Original subtitles

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

♪ Happy birthday dear Duckie ♪

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

How you doing?

♪ Happy birthday Dear Duckie... ♪

Morning Toby. Wow.

- You look nice. - Thank you.

Well today's a big day.

Today we pay tribute to a very special man.

That's very sweet of you to remember my birthday Toby.

You think I got dressed up for you?

I'm going to the Richard Stone Memorial Service.

What? I thought that was tomorrow.

Tomorrow? What gave you that idea?

You wrote it on my calendar.

Hmm. I guess I made a mistake.

What are the odds of that?

100%.

Oh, by the way, there's a surprise

waiting for you in your office.

- Rich gifts. - Balloons, balloons.

And this is to my good friend, Marty.

The upstairs pipes exploded. Happy birthday.

I'm celebrating the happiest day of my life.

It is said that with every end there is a beginning.

And so today with a heavy heart

humanity begins life, if you will,

in the post-Stone age.

From the four corners of the globe,

the best and the brightest from all fields,

politics, the arts, sciences, sports and entertainment,

convene at the United Nations to pay their final tribute

to the best and brightest of us all,

Dr. Richard Stone.

I'll never forget Richard Stone.

It was the '84 Olympics

and I was just about to do my last vault.

And he came to me having just won

the gold medal in the triple jump

and he said, "Mary Lou,

everything you're doing is perfect.

But after you stick your landing, smile."

Six months later I was on the Wheaties box.

So long, Richard.

You always get a perfect ten in my heart.

This is so moving.

Just like the end of Brian's Song.

They had to do this on my birthday.

The guy's frozen solid.

- He'll keep. - Shh.

- What are you doing? - Pretend you're my date.

Ted Kennedy's making eyes at me.

- Oh, stop it. - Shh.

Come on, let's get out of here. We'll grab a quick dinner before the game.

Actually, we're not going to the game.

I sort of gave your ticket to Alec Baldwin.

- Sort of? - I met him in the lobby.

I've been dying to have him on my show.

Apparently he's looking to plug his new line of natural juices.

I don't believe you. This is my birthday.

Martin, it's Alec.

The best Baldwin. He's a major star.

Right, besides being your best friend, what am I?

I knew you'd understand.

This should have been the happiest day of my life.

Forget it. Just forget it. This birthday's a total write-off.

Would you come on? It's just one birthday.

You'll have other birthdays to celebrate.

And from this day forward,

June the 22nd will be known

as the International Day of Sorrow.

It will be commemorated worldwide

by 24 hours of fasting and reflections.

All businesses will see...

Jude, I'm sorry. I can't stay. I have to go...

finish some things at the office.

- I'll call you later. - No, no, no, don't go.

I really need you now.

Oh, I've been waiting a long time

to hear you say that.

Jude, whatever you need, I--

I'm here for you.

Oh, great.

Could you change little Richard for me?

- What? - I have to introduce Paul, George, and Ringo.

They were very close with Richard.

Apparently, he was the walrus.

Jude!

Here's his little diaper bag.

Just don't forget to put lots of Balmex on his little bottom.

Excuse me.

It's okay. Excuse me.

Excuse me.

Okay, okay, take it easy, will you?

What does she feed you anyway?

It stinks.

Excuse me, this is the men's room.

I know.

I've been watching you all afternoon.

- Really? - Uh-huh.

And I've been thinking one thing.

I want you right here, right now.

Magnetism.

Boy, I'm loaded with it.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

This is one of those birthday strippergrams.

- Eddie put you up to this, didn't he? - Nope.

Oh, God, I don't think this is the time or place for this.

- Why not? - There's a baby here in the urinal,

and why don't I just take your number?

Hey, take it easy, will you? It's my favorite jacket.

- I'll buy you a new one. - Hey! Hey, hey.

Wait a minute. I know you.

What?

Couple years ago you pitched me The Casino Heist Book.

Aaron something.

Oh, yeah. How you doing?

You're fucking strangling me.

Richard was like a father to me.

More than that, we had a great influence on each other.

Stone theory of cosmic expansion

is probably about my basketball.

Can I talk to you for a minute, Jeremy?

Sure, Mom. Lean on me. I'm your rock.

I'm busy here. Can you give me five minutes?

Have you seen your father?

He has the baby, and I can't find him anywhere.

- Oh. - Oh.

We're fucked, Jane. We're fucked.

Shh. Not in front of the baby.

We should've just left the guy there.

We couldn't. He knows who you are.

So it's my fault that I have a memorable face,

that I have charisma?

Just relax. Remember the three P's?

Hmm? Paint a positive picture.

Spare me the Pollyanna crap.

You sound just like Mom.

Oh, gosh. Where am I?

Where's the baby?

Oh, baby's fine.

- What the hell's going on here? - We kidnapped you.

You are in trouble. You are in big trouble.

You two don't realize who you're dealing with.

People are going to be looking for me.

Did Mr. Tupper seem upset or agitated?

No. Well, no more than usual.

He's always that way.

You know, actually, he was whining a lot about having a shitty birthday.

Ah! God, today was his birthday?

There's probably a surprise birthday party going on right now,

and when I don't show up, people are going to start asking a lot of questions.

How would you describe Tupper's demeanor at work?

Was he disgruntled?

Anonymous? Impudent?

I'd say D, all of the above.

- Was he a loner? - Oh, sure,

but not necessarily by his own choice.

So what channel is this going to be on?

I happen to be a respected member of this community.

Not to mention a close,

personal friend of Richard Stone's.

Your ex-husband resented Richard Stone, did he not?

No, no, no.

Maybe he was a little jealous,

but, I mean, who wouldn't be?

I understand Tupper is a failed writer.

Not failed. Unpublished.

What are you getting at?

Well, Dr. Stone had considerable success as a writer.

Did he not?

Well, he won a few Pulitzer's,

and, well, the Nobel Prize for fiction,

but really writing was just-- just a hobby for him.

You do realize that 99.9%

of all kidnappers get caught?

- Where'd you hear that? - Uh...

- I invented it. - ...60 minutes.

Oh, first of all, silly, we are not going to get caught.

We ran it past everyone in our workshop,

and no one could punch a hole in it.

Do you have a kidnapper's workshop?

Actually, it's a writing workshop.

We're screenwriters, which is why even if we do get caught...

- Which we won't. - ...we're way ahead of the game,

because we finally get to sell our screenplay.

And we can name our price.

120 pages of solid gold.

This is all for a screenplay?

Oh, no, yesterday was a screenplay.

Today is a true story ripped from tomorrow's headlines.

No, no, no, tomorrow's headlines are "Deranged brother and sister

screenwriting kidnappers go to prison."

What prison? Nobody goes to prison anymore.

- Did Tonya Harding go to prison? - Ow.

Did Lorena Bobbitt go to prison?

Did Oliver North go to prison?

In fact, when we sell the screenplay,

I might even run for the fucking Senate.

We interrupt this program for a special report.

There has been a break in the Stone baby kidnapping.

When the cops get here in about an hour,

we'll see who's going to go to prison.

Police have issued a warrant for the arrest of this man,

Martin Lewis Tupper, disgruntled book editor

and embittered ex-husband of the widow, Judith Stone.

- What? - Tupper was the individual last seen with the Stone baby...

I'm sorry. Who's going to prison?

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

Fuck!

That is crazy.

I mean, Martin didn't kidnap his own godchild.

Mr. Stone, we have a lot of experience with cases like this,

and Tupper fits the profile.

Divorced, disgruntled, failed artist.

Feelings of persecution.

He's a ticking time bomb.

No, no, no, no, no, no. You do not know Martin.

Now, granted, he may be a lot of those things, but he is not a kidnapper.

- Hello? - Judith, it's Martin.

Oh, it's Martin! Oh, thank God, thank God.

Where are you? What happened?

I kidnapped little Richard.

You what?

I'll call you with further instructions.

I am going to kill him.

It's the second day of the Stone baby kidnapping,

and we're speaking with the divorced parents

to alleged kidnapper, Martin Lewis Tupper.

Sir, before the break, you were saying?

It's all your fault.

You planted him in front of a TV all day,

filling his head full of all kinds of crazy ideas.

Me, who's the one who bought him all those toy guns?

I had to toughen him up after all the coddling she did.

He had special needs.

He had trouble controlling himself.

He wet the bed 'til he was eight years old.

I was five! And you're the one who made me drink

a big glass of apple juice before bedtime.

She said it would help me sleep.

...Captain Bob's weather when Rise and Shine continues.

Growing up with a kidnapping dad

must have been pretty uncool.

Did he ever do anything to you?

Well, once when I was really little,

he pulled me out of bed, he dragged me down the stairs,

and he said, "We're hitting the road."

I said, "Dad, I don't want to go.

I don't want to go."

And he said, "Just get in the car

and keep your mouth shut."

I took him to the Air and Space Museum.

He had the time of his life. I had to drag him out of there.

I wake up screaming.

That must have been horrifying.

Now, what's the next video, Jeremy?

Well, I'd like to send this one out to my dad.

It's the Pretenders with their classic video, "Back on the Chain Gang."

Miss Pedalbee, you worked with Martin Lewis Tupper

every day for 12 years.

Does this tragic event come as a surprise to you?

Not at all, Maury. I saw it coming a mile away.

Martin was like a turtle ready to snap.

- Could you give us an example? - I'd love to, Maury.

One day in the office, I accidentally spilled

a pot of boiling coffee in his lap.

And for no reason, he started screaming like--

like some kind of lunatic.

Maury, I should have known then.

I should have had him put away before it was too late.

So what do you think, audience?

Should Miss Pedalbee have had Tupper locked up?

Good morning, New York, it's day three of the Stone baby kidnapping,

and the big question, where is Martin Lewis Tupper?

Mmm, smooth as baby Richard's bottom.

That baby is amazing.

I gave him Legos, and he made a full-scale model

of the Suez Canal with working locks.

Yeah, well, it's not like you can take ships through it.

I fixed your ransom speech.

What's wrong with my version?

"One false move, and the baby gets it?"

Who you writing for, the frog from Courageous Cat and Minute Mouse?

That is how criminals talk.

That is classic noir. Am I right, Martin?

You're both crazy.

Uh, I'd h-- I'd have to see it in context.

You have no ear for dialogue, and you know why? Because you don't listen.

I listen. I listen all the time. I do listening exercises.

Sometimes I spend five or six hours

standing around the lobby of a building. You know what I do?

- You listen? - I listen.

Martin's an editor. Let's let him decide which version's best.

What the hell does he know? He turned down The Casino Heist and it was gold.

Just let him decide. At least he'll be impartial.

Okay, fine. You big baby.

- You are the big baby. - No, you are--

- You are the biggest baby ever. - Baby, baby. Okay.

- Here. - Oh, no. No, no, no.

Which one do you like the best?

And be brutally honest. I can handle it.

Hers or mine?

Eenie, meenie, miney, mo.

Well, they're both very, very good in their own way.

But if I was forced to choose,

I-- I guess I'd have to go with...

Aaron's.

Oh, like that's really fair. You got a gun in the guy's face.

Do this gun have anything to do with your decision?

Oui, Monsieur. Ja. Sì, sì, senor.

English translation, yes.

No. No, no. Not at all.

I didn't think so.

Hey.

How are you holding up?

Oh, I'm just peachy.

My husband's frozen stiff. My baby's been kidnapped.

I'm just having a gay old time.

Listen, the next couple of days are gonna be pretty rough.

I mean, you're not gonna have any privacy.

People are gonna try to take advantage of you.

I just want you to know that I'm gonna be right here for you.

Day and night if necessary.

Thanks, Eddie.

That really means a lot to me.

You know, since I'm gonna be here anyways,

do you think it'd be all right if I did my show live from your kitchen?

- What? - Oh, come on.

It's not like you ever cook in it.

Just give it some thought.

Uh, never mind.

This is Martin Lewis Tupper.

I have baby Stone here with me.

And--

We need help, he and I have been held prisoners.

And he's in perfect health.

For now.

Here are my instructions.

I want you to...

Save me. Save me.

...to put $3 million in unmarked,

non-sequential $100 bills

in a briefcase.

Then...

Help!

Cut. Cut. Cut.

What's with the faces?

Faces? What faces?

You look scared. Now, come on. You're a kidnapper.

Confident, dangerous, in control.

Let's take it from the top.

I thought that was very real, a desperate man

driven to desperate ends like Pacino in Dog Day Afternoon.

- That's what I was going for. - Fabulous.

Quiet on the set.

Pick up the baby, please. All right. Pick up the baby.

I'm gonna pick up the baby.

Concentrate, you wimp.

- Act like a man. - Act like a man, huh?

- Action. - This is Martin Lewis Tupper.

I have baby Stone here with me,

and he's in perfect health.

For now.

Here are my instructions.

I want you to put $3 million in unmarked,

non-sequential $100 bills in a briefcase.

How can this be happening?

What kind of sick fuck is he?

I swear to God, I should take him out right now.

Bob! Take it easy.

You just got your gun back.

Should we call? Maybe we should call, huh?

Should we call? Yeah, to see if they got the tape, let's call.

I think we should call. Maybe we should call. Should we call?

Did you forget your medication?

Oh, yeah. Thank you.

I gotta get some real food.

If I have any more strained vegetables, I'm gonna kill somebody.

Don't look at me!

Actually, food is a great idea. I'm pretty hungry myself.

I'm sorry. You're hungry, too?

What can I get you?

- Uh... - How about a nice, big, juicy steak?

- Some lobster and some strawberry ice cream? - Kumquat.

- Well-- - You think I fucking care what you want?

You'll eat what I give you.

I'll be back.

Later.

Don't worry, I won't let him kill you.

I'd appreciate that.

Wait a minute, Archie.

There may be a way out.

You know, now that he's gone, I--

I thought your ransom speech was brilliant.

- Much, much better than his. - Really?

Did you get the parallel imagery?

You know, baby Stone in the Meadowlands,

and baby Moses in the bullrushes?

Get it? It brought tears to my eyes.

It's obvious you've got all the talent.

I mean, you're Simon. He's Garfunkel.

You're George Michael. He's...

that other guy from Wham!

Finally, someone understands.

It's always Aaron, Aaron-- Do you know what it's like

to live in someone's shadow? Do you?

To feel small and insignificant, like you have no value at all?

The story of my life.

You shouldn't feel that way.

You're-- You're beautiful and intelligent

and-- and you've got a gift.

A real gift.

Oh, from the moment I laid eyes on you,

before I chloroformed you,

I felt that we had this connection.

But not really a connection.

See, it was more like a-- It felt like a--

- A bond? - A bond, exactly.

God, we are so in sync.

Huh? It's like you're in my head.

I'd crawl up and live in there if I could.

Oh, my-- Martin.

Why don't you take off my handcuffs?

I like it better this way.

Good try. But it's not good enough.

No fucking money.

You fucking idiot!

You stupid fuck!

Where's the telephone?

- Oh, Jane. - May I use your phone?

Oh, Martin, it's so great to be with someone

who finally understands me.

- Me too. - Whoa.

Talk dirty to me.

In Spanish.

I-- I don't know any Spanish.

Give me the chief of police.

Oh, God. I'm so glad I was kidnapped.

Me too.

This just feels so good, God.

Help me, God. Help me.

Come, baby. Make me scream.

Oh, well, I'll make you scream so loud,

everyone in Leonia, New Jersey will hear you.

Yes. Yes.

I never knew sex in a warehouse could feel so good.

Oh, God. Help me.

I-- I think I'm going to-- Come soon.

I'm going to-- Come soon.

Help me find the way.

What the hell's going on here?

I'm going to fucking kill you.