All language subtitles for Dream On (1990) S05E07.en

Laylee, I think we need to talk,

uh, about us.

Wait a minute, I just need
to find "kiwi."

Laylee, why don't you just
put the puzzle down?

There it is,
that was a hard one,

I think because it's a diagonal.

Laylee, I've been doing
a lot of thinking, you know,

and I-- I just don't think we
should see each other anymore.

And it's not because of you,
you're...

Stupid, stupid, stupid.

...a wonderful person, it's me.

It's my inability to give you
what you need.

I don't have to have

an orgasm every time.

No, to be perfectly honest,

I-- I need someone
who's a little

more intellectual, you know,
more challenging.

So, rather than let this
drag out,

I thought we would just
call it quits,

you know-- you know, break up.

So what
are you saying?

We got a long night ahead of us.

So after about three hours,
she finally caught on.

I was about this close
to using flashcards.

Martin, she was no stupider
last night than the day
you asked her out.

I know, I know, you're right.

It's just frustrating,
why can't I ever, just once,

meet someone who's intelligent
and funny and interesting?

Who wouldn't divorce me.
I wouldn't even care
what she looks like.

You know, I have a friend

who works
on Richard's Think Tank.

She's bright, she's outgoing,
she's-- she's well-read.

Really? Is she cute?

Not that it
would make any difference.

I happen to think
she's nice-looking.

If we can produce
the mold in quantity,

think what it will mean
to thousands of people
all over the world.

You know what, maybe it's
not such a-- such a good idea.

I mean, she's your friend, it--
it could be a little awkward.

Okay, fine, you know, you can
always go and marry Laylee,

and 30 years from now,
when her breasts are
down around her ankles,

and your prostate's
the size of this artichoke,

I'm sure you'll have
lots to talk about.

Home already?
Ain't near feeding time.

What's your friend's number?

Oh, no,
no way you get to see me
before I get to see you.

Uh, uh, I wasn't looking.

I saw your eyeball.

Yeah, well it's a,
you know, safety thing.

Thank God, you're not a troll.

I was expecting a troll,

and you're not
the least bit troll-like.

It's a really fun job.

I get to spend all day
thinking about whatever I want.

What if the South
had won the Civil War?

What if milk
were our form of currency?

And then I write a paper,

and they pay me
much more than I deserve.

That sounds just like my job.

Yeah, yeah,
except for the thinking
and the fun and the money.

- Great girl.
- Bright too.

It's four o'clock?

Well, we had eight o'clock
dinner reservations.

You think
they're still holding our table?

I thought it was like, 9:30.
How did that happen?

Time flies
when you're having fun.

You can use that Monday
if you'd like.

Don't rush, my dear boy.
Take your time.

- Maybe I better take you home.
- Why?

Because if I don't, we might
end up sleeping together.

Yes, we might.

Yes, "indeedy."

Well, it's our first date.
I mean, what if we get married?

What-- what do we tell the kids?

That it was love at first sight.

You-- you're very good
at this thinking thing.

The brain, a pulpy mass

of cells and fibers,

is the center
of human intelligence.

Neighboring areas
of the cerebrum
control skilled acts.

In the frontal lobes
are located the motor areas

controlling
movements of the body.

Hey, hey--

The brain stem controls actions

of the body that are automatic,

and therefore,
do not have to be learned.

These centers
stimulate them to select
an appropriate response.

Sound stimuli are received
in the temporal lobe.

Taste stimuli are
received in the parietal lobe.

At the base of the skull
lies the cerebellum

coordinating
complex muscular activity.

In all
of man's accomplishments,
great and small,

it is this
that makes him what he is.

This unique instrument,
the human brain.

Isn't Jill great?
Oh, no, really, really.

- Don't you just love her?
- Yeah.

I bet she's got great nipples.

- What?
- Not like Ariella's nipples.

I mean,
she's nice and everything,

but with a name like Ariella,
you really get your hopes up.

This isn't about that.

Jill is everything
I'm looking for, Eddie.

You know, she's brilliant,
she's funny, she--

she's got this great
purity of spirit, and--

So she's got
horrible nipples, huh?

Would you stop it?
She's got great nipples, okay?

I mean, they're--
they're perfect.

I knew it,
you could just tell.

Would you listen to me?

Eddie, this could be it.

Really, I-- I could see
myself marrying this woman.

- I think you should.
- Really?

A woman with nipples
like that is hard to come by.

Yeah.

Hold on to your hat, kiddo,
here we go again.

Get out!

What? What? What is it?

Actually, I was just
thinking how different you are

from the guys
I usually go out with.

Really? How so, hmm?

I don't know, they were all...

- Ugly!
- Childish.
- Silly.

Intellectuals.

And I'm not.

No, what I mean is
you don't overanalyze everything

and challenge me all the time.

Oh, oh, I see,
so I'm an unchallenging
non-intellectual.

- This is what you're saying.
- No, no, no.

You're challenging,
but in a good way.

Not like Peter, my ex.

I mean, I would say good morning
and he would say,

"In what sense?
Ethically? Ontologically?"

Then I would
hit him with a vase.

You know, Jill, I'm not
exactly a moron, you know?

I'm in Columbia University,
the Dean's list every semester.

Martin, you're being silly.

No, no, no,
I missed Phi Beta Kappa

by literally a tenth of a point.

If fucking McKinney hadn't
given me a B-minus in Chaucer,

I would have been in,
you know, believe me.

You're the best, okay?
The perfect man.

Michelangelo's David.

Only circumcised.

How do you like that?

- Shit.
- Purse.

Mensa? The High IQ Society?

Oh, it's-- it's nothing.

I only blow him
for business reasons.

Just how smart are you, Jill?

- I mean, what-- what's your IQ?
- Put the card away, Martin.

No, I'm curious.
I'm just curious, you know?

What, uh-- Three digits?

Four digits?

Is there an exponent?

- It's in the 150s, okay?
- Okay.

The high 150s or the low 150s?

It's 167.

So, that would be
the high 150s, I believe.

Can we drop this now?
It's just a number.

- It's meaningless.
- Okay. Okay, you're right.

You're right.
I'm being ridiculous, right?

I mean it's--
it's just a number, hmm?

"A fish has a tail
6 inches long.

Its head is the size
of the tail,

plus one half the size
of its middle,

its middle is the size
of the tail, plus the head.

What is the size of the fish?"

"What is the size of the fish?"

- It's 94 miles.
- About seven yards.

Just tell them 15.

Fifteen.

"Geese is to gaggle,
as buffalo is to..."

Blank.

"Geese is to gaggle..."

"Geese is to gaggle
as buffalo is to..."

Bill!

"Geese is to gaggle."

"Geese is to gaggle."

"Geese is to gaggle."
"Geese is to gaggle."

-"Geese is to--"
- What are you doing?

You're not turning into one
of those chanting guys, are you?

Could I have
some privacy, please?

Oh, an IQ test, I love that.

I took one once, I got a 192.

Wait a minute.
That was my cholesterol.

Do you mind?

Oh, not at all,
I'd love to help.

"Geese is to gaggle,
as buffalo is to..."

-"Buncha."
- What?

A "buncha" buffalo.
Don't you speak the language?

I'm not the smartest man
in the world, brother,
but I'm not the dumbest.

"Geese is to gaggle,
as buffalo is to..."

herd, no, no, no, no,
wait, that's too obvious, uh...

pride.

- Ooh, this is exciting.
- Here we go.

Read them and weep, kid.

Look how cute
and tiny your head is.

Like a pest dispenser.

I don't have to
come up here to be insulted.

Could you
believe Eddie's date, huh?

I mean, come on.

How do you confuse Marc Chagall
and Steven Seagal?

They're both
world-class artists.

One visual, one martial.

What do you think their IQ is?

- I mean, 85, 90 top?
- I have no idea.

I wanted to do this
the whole movie.

Jill. Jill. Jill.

All we do is fool around.
I mean, we never talk anymore.

What do you want to talk about?

Well, any number of subjects.

I mean, there's
a Paleo-Christian Art
and Dostoevsky

and the Feminist Perspective
on French Impressionism.

Um, I'll take
Dostoevsky for 200.

Is that a game show reference?
I don't really watch television.

If that ain't
the biggest lie I ever heard
in my whole life.

Anyway, let's not
talk about Dostoevsky.

You know, he's so Byzantine,
and speaking of Byzantine,

I just read the most
fascinating article comparing

the fall of the Byzantine Empire
to the collapse
of the Soviet Union.

Now, [indistinct] contends--

You are so cute
when you pontificate.

Okay, okay,
let's-- let's just forget it.

Come on,
where's your sense of humor?

Sorry.

I'm sorry.
I'm just feeling a little...

Stupid, stupid, stupid.

...tired.

Anyway,
what are you doing Saturday?

I have tickets for the Kandinsky
retrospective at MoMA.

I'd love to go,
but I'm having a...

thing at my apartment.

A thing?

You're having a-- a thing?

A work thing.

A party thing.

A Mensa thing.

Oh. Oh, I see.

So, I guess, I'm not invited.

I didn't think
you'd want to come.

Yeah,
I'd probably feel out of place

in a room full of smart people,
like you and Peter.

I'm sorry,
I should have invited you.

Please come.

No, that's okay,
I'll just stay home,

and practice
my multiplication table.

Martin, I want you to come.

Please, I would be
thrilled to have you there.

Are you sure? I mean,
I don't want to pressure you.

I'm sure.

Well, I guess, I could
sell the Kandinsky tickets.

You do that.

Jill,
I-- I'm really not in the mood.

You know, I--
I have this terrible headache.

Do you know
how they cured headaches
in the Byzantine Empire?

Uh, I forgot.

Oh, now I remember.

Excuse me.

- Hi.
- Hi.

- You're looking nice.
- So do you.

- Come, meet my friend.
- Okay.

This is my friend, Ansonia.
This is Martin.

- Nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you, Martin.

Uh, these are for you.

Oh, how beautiful.

Actually,
they're more than beautiful.

They're also
imbued with meaning.

According to the 18th century
language of the flowers,

roses indicate love,
and lilies indicate silliness.

So these mean
I'm silly in love with you.

For that, the lilies
would have to be on the outside.

The way you have it, it means
"I love acting like an idiot."

So, he says to the doctor,
"I didn't say my stomach hurts."

I said, "Weltschmerz."

Weltschmerz.

Weltschmerz, weltschmerz.

Oh, you might want
to look under W.

Jude, what are you doing here?

You're not in Mensa, are you?

No, no, no, no.
Little Richard is.

Scram, kid, scram, scram.

You know, he's in the bedroom
using his stuffed animals

to disprove
the Single-Bullet Theory.

Tell him it's been done.

Anyway,
how are things with Jill?

Didn't I tell you she was great?

Yeah. Yeah, she's the best.

Jude, can I ask you
a personal question?

Sure.

What was it like
being intellectually

inferior to your spouse?

Well, Martin, I don't know.

Why don't you tell me?

Well, cut off my legs,
and call me Shorty.

Peter, your entire
argument is specious.

I mean,
you're trying to revise history

to conform to your myopic
Hobbesian view of the world.

I write
two or three books on Hobbes,

and all of a sudden,
I'm Hobbesian?

No, no.
No need for name calling.

Hey, how's it going?

Oh, hi. Martin Tupper.

Austen O'Malley,
Peter Singleton.

Peter, I've heard
a great deal about you.

Settle
an argument for us, Tupper.

Martin isn't
interested in hearing--

Excuse me, Jill.

Of course I 'm interested.
What are we talking about?

In simplest terms.

Jill and O'Malley contend
that Caesar's downfall

was precipitated
by the dissolution
of the triumvirate.

I say it all boils down
to one word, farceless.

What do you think?

Oh, man.

Uh...

I think anyone
who puts anchovies in a salad

is just asking for trouble.

We'll ask Weinberg.

I thought that was cute.

Case dismissed, courts adjourn.

Turn out the lights,
take me home.

- Thanks so much.
- Thanks. Thanks for coming.

Thank you. Thanks for coming.

I'll put on the dunce cap.

Hey, sport. Did you have fun?

I was never
so humiliated in all my life.

You bet.

And Sonya thought
you were really funny.

She also thought
you had a great ass.

An observation
with which I heartily agree.

What's wrong?

Oh, please, like you need me
to explain this to you.

- Actually, I do.
- Oh, come on. Come on.

We both know
how it works, right?

You get your intellectual
rocks off at Peter and Company,

and you come to me for sex.

What?

Just because
your IQ is 167, and mine is...

Is almost 18.

...a little lower,
there's no reason to treat me

like a piece of meat,
like some kind of girl toy.

Where is this coming from?
The party?

Because you can't let
these people upset you.

It's not them,
it's not them, it's you,
you paw me every chance you get.

You say whatever it takes
to get into my pants.

What are you talking about?

Do-- do you really think that?

To the extent that
I can think, yes, yes, I do.

Martin, you are being
totally ridiculous.

So my IQ is a little higher
than yours, big deal.

It's nothing
to get insecure about.

Oh, so, now I'm not just stupid.
I'm also insecure.

God, you are being
such a guy about this.

What if it had been
the other way around?

Would you have had
any problem with it at all?

Talk yourself out of that.

Don't use
your fancy logic on me.

I know what I know.

You obviously
have a serious problem here,

and if you can't get past it,
I don't know if we can
keep seeing each other.

No shit, doesn't take
a fucking genius
to figure that out!

Just so you know, Martin,
I never thought you were stupid.

Until now.

"Parting is such
sweet sorrow," Shakespeare.

And so,
when the triumvirate fell,

- Caesar's fate was sealed.
- Mm.

Of course, anyone who puts
anchovies in a salad

is just asking for trouble.

So help me out,
clip that guy out, mow him down.

Professor O'Malley,
thank you for that fun

fascinating,
and fact-filled history lesson.

Remember, Ancient Rome Week
continues tomorrow

with our guest, Ben-Hur himself,

Charlton Heston, who will
teach us how to read a sundial.

And American gladiators
Turbo and Laser will reenact

a fight to the death
using weapons

that you can make at home
with ordinary household items.

Ooh, so until then, remember...

...you're always welcome--

At Home Sweet Home.

- Bye-bye, everyone.
- Bye-bye, everybody.

We'll see you tomorrow.

And we're out.

Martin.

Kristy.

If you're not busy later,
perhaps we could share

some vino in my Jacuzzi.

Screw you, brainiac.

I really blew it this time,
I don't know
what's wrong with me.

I can't go out with smart women.

I can't go out
with less than smart women.

I mean, who's left?

Well,
I don't know, uh, paralegals.

I called her to see
if we could work it out.

She didn't want any part of it.

Oh, man, I feel
for you, man, I really do.

Thanks, pal.

So, uh,
can I get her number?

- What?
- Oh, wait, wait, wait.

I'll wait a day or two.
I'm not an asshole.

Not gonna fool me.

Let me tell you something.

She would never go out with you.
sIf she did,
it wouldn't last a week.

She's way too smart
for you, Eddie.

A week? Boo-hoo.

By then,
I'll have seen her nipples.

Oh, God.

You know,
you're so different from
the guys I usually go out with.

Really? How so?

Well, all my other
boyfriends were really

good-looking and built.

Women were always trying

to steal them away from me.

But with you,
I feel really secure.

Could you excuse me
for, uh, just a minute?

- Pop.
- Yeah.

Are women really worth it?

Son, that question

has puzzled
every man since Adam.