All language subtitles for Dream On (1990) S05E12.en

Come on.

Who took my pants?

Do you follow this Christ?

Judith, what's all this about?
I mean, how did this happen?

Martin, you're getting
upset about nothing.

- Damn it.
- Jude, Jude, I am not upset.

I'm just not comfortable
with my son being...

- Christian.
- ...unaware
of his religious options.

It's just a Bible study class.

I mean,
it's more social than anything.

Judith, I do not want my son

studying the Bible
in a group with other kids.

Oh, yes, it's every parent's
worst nightmare.

Well, it's not normal.

You know, it's like
something they do in the South.

Look, we always said
that when Jeremy was ready,

he would choose
his own religion.

And now he has,
and I think that we should
just respect his choice.

Well, it's easy
for you to say, right?

He chose your religion.

And since when have you
ever cared about religion?

- Ever since...
- This morning!

...I was a little kid
in my own private way.

Mm-hmm.

You suck! Suck, suck, suck.

I hate to interrupt you here,
but I'm talking about our son.

Oh, Martin,
will you stop obsessing?

This is Jeremy.

It's probably
just a passing phase.

Judith, this--

Watch.

Sand. Snake.

Yes.

Headway!

I can't stand it.

Jesus Christ, Jeremy,
could you turn our music down?

I can barely hear myself think.

Dad, can you not embarrass me
in front of my friends?

Embarrass you?
What are you talking about?

You took the name
of the Lord in vain.

They're kind of
sensitive about that.

I didn't take it in vain.
I just used it in conversation.

- Dad.
- Jeremy,
we're going to take off now.

Yeah.

We could pick it up
on Thursday with the part

where Jesus drives the money
changers from the temple.

The true God will spite you
from the face of the Earth!

- God bless you, Mr. Tupper.
- Uh-huh.

- God bless you, Mr. Tupper.
- Great.

Thanks. Bye.

Jeremy, how did you
get mixed up in all this?

- Was it peer pressure?
- No, Dad.

Well, is something wrong?
Are you having
problems at school?

Oh, man.

Jeremy,
whatever's bothering you,

the Bible is no answer.

- Believe me.
- Dad, I'm just experimenting.

It's not like
I'm into the hard stuff,

like the Moonies
or the Catholics.

Don't kid yourself.
It starts with singing songs.

Before you know
you're on the 700 Club,

and you're asking for money
and you're speaking in tongues.

- I'm pretty sure
it's not going to happen.
- Jeremy. Jeremy.

The point is,
before you become...

I'm going to take up
a collection to fight the devil,

and I want you all to show me
how much you hate sin.

...Christian or-- or Protestant
or-- or whatever.

You have to educate yourself,

you know, so you can make
an informed choice.

For example,
have you considered Judaism?

- I thought about it.
- And?

It's interesting,

but it seems
a little inconsistent to me.

Well, what do you mean?

Well, like,

how come if you're Jewish,
you're not supposed
to get a tattoo

because it's changing
God's work,
but grandma got a facelift?

Uh, well,
that's-- that's because...

Because the wind
turned against her.

Because you'll start vibrate.

- Because of a potato.
- Because of tradition.

Or-- or what about this one?

How come Mr. Gerwich in 504

can ride the elevator
on the Sabbath,

but he's not allowed
to push the button?

I mean, these are very,
very good questions.

And?

And they deserve very,
very good answers.

So we can always use a guy
that knows all the answers.

See, Jeremy,
Orthodox Jews believe

that pushing the button is work,

which is forbidden
on the Sabbath.

But riding the elevator isn't.

I understand, Rabbi,

but I still think
it's kind of a stretch.

Uh, Jeremy, the Orthodox
are a fringe group,

you know,
sort of like our Amish,
but there's tons of good stuff.

Rabbi, tell him about
that really fun holiday,

you know, with the prune danish,
and the pointy hats, the--

birthday.

- Purim?
- Purim. Right, right.

- Tell him about Purim.
- In a minute, Mr. Tupper.

Another thing
to consider, Jeremy,

is that since your mother
is not Jewish,

you would have
to convert to Judaism,

which is
a very rigorous process.

Rabbi, could I see you
for a minute?

Excuse us.

See, I'm confused
about something.

Rabbi, what are you doing?
Work with me.

Well, you are losing him?

Mr. Tupper,
I'm here to provide information

so that Jeremy can choose.

Judaism is not
a proselytizing faith.

Well, maybe it should be.

I mean, let's be honest,
we're getting
our butts kicked out there.

You know, we're like the
Cleveland Indians of religion.

Mr. Tupper, if you're so intent
on Jeremy becoming a Jew,

you might start
by setting an example.

For instance, when was the last
time you went to temple?

Well, that--
that would have been...

When I was a little girl
in the old country.

...fairly recently.

And what are you planning
to do for Passover?

Well, as usual, I'll be...

...having a Seder.

Jeremy,
keep Passover open, okay?

We're having a Seder
at my house.

The whole family,
you know, it'll be great.

Oh, okay.

Thank you.

Uh, can I borrow this book?

Come on, champ,
I'll buy your own copy

at the temple gift shop.

You know, churches don't have
gift shops, don't they?

Toby, do me a favor, will you?

Call Chaim Brothers,

find out what they charge
for a Seder plate, okay?

Chaim? What do I look under?
"Ha?"

Just give me the book. Ow.

I went to a Seder once.
The pastries were good.

But they should give
those babies some more wine
before they snip them.

That kid
was howling like a banshee.

Martin, you have really
crossed the line this time.

Something wrong, Judith?
You seem upset.

Shalom.

Don't you be coy with me.

I know what you're doing.

Taking my son to a rabbi,
having a Seder.

Judith, stop obsessing.

He's just exploring his options.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.

He was quite comfortable
with his decision

until you started shoving
your option down his throat.

No, no, no, no, no, no.
You were quite comfortable
with his decision.

Now look at you.
Look at you now.

You are actually squirming.

I am not squirming.
I do not squirm.

Look, I don't want things
to get ugly between us.

Neither do I, which is why
I think you should...

Throw in the towel.

...come to my Seder on Sunday.

We'll be one big happy family.

Oh, well, I would love to,

but I'm having
Easter dinner on Sunday.

Jeremy's invited and we
would love for you to come.

Okay, Judith, that's the way
you wanna play it,
then I guess...

This means war.

...Jeremy will just
have to choose.

I guess he will.

And in the meantime,
I have just two words for you.

- Get lost.
- Happy holidays.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, man.
You got to chop those.

They're chopped.
Look, it says so
right on the back, come on.

To make a decent charoses,
you got to chop them, fine.

Just short of minced.

You could hardly be Jewish.

What do you know
about making charoses?

Morey Amsterdam was on our show
with his mom's recipe.

And by the way,
I hope you're using sweet wine.

Holy shit!

Get back. Get back.

Like Morey said,
make them any bigger than this,

they swell
up like Rosemary's butt.

Mother and daddy will be here

and Uncle Ted,
if he's back from Bermuda.

No, no, Meemaw's leg's
all swollen up,

so so she's going to have
to stay at Four Oaks.

We're all gonna call her, though.

Uh-huh.

It's going to be great.

Yeah, yeah,
Sadie will be there, and Shmool.

Well, fine, you don't
have to sit next to Shmool.

No. No.

Oh, no,
there'll be plenty of parking.

No, it's Sunday.

You don't have to put
any money in the meters.

Yeah. Yeah, the--

Something missing here.

Fuck!

Uh, nothing, nothing.
I stub my toe, and it--

Okay, now.

Watch Mommy.

Careful.

There.

Now let's see yours.

No, no, no, no, no.
You don't have to bring a thing.

Oh, no,
I'm doing everything myself.

No, no, I insist.

No, no.

Look, it's my Seder and--
and I'm doing all the cooking.

You cannot lie to God.

End of discussion.

Jeremy, I don't mean
to pressure you,

but are you coming
to Easter dinner tomorrow?
I need to know.

Well, Dad sort of invited me
to his Seder first.

That's right.

So what are you saying?

Maybe you'd like me
to swim ashore and come back
with a matzah ball.

I think it's perfectly clear
what he's saying.

- He's coming to my Seder.
- Well--

No, Jeremy, I understand.

If you'd rather be
with your father
than be with me.

- I didn't say that.
- Look, you have another son.

Do whatever you want with him.

Dress him up like
a goddamn bunny if you want,

but this one eats with me.

Come on. This isn't fair.

I'm not going
to choose between you.

So why don't we have one dinner,

both families,
no religion, just...

dinner?

I think that's a terrific idea.
That's what Jeremy wants.

You might as well give up
because you'll never get it.

Jeremy.

Jeremy, that's very diplomatic,
like King Solomon.

A Jew, by the way.

Anyway, Jude, why don't you and
your...

...clan come over
around five, okay?

Now why should we do it here

when my apartment
has so much more room?

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Call it in the air.

- Tails.
- Heads!

God, show your face
in this room.

Well, we summer in Southampton
and winter on the Gold Coast.

How about you?

Well, we summer on the terrace

and we winter in the rec room.

Colonel, I see
where Judith gets her looks.

You are so regal.

Put you in a sweater,

I couldn't tell you
from Andy Williams.

Roll that drunk off the floor.

Okay, everyone.

Mother, dad, shall we make
our way into the dining room?

Please.

- Excuse me. Thank you.
- Yeah.

Good idea.
We better eat
before your Uncle Ted

drinks all the sterno
from the chafing dishes.

Come on, sport.
Sit over here next to me.

No, no, no, Jeremy,
you're over here next to me.

You see your name
on the little bunny place card?

Well, why don't I just sit here?

Excuse me.

Now, why don't you
sit over there?

I'm so sorry, Martin.

I-- I didn't hear
the music stop.

No problem.

Who do you have to blow
to get a refill around here.

Hello.

Would you take
my wrap, dear, please?

Sadie!

Hi, everybody.

I'm sorry I'm late.
I had to take the train.

Apparently a block and a half
is too far out of Shmool's way.

I pick her up,

I got to take the tunnel,
I'm out here till Tuesday.

The good news is I brought
my homemade gefilte fish.

Gefilte fish.

I thought we agreed.
No religious food.

What are you talking about?

This is fish.
It has no religion.

No, it's--

Goodness gracious, Sadie.
That's my West Point ring.

Sadie, please.

I have an entire menu planned.

For God's sake, Judith.

The woman carried fish
on a train.

At least let her serve it.
It's okay.

Can we not argue?

It's no big deal.

Whoever wants the fish
can have it.

Jeremy, you might wanna
eat that with a little bit
of horseradish.

Which, if this were a Seder,
would symbolize the bitterness

of the Jews enslavement
at the hands of the Egyptians.

But since it's not a Seder,
it's just a condiment.

Martin, may I see you
for a moment in the kitchen?

Go ahead.

Oh, sweet mother of God,
did I do that?

You told her to bring
that Gefilte fish, didn't you?

I sure did... ma'am.

How can you accuse me of that?
Aren't you being
a little paranoid?

Look, we agreed this would
be a non-religious dinner.

And you've done everything
but booked the road company,
of Fiddler On The Roof.

And I won't have it.

Oh, I get it.
A kosher restaurant, huh?

Ham?
You're serving ham to my family?

What? It's just meat.

It doesn't have a religion.

Besides, you love ham.
We served it at our wedding.

- Our wedding wasn't on Passover,
and I'm telling you, Jude--
- Excuse me.

The only way that ham
is getting out of this room

is if Jesus himself
marches in here and serves it.

And don't think he couldn't.

And while he was here,

maybe he could turn
that grape swill

your cousin brought into wine.

Too late.
Your Uncle Ted sucked it down

before we could
hang up our coats.

Look at that ham.
And the pineapple.

I feel like
I'm at a luau in Waikiki.

Judith, get that
goddamn pig off the table!

I don't like your tone, Martin.

Especially on
this holiest of days.

You're right, Colonel.
It is a holy day.

And it should be
treated with respect.

So before we carve
into porky here,

Jeremy, ask the four questions.

- Dad.
- What?

Listen to that, Martin.

A leader among men.

A regular Golda Meir.

Dad, I don't think
we should say prayers.

And neither do I.

Well, they're not prayers.

They're questions like,
"How are you?"
Or "What time is it?"

Or "What makes this night
different from
all other nights?"

No one is asking
any questions, period.

But Judith, if it means
so much to our Jewish friends,

we can compromise.

Let him ask two questions.

Excuse me?

You can't take
5,000 years of tradition

and just cut it in half.

You people
only use half the Bible.

Excuse me?

Can we all just calm down?
Enjoy the meal?

You know, Jesus himself
asked the four questions

very eloquently
at the Last Supper.

There wouldn't have been
a Last Supper
had it been for you.

Uncle Ted, please.

Shmool, ask the questions.

Okay. You want to sing?

We can sing, too. Daddy?

God damn it!
God damn it! God damn it!

Can I say one thing?

You are both fucked.

Well, he has his father's mouth.

You know, for 16 years,
neither of you were given
two shits about religion.

- That's not true!
- Oh, come off it.

I've never once seen
either of you go to services

or pray or do anything.

Do you even believe in God?

No, but I do know
something about music.

Well, I-- I don't
not believe in him.

And we've had a Christmas tree
every single year.

You're such hypocrites.
And if this is what
religion does to people,

then as of now, I'm not a Jew,

I'm not a Christian,
I am a nothing!

I'm going to the movies.

Pray to God
that he forgives us all.

Here's one
I bet everybody knows.

♪ She'll be coming 'round
The mountain when she comes ♪

♪ When she comes ♪

♪ She'll be coming
'Round the mountain ♪

♪ When she comes ♪

♪ She'll be coming
'Round the mountain ♪

Judith, where do you turn on
your garbage disposal?

I don't have a garbage disposal.

- Sorry.
- Oh, don't worry about it.

Well, I-- I think
we handled that well.

Jeremy's right, you know?
I am a total hypocrite.

I just-- I saw that crucifix.
I don't know what happened.

You know, I just-- I panicked.

Well, you know,
it's understandable.

I mean, I think that maybe
subconsciously you just--

you felt that when Jeremy
rejected your heritage

and-- and your belief system,

that he was
rejecting you as a parent.

Bullseye!

Maybe.

Well, that's what
I was feeling anyway.

And I should know better.

I mean, I wrote a postdoctoral
paper on the subject.

I don't blame Jeremy
for rejecting my religion.

I mean,
I-- I rejected my religion.

I don't even know why.

I guess it's just easier
not to think about it.

Exactly.

But you know, Jude, I--

I realized
it's much more important to me

than I thought it was.

Me too.

You know,
I-- I keep feeling like

I'm missing out on something.

And I'm thinking
of going to church next Sunday

and taking
little Richard with me.

And I think I'm going
to join that synagogue.

Start going
to Friday night services

and maybe even
light Sabbath candles.

Oh, God.

Oh, God.

Oh, God. Oh, fuck.

- Oh, God.
- Oh, God.

Oh, God.

May God give him eternal peace.

Amen.