Original subtitles

Morning, Toby.

- Good morning, Mr. Tupper. - Thank you.

Good morning, Martin.

Linda. I didn't know we had a meeting.

Hey, I got a look at the Avery/Michelle galleys.

Nice work.

Thanks. Thanks a lot.

Oh!

It was the biggest fucking rat you've ever seen, you know?

I mean-- No, no. It was bigger than a rat. You know, it was like a...

All hairy and bat-eyed. It was that thing!

...like a puma, you know?

It's incredible. A huge, scary beast.

- It had a tail like this. - A terrible hat and those dreadful clothes.

And a-- and big teeth.

Well, how do you know it wasn't just some big squirrel?

It was a rat, okay? I'm sure it was a rat.

All right, it was a rat.

Well, then there's only one thing you can do.

- Move. - Move?

You've got no other choice. You'll never get rid of it.

They call them the Devil's Lap Dogs, you know.

I'm not going to move.

Listen to me, Martin. You got to get out. Now.

And don't take any of your things with you, either.

- What are you talking about? - Rats.

- They lay eggs and everything. Before you know-- - Rats don't lay eggs.

- Yeah? One time my Uncle Tony-- - I don't wanna hear about your Uncle Tony, okay?

I don't wanna hear about him, your sister Gina,

or any other pointless story about your relatives

that has absolutely no bearing on-- Linda.

Good morning, Martin.

Hello.

- How's it going? - Great.

Hey, I got a look at the Avery/Michelle galleys.

Now, this dream you were telling me about.

You say the same woman reappears?

Really?

What did you think?

Is it me, or do the last three chapters

make absolutely no sense?

No. No, it's not you. We were just hoping no one would notice.

Oh. Well, then I didn't.

Good work.

Thanks.

This typical American girl.

He doesn't wanna hear any of my pointless stories.

Well, I don't have to tell him my pointless stories.

Toby, I'm sorry I snapped at you, okay?

It's just this whole rat thing has me a little tense.

I appreciate the advice, you know?

I just don't think moving is the answer. I can handle this, you know?

It's just a rat.

But what if circumstances magnified

one of them in size and strength?

Took it out of its primitive world and turned it loose in ours.

Then expect something that's fiercer, more cruel and deadly

than anything that ever walked the Earth.

Yeah.

I want him to know.

I want him to sweat a little.

Maybe get a little scared. Maybe try to run away.

But I'll catch him.

This guy doesn't know what he's dealing with.

I couldn't help it, you know? The sun was in my eyes.

Dad, you slid into the pitcher's mound.

Well, that was right after I got hit by that foul ball.

Right, Dad. I'm not sure that's what it was.

Uh, Jeremy, you might wanna hang back.

I mean, this-- this could be pretty grisly.

Oh. Whoa, Dad. You're right.

Little blocks of cheese. It's pretty grisly.

Yeah, well, there are other traps.

I was reading at the library today.

You knew that in one year, two rats can produce

over a million offspring?

That's a fun fact to learn and share.

Thank you, Jeremy.

- Maybe it left. - Uh, Dad.

I don't think so.

What are you talking about?

Oh, my God.

Looks like he left you the potato salad.

Oh, God.

You know he's not stupid.

I had a whole ham in there.

Well, he probably got in from the back somewhere.

But, you see, there's a little hole.

How did he get the ham out?

He's good, Dad.

Sergeant, tell them to load up with napalm, rockets, anything they've got.

Relax, Mr. Tupper. Take a deep breath.

A professional is here.

Well, I only saw it once, okay?

But it was really, really big.

To the uninitiated, they all seem big.

This used to be an Oxford English Dictionary, okay?

I've got a rat that ate a 7,000-page book for lunch.

You don't scam me, Mr. Tupper. My father was an exterminator.

My mother was an exterminator's wife.

There's not much I haven't seen. Now, if you'll step aside.

The average adult rat can squeeze through a hole the size of your thumb.

They dislocate their bones, Mr. Tupper.

Then they reassemble them on the other side.

They're sort of like little hairy Houdinis.

That's very funny.

I can't take credit. It's my mother's.

Could you stop hovering? Go watch TV.

Roll some pennies or something.

Al's got everything under control.

Never saw one so-- The-- the teeth!

Those-- those-- those-- The eyes!

You're not gonna bill me for this, are you?

That's it. I'm gonna become a florist.

I never wanted to do this.

I always wanted to work with plants,

but my parents pushed me and pushed me.

Thanks anyway, Al.

You're not going in there.

Yes, I'm going back in there.

- This is my apartment. - Not anymore.

It's his apartment now.

Hey!

Please.

Hmm. Hasty and puffy-eyed. That's a good look for you.

I was up all night.

It never comes out when I'm awake.

I nodded off for maybe two minutes, it stole the sofa cushion.

- I found it wedged behind the radiator. - Normally at this juncture,

I would offer some sort of insightful anecdote.

But since my opinion is no longer appreciated...

I'll keep my thoughts to myself.

Thank you.

Oh.

Hello.

How nearly a perfect woman she is.

Doesn't he look good today?

Morning.

Are you going to that non-fiction dinner tonight?

Uh, I don't know.

You know, those people are so boring.

I have kind of invented a theory,

which is the involuntary, self-reciprocal...

No. No, I don't think so.

Don't make me go alone.

Last year, Shimpkin, the guy who writes those bug books, kept hitting on me.

Oh.

Come on.

Please.

Please.

Okay. But you owe me big.

...which is defined by a three-dimensional linear system.

Real big.

No, no, no, no, no. I was not sleeping.

I was just picturing the bugs he was talking about.

- You were snoring. - Yeah, well, okay.

Maybe I was snoring, but I, uh...

You know, it's not like I was drooling or something.

Ah, we'll get action tonight.

Oh, I've wanted to do that for a long time.

Really?

You should've mentioned it.

It's alive and waiting for you.

Ready to kill you if you go too far.

Come on in.

This is my apartment!

Okay. I believe you.

Well, would you, uh, would you like some wine?

Sure. All right.

On second thought, maybe coffee would be better.

- Oh. Okay. - No, no. I'll take the wine.

So, you do anything special this weekend?

Duties.

Is anything wrong?

No. No, just a little dust.

There it is!

What's the matter?

Nothing.

Uh, hey.

Why don't we do this in my son's room?

Your son's room?

What's that about?

Well, I just think we'd have a little more privacy.

Privacy from whom?

Well, just, you know.

Privacy.

Would you stop it?

Can't you give me one night of peace?

Who are you talking to?

No one.

Look, I don't think that this is such a good idea.

I mean, we have to work together.

No, no, no, no, wait, wait.

No, really. You don't have to explain.

I just think you need some time alone with your invisible friend.

Thanks for the wine, and, uh, bye.

No, no, no, no, no.

Are you happy? Hmm?

Are you happy now?

What are you doing standing here?

Go after him. Don't let him get away.

Come on, come on, come on out.

I wanna see your ratty little face.

Son of a bitch.

I got you now! Come on, come on!

Get out of here!

Toro.

Hey!

Oh, no!

It's the attack of the killer chew toys!

Can I help you, Toby?

I was talking with my cousin Paulie the other day

about your vermin situation.

You did? Really? What did he say?

Isn't it interesting how just a week ago,

the very mention of a member of my family brought

such a different response?

What did he say?

It seems he knows a guy

who knows a guy who makes rats disappear.

Is he an exterminator? - In a manner of speaking.

What's that mean? He play the flute, lead them into the river?

I don't know how he does it.

It's no questions asked, if you know what I mean.

All right.

It's cash. Upfront.

He'll cost you a bundle. He's flying in from Chicago.

I don't care. I don't care.

I just want that thing dead.

Somebody call about a rat?

Yes. Yes.

Mr. Tribbiani?

Come on in.

Uh, can I take your coat?

Would you like some iced tea?

He's close.

I can smell him.

He's a big one, isn't he?

Yes. Yes, he is.

Uh, I've got your cash.

Eh, if I don't kill him...

he'll mean nothing.

A gun?

You're-- you're going to use a gun?

Sometimes it's the only way.

One time when I was eight years old, I was at my friend Eddie's house.

He had this really mean hamster named Bingo.

And I went to pet him, and he got a hold of my finger,

and he just hung on and hung on.

Still sort of see the scar.

Oh, yeah.

Here, take a look at this.

Come on, take a look.

Oh! Oh, my God.

It goes all the way down and around.

That certainly tops mine.

1964, Chinatown.

I had a partner back then.

Jack Bernaldi. Funny little guy, Jack.

This restaurant calls us.

They got a little problem that needs taking care of.

Little problem.

Me and Jack wait till the restaurant's closed

to set our traps.

Around midnight,

we spot our first one.

Little pinch-faced one.

Peeking out from behind one of them

big, round, frying pan kind of things they got.

- A wok? - Could have been.

Anyway, it goes up to the first trap...

Snap!

Did you ever hear a rat scream, Martin?

Unfortunately, no.

It's a horrible sound.

Like a little girl.

And then next we hear, "Snap!

Snap, snap, snap! Snap."

They kept coming.

There had to be a thousand rats in that kitchen.

Norwegian blacks.

You couldn't even see the linoleum.

We're beating them off with chairs.

And then Jack went down.

I couldn't get to him.

I tried, but they were all over me.

I don't even know how I got out of there.

Next day...

all that was left of Jack was his belt buckle.

- Have you ever seen the movie Willard? - No. What's it about?

Well, it's about--

Uh, never mind.

- More wine? - No, I don't want--

Hey!

Got another one, Jack!

Is it--

It's over, Martin.

It's over.

Wait.

Dispose of it as you will.

We now commit these bodies to the deep.

Amen.

I'll figure something out.

Thank you. Thank you for everything.

- And let me tell you, if anybody I know ever has a problem-- - Ah. I was never here.

You were never here.

Oh.

Whoever the hell this is, it better be good.

No, no-- Toby, it's me. Don't hang up.

- Are you drunk? - No.

Are you gonna start talking dirty?

No. No. I just called to thank you.

It's dead, Toby. The rat is dead.

Mr. Tribbiani was--

Toby?

Hello?

I--

It's alive.

All right, you furry fuck!

It's just you and me. Is that how you want it?

Huh? Well, you got it!

I wonder if they're gonna walk away from here.

Come out.

Come out, come out, wherever you are.

Where the hell are you?

Die, die, die!

You win! All right?

You win!

You want this apartment so much, you can have it.

I hope you got $1,400 a month,

'cause I'm getting the fuck out of here.

You're gonna die like the yellow rat you are.

Yes, siree.

I'm just gonna get my toothbrush and I'll be gone.

There's a...

there's a couple of TV dinners in the freezer.

The cable bill's paid up through December

and I'm just gonna get this book over here I've been reading.

But I'm gonna leave you all the rest.

So, I, uh...

I hope you enjoy them.

And, uh...

I'm just, uh...

- Done. - Got him.

We got him.

We must accept them as we do the rest of God's creatures.

Each has a function in its own world.

Okay, you rat bastard, this is it.

Go torment somebody else.

Go on, go on, get out of here.

You're free. You're free.

Well, good luck.

Have a nice trip.

Hey, mister, was that your dog?

Uh...

He was no good and he's dead

and it's okay by me.

No, no. That-- that wasn't my dog.