All language subtitles for Dream On (1990) S05E06.en

The man said when
he picked up Sarah Cucumber,

"This is a fine pickle."

You got some calls
while you were out.

Eddie Charles, Eddie Charles,
Eddie Charles,

Eddie Charles, Eddie Charles.

Too bad we're not playing poker.

- Help yourself.
- Oh, no thanks. I hate pastrami.

Oh, by the way, Eddie Charles
is on the line for you.

- Which one?
- Your friend, the TV guy.

How many Eddie Charles's
do you know?

Which line, Toby? Which line?

Oh, line two.

And tell him to stop
calling so much.

I got better things to do
than answer your phone.

Eddie, I gotta call you later.

I'm in a very important meeting.

I really can't talk now.

Liar.

If it's about the reunion,
just forget it.

- I'm-- I'm not going.
- Why?

Is it the money?

Because if it's the money,
I'll pay for the ticket.

No, no, no,
it is not the money, okay?

It's just I'm--

Dim-witted, clumsy, failure.

I'm just not interested.

Come on.
I can't think of one person
that I actually want to see.

Oh, no?
What about Jeannie Gill? Hmm?

♪ I dream of Jeannie ♪

♪ With the light brown hair ♪

Ah, she probably
wouldn't even remember me.

Besides, she married some cop
and moved to one of those
big rectangular states.

Well, so forget about her.

What-- What about me?

You're just going
to make me go by myself?

Quit bugging me, will you?
Just bring a date.

It's not the same thing.
I mean, we're a team.

You know,
like Abbott and Costello.

Starsky and Hutch.

Simon and Garfunkel.

Butch Cassidy
on the Sundance Kid.

Yeah, a team.
I know what a team is, Eddie.

Come on, man.
You're my best friend.

I mean, every memory I have
has you in it.

And if I go
to this reunion by myself,

it'll be like it never happened.

I'll be darned
if I'm going to weaken.

So come on.

Excuse me. Hmm.

Hi. Uh, it's--

- Hey, how you doing?
- Martin Tupper. How are you?

- Has Eddie Charles
signed in yet?
- No, he hasn't.

- You sure?
- Yeah, I know him.

- Thank you.
- Sure.

Martin! Martin Tupper!

Remember me?

Mitch Narlinger!

Ah!

- I haven't seen you in years.
- Yeah. Yeah.

Where's that
great looking wife of yours?

She's...

Gone with the wind.

...parking the car.

Yo, last I heard you were
writing a great American novel.

What ever happened with that?

- Well, actually, it's...
- Gone with the wind.

...being made into a movie.

In fact, I should call
my agent right now.

Okay.

Eddie Charles.
Hey, how you doing, bud?

- Uh, you remember Tiffany.
- Bud, of course.

Great to see you.

Hello. It's nice to meet you.

Could you excuse us
for just a minute?

Sure.

You brought a date.
How could you bring a date?

I-- I thought
we were a team, you know?

Butch and Sundance, right?

Well, they constantly had dates.

Besides, she's working
on my special.

What special?

Well, I thought
I'd tape the triumphant return

to my high school
and air it on my show.

The Eddie Charles
Home Sweet Homecoming, huh?

Great. That's just great.
And what am I supposed to do?

We didn't forget
about you, buddy.

We're thinking about doing,
like, a 30-second spot

where you talk about
what a great friend I am.

This is so fucking typical.

Then what are you
getting so upset for?

You ready?

You dirty traitor, you.

Mr. Tupper.

Keep your eyes
on your own paper.

♪ I dream of... ♪

Jeannie Gill.

For Mr. Sub's class.

That was my Mr. Sub imitation.

I--
I guess it needs work.

Oh, no. No, no, no.

No, I'm sorry. Hi.

Hi.

I'm sorry, I just
didn't think you'd be here.

But there you are.

Yeah.
Well, I'm in town on business.

And to finalize my divorce.

♪ Hallelujah, hallelujah ♪

Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.

Mm, well, you've obviously
never met my ex-husband.

Ooh, I like the way that sounds.

Ex-husband.

Anyway, look at you.

God.

And I thought
you were cute in high school.

♪ Hallelujah ♪

Thanks.

Thanks, you're looking
pretty cute yourself.

You're not leaving, are you?

Hmm? No, no, no, no, no.

I just got here.

- Well, would you--
- Yeah.

♪ Hallelujah ♪

And with 12 seconds left,
down by one,

the fans started chanting,

"Eddie, Eddie, Eddie."

So I answered the call.
I faked to the left.

- Then I--
- Oh, whoa.

Watch where
you're going, asshole.

Sorry, I, uh--

Why don't we try that again?

This is kind of embarrassing,

but I had the hugest crush
on you in high school.

Wow.

Me?

You had a-- a crush on me?

I mean, why--
why didn't you say something?

Well, I was too shy.

Finally, senior year,
I broke down,

and I asked Eddie
if you liked me.

And, well,
that's when I found out.

- Found out what?
- Well, you know.

No.

About you being gay.

Eddie told you I was gay?

Well, he was just
trying to protect you.

He thought that my flirting
might make you uncomfortable.

You know, you're really lucky
to have a friend like him.

That makes me so mad.

I-- I'm going to be
just right back, okay?

Okay.

So then I faked to the left,
and I drove gracefully--

You told Jeannie Gill I was gay?

No. Why would I?

Oh, uh, wait.

I might have mentioned
something to that effect.

I'm going
to fucking kill you, Eddie.

Me? You should kill her.
I swore her to secrecy.

You knew I was in love with her.
How could you do that to me?

Because you told Marcy Stewart

that I cheated on her
with, uh, uh, Ellen Jacobs.

Yeah, because I was
going out with Ellen Jacobs

when you slept with her.

Oh, yeah. That's right.

Uh, why don't we
turn off the cameras?

Okay, that's it.

You've been sitting on me
for 30 years, Eddie.

- I'm sick of it.
- Martin,
you're making a scene.

Here's your chance
to pay Eddie back.
You've got to go get them.

You want a scene?
You want a scene?

I'll give you a scene.

Hi there, I'm Martin Tupper,

and I'm here
with Eddie Charles, the big--

fat--

...jerk fuckface, who doesn't
care about anybody but himself.

Stop that-- you son of a bitch.

Cut it out! Come on, cut it out!

- Come here.
- Oh, my God.

I don't even like him.

My mother made me
be friends with him

because she thought
he was underprivileged.

But, you know what,
my mother's dead now,

so from now on,
I'm not his friend anymore,

and you shouldn't be either.

There's your stupid
30-second spot.

Oh, yeah? Oh, yeah?

Well, who needs you?

I'm loved by millions.
How many are you loved by?

Tens?

That camera is off, isn't it?

Oh, yeah. Absolutely.

She's gone forever?

Is everything okay?

Fine, I'm fine, but look, I--

I want you to know
I-- I'm not gay.

Oh, Martin, it's okay.

It's nothing to be ashamed of.

I know it's nothing
to be ashamed of,

but I'm-- I'm really not gay.

I like women, you know, a lot.

Wait, you're-- you're bi?

Bi enough.

No, no, no.

I'm not gay and I'm not bi.
I-- I--

Eddie made the whole thing up.

So you never gave
Mr. Romano a blowjob
to get out of gym class?

Forget about girls.

No, actually, I got an A in gym

based totally on athletic merit.

God, I can't believe it.

I wish
I had known this back then.

Well, I'm glad you know it now,

you know, for--

for future reference.

Hmm.

You want to dance?

Actually, why don't we...

- Get married.
- And have three kids.

All at once.

...take a walk, you know,
get-- get some air.

I'm talking
with one of my closest friends

from grade school
on Lowell Winger.

How you doing, buddy?

I'm sorry, I'm drawing a blank.
You're...

Eddie Charles.

TV star?

Pride of White Plains High.

I'm terrible with names.

What's all this for, anyway?

Uh, The Home Sweet Home Show.

Monday through Friday, 9:00 a.m.

Uh... [chuckles] ...I guess
you don't watch a lot of TV.

You're kidding?
All day, I'm unemployed.

Know who I love?
That Regis Philbin.

- There it is.
- Here we are.

Yeah.

Oh, boy.

- Look.
- Oh, it hasn't changed at all.

Oh, my God.

My name is still
scratched in the desk.

- Let me see.
- No, no, it's nothing, really.

It's my mistake.
Why don't we sit over there?

It's a little less drafty.

Oh, God.

You knew the fantasies
that ran through my head

during Mr. Sub's class?

Fantasies?

Oh, but-- Like what?

Well...

one of my favorites was...

I would drop my pencil,

and it would roll
under your desk,

and I would have
to crawl over and get it.

I can't believe
I'm telling you this.

No, no, no, no.

Go on. I mean, I'm...

...curious.

Well...

when I was down there,

I would notice
that your fly was open

on those faded jeans
with the patches.

Oh, God,
I loved you in those jeans.

Especially when you wore
that red flannel shirt.

So anyway, my-- my fly was open.

Oh, right.

So, um, I would reach up,

and I would zip it for you,
you know, common courtesy.

But you didn't have
any underwear on.

So,

out would pop your--

Your--

Your--

Penis?

Have you heard
this fantasy before?

Lucky guess.

So you were-- you were saying?

So, there would be your...

- penis.
- Thank you.

In all its glory.

And I would take off my shirt,

and I'd put it
between my breasts.

- Your shirt?
- Your penis.

Even better.

No, please.

Uh, Eddie, look.

Maybe you should just forget
about the old friend segment.

Eddie Charles.

Eddie Charles?

I can't believe it!
I can't believe it!

Nancy Caruso.

Oh, my old friend!

Boy, did we have some good times

that I'm sure all of America
would love to hear about.

Oh, this guy used to slay me.

Remember when you peed

in the football team's
Gatorade and then--

And then you blamed it on--
Oh, what was his name?

- Uh, Martin Tupper.
- Right.

Man, they beat
the shit out of him.

But wait, this is even better.

Remember...

...when you set the Spanish
Club's taco stand on fire,

and-- and then
they suspended that guy.

Oh, who was that?

- Martin Tupper.
- Right.

Man, you really
fucked that guy over!

You know, uh, I do impressions.

Isn't this weird?

I mean, here we are,
20 years later,

in exactly the same place,
both of us single...

Neither of us gay.

You know, it's like,

there's part of me
that wants to hold on

to this perfect fantasy
I have of you,

this ideal.

And the other part wants
to throw you on that desk

and fuck you silly.

Well, if it's a toss-up,
I-- I'm leaning
toward the desk thing.

Oops.

Ah, you sure got the life,
Mr. Martin.

Hey, bud, there you are.

- Get out of here.
- This is the worst.

Listen, you were right.
Uh, this reunion sucked.

What do you say
we just go back to my place

and watch some TV and just
forget all about tonight?

- Just go away, will you?
- Come on.

Listen, I got a new laser disc.

Sperminator 2 and Malcolm XXX.

We could zoom in on the--

Oh, hello.

I-- I didn't know
you had company.

- Maybe I should go.
- No! No, no, no, no.

No, just-- Don't go. He's going.

- You know.
- Yeah, wait, wait.

Listen, listen, Martin,
if you're upset about before,

I-- I'm sorry, man, but I will
make it up to you, all right?

Well, talk is cheap,
now beat it.

- What was that all about?
- Nothing.

This is not important.

Maybe we should go
somewhere else.

I have my automobile outside.

That lovely little lady
you've been waiting to see.

She's beautiful.
She's sensational.

She's the sweetheart
of the rodeo.

Oh, my God,
I want you inside of me.

Easy, sailor.
Don't go blowing your topper.

Oh, maybe we should
just slow this down a little.

No, no, let's do it right now
before I change my mind.

Well...

Well, it's too early,
way too early.

Are you all ready?

Here I come.

Oh, God!

Oh, God, I want you now.

Well, what do you know?
I'm out of gas.

It's-- It's sort of...

too late.

I guess I shook it too much.

You didn't.

This has never
happened before, really.

I mean, I'm actually
pretty good at this.

Get me a cat or a dog

or a horse or a lion
and I'll show you.

- Ask anyone.
- It's--
It's okay, Martin, really.

No, wait, wait, we--
we can do, like, other stuff.

I'll be ready like that.
Just ten minutes, tops.

This was probably a mistake.

And, oh,
there are people coming.

Just-- Five minutes, five--

Three. Three minutes.
Watch. Watch.

Come again, Martin. Come again.

I--

You got any jumper cables?

No, get out of here, will you?

Martin, I think
we should go inside.

I--

You go ahead.

I'll, uh, be in in a minute.

Out, damned spot.
Out, I say.

Hey, there you are.

Yeah, yeah, yeah,
Martin Tupper,
how are you doing?

I've been looking
all over for you.

I sort of feel like being
alone right now, do you mind?

I know what you mean,
I usually like
a little privacy too

after I fuck somebody's wife.

No, no, this can't happen to me.

- What?
- My wife, Jeannie.

I saw the way
you've been looking at her,

staring at her tits,
sizing them up.

All those who think he's guilty,

say so.

Guilty!

That's very, very funny,

but I really don't feel
like joking right now.

So fuck off.

- Hey, what do you--
- You think this is funny?

Huh?

Huh? How funny is this?

Is this funny?

Hey, is there a problem?

Yeah, this asshole's
been fucking my wife.

Holy shit, that's a gun.

He-- He's got a gun.

- No kidding.
- Hey.

You're Eddie Charles
from The Home Sweet Home Show.

That's right.

Uh, would you like
an autographed picture?

No, I hate that fucking show.

Get up against the wall
and shut up.

You'll never get away with this.
There--

There's a room
full of people here.

Help.

It's police business,
ladies and gentlemen.

Everything's under control.

You were saying?

Larry, what the hell
are you doing here?

- I've got a restraining order.
- Shut up.

I didn't sleep with her.
Believe me.

She-- She can
back me up on this.

Did you fuck this guy?

That's really
none of your business.

Female Benedict Arnold.

None of my business?

None of my business?

This is Phoenix all over again.

Going somewhere?

You fucked my wife.
So now I got to kill you.

No, wait, wait, wait.

There's no way that
he could have had sex with her

because he's gay.

- What?
- He's gay.

Uh, the sight
of a naked woman repulses him.

How the hell would you know?

Because, uh, I'm his lover.

So clever

that I am filled
with admiration.

That's right, Eddie.
We-- We can't keep our love
a secret any longer.

Start rolling.

We-- We had a little fight.

I-- I took him
for granted as usual.

And he tried to make me jealous
by flirting with a girl.

Yeah, yeah,
but I've accepted his apology.

So why don't we just
forgive and-- and forget?

What do you take me for?

An idiot?

So long, buddy.

Sorry, I won't be able
to tell you how it feels.

Don't shoot!

I-- If we weren't lovers,
would-- would we do this?

Oh, my God.

Hey, maybe we hit on something.

Well, that explains a lot.

Isn't that the guy
who blew Mr. Romano

to get out of gym class?

It's enough.
I'm not going to watch this.

Yes, Eddie, that is enough.

- For now.
- Come on.

Let's continue this at home.

Oh, my God. Did he buy it?

I don't know.
Just keep walking
and put your hand on my ass.

Oh, my God.

That stuff
I said before I kissed you

about taking you for granted,
I meant it, man.

- You deserve better.
- You saved my life, Eddie.

Not many people'd do
what you did.

You're my best friend, and I--

I love you.

Yeah, well,
I love you too, Eddie.

- Uh, Martin?
- Yeah.

You can take
your hand off my ass now.

I think this is the beginning
of a beautiful friendship.

Hey, Martin, come on! Let's go.