Original subtitles

Laylee, I think we need to talk,

uh, about us.

Wait a minute, I just need to find "kiwi."

Laylee, why don't you just put the puzzle down?

There it is, that was a hard one,

I think because it's a diagonal.

Laylee, I've been doing a lot of thinking, you know,

and I-- I just don't think we should see each other anymore.

And it's not because of you, you're...

Stupid, stupid, stupid.

...a wonderful person, it's me.

It's my inability to give you what you need.

I don't have to have

an orgasm every time.

No, to be perfectly honest,

I-- I need someone who's a little

more intellectual, you know, more challenging.

So, rather than let this drag out,

I thought we would just call it quits,

you know-- you know, break up.

So what are you saying?

We got a long night ahead of us.

So after about three hours, she finally caught on.

I was about this close to using flashcards.

Martin, she was no stupider last night than the day you asked her out.

I know, I know, you're right.

It's just frustrating, why can't I ever, just once,

meet someone who's intelligent and funny and interesting?

Who wouldn't divorce me. I wouldn't even care what she looks like.

You know, I have a friend

who works on Richard's Think Tank.

She's bright, she's outgoing, she's-- she's well-read.

Really? Is she cute?

Not that it would make any difference.

I happen to think she's nice-looking.

If we can produce the mold in quantity,

think what it will mean to thousands of people all over the world.

You know what, maybe it's not such a-- such a good idea.

I mean, she's your friend, it-- it could be a little awkward.

Okay, fine, you know, you can always go and marry Laylee,

and 30 years from now, when her breasts are down around her ankles,

and your prostate's the size of this artichoke,

I'm sure you'll have lots to talk about.

Home already? Ain't near feeding time.

What's your friend's number?

Oh, no, no way you get to see me before I get to see you.

Uh, uh, I wasn't looking.

I saw your eyeball.

Yeah, well it's a, you know, safety thing.

Thank God, you're not a troll.

I was expecting a troll,

and you're not the least bit troll-like.

It's a really fun job.

I get to spend all day thinking about whatever I want.

What if the South had won the Civil War?

What if milk were our form of currency?

And then I write a paper,

and they pay me much more than I deserve.

That sounds just like my job.

Yeah, yeah, except for the thinking and the fun and the money.

- Great girl. - Bright too.

It's four o'clock?

Well, we had eight o'clock dinner reservations.

You think they're still holding our table?

I thought it was like, 9:30. How did that happen?

Time flies when you're having fun.

You can use that Monday if you'd like.

Don't rush, my dear boy. Take your time.

- Maybe I better take you home. - Why?

Because if I don't, we might end up sleeping together.

Yes, we might.

Yes, "indeedy."

Well, it's our first date. I mean, what if we get married?

What-- what do we tell the kids?

That it was love at first sight.

You-- you're very good at this thinking thing.

The brain, a pulpy mass

of cells and fibers,

is the center of human intelligence.

Neighboring areas of the cerebrum control skilled acts.

In the frontal lobes are located the motor areas

controlling movements of the body.

Hey, hey--

The brain stem controls actions

of the body that are automatic,

and therefore, do not have to be learned.

These centers stimulate them to select an appropriate response.

Sound stimuli are received in the temporal lobe.

Taste stimuli are received in the parietal lobe.

At the base of the skull lies the cerebellum

coordinating complex muscular activity.

In all of man's accomplishments, great and small,

it is this that makes him what he is.

This unique instrument, the human brain.

Isn't Jill great? Oh, no, really, really.

- Don't you just love her? - Yeah.

I bet she's got great nipples.

- What? - Not like Ariella's nipples.

I mean, she's nice and everything,

but with a name like Ariella, you really get your hopes up.

This isn't about that.

Jill is everything I'm looking for, Eddie.

You know, she's brilliant, she's funny, she--

she's got this great purity of spirit, and--

So she's got horrible nipples, huh?

Would you stop it? She's got great nipples, okay?

I mean, they're-- they're perfect.

I knew it, you could just tell.

Would you listen to me?

Eddie, this could be it.

Really, I-- I could see myself marrying this woman.

- I think you should. - Really?

A woman with nipples like that is hard to come by.

Yeah.

Hold on to your hat, kiddo, here we go again.

Get out!

What? What? What is it?

Actually, I was just thinking how different you are

from the guys I usually go out with.

Really? How so, hmm?

I don't know, they were all...

- Ugly! - Childish. - Silly.

Intellectuals.

And I'm not.

No, what I mean is you don't overanalyze everything

and challenge me all the time.

Oh, oh, I see, so I'm an unchallenging non-intellectual.

- This is what you're saying. - No, no, no.

You're challenging, but in a good way.

Not like Peter, my ex.

I mean, I would say good morning and he would say,

"In what sense? Ethically? Ontologically?"

Then I would hit him with a vase.

You know, Jill, I'm not exactly a moron, you know?

I'm in Columbia University, the Dean's list every semester.

Martin, you're being silly.

No, no, no, I missed Phi Beta Kappa

by literally a tenth of a point.

If fucking McKinney hadn't given me a B-minus in Chaucer,

I would have been in, you know, believe me.

You're the best, okay? The perfect man.

Michelangelo's David.

Only circumcised.

How do you like that?

- Shit. - Purse.

Mensa? The High IQ Society?

Oh, it's-- it's nothing.

I only blow him for business reasons.

Just how smart are you, Jill?

- I mean, what-- what's your IQ? - Put the card away, Martin.

No, I'm curious. I'm just curious, you know?

What, uh-- Three digits?

Four digits?

Is there an exponent?

- It's in the 150s, okay? - Okay.

The high 150s or the low 150s?

It's 167.

So, that would be the high 150s, I believe.

Can we drop this now? It's just a number.

- It's meaningless. - Okay. Okay, you're right.

You're right. I'm being ridiculous, right?

I mean it's-- it's just a number, hmm?

"A fish has a tail 6 inches long.

Its head is the size of the tail,

plus one half the size of its middle,

its middle is the size of the tail, plus the head.

What is the size of the fish?"

"What is the size of the fish?"

- It's 94 miles. - About seven yards.

Just tell them 15.

Fifteen.

"Geese is to gaggle, as buffalo is to..."

Blank.

"Geese is to gaggle..."

"Geese is to gaggle as buffalo is to..."

Bill!

"Geese is to gaggle."

"Geese is to gaggle."

"Geese is to gaggle." "Geese is to gaggle."

-"Geese is to--" - What are you doing?

You're not turning into one of those chanting guys, are you?

Could I have some privacy, please?

Oh, an IQ test, I love that.

I took one once, I got a 192.

Wait a minute. That was my cholesterol.

Do you mind?

Oh, not at all, I'd love to help.

"Geese is to gaggle, as buffalo is to..."

-"Buncha." - What?

A "buncha" buffalo. Don't you speak the language?

I'm not the smartest man in the world, brother, but I'm not the dumbest.

"Geese is to gaggle, as buffalo is to..."

herd, no, no, no, no, wait, that's too obvious, uh...

pride.

- Ooh, this is exciting. - Here we go.

Read them and weep, kid.

Look how cute and tiny your head is.

Like a pest dispenser.

I don't have to come up here to be insulted.

Could you believe Eddie's date, huh?

I mean, come on.

How do you confuse Marc Chagall and Steven Seagal?

They're both world-class artists.

One visual, one martial.

What do you think their IQ is?

- I mean, 85, 90 top? - I have no idea.

I wanted to do this the whole movie.

Jill. Jill. Jill.

All we do is fool around. I mean, we never talk anymore.

What do you want to talk about?

Well, any number of subjects.

I mean, there's a Paleo-Christian Art and Dostoevsky

and the Feminist Perspective on French Impressionism.

Um, I'll take Dostoevsky for 200.

Is that a game show reference? I don't really watch television.

If that ain't the biggest lie I ever heard in my whole life.

Anyway, let's not talk about Dostoevsky.

You know, he's so Byzantine, and speaking of Byzantine,

I just read the most fascinating article comparing

the fall of the Byzantine Empire to the collapse of the Soviet Union.

Now, [indistinct] contends--

You are so cute when you pontificate.

Okay, okay, let's-- let's just forget it.

Come on, where's your sense of humor?

Sorry.

I'm sorry. I'm just feeling a little...

Stupid, stupid, stupid.

...tired.

Anyway, what are you doing Saturday?

I have tickets for the Kandinsky retrospective at MoMA.

I'd love to go, but I'm having a...

thing at my apartment.

A thing?

You're having a-- a thing?

A work thing.

A party thing.

A Mensa thing.

Oh. Oh, I see.

So, I guess, I'm not invited.

I didn't think you'd want to come.

Yeah, I'd probably feel out of place

in a room full of smart people, like you and Peter.

I'm sorry, I should have invited you.

Please come.

No, that's okay, I'll just stay home,

and practice my multiplication table.

Martin, I want you to come.

Please, I would be thrilled to have you there.

Are you sure? I mean, I don't want to pressure you.

I'm sure.

Well, I guess, I could sell the Kandinsky tickets.

You do that.

Jill, I-- I'm really not in the mood.

You know, I-- I have this terrible headache.

Do you know how they cured headaches in the Byzantine Empire?

Uh, I forgot.

Oh, now I remember.

Excuse me.

- Hi. - Hi.

- You're looking nice. - So do you.

- Come, meet my friend. - Okay.

This is my friend, Ansonia. This is Martin.

- Nice to meet you. - Nice to meet you, Martin.

Uh, these are for you.

Oh, how beautiful.

Actually, they're more than beautiful.

They're also imbued with meaning.

According to the 18th century language of the flowers,

roses indicate love, and lilies indicate silliness.

So these mean I'm silly in love with you.

For that, the lilies would have to be on the outside.

The way you have it, it means "I love acting like an idiot."

So, he says to the doctor, "I didn't say my stomach hurts."

I said, "Weltschmerz."

Weltschmerz.

Weltschmerz, weltschmerz.

Oh, you might want to look under W.

Jude, what are you doing here?

You're not in Mensa, are you?

No, no, no, no. Little Richard is.

Scram, kid, scram, scram.

You know, he's in the bedroom using his stuffed animals

to disprove the Single-Bullet Theory.

Tell him it's been done.

Anyway, how are things with Jill?

Didn't I tell you she was great?

Yeah. Yeah, she's the best.

Jude, can I ask you a personal question?

Sure.

What was it like being intellectually

inferior to your spouse?

Well, Martin, I don't know.

Why don't you tell me?

Well, cut off my legs, and call me Shorty.

Peter, your entire argument is specious.

I mean, you're trying to revise history

to conform to your myopic Hobbesian view of the world.

I write two or three books on Hobbes,

and all of a sudden, I'm Hobbesian?

No, no. No need for name calling.

Hey, how's it going?

Oh, hi. Martin Tupper.

Austen O'Malley, Peter Singleton.

Peter, I've heard a great deal about you.

Settle an argument for us, Tupper.

Martin isn't interested in hearing--

Excuse me, Jill.

Of course I 'm interested. What are we talking about?

In simplest terms.

Jill and O'Malley contend that Caesar's downfall

was precipitated by the dissolution of the triumvirate.

I say it all boils down to one word, farceless.

What do you think?

Oh, man.

Uh...

I think anyone who puts anchovies in a salad

is just asking for trouble.

We'll ask Weinberg.

I thought that was cute.

Case dismissed, courts adjourn.

Turn out the lights, take me home.

- Thanks so much. - Thanks. Thanks for coming.

Thank you. Thanks for coming.

I'll put on the dunce cap.

Hey, sport. Did you have fun?

I was never so humiliated in all my life.

You bet.

And Sonya thought you were really funny.

She also thought you had a great ass.

An observation with which I heartily agree.

What's wrong?

Oh, please, like you need me to explain this to you.

- Actually, I do. - Oh, come on. Come on.

We both know how it works, right?

You get your intellectual rocks off at Peter and Company,

and you come to me for sex.

What?

Just because your IQ is 167, and mine is...

Is almost 18.

...a little lower, there's no reason to treat me

like a piece of meat, like some kind of girl toy.

Where is this coming from? The party?

Because you can't let these people upset you.

It's not them, it's not them, it's you, you paw me every chance you get.

You say whatever it takes to get into my pants.

What are you talking about?

Do-- do you really think that?

To the extent that I can think, yes, yes, I do.

Martin, you are being totally ridiculous.

So my IQ is a little higher than yours, big deal.

It's nothing to get insecure about.

Oh, so, now I'm not just stupid. I'm also insecure.

God, you are being such a guy about this.

What if it had been the other way around?

Would you have had any problem with it at all?

Talk yourself out of that.

Don't use your fancy logic on me.

I know what I know.

You obviously have a serious problem here,

and if you can't get past it, I don't know if we can keep seeing each other.

No shit, doesn't take a fucking genius to figure that out!

Just so you know, Martin, I never thought you were stupid.

Until now.

"Parting is such sweet sorrow," Shakespeare.

And so, when the triumvirate fell,

- Caesar's fate was sealed. - Mm.

Of course, anyone who puts anchovies in a salad

is just asking for trouble.

So help me out, clip that guy out, mow him down.

Professor O'Malley, thank you for that fun

fascinating, and fact-filled history lesson.

Remember, Ancient Rome Week continues tomorrow

with our guest, Ben-Hur himself,

Charlton Heston, who will teach us how to read a sundial.

And American gladiators Turbo and Laser will reenact

a fight to the death using weapons

that you can make at home with ordinary household items.

Ooh, so until then, remember...

...you're always welcome--

At Home Sweet Home.

- Bye-bye, everyone. - Bye-bye, everybody.

We'll see you tomorrow.

And we're out.

Martin.

Kristy.

If you're not busy later, perhaps we could share

some vino in my Jacuzzi.

Screw you, brainiac.

I really blew it this time, I don't know what's wrong with me.

I can't go out with smart women.

I can't go out with less than smart women.

I mean, who's left?

Well, I don't know, uh, paralegals.

I called her to see if we could work it out.

She didn't want any part of it.

Oh, man, I feel for you, man, I really do.

Thanks, pal.

So, uh, can I get her number?

- What? - Oh, wait, wait, wait.

I'll wait a day or two. I'm not an asshole.

Not gonna fool me.

Let me tell you something.

She would never go out with you. sIf she did, it wouldn't last a week.

She's way too smart for you, Eddie.

A week? Boo-hoo.

By then, I'll have seen her nipples.

Oh, God.

You know, you're so different from the guys I usually go out with.

Really? How so?

Well, all my other boyfriends were really

good-looking and built.

Women were always trying

to steal them away from me.

But with you, I feel really secure.

Could you excuse me for, uh, just a minute?

- Pop. - Yeah.

Are women really worth it?

Son, that question

has puzzled every man since Adam.