Original subtitles

"Once upon a time, there was a big town.

It was built on an island,

and it had the tallest skyscrapers in all the world.

And there was one street called Broadway,

which sparkled with a million lights

and with [indistinct] laughter.

But deep down inside the city,

there were places not quite so polished,

not quite so luxurious, not quite so wonderful."

Oh, God.

I should get that, it might be important.

This is pretty important, too,

or at least it will be in a minute.

I-- Oh.

Productions, this is Abby.

No, it's not a bad time.

What?

Please, tell me you're kidding.

Ow.

Oh, no, no, it's not your fault.

Thanks.

Fuck me.

I'm trying, Abby. I'm really trying.

- Bad news? - The worst.

Harriet Shapiro pulled her womb.

- Just pulled it. - Oh, my God.

Is she gonna be all right?

Her womb, the play I was directing.

Oh.

She got a better offer from some festival in Trenton.

Shit.

We're supposed to open on Monday and I have no play.

What am I gonna do?

This is the one big break of my life.

I'll tell you what, why don't you take a look at this

and I'll-- I'll make us some dinner.

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury,

have you arrived at a verdict?

Who wrote this?

Oh, just some guy from somewhere.

It's terrific.

Me. Me, I did it.

- I-- I wrote it. It's mine. - What?

I had no idea you were a playwright.

I wrote it a long time ago.

Although, it did win a prize.

Well, honorable mention really.

But anyway, you were saying something

about it being terrific?

- It is. It's funny and touching. - Well...

Of course it's a little long in places.

Could use some polishing,

but it's certainly good enough to produce.

I just wish we had the money.

What money? Take it. It's free.

That helps.

But we need to pay for new sets and costumes.

I mean, your play has eight people at a ski resort.

Her womb had two guys in hefty bags playing zygotes.

No problem. How much do we need?

$10,000.

I know it's a lot of money,

but this play is very, very important to me.

I'd love to help,

but I'm afraid most of Richard's money

is tied up in a charitable trust.

It goes to the Heart Association and the Cancer Society.

What are they going to use it for?

To put on more commercials?

Okay, smoking is bad for your health.

- I mean, I get it. - Martin.

Doesn't he have a foundation for something important?

- You know, like playwriting? - Just one.

Theater Behind Bars.

But you'd have to commit a violent crime to be eligible.

$10,000?

Get it for you like that.

You can? What-- How?

Here's what you do.

You take out a big life insurance policy

naming me as your beneficiary.

Then we fake your death, boating accident, avalanche.

I collect the dough, give you half.

You assume a new identity.

So what do you say, Ian?

$10,000?

Oh, forget it.

Forget it. Forget it.

I shouldn't even have asked. I was just...

Done.

Who should I make the check out to?

It's a homerun.

Thank you.

Well, it's a terrific play, man.

And you're my best friend. Why shouldn't I?

One question.

I want to play the part of Dan.

That's not a question.

You're right. It's more like a condition.

I don't understand. Where's this coming from?

From right here, man.

I've always wanted to be an actor.

Ever since fifth grade

when I played Paul Revere in the school pageant.

The precious is coming.

Eddie, this isn't a joke.

This is very important to me.

Well, it's important to me, too.

Okay.

You may laugh, but every year I go see

Shakespeare in the Park by myself.

Not-- not because I can't get a date,

because I want to.

And-- and I watch Hamlet and-- and Romeo and Juliet.

And I think, "I could do that."

I'm Romeo.

That's good.

And even I think Abby's looking for someone

with a little more...

- Talent. - ...experience.

I have experience.

I act every day on my show.

I play a guy who's fascinated

by Bob Dole sculpting

into the shape of an elephant.

Ooh.

- I-- I don't know, Eddie. - Oh, come on, man.

This is a chance for us to pursue our dreams together.

You know, best friends, side by side.

Please.

Man, I don't want to be a-- a talk show host

for the rest of my life.

I can make it 11,000,

and we could get really cool programs.

Curtain, music, lights.

♪ It's great When you're doing a show ♪

♪ When the curtain goes up And you're ready to go ♪

Okay, Eddie.

You knock on the door, then you come in,

and you deliver your first line.

"Hi, I'm Dan."

Okay, okay, okay.

Um, you could go that way.

But why would Dan knock

when he could use the key that Linda gave him

when they were dating?

Who's Linda?

Eddie, there is no Linda.

Linda owns the house they're subletting.

You see, I prepared a 20-page biography

for my character.

In fact, I-- I did one for all the characters.

Look, I know he's your friend--

He's not just my friend.

He's my friend with the $11,000 check, okay?

So just give him a chance.

He'll be fine. Go ahead, go.

Um...

if you sense any hostility,

it's because your character's grandfather called

my character's grandfather "a darkie."

By the way, you're a latent homosexual.

Okay.

♪ With every show You learn a bit ♪

♪ Until they say That you're a hit ♪

What did you think?

That we just go back to the city

and-- and pretend that nothing ever happened?

I wasn't thinking. I was living.

You know, you should try that sometime.

Hold it.

Eddie, what are you doing with the cards?

Uh, giving myself some stage business.

You know, acting between the lines.

That's a good instinct, Eddie.

But since Jack and Lucy's relationship

is falling apart in front of your eyes,

I think that playing the cards

might undercut the dramatic tension.

- Just, uh... - Hmm.

Martin, uh...

Wow.

You see,

Dan has his own life, too.

He can't be doing nothing.

Okay, okay, okay. All right.

Why doesn't Dan try to remember where he put his car keys?

Good. Good. That's a good idea.

You know, because he is forgetful.

All right. Go with it. Go with it.

All right.

From the top.

It's good.

What did you think?

That we could just go back to the city

and-- and pretend that nothing ever happened?

I wasn't thinking. I was living.

You know, you should try that sometime.

What?

I locked them in the trunk.

♪ [indistinct] a little ♪

♪ And they a little ♪

♪ So you a little ♪

And my mother said to me,

"Those tarousers you're wearing,

those are your daddy's tarousers

that you're wearing."

And I lied.

"Come on, Ma.

You know I could never fill daddy's tarousers."

But she knew.

She knew.

Uh, Eddie, just hold it a minute, will you?

I-- I'm having a little problem with the trousers speech.

I know what you mean. I know what you mean.

I-- it's a little stilted.

But I think I can make it work.

The speech is fine.

You just keep saying tarousers.

Yeah, so?

Well, the word is trousers, not tarousers.

I don't hear the difference.

How could you not hear the difference?

One's trousers. The other is tarousers.

There's a whole other syllable.

Why don't you just change it to pants?

I don't want to change it to pants.

I want him to say trousers like a human being.

Martin, relax.

We open the day after tomorrow.

You're going to give yourself an ulcer.

It's a full house. [indistinct].

We're dead. We're totally dead.

- And it's all your fault. - What?

How could you let me talk you into using Eddie?

Don't you know half of what I say makes no sense?

In the future when I talk, just do this.

- Just do-- - Martin.

In my purse is a vial of Xanax.

If I haven't finished them all, help yourself.

Places, everybody. Good show.

You heard it.

- Hey. - Excuse me.

Listen, bud, before I get into character,

I just want to thank you again for this opportunity, man.

Doing this play has been the best experience of my life.

Well, Eddie, get out there and break...

- Every bone you have. - ...a leg.

What's my first line?

I know he's my friend,

but this play is very, very important to me.

Why can't I get a break?

Did you ever feel like the whole world is against you?

Once, when my house was bombed with napalm

and my village burned to the ground.

Right. Right.

Then-- then you know what I'm going through.

Shit.

Shh.

Where do you think he is?

Out there on the dock, throwing stones at the moon.

Oh.

Nothing like a hit show to put a man in the pink, you know.

- It was great. - Well, thank you.

Martin.

Martin, I am so proud of you.

Thanks, Jude.

And Eddie. Eddie was terrific.

I mean, for the first time ever,

he was actually like a real three-dimensional person.

You know, he should be Dan all the time, [indistinct].

Oh, thanks.

Martin, this is my, uh, friend, Horst.

Half man, half ape.

Hey. A nice play.

Lot of [indistinct].

Yeah, that's what I was going for.

Very nice discussing this with you and--

Thank you, thank you.

Hey, bud. What'd you think?

I--

I thought it was kind of a miracle.

They loved you. I knew they would.

Well, I had a great part and a great play.

If it weren't for you, there wouldn't be a play.

Man, this is just the first of many.

I mean, from now on, we're taking over Broadway.

They're going to be naming a sandwich after us

at the stage deli.

Yeah.

Martin, can I steal you for a minute?

There's someone who wants to meet you.

My public beckons.

What a night, huh?

Here he is, Martin Tupper,

the genius who wrote this work of genius.

Oh, my God.

Gregor Michael, I saw you in The Iceman Cometh.

- You-- you were amazing. - I was shit.

They should have taken that Tony and shoved it up their asses.

Well, I thought it was good.

Of course, I had obstructed view seats, but--

Martin, I see 15,000 hours of theater a year.

Theater is my heroine

and your play was one big fucking speedball.

I want to shoot your play in my veins.

I want your words in my mouth.

What do you mean exactly?

He wants to be in the play.

Oh, my God.

You're kidding.

- What part? - What part?

There is only one part in your play,

just as there is only one heart in the human body.

Dan, Martin, he wants to play Dan.

Oh.

Oh, that's...

that's very flattering, but Eddie's Dan.

No, Eddie is pretending to be Dan.

I am Dan. Dan is me. Go ahead. Call me Gregor.

Go ahead. Go ahead. Go ahead. Go ahead.

Gregor.

See, nothing. Now call me Dan.

- Dan? - How you doing?

He can start next Friday.

We'll get reviewed

and every paper will be in Broadway in a month.

Look, I know this is a great opportunity,

but Eddie put up all the money.

Here's a check.

You fill it out for whatever amount you want.

It's not my money.

It's Gregor's.

I don't think so.

Look, I mistook you for an artist.

I mistook you for a man

who wanted to change the face of American theater.

Good luck with your hobby.

Martin, I appreciate your loyalty to Eddie.

I really do.

But don't be a fucking moron.

Dan has to sink pretty low

his best friend.

Gregor? Gregor!

- Uh, Dan? - How you doing?

You got it.

♪ I think you've got a winner ♪

♪ Oh, it's [indistinct] ♪

♪ Yeah, well, You could take the compliments ♪

♪ I'd rather take the cash ♪

♪ It's great When you're not [indistinct] ♪

I was so on tonight.

And did you see Gregor Michael Dean

out there again taking notes?

The guy is going to school on me.

Come on in.

Eddie, there's, uh--

there's something I-- I think I should tell you.

You're fired.

There's a little problem with the play.

What? What's the matter?

You need more money? How much do you need?

- It's worth every penny. - No.

No, Eddie, the problem is...

- You're fired. - ...it's not big enough for you.

You know, you've outgrown it.

Really? In three days?

Well, that's what happens with great actors.

And I know you're gonna be getting a lot of offers,

so I-- I totally understand if you wanna just move on.

Hey, man, I wouldn't do that.

You gave me a break. You're my best friend.

Well, don't worry about me.

I mean, sometimes you have to put friendship aside, right?

I mean, this is a business.

You shared it to Sonny

and he became the mayor of Palm Springs.

So you go ahead, you have my blessings,

and I'll just have to find someone else to play Dan.

What are you talking about?

Why don't you do it and get it over with?

Well, I saw this coming,

so I opened negotiations with Gregor Michael Dean.

Negotiations?

He starts on Friday.

You asshole! You're firing me!

No! No, don't be ridiculous!

I'm setting you free, so go and-- and grow.

I took a month's leave of absence from my show

so I could devote all my time to your fucking play!

You did?

Well, that'll give you plenty of time for auditions.

Jesus Christ! Oh, man.

I gave you $11,000!

Uh, you know, that reminds me.

Gregor Michael Dean gave me a check for $12,000.

See, you made a profit just like that.

Fuck you!

You know, you're being very unprofessional about this.

Oh, my God, can you believe this?

Every critic in town is here.

- How's the house tonight? - over.

Would it be bad for him

if I offered to blow each and every one of them?

You take the newspapers, I'll take the magazines.

Break a leg!

Go, go, go, go, go, go, go.

Martin.

I want you to do my opening night ritual with me.

Sure! Sure. What is it?

I make my heart come to a complete stop.

Then, when the white light envelops me,

I start it again.

I feel born anew. Do it with me!

There's a reductor in the house!

- How was it? - Very refreshing.

Don't look at me like that.

Hello, I am Dan.

on Broadway.

Thanks for inviting me.

The best show I seen since

come to entertain the troop at the [indistinct].

Thank you. Thank you.

And everybody loved your Shrimp Toast.

Yeah. Thanks again.

What happened? What happened?

What did they say? Are-- are we going to Broadway?

Well, actually, they wanted to talk about a movie.

A movie?

That's unbelievable!

It's going to take a little rewriting.

Martin, slow down.

They want Gregor to play the part of Ishmael

in the remake of Moby Dick.

- He starts filming on Tuesday. - What?

Gregor.

Please, Martin,

call me Ishmael.

That dirty rat!

Fine. Fine. We'll just go back to Eddie.

He was better in the part anyway.

Well, actually, as part of the deal,

Gregor insisted that the entire cast

parts.

Actors are like wolves. They move in packs.

Loyalty is everything.

Come on!

We've got a whale to catch!

Yeah!

That's great.

That's just fucking great. What are we going to do now?

Well, here's the part you might not like so much,

but I'm going, too.

What?

Gregor has offered me a job

as his director of development.

How could you do that to me?

I'm sorry.

But it's a great opportunity for me.

I can't pass it up.

You're talented. Your time will come.

So why don't I give you a call when I get back?

Maybe we can work together again.

Well, that about rounds out

our special Home Sweet for today.

Our special thanks to the hardest working man

in arts and crafts, James Brown,

for that wonderful whittling demonstration.

Ow! Good God, y'all!

And a hearty grassy

as to [indistinct] secretary, Henry Cisneros,

for teaching us how to shoo a mule.

I'll be here next week

filling in for the vacationing Eddie Charles.

Oh, and I wish you could be here all the time.

She's fucking him. I know it.

What do you want?

Well, did you get my messages?

I called you like 50 times. I was starting to get worried.

Oh, I'm sorry. I was busy.

I was having a knife surgically removed from my back.

Thank you.

Look, Eddie, I-- I cleaned out the theater

and I-- I found some of your stuff

and I thought you might-- might want it.

What is that?

Well, it's a grocery list

and I think this is your comb, right?

It doesn't look like much, you know,

but put them together and it makes a little kazoo.

I-- I thought that a-- a little joke.

Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Look, I fucked you over.

I shouldn't have done it,

but you can't stay mad at me forever.

- Oh, don't bet on it. - This is so unfair.

You fuck me over all the time, and I always forgive you.

I do it to you once and you get all huffy.

No, no, no, no. This is different.

Why?

Because I expect more from you than I do from me.

What are you talking about?

No matter how much of a dick I was,

I could always count on you to be a good guy.

That's what made us friends. There was a balance.

You can't argue against that.

So I'm an occasional dick

and you're a dick all the time, okay.

So maybe being dicks is something

that can bring us closer together.

That is the lamest apology I've ever heard.

What do you expect? I mean, I'm a dick.

Yeah, well, fuck you, bud.

Fuck you, too.

You know, it's very, very touching.

Here you go.

You know,

you didn't screw me over completely.

It turns out there was a commercial agent

that saw me in the play

and booked me a spot.

That's great. What-- what kind of commercial?

Hey, nice jacket.

You, too.

- Where'd you get yours? - Bloomingdale's.

Well, if you got yours at Suit City like I did,

you'd have enough left over

for these tarousers.

Shop at Suit City

and you won't get caught without your tarousers.

So? What'd you think?

Terrific.