Original subtitles

I love you.

I love you.

And you'll-- you'll never...

No, no. Never.

...let anybody...

Nobody...

...come between us or interfere...

...or nothing. Nobody. Ever.

Those people!

It's after 12:00.

I'm sorry. It's late and I'm very tired.

It's been going on for a week. You know, I can't sleep. I can't function.

- Well, have you spoken to them? - I haven't even seen them.

For all I can tell, they never get out of bed. You know, I--

I don't know what I'm gonna do.

You could always move in with me.

- What? - I can't live without you anymore.

All of the others meant nothing to me.

Richard, Jack Kennedy, Bobby Kennedy, George Kennedy.

It's you I love.

I love you too.

- And you'll never... - No. No, never.

...let anyone come between us or interfere...

Nothing. Nobody. Ever.

Oh...

Those people. It's after 12:00.

Martin. Martin.

Martin. Martin. Martin. Martin. Martin. Martin.

Martin. Martin.

Martin. Martin.

Martin! Martin!

What? What?

Is this a nightmare, or have I gone goofy?

- What? - I just wanted to tell you I'm going home.

You're not going. We have a lot of work to do.

It's 5:00. If you wanted to do work, you shouldn't have slept all day.

Holy shit. Why didn't you wake me?

You wouldn't have let me go to Met game.

I'm living a nightmare, the darndest nightmare a man ever lived.

I can't kiss you with sound effects.

They can't do this.

Oh, babe!

Shut up. Shut up. Shut the hell up!

- Who is it? - It's Martin Tupper in 502.

Now what the hell--

- You must be the new neighbor. - I'm guessing you're not the welcome wagon.

I'm Laura North.

Hi, Laura.

Uh, I hate to complain, it's just the-- the noise.

I'm sorry. It's my roommate.

She, uh...

She entertains a lot.

Bob Hope never entertained this much.

I can't stand that guy.

Well, I'll talk to her in the morning.

In the meantime, why don't we just go back to...

lying awake all night?

- Nice meeting you. - Uh, I'm up and you're up.

You want a cup of coffee or something?

Are you asking me for a date?

Uh, sure. Sure. You can call it a date.

Okay.

Chummy little neighborhood you got around here.

You think that's bad?

I once lived next door to the guy who played the organ at Yankee Stadium.

He practiced day and night.

How tough is...

- Well, how hard is that? - Exactly.

That's what I hate about New York.

You're never more than six feet from another person.

Or 72 feet away from a serial killer.

Although serial killers are generally quiet

and tend to keep to themselves, right?

Um... so it's getting late.

Well, I assume you didn't invite me over here just for coffee.

Oh, I'm sorry. Would you like a Danish?

I was thinking we should go to bed.

Fine.

Fine, we can have a Danish later.

Howdy, neighbor. Just rustling up some waffles.

Oh, how sweet.

Well.

Listen, before we eat, I was thinking maybe we should...

Laura, I'd love to, but...

I'm only human.

I really have to get to work.

No, actually, I meant settle up.

- Total comes to $540. - Excuse me?

It's 100 for the blow job, 200 for the straight sex,

200 to stay the night, and 40 for the little hand thing.

You really got me going for a second there.

What do you want? You want syrup or powdered sugar?

I want cash, but I'll take a check.

No, no, no, no, no.

You see, if I pay you money, that means you're a...

- A prostitute. - A harlot. - A hoe.

We prefer the term "professional."

- I can't believe this. - Oh, don't pull this.

You asked me on a date at 4:00 in the morning and I said yes.

What did you think I was, some kind of a slut?

How could I have possibly known you were a-- a hooker?

Well, I knew you were a book editor.

Don't you take any interest in your neighbors?

A wise guy.

Okay, you want $540? Fine.

Well, I'm a professional waffle toaster. You see this?

$2,000. So you owe me 1,460.

If you're gonna be an asshole,

just forget the money, okay?

Call it a kind of reverse housewarming gift.

Oh, gee, and I didn't get you anything.

Tell your roommate to put a muzzle on it or I'll--

- Or you'll what? - I'll...

Phone the manager, darling.

Hunter Owens Management. Irwin Bader, Esquire. Speaking.

Yes, hi. This is Martin Tupper. I'm in apartment 502.

Mr. Tupper, cockroaches are an everyday fact of apartment life,

which we at Hunter Owens have combated by taking all steps minimally required by law.

No, no, no, this is not about cockroaches.

I have prostitutes living in my building.

Well, I'm no exterminator,

but I don't believe we can spray for that.

- Very funny. - Excruciating.

I'm serious. I-- I want them out. I cannot live like this.

There's traffic in the hallways at all hours. There's constant noise.

- It's outrageous! - Mr. Tupper, do you have any evidence

that they are, in fact, prostitutes?

I slept with one, and she tried to charge me $540.

That is outrageous.

- Yeah. - If I were you, I wouldn't pay it.

Don't be humorous.

Look, are you gonna do something about this or not?

Mr. Tupper, we cannot go around evicting people based on

the word of a man who frequents prostitutes.

- What are you-- - However, while I have you on the phone,

I see by my records that you're due for a rent increase.

Can you believe this?

It's Sunday. Don't they ever take a day off?

Shh. I wanna hear this.

What do they have, a mule in there?

I can take it as well as the next mule,

but there's a limit to everything.

You see? You see what I have to live with?

Well, personally, I'm jealous.

The only thing in my building is a dry cleaner.

I'm coming.

I'm coming. I'm coming. Jesus fucking Christ.

I'm sorry, Father.

I'm here to see Mary Catherine.

- Who? - Hey, over here.

Sorry.

Nuns tell me you've been a very bad girl.

May I have a word with you, please?

Keep it in your pants, Padre. She'll be right with you.

What do you want? I've got paying customers waiting for me.

Yeah, and I'd appreciate

if they'd stop knocking on my door.

I'm sorry. They got the wrong apartment number

on our promotional calendars.

But we should have it straightened

out in a couple of weeks.

Hi. Need some help with your homework?

Martin, aren't you gonna introduce me to your friend?

Oh, how rude of me. Eddie Charles, hooker.

Hooker, Eddie Charles. Thanks for stopping by.

Tell me, how does an asshole like you wind up with a kid as sweet as Jeremy?

He's your son, and we can save him.

What can I get for, uh...

11.50?

You can watch me eat this sandwich.

- Cool. - Jeremy!

Jeremy, what the hell are you doing here?

Uh, nothing. Can I borrow $100 for the movies?

Go home! Go home! Go home!

- Martin, take it easy. - Don't tell me how to take it.

I'm sick of this bullshit. I'm gonna call the cops.

Oh, I'll save you the trouble. Joe, call the police.

- What? - Stan?

You got a problem, pal?

You've really come up with something.

Yes, I do. What's your badge number?

I'm gonna report you to your captain.

I'll save you the trouble. Yo, Captain.

Captain!

Oh, there is no justice.

Oh, just forget it.

What are you doing? Go home! Go home!

As they say in my business, do come again.

I'm gonna get rid of you people.

Oh, we could get rid of you, asshole.

- What? - We could expand into your place.

Then we won't have to reprint these.

You fucked with the wrong guy.

And that's war!

Blow me.

Open fire.

We are surrounded by sinners

in full decay and perversion to their demon ways.

Condemn them to the fiery pits of eternal damnation!

Yeah!

Oh!

He's firing.

Greetings. Irwin Bader, Esquire. Hunter Owens Management.

- Yes. - Victory is ours.

- So you got the petition? - Yes, but Miss Feinberg normally handles petitions.

- I'll call her first thing in the morning. Now-- - She's no longer with the firm.

- This, however, is for you. - What's this?

Form H0-17C. Written notice of warning prior to written notice of eviction.

- What did I do? - Don't play coy with me, Tupper.

It's all right there. Excessive noise, harassment of tenants.

That's not right.

- Thank you. - Harassment.

There's one R, two S's.

Why don't you help me?

There we go.

Hunter Owens thanks you for your next and possibly

last rent payment due promptly on the first.

This is absurd. You talk about lease violations? Just take a walk down there.

If you want me to investigate that matter,

you'll have to schedule an appointment.

Just turn around, get to see what's going on. Look!

- I'm afraid I'm not allowed to. - Okay.

- I am officially scheduling an appointment. - Okay.

Let's see. How's three weeks from Tuesday?

- How's right now? - Well, for that,

I'm afraid you'd have to request an emergency inspection.

- Please. - There's a $75 processing fee.

- Fine. - And a $40 transportation fee.

- You're already here. - Ah, but I wouldn't have been.

I surrender! I surrender!

- Fine. - All right, sir.

Just sign here.

Okay. And here.

- I want you-- - Initial there.

- All righty. - Let's go.

Hi. How are you?

Okay.

Hello, asshole. Can I help you?

Um, Irwin Bader, Esquire. Hunter Owens Management.

Forgive the intrusion, but Mr. Tupper here claims

you're running a brothel which would be

a clear violation of lease paragraph twelve

commonly referred to as the world's oldest clause.

This is it. You are finished.

I'll show them they can't fiddle around with old Firefly.

Look at this. Exhibit A.

Men lining up to-- to lay their money down.

Mr. Bader, there are no lease provisions that say

I can't have friends over to watch movies.

Bullshit! This is a waiting room.

Even if it were, I don't see anyone evicting Dr. Strauss from apartment 105.

She's got you there.

Send reinforcements immediately.

Look at this. Look at this. Does Dr. Strauss have these?

- Huh? Does he? - It's a decorating choice.

- What are you-- - Uh, Mr. Tupper,

if we could evict someone for bad taste, you would have been out years ago.

What are you talking about?

Got a Persian rug with a crushed velour couch.

Yikes.

Our men are being badly beaten in open warfare.

Laura, could you sign for these?

Look at this. There's 50,000 condoms.

- What does that tell you? - They were on sale.

Good for you, Miss North. Safe and frugal.

Gentlemen, this is the last straw.

What is wrong with you?

What does it take to get somebody evicted?

Believe me, Mr. Tupper. Nothing would make me happier

than welcoming a new tenant.

At the 5% rent increase allowed by law.

But sadly, I see no clear violations of the lease.

- What? - Oh, Martin. I really feel for you, you know.

I'd like to help however I can.

So, look, this is the real estate section.

Don't rule out Brooklyn till you've looked.

You realize our army is facing disastrous defeat? What do you intend to do about it?

Hey, easy. Please!

Oh, Tupper.

- Shut up, you idiot! - Unhand me, you fornicator!

Oh, my God!

What is this? I am shocked, Miss North.

You see? You see? I told you.

Lease paragraph eleven. Grounds for immediate eviction.

Subparagraph F, water beds.

Subparagraph F, exactly my point.

Maybe we could work something out.

Out is right. You'll be out by the 15th.

Don't rule out Brooklyn till you've looked.

Victory is ours!

And Tupper, I'm keeping my eye on you.

Ah!

Easy! Easy!

Ah...

Ah...

Ah, here we go again.

What do you want?

I do hope you'll come over often now that we're to be neighbors.

Nothing. Truly sorry. Welcome to the building.