Original subtitles

Anybody hungry?

Bangle girl!

Good morning, Toby, butter on roll?

Nah, I have a buttered roll every day.

I'm in the mood for something different.

Oh, you know what I'm in the mood for?

You know, one of those things, they're about this long.

- A Crueler. - No, no, no.

It's like one of those things,

you know, they're kind of sweet

and has some kind of cheese in it--

- A cheese Danish? - No, no, it's Italian.

You know, you get them at the Saint Gennaro Festival. You know, they come like a tube.

- A cannoli! - Yeah, that's it. A cannoli.

- That's what I want. - I don't have any cannolis.

Oh... I have a buttered roll then.

Good morning, Mr. Tupper.

Would you like anything for breakfast?

Oh, uh, what do you recommend?

Well, we've got bagels or muffins.

Or I've got these.

Wow!

Wait, wait, uh, hello, Toby.

Whoa!

Time to make the donuts.

Come on, come on, not here.

Why? Would it be a problem if people knew

you were doing the bagel girl?

Shh!

I'm sorry, you're just so cute.

Sweet are the compliments from a pretty young girl in the ears of an old man.

Look, tonight after work

we can make all the donuts you want.

I can't. I have to study for my comparative lit midterm.

Midterm? Right.

Uh, well, I majored in English.

You know, if you want, I can help you study.

As in any average city, the older generation

believes in educating the younger generation.

All right, let's talk about the theme of redemption in Henry Miller.

Forget Henry Miller.

You sure you shouldn't be studying?

I'm taking the course pass/fail.

No matter, I'm interested in your physical prowess, not your brain.

Uh...

- Come on! - It's stuck, Stu,

but you think you could do better, you give it a try.

Thank you.

Maybe I should go get a...

- Red and white? - School colors.

They were giving them away at the student union.

Let me have your attention, class, please.

This is the assignment for tomorrow.

Please copy it in your notebooks.

Oh.

Say, you're a little advanced in your lessons.

I've been studying a little on the side.

This looks like an ordinary piece of toast.

And it is, except that it, and everything else here

is made with atomic electricity.

Sort of took it all out of you, huh?

Oh, why not? You kiss like a vacuum cleaner.

I think I had my first multiple orgasm.

Although I'm not totally sure how you tell.

You're asking the wrong person.

I have mine. One at a time.

Class dismissed.

Dad! Left the chain on.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God, quick.

Get dressed! Get dressed! It's my son.

What's going on?

- Oh! - Are you okay?

Okay. My legs are asleep.

Dad? Dad, what's going on?

"Crazy legs" Martin.

Martin, is everything all right?

Oh, fuck! It's my ex-wife.

Uh... Hold on. I just got out of the shower.

Coming.

Hold on.

Ow!

Sorry.

- You okay? - Yeah.

- Hi. - Hi.

Hi.

Uh, Judith, Jeremy, this is my--

- I don't know. - ...friend Julie.

Oh, my God. You go to Wagner?

- Uh-huh. - You're kidding?

I went to Wagner. Who are your teachers?

Well, let's see. I have Herman for social studies,

Feeder for music.

Feeder. Oh, my God. He's horrible.

Do you like video games? I just got Enviro-man.

- Look, Jeremy-- - How are the graphics?

Oh, it's awesome: 6 bit. Come on. You got to see it.

Yeah. She seems... perky.

Does she?

Martin, what are you doing?

I'm babysitting right now.

- What do you mean? - How old is she?

She's in her 20s.

Oh, really? How far in?

Just three weeks.

She'll be 28.

- Eventually. - Martin, don't get me wrong.

I find all of this very interesting.

Professionally, I mean.

It's sort of a Lolita fixation, Electra complex,

Peter Pan syndrome all rolled into one.

Look, she's young.

Okay, she's very young, but she's smart and funny.

And I know it's not going anywhere,

but we're just having fun.

Well, I think it's great, as long as you're happy.

Uh, listen, do you think that I could borrow

this relationship for a postdoctoral paper?

Don't worry, I won't use your name or anything.

Just... think about it.

If the good Lord had wanted women to be doctors,

he would have fixed it so men could have babies.

This is your mom's apartment, isn't it?

- Or are we just stealing this stuff? - Sure you're okay with that?

No problem.

My aching back.

Just got to get a better grip.

Maybe we shouldn't, you know, here.

Why? Are you afraid we're going to get grounded?

What are you doing here?

I live here? This is apartment two, isn't it?

Oh, yes, it is. Who are you?

Very funny, mother.

Mother?

And who is this older gentleman who's not your father?

Uh, hi. I'm, um... Martin Dupper.

Martin, this is my mother.

"Fantastish."

It's nice to meet you, Mrs. Gower.

- Martin's my new boyfriend. - Oh, I see.

What happened to the skinhead with a swastika tattoo?

Would you stop calling it a swastika? It was an "S."

We broke up, like, a month ago.

Why, did he violate his parole?

You see, we have this little game. It's called "shock mom."

You win again.

Excuse me, I have some things to put away.

Here, let me give you a hand with those.

I think you have your hands full already.

Can I get you kids anything to drink? Some tang, maybe.

Great. Great. Do you have any crazy Straws?

Ah! I like this one. He's got a sense of humor.

Excuse me. Where did your kids meet?

Want some ice cream, Judy?

We met at work, actually.

- Really? You sell bagels? - Mom!

Tell me about yourself, Martin.

Me? Mother, father, dead. Live alone. 27 years old.

Unmarried. Dye Tool maker. Well paid.

Work out at the YMCA twice a week.

Wish I was a carnival acrobat.

I'm a book editor in Whitestone Publishing.

Oh, I know it. Does Linda Perry still work there?

Yes! Yes, she does. She's right down the hall from me.

I see her every day. Yeah, I love Linda. How do you know her?

I'm suing her. I catered to party for in March and she still hasn't paid me.

I'll tell her you say hello.

If you're through embarrassing me,

I think we'll go now. Ready, Martin?

What if I decide to stay?

Yeah, okay. Maybe I'll see you around sometime.

Sure. Maybe next time I'll get to meet your mom.

Great. We can all go to the zoo.

Okay, time to go. Bye, mom.

Don't forget to buckle up.

I'll have her home by 11:00.

There are mothers, and then there are mothers.

Gina, you're wrong.

You shut up. How much you want to bet?

Make it 20.

You're on.

- Excuse me, Toby. - Wait a second. I'll ask Martin.

Who is the taller guy? Starsky or Hutch?

- Hutch. - See? Told you.

He is not stupid.

You owe me 20 bucks. I'll call you later.

What do you want? Can't you see I'm busy here?

Toby, I'm done for the night, so...

Yeah. You're free to leave.

Well, thank you, master.

Someday I'll repay you for my freedom.

You put in one heck of a day.

Now, I think you should just go home.

Go! Go ahead. Go.

Martin, why should I go home and run up my phone bill

when I can stay here, make calls for free and get paid overtime?

- Where's your business sense? - Now, look.

- Oh, hi. - Hello.

Don't I know you from somewhere?

I never forget a face.

Wait a second, you're the bagel girl.

She's the bagel girl.

So where ya' bagels?

Oh.

Now I know who gets all the cannolis.

Excuse us.

So, what do you want to do?

I don't know. You know, just... Whatever.

It was fun meeting your mom yesterday.

Fun? That was fun?

Well, not like carnival fun, but...

Ha, uh-uh. Anyway.

I was thinking we could go out for a nice,

expensive, romantic dinner. Your treat.

You know, I'm not really hungry.

Did she say anything about me?

About us? I mean, dating, or me just in general.

No. Do you want to go see a movie?

Yeah, sure.

Hey, you know, your mom must have been very young when she had you.

- Yeah, 18. Why? - Just curious.

You know, I'm interested in anything that has to do with you.

So... Your mom never remarried, huh?

Does she date a lot? And is that hard for you?

No, she doesn't. And no, it's not.

Okay. Okay. Just making conversation.

So, What movie do you want to see?

- Let's see. Something scary. - Okay.

Not too scary.

Wuss.

I was thinking maybe you'd like to ask your mom to join us.

Why?

In my case, it's very simple, Julie. I'm a man in love.

Since we got off on the wrong foot, I thought it'd be a nice gesture.

But, hey, it's just an idea.

And as far as I'm concerned,

she can go see her own fucking movies.

They don't usually put living people on stamps,

but the postmaster general made an exception for Richard.

Not the most flattering picture I've ever seen.

Look, Jude, I'd like to ask your advice about something.

I think I'm going to break up with Julie.

That's terrible!

I'm only halfway through my paper.

I'm sorry to disappoint you.

What's the problem? Is it the age difference?

Does she ultimately make you feel older instead of younger?

Actually, and here's where I'm curious about your opinion.

I think I have a crush on her mother.

My God! First the daughter and now the mother?

Jesus, Martin. I hope they don't have any pets.

Yes, that's the insight I was looking for. Thank you.

- I'm sorry. - Sheesh.

I've only met her once,, but I thought she was terrific.

I'd like to ask her out, but obviously I don't want to hurt the daughter.

I don't want the mother to think I'm asking her just because she's the mother.

Like I have some kind of mother thing, which I don't.

Uh... Can I just take a few notes here?

Might be a grant in this.

Hi, Martin.

Mmm! Toothpaste.

I'm really glad you invited me over

because my roommate put the hanger on the door.

I think she's going to lose her virginity tonight.

So what's on TV?

Uh...

Look, Julie, I don't think we should watch TV right now.

What do you want to do?

I don't think we should do that, either.

Do what?

Where did I leave my keys?

Julie.

Oh...

- Could you-- - Could you what?

Julie!

I don't think we should see each other anymore.

I don't want to leave you.

Okay. That's cool.

Oh.

Do you want me to take my hand out of your pants?

I think that'd be appropriate.

Look, Julie, I really like you a lot.

But the problem is--

I wish to marry your mother.

I just don't see us going anywhere.

- I'm sorry. - Oh, don't be. I totally agree.

- You do? - Totally.

Actually, I sort of have a thing for my lab partner.

Oh, well, that's terrific. See? Right?

That's perfect. Everybody's happy. No hard feelings.

No hard feelings.

Well, I guess I'll see you tomorrow.

I'll save you cinnamon bun.

Uh, look, Julie,

just one last thing before you go,

and I totally understand if you say no, but...

I was thinking about asking out your mom.

- My mom? - I know it's a little unusual.

- My mom? - And if it's too weird for you--

no, it's not too weird for me.

But why would anyone want to go out with my mom?

- Well-- - She always smells so nice.

Just like clothes when they first come back from the laundry.

She seems... neat.

Try living with her for 20 years.

Oh, she is so annoying.

I mean, she thinks she's funny, which she's not,

and, God, you should see her without makeup.

But, hey, if you want to go out with her, be my guest.

Okay.

There might be one other problem, though.

- What's that? - She sort of hates you.

See ya.

- I never let that stop me. - I know.

.

There's no such thing as vegetarian Pigs & Blankets, Mrs. Kravitz.

Yeah, right. Yeah, right. Uh-huh.

Well, there's just dough, Mrs. Kravitz.

Mother, what does one do when one is in love?

How does one go about...

...informing the other party?

Well, without the pigs, it's just blankets.

Right. Okay. Bye, Mr. Kravitz.

- Hi. - Well, if it isn't Humbert Humbert.

What a surprise.

Well, you know, it's just on my lunch hour,

so I thought I'd drop by and say... hello?

- Why? - Well, actually,

I just wanted to let you know in case Julie hasn't mentioned it,

which I'm sure she has, but Julie and I aren't seeing each other anymore.

No, she didn't tell me. What happened.

Did you leave her for a younger woman?

I think that'd be impossible without going to jail.

Ha-- talk yourself out of that.

Look, I'm probably way out of line here,

but can I buy you dinner sometime?

You want to go out with me?

Oh, no. No, no, no. I don't actually have to go with you.

I just thought maybe I could buy it for you.

Martin, I don't make it a habit to date my daughter's ex boyfriends.

Of course, they're usually 19, so it's not an issue.

- Can I help you? - That's okay.

Look, Mrs. Gibb, do you have a first name, by any chance?

- Kate. - Kate.

Listen, Kate, Julie and I, I mean, it was nothing.

She meant nothing to me.

Well, that makes a mother happy.

No, no, no, I meant nothing to her, either.

- Are you saying my daughter's shallow? - No.

How about coffee? Can I just buy a cup of coffee?

- I don't think so. - How about a cheeseball?

Ooh! Hot. Ooh!

How about a lift over to the burn unit?

Come on. Come on. What do you think?

Thanks for stopping by.

Listen, I have a great idea.

Why don't you go out with my son, and then we'll be even.

He's only 13, but he's very mature.

And really, I think you'd like him.

He's kind of like me.

Martin, I thought you had a job.

Listen, I've got a terrific hors d'oeuvre recipe you might want to try.

- Oh, yeah? - Uh-huh. You take a little bit of tomato sauce,

little bit of cheese, put it on English muffin

and just slap it in the toaster oven.

- Now, you might want to write this down. - Look, Martin,

despite the fact that you sleep with college girls, you seem like a decent enough guy.

But I have a very successful business,

a terrific daughter whom, I believe you've met.

And who, may I say, you've done a terrific job raising.

Kiss ass. Anyway, Martin, I'm very happy.

And I just don't want anyone or anything to make my life more complicated right now.

Yes, you do. Come on. Everybody does, you know?

I mean, what about romance? What about that? Romance is--

The sacrament,

and children come, and children is a sacrament.

And all our lives we live on a banana plantation.

Shit, I lost my train of thought.

- Romance. - Right. Right. Romance is...

It's important. It's very, very important.

And I'm usually a little bit more articulate than this, but.

I'm flattered. I really am.

But I'm just not interested in romance.

Well, we'll see about that.

♪ Strangers in the night ♪

♪ Exchanging glances wondering in the night ♪

♪ What were the chances we'd be sharing love ♪

♪ Before the night was through ♪.

You earned her. You got it.

♪ Something in your eyes ♪

♪ Was so inviting something in your smile ♪

♪ Was so exciting something in my heart ♪

♪ Told me I must have you. ♪

♪ Strangers in the night ♪

Hope to see you next week.

So until then, good night.

♪ Strangers in the night ♪