All language subtitles for Dream On (1990) S05E08.en

Wow.

Amy, these are...

Hubba, hubba.

...wow.

Is that "I love them" wow

or "I never should have hired
my girlfriend" wow?

It's wow,
just terrific wow.

They're smiling a little more
than I expected,

but I guess that's appropriate.

Well, I mean, I can change that
if you don't like it.

Oh, and I've got some
great ideas for the cover.

Have you decided on a title yet?

No, no, not yet.

Irving and I like
1001 Erotic Nights:

A Contemporary Guide
To Lovemaking.

And Gibby's leaning toward
The Big Book of Fucking.

No matter what I do
for you, it's never enough.

Well, let me tell you
something, mister.
I have needs too.

Could you excuse me
for just a-- just a minute?

Go ahead, lick yourself.

That's your answer
to everything.

She's crazy.

Toby, what is a cat doing
in here?

Not that it's
any of your business,

but we're having
personal problems.

And we have a little rule.

No starting an argument
without finishing it.

You started an argument
with your cat?

Oh, sure. Take his side.

All right.
Just keep it down, will ya?

Sorry about that.
Toby's, uh, insane.

Yeah.

Anyway, it's a-- a great job.
I mean, really.

Thanks. I had a problem

with some of
Irving's descriptions,
but I did the best I could.

Oh, don't worry.
We'll go over all of them.

So, uh, let's get to work.

Now for the first
stunt on our schedule.

To start the camel walk,

top man bends over bottom
and drops to all fours.

Top man then walks
with a slow swinging gait

- while the bottom
hangs loosely underneath.
- Ow.

The seesaw or teeter totter
is a neat balancing trick.

Another modification
is this monkey business.

It's not difficult.
In fact, it's child's play.

Teamwork and cooperation
are absolutely necessary.

And each partner must know

what the other is to do
at any given instant.

Timing and coordination
are also vital elements.

No, no, no.

But confidence
in the man you work with

is absolutely essential.

If you don't think so,

try this kind of clowning
without it

and see what happens.

Oh, look at this.

Half of these positions
are impossible.

He just made them up.

- Doctor said to relax.
- I can't relax.

Get a hold of Irving.
Tell that fraud to get over here
and fix this piece of shit.

I already talked to his wife.
He's in the hospital.

What a surprise.
What position was it, huh?

The Passion Pretzel?
The Devil's Handshake?

Actually, brain aneurysm.
He's in a coma.

Oh, my God.

We're fucked.

We can't be fucked.
I need this book.

Just when I see
my big opportunity,

everything goes wrong.

Don't worry. We have two weeks.
I'll go over the text

and make sure it makes sense,
and you can fix the drawings--
we'll get it done.

I'll get it.

I'll get the door. You... watch.

Where's Martin?
I need to talk to him.

On the couch.

Toby, where the hell
have you been?

I called you nine times.

Terrible news.
Gary Cooper is gone. He's gone.

And he's missed by millions.
Anyway--

You don't understand.

Gary Cooper, my cat,
we had another quarrel.

I said some things I shouldn't
have and he stalked out.

Toby, I am very sorry
about your cat, okay?

But I have a herniated disc.
Irving Zimmer's head exploded,

and we have to redo
this entire book.

So for the next two weeks,
this is the office, okay?

Can't you think
about anybody but yourself?

While you're lying there
with your feet up,

Gary Cooper is out there
cold, alone, unneutered.

Toby, there are a lot
of things I need you to do.

- Now get that pad.
- A pad? Good idea.

Okay, first off, clear
my calendar till next Friday

and get me two clean copies
of the sex book galleys.

And call Production.

Find out the last possible
second I can turn this thing in.

Okay? Any questions?

Yeah. Did I get the eyes right?

Toby, I-- I need a hand here.

Toby, could you help me, please?

What do you mean
you won't put a picture

of a missing cat on your carton?

He drank your lousy milk.
Let me speak to the supervisor.

What do you want, you big baby?

I have to change my clothes.
I'm soaking wet.

Martin, you didn't.

It's water, Toby.
Water. Now just help me.

- Ow! Oh.
- Fine.

But after that,
I'm taking a break.

I've got to put up
some more reward posters.

No!

By the way,
if anybody finds Gary,

I may have to borrow $25,000.

Careful! Careful!
I'm not a piece of furniture!

And I'm not a U-Haul!
Quit your bellyaching.

Easy, easy, easy!

That might be Gary!

Toby!

Gary Cooper hotline.

Martin, are you interested
in a health club membership?

Hang up and get over here now.

I am sick and tired
of you yelling at me.

Can't you see
I'm in a lot of pain?

You know what?
Why don't you go home?

Having you here
is worse than being alone.

Now go on. Go on, go, just go.

That's the thanks I get?
After all I've done for you?

You've done nothing.
You've done worse than nothing.

I asked you
to bring my revisions to Amy,
you left them on the train.

- I asked you to get lunch.
- I got lunch!

For me, Toby, for me!

My life is falling apart here.
I'm doing the best I can!

Well, if this is how
you take care of someone,

no wonder
your fucking cat ran away.

I would too!

If I could move.

That's hitting below the belt.
I didn't figure you
to play it that way.

Oh, come on, Toby, don't.
Don't do that.

No, you're right, Martin.
You're right.

Your words cut deep and true.

Like-- like a hoe.

A hoe?

You wouldn't know
this about me, Martin,

but I have a mean streak.

A dark side.

Toby, that's not true.

I didn't mean
what I said, you know.

I-- it was my back talking.

Really, you're a--
a fine person.

No, I'm-- I'm a loser.

Bad egg.

No one could ever love me.

Not a human, not a cat,
not a plant, not a rock.

Don't be silly.

You've got a lot
of qualities and-- and traits.

Traits?

I got traits? Like what?

Uh...

You're disgusting.

Cheap, noisy, vulgar.

Dumb and conceited.

Impossible, obnoxious.

You're a terrible cook.

You're inquisitive and...

...uh, spunky and...

I could go on and on.

I mean,
any person or cat would be lucky

to have you take care of them.

You know,
you're a-- a special gal.

Really? You think I'm special?

Could you pick me up
off the floor, please?

Gary used to love
when I did this to him.

I used to sing him
this little song.

♪ I'm rubbing your back ♪

Better?

Actually, it--
it does sort of help.

Why don't you just
curl up in your bed

and I'll bring you some milk.

Don't worry, Martin.

I'm gonna use all my traits
to take good care of you.

Okay. The Sidewinder.

Man and woman lying head to toe.

Man's right leg
and woman's left arm

form an "H."

Oh.
There's a mood breaker.

Let's just come back
to that one, okay?

Okay. The Mountaineer.

"We must keep
our love a secret, lieutenant."

"Affirmative.

Meet me in the shower
at 2200 hour

and bring the loofah sponge."

There's room
for one more in here.

Would you cut it out?
I have a lot of work to do.

Toby, has Amy called yet?

Uh, no.

And she didn't
bring you soup either.

But I did.

Wow. What kind?

Uh, chicken
with big round things in it.

- Matzo balls.
- Whatever.

None for me, thanks.

Mm.

Oh.

This place could use
some sprucing up.

You know,
I'm thinking wallpaper.

Let me show you
those swatches I got.

I got daisies
and I got ducks on a pond.

I got just ducks.

So, when's the date?

- What do you mean?
- You and the little woman.

Have you picked out
a china pattern yet?

Toby?

Don't be an asshole.
She's just doing her job.

At nine o'clock at night?
In your apartment?

Man, she's falling
in love with you

and you're leading her on.

Oh, Jim,
you've got the wrong idea.

Shut up.
Can we get back to work, please?

I know the signs, okay?

I-- I see it in the eyes
of every one of my assistants.

After I sleep with them.

Look, I know when someone
is falling for me, okay?

Things between me and Toby
have never been better.

I mean, finally, she's acting
like a professional secretary.

Hmm?

Geez, Martin,
you scared the hell out of me.

Toby, what--
what are you doing here?

Well, I was
finishing up your typing.

I-- I must have dozed off.
Are you okay?

♪ I'm rubbing your back ♪

No, don't, don't,
don't rub my back.

My-- my back is fine, see?
See, it's all better.

You know what? Take the day off.

In-- in fact,
take-- take two days off.

What? And leave you alone?

Get out of here, you drone,
before I tear you to pieces!

Oh, don't worry about me.

And-- and what about your cat?

I mean,
shouldn't you be outside,

combing the streets, something?

Didn't I tell you?
He came back on Tuesday.

He's back?
What are you doing here?

You should be home
with Gary, you know,

working through those issues.

Martin, he's a cat.

He's got a brain
the size of a walnut.

That sort of gives you
something in common, don't it?

Maybe so, but I mean,
he still has feelings.

Ah, let me get another 40 winks.

And then I'll give you
a nice sponge bath.

Toby?

Are you decent?

"Went to get Mr. Bubble.
Back by 11:00."

Oh, my God.

Run for your lives!

Do you hear it? Help's coming!

Hi, Toby and Martin
aren't home right now,

so leave a message,
and we'll get back to you
if we feel like it.

Oh, my God!

It's Amy!

Amy! Amy!

I'm coming!

Martin, is that you?
Buzz me in.

Amy!

Martin, are you there?

Martin?

Amy! Amy!

Oh! Oh, thank God!
Where have you been?

I've been trying to get
in touch with you for days!

- I called, I came over.
- What?

Toby told me you had 103 fever,
and then she told me
that you were in the hospital.

It's-- it's a long story.
It's a long story.

But the important thing
is we're both safe.

My nightmare is over.

And they lived
happily ever after.

I give you
the best six days of my life,

and this is how you repay me?

Amy, Toby and I have to talk.

Maybe--
maybe you'd better leave.

Maybe you'd better, slut.

I'll call you later.

- What the hell is going on here?
- You tell me!

You're the one
who was two-timing me

underneath my own roof!

First of all, this is my roof!

Second of all, in order
for there to be two-timing,
there has to be a one-timing.

And there's been
no timing, Toby!

We've never once timed!

Call me old-fashioned,

but I was waiting for you
to make the first move.

Don't take this the wrong way,
but you've lost your mind!

There's nothing
going on between us, Toby!

Oh, yeah?
Well, I felt something.

And I know you felt something!

Neither of us felt anything!

How could you say that?

You said I had traits!
You said I was beautiful!

I never said you were beautiful!

Well, you could have, you know.
When a girl's in a relationship,

she likes to hear that
once in a while.

Toby, the only
relationship we have

is boss and secretary.

Boss and secretary, boss and
secretary, boss and secretary!

- Now say it with me! Boss and...
- Secretary.

- Yes.
- Yeah. Now.

But it was a different story
when you needed me

to cook your meals
and wash your clothes

and rub your back.

I didn't hear
you complaining then.

Have you anything more to say

before I find you guilty?

Uh...

I'll send for my things.

Hey, Toby! How's it going?

What's the matter, honey?
Did I say something wrong?

Good news. We finished the book.
Guess how we did it.

Well, uh, I'll tell you.

We renamed it.
312 Erotic Nights.

Fine.

I'll have your new secretary
change the labels on your files.

What?

You're-- you're quitting?

I can't go on the way we were.

My heart is not connected
to a light switch.

Like some people
who shall remain nameless,

Mr. On-Off, On-Off!

Toby, I'm sorry.

I never meant to hurt you.

Can't we talk about this?

I don't want you to leave me.
I--

We've been together 12 years,

you know,
and I-- I care about you.

Then why'd you have
to spoil everything?

Well, uh--

For the first time in my life,

I had someone to come home to.

Someone to feed,
someone to cuddle with.

Someone who didn't poop
in a litter box.

Toby, that--
that someone isn't me.

You poop in a litter box?

Toby, what I'm trying to say is,

you weren't in love with me.

You were in love with the idea
of being in a relationship.

So-- so what
you're telling me is

that I wasn't in love with you?

I was in love with the idea
of being in a relationship?

Well, that's another way
of putting it.

What do you know?

You don't know
what it's like to be lonely.

To want to share
your life with someone.

- Yes, I do.
- You do?

More than you know, Toby.
I had someone and I lost her.

Who?

Oh.

Wow.

You're an even
bigger loser than I am.

Exactly.

Toby, look, we're both
looking for the right person.

And when you find yours,
I know you're gonna
make him very, very...

...happy.

Thanks, Martin.

Except for saying
I was beautiful,

that's the nicest thing
you've ever said to me.

- So you'll stay?
- Until further notice.

By the way, nice sweater.

Oh, thanks.
A friend of mine gave it to me.

Martin, one question.

If I was 5'9, weighed 110 pounds

and had big fake boobs
like all your girlfriends,

do you think things
would've been different?

Uh...

We should weigh our words
very carefully before we speak.

Wait a minute.

If I looked like that,
why the hell would I want you?

What a sweet little dish.

Toby!