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1
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Previously on Pushing Daisies:
2
00:00:03,963 --> 00:00:06,257
You're thinking about living here,
aren't you?
3
00:00:06,466 --> 00:00:09,928
I'm just moving next door.
Is Olive ever gonna come home?
4
00:00:10,094 --> 00:00:13,139
She's the closest thing to a sister I have.
5
00:00:17,435 --> 00:00:20,772
- What if I slip and tell the secret to Chuck?
- What secret?
6
00:00:20,939 --> 00:00:22,482
I'm Charlotte's mother.
7
00:00:22,649 --> 00:00:24,275
My God, Lily is Chuck's mother.
8
00:00:24,442 --> 00:00:26,611
Oh, a weight has been lifted.
9
00:00:26,778 --> 00:00:31,157
- Wanna come home?
- My work here is done. Come on, Pigby.
10
00:00:32,951 --> 00:00:36,079
Are you a parent or guardian,
Emerson Cod?
11
00:00:36,246 --> 00:00:37,330
I used to be.
12
00:00:37,497 --> 00:00:39,582
You have a daughter? Where is she?
Why...?
13
00:00:39,749 --> 00:00:42,585
Stop. No.
Scratching an itch only makes it itchier.
14
00:00:42,752 --> 00:00:45,255
I love you, Lil' Gum Shoe.
15
00:00:54,138 --> 00:00:58,184
Emerson Cod was 5 months,
3 days and 4 hours old...
16
00:00:58,393 --> 00:01:00,645
...when his motherplanned his death.
17
00:01:02,939 --> 00:01:05,400
It would be quick, painless...
18
00:01:15,159 --> 00:01:18,997
...and the easiest way
for Private Detective Calista Cod...
19
00:01:19,163 --> 00:01:23,167
...to bust a stock clerk claiming millions
in pain and suffering...
20
00:01:23,334 --> 00:01:26,170
...as the result of a forklift accident.
21
00:01:26,337 --> 00:01:32,135
The firm of Cod & Cod dedicated itself
to the pursuit of truth at all costs...
22
00:01:32,427 --> 00:01:35,847
...a pursuit
young Emerson found "badass."
23
00:01:47,358 --> 00:01:50,862
Faced with scoundrels,
cheats and the havoc they wreaked...
24
00:01:51,029 --> 00:01:55,199
...mother and son made a vow:
to never let lies come between them.
25
00:01:55,366 --> 00:01:56,993
It was a profitable decision.
26
00:01:59,871 --> 00:02:04,375
The truth is the cornerstone
ofany successful relationship.
27
00:02:04,542 --> 00:02:07,045
Years later,
Private investigator Emerson Cod...
28
00:02:07,211 --> 00:02:11,716
...was less successful in another
venture: aspiring pop-up book author.
29
00:02:11,883 --> 00:02:15,219
Lil' Gum Shoe was based on
the detective's childhood adventures.
30
00:02:15,386 --> 00:02:17,889
More importantly,
it was a map designed to bring...
31
00:02:18,056 --> 00:02:22,101
...his missing daughter back.
Ifhe could get it published.
32
00:02:22,268 --> 00:02:27,231
"Complex plot, lack of theme,
child endangerment." Man, that's cold.
33
00:02:27,398 --> 00:02:33,404
So, at this moment, Emerson Cod,
a failure at fatherhood and fiction...
34
00:02:33,571 --> 00:02:34,739
...decided to quit.
35
00:02:39,077 --> 00:02:40,286
- Who is she?
- I don't know.
36
00:02:40,495 --> 00:02:43,414
She just rolled in like a moody,
mean thundercloud.
37
00:02:43,581 --> 00:02:44,749
Know what you want?
38
00:02:47,251 --> 00:02:48,419
Yeah.
39
00:02:48,586 --> 00:02:51,047
Nothing, with a side of buzz off.
40
00:02:51,214 --> 00:02:53,424
Ma'am, sorry to bother.
41
00:02:53,591 --> 00:02:56,427
Perhaps you didn't realize
this is an eating establishment.
42
00:02:56,594 --> 00:02:59,722
Not a park bench, for example,
where one can loiter and smoke...
43
00:02:59,889 --> 00:03:02,600
...and not consume food
to one's heart's content.
44
00:03:02,767 --> 00:03:04,894
Got a problem, we can take it outside.
45
00:03:10,274 --> 00:03:12,235
Oh, good. Someone with a gun.
46
00:03:12,402 --> 00:03:13,611
Rhubarb.
47
00:03:13,778 --> 00:03:16,406
The whole pie'II do.
48
00:03:18,408 --> 00:03:21,285
And, Mama, when you gonna
treat yourself...
49
00:03:21,452 --> 00:03:23,121
...and spring for a decent stogy?
50
00:03:23,287 --> 00:03:26,124
The next time I trail a
white-collar money launderer to Havana.
51
00:03:30,962 --> 00:03:34,674
People, I wanna introduce you to the PI
who taught me everything I know.
52
00:03:34,841 --> 00:03:37,927
She's my best bud
and my mama to boot. Calista Cod.
53
00:03:38,094 --> 00:03:40,638
Hi, I'm Ned. This is Chuck and Olive.
54
00:03:40,805 --> 00:03:42,807
What brings you to
our neck of the woods?
55
00:03:42,974 --> 00:03:46,477
Fraud case. And I've been missing
my Lil' Gum Shoe.
56
00:03:46,644 --> 00:03:48,146
Can we hit a bar? I'm starving.
57
00:03:48,312 --> 00:03:51,190
Isn't she comforting?
The brutal honesty, the sardonic wit...
58
00:03:51,357 --> 00:03:53,359
...and the appetite for hooch.
59
00:03:53,568 --> 00:03:55,695
Add an eye patch,
and Calista could be Lily.
60
00:03:55,862 --> 00:03:57,530
How are you doing with that?
61
00:03:57,697 --> 00:03:59,866
- What's that?
- Living with the fact that...
62
00:04:00,074 --> 00:04:03,035
...the woman you've known
your whole life as a favorite aunt...
63
00:04:03,202 --> 00:04:05,329
- ...is really your mother.
- Oh, that "that."
64
00:04:05,496 --> 00:04:08,124
I'm happy that I know I have a mother
who's alive.
65
00:04:08,291 --> 00:04:10,126
Not so happy she can't know
I'm alive.
66
00:04:10,293 --> 00:04:13,129
Oh, suddenly what was comforting
is giving way to sadness.
67
00:04:13,296 --> 00:04:15,131
Then I'll be your comforter.
68
00:04:15,298 --> 00:04:17,383
Consider me your king-size duvet...
69
00:04:17,592 --> 00:04:20,678
...ready to wrap you
in goose-down goodness. Tonight.
70
00:04:20,845 --> 00:04:23,514
I'd love to, but I've already
made plans with Olive.
71
00:04:23,681 --> 00:04:26,350
You've been hanging out
every night since she got back.
72
00:04:26,517 --> 00:04:29,187
Not that I'm counting.
You new best friends or something?
73
00:04:29,353 --> 00:04:31,522
No. Wait. I guess we are.
74
00:04:31,689 --> 00:04:33,524
A new best friend.
Isn't that superb?
75
00:04:33,691 --> 00:04:35,193
The Pie-Maker did not think so.
76
00:04:35,359 --> 00:04:37,987
The more time Chuck spent
with her new best friend...
77
00:04:38,154 --> 00:04:39,822
...the less time she had for him.
78
00:04:39,989 --> 00:04:43,701
He felt alone. But he feared the truth
would make him sound needy...
79
00:04:43,868 --> 00:04:45,495
...so instead, he lied.
80
00:04:45,661 --> 00:04:47,872
It sure is. Superb.
81
00:04:48,039 --> 00:04:49,999
For you.
82
00:04:50,166 --> 00:04:51,375
Both.
83
00:04:51,542 --> 00:04:52,919
- Wanna head home, roomie?
- Mm-hm.
84
00:04:53,127 --> 00:04:57,590
Charlotte Charles and Olive Snook's
decision to cohabitate was sudden...
85
00:04:57,757 --> 00:05:00,843
...just like Olive's earlier decision
to join a nunnery...
86
00:05:01,010 --> 00:05:04,555
...where all her earthly possessions
had been given to the poor.
87
00:05:04,722 --> 00:05:08,059
It was a gesture she'd all but forgotten
until she arrived home...
88
00:05:08,226 --> 00:05:10,353
...with a new pet pig by her side.
89
00:05:10,520 --> 00:05:11,729
Is this my place?
90
00:05:11,896 --> 00:05:13,815
I'm moving out,
after having moved in...
91
00:05:13,981 --> 00:05:16,067
...which came organically
from missing you...
92
00:05:16,234 --> 00:05:18,069
...and watering your plants
as you asked.
93
00:05:18,236 --> 00:05:21,405
Don't worry.
All this will be gone by tomorrow.
94
00:05:21,572 --> 00:05:24,075
- Everything?
- I figure you wanna start from scratch.
95
00:05:24,242 --> 00:05:26,244
Truthfully, Olive Snook did not.
96
00:05:26,410 --> 00:05:29,038
What she wanted
was a furnished apartment.
97
00:05:29,205 --> 00:05:31,082
Scratch that. Let's be roommates.
98
00:05:31,249 --> 00:05:32,708
I couldn't impose.
99
00:05:32,875 --> 00:05:34,919
Truthfully, Charlotte Charles could.
100
00:05:35,086 --> 00:05:37,255
Like Olive Snook,
she enjoyed her things...
101
00:05:37,421 --> 00:05:39,549
...and the independence they brought.
102
00:05:39,715 --> 00:05:42,593
Although if I were to impose,
I'm a morning showerer...
103
00:05:42,760 --> 00:05:44,554
...a heavy sleeper and a dish drier.
104
00:05:44,720 --> 00:05:47,765
And I'm a late-night bath taker,
a snorer and a dish scrubber.
105
00:05:47,932 --> 00:05:49,809
Welcome home.
106
00:05:50,560 --> 00:05:52,228
Anything bigger we should discuss?
107
00:05:52,395 --> 00:05:55,898
Referring to the time you made me
an unwitting drug mule for your aunts?
108
00:05:56,065 --> 00:05:58,484
- I wasn't.
- Good. I done roasted that old chestnut.
109
00:05:58,693 --> 00:06:02,113
And I'm also okay you hid the fact that
one aunt was really my mother.
110
00:06:02,280 --> 00:06:05,157
Just like I'm okay with the fact
you didn't explain to me...
111
00:06:05,324 --> 00:06:07,159
...why you faked your own death.
112
00:06:07,326 --> 00:06:10,788
- My, look at all those bridges.
- And all that water flowing under them.
113
00:06:11,956 --> 00:06:13,124
I'm proud of us.
114
00:06:13,291 --> 00:06:17,169
- We put it on the table and dealt with stuff.
- Just move right off of it.
115
00:06:17,336 --> 00:06:20,256
Chuck and Olive had simultaneous
and sneaking suspicions...
116
00:06:20,423 --> 00:06:22,300
...that they were fooling themselves.
117
00:06:22,466 --> 00:06:26,137
But they read each other's anxiety
as giddy excitement...
118
00:06:26,304 --> 00:06:28,139
...so Olive Snook changed
the subject.
119
00:06:28,306 --> 00:06:30,766
Besides, who would've thought
they'd hit it off?
120
00:06:30,933 --> 00:06:35,313
Which reminds me. Would you mind
if I had the bed by the window?
121
00:06:35,479 --> 00:06:38,107
Absolutely. Not!
122
00:06:42,612 --> 00:06:44,780
I knew I should've knitted it larger.
123
00:06:44,947 --> 00:06:47,867
- Wool stretches.
- Well, not to China, sweetheart.
124
00:06:48,034 --> 00:06:49,327
You got a girl somewhere?
125
00:06:49,493 --> 00:06:53,706
Emerson Cod had lied to his
best friend and mother about two things.
126
00:06:53,873 --> 00:06:56,876
One: that he did have a girl somewhere,
age 7.
127
00:06:57,043 --> 00:06:58,711
Two: that he had written a book...
128
00:06:58,878 --> 00:07:01,380
...designed to bring this girl
back into his life.
129
00:07:01,547 --> 00:07:03,841
Somebody's been feeding you.
What's her name?
130
00:07:04,008 --> 00:07:05,343
- Pie-Maker.
- Damn.
131
00:07:05,509 --> 00:07:08,679
Damn sad, me not knowing more
about what's happening in your life.
132
00:07:08,846 --> 00:07:10,973
I know we're both busy,
but it ain't right.
133
00:07:11,140 --> 00:07:12,183
Emerson Cod agreed.
134
00:07:12,350 --> 00:07:15,019
It was no longer right to be
in his mother's presence...
135
00:07:15,186 --> 00:07:18,189
...without coming clean
and cleaning off their cornerstone.
136
00:07:18,356 --> 00:07:21,692
His decision to share his secrets
was a noble intent.
137
00:07:21,859 --> 00:07:24,320
All right, Ma. Here's the dilly.
138
00:07:25,863 --> 00:07:28,741
Mr. Cod,
I'm in desperate need of assistance.
139
00:07:28,908 --> 00:07:31,035
What makes you so desperate, Miss...?
140
00:07:31,202 --> 00:07:33,996
Villanueva. Veronica Villanueva.
141
00:07:34,163 --> 00:07:35,706
An unsolved murder.
142
00:07:35,873 --> 00:07:37,708
Namely, that of my best friend, Joe.
143
00:07:37,875 --> 00:07:41,921
- Office is closed. Family matters. Scram.
- Please. I'm opening my heart to you.
144
00:07:42,088 --> 00:07:44,048
Just open that blouse.
145
00:07:45,716 --> 00:07:48,386
You got a description of this Joe?
146
00:07:49,387 --> 00:07:52,014
They found his body
dumped in an alleyway last night.
147
00:07:52,181 --> 00:07:53,766
He had been missing for two days.
148
00:07:53,933 --> 00:07:56,394
Joe. He was like a brother.
149
00:07:56,560 --> 00:07:58,521
He meant everything to me.
150
00:07:58,688 --> 00:08:01,107
I want justice at any price.
151
00:08:01,315 --> 00:08:03,025
That's our kind of justice.
152
00:08:03,192 --> 00:08:05,569
We'll be in touch.
153
00:08:05,736 --> 00:08:07,405
I'll be dental damned.
154
00:08:07,571 --> 00:08:10,908
- Girl like that, you certainly should.
- I'm talking about a dentist...
155
00:08:11,075 --> 00:08:13,244
...by the name of Dr. Eugene Halifax.
156
00:08:13,411 --> 00:08:17,873
Came to see me this morning
about the murder of his best friend, Joe.
157
00:08:18,040 --> 00:08:22,628
With Miss Villanueva,
he's a cosmo-drinking shopaholic.
158
00:08:22,837 --> 00:08:24,922
- Queer.
- You bet it's odd.
159
00:08:25,089 --> 00:08:27,925
Dr. Eugene has Joe as some tough guy
who's tough on plaque.
160
00:08:28,092 --> 00:08:30,636
Seems Joe was a different friend
to different people.
161
00:08:30,845 --> 00:08:32,888
- Meaning both your clients.
- Mm-hm.
162
00:08:33,055 --> 00:08:37,435
Gonna thank Mama for getting you
paid twice to solve one murder?
163
00:08:41,772 --> 00:08:43,232
That's Joe, all right.
164
00:08:45,568 --> 00:08:46,610
Hey, folks.
165
00:08:46,777 --> 00:08:49,780
- What's going on?
- You in the morgue. Our condolences.
166
00:08:49,947 --> 00:08:51,490
Know how you happened in here?
167
00:08:51,657 --> 00:08:53,784
I remember I was
getting ready to play ball...
168
00:08:53,951 --> 00:08:56,120
...when there was
a doozy of a pain in my back.
169
00:08:56,287 --> 00:08:59,290
Stab wound.
Killer stitched it up. Poorly.
170
00:08:59,457 --> 00:09:00,916
- Let me see.
- Oh!
171
00:09:03,669 --> 00:09:04,962
Oh!
172
00:09:05,171 --> 00:09:06,964
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
173
00:09:07,131 --> 00:09:11,969
Is it me, or is that odor strangely
reminiscent of eighth-grade biology?
174
00:09:12,136 --> 00:09:13,471
Specifically, formaldehyde.
175
00:09:13,637 --> 00:09:15,598
The coroner must've started
embalming me.
176
00:09:15,765 --> 00:09:18,267
Coroner don't embalm.
Just looks for cause of death.
177
00:09:18,434 --> 00:09:20,102
Preserving happens after and elsewhere.
178
00:09:21,604 --> 00:09:24,523
- Bless you.
- Bless Downy. She was my one and only.
179
00:09:24,690 --> 00:09:28,194
I never got a chance to tell her how
much I cared. Now she'll never know.
180
00:09:28,402 --> 00:09:30,821
- Any idea who'd pickle your gherkin?
- None.
181
00:09:30,988 --> 00:09:33,616
I wonder if this has to do
with my best friend.
182
00:09:33,783 --> 00:09:35,034
Veronica, or Dr. Eugene?
183
00:09:35,201 --> 00:09:37,286
You know those two? Small world.
184
00:09:37,453 --> 00:09:39,663
- Keep an eye on them for me?
- We plan to.
185
00:09:40,790 --> 00:09:44,794
Well, looks like we gotta get friendly
with a couple of best friends. Oh!
186
00:09:49,381 --> 00:09:50,883
Under normal circumstances...
187
00:09:51,050 --> 00:09:54,011
...a Pl would
question separate clients separately.
188
00:09:54,178 --> 00:09:57,640
However, the presence of one Pl's
Pl mother...
189
00:09:57,807 --> 00:10:01,185
...allowed him to employ a timesaving
interrogation technique...
190
00:10:01,352 --> 00:10:03,521
...known as the Kalashni-Cod.
191
00:10:03,687 --> 00:10:06,273
Like the Russian machine gun
for which it was named...
192
00:10:06,440 --> 00:10:08,109
...its operation was simple.
193
00:10:08,275 --> 00:10:10,861
The scope was set.
The magazine loaded...
194
00:10:11,028 --> 00:10:12,404
...and the trigger pulled.
195
00:10:12,571 --> 00:10:14,281
Who's Joe's best friend?
196
00:10:14,448 --> 00:10:16,951
I got it on good authority
Joe's BFF made him R.I.P.
197
00:10:17,118 --> 00:10:18,160
Want the title now?
198
00:10:18,327 --> 00:10:19,995
Where were you last Friday night?
199
00:10:20,162 --> 00:10:21,831
- Obsessed?
- Buy the formaldehyde?
200
00:10:21,997 --> 00:10:23,874
Giving him the stab
make you feel good?
201
00:10:24,041 --> 00:10:26,961
- I no suspect. I hired you.
- I think I'd like my money back.
202
00:10:27,128 --> 00:10:29,839
I don't give no damn refunds
to people who waste my time.
203
00:10:30,005 --> 00:10:33,300
When you retain my services, I expect
the facts. I mean all of them.
204
00:10:33,467 --> 00:10:35,928
- Looking at your averted eyes...
- The lowered heads.
205
00:10:36,095 --> 00:10:38,848
...And nibbled lips makes me think
you hiding something.
206
00:10:39,014 --> 00:10:41,976
- What is it?
- Fine. I'll tell you the truth.
207
00:10:42,143 --> 00:10:45,354
The dirty, humiliating truth.
208
00:10:45,521 --> 00:10:46,939
Joe was a Frescort.
209
00:10:47,106 --> 00:10:49,316
It's short for "friend-escort."
210
00:10:49,483 --> 00:10:52,319
Basically, a friend for hire.
You pick from the catalog.
211
00:10:52,486 --> 00:10:54,196
They become anyone
you want them to.
212
00:10:54,363 --> 00:10:56,615
What's wrong with picking somebody
the old way?
213
00:10:56,782 --> 00:10:59,285
Walking up and saying,
"Hi, my name is Blah-Dee-Blah.
214
00:10:59,451 --> 00:11:02,788
You like bloo-dee-blooing?
Me too. Let's be friends."
215
00:11:02,955 --> 00:11:06,375
- But I'm shy.
- I get why Dr. Bashful needs a pay-a-pal.
216
00:11:06,542 --> 00:11:09,670
But back when I had a rack
and a couple of sticks like yours...
217
00:11:09,837 --> 00:11:12,464
...I had no trouble
making acquaintances.
218
00:11:12,631 --> 00:11:16,302
This attracts all kinds.
219
00:11:16,468 --> 00:11:18,387
But no one wants to know who I am.
220
00:11:18,554 --> 00:11:22,099
Men only see me
as a score not yet scored.
221
00:11:22,266 --> 00:11:23,392
- And the women?
- This...
222
00:11:23,559 --> 00:11:26,645
- Yeah, we got it.
- It promotes instant jealousy.
223
00:11:26,812 --> 00:11:27,938
I was all alone.
224
00:11:28,105 --> 00:11:30,441
So I called in the professionals.
225
00:11:30,608 --> 00:11:32,401
As Emerson Cod read the words...
226
00:11:32,568 --> 00:11:35,863
...he was reminded of
Frescort Joe's final ones.
227
00:11:36,030 --> 00:11:40,743
- That his murder may've had to do with...
- "My Best Friend, Inc."?
228
00:11:42,161 --> 00:11:43,370
Everybody know their job?
229
00:11:43,537 --> 00:11:47,541
Olive and I are Frescort wannabes. Our
mission: to find Joe's one and only, Downy.
230
00:11:47,708 --> 00:11:49,293
Meanwhile, me and the Pie-Man...
231
00:11:49,460 --> 00:11:51,754
...gonna have a sit-down chat
with the CEO.
232
00:11:51,921 --> 00:11:54,423
See who Joe was pretend-friending
the night he died.
233
00:11:54,590 --> 00:11:56,258
Any questions?
234
00:11:56,926 --> 00:11:58,761
- That was rhetorical.
- My query is not.
235
00:11:58,928 --> 00:12:01,388
What happened to you and your mom
working together?
236
00:12:01,555 --> 00:12:04,141
She working on her own case.
I might need a diversion.
237
00:12:04,308 --> 00:12:05,351
So you with me.
238
00:12:05,517 --> 00:12:07,603
This isn't a question.
More of a suggestion.
239
00:12:07,770 --> 00:12:11,148
Merely a tiny change of plan
where Chuck goes undercover with...
240
00:12:11,315 --> 00:12:13,317
...me, for instance.
241
00:12:13,484 --> 00:12:16,612
The Pie-Maker's intention
wasn't to make waves.
242
00:12:16,779 --> 00:12:21,283
He was just trying to spend time
with his beloved Chuck.
243
00:12:21,450 --> 00:12:23,535
Yeah, sure. It's just that Olive and I...
244
00:12:23,702 --> 00:12:26,205
...had kind of come up with
back-stories and aliases.
245
00:12:26,372 --> 00:12:29,541
And a secret
incognito-partners' handshake.
246
00:12:31,752 --> 00:12:34,463
Yeah, that's nice.
Plan stays as planned.
247
00:12:34,630 --> 00:12:36,423
Move out.
248
00:12:39,218 --> 00:12:42,763
Welcome to My Best Friend.
Where everyone's in the in-crowd.
249
00:12:42,930 --> 00:12:46,767
I'm a PI. Less interested in
the in-crowd and more in the out.
250
00:12:46,934 --> 00:12:48,894
- As in, murdered.
- You're here about Joe.
251
00:12:49,061 --> 00:12:50,938
Such a devastating loss.
252
00:12:51,105 --> 00:12:52,523
He was our top performer.
253
00:12:52,690 --> 00:12:55,109
That's what you peddle
around here? Performers?
254
00:12:55,276 --> 00:12:57,278
Truthfully?
I'd say it's atonement.
255
00:12:57,444 --> 00:12:59,989
Back in high school,
I was a colossal creep.
256
00:13:00,155 --> 00:13:05,411
Math geeks, male cheerleaders,
even the pitiful team mascot...
257
00:13:05,577 --> 00:13:11,083
...were just sad, pimply targets
for a varsity quarterback like myself.
258
00:13:11,250 --> 00:13:14,169
Until two blitzing linebackers
destroyed my knee.
259
00:13:14,336 --> 00:13:18,632
Suddenly, I was no different
from all those nerds I put through hell.
260
00:13:19,049 --> 00:13:23,262
From that point on,
I swore I'd use my powers for good...
261
00:13:23,429 --> 00:13:26,056
...providing people, for a nominal fee...
262
00:13:26,223 --> 00:13:30,436
...with what
everyone deserves: friendship.
263
00:13:30,602 --> 00:13:33,689
Judging by these digs, your nominal fees
been adding up.
264
00:13:33,856 --> 00:13:38,068
No matter what the world says about
gadgetry bringing us closer together...
265
00:13:38,235 --> 00:13:40,070
...it's driven us further apart.
266
00:13:40,237 --> 00:13:42,948
We're isolated. All alone.
267
00:13:43,115 --> 00:13:47,286
But once trained, my Frescorts function
as the best companions money can buy.
268
00:13:47,453 --> 00:13:50,414
Who was Joe companioning
the night he died?
269
00:13:50,581 --> 00:13:52,082
No client appointments.
270
00:13:52,249 --> 00:13:55,627
- Mind if I take a gander?
- We keep all of our records confidential.
271
00:13:55,794 --> 00:13:57,004
The hug machine.
272
00:13:57,171 --> 00:13:58,714
Our most valuable teaching tool.
273
00:13:58,881 --> 00:14:00,799
How about a demo on my associate?
274
00:14:00,966 --> 00:14:02,301
- No, thank you.
- Divert.
275
00:14:02,468 --> 00:14:04,803
Come on, you.
276
00:14:05,471 --> 00:14:07,806
See, proper hugs are a science.
277
00:14:07,973 --> 00:14:11,727
They must be platonic, but not cold.
278
00:14:11,894 --> 00:14:15,064
Firm, but not painful.
279
00:14:15,230 --> 00:14:17,733
The Pie-Maker didn't want
to be hugged by a machine.
280
00:14:17,900 --> 00:14:21,528
He wanted to be hugged by the one
he was lonely for.
281
00:14:24,490 --> 00:14:28,535
But for a fleeting moment,
the Pie-Maker's aloneness abated.
282
00:14:28,702 --> 00:14:32,581
So he closed his eyes, thought of Chuck,
and hugged back.
283
00:14:32,748 --> 00:14:33,832
I like that.
284
00:14:33,999 --> 00:14:36,585
We'll have the models in the gift shop
for Christmas.
285
00:14:36,752 --> 00:14:39,505
I'll make sure there's one
in your stocking. Come on.
286
00:14:39,671 --> 00:14:42,549
Emerson Cod had uncovered
Joe's home address...
287
00:14:42,716 --> 00:14:45,677
...as Chuck and Olive
addressed going undercover.
288
00:14:45,844 --> 00:14:50,724
Barb? Hi, my name is Kitty Pimms.
And this is Patty Boots.
289
00:14:50,891 --> 00:14:54,311
We're two motivated candidates
ready to befriend the sad and lonely.
290
00:14:54,478 --> 00:14:55,521
For pay.
291
00:14:55,687 --> 00:14:59,733
Kitty Pimms, Patty Boots.
What wonderfully rhythmic names.
292
00:14:59,900 --> 00:15:02,611
They just scream good humor
and bonhomie. Now.
293
00:15:02,778 --> 00:15:06,990
- Can you Fake It Real?
- Wha... Wha... What?
294
00:15:07,157 --> 00:15:09,284
Were you making fun of my stuttering?
295
00:15:09,451 --> 00:15:11,912
- No, I was just...
- I don't stutter, but if I did...
296
00:15:12,079 --> 00:15:14,331
...what you did would
put me at ease by saying:
297
00:15:14,498 --> 00:15:18,836
"Hey, you're okay. I'm okay.
We're okay."
298
00:15:19,002 --> 00:15:21,547
Okay? Now, back to Fake It Real.
299
00:15:21,713 --> 00:15:24,216
On any given day,
clients are gonna depend on you...
300
00:15:24,383 --> 00:15:29,179
...to summon up every feeling
in the book, even if you're not feeling it.
301
00:15:29,346 --> 00:15:30,848
Show me happy.
302
00:15:31,014 --> 00:15:32,266
Sad.
303
00:15:32,433 --> 00:15:34,059
Surprise. Consternation.
304
00:15:34,226 --> 00:15:36,019
Constipation.
305
00:15:36,186 --> 00:15:37,438
Know what I'm showing you?
306
00:15:37,604 --> 00:15:41,525
Heck, yeah, we are getting you
into training. ASAP.
307
00:15:42,109 --> 00:15:45,237
Except I heard this job can be
kind of dangerous.
308
00:15:45,404 --> 00:15:48,449
You're referring to Joe.
It's so horrible.
309
00:15:48,615 --> 00:15:50,826
- Did you know him?
- Just by name.
310
00:15:50,993 --> 00:15:53,454
Frescorts are forbidden to fraternize.
311
00:15:53,620 --> 00:15:56,748
You two are friends, aren't you?
Don't answer, I can tell.
312
00:15:56,915 --> 00:15:59,418
Thing is, you're awesome,
and I only want to bring...
313
00:15:59,585 --> 00:16:06,216
...the best people into this organization,
so we'll just keep things on the q.t. Shh.
314
00:16:06,425 --> 00:16:07,801
We won't even carpool.
315
00:16:07,968 --> 00:16:10,471
At that moment,
another carpool had landed...
316
00:16:10,637 --> 00:16:12,639
...at the apartment of a murder victim.
317
00:16:12,806 --> 00:16:15,058
Frescorts ain't nothing
but a bunch of cons...
318
00:16:15,225 --> 00:16:16,852
...hiding behind good intentions.
319
00:16:17,019 --> 00:16:20,731
My experience?
People don't appreciate being conned...
320
00:16:20,898 --> 00:16:24,610
...even when they're pathetic losers
who signed up for it in the first place.
321
00:16:24,776 --> 00:16:26,862
Gonna go in Joe's place
and find that list.
322
00:16:27,029 --> 00:16:29,448
See which one of his clients
did him in.
323
00:16:29,615 --> 00:16:32,576
Why are they pathetic losers?
Because they're alone?
324
00:16:32,743 --> 00:16:34,870
They're paying for something
that's free.
325
00:16:35,037 --> 00:16:37,664
There's nothing wrong with
needing a little extra help.
326
00:16:37,831 --> 00:16:40,334
A person with a wobbly backhand
hires a tennis coach.
327
00:16:40,501 --> 00:16:43,086
You have no clue how to bake
a rhubarb-custard pie.
328
00:16:43,253 --> 00:16:45,255
Do I call you pathetic for
paying me to?
329
00:16:45,422 --> 00:16:48,717
You've had a best friend since birth.
Not all of us are that lucky.
330
00:16:48,884 --> 00:16:49,885
Yeah, well.
331
00:16:50,052 --> 00:16:53,972
Don't be too jealous of my luck. Ain't but
one sorry leaf hanging off that clover.
332
00:16:54,139 --> 00:16:56,892
Mama and me ain't
supposed to have no lies between us.
333
00:16:57,059 --> 00:17:00,521
Well, technically, I never lied.
But I never told her I have a daughter.
334
00:17:00,687 --> 00:17:02,564
Mothers consider that splitting hairs.
335
00:17:02,731 --> 00:17:06,735
She spent her whole life teaching me
how to collar cons.
336
00:17:06,902 --> 00:17:10,906
I guess I'm just embarrassed to have her
know that my ex conned me.
337
00:17:11,073 --> 00:17:12,241
But you know what?
338
00:17:12,407 --> 00:17:14,910
I'm chucking my chagrin overboard.
339
00:17:15,077 --> 00:17:17,996
I'm letting loose the truth. Yep.
340
00:17:18,914 --> 00:17:21,875
I'm gonna sit Mama down...
341
00:17:22,626 --> 00:17:25,796
...take a deep breath
and look her straight in the...
342
00:17:34,638 --> 00:17:37,307
What's the matter? Cat got your eye?
343
00:17:38,308 --> 00:17:40,227
Sorry. It's just glass.
344
00:17:40,394 --> 00:17:42,646
Yeah, it's for a sculpture
I'm working on.
345
00:17:42,813 --> 00:17:45,899
We're private investigators,
looking into a murder.
346
00:17:47,150 --> 00:17:49,486
- Joe was my roommate.
- Mm-hm.
347
00:17:49,653 --> 00:17:51,655
What's your name, roommate?
348
00:17:51,822 --> 00:17:53,156
Randy Mann.
349
00:17:53,323 --> 00:17:56,868
I got some knee-slappers about that.
You wanna hear?
350
00:17:57,035 --> 00:17:59,329
In the face of tragedy,
I try to keep it light.
351
00:17:59,496 --> 00:18:02,958
It's just weird,
not having him around anymore.
352
00:18:03,125 --> 00:18:04,876
Joe had such a big personality.
353
00:18:05,043 --> 00:18:07,045
It's tough. Share your life with someone.
354
00:18:07,212 --> 00:18:09,381
Suddenly, there's an abyss
where a person was.
355
00:18:09,548 --> 00:18:11,967
- You lost a roommate?
- And girlfriend. Same person.
356
00:18:12,134 --> 00:18:14,136
Your roommate-slash-girlfriend died?
357
00:18:14,344 --> 00:18:15,887
Yeah.
358
00:18:16,054 --> 00:18:18,307
I mean, no. She moved out. Sorry.
359
00:18:18,473 --> 00:18:20,183
Doesn't compare. Not even remotely.
360
00:18:20,350 --> 00:18:23,645
You're not completely alone, though.
361
00:18:23,854 --> 00:18:25,439
Golden retriever, right?
362
00:18:25,606 --> 00:18:27,316
Yeah. Digby.
363
00:18:27,482 --> 00:18:31,069
Who would be a comfort if he
didn't prefer living with my girlfriend...
364
00:18:31,278 --> 00:18:34,072
...her new bestie and their pig.
365
00:18:35,741 --> 00:18:38,243
You aware that Joe worked
as a friend for hire, Mann?
366
00:18:38,410 --> 00:18:42,289
I thought he was a tutor to special folks
or something like that.
367
00:18:42,456 --> 00:18:46,168
- Know who he was with the night he died?
- Sure don't, pal.
368
00:18:46,710 --> 00:18:48,837
Wait. Where do you think you're going?
369
00:18:49,004 --> 00:18:50,881
Bedrooms are back here?
Wanna see Joe's.
370
00:18:51,048 --> 00:18:53,884
Wish you could, but you can't.
See, I'm late for something.
371
00:18:54,051 --> 00:18:55,927
But seriously, come back anytime.
372
00:19:09,232 --> 00:19:10,901
Randy's a nut job's name.
373
00:19:11,068 --> 00:19:13,612
Randy's a fun guy's name.
You grab a beer with Randy.
374
00:19:13,779 --> 00:19:16,198
Grill brats with Randy.
Pick up chicks with Randy.
375
00:19:16,406 --> 00:19:18,533
Help stuff them in Randy's freezer
with Randy.
376
00:19:18,700 --> 00:19:20,577
Be a little nice. His roommate died.
377
00:19:20,744 --> 00:19:24,581
You see how crazy-behind-the-eyes he got
when I tried to get in that back room?
378
00:19:24,748 --> 00:19:27,084
People are private.
I've never seen your back room.
379
00:19:27,250 --> 00:19:29,544
- Or your front room.
- Never seen your front door.
380
00:19:29,711 --> 00:19:31,880
- Where do you live?
- Your son's secretive.
381
00:19:32,047 --> 00:19:35,258
- He didn't get it from me.
- My hizzy ain't none of y'all's bizzy.
382
00:19:35,425 --> 00:19:37,719
Mann is shady.
Gonna get back into his house...
383
00:19:37,928 --> 00:19:39,971
...as soon as I get him to take
that bait.
384
00:19:40,138 --> 00:19:42,307
- What've you got?
- Still no news on Downy.
385
00:19:42,474 --> 00:19:45,185
And since company policy dictates
Frescorts can't date...
386
00:19:45,352 --> 00:19:47,896
- ...then it may even be a dead end.
- Hi, Ned.
387
00:19:48,063 --> 00:19:49,189
Hey, bait.
388
00:19:49,356 --> 00:19:52,442
I found your cooking-class coupon,
so I brought a lot of offal.
389
00:19:52,609 --> 00:19:54,444
- "Awful"?
- "Offal." O-F-F-A-L.
390
00:19:54,611 --> 00:19:57,322
Animal organs and innards.
For meat pies.
391
00:19:57,489 --> 00:19:59,116
So "awful," like this idea.
392
00:19:59,282 --> 00:20:01,618
I'm not leaving Ned alone
with Backroom Randy.
393
00:20:01,785 --> 00:20:04,788
This place is full of freezers,
perfect for body-stuffing.
394
00:20:04,955 --> 00:20:08,917
It's also full of customers.
Come on in, Randy.
395
00:20:09,084 --> 00:20:11,795
All right, girls number one and two,
get to Frescorting.
396
00:20:11,962 --> 00:20:14,297
- All right, Ma, let's go.
- Damn it. My target's on the move.
397
00:20:15,841 --> 00:20:17,008
Well, can't it wait?
398
00:20:17,175 --> 00:20:19,261
I thought we gonna catch up and talk...
399
00:20:19,469 --> 00:20:21,304
...while we were tossing
that apartment.
400
00:20:21,471 --> 00:20:24,808
Darling, you know what it is
to be married to the job.
401
00:20:24,975 --> 00:20:27,436
We'll have time for talking tomorrow.
402
00:20:27,602 --> 00:20:31,148
The weight of the untruths
about his missing daughter grew heavier.
403
00:20:31,314 --> 00:20:35,444
So heavy that he felt
he'd soon be crushed beneath them.
404
00:20:35,610 --> 00:20:38,697
And so he entered the apartment
of a suspected killer...
405
00:20:38,864 --> 00:20:44,661
...with a different death on his mind:
that of his and his mother's friendship.
406
00:20:44,828 --> 00:20:48,707
Tutor of some sort, my glue stick.
407
00:20:56,590 --> 00:20:58,216
Freeze.
408
00:21:09,561 --> 00:21:12,522
Holy Noah's nutty-as-a-fruitcake ark.
409
00:21:21,531 --> 00:21:25,535
But the menagerie of taxidermied
animals would not be the nuttiest thing...
410
00:21:25,702 --> 00:21:28,413
...Emerson Cod would find.
411
00:21:40,550 --> 00:21:43,220
- Aren't you gonna chow down?
- I'm a vegetarian.
412
00:21:43,428 --> 00:21:48,266
This stuff will make you strong.
"Gobbling gizzards makes muscles."
413
00:21:48,558 --> 00:21:50,769
Least that's what my ma used to say.
414
00:21:50,936 --> 00:21:54,564
- Um... Why?
- I had loose ligaments as a kid.
415
00:21:54,731 --> 00:21:57,651
Always falling, bruising my tailbone,
bumping my head.
416
00:21:57,818 --> 00:22:00,237
A total disaster. Especially at sports.
417
00:22:00,445 --> 00:22:02,948
All the kids at school made fun
but I didn't care.
418
00:22:03,114 --> 00:22:05,158
I just played with my pets.
419
00:22:05,325 --> 00:22:08,662
Because pets are cool with you,
no matter what.
420
00:22:08,995 --> 00:22:10,747
Like your dog. Digby, right?
421
00:22:12,624 --> 00:22:15,377
He digs you just the way you are.
Forever will too.
422
00:22:15,585 --> 00:22:18,088
I gotta stop going on
about stuff like this.
423
00:22:18,255 --> 00:22:20,131
Makes me seem like a weirdo.
424
00:22:20,298 --> 00:22:23,677
However,
the Pie-Maker did not see a weirdo.
425
00:22:23,885 --> 00:22:25,679
I didn't have friends
at school either.
426
00:22:25,846 --> 00:22:28,723
Talk about a disaster.
They wouldn't even give me gym clothes.
427
00:22:28,890 --> 00:22:31,601
- I'd sneak off and bake pies.
- That's how I got started...
428
00:22:31,768 --> 00:22:35,188
...in my hobby too. I don't usually
share it, but the minute we met...
429
00:22:35,355 --> 00:22:36,731
...I knew you'd be okay.
430
00:22:36,898 --> 00:22:40,068
So I brought it along
and hid it out back. Wanna see?
431
00:22:40,277 --> 00:22:41,611
Sure.
432
00:22:45,949 --> 00:22:47,033
Digby.
433
00:22:50,287 --> 00:22:51,371
Listen.
434
00:22:51,580 --> 00:22:54,165
- He's singing "American Pie."
- You killed my dog?
435
00:22:54,374 --> 00:22:57,711
No. That's Butterscotch, my dog.
You said your golden retriever was...
436
00:22:57,878 --> 00:23:00,255
...with someone else.
I thought I'd lend you mine.
437
00:23:00,422 --> 00:23:03,925
- He's been my best friend since I was 5.
- This is how you repay him?
438
00:23:04,134 --> 00:23:07,512
If you had the chance to hold on to
someone you loved, wouldn't you?
439
00:23:07,721 --> 00:23:10,515
In fact, the Pie-Maker had. Twice.
440
00:23:10,724 --> 00:23:11,892
But instead, he said...
441
00:23:12,100 --> 00:23:13,977
Please leave.
442
00:23:15,896 --> 00:23:18,231
I thought we had
something in common.
443
00:23:18,398 --> 00:23:20,609
You a sick man, Randy Mann.
444
00:23:20,775 --> 00:23:23,862
Stuffing all them critters
and then posing them in twisted ways.
445
00:23:24,029 --> 00:23:26,865
Well, that's why I don't
ever tell people about it.
446
00:23:27,032 --> 00:23:29,910
They don't understand.
You don't think it's twisted, do you?
447
00:23:30,118 --> 00:23:33,872
He does. He was baby-sitting while
I gathered evidence against your ass.
448
00:23:34,080 --> 00:23:36,499
- Liar. Liar.
- Your pants on fire.
449
00:23:36,666 --> 00:23:39,044
You wasn't Joe's roommate.
You were his client.
450
00:23:39,210 --> 00:23:42,923
Why would I tell? It's embarrassing,
having to pay someone to hang out.
451
00:23:43,131 --> 00:23:46,676
Even more humiliating to have your
Frescort repo'd. That must have been...
452
00:23:46,843 --> 00:23:49,930
- ...the final straw before you offed Joe.
- I offered him a deal.
453
00:23:50,096 --> 00:23:53,058
To be my roommate, rent free.
He agreed.
454
00:23:53,224 --> 00:23:57,520
- Said it'd be like a real friendship.
- Is that why you kept a piece of him?
455
00:23:57,729 --> 00:24:00,231
Joe's appendix floating
in formaldehyde.
456
00:24:00,398 --> 00:24:02,359
- Oh, God.
- Except you found out quick...
457
00:24:02,525 --> 00:24:05,362
...preserving a human is tougher.
You had to dump the body.
458
00:24:05,570 --> 00:24:09,199
That appendix is mine, formerly Joe's.
He gave it to me as a joke.
459
00:24:09,366 --> 00:24:12,452
And to thank me for taking him to
the hospital when it burst.
460
00:24:12,661 --> 00:24:15,330
Check his medical records.
Or ask his girlfriend.
461
00:24:15,497 --> 00:24:17,415
- He must've told her.
- What's her name?
462
00:24:17,624 --> 00:24:21,336
I don't know, but it was someone at
work. Must have been serious, though.
463
00:24:21,503 --> 00:24:24,422
Joe was even gonna quit
so they could be together.
464
00:24:29,552 --> 00:24:31,805
So Ned just paged me
at the welcome desk.
465
00:24:31,972 --> 00:24:34,391
He says there's no doubt there's
a Downy among us.
466
00:24:34,557 --> 00:24:39,020
Okay. I'll nose through my "How to
Flatter the Profoundly Ugly" symposium.
467
00:24:39,229 --> 00:24:41,398
I've got a "CD Mixes
That Matter" lab.
468
00:24:41,564 --> 00:24:43,942
- Maybe someone there will know.
- "Kinship."
469
00:24:44,109 --> 00:24:47,612
Anyone know another word for it?
I'm afraid there's a "Q" involved.
470
00:24:47,821 --> 00:24:49,781
- Propinquity.
- Nice.
471
00:24:49,948 --> 00:24:54,911
- Okay. Give me another.
- Oh, four across is gelding.
472
00:24:55,120 --> 00:24:57,956
Thanks, but I don't do the acrosses.
473
00:24:58,123 --> 00:24:59,249
- I only do the...
- Downs.
474
00:25:00,750 --> 00:25:02,293
Barb, you're Downy.
475
00:25:02,877 --> 00:25:04,879
- No.
- You sure aren't faking anything...
476
00:25:05,046 --> 00:25:07,215
...to the contrary.
477
00:25:07,924 --> 00:25:10,719
Okay.
478
00:25:11,761 --> 00:25:16,641
It's okay. We're just trying to help.
Is Downy a nickname that Joe gave you?
479
00:25:16,850 --> 00:25:17,976
- Tissue.
- What?
480
00:25:18,143 --> 00:25:19,227
- Tissue.
- Tissue.
481
00:25:19,394 --> 00:25:20,937
I can't reach that. I just...
482
00:25:24,274 --> 00:25:25,400
- Ha!
- Ahh!
483
00:25:25,775 --> 00:25:28,695
- Barb, no.
- Fake that, bitches.
484
00:25:33,783 --> 00:25:35,869
Crap. Ah-ha!
485
00:25:49,507 --> 00:25:51,760
Oh, hell, no.
486
00:25:55,346 --> 00:25:56,806
- Mama?
- Yes, dear?
487
00:25:57,015 --> 00:25:58,641
- I can't breathe.
- Yeah?
488
00:25:58,850 --> 00:26:01,644
I gave you breath
and this is the thanks I get?
489
00:26:03,104 --> 00:26:04,439
The facts were these.
490
00:26:06,274 --> 00:26:09,194
Missy Scrivner, editorial assistant
at Book 'Em Books...
491
00:26:09,360 --> 00:26:12,447
...oversaw all rejected
manuscript letters.
492
00:26:12,614 --> 00:26:16,326
Underbite surgery had left the girl
shackled to a liquid diet...
493
00:26:16,493 --> 00:26:20,663
...which found its way onto
the rejection letter of one Emerson Cod.
494
00:26:20,830 --> 00:26:24,459
Unable to decipher anything
but the words "E" and "Cod"...
495
00:26:24,626 --> 00:26:26,503
...Missy phoned directory assistance.
496
00:26:26,669 --> 00:26:29,506
Mistaking her garbled "E" for a "C"...
497
00:26:29,672 --> 00:26:31,841
...the operator gave
the address of Calista...
498
00:26:32,008 --> 00:26:35,845
...who read the critiques and assumed
her son's secret book was...
499
00:26:36,012 --> 00:26:37,555
A thinly disguised tell-all...
500
00:26:37,764 --> 00:26:40,517
...to show the world
what kind of horrible mother I am.
501
00:26:40,683 --> 00:26:42,519
- Did you even read it?
- Didn't have to.
502
00:26:42,685 --> 00:26:46,189
The cover screams smear. What's
with the main character being a girl?
503
00:26:46,356 --> 00:26:49,734
- You saying I turned you gay?
- I ain't gay and this ain't about you.
504
00:26:49,901 --> 00:26:51,528
It's about my daughter.
505
00:26:51,694 --> 00:26:54,531
- What daughter?
- She's 7.
506
00:26:54,697 --> 00:26:56,866
Her mama ran off with her
when she was a baby.
507
00:26:57,033 --> 00:27:00,203
Been looking for her ever since,
with no luck.
508
00:27:00,370 --> 00:27:03,039
And that's why I finally wrote
Lil' Gum Shoe.
509
00:27:03,206 --> 00:27:05,208
To help her have a way to find me.
510
00:27:09,045 --> 00:27:10,255
Why didn't you tell me?
511
00:27:10,421 --> 00:27:12,173
I didn't even tell my friends.
512
00:27:12,382 --> 00:27:14,300
I'm not your friend.
I'm your mother.
513
00:27:14,509 --> 00:27:17,053
- Oh, now you're my mama.
- What's that, Mumbles?
514
00:27:17,220 --> 00:27:18,596
I said...
515
00:27:18,805 --> 00:27:21,891
...you only say stuff like that
when you want me to feel guilty.
516
00:27:22,058 --> 00:27:25,103
Since you've switched back
to Mama mode, I can roll with that.
517
00:27:25,311 --> 00:27:28,690
So tell me, Mama, what kind of mother
spies on her own son?
518
00:27:28,898 --> 00:27:30,692
It's not like I wanted to.
519
00:27:31,192 --> 00:27:33,945
Damn. That's shrewd, woman.
520
00:27:34,195 --> 00:27:36,281
You faked a fraud case.
521
00:27:36,447 --> 00:27:38,741
You set off your own beeper.
522
00:27:38,908 --> 00:27:43,746
You even made sure I took two clients
at once so I'd be doubly busy.
523
00:27:43,913 --> 00:27:46,749
All so you could poke around
in my personal life.
524
00:27:47,876 --> 00:27:49,627
Know what the sad thing is, Mama?
525
00:27:49,878 --> 00:27:52,839
I was gonna tell you everything.
526
00:27:54,257 --> 00:27:56,217
What kind of fool do you take me for?
527
00:27:58,553 --> 00:28:00,346
You saying you don't believe me?
528
00:28:02,974 --> 00:28:07,395
Well, I guess there's nothing else
for you and me to talk about, then.
529
00:28:08,104 --> 00:28:10,231
Chuck and Olive
haven't checked in yet.
530
00:28:11,065 --> 00:28:14,819
It's like we're trapped in a sachet
in the panty drawer of a dead shut-in...
531
00:28:14,986 --> 00:28:17,071
...who was shut in her bedroom
by her cats...
532
00:28:17,238 --> 00:28:20,575
...so they wouldn't have to smell
the stench of freesia.
533
00:28:20,909 --> 00:28:22,994
- Can't you smell it?
- Yep.
534
00:28:23,161 --> 00:28:28,458
That'd be my freesia hair de-tangier
that you said smells amazing yesterday.
535
00:28:28,625 --> 00:28:31,252
- Wish I hadn't.
- Wish I hadn't told you capris made...
536
00:28:31,419 --> 00:28:32,962
- ...you look taller.
- Liar.
537
00:28:33,129 --> 00:28:36,007
No, I'm a truth-ar because
I came clean unprompted.
538
00:28:36,174 --> 00:28:38,676
You only admitted to lying
because you got caught.
539
00:28:38,927 --> 00:28:41,804
Here comes the center of the universe,
pulling us into her...
540
00:28:41,971 --> 00:28:43,765
...gravitational orbit of blame.
541
00:28:43,932 --> 00:28:47,143
Oh, well, FYI, there is no
center of the universe...
542
00:28:47,310 --> 00:28:50,188
...because our universe
is forever expanding.
543
00:28:50,396 --> 00:28:51,981
Like your neediness.
544
00:28:52,148 --> 00:28:53,691
Wah. "Respect my feelings."
545
00:28:53,900 --> 00:28:56,945
Wah. "Don't fence me in."
Wah. "Don't treat me like I'm dead."
546
00:28:57,111 --> 00:29:00,156
Well, if you're so dead,
how can you be so needy?
547
00:29:00,323 --> 00:29:02,200
Oh, right. You're selfish.
548
00:29:02,408 --> 00:29:03,826
I am selfish?
549
00:29:03,993 --> 00:29:06,663
I've just shared with you
every single thing that I own.
550
00:29:06,829 --> 00:29:08,665
Big whoop.
Secondhand stuff.
551
00:29:08,915 --> 00:29:12,001
That's what you're angry about.
The one thing I won't share. Ned.
552
00:29:12,168 --> 00:29:15,129
I can't believe you said that.
Don't shrug at me in the dark.
553
00:29:15,296 --> 00:29:16,923
That was a low blow.
554
00:29:17,131 --> 00:29:19,717
What do you expect me to do?
I'm in a no-win situation.
555
00:29:19,926 --> 00:29:22,720
I can't talk to you about it
because that'd be insensitive.
556
00:29:22,929 --> 00:29:25,640
I can't talk to Ned because
he's done nothing wrong.
557
00:29:25,807 --> 00:29:29,852
I mean, if I were to have a nickel for
every time the three of us are together...
558
00:29:30,019 --> 00:29:33,189
...and unexpectedly, accidentally,
I catch you looking at him...
559
00:29:33,356 --> 00:29:36,150
Stop talking, stop talking.
Help. Help us. Anyone, help.
560
00:29:36,359 --> 00:29:40,196
And you have this little sad,
pining look on your face of:
561
00:29:40,363 --> 00:29:42,198
"Oh, Ned, why can't you love me?"
562
00:29:42,365 --> 00:29:45,868
Then I feel like a complete jerk for
being in love with my own boyfriend.
563
00:29:46,035 --> 00:29:48,204
A boyfriend you don't touch.
564
00:29:48,371 --> 00:29:50,248
I told you we can't.
565
00:29:50,456 --> 00:29:52,542
That doesn't make any sense.
566
00:29:54,252 --> 00:29:57,588
I'm going home. To my home.
567
00:29:57,755 --> 00:29:59,590
- What happened?
- Roommate squabble.
568
00:29:59,757 --> 00:30:02,844
Brought on by the suspicious actions
of Barb, a.k.a. Downy...
569
00:30:03,011 --> 00:30:05,888
- ...who is a person of interest.
- Got a name and address?
570
00:30:06,055 --> 00:30:09,892
No, but I know where I can get one.
Buddy's office.
571
00:30:10,476 --> 00:30:12,270
Oh, no, Barb.
572
00:30:17,191 --> 00:30:21,070
Oh, Kitty. You got out of the locker.
Sorry. Thought you were gonna tell.
573
00:30:21,237 --> 00:30:22,405
For what, killing Joe?
574
00:30:22,572 --> 00:30:25,116
No, for dating him.
See, I didn't wanna get fired.
575
00:30:25,283 --> 00:30:27,076
This job's the only pla...
576
00:30:28,536 --> 00:30:30,538
Her lungs are crushed.
Who knows CPR?
577
00:30:31,205 --> 00:30:32,373
I do.
578
00:30:35,209 --> 00:30:36,252
Oh, good idea.
579
00:30:36,419 --> 00:30:38,504
Okay, breathe, breathe, breathe.
580
00:30:41,132 --> 00:30:43,551
The only place
my encyclopedic knowledge...
581
00:30:43,718 --> 00:30:46,429
...of hair braiding meant something.
I couldn't hurt Joe.
582
00:30:46,596 --> 00:30:50,058
When he was around, I could be myself.
Now I'll never know if it was...
583
00:30:50,224 --> 00:30:53,728
...just our mutual passion for crosswords
or if he felt the same way.
584
00:30:53,895 --> 00:30:56,898
You were his one. He was about
to leave the company for you.
585
00:30:57,065 --> 00:30:59,317
He said he had something
important to tell me.
586
00:30:59,525 --> 00:31:02,820
The night he died, I waited for his call,
but he never made it back...
587
00:31:03,029 --> 00:31:05,907
- ...from his Frescorting gig.
- Joe didn't work that night.
588
00:31:06,115 --> 00:31:07,950
He was moonlighting. Sports date.
589
00:31:08,159 --> 00:31:11,162
- Who with?
- Joe never said. The guy sounded tragic.
590
00:31:11,412 --> 00:31:15,666
Two years of playing ball, he was still
a spazz. Some clients lack the jock gene.
591
00:31:15,833 --> 00:31:17,543
Buddy calls them bleacher leechers.
592
00:31:17,752 --> 00:31:19,921
Skip to where you become
the main squeeze.
593
00:31:20,129 --> 00:31:22,298
I was having a meltdown.
Came in for a hug.
594
00:31:22,465 --> 00:31:24,133
Pretended those arms were Joe's.
595
00:31:24,300 --> 00:31:27,303
That's when the dial got turned to 11
by the Spartan.
596
00:31:27,553 --> 00:31:29,639
I tried to fight.
Got this from his helmet.
597
00:31:29,806 --> 00:31:30,932
You did good, Barb.
598
00:31:33,267 --> 00:31:36,187
There's no Spartan running
around killing the popular kids.
599
00:31:36,354 --> 00:31:39,357
- This ain't Thermopylae High.
- Right. It's Spartanburg West.
600
00:31:39,565 --> 00:31:41,651
- And Buddy's team mascot.
- Great.
601
00:31:41,818 --> 00:31:45,446
- How we gonna find out who that was?
- I'm having unfortunate hunches.
602
00:31:45,613 --> 00:31:48,950
Randy was an uncoordinated
bleacher leecher.
603
00:31:49,117 --> 00:31:51,369
He told me the kids at school
teased him for it.
604
00:31:51,619 --> 00:31:54,038
Maybe one of those kids
was varsity quarterback...
605
00:31:54,205 --> 00:31:57,375
...and self-proclaimed
dork menacer Buddy Amicus.
606
00:31:57,625 --> 00:31:59,085
What are you doing here?
607
00:31:59,293 --> 00:32:01,295
We're closer
to finding Joe's killer.
608
00:32:01,504 --> 00:32:02,839
- With Kitty?
- Yeah.
609
00:32:03,089 --> 00:32:04,882
- What's wrong with Barb?
- She's dead.
610
00:32:05,133 --> 00:32:08,177
- Thanks to your happy hug machine.
- Not Barb.
611
00:32:08,344 --> 00:32:11,472
Sweet, adorable, conciliatory Barb?
612
00:32:11,681 --> 00:32:13,599
Who could do something so horrible?
613
00:32:13,808 --> 00:32:15,893
Does the name Randy Mann
ring a bell?
614
00:32:16,394 --> 00:32:18,855
- Should it?
- We think he's your old school mascot.
615
00:32:19,021 --> 00:32:22,233
The Spartan you tangled with back in
the day, he's back and pissed.
616
00:32:22,483 --> 00:32:24,694
Do you happen to have
a high-school yearbook?
617
00:32:25,987 --> 00:32:28,030
- Thank you.
- I have to evacuate the building.
618
00:32:28,239 --> 00:32:30,992
Call the police,
tell them there's a vindictive person...
619
00:32:31,159 --> 00:32:32,910
...with low self-esteem on the loose.
620
00:32:33,161 --> 00:32:36,247
There's no Randy Mann listed.
Maybe he's using an alias?
621
00:32:36,497 --> 00:32:38,207
- The phone's dead.
- Ow! Help.
622
00:32:38,416 --> 00:32:40,710
He got Buddy. Let's move.
623
00:32:41,043 --> 00:32:43,254
Ugh! Watch out.
624
00:32:48,009 --> 00:32:49,051
- That was close.
- Yeah.
625
00:32:49,218 --> 00:32:52,388
Last thing we need
is another dead body on our hands.
626
00:32:55,016 --> 00:32:56,225
Too late for that.
627
00:33:01,230 --> 00:33:05,359
Well, hello. This is a surprise.
For you too, I'm sure.
628
00:33:05,568 --> 00:33:07,487
We're having trouble
getting a good look.
629
00:33:07,653 --> 00:33:11,115
There's a mannequin face over yours.
Maybe if you took off your helmet.
630
00:33:12,283 --> 00:33:14,202
- Oh!
- Oh! Helmet on. Helmet on.
631
00:33:14,410 --> 00:33:17,747
Sorry about that. We weren't expecting
such a leathery, mummy-like...
632
00:33:17,955 --> 00:33:21,083
Can you speak? We would really like
to know who you are.
633
00:33:22,460 --> 00:33:24,587
You the Spartanburg West
quarterback.
634
00:33:24,754 --> 00:33:28,466
Can you show us?
Ares Kostopolous.
635
00:33:28,674 --> 00:33:31,344
- Wow, you were a hottie.
- But Buddy was the quarterback.
636
00:33:32,845 --> 00:33:34,847
Buddy...
Buddy was the Spartan mascot.
637
00:33:36,641 --> 00:33:38,601
- Oh!
- Buddy killed you too.
638
00:33:40,520 --> 00:33:44,273
So the Buddy Amicus legend of being
a high-school golden boy is a lie.
639
00:33:44,440 --> 00:33:47,818
And a total horror show. What kind of
person holds on to a dead body?
640
00:33:47,985 --> 00:33:50,154
The kind that wants
to preserve a friendship.
641
00:33:52,031 --> 00:33:53,908
The facts were these.
642
00:33:55,618 --> 00:33:59,830
As a teen, Buddy Amicus
was unknown and invisible.
643
00:34:00,039 --> 00:34:05,002
As varsity quarterback,
Ares Kostopolous was admired by all.
644
00:34:07,004 --> 00:34:08,756
In his fragile and obsessed mind...
645
00:34:08,923 --> 00:34:12,385
...Buddy was best friends
with the big man on campus.
646
00:34:12,635 --> 00:34:15,137
And he had to get closer,
no matter what.
647
00:34:15,346 --> 00:34:18,182
Spartans!
648
00:34:18,391 --> 00:34:23,145
The nameless, faceless mascot
strove to make his pigskin god proud.
649
00:34:23,354 --> 00:34:26,399
But no one noticed him
until the state championships...
650
00:34:26,566 --> 00:34:28,859
...when everyone did.
651
00:34:29,026 --> 00:34:31,487
Spartans. Spartans.
652
00:34:33,155 --> 00:34:35,283
Spartans.
653
00:34:39,245 --> 00:34:43,666
The Spartan felt the agony of defeat
but there was more agony to come.
654
00:34:44,917 --> 00:34:46,586
- Total loser, man.
- Hey.
655
00:34:46,752 --> 00:34:49,672
Ow. Guys. Guys.
656
00:34:55,761 --> 00:34:59,849
Buddy thought Ares, his hero,
would save him.
657
00:35:00,182 --> 00:35:04,145
The realization that their friendship
was a lie was so painful...
658
00:35:04,312 --> 00:35:07,023
...it drove Buddy mad...
659
00:35:07,857 --> 00:35:10,192
...and murderous.
660
00:35:13,738 --> 00:35:16,949
Years of dermatology,
orthodontics and steroid abuse...
661
00:35:17,116 --> 00:35:21,203
...transformed Buddy Amicus
into the man he'd always wanted to be.
662
00:35:21,370 --> 00:35:23,831
He founded My Best Friend, lnc...
663
00:35:24,040 --> 00:35:26,208
...and found among his Frescorts...
664
00:35:26,417 --> 00:35:30,880
...Joe, who triggered in him a new,
albeit familiar obsession.
665
00:35:31,088 --> 00:35:33,382
This time, Buddy knew
things would be different.
666
00:35:33,549 --> 00:35:38,262
Now he was the big man on campus,
able to befriend anyone he chose.
667
00:35:38,471 --> 00:35:41,849
Until the day Joe brought it all
to an end.
668
00:35:42,600 --> 00:35:46,020
He was quitting
to be with fellow Frescort Barb.
669
00:35:46,228 --> 00:35:48,564
Which meant he was also
quitting Buddy...
670
00:35:48,773 --> 00:35:51,150
...no matter how much
the delusional man...
671
00:35:51,359 --> 00:35:53,527
...offered to pay him to stay.
672
00:35:53,736 --> 00:35:57,406
The realization that another friendship
had been another lie...
673
00:35:57,573 --> 00:36:01,452
...drove Buddy mad and murderous
yet again.
674
00:36:01,869 --> 00:36:07,833
And so he convinced Joe to meet him
for one last game.
675
00:36:09,293 --> 00:36:13,547
- Why'd you heave-ho the body?
- I tried to preserve him like Ares.
676
00:36:13,756 --> 00:36:16,300
Sadly, the formaldehyde
triggered my asthma.
677
00:36:16,467 --> 00:36:20,304
And Barb. She took Joe.
So you took her life.
678
00:36:20,513 --> 00:36:24,892
Wanna know the most senseless thing?
I started this company to help people.
679
00:36:25,059 --> 00:36:27,186
So the friendless
wouldn't suffer as I did.
680
00:36:27,395 --> 00:36:30,272
They suffer. I've seen it.
First, the bogus friendships...
681
00:36:30,439 --> 00:36:34,276
...you sell seem good, but deep down,
clients never stop feeling like weirdos.
682
00:36:34,443 --> 00:36:37,780
So they keep paying. Hoping that
someday those feelings will go away.
683
00:36:37,947 --> 00:36:40,074
But those feelings never go away.
684
00:36:42,326 --> 00:36:44,912
I'm killing you first.
Say goodbye.
685
00:36:45,121 --> 00:36:46,664
Goodbye, friend.
686
00:36:48,207 --> 00:36:51,669
With the Frescort killer
behind bars, the Pie-Maker was free...
687
00:36:51,836 --> 00:36:54,296
...to revisit a former Frescort client.
688
00:36:54,463 --> 00:36:58,008
Your meat pies.
I can't eat them, so...
689
00:36:58,217 --> 00:37:00,386
This is Digby, by the way.
690
00:37:00,553 --> 00:37:01,804
Digby, say hi to Randy.
691
00:37:03,389 --> 00:37:04,640
Aren't you a nice boy?
692
00:37:05,516 --> 00:37:07,643
- So unlike your owner.
- I deserve that.
693
00:37:07,852 --> 00:37:10,855
- Like you deserve an apology.
- Apology accepted. Goodbye.
694
00:37:11,063 --> 00:37:12,231
Wait.
695
00:37:12,398 --> 00:37:14,817
You don't have to pay for it.
Friendship.
696
00:37:14,984 --> 00:37:19,905
The truth is, there are a lot of people
like you. Us. With strange hobbies...
697
00:37:20,072 --> 00:37:22,241
...or talents, or gifts
that we try to hide...
698
00:37:22,408 --> 00:37:26,328
...because we're afraid it makes
us seem weird, or turns people off.
699
00:37:26,495 --> 00:37:27,705
But that's a mistake.
700
00:37:28,831 --> 00:37:33,753
What makes me unique has brought
every person I love into my life.
701
00:37:34,211 --> 00:37:35,713
And it can be the same for you.
702
00:37:36,213 --> 00:37:38,841
Well, there's nothing wrong
with being alone, you know.
703
00:37:39,008 --> 00:37:41,844
Joe taught me that.
Called it the first step.
704
00:37:42,011 --> 00:37:45,347
No good to somebody else unless
you're good with being with just you.
705
00:37:49,351 --> 00:37:52,772
Advice an alone Pie-Maker
could use as well.
706
00:37:53,856 --> 00:37:57,234
The Pie-Maker obtained
Buddy Amicus' client list...
707
00:37:57,443 --> 00:38:01,989
...and invited those listed to bring their
true selves to a low-key mixer.
708
00:38:02,156 --> 00:38:07,495
And while the intention was good,
the evening was an unmitigated disaster.
709
00:38:07,661 --> 00:38:13,042
Until the second hour, when everyone
started to come out of their shells.
710
00:38:14,043 --> 00:38:16,670
In 10 minutes,
I was gonna pull out the tequila shots.
711
00:38:16,879 --> 00:38:20,090
If that didn't work,
pull the fire alarm and call it a day.
712
00:38:21,383 --> 00:38:22,885
Can you give Digby another hug?
713
00:38:23,093 --> 00:38:24,470
Oh, yeah. Of course I will.
714
00:38:25,012 --> 00:38:27,014
You want a hug?
715
00:38:27,598 --> 00:38:30,518
Tighter. Give his belly a rub.
716
00:38:30,726 --> 00:38:33,354
You know, if you want,
I can hug him all night long...
717
00:38:33,521 --> 00:38:36,440
...when I sleep over
at your place. Permanently.
718
00:38:37,274 --> 00:38:39,735
Did I forget to tell you
that I'm moving back in?
719
00:38:39,902 --> 00:38:43,364
That squabble with you and Olive
is clearly more than a squabble.
720
00:38:43,531 --> 00:38:45,991
Yeah, we let loose with everything
we were feeling...
721
00:38:46,158 --> 00:38:48,786
...and flogged our friendship to death
with a truth club.
722
00:38:48,953 --> 00:38:53,499
Does that mean when it comes to us,
I should keep my truths to myself?
723
00:38:53,707 --> 00:38:57,503
No, of course not. Hang on. Am I
setting myself up for something here?
724
00:38:57,711 --> 00:39:02,091
I was setting myself up to tell you that
since you moved, I feel like I never see you.
725
00:39:02,258 --> 00:39:05,052
And please don't take that
any other way than...
726
00:39:05,219 --> 00:39:06,262
...I miss you.
727
00:39:07,638 --> 00:39:09,807
That's really sweet.
I miss you too.
728
00:39:09,974 --> 00:39:11,976
All the more reason for me
moving back in.
729
00:39:12,768 --> 00:39:14,937
Sorry. You can't.
730
00:39:15,104 --> 00:39:19,191
But you promised me comforting. You're my
king-size duvet of goose-down goodness.
731
00:39:19,358 --> 00:39:22,403
I know. Selfishly, I want
to duvet you right this second.
732
00:39:22,570 --> 00:39:24,446
But I've gotta work on
being okay alone.
733
00:39:24,613 --> 00:39:27,449
And you've gotta work on
your friendship with Olive.
734
00:39:27,658 --> 00:39:30,828
We might not like it,
but it's the truth.
735
00:39:34,957 --> 00:39:36,292
Well, I'm gonna need a pie.
736
00:39:37,710 --> 00:39:40,212
Oh, I'm a sucker for shoofly.
737
00:39:40,462 --> 00:39:43,966
What do you think?
We gonna be able to fix this?
738
00:39:44,216 --> 00:39:45,551
We should assess.
739
00:39:45,718 --> 00:39:49,096
I'm working on the
having-feelings-for-your-boyfriend thing.
740
00:39:49,471 --> 00:39:53,809
I just wish there was a switch I could
turn to "off," but there just isn't.
741
00:39:53,976 --> 00:39:57,938
I know. While you do that, I'm gonna
work on the center-of-the-universe thing.
742
00:39:58,105 --> 00:40:03,110
In fact, I'm ready to ditch that role for
a new one: selflessly centered roommate.
743
00:40:03,277 --> 00:40:04,612
You're staying?
744
00:40:04,778 --> 00:40:07,448
Was that a good or incredulous
question mark at the end?
745
00:40:07,615 --> 00:40:12,536
Very good. Besides,
the heavy lifting is behind us.
746
00:40:12,703 --> 00:40:16,123
- We've laid that cornerstone of truth.
- Pounded that sucker into place.
747
00:40:16,290 --> 00:40:19,209
Besides, it'd be such a waste of time
and effort if you left.
748
00:40:19,376 --> 00:40:20,669
Agreed.
749
00:40:22,588 --> 00:40:26,508
As Chuck and Olive
celebrated their reunion...
750
00:40:27,009 --> 00:40:30,012
...Emerson Cod
had a reunion of his own.
751
00:40:30,179 --> 00:40:32,348
Well, finally.
752
00:40:32,640 --> 00:40:34,850
A decent stogy.
753
00:40:36,018 --> 00:40:37,937
I needed some comfort tobacco.
754
00:40:38,145 --> 00:40:42,024
Yeah, I was just about to ring you up,
tell you how much I regretted our words.
755
00:40:42,191 --> 00:40:46,528
Was about to get on a plane. That regret
had me turn around, running back here.
756
00:40:48,280 --> 00:40:50,866
You were right.
Our relationship is done.
757
00:40:51,867 --> 00:40:54,787
Meaning how our relationship was.
758
00:40:54,954 --> 00:40:57,331
Being best friends.
759
00:40:57,539 --> 00:41:01,251
I'm your mama, Emmy,
and I gotta start acting like it.
760
00:41:01,418 --> 00:41:07,341
That means I can't expect you
to be as strong as me or as grown up.
761
00:41:07,549 --> 00:41:13,347
Gotta feel you can be vulnerable.
Make mistakes and still tell me about it.
762
00:41:13,597 --> 00:41:15,975
- Deal?
- Yeah.
763
00:41:17,142 --> 00:41:19,436
- Do I get an allowance?
- No.
764
00:41:19,603 --> 00:41:23,899
But you do get notes on this from me.
765
00:41:24,942 --> 00:41:28,862
The publisher's right.
The book is stupid.
766
00:41:29,279 --> 00:41:32,783
Book ain't stupid. Story is.
767
00:41:32,992 --> 00:41:36,704
This is about your childhood
with your crazy mother.
768
00:41:36,870 --> 00:41:40,165
You tell that to a kid at bedtime,
he'll piss the box springs.
769
00:41:40,332 --> 00:41:42,876
You gotta write about the grown-up
Emerson Cod.
770
00:41:43,085 --> 00:41:44,503
How great he'd be as a daddy.
771
00:41:44,712 --> 00:41:49,091
Do that, your little girl'II come
running back in no time.
772
00:41:52,177 --> 00:41:54,096
Later, Lil' Gum Shoe.
773
00:41:54,263 --> 00:41:57,641
As Emerson Cod enjoyed
a sense of familial peace...
774
00:41:57,808 --> 00:42:00,728
...the Pie-Maker had
a peace of a different sort.
775
00:42:00,894 --> 00:42:04,606
The quiet, solitary, bachelor kind.
Until...
776
00:42:08,944 --> 00:42:11,030
Oh, no. Disaster with Olive?
777
00:42:11,238 --> 00:42:12,865
It went really well.
778
00:42:13,032 --> 00:42:16,744
So well, in fact, I wanted to wrap you
in goose-down goodness as a thank-you.
779
00:42:16,910 --> 00:42:19,955
But you know,
my duvet was metaphorical.
780
00:42:20,164 --> 00:42:22,374
Yeah? Well, so was mine.
781
00:42:26,712 --> 00:42:27,838
I've really missed you.
65919
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