All language subtitles for Dream On (1990) S03E04 AI.en

Walter, Walter,
you're not listening to me.

No, no, we need the book.

The book you're supposed to
have been writing.

You know, the one about
vigilante hookers,

our big Christmas book.

Now, where the hell is it,
Walter?

What?

What? What?
You-- you-- you found what?

In the beginning...

was the word.

I really don't think
Jesus is going to mind

if you write
one more lousy book.

Yeah, yeah, well bless you two.

Toby!
Walter's gone insane.

Here, call Gibby's office
right now.

Cancel my 10:00 with him.
Come on.

The word please
is difficult for you, isn't it?

Is it something
that happened as a child?

Toby.

It's too late.
He's on his way down.

Shit.

Hey, this is your lucky day.

It just so happens
that I am writing a book.

Lint, the skin on pudding,
gum disease, J--

Jane Seymour.

What is this?

7,000 Things I Hate
by Toby Pedalbee

Hell of a stocking stuffer, huh?

This woman wouldn't know
a major emotion
if she tripped over it.

I don't know
that it quite serves the needs
of the holiday market,

but that's a very
interesting idea.

And I think you should keep
working on that.

You bet.

Thanks.
You've been very condescending.

All right, Gibby.
It's-- consider this.

Everybody comes out with
a big Christmas book, right?

I mean, the market's flooded.

So-- so I say--

Now stick with me here,
because this is kind of radical.

I say we skip Christmas
altogether,

and go straight to Easter.

Now, granted
Easter's not traditionally

a gift-giving holiday.

You don't have a book,
do you, Marty?

Not at the moment, no, but--

- Good.
- Good?

Yeah.
A little idea of my own.

I was hoping you'd be free
to bring it to Blossom.

You bet.

Absolutely. Shoot.

I've always felt that to have
a really big holiday bestseller,

you've got to do
something universal.

Something that touches everyone.

- Are you following me here?
- Universal touches everyone.

Yeah, that's why
I want to do a book about...

death.

Death?

I think I put that
right on top
of my Christmas shopping list.

Dream with me, Marty.

- I'm dreaming.
- Find someone who's dying.

Uh, someone who's got
something terminal,

like cancer,
Lou Gehrig's disease, whatever.

And we get them
to write a memoir

of their last days
on the planet.

See?

Sort of a countdown to death.

Come on.

Come on.
Tell me you're kidding.

Kidding?
Well, there'll be weeping round
the Christmas tree.

Oh, oh, the guy's
to be dead by Christmas?

Yeah, ideally, yeah.

Well, there's your title.

I'll Be Dead by Christmas.

And that's good thinking, Marty.

I knew
you'd catch the breeze of this.

Uh, see, what would be clever...

right, is dying of...

- Sprained ankle.
- Acromegalia

- Cramps.
- Acromegalia?

...AIDS?

No. No, Gibby.

Not-- not AIDS.

Why not? It's hot. It's now.

It's got sex. It's got drugs.
Everyone's getting it.

If I didn't hate you
so thoroughly,
I'd pity you.

You and all the other Nazis.

Gibby.

No, I'm sure you mean well.

No, but this is the sickest
fucking thing
I've heard in my entire life.

Right.

Very well.

- Just get Buddy to do it.
- Buddy?

I mean, th-- that's even worse.

I mean,
Buddy doesn't even do books.

He does sports calendars.
I mean, come on.

Well, you see, that's why
I came to you first, Marty.

You're the most
sensitive man I know.

- Well...
- You're almost a woman.

- Hey.
- Right. Now you've convinced me
you're the only one for the job.

Unless you've got a better
idea for a Christmas book.

Uh...

Ho, ho, ho, ho.

Merry Christmas, little kiddies.

It's open!

- I can't believe.
This is so disgusting.
- Hello?

- It's not so bad.
- It is so bad, yes.

It's not so bad, no.

Mr. Mestros, listen to me.

The toilet screams.

It's a screaming toilet.

You flush it
and there's this blood--

Oh, pipes are bad.

I know, pipes are bad.

Get good pipes!
Am I making too much of this?

I mean, how do you feel about
inanimate objects
screaming in your home?

I imagine
I'd find it disturbing, yes.

Thank you.

Still waiting for a part.
Try the guy.

No, no, I've been
waiting for eight months.

- I won't give you any more.
- I talk to guy!

Get a real plumber.
Get an exorcist.

God, just fix it.

We're actually very close.

Peter Brewer?

Unfortunately.

I'm Martin Tupper.

Yeah.

So...

you were incredibly vague
on the phone.

- What's this about?
- This.

Well, you were recommended to me
by-- by your agent.

Really?

- You spoke to Robert?
- Yeah.

Huh.

Well, say hello for me
next time you talk to him.

Asshole hasn't returned
my calls in three months.

Anyway.

I, uh...

I'm a very big fan of your work.

My work.

Tell me what of my work
you actually liked.

Well, I thought Thunder Ranch
was a terrific book.

Oh, yeah.

Uh, I wrote that in a weekend.

At the beach.

I had house guests
writing different chapters.

It was sort of a party game.

Yeah, well,
you know, what I mean.

It wasn't Proust, but--

But you thought it was terrific.
That's great.

I've got 50 pages
of a new one just like it.

And I mean, just like it.

Actually, we were thinking
of a different kind of book.

Not a Western?

No, no. No.

Definitely not a Western.

Uh...

Come on, say it.
Let's get this
thing out of the open, say it.

Do you think
I could have some water?

- Please.
- Sure, sure.

So how far from Western
are we talking here?

I can do Bad Jackie Collins.

Or second-rate Sidney Sheldon.

Well, this would be
more nonfiction.

You know,
sort of autobiographical.

Mm-hmm.

Well,
there's no turning back now.

We're interested
in doing a book about...

- This.
- ...about your situation.

My situation? What?

That I'm one of six children?

That I play the harmonica?

That I have a screaming toilet?

This would be your...

your medical situation.

My former agent had
no right telling you that.

No, no, probably not.

But, um...

See, this would be sort
of a journal, you know?

I mean, all your thoughts
and your feelings--

And my primary
qualification here would be

that my T-cell count
was below 200?

No, no, no.

I-- I wouldn't put it that way.

Exactly.

Uh, how would you put it?
Exactly.

I think if done well,

this book
could be very informative.

Sort of a "how-to" book.

How to make your
relatives uncomfortable.

How to watch old friends die.

I'm sorry.

This was a terrible idea,
and, uh...

I'm sorry
for taking up your time.

I'll do the book.

You will?

It's expensive being sick.

Oh, and by the way,
if you want water next time,

you might
want to bring your own glass.

How can you be so ignorant?

Well...
...it ain't easy.

Earwax.
Cheese with things in it.

Uruguay.

Uruguay?
How can you hate Uruguay?

I mean, you'd have
even been to Uruguay.

I don't know.
There's just something
about it that pisses me off.

So how's your book coming?

Good. Good.

- Peter and I are starting
this afternoon.
- Oh, yeah?

And you don't feel like...

What's a word
worse than vulture?

No, no,
I don't feel that way at all.

Peter agreed to it,
and let me tell you something,

this book is going to be
very powerful

because it's going to be
done very, very sensitively.

Marty, got a great idea
for your dead guy book.

We give away a condom
with every copy.

Very sensitive.

Yeah, I got us a deal
on a shipment from Korea.

I don't know
if they work or not, but, hey,

we're selling books,
not condoms.

The sooner you hang him,
the cleaner the world will be.

Why don't we wait
till there's actually a book

before we decide
how we're going to,
you know, promote it?

Give it some thought,
though, won't you?

Yeah, the last thing I need
is to get stuck with
a boatload of leaky rubbers.

- Hi. Martin?
- Peter?

- Hi. I'm Peter Brewer.
- Hi.

Pleased to meet you.
Toby Pedalbee.

My assistant.
And this is our publisher.

- Bibby Fiske, Peter.
- Hi.

We are so excited
about your book.

Are we?

Uh...

I'm glad we could all meet
like this.

- Mmm.
- Peter, we're right in here.

Marty, Marty, Marty.

He seems like a nice fella.

Uh...

he looks a bit robust, doesn't
he?

Are you sure he's sick?

I'm sure.

There's otherwise the law
for beyond us, wouldn't it?

Yes, sir.

- I've got work to do.
- Yeah. All right.

Okay.

Okay, uh, I thought

we could start by
talking about a prologue, right?

Where you discussed
how you got the...

You know,
how you contracted the, uh...

The thing I contracted.

- Right. Right.
- Yeah.

Well, I believe
I contracted the thing

from a Haitian
hemophiliac dentist

who got a bad blood transfusion
from an IV drug user.

- All right.
- Or maybe I just
fucked some guy who had it.

But that's just a maybe.

I mean, if you'd rather,

we can go with the Haitian
dentist thing.

Okay. Uh...

Look.

Why don't we
just hold off on a prologue?

- And, uh...
- Would you feel more comfortable
if we did this over a drink?

Let's go.

Oh, yeah, yeah, I feel
much more comfortable now.

- Thank you.
- You'll get used to it.

Tonight,
we return to the gay '90s.

Hey, Howard.

Peter.

I'll have a club soda.

Just a beer, please.

And we're gonna need
another bowl of peanuts.

I don't think my friend
will eat from mine.

Would you stop?

Why don't you give me a break?
Why do you have to make
everything so goddamn hard?

You came to me.
You wanted to know
about my life.

Well, welcome to my life,
and this is the fun part.

Later on,
we'll get to the night sweats

and the vomiting
and the occasional incontinence.

I can't talk to you.

This is hard for you?

You asked me to write
my own fucking obituary

and this is hard for you?

- Then don't do the book.
- I wanna do the book.

I have to do the book.

Yeah?
So, what's your fucking problem?

What if I can't do it?

This isn't Thunder Ranch
or Hoofs of Fury.

This is important.

And if I fuck up,
I don't get another chance.

Well, then, you know...

don't fuck up.

That's it?

That's your sage
editorial advice?

Don't fuck up?

It's your book.

I'll do whatever
I can to help you.

We're doomed. We're doomed.

You shoot pool?

Not since I was eight, no.

Good. Dollar a ball.

The least you can do
is give it a try.

All right.

Martin! You got a book.

I'm up to 4,356 things

and I'm totally blocked.

I can't think of anything.

Cottage cheese.

I don't like it,
but I don't hate it.

Hello, Toby.
My little fire plug.

I'm back in business.

Gibby, Gibby.
Did you read Peter's pages?

- Uh-huh.
- Aren't they terrific?

Yeah, the writing isn't bad,

but Martin, it's so depressing.

Gibby, it's about a man
with a terminal illness.

Yeah, well, that doesn't mean
it has to be so sad, does it?

Can't you goose it up
a little bit?

- Goose it up?
- Yeah.

Pull up the heartstrings
a little more.

That little Ryan White,
he was adorable.

And the woman with the dentist,
she was...

a woman.

Look, work with me, Marty.

Now, what if this Peter fellow

has a friend
who's a baseball player?

And right dies,

the friend wins
the big game for him.

Gibby, he doesn't have a friend
who's a baseball player.

All right. All right.

What if he adopts a young child

and teaches him
the true meaning of Christmas?

Do you know how many ways
I could kill you?

No. No, Gibby.

No. You wanted the story
of a man's life.

Well, this is the story
of a man's life,

and it's poignant,
it's compelling,

and it's the book
that you bought.

Temper, Marty.

Don't get your nuts in a knot.

It's just a suggestion.

Maybe he gets a big yellow dog.

Now, look.

Maybe not.

Is it too angry?

It's very angry.

But it's funny, right?
I can make it funnier.

Okay, I'm gonna be
totally honest with you now.

It's perfect.

Really.

I wouldn't change a thing.

This is very disconcerting.

I've never written anything
that I've actually liked.

It's making it very hard
to maintain a low self-image.

Sorry.

Thanks.

Here we go.

Hm-mmm.

I bet I would have made
a really great old person.

Hmm.

Are you expecting someone?

Hello?

It's me, darling.

Shh. It's my mother.

Come on in.

Do you have a mother, Martin?

- Oh, yeah.
- Then I don't need to explain.

Oh, darling.

I was in the city,
visiting your sister
and the baby,

who still runs from me,
by the way.

Although Kathy swears
she doesn't know why,

and I thought I would just come
by and bring up a few things.

Oh, you're not alone.

Mother, this is Martin Tupper.

Martin, this is my mother,
Kitty Brewer.

Hello, Martin Tupper.

It's nice to meet you.

So, what are the few things?

Oh, cereal, apples, lasagna,

macaroni and cheese, broccoli,

turkey pot pie,
chicken pot pie.

Mother, you know
I'm not eating meat anymore.

Darling, chicken is not meat.

Chicken is chicken.

There's no room in the freezer.

Then you'll just have to eat
more to make room.

You need your strength.

If you want to hit her
with a lamp, Martin,

be my guest.

So.

How long have you been
seeing Peter?

Seeing?

Oh, Martin, dear,
it's all right.

You don't have to pretend.

I know all about Peter.

We talk. It's just fine.

No, really,
we're just working on others--

My mother's right, Martin.

We don't need to keep our love
a secret from her.

Alice, what's going on with
that funny little head of yours?

- We don't?
- No.

We have nothing
to be ashamed of.

That's true. We don't.

Mrs. Brewer.

Or-- or should I call you Mom?

Peter talks
about you all the time.

Oh, really?

Oh, God, just the other day
he was saying how much he wishes

he could spend more time with
you. Isn't that right, hon?

Of course.

- Can I tell her?
- Tell her what?

Peter wants
to take you on a cruise.

A cruise?

Really?

Ten days.
Just the two of you.

Oh, Peter, I would love that.

Well, we...

Just one of my little "jokes."

Well, of course, it's my treat.

Oh, I'll call my travel agent
in the morning.

Oh, she's marvelous.

We can do
the Caribbean or Mexico.

Ooh, that sounds wonderful.

I'll be right back.

I've just got to go hurl myself
off the fire escape.

Oh, Martin, dear,

I'm so glad he's found someone.

Oh, well, yeah.

Do me a favor.

Sure, sure.

Take good care of him.

Promise me.

I-- I promise.

Marty!

Hey.

Oh, good for you.

King Cobra!

Uh, Gibby, listen.

- Have you read
Peter's latest pages?
- Yeah.

Yeah?
What did you think of that
scene at the Russian Tea Room?

I got excited.

This is one
of the most exciting books
I've ever worked on, you know.

Well, it's about
to get more exciting, Marty.

What would you say if I told you
we were getting rid
of this Peter fella

and doing the book
with Lucas Hill?

- What?
- Hey, watch the boots, Marty.

- Watch the boots.
- Gibby.

What are you talking about?

You mean Lucas Hill,
the quarterback?

Yeah, found out
through a friend of mine
in the medical profession

that Mr. Hill is positive
with this HIV thing.

Though I scooped the boys
at Random House

and got us the book.

Gibby, we can't just
drop Peter like this.

You know,
this book is important.

I don't care if he's
Oscar Fucking Wild, Marty.

You can't seriously expect us
to publish the story

of some pillow-biter
from the West Village

rather than Lucas Hills.

Why not?

Oh, don't be dense, Marty.

My guy does sneaker commercials.

He sleeps with women.
He's a national hero.

This is a tragedy.

And with my guy,
it's not a tragedy?

Well, no one cares
about your guy, Marty.

I care about my guy.

I suppose at this point
we should once again

explore this
employer-employee relationship.

We're going with my guy.

You're a pig, Gibby.

Don't forget
to wash your hands, Marty.
Hygiene is everything.

Hitler has ordered you.

- Excuse me.
- Sorry. Is Peter here?

No. Mr. Peter in hospital.

Hospital?

You tell him,
toilet like, "Shh."

Peter?

Mmm.

Nope. Not dead yet.

I can see that.

Is it the pneumonia again?

Yeah, but I look good.

And that's what counts.

Thank you.

- How do you feel?
- Shitty.

I've got the worst
writer's cramp.

Oh, here.

Good luck reading my writing.

My father was a doctor.

Uh...

Peter, look at you.

Why don't you just forget
about the book for right now?

Okay? You need to rest.

I need to write.

Okay.

I have to tell you something.

What?

Gibby...

You gotta do it.

...loves
the Russian Tea Room stuff.

Great.

Can they sue us
for printing that?

Wait a minute.
What the fuck do I care?

Nice decor, huh?

I can't believe I'm gonna spend

the rest of my life
in this room.

Wait. Wait.

Just, uh, you know, just--

Uh-huh.

Peter.

You're making me feel
like Ali MacGraw.

Hey.
See that sweater over there?

That's for you.

My mother knitted that.

She loved you.

Oh, does-- does this mean
I'm gonna have to start

going to family weddings
or something?

Oh, yeah,
and if I don't get out of here,

you're going on that cruise
with my mother.

No, no, no, no.

By the way, did I tell you?

I'll be moving to another state
and changing my name?

No.

You don't get off
that easy, Marty.

She'll track you down.

Hi, Kitty.

Martin. Hello.

How's it going?

I can't seem
to throw anything away.

A doodle pad
with phone numbers on it.

An unfinished crossword puzzle.

Here. I brought this for you.

It's-- it's Peter's book.

Oh, thank you.

I'm just so sorry,
it's never
going to be published.

Just between you and me,
I took it over to Random House.

Okay? It's gonna be out
the beginning of December.

And, uh, I don't know.

It turns out they, uh...

they needed
a Christmas book, so...

You did good, Martin Tupper.

Oh. That's my daughter.
I should go.

I want you to have this.

Peter's father gave it to him
when he was a little boy.

No, no, I couldn't take that.

Really, you should have that.

Oh.

Martin, darling,
can you see me with a yo-yo?

Please.

Thank you, Kitty.

I'm coming.

My daughter, she's so impatient.

Well...

I guess that's about everything.

You take care, Martin.

You too, Kitty.

So long, Pete.