Original subtitles

There's speed limit in this state, Mr. Neff.

Forty-five miles an hour.

- How fast was I going, officer? - I'd say around 90.

Suppose you get down off your motorcycle and give me a ticket.

- Suppose I let you off with a warning this time. - Suppose I don't take it.

Suppose I have to whack you over the knuckles.

Suppose you bend her over the back of the chair and are done with it.

I guess I usually am.

Same chair, same perfume, same anklet.

Same bad wig, same bony arse.

- Shh! - Shh!

Look, pal, we're just trying to watch the movie, okay?

Just ignore him, Martin.

Excuse me.

Sorry, Martin.

♪ Martin ♪

Fuck you, Martin!

All right, asshole.

Oh, my God.

It's-- it's Elliot Sterns.

- It's Elliot Sterns. The Elliot Sterns. - Who?

One of the greatest natural wonders in America.

One of the mightiest spectacles in the world.

A Shallow Land, The Crematorium.

He's one of the greatest living novelists.

He's one of the greatest living assholes.

I'll be right back.

- I've always loved your work. - Shh!

I wonder if I know what you mean.

That tears it.

It wasn't so much prison on my mind,

it was not getting laid for two and a half years.

Martin.

I've got an early morning tomorrow.

- I've got to get home. - Okay, okay. I'll call you.

- You know-- - Great.

I can't tell you what a thrill it is to meet you, you know?

Your work has always been such an inspiration to me.

Are you a writer, Martin?

Well, sort of. I mean, it's always been a dream of mine.

Of course, I've never actually finished anything.

You are being exceedingly modest.

Yes. Yes, I'm a writer.

I hate writers.

Well, I'm really more of an editor.

Really?

- Which house? - Whitestone.

We're a small, up-and-coming boutique.

Oh, that's the one who does those wretched romance novels.

That's us.

So, what have you been doing lately?

I'm teaching a fiction seminar at the university.

I've got a few pages of a new novel I've been working on.

Would you like to see them?

Oh, my God.

Really?

It would be such an honor, you know?

I mean, just-- just to see your pages.

You can look at the pages, Martin.

But stop blowing sunshine up my arse.

Okay.

- Gibby, you are gonna love me. - I've always loved you, Marty. I thought you knew that.

What would you say if I told you I could get us the first novel in 12 years by...

Elliot Sterns?

Not interested.

- What? - Not interested.

Oh, sure, he used to be something.

He knew how to write a hell of a fuck scene, he did. But he's old fish now, Marty.

It's all dried up. A drunken syphilitic has-been.

Oh, come on, some of us are trying to eat here.

He showed me his first chapter, Gibby, I mean, it-- it was incredible.

No. Sorry. Too risky.

Everybody knows he's impossible.

Whose office is this?

Gibby, when I was 17, I read A Shallow Land.

I didn't talk to my parents for three weeks, you know?

I mean, it totally changed my life.

Now, what is it gonna take for you to let me do this book?

You could guarantee his advance against your salary.

- Oh. - Right.

Oh, thanks for the anecdote about your formative years.

So what?

So somebody put a whammy on a swell dream.

I'll do it.

What a gigantic set of testicles you have, Marty.

You got your book.

Now, this here is your love line.

Here? What's it say?

Sorry, I'm late.

My goodness, it wraps clear around

to the back of your hand.

You have a lot of love in you.

- Huh? - That's true.

Most people don't see that in me.

Uh, Toby, do you think you could--

Hey, we're doing something here!

You were saying?

Miss Pedalbee,

why don't we continue this at another time?

Any time you say.

Did you ever see eyes so blue?

Only in cartoons.

Okay.

So, uh,

where do we start?

Here's a good place to look.

No. No, thank you.

But that's-- that's a beautiful flask.

Thank you, it was a gift from Mr. Ernest Hemingway

when I was a few years younger than you are now.

Just after he bought me my first whore.

Hemingway, huh?

Well, maybe just a sip.

This may be the biggest thing that's ever happened.

What is that?

Absinthe. Tasty, isn't it?

But go carefully. Apparently, it causes paralysis.

Well, I have to tell you,

I thought your pages were terrific.

You know, I really-- I can't wait to see where it goes next.

Neither can I.

There is no cause for laughter, and there is reason to be angry.

Oh.

Uh, do you have

a-- a direction in mind?

To be honest, Martin,

I've been staring at those pages for the last 12 years.

And I haven't got a clue.

Get out there and do something.

Well, I may be way out of line here,

but while I was reading it, you know, I had a thought.

Well, go ahead, be my guest.

Well, I just thought-- And I'm sure this has occurred to you already, you know.

But what if Sean and Colin

were brothers?

Brothers.

Ooh, I like that.

Oh, that has a kind of a twist to it, doesn't it?

A sort of resonance.

You should be very proud of yourself.

Then the fight at the beginning becomes--

- Indeed, indeed. - And when they get separated?

- Of course. - And the woman. The woman at the funeral.

Could be Kathleen.

- Well-- - Martin, this is so exciting.

Damn, I've got an eleven o'clock seminar.

Martin, we've got to get some of these ideas on paper.

Do me a favor. Jot it all down.

And anything else that comes to mind,

I can't wait to tear into it!

Great, I'll get them to you as soon as I can.

Martin, I haven't been so inspired

since I wrote the Shallow Land in my mother's attic.

- Wow. - Thank you.

It is good to smoke the pipe of peace

with good companions.

It is good for all Blue Beavers.

It is good for all Blue Beavers.

Him, friend to all Blue Beavers.

- Your pages are shit. - Elliot?

You expect me to sleep after reading this garbage?

What are you talking about?

I mean, this is what we discussed, right?

Yesterday, you liked everything I said.

Ah.

But then you had to go and write it down.

It's like you got everything you know from television.

I don't know where you got an idea like that.

You've got the Poison Fingers, Martin.

I can't work for this.

It wasn't totally fleshed out.

Well, maybe you better flesh it out then.

I'm sorry.

I expect more from my editor, Martin.

- Some place you got here. - Thank you.

Thank you, I've, uh-- I've--

I've had it for years.

- It's a coffin. - Pardon me?

Why don't you put some handles on it,

and you can lower it into the ground.

Well, it is rent stabilized.

No wonder you never made it as a writer.

No wonder you never finished anything.

Why don't you just take the whole bottle?

No, that'll do.

Martin, Martin, Martin!

What are we gonna do with you?

I don't know that we need to do anything with me.

- I think I'm doing just fine. - Of course you are.

But I want so much more for you.

I want your life to be full of passion.

I'm talking about grabbing this whole fucking planet

by the balls, and saying,

"Fuck you planet, I exist!"

Have you ever done that?

Not in so many words, no.

Martin,

I'm gonna teach you to live.

I'm gonna teach you what it takes to be a writer,

like Mr. Hemingway taught me.

- Really? - Martin, I'm going to get you out of here.

Out of this apartment, out of this city, out of New York!

Nice place. I should've brought my tattoo.

Why do you have it?

Uh...

I guess I'll get a glass of milk.

- Rye. - That's good.

Shot of rye, please.

No, you don't. We'll get the whole bottle.

I'll be over there.

What the hell? I'll take the whole bottle.

That'll be 70 bucks.

Take credit cards?

Cash will be fine.

Give us a squeeze, baby?

Fuck you, Elliot.

Ooh, but if you're interested,

I got a mattress in the back.

I'd pass that one up if I were you.

I already have a mattress, thank you.

You're not entering into the spirit of things, Martin.

Have a drink.

No. All the way down.

It gets better as you go along.

Smooth.

What do you say? Another?

Thank you.

♪ Santa ♪

♪ Lucia ♪

♪ Santa ♪

♪ Lucia ♪

Oh, that was so nice that you was eating your own cake.

Buy me another drink.

You got another drink.

Careful.

Excuse me.

Excuse me, sir.

- I'll, uh-- I'll-- - I'll have with tequila.

♪ I'll have the tequila ♪

Shut the fuck up!

All right.

Sorry, we were just having some fun.

Martin, don't be afraid.

This is what life's about.

Drinking and pouring and singing in some asshole's face.

Damn the consequences, so much the better!

Elliot, Elliot,

this guy could hurt us a lot.

I know! That's why you must get drunk first.

♪ Have a tequila ♪

He's from another country, you know?

He doesn't know what he's doing. He's deranged.

There, you little fucker.

Whoa, that was living contact,

flesh against flesh.

I-- I didn't even land a punch.

Ah, but you kept to your feet a lot longer than I expected.

I did, didn't I?

And the evening wasn't a total loss.

During the fracas, I grabbed these.

Oops.

On we go, just--

Ah, Martin.

Tonight was something, huh?

It was something.

You really impressed me, Martin.

You drank like a writer. You fought like a writer.

You puked like a writer.

Now it's time for you

to wright like a writer.

I couldn't be sick right now if I tried.

Get away from me, you son of a bitch!

- Calm down. - The hell do you think you are?

All right. Stay right there.

- Calm down. - Don't move.

Fuck!

- Hey. - Stand back, Martin. I got a clear shot at him.

- What are you doing? - That pervert tried to attack me.

I was only saying hello.

I'm sure it was some misunderstanding.

It's hard to misunderstand the hand up your skirt.

Okay, okay. That's enough, that's enough.

Now why don't we-- Why don't we get to work?

Toby, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Look, if you get a chance, I think we could use some coffee.

I think we could use a restraining order.

What the hell were you thinking?

That if I just got my hand up her skirt,

the rest would be a snap.

I think we're gonna have a little trouble.

All right.

All right, Elliot, what-- what have you got for me?

Martin...

...it's not exactly an estate.

Elliot, this is no good. This is no good.

I've been giving you chapter after chapter. You wanted an outline,

I gave you an outline. You wanted more detail, I gave you more detail.

I've been doing everything but the fucking punctuation.

Now, come on, when am I gonna see what you're doing with it?

I've got a lot on the line here, Elliot.

Martin. Damn it!

It's not exactly easy for me.

You can't know what it's been like, these last 12 years.

It's as if the words had abandoned me.

They're coming now.

Coming slowly.

It's so frustrating,

particularly as your pages have been coming in so brilliant.

What-- what was that last one?

Your last few chapters? Oh.

They're so far beyond what you were doing a month ago.

Passion,

it's as if you tore into yourself,

and spewed your entrails all over the pages.

You liked it?

It's inspiring.

It's made me want to write again.

I can't tell--

I want you to have this.

Hemingway's flask?

Oh, no.

No, no, I couldn't, no, no.

Thank you.

You keep going, Martin.

I'll catch up to you.

Gosh, Elliot Sterns.

This must be so exciting for you.

- Oh. - Tell me what's he like.

Uh, well, he certainly is a handful, you know?

I mean, there are quite a few bars in Hoboken I'm not allowed in now, you know.

But overall, I'd say--

I'd say he's pretty-- Hold on.

Where's that last chapter, Martin?

I'm tired of waiting for it.

What? I--

- I just gave you 20 pages. - I want the rest of it.

Look, I can't just crank this stuff out, I--

Oh, I see

what's been keeping you.

Oh-ho, you've been doing a little bit

of this and that, have you?

Uh, Elliot Sterns, this is Judith.

She's my ex-wife.

Ex-wife? Why'd you throw her out?

She's a little bony, but--

I bet she could wrap those legs

round me twice.

Elliot! Knock it off.

Ever done it with a Pulitzer Prize winner, my darling?

Not good for me, eh?

What are these?

Those are not ready to show you yet.

Those aren't ready to show, my buttocks!

That crap!

This whole book is crap.

Jude, Jude, Jude, wait, wait. I'm sorry about this.

When he drinks, he gets crazy.

He's really not a bad guy, you know?

I mean, he's just kind of a character.

Martin, he's pissing on your book.

Elliot!

- What the fuck are you doing? - Just a minor rewrite, son.

Out, out, out, get out!

I'll see you tomorrow.

No, Elliot, no, I don't think so.

This is it, Elliot! I've had it with your bullshit.

I've laid it on the line for you time and time again.

And I-- I--

It's like I'm talking to myself.

I'll get him up.

It's very difficult to instill clean Christian principles

in the face of such poor sanitation.

- Toby, I'm off to lunch. - Don't forget to chew.

Do I look like I'm made of money?

You're trapped.

- Tell him I'm not here. - You've been avoiding him

ever since you told Elliot to cheese off.

Face it, the book is dead. Why don't you just pay Gibby and take it like a man?

- Look-- - I'll be at Tupper's office.

Just-- just get rid of him.

- Hello, Toby. - He's in there.

How comfy to have you in my corner.

Marty!

Gibby, hi.

Ooh, I was just on my way to lunch. Why don't we--

I had an interesting communication with Elliot Sterns this morning.

We have ways of punishing little boys who do not tell the truth.

I tell truth.

Look, he was impossible to work with.

You were right, okay? You were right.

And I'll pay the money as soon as I can.

Marty, as much as I enjoy hearing phrases like "You were right,"

and "I'll pay you the money," I haven't got the faintest idea what you're talking about.

Elliot Sterns delivered the book this morning.

Amen.

Of course he did.

And I've got to tell you, Marty, it's brilliant.

This is great, you know?

I just-- I just didn't expect--

The little devil hasn't written a word.

- This is my book. - Yes. Yes, it is, Marty.

- Congratulations. - No, Gibby, no.

This is my book. I wrote this book.

Marty, Marty, Marty.

Yes, of course it's your book. They are all our books.

When an editor works as hard as you do--

This is my book!

And you should be very, very proud.

What are we going to do now?

I used to look up to him.

I'd think, "This is a man I wanna become."

I can't believe you did this to me!

Marty! Hello! Pull up a glass.

- Bartender-- - Nah, nah, forget it, forget it, forget it.

Oh, come on, Marty. It's on me.

You put your name on my book, Elliot!

I wrote the first chapter. I wrote the last.

Yeah, I hated your last chapter. It was stupid.

It was stupid. It just didn't make any sense.

No, it made sense when I wrote it.

Of course, I was a little soaked at the time, but--

You are fucking incredible.

You read the dedication?

What? Why? What dedication?

"For Martin. In truth, this is his book."

"Truth," huh? Oh, guess what, this makes me feel much better.

Thank you. Thank you very much!

Oh, Marty, don't be so pissed off.

All right, I took something from you, yes.

But I gave something back.

You finished a book.

- That's true. - Yeah, so?

Writers finish things. That's what separates them from any old cretin with a pen.

You're a writer now!

Yipee!

I guess.

- You don't have to thank me. - Not a problem.

You mean to say there's two of them?

- Did Hemingway give you two flasks? - Oh, Martin.

I buy these at Macy's.

"Made in Taiwan."

Some fucking hero.

Are you even Scottish?

That part's true.

You learned a great deal from me, Martin.

I really did. You taught me to drink like a writer, to fight like a writer.

You take the consequences, flesh against flesh.

Of course, it was mostly my flesh that was taking the consequences.

I never really got to land a punch, did I?

You will, my boy, you will.

Oh, yes... I will.