All language subtitles for Dream On (1990) S05E10.en

"Once upon a time,
there was a big town.

It was built on an island,

and it had the tallest
skyscrapers in all the world.

And there was one street
called Broadway,

which sparkled
with a million lights

and with [indistinct] laughter.

But deep down inside the city,

there were places
not quite so polished,

not quite so luxurious,
not quite so wonderful."

Oh, God.

I should get that,
it might be important.

This is pretty important, too,

or at least it will be
in a minute.

I-- Oh.

Productions,
this is Abby.

No, it's not a bad time.

What?

Please, tell me you're kidding.

Ow.

Oh, no, no, it's not your fault.

Thanks.

Fuck me.

I'm trying, Abby.
I'm really trying.

- Bad news?
- The worst.

Harriet Shapiro pulled her womb.

- Just pulled it.
- Oh, my God.

Is she gonna be all right?

Her womb,
the play I was directing.

Oh.

She got a better offer
from some festival in Trenton.

Shit.

We're supposed to open on Monday
and I have no play.

What am I gonna do?

This is the one big break
of my life.

I'll tell you what, why don't
you take a look at this

and I'll-- I'll make us
some dinner.

Ladies and gentlemen
of the jury,

have you arrived at a verdict?

Who wrote this?

Oh, just some guy
from somewhere.

It's terrific.

Me. Me, I did it.

- I-- I wrote it. It's mine.
- What?

I had no idea
you were a playwright.

I wrote it a long time ago.

Although, it did win a prize.

Well, honorable mention really.

But anyway, you were
saying something

about it being terrific?

- It is. It's funny and touching.
- Well...

Of course it's a little long
in places.

Could use some polishing,

but it's certainly good enough
to produce.

I just wish we had the money.

What money? Take it. It's free.

That helps.

But we need to pay
for new sets and costumes.

I mean, your play has
eight people at a ski resort.

Her womb had two guys
in hefty bags playing zygotes.

No problem. How much do we need?

$10,000.

I know it's a lot of money,

but this play is very,
very important to me.

I'd love to help,

but I'm afraid
most of Richard's money

is tied up
in a charitable trust.

It goes to the Heart Association
and the Cancer Society.

What are they
going to use it for?

To put on more commercials?

Okay, smoking is bad
for your health.

- I mean, I get it.
- Martin.

Doesn't he have a foundation
for something important?

- You know, like playwriting?
- Just one.

Theater Behind Bars.

But you'd have to commit
a violent crime to be eligible.

$10,000?

Get it for you like that.

You can? What-- How?

Here's what you do.

You take out
a big life insurance policy

naming me as your beneficiary.

Then we fake your death,
boating accident, avalanche.

I collect the dough,
give you half.

You assume a new identity.

So what do you say, Ian?

$10,000?

Oh, forget it.

Forget it. Forget it.

I shouldn't even have asked.
I was just...

Done.

Who should I make
the check out to?

It's a homerun.

Thank you.

Well, it's a terrific play, man.

And you're my best friend.
Why shouldn't I?

One question.

I want to play the part of Dan.

That's not a question.

You're right.
It's more like a condition.

I don't understand.
Where's this coming from?

From right here, man.

I've always
wanted to be an actor.

Ever since fifth grade

when I played Paul Revere
in the school pageant.

The precious is coming.

Eddie, this isn't a joke.

This is very important to me.

Well, it's important to me, too.

Okay.

You may laugh,
but every year I go see

Shakespeare in the Park
by myself.

Not-- not because
I can't get a date,

because I want to.

And-- and I watch Hamlet
and-- and Romeo and Juliet.

And I think, "I could do that."

I'm Romeo.

That's good.

And even I think
Abby's looking for someone

with a little more...

- Talent.
- ...experience.

I have experience.

I act every day on my show.

I play a guy who's fascinated

by Bob Dole
sculpting

into the shape of an elephant.

Ooh.

- I-- I don't know, Eddie.
- Oh, come on, man.

This is a chance for us
to pursue our dreams together.

You know,
best friends, side by side.

Please.

Man, I don't want
to be a-- a talk show host

for the rest of my life.

I can make it 11,000,

and we could get
really cool programs.

Curtain, music, lights.

♪ It's great
When you're doing a show ♪

♪ When the curtain goes up
And you're ready to go ♪

Okay, Eddie.

You knock on the door,
then you come in,

and you deliver your first line.

"Hi, I'm Dan."

Okay, okay, okay.

Um, you could go that way.

But why would Dan knock

when he could use
the key that Linda gave him

when they were dating?

Who's Linda?

Eddie, there is no Linda.

Linda owns the house
they're subletting.

You see, I prepared
a 20-page biography

for my character.

In fact, I-- I did one
for all the characters.

Look, I know he's your friend--

He's not just my friend.

He's my friend
with the $11,000 check, okay?

So just give him a chance.

He'll be fine. Go ahead, go.

Um...

if you sense any hostility,

it's because your character's
grandfather called

my character's grandfather
"a darkie."

By the way,
you're a latent homosexual.

Okay.

♪ With every show
You learn a bit ♪

♪ Until they say
That you're a hit ♪

What did you think?

That we just go back to the city

and-- and pretend
that nothing ever happened?

I wasn't thinking.
I was living.

You know,
you should try that sometime.

Hold it.

Eddie, what are you
doing with the cards?

Uh, giving myself
some stage business.

You know,
acting between the lines.

That's a good instinct, Eddie.

But since Jack
and Lucy's relationship

is falling apart
in front of your eyes,

I think that playing the cards

might undercut
the dramatic tension.

- Just, uh...
- Hmm.

Martin, uh...

Wow.

You see,

Dan has his own
life, too.

He can't be doing nothing.

Okay, okay, okay. All right.

Why doesn't Dan try to remember
where he put his car keys?

Good. Good. That's a good idea.

You know,
because he is forgetful.

All right.
Go with it. Go with it.

All right.

From the top.

It's good.

What did you think?

That we could
just go back to the city

and-- and pretend
that nothing ever happened?

I wasn't thinking. I was living.

You know,
you should try that sometime.

What?

I locked them in the trunk.

♪ [indistinct] a little ♪

♪ And they
a little ♪

♪ So you
a little ♪

And my mother said to me,

"Those tarousers you're wearing,

those are your daddy's tarousers

that you're wearing."

And I lied.

"Come on, Ma.

You know I could never
fill daddy's tarousers."

But she knew.

She knew.

Uh, Eddie,
just hold it a minute, will you?

I-- I'm having a little problem
with the trousers speech.

I know what you mean.
I know what you mean.

I-- it's a little stilted.

But I think I can make it work.

The speech is fine.

You just keep saying tarousers.

Yeah, so?

Well, the word is trousers,
not tarousers.

I don't hear the difference.

How could you
not hear the difference?

One's trousers.
The other is tarousers.

There's a whole other syllable.

Why don't you just
change it to pants?

I don't want
to change it to pants.

I want him to say trousers
like a human being.

Martin, relax.

We open the day after tomorrow.

You're going to give
yourself an ulcer.

It's a full house. [indistinct].

We're dead. We're totally dead.

- And it's all your fault.
- What?

How could you let me
talk you into using Eddie?

Don't you know half
of what I say makes no sense?

In the future when I talk,
just do this.

- Just do--
- Martin.

In my purse is a vial of Xanax.

If I haven't finished them all,
help yourself.

Places, everybody. Good show.

You heard it.

- Hey.
- Excuse me.

Listen, bud,
before I get into character,

I just want to thank you again
for this opportunity, man.

Doing this play has been
the best experience of my life.

Well, Eddie,
get out there and break...

- Every bone you have.
- ...a leg.

What's my first line?

I know he's my friend,

but this play is very,
very important to me.

Why can't I get a break?

Did you ever feel like
the whole world is against you?

Once, when my house
was bombed with napalm

and my village
burned to the ground.

Right. Right.

Then-- then you know
what I'm going through.

Shit.

Shh.

Where do you think he is?

Out there on the dock,
throwing stones at the moon.

Oh.

Nothing like a hit show to put
a man in the pink, you know.

- It was great.
- Well, thank you.

Martin.

Martin, I am so proud of you.

Thanks, Jude.

And Eddie. Eddie was terrific.

I mean, for the first time ever,

he was actually like
a real three-dimensional person.

You know, he should be Dan
all the time, [indistinct].

Oh, thanks.

Martin, this is my,
uh, friend, Horst.

Half man, half ape.

Hey. A nice play.

Lot of [indistinct].

Yeah, that's what
I was going for.

Very nice
discussing this with you and--

Thank you, thank you.

Hey, bud. What'd you think?

I--

I thought
it was kind of a miracle.

They loved you.
I knew they would.

Well, I had a great part
and a great play.

If it weren't for you,
there wouldn't be a play.

Man, this is just
the first of many.

I mean, from now on,
we're taking over Broadway.

They're going to be
naming a sandwich after us

at the stage deli.

Yeah.

Martin, can I steal you
for a minute?

There's someone
who wants to meet you.

My public beckons.

What a night, huh?

Here he is, Martin Tupper,

the genius
who wrote this work of genius.

Oh, my God.

Gregor Michael,
I saw you in The Iceman Cometh.

- You-- you were amazing.
- I was shit.

They should have taken that Tony
and shoved it up their asses.

Well, I thought it was good.

Of course, I had
obstructed view seats, but--

Martin, I see
15,000 hours of theater a year.

Theater is my heroine

and your play
was one big fucking speedball.

I want to shoot
your play in my veins.

I want your words in my mouth.

What do you mean exactly?

He wants to be in the play.

Oh, my God.

You're kidding.

- What part?
- What part?

There is only one part
in your play,

just as there is only one heart
in the human body.

Dan, Martin,
he wants to play Dan.

Oh.

Oh, that's...

that's very flattering,
but Eddie's Dan.

No, Eddie is pretending
to be Dan.

I am Dan. Dan is me.
Go ahead. Call me Gregor.

Go ahead. Go ahead.
Go ahead. Go ahead.

Gregor.

See, nothing. Now call me Dan.

- Dan?
- How you doing?

He can start next Friday.

We'll get reviewed

and every paper
will be in Broadway in a month.

Look, I know
this is a great opportunity,

but Eddie put up all the money.

Here's a check.

You fill it out
for whatever amount you want.

It's not my money.

It's Gregor's.

I don't think so.

Look, I mistook you
for an artist.

I mistook you for a man

who wanted to change
the face of American theater.

Good luck with your hobby.

Martin, I appreciate
your loyalty to Eddie.

I really do.

But don't be a fucking moron.

Dan has to sink pretty low

his best friend.

Gregor? Gregor!

- Uh, Dan?
- How you doing?

You got it.

♪ I think you've got a winner ♪

♪ Oh, it's [indistinct] ♪

♪ Yeah, well,
You could take the compliments ♪

♪ I'd rather take the cash ♪

♪ It's great
When you're not [indistinct] ♪

I was so on tonight.

And did you see
Gregor Michael Dean

out there again taking notes?

The guy
is going to school on me.

Come on in.

Eddie, there's, uh--

there's something
I-- I think I should tell you.

You're fired.

There's a little problem
with the play.

What? What's the matter?

You need more money?
How much do you need?

- It's worth every penny.
- No.

No, Eddie, the problem is...

- You're fired.
- ...it's not big enough for you.

You know, you've outgrown it.

Really? In three days?

Well, that's what happens
with great actors.

And I know you're gonna be
getting a lot of offers,

so I-- I totally understand
if you wanna just move on.

Hey, man, I wouldn't do that.

You gave me a break.
You're my best friend.

Well, don't worry about me.

I mean, sometimes you have
to put friendship aside, right?

I mean, this is a business.

You shared it to Sonny

and he became
the mayor of Palm Springs.

So you go ahead,
you have my blessings,

and I'll just have to find
someone else to play Dan.

What are you talking about?

Why don't you do it
and get it over with?

Well, I saw this coming,

so I opened negotiations
with Gregor Michael Dean.

Negotiations?

He starts on Friday.

You asshole! You're firing me!

No! No, don't be ridiculous!

I'm setting you free,
so go and-- and grow.

I took a month's
leave of absence from my show

so I could devote all my time
to your fucking play!

You did?

Well, that'll give you
plenty of time for auditions.

Jesus Christ! Oh, man.

I gave you $11,000!

Uh, you know, that reminds me.

Gregor Michael Dean
gave me a check for $12,000.

See, you made a profit
just like that.

Fuck you!

You know, you're being
very unprofessional about this.

Oh, my God,
can you believe this?

Every critic in town is here.

- How's the house tonight?
- over.

Would it be bad for him

if I offered to blow
each and every one of them?

You take the newspapers,
I'll take the magazines.

Break a leg!

Go, go, go, go, go, go, go.

Martin.

I want you to do
my opening night ritual with me.

Sure! Sure. What is it?

I make my heart
come to a complete stop.

Then, when the white light
envelops me,

I start it again.

I feel born anew. Do it with me!

There's a reductor in the house!

- How was it?
- Very refreshing.

Don't look at me like that.

Hello, I am Dan.

on Broadway.

Thanks for inviting me.

The best show I seen
since

come to entertain
the troop at the [indistinct].

Thank you. Thank you.

And everybody loved
your Shrimp Toast.

Yeah. Thanks again.

What happened?
What happened?

What did they say?
Are-- are we going to Broadway?

Well, actually, they wanted
to talk about a movie.

A movie?

That's unbelievable!

It's going to take
a little rewriting.

Martin, slow down.

They want Gregor
to play the part of Ishmael

in the remake of Moby Dick.

- He starts filming on Tuesday.
- What?

Gregor.

Please, Martin,

call me Ishmael.

That dirty rat!

Fine. Fine.
We'll just go back to Eddie.

He was better
in the part anyway.

Well, actually,
as part of the deal,

Gregor insisted
that the entire cast

parts.

Actors are like wolves.
They move in packs.

Loyalty is everything.

Come on!

We've got a whale to catch!

Yeah!

That's great.

That's just fucking great.
What are we going to do now?

Well, here's the part you might
not like so much,

but I'm going, too.

What?

Gregor has offered me a job

as his director of development.

How could you do that to me?

I'm sorry.

But it's a great
opportunity for me.

I can't pass it up.

You're talented.
Your time will come.

So why don't I give you a call
when I get back?

Maybe we can
work together again.

Well, that about rounds out

our special Home Sweet
for today.

Our special thanks
to the hardest working man

in arts and crafts, James Brown,

for that wonderful
whittling demonstration.

Ow! Good God, y'all!

And a hearty grassy

as to [indistinct] secretary,
Henry Cisneros,

for teaching us
how to shoo a mule.

I'll be here next week

filling in for the vacationing
Eddie Charles.

Oh, and I wish
you could be here all the time.

She's fucking him. I know it.

What do you want?

Well, did you get my messages?

I called you like 50 times.
I was starting to get worried.

Oh, I'm sorry. I was busy.

I was having a knife
surgically removed from my back.

Thank you.

Look, Eddie,
I-- I cleaned out the theater

and I-- I found
some of your stuff

and I thought you might--
might want it.

What is that?

Well, it's a grocery list

and I think
this is your comb, right?

It doesn't look
like much, you know,

but put them together
and it makes a little kazoo.

I-- I thought that a--
a little joke.

Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Look, I fucked you over.

I shouldn't have done it,

but you can't stay
mad at me forever.

- Oh, don't bet on it.
- This is so unfair.

You fuck me over all the time,
and I always forgive you.

I do it to you once
and you get all huffy.

No, no, no, no.
This is different.

Why?

Because I expect more from you
than I do from me.

What are you talking about?

No matter
how much of a dick I was,

I could always count on you
to be a good guy.

That's what made us friends.
There was a balance.

You can't argue against that.

So I'm an occasional dick

and you're a dick
all the time, okay.

So maybe
being dicks is something

that can bring us
closer together.

That is the lamest apology
I've ever heard.

What do you expect?
I mean, I'm a dick.

Yeah, well, fuck you, bud.

Fuck you, too.

You know,
it's very, very touching.

Here you go.

You know,

you didn't
screw me over completely.

It turns out
there was a commercial agent

that saw me in the play

and booked me a spot.

That's great.
What-- what kind of commercial?

Hey, nice jacket.

You, too.

- Where'd you get yours?
- Bloomingdale's.

Well, if you got yours
at Suit City like I did,

you'd have enough left over

for these tarousers.

Shop at Suit City

and you won't get caught
without your tarousers.

So? What'd you think?

Terrific.