Original subtitles

Okay, we'll be there. You better break the news for the kids. Brian, Lauren,

could you come down here, please?

Let's just try and be sensitive.

What's going on?

Is everything okay?

Well, there's no easy way to say this, so when bad news happens, you just come

on out and say it.

Kids, your mother and I are chaperoning your school dance.

It gets worse.

It's an 80s dance.

Oh, no.

their music.

That's right, which means there's a good chance we'll be busting some moves.

There might be some popping, almost certainly some locking, but definitely a

of this.

They'll pull through.

With only just one look Now when the lights go down And when it comes to

you and me, girl Ooh, you turn me inside out I'm still in

love with you today Cause you make me happy

Can't believe they're trusting me and Bill to chaperone a dad.

Yeah, I guess there really is no such thing as a permanent record.

What's the 80s? Oh, bad clothes, bad hair.

Good times.

Bonnie, get off the phone. He's been on for two hours. Stop bugging me. I'm

talking to my lady.

Brian, let your sister use the phone.

But Bonnie's not done telling me about her day.

You were with her all day.

She's not in my honors classes.

I didn't mean anything by that, honey.

In five seconds, I tell her all about your doll collection.

They're collectible figurines.

Five, four, three... I'll call you back.

Judy, someone's at the door.

You're on the couch. What did we talk about?

I'll get it.

Hi, I'm looking for Brian Miller. Sure.

Wait, you on the football team?

Yeah. Ah, great. Now they're beating up Brian door to door.

Hey, Chad, you ready to do this? Oh, he's not even running away anymore.

Chad's my lab partner. Oh, cool. What position do you play?

Linebacker. So did I.

Wait, 42, that's your number? Yeah.

42 was my old number.

Same position, same number. That's awesome.

Yeah, there's a lot of stories that go along with that number.

Oh, man.

42, the old quad deuce.

The year was 1981. Dad, we have a chem lab to do.

I thought Jenna was your lab partner.

Well, uh, Bonnie wasn't too happy with me and Jenna hanging out so much, so I

just switched lab partners.

Come on, Chad.

Hey, it was great meeting you, Mr. Miller. Oh, pleasure was mine.

42 pride.

Did you hear that? Bonnie made him switch lab partners? Yeah, sure. The

wants Brian all to herself. Remember when you and I used to be all hot and

heavy? Yeah, which one were you, Bill?

The one feeling up your sister while you were sleeping on the top bunk.

That explains so many nightmares.

Is it just me, or is Bonnie getting a little bossy? No, you're bossy, too.

partner. She tells him what to do. She keeps him on the phone for hours. Leave

it alone, Judy. I don't think we should interfere in our kids' relationship.

I'm not interfering. I just think I should say something.

Well, don't. That girl is responsible for our son's denertification.

Six months ago, Brian was building a robot in the garage.

Now he's going to dances and hanging with football players.

It's not that I don't like Bonnie. It's just I think we should teach Brian to

stand up for himself.

A robot, Judy.

A robot he named Sir Nuts and Bolts.

Stay out of it.

I don't know.

Sir Nuts and Bolts.

He knighted him, Judy, with a lightsaber.

That's why the carbon atom combines with the oxygen atom.

Hey, guys.

How's it going?

Fine.

You need something?

Who, me? No, no, no. I don't need anything.

You know, while I'm here, I might as well check your work.

Ah, chemistry.

You're a tricky, tricky lady.

Is this your yearbook? What? Oh, yeah, I guess it is.

How did that get there?

Oh, this is embarrassing.

Try being me.

Is that you, Mr. Miller?

Oh, let's see. All -city linebacker.

Led the team in tackles.

Saddest thing I've ever seen.

Yep,

I guess it is me. Nice catch, quad deuce.

Hey, Brian, I picked out some of your dad's old clothes for you to wear to the

dance. Oh, good idea. Why don't you go play dress -up with your mom?

You can sit here and relive your glory days with Chad.

What's that? I can't hear you. It's 1981, the crowd's cheering, and you're

alive yet.

What do you think of this one?

It's great.

So, is this what they really wore in the 80s? Yeah, isn't it so totally

bitchin'? I could wear this.

I wouldn't mind being bitching.

Bitchin', honey.

Back then, we pitied the fool who didn't know the lingo.

Oh, jump back.

Someone's at the door.

Hey, Bonnie. Hey, Mrs. Miller.

Brian, you've got to see the shirt I picked out for you to wear to the dance.

Oh, actually, I found one I kind of like.

Oh, let's see it.

Just try this on.

I think you're going to thank me.

Why don't you try them both on?

Okay, I'll just see which one Bonnie likes best.

You mean you like Beth.

Uh, yeah, I'm a part of this.

So there's the quarterback right there in front of me. I blindside him. The

goes flying. I pick it up and just start running as fast as I can.

Did you score?

No, this was in the parking lot after the game.

They may have won by 30, but I got the game ball.

Is that you at the dance?

Yep. Who's this slutty girl with you? That'd be my wife.

I'm sorry.

Why? I'm not.

You got yourself a date for the dance on Friday?

Actually, I haven't asked anyone yet.

I'm not very good around girls.

I don't think they like me. You're a football player. They like you. You just

gotta go for it.

See that stone -cold fox I'm married to?

How do you think I got her? My looks or my brain?

Uh, you... Exactly.

There are certain tricks... that guys like you and me can apply. For example,

up to any girl in the school, tell her you're dedicating the game to her. Then

you won't just have a date for the dance. You're guaranteed to put some

on the board.

Awesome.

Get a pencil.

I got plenty more advice for you. Trust me. Take advantage of this now before

the 42 on your jersey becomes a 42 in your waistband.

Uh, it's not bad, but can I wear an undershirt? Because it kind of hurts my

nipples.

That's because you're wearing it backwards, silly.

You know, I'm perfect. Kate's cool.

Oh, okay, okay. We're going to do this together.

Wow. Is there a third side?

Don't you just love it, Brian?

Um... Now, before you answer, think of it with a pair of really, really, really

skinny satin pants.

Uh... I knew you'd love it.

I don't think he's answered that yet.

Oh.

But you like it, don't you, Brian?

Yeah, it's great.

But I don't really have a pair of satin pants.

You do now.

Come on, let's go out to the front lawn. I'll show you how to do a real tackle.

Why don't we do this in the backyard?

with a fire dagger.

Mind if I join?

Sure. Since you've never played before, why don't you just be a little goblin?

What just happened?

You killed me.

That was fast. Let's play again.

Listen, Brian, are you sure you want to wear the outfit Bonnie brought you to

the dance?

Yeah, I guess. Bonnie really likes it.

Well, it's just... It's that, you know, you're the one who's wearing it, and

since you're going with all your friends... Oh, uh, actually, we aren't.

thinks it would be more romantic if we just went to the dance alone. That's why

we're skipping the bonfire.

Skipping the bonfire?

It's a cool tradition that your father and I accidentally started.

Well, Bonnie doesn't really like large crowds or smoke or any of my friends.

Okay, look.

You know that I love Bonnie, and the last thing I want to do is interfere,

don't you think sometimes she could be a little bossy?

Mom, she's a female who will kiss me who's not my aunt.

You make sacrifices.

Yeah, but if you stand up to her once in a while, she'll like you even more.

You think so? Trust me.

You know, it might be nice to get my way once in a while. Of course it would.

Besides, girls get tired of guys who do everything they tell them to. Now get in

your pajamas. Time for bed.

Oh, Mom, the game's on.

Hey, Bill, what are you doing?

Oh, just looking for Chad.

Thought he'd be here by now. Coach usually lets us out around 4 .30.

Honey, Coach let you out about 20 years ago.

What you got there?

Oh, my old football jacket. I'm thinking of maybe handing it down to the boy.

Why don't you just give it to Brian?

See this 42?

That's the number of things Brian's allergic to.

On this jacket alone.

I don't know, I kind of bonded with Chad. In fact, I've been giving him a

pointers. What pointers?

Just a few tips from the old Miller playbook.

Huh, teaching someone else's child how to get some. How delightfully

inappropriate.

There's nothing I didn't do myself, like the classic dedicating a game tactic.

I think you might be familiar with that one.

Oh, hey, when you did that back in high school, I thought it was from the heart.

It was.

The heart of my pants.

I'm telling you, I'm going to turn this kid into the kind of guy I was in high

school in my imagination.

Hi. Hey.

Well, I took a shot with some of the advice you gave me about Bonnie.

Advice? I thought we weren't going to interfere.

Brian decided on his own that he wanted to stand up for himself more. What'd she

say?

He dumped me.

What? She dumped me. What?

Please don't make me say it again.

What was her reason?

I don't know. I could barely hear her through all the crying.

Oh, she cried.

No.

I'll be in my room.

Poor kid.

Looks like he's really hurting.

Barney, what was she thinking?

I know what she was thinking.

I liked Brian better before his mommy got involved.

I don't think I'm saying it, Judy. I think the facts are saying it. What are

talking about?

Fact one, I told you not to get involved.

Fact two, you got involved.

Fact three, our son is dumped, which leads us to fact four and 4A. I was

you were wrong.

Guess what?

I got invited to the homecoming dance. Oh, that's great, sweetie.

My first high school dance, and I'm going with a football player.

Who? Brian's lab partner, Chad Kemp.

What?

I am so excited.

He's even going to dedicate a game to me.

That would bring us to fact five, you fact up.

So let me get this straight. You broke up Brian with the love of his life, and

Bill taught some jock how to get lucky with your daughter. Why don't you guys

just go for the hat trick and kill Tina's gerbil?

He did.

Two weeks ago. But he died of a stroke.

I struck a bad luck when I sucked him up into the vacuum.

So where's Bill now?

He's having a heart -to -heart with Lauren upstairs.

You ruined my life!

Is he okay?

Yeah, that's just the hate talking.

What'd you tell her? I told her she couldn't go with Chad. He's just not the

right kind of boy.

Only because you made him the wrong kind of boy.

Well, looks like we both interfered, huh? You interfered on purpose. I just

some inappropriate stuff and fell backwards into a pile of crap.

From now on, we stay out of our kids' social life. I guess.

Judy. All right, all right. We stay out of Brian and Lauren's relationship.

Good. And Chad.

All right.

Oh, sweetie.

Honey, I heard what happened.

But trust me, the first breakup is always the hardest.

Well, you know, two is hard because it makes you remember the first one.

Lord knows three through five don't get any easier. But by ten, you're dead

inside. So buckle.

Thanks. I just came down to get another root beer. Another one? You've had five

already. Mom, it's all I have.

Brian, I'm so sorry.

It's okay, Mom.

This will give me more time to study.

Plus, I've really been neglecting my robot.

I've never seen him like this.

But maybe it's for the best. You know, Bonnie was becoming a little

so I told him to stand up for himself, and he did. Yeah, you sure you didn't

tell him that because for the first time he was listening to another woman

instead of you?

What? That's nothing to do with that. I was just looking out for what was best

for Brian.

Oh, come on, Judy. You were awfully upset when he chose Bonnie's shirt

of yours. It was an ugly shirt, okay?

And I didn't want some girl forcing my little bri -bri to wear a shirt that me

and him didn't like.

Okay, do you hear yourself?

Because it sounds to me like you're jealous of your son's girlfriend.

Oh, Paul, that is sick.

No, if you just look at the way you're behaving, Judy, I'm not denying it. It's

just sick.

Oh, my God.

I'm a son -loving, creepy mom.

Paul, Bonnie, get her over here. Make this thing right.

Judy, eight seconds ago, you told Bill you were going to stay out of this.

but when something goes wrong with my kids, I take responsibility for it.

Mommy, when's my dribble going to come back from vacation?

Another week, sweetie.

I'm not going to hold my breath.

Hey, Lauren, do you have a minute to talk?

Dad, giving me a Sunday is not going to make everything okay.

Huh?

Oh, yeah, I made you a Sunday. Here you go.

I don't want it.

Well, I tried.

I know you're angry about the dance, but trust me, Chad is not the right guy for

you. What makes you so sure? Because boys have a lot of crazy ideas about

and think they can take advantage of them. I blame the media.

You know what, Dad?

Forget it. That's the spirit, pumpkin. Let's just forget this whole thing ever

happened. That's not what I meant.

I am never going to meet a guy. I'm never going to go out on a date. I'm

going to get married.

I might as well just become a nun.

Now you're talking.

Oh, hi, Chad.

Hey, Mr. Miller.

I'm here to work with Brian.

He's in his room, listening to chick music, thinking of root beer.

Mr. Miller, I know you told Lauren she can't go to the dance with me, and I

respect that.

Well, thank you.

She's a great girl, and I can understand if you don't think I'm right for her or

something.

Oh, wait, wait. Come back.

It's not that I don't like you. It's just that stuff I taught you the other

it was all wrong.

What are you talking about? I finally had the confidence to ask out a girl.

Now, that part was right, but the other stuff I told you about, you know, girl

parts and how to get at them.

To tell you the truth, I'm too shy to do any of that stuff.

All I wanted was a date to the dance, but...

I guess I won't go now. No, no, you should go. You should go to the dance.

Hey, Chad, what a pleasant surprise.

What dance are you advising Chad to go to that's none of our business, Bill?

I don't know. I'd never dream of telling Chad where to go.

Bill, can I see you in the kitchen?

I'll get that.

Oh, no, I'll get it.

Arnie, hi. What are you doing here?

Mrs. Miller called me over here to talk.

She did?

I did.

Oh, I just may come over any time. It's an expression.

You said 5 .30.

Another expression.

Judy, can I see you in the kitchen?

Judy, what are you doing interfering with Bonnie again? What are you doing

interfering with Chad again? Chad just stopped by. You, on the other hand,

called Bonnie over. Oh, flag on the play.

Interference.

No, as a matter of fact, I was calling her to undo my interfering because Linda

made me say that I was jealous of Bonnie because she was dating my son.

Ew. I know.

All I was trying to do was make sure that Chad didn't use any of my old moves

my own daughter.

I know.

So, what are we supposed to do now?

We're going in there, interfering our asses off, making everything right, and

never doing it again, right?

Right.

So, you want to go to the bonfire? Whatever you want to do.

What just happened?

Why is his arm around her?

pumpkin. Hi, Bri Bri.

I know it feels bad now, but remember, when one door closes, another one opens

up.

Open up. Open up!

Bill, just pick up the rock and open the door.

Bill! What?

You do know there's a hide -a -key in the rock, right?

What?

popping and locking didn't mean my shoulder popping and my back locking.

Honey, don't worry about it. We'll drop a little Advil later.

You know, I felt a little guilty about chaperoning a dance that Lauren and

weren't at. You think they're mad?

I don't know. They seemed pretty miserable when we left.

Well, listen to that.

Seemed to be doing better.

Kids bounce back. All they need is a little time to cool off.

Ultimately, they know that whatever we do, we do because we love them.

No, no, no. I'm telling you, Mom is truly amazing.

No. Dad blows my mind. Okay.

Look at me. I'm a big football player. I used to be a star like a hundred years

ago.

Get away from my son. He's all mine. No one can love but me.

I think we should punish him.

Bill, you did the worm in front of all their friends. I think they've been

punished enough.

Mommy, where's my gerbil?

I told you, honey, he'll be back from...