Original subtitles

Oh, God.

Oh, God.

Oh, God, oh, that's it.

Oh, that's it, oh, good, yes.

Wait, wait, a little-- a little quicker.

Okay, yes.

Yes, that's it.

A little quicker, a little quicker.

Oh, God, good boy, okay, a little bit to this side,

ah, yes, that's it.

Oh, my God! Yes!

What? Already?

No, no, not that, I just--

I just thought of a great idea for a book.

Uh, I'm sorry, Amanda, I'm sorry.

I just-- I just have to write this down, okay?

I'll be right back.

Don't leave me!

Uh, I just have to-- Just, uh--

Yes.

Uh-huh, yeah, uh-huh.

Yes, yeah, yeah.

It-- Oh, God, I'm great.

Oh, yes.

Oh, God.

Ah, hallelujah. Oh, my God.

That's okay, you just, uh-- You just go ahead and finish without me.

Thank you for coming.

This is great, this is gonna be so great.

Perfect.

Okay, okay, everything's gotta be perfect.

Okay, Gibby sits here, I'm at my desk.

You know, my ex-brother-in-law used to talk to himself.

They ended up putting electricity in his head.

Now he does his great trick with kitchen magnets.

Yeah, Toby, did you come in here for anything useful?

Gibby's office called. The Führer's on his way down.

Okay, okay, look, when he gets here,

I don't want any interruptions. Hold all my calls.

And-- and try to keep it down out there, will you?

Oh, so I should cancel the Mariachis?

- Don't even start with me today. - Would you please relax? It's just a book.

That's a low thing to say.

It's not just a book, it's my book.

Still, he'll probably hate it anyway.

- What-- - Morning, Marty. A bit of a sweat on your brow.

You two haven't been doing anything naughty, I trust.

You know you're a pig?

- Morning, Gibby. - Toby, my little office gnome.

I don't seem to have a cup of coffee in my hand.

I trust you will rectify that situation at once.

Absolutely.

Please.

Maybe he'll get one, maybe he won't.

Life's full of mystery.

- Gibby, have a seat. - Yeah, all right.

What-- Wherever you like.

So, what colorful dime store muck do you have for me this morning?

Well...

it's a novel.

A novel? About a prostitute perhaps?

Perhaps a prostitute with a trick leg and an ugly secret?

Uh, no.

Although that does sound interesting.

No, this is a thriller,

but it's more than just a thriller.

It's really a journey into the soul.

It's about one man's search for...

the perfect blowjob.

Blowjobs? I like that.

Who's the author?

- I am. - You wrote it?

I will, I mean, it's-- it's just an outline right now.

Marty, I had no idea you dabbled.

Well, I more than dabble, actually.

I always hoped that--

Well, ever since I was a young boy,

I had this dream that one day I'd go up to a bookstore window.

Yeah, yeah, hopes and dreams, very nice.

Let's hear the story.

Okay.

Okay.

It begins in a cave in North Carolina.

Detective Jackson O'Henry is searching in a remote cavern

when he comes upon 12 bodies,

each with a child's building block in his left hand.

Just then--

Toby, I told you to hold my calls.

I am, this one's for the other guy.

It's his lawyer.

All right, Douglas, what's up?

No, keep going, Marty, I'm listening.

Okay, okay. Just then, Detective O'Henry

notices a painting next to the bodies.

What are you talking about? I gave that woman $10,000.

It's the portrait of a naked woman with haunting eyes,

eyes that he's seen before.

We had a deal!

No, I'm with you, Marty. Keep going.

Okay, um, there are the eyes of--

Bullshit!

I don't give a dingo's ass

if she is in love with somebody else.

Damn it, Douglas. They're gonna deport me.

It's just a green card. Now, can't we pay somebody off?

This is America.

Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!

Fuck!

Something wrong?

Yeah, I got the INS spitting down my throat.

They wanna send me back.

Well, I won't go. I won't.

I hate that place.

"G'day, g'day, g'day."

Koala bears smelling like cough drops, kangaroo shit everywhere.

They never show you that in a fucking commercial,

- you notice? - No, no, I don't suppose they do.

Anyway, getting back to my book--

I am sitting in a barrel of shit with a funny hat on, Marty.

Now you gotta help me. I need to find a woman.

Now, come on, Marty. You know lots of women. Where am I gonna find a woman?

Gibby, I'm sorry, I just can't think of anybody off the top of my head.

- Fuck! - Here's your coffee.

We were all out of milk, so I threw in some cream.

Cheese.

Oh, no. No, no, no.

Why not? Toby hasn't got anyone in her life, does she?

She's sort of a lonely, pathetic creature.

- Gibby, it's-- No. - What? It's not like I'm not gonna pay her.

I can tell you right now, she won't do it.

- Why not? - Well...

she hates you.

- Really? - You know, there's a lot of people who do.

- Go figure. - Well, that's perfect.

There's no danger of romantic entanglements.

Set it up for me, Marty, won't you?

Forget it. I am not getting involved in this.

If you wanna ask her, you can do it.

- But the woman hates me. You tell me so yourself. - Well--

Set up a meeting, Marty.

- Gibby. - And if she marries me, I'll, uh--

I'll publish your little cave book.

Do you think I can listen to this insane plan to destroy two lives and do nothing about it?

Consider it done.

Toby, come on. It wouldn't be a real marriage.

It would just be a legal thing. You know, like-- like getting your driver's license.

As romantic as that sounds,

I could think of a few things I'd rather do,

like stub my toe over and over again.

Okay, okay, now I'm gonna level with you here.

If you do this, I'll get my book published.

Never mind. It was just the thought.

You sure you haven't left out anything?

You know, he did mention money.

Excuse me.

You think I'd marry a guy for money?

How much money?

Ah, before we get started, would you like anything? Tea, perhaps?

Sure. And a club sandwich on the side.

All right, Toby.

I'm going to write down a number

and pass it to you.

Okay, Mr. Fiske. I'm going to write down a phrase

and pass it to you.

All right, let's cut through the crap, then, Toby.

- How much do you want? - I'm thinking 30,000.

- Dollars? - No pesos.

Who do I look like? Charo?

- I'll give you five. - I spit on five. Make it 20.

20,000 is completely unreachable. I'll give you six.

Seven. I buy an awful lot of Wite-Out for $7,000.

I can get twice as much for 15, and get change back.

Oh, Mr. Tupper, is something wrong?

Shh!

Termites.

For two years of marriage, followed by a welcome divorce,

I will give you $10,000, not a penny more.

For $10,000, I'll do your laundry.

You wanna marry me? That'll cost you 15.

The offer on the table is $10,000!

Maybe you got wax in your ears, I said 15!

- I heard you, and I said 10! - Have a nice flight.

If you need anything, don't call, good day.

- It needs watering. - It's plastic.

Come on, Toby. Come on.

Just tell me what I wanna hear.

Your book's dead. Enjoy your lunch.

Haven't they deported you yet, mate?

$12,500. That's my final offer.

Your final offer smells like cheese.

So, maybe cheese smells good every now and then.

All right, but no funny stuff.

You don't live with me, you don't touch me,

you get one kiss right here.

- Settled, it's a done deal. - Not so fast.

I want the money up front in cash

before I walk down the aisle.

What aisle? We're going to city hall.

Like hell we are. What kind of girl you take me for?

You give me a proper wedding, or the deal is off.

Bloody hell.

All right.

You're lucky I didn't make you get down on one knee.

Toby, I'll be in Finnebacher's office.

Well?

I'm having a wedding.

I'm having a book.

Chapter four.

Detective O'Henry eased his way to the cold,

dank, mysterious cave.

He stopped, sensing danger.

There, through the darkness, he saw a--

Baked ham.

A coffin.

He moved closer.

His heart beating through his jacket like a--

Baked ham.

Like a bass drum.

Again, he froze.

There, through the eerie haze of darkness,

he could hear the unmistakable words.

Hello, pretty boy.

Martin Tupper.

No? No, she's not.

Mm-hmm, yeah, no, go ahead.

Chrysanthemums, yes.

Flo-- flown in from Florida. Mm-hmm.

Saturday, fine.

Detective O'Henry was--

Martin Tupper.

Chopped liver? Well, I--

I don't know, I don't know.

Which-- What are her choices?

Yes. Yes, what--

I'll have her call you back, thank you.

Detective O'Henry--

Detective O'Henry--

Any calls?

Almost 100,000.

Oh, just a few.

Where have you been?

At the dressmaker's, I told you.

- No, no, no. No, you didn't. - I told someone.

Flowers on Saturday? That's no good.

Call them back, tell them I need them on Friday.

- Toby? - What's this say?

It's the chopped liver sculpture.

Do you want it to look like an angel or a swan?

This word is "swan"? I thought it was "Guam."

I'm thinking, "What the hell is a chapel of a Guam?"

If you're done critiquing my penmanship,

you think you can make me six copies of the Rhin-Art contracts?

- You know, they do have to go out today. - Oh, geez, could you do that?

I gotta go over the set list with the band.

No, I couldn't! It's your job!

Hey, hey, hey.

I don't think that tone is appropriate for the boss's intended.

Detective O'Henry felt the heavy lid of the coffin.

Hey, Martin, you're a writer. What should the matchbooks say?

"Toby and Gibby" or "Gibby and Toby"?

Personally, I think it should say "Toby's wedding."

- What do you think? - What do I think?

I don't care if they say "Closed cover before striking."

Oh, here's the groom. We gotta pick out the China pattern for the registry today.

Not now. Gibby and I have to go over the first few chapters of my book.

- A registry? - For the gifts.

- We're not getting gifts. - What kind of wedding don't you get gifts?

Don't worry, you'll get half.

Gibby, I'm really excited about my first chapter.

Marty, what am I gonna do about her?

It's called a garrote.

It's very quiet and very effective.

Gibby, just-- just read the first page.

Okay, I'm torn between these two China patterns.

- Which ones do you like? - Frankly, Toby, I couldn't care less.

- Fine. We'll go with this one. - The butterflies?

It's awfully busy, isn't it? Martin, what do you think?

- I'm going to kill them. - I don't know, sir.

You know, I rather fancy this one.

- The windmills? It's hideous. - No, you're not giving it a chance.

That's a handsome plate, that is. Martin, help me out here, won't you?

Well, I kind of like the sunflowers.

- Ugh. - We'll go with the butterflies.

All right, that's it. I can't take this anymore.

I'm up to my willy in caterers and florists and chopped liver!

I've got bills showing up on my desk. $1,200 for a video crew.

$2,100 for a dove release.

Bloody Australia's better than this.

Forget it. The wedding's off.

All right, we'll go with the windmills.

Thank you.

Okay, Gibby, you just take it easy,

and, uh, we'll talk about the book later.

Don't you think you're overdoing it just a little?

No, I'm overdoing it a lot.

Martin, I've been to 67 weddings in my life.

Four of them are my sister Gina's.

Finally, it's my turn.

It's not a real wedding.

I know that, but it's my not-a-real-wedding.

- I'm having a good time. - You just get a grip on yourself.

My sister Gina's gonna be maid of honor,

and I got the bridesmaids, I got the ushers.

- Toby. - And my nephew Mikey's gonna be the ring bearer.

And little Jessica and Ruthie will be the flower girls.

Toby.

And I was wondering, could you give me away?

Thank you, Toby.

I'd be honored.

Well, don't get all misty on me.

You're not my first choice.

These damn shoes are cutting out my circulation.

Is that photographer here yet?

- 'Cause if son of a bitch is late... - He's here. He's here.

- Don't get your panties in a bunch. - Where's Ma?

She's in the bar catching the end of the game.

- On my wedding day? - They're playing, the Bears.

Oh, get my veil, will you?

Hey, be careful with that.

What, I'm holding it like I would hold my own baby.

That's my point.

- Shut up. - You shut up.

Hold your head still.

Hey, you look pretty.

Thanks.

I can't believe you made me wear this thing.

- It looks good on you. - I look like a highway cone.

- How come you get the good dress? - 'Cause I'm the bride.

Toby, they're almost ready for you.

- Who's this? - This is Martin.

- Where's his beard? - I never said he had a beard.

- You said he had a beard. - I never had a beard.

- You calling me a liar? - What's the matter with you?

This must be your sister.

What the fuck is supposed to mean?

Nothing. Nothing. Just a vague family resemblance.

All right, [indistinct].

I'm going out there.

Hey, just don't go into labor. This is my day.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Wait a second. Where's my something blue?

- Huh? - You were supposed to bring me my something blue.

- Since when? - Since always.

I gotta have my something blue.

All right.

- Ow! - It'll be blue in a minute.

They never should've let you out of prison.

- Drop dead. - You first.

You look gorgeous. I'll see you out there.

You would look better with a beard.

She really lights up her room.

- You really do look beautiful. - Thanks.

What?

I don't know.

I never thought I'd get to wear one of these.

It feels nice.

Kind of itchy, but nice.

Hey, you're not supposed to see the bride before the wedding.

Just as long as I don't have to see her after the wedding. Here.

- What's this? - It's your payment.

Now let's get this thing over with. I gotta be home for the cable man.

She'll be there.

Here's your cue. Come on, let's go.

- You okay? - Yeah. Why shouldn't I be?

Getting paid $13,000 an hour.

Ah, here goes nothing.

It'll probably be over like this.

Can I say that?

Oh, geez.

I got a run in my stocking.

- Someone's gotta get me a new one. - It's fine, you can't see it.

- Come on, nobody's gonna know. - Yeah, but I'll know.

I can't walk down the aisle like this.

- It'll just ruin the day. I just can't. - What's the holdup?

I'm paying these musicians by the measure, you know?

I don't wanna do this.

What?

I don't wanna do this. I'm sorry.

No.

Now, come on, now. You're waxing my dolphin, right?

You must be out of your fucking mind. There's 300 people out there.

There's an ice sculpture the size of Greenland.

Now, you get out there before I drag you out by your fucking veil.

Back off, Gibby. She doesn't wanna do it.

Now, Marty, be a pet and help Toby with her train.

And later on, we'll discuss the promotional tour for your book.

You've got to stand up to him. Go to the papers. Go to the commission.

- He can't buy everybody. - Forget the book.

This is more important. She's not doing it.

Oh, Marty, you are making a big mistake.

Yeah?

I've always heard that a man who never makes a mistake

is a man who never does anything.

Yeah, well, I make them all the time.

But that doesn't mean Toby has to.

There are some things in this world a little more important

than your little green card, like marrying for love,

and the right to change your mind. That's what this country was built on,

people changing their minds. So just let me tell you something:

if Toby doesn't wanna marry you, then she doesn't have to marry.

Well, now, that came out very well.

Fuck you, Marty.

Fuck you both.

Fuck this whole fucking country!

Fuck all!

$30,000.

Here comes the bride. Get my bouquet.

What? I thought you couldn't do this.

Not for $12,500, but for $30,000?

That's more than I'm making a whole year.

Hey, thanks for the speech.

Toby, is my tie on straight?

Who God has joined together

let no man put asunder.

So, uh, Gibby, I guess this means

we're back on with the book, right?

That's it, Toby. They're playing our song.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

Nobody's going anywhere! Now, look.

You're getting what you want, you're getting what you want. What about me?

I've worked too hard for this. This is too important to me.

Martin, I'll give you $5,000

if you step away from the door.

Bless you both.