have any matches.

Hey, look at that. Three guys came up. Let's see their pictures. All right.

There's one. The next one.

All right.

Okay, you know what, Mom?

Here's $30.

Tom Selleck's on me tonight.

Hey, Dad, when did I have my first beer?

When you were 21.

But most of my friends have already gotten drunk.

I want to see what it feels like.

Let me tell you a tragic story about what happened to someone who started

drinking at your age. Grandma, the end.

Eddie? Eddie Carter, right?

Yeah. Do I know you?

George Lopez.

Remember you used to go out with my mom, Benny, when I was a kid?

Oh, yeah.

Little George.

Man, I remember when you were a kid and you had a skinny body and a giant head.

And now you're older.

Hey, this is my son, Mac.

This guy is great. When he was going out with your grandma, he used to take me

to Dodger games, buy me hot dog souvenirs. He bought me my first beer

14.

Innings into a great game on my 21st birthday.

So, uh, how's your mom?

I bet she left the factory, settled down, and married a good man.

You know, sort of. I mean, she's still at the factory. Her house burned down,

and she got left at the altar, so it's not the worst year she's ever had.

What about you, Eddie? You ever get married?

Yeah, a couple of times, but it didn't work out.

I'll never find another woman like your mom.

We've been looking.

Hey, I know you guys had some rough times, but Benny was all right.

When you see her, tell her I miss her.

Hey, you know what, Eddie? Why don't you tell her yourself?

I'm having a barbecue at my house tonight. She'll be there.

Why don't you come on over?

Oh, thanks, George.

It'd be nice to see Benny again.

She was one classy lady.

Just to be sure, this is my mom, right? This is the Benny you're talking about?

Yeah, that's her.

Man, she got better looking with age.

How many fingers am I holding up?

Three. Are you on medication?

No. All right, I'll see you tonight.

Okay.

Oh, and a bottle of wine and some flowers.

I got a date tonight.

All my friends know the lowrider.

I just got my letters from Northwestern, Iowa, and Columbia.

Oh, it's going to be a tough choice. They're all great colleges.

Oh, Northwestern, my first choice. The only school I really want to go to.

You know what?

You don't want to go to school in Chicago anyway. It's a windy city. A

college for hair.

I can't do this. You do, Iowa.

You know what?

I have a great feeling about Columbia.

Sorry, honey.

Who wants to go to New York anyway?

shopping and theater and nightlife. Stupid city never sleeps, and I need my

eight hours.

Carmen, don't be too upset. There's still a letter coming from northern

State. Go, maple tappers.

Angie, I got the ginger ale for your stomach.

Thanks.

George, Carmen just got rejected from northwestern Iowa and Columbia.

Hey, the hell with them.

Carmen still got Vermont.

And if that don't work out, she can go to Valley Community College like her old

man. She'll be a legacy.

He dropped out after two weeks.

That's two more weeks of college than you had.

Jealousy is so ugly. So high school.

bringing you a beer.

Because I love you, Grandma.

And I'm going to drink this beer because I love it.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Don't get that yet. What are you doing?

I got a surprise for you. I ran into one of your ex -boyfriends at the

convenience store. Mom, you remember Eddie?

Eddie Garcia?

Eddie Johnson?

Eddie Camacho?

No, you guys had something special.

Uh -huh.

Big Eddie Bergman.

Fast Eddie. Freaky Eddie.

Mom!

Slow, steady, sweaty Eddie.

What are the John Collins?

Your classy lady's waiting for you.

Eddie Carter.

Hello, Bonita.

You look just as lovely as the day you chased me out of your house with a hot

iron.

I still got the triangle on my ass.

Considering where I was aiming, you were lucky you turned around.

Eddie, this is my wife, Angie.

Nice to meet you.

I wonder if you could come outside for a moment and talk.

The only good guy my mom ever dated.

Why'd she break up with him? Who knows? You know, some things just happen. I

mean, why does the wind blow?

Because air naturally moves from a high -pressure system to a low -pressure

system. Wrong.

Nice try.

Then where does it come from? Nobody knows. That's my point.

Check it out. They're hitting it off.

How do you know?

Remember when we went to the zoo and the rhinos were about to... It's like that.

They're trying to figure out who's the dominant male.

We're going to go for a little drive. Why don't you start dinner without us?

Okay, you kids have a good time.

And just so you know, Eddie, her curfew is the first week of August.

If you're going to keep her, I'll pass then. Really, bro, thank you.

George.

Dude. Don't keep things from me, all right?

I'm your friend. You need to tell me the truth.

Okay, fine. I submitted your name to Extreme Makeover.

They might be able to do something about those ears. Might.

I'm talking about Mel and Jack.

I heard they were going to close a factory.

What? Who told you that?

Well, Michelle from accounting was asking me out on a date.

And Mel and Jack walked by, and I heard them talking that they were going to

sell the factory.

That doesn't make any sense. Michelle is hot, man. Why would she ask you out on

a date?

Not hot Michelle.

Nasty Michelle.

What's going on with the factory?

Let me call Mel and Jack.

Ernie, did you get that stuff for the barbecue we forgot?

Oh, no. The convenience store is closed, man. It's all taped off. It just got

robbed. When?

Well, like an hour ago. The dude held it up at gunpoint.

Get out of here. Max and I were just there.

Well, maybe you saw the guy. The cop said the guy was wearing jeans and a

leather jacket.

George, you don't think that Eddie... No, no, no, no, no way.

And you know what the weird thing is? They say that the crook didn't just

the cash. He took a bottle of wine and some flowers, too.

It's circumstantial. Eddie's the greatest guy in the world.

And the witness says he saw the crook talking to a Mexican dude with his

girl just before he robbed him.

Damn it! Max needs a haircut, I told you.

Hey, where you going? Gotta go find my mom. I just sent her out with an armed

robber. George, he could kidnap her or kill her. Don't try to talk me out of

I still gotta find her.

Hey.

Let me ask you something.

How would you feel if I decided to get married again?

Are you out of your mind?

You just met this woman online a few days ago. What do you even know about

Well, I know she's a stunning 27 -year -old who loves me.

27?

That's younger than me.

I know.

Angie, if you met her, you would like her.

She has exquisite taste.

You should see the diamond bracelet she picked out.

Judy, have you been buying her expensive jewelry? She only accepted the bracelet

because she knew it made me happy.

Same with the watch and the car.

Oh, it's a two -year lease. Come on, save me the dramatics.

No, it's not that.

It's just I've had a stomachache all day.

Really?

You don't have any fever. How long have you been sick?

Well, the past few mornings, it's just a little nauseous.

Probably just a stomach bug.

Or maybe you're pregnant.

Yeah, right.

I went to Thirsty's. I checked her apartment. I looked in her drawers. I

find my mom anywhere.

I hope she's okay. How could you have no clue this guy was an armed robber? I

saw the guy in the store for two minutes.

Well, what about... when you were a kid. Were there any signs he was a criminal?

I mean, he dove in the bushes when the cops drove by.

He buried cash in the backyard and beat some dude with a bat who owed him money

and he was a regular neighborhood guy.

Mom, are you okay?

What are you talking about? He's a criminal. He robbed a convenience store.

Oh, I know. Why the hell do you think I got rid of him? You should have told me.

Mom, I thought he kidnapped you. I called the police.

You did what?

Oh, please.

He shot fewer people than the vice president.

When did you call the cops?

About 20 minutes ago. Why?

I got to get out of here. Eddie is going to think that I turned him in, and when

the cops bust him, he's going to give me up.

What do you mean, give you up? Mom, you haven't done anything wrong.

Well... No, Mom, what did you do?

Rob a place, shoot someone? I know. You flash someone, and they kill themselves.

I drove a getaway car once.

I didn't know that he was robbing the place. He jumped in the car. He told me

peel out. I did. Then I threw the gun out the window and I painted my car

You didn't paint the car white. I painted it white. You told me you were

teaching me karate.

Don't you understand what you have done?

Mom, that was a long time ago. There's a statute of limitations.

George, it was in Arizona.

I crossed state lines. They can bust me any time.

They don't allow cigarettes in prison anymore.

I will die.

Mom, pick up. They're after Eddie, not you.

And even if you did get arrested, they would send you to a woman's prison.

All you'd have to worry about is that butchy woman who rolls the shower, and

that could be you.

Northern Vermont.

But I'm afraid to open it.

This is my last shot, Mom.

Not just for an education, for freedom.

I can't party and pierce things in this house. I need to go away.

Carmen, if for some crazy reason they are stupid enough not to take you, then

your dad can pull some strings for you at Valley Community College.

You're a legacy.

Mom! This place is a joke, and I didn't even apply.

It's not a joke, and you can always apply.

I just got a coupon in the mail. It'll save you $10 on tuition, and we can get

our carpets cleaned.

Come on, Vermont.

I want to do this alone.

Good luck, honey.

I can't get a hold of my mom.

I need to talk to you. Wait, I gotta call Jack and Mel to find out what's

on with the factory.

It's pretty important.

Yeah, more important than me losing my job? Yeah, this may be bigger than that.

Remember last month when we were watching Mr.

and Mrs. Smith and you chased me upstairs calling me Angelina?

Well,

Brad?

I might be giving you what Jennifer wouldn't.

A Cambodian kid?

No.

I might be pregnant.

What? Oh, no, hell no. Hey, hell no.

You better hope that Brad and Angelina want a little Mexican kid for their

collection because I'm not raising another one.

tell you in about five minutes.

What about the extra room? That was going to be my home theater.

Your home theater?

How could you be so selfish?

What about what's going to happen to my body?

Oh, man, the hormones are already kicking in.

Mom, where you been? I've been calling you. George, the police are at my place.

I can't get inside.

I need cash quick. I gotta get out of town. Mom. Running away makes you look

guilty. I already told you, I am guilty.

Now give me 300 bucks and I'll call you after I buy a house in Guatemala.

I'm not giving you any money.

George, I need your help. I'm not...

because it's going to look like I'm trying to get rid of a gun.

Hey, hey, I'll be right there, man. I've got to put some clothes on.

Okay, what else don't I know about? What did you do, steal a car, knock off a

bank? Maybe you've got a balloon full of heroin in your butt.

Buy me some time, George. Lie. Make up something.

Mom, I'm not lying to the police.

George, please, you've got to cover for me. George, please.

I'm your mother. I raised you.

You know, you're not helping yourself there.

George, call me. I just went through Mel and Jack's desk.

They're moving the company to Mexico.

I can't lose my job. What am I going to do? What are you going to do?

Well, Lindsay, there is something I have to ask you.

Are you George Lopez?

Yes.

We're looking for your mother. Do you know where she is?

Why, did somebody order a stripper grub?

I get it. You hold a boombox while Officer Grindit here gets down to a G

-street.

We have Eddie Carter in custody and we want to talk to your mother. Is she

Mr. Lopez, if you know where she is and you don't tell us, you're an accomplice.

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