Original subtitles

Toby, could you come in here?

What am I, invisible?

Oh. Could you get me the Gallagher file?

- The Gallagher file? - Yes, yes, the Gallagher file.

You want the Gallagher file?

I'll give you the Gallagher file.

Mr. Monteleoni, I--

I can't tell you how pleased I am

that you decided to talk to us first.

You know, I...

I can get you an ashtray for those...

Or you can just drop 'em on the floor

and we'll just get them later.

Anyway, Mr. Monteleoni, when I heard

that you had written a book while you were in...

the place you were in,

I thought to myself...

Money.

...now there's a guy with a story to tell.

I mean, any book written by a...

- Thief. - Bandit. - Murderer.

...man such as yourself is gonna be big.

What does that mean?

A man such as myself.

Well, it's, uh... It's just that.

I mean, I'm sure you've led an interesting life.

Done a lot of interesting things.

Met a lot of interesting people.

Anyway, Mr. Monteleoni,

Don.

Oh.

Oh, I-I'm sorry.

I didn't know if that was appropriate, but, uh, but sure.

Anyway, Don Monteleoni.

No, just Don.

That's my name, Donald.

Donald Monteleoni.

Oh!

I'm sorry.

I thought that...

Anyway, Don, um...

Do you think I could see the book?

Why?

It's just... you know,

it's highly unusual to make a bid on a book

without reading it first, you know?

You don't trust Don Monteleoni?

No, no, no.

I mean, yes, yes.

Of course I do.

I thought you was a man of honor.

Uh... Where are you going?

When you insult my book, you insult me.

I am going to Random House.

Wait. Random House?

I'm sure this is a great book. In fact...

Careful on those.

Even without reading it, I know it's a great book because...

Because you're a great man, and that's a great coat.

Please. We'll take the book.

- I'll think about it. - Please do.

We may be a small house, but you'll get a lot of personal attention.

I mean, you know, we're like a family here.

Well, not like your family, but...

I said I'll think about it.

Anyway, it's been a pleasure meeting you.

And you too.

You big pistachio-eating fuck.

Toby?

Toby!

Forgive me for interrupting your quiet time.

What? I-I... I was just dusting the keyboard.

With your face? Toby, what's going on with you?

It's nothing. I'm fine.

Well, for the past couple of weeks, you've been...

I don't know. You've been acting...

As though you were,

well, heading for a nervous breakdown.

You just haven't been yourself.

It's-It's nothing.

Now, look, if I get this Monteleoni book,

things are gonna be insane.

I cannot have you falling asleep all the time.

Now, if you want to take some time off, I'll just get a temp.

I'm fine.

If you must know, I've been having these nightmares lately.

Can we drop it now?

Nightmares? I mean, about what?

It's nothing. Drop it. I'll deal with it.

Well, maybe you need a little, you know, help dealing with it.

What do you mean?

I mean, maybe you should, you know, just see someone.

What, like a date?

No, no, it's-- a professional.

What, like a gigolo? Who are you?

A therapist, Toby.

A therapist.

Eh, no.

Here, give Judith a call. I'm sure she can help.

- Come on. - Martin, I told you I'll deal with it.

It won't affect my work, so butt out.

Okay.

I need the Polk manuscript, okay? The one with my changes.

Polk manuscript?

It's in the shredder.

I shredded it.

Is that a problem?

Well, sometimes,

I don't know why, but sometimes I find myself having erotic thoughts about...

Tim Conway.

I mean, I'm not gay or anything.

It's just that, I mean, he's so petite.

I just want to hold him in my arms and caress his head.

Toby?

Sometimes I just hear the theme from McHale's Navy,

and I get an erection.

Oh, that does it.

Someone trade seats with me.

Toby, please. We don't pass judgment here.

Now, it's perfectly healthy to have sexual fantasies.

Bruce, go on.

No, I can't. I'm too embarrassed.

You should be. Tim Conway?

Lyle Waggoner, maybe.

All right, Bruce, we'll just come back to you later, okay?

Uh, Laura, how are you doing?

Is it still the car problem?

Well, it's getting worse.

Every time I go near my car, I start to shake,

and then I can't breathe,

and-and then-- and then I feel like I'm paralyzed.

- Have you tried those-- - Wait a second.

Is this a fear of all cars or just your car in particular?

- Toby, please. - Let her answer.

No, just my car.

Well, let's delve a little deeper and see--

So sell your car.

This is Manhattan. You don't need a car.

Take a bus. Take a taxi.

Oh.

Well, I never thought of that.

Laura, don't you think that's a short-term solution?

Hey, does anybody here want to buy a 1988 Chevy Corsica?

It's mint condition, only 107 miles.

All right. It's Toby's turn.

So, Toby, why don't you tell us why you're here?

It's really none of their business.

Toby, this is group. You wanted to be in group.

It was cheaper.

I know this is hard, but try to open up.

Tell us what's bothering you.

Well, I've been having these nightmares lately.

And what were the nightmares about?

I'd tell you if you'd let me finish.

I've been having these nightmares about killing Martin.

Oh. So you've been having nightmares about killing your boss.

What is there? An echo in here?

Anyways, it's been going on for a while.

Last night, I dreamed I sliced his head clean off with a paper cutter.

And Tuesday night, I rammed a pair of scissors

right through his eye into his brain.

How do you feel about your boss?

He's okay. I mean, he pisses me off sometimes,

but not enough to smash his skull with a Rolodex.

Toby, dreams can very often be symbolic.

In all likelihood, this isn't about your boss.

He's just a symbol for any authority figure.

Could be your father or--

Hey, you leave my father out of this.

Charlie Petalby was a great man.

Sure, okay, he wasn't perfect.

I mean, he had this terrible habit of sucking his teeth, you know?

To get the food out between 'em.

It drove me crazy.

Tell us more about your father.

Well, he loved to garden more than anything.

Of course, we lived in an apartment building,

so you can imagine his frustration.

And he looked at me, and all he said was--

and I'll never forget this--

all he said was, "Nice hat."

"Nice hat."

I never told him how much that hurt me.

He always loved my sister Gina more than me.

They shared this mutual love of Perry Como.

I just never saw the appeal.

All right, Toby, we're gonna have to stop here.

Everyone else, I'll see you next Wednesday.

That wasn't so bad.

Except for the guy with the Tim Conway thing.

Uh, typing-- 125 words per minute.

Wow.

Dana, this r

Uh...

Now, I hate to ask you this, but, uh...

do you have any history of mental illness

or personality disorder?

And I only ask because my current secretary's a little...

unstable.

No, no mental problems here.

Terrific. Well, Dana, you're hired.

You're hired. When can you start?

Um, Mr. Tupper, I'm having some reservations.

It's kind of embarrassing.

I find myself very attracted to you,

and I'm concerned that might interfere

with our working relationship.

Oh... Dana...

I'm flattered.

But, uh, we're both mature adults,

and I think if we maintain a strictly professional demeanor,

uh, there shouldn't be a problem.

Jesus!

Toby, where's my coffee?

Toby, have you seen my pencil?

Enough already!

What you said to me the other day,

I, as a man of honor, cannot disregard.

Therefore, I know what I gotta do.

- You're gonna kill me. - I gotta let you

publish my book.

Yippee!

Don...

I-- s--

Don.

You're making the right decision, really. Really.

I'll have our legal people work out the deal with your lawyers.

- No lawyers. - No lawyers.

You got it. No lawyers it is.

So, uh, in terms of your cash advance,

I was thinking of, um...

I did not write this book for money.

I got enough money.

I give the book to you as a gift.

That's very generous of you.

Someday, of course, you will repay this gift.

You want to get me into some kind of trouble.

I don't know what it is, but...

whatever you want from me, the answer's no.

You hear me? It's just no. No.

No, Don. Really?

You should get some money. Consider it a gift from us.

How substantial a gift?

Well, I was thinking of a cash advance of, say... $40,000?

I suppose I could accept $40,000 as a favor to you.

This is terrific.

Of course, this means that you still owe me a favor.

Nobody's gonna make me do anything I don't want to do.

How much would it take to get us out of the favor zone?

$75,000 against a $600,000 guarantee

plus 5% of the gross

and all the necessary ancillaries

and substantial promotionals.

I think I can live with that.

I'll have our legal department draw up the contract.

Right, right. No. No contracts.

Your word is good enough for me.

So tomorrow you'll bring the book

and I'll have your advance, and we'll get to work.

I'll see myself out.

Oh.

Toby, could you come in here, please?

- How are you feeling? - How do I look?

Good Lord, if we're gonna have creatures like that

roaming around the lobby,

what was the point in redecorating?

You look a lot better.

Okay, we got a lot of work to do, so let's get to it.

You'd better write this down. Call Jensen in Legal.

I need him to sign off on an oral agreement.

- Work! - Call Carol in Publicity.

I want press releases in all the papers.

- Work. - And then you better get back

in here, I have a lot of dictation to do.

What, you want me to work through lunch?

That'll be fine.

- Work! - You'd better go through

all the newspapers and magazines from the past five years.

Pull any articles on Monteleoni.

And I need those by Monday's staff meeting.

But I'll have to come in over the weekend.

- Okay. - Well, I have plans

over the weekend.

Can you cancel them?

- Oh, I suppose, but I... - Perfect. Good.

Toby, what am I thinking?

Get production to clear the presses

for the first two weeks of next month.

Then we gotta do something-- Throw out everything on my desk.

Just throw it out.

Just work, work, work.

I came this close to harpooning a No. 2 pencil

right through his head.

Just like in the dream.

Toby, maybe we should consider the possibility

that these dreams aren't about your father.

They could just be about your boss.

Excuse me?

Well, I get the feeling that you're harboring

very strong feelings of hostility towards him.

You're suppressing them during the day,

and so they're coming out at night in your dreams.

Let me see if I follow this.

You're telling me that when I dream I want to kill Martin,

that means I want to kill Martin?

In a sense, yes.

I paid a hundred bucks for that?

Boy, you got some kind of a racket going on here.

I mean, you went to school for this?

No, Toby, there's a lot more.

You should be paying me.

Hi.

Hey, after all,

I cured the lady with the car thing.

Look at her. She never looked better.

Well, I think we've made a breakthrough here.

So, let's try and dig a little deeper

and find out where all this hostility is coming from.

Has your boss been unusually hard on you lately?

Yeah, lately, but mostly he treats me the same way

he's treated me the last nine years.

Well, ten years actually. It was ten years last Tuesday.

And when did you say these nightmares began?

Last Tue...

Oh, my God.

You are good!

You are very good!

Thank you, Toby.

Wow!

So now what?

This is a...

This is about a butterfly.

Yeah, yeah.

I thought this book was going to be about you.

I mean, about your life.

Well, it is, yeah, sure.

It's an allegory.

I see myself as a butterfly.

I started out as a moth.

Dirty, ugly, chewing holes in people's clothes.

But then they captured me, they put me in a jar,

and in the jar, a miraculous transformation took place,

and I started to ti--

No.

I don't want to spoil the ending for you.

You were a moth, and you turned into a butterfly.

Yeah.

- In a jar. - Yeah.

Well, I got to be honest with you, Don, I...

...have no intention whatever of paying you one red cent.

I'm having some problems with this.

Problems? What problems?

Well, first of all, moths don't turn into butterflies.

Caterpillars turn into butterflies.

Who gives a shit? It's a fucking allegory.

Toby, thank God you're here.

- I quit. - What do you mean you quit?

I quit. Which words don't you understand?

Why? Why are you quitting?

My therapist recommended it.

Vito, show him my drawings.

Uh-huh.

Here.

Ah...

Could you excuse me for a minute?

Judith, what the hell did you say to her?

Martin, you know I can't discuss this with you.

Then why did you tell her to quit?

She quit?

I never told her to quit.

Martin, I'm a therapist. We don't tell people to do anything.

Well, you must have told her something because she quit.

Wow.

Well, how do you feel?

Well, I feel like I can't find my files.

I feel like there's no one to answer my phone.

Well, you know, Martin, maybe you should just explore these feelings.

Okay. Fuck you, Judith.

Toby?

What the hell's going on?

If you don't know, I'm not gonna tell you.

Ah, come on, Toby.

Now talk to me. Why did you quit?

You wanna know? You really wanna know?

I can't work for you anymore.

I feel too much anger towards you, and I just can't express it.

What are you talking about? You're always expressing it.

You're the angriest person I know.

No, I got it bottled up inside of me,

and it builds and it builds.

Well, then just express it.

- I can't. - Come on, come on.

Get it over with then come back to work.

- No. - Come on, come on. I'm all ears.

- No! - Goddamn it, express it!

...three, four...

Oh, my God. Are you all right?

Look at his eyes.

Like a dead fish.

What the hell was that for?

You forgot our anniversary.

What?

Last Tuesday was our tenth anniversary.

Ten years, Martin.

And in ten years, what?

No flowers, no candy, no nothing.

Not even a card.

Oh, gee, Toby, I didn't realize.

You wanna know how I celebrated our anniversary?

I collated 12 copies of a 400-page manuscript by hand

because the collator was broken and you wanted it ASAP.

I needed it ASAP.

You see what I mean? I'm nothing to you but a piece of office equipment.

I'm a collator. I'm a stapler. I'm a hole punch. That's all.

I'll get you some ice.

Oh, Toby, it's...

Toby, I don't think you're a hole punch.

You're a...

a person.

Oh, really?

If I'm a person, what color are my eyes?

Your eyes?

Uh...

Come on. Your eyes are, uh...

Green and gold.

Misty dawn gray and desert sunrise blue.

Orange and coconut.

- Sea colored? - They're blue!

Right. Right, blue.

Blue's a sea color.

Martin, I want out.

This relationship is not working for me anymore.

I give and I give, and all you do is take.

- Here. - Thank you.

In ten years, have you ever once gotten me a cup of coffee?

Have you ever once ordered me lunch?

No, but...

That's not my job. That's your job.

You know, you're my secretary.

Oh, so that means you don't ever have

to straighten up my desk or bring me anything?

Well...

Martin, will you bring in the Larson/Corning file, please?

No, that's what I pay you for.

You're hopeless.

Toby, what do you want from me?

I'm here. I'm asking you to come back. I mean...

what more can I possibly do?

I need to know that you care.

I care.

Oh, sure. You care.

But do you care? There's a difference.

It's a little hard to grasp, don't you think?

Uh-huh.

I see.

Do you realize that in ten years,

you've spent more time with me than with any other woman?

And in ten years, have you ever once said those three little words?

- You mean... - Let's go swimming.

What exactly do you mean?

You know what I mean. Those three little words.

Don't get me wrong.

I don't mean anything romantic,

but, you know...

Toby...

I... I...

I appreciate you. You know, I really do.

Appreciate? Ten years and all I get is appreciate.

Well, I...

I value you. A lot.

You know, you're an important part of my life.

- And? - And...

you're there for me every day.

I mean, the office.

You know, the office couldn't function without you.

- And? - And...

I guess in a certain, very qualified employer-employee kind of way, I...

I love you.

Oh, really? How much?

Don't push it.

Thank you very much, Toby.

No sweat.

By the way, your eleven o'clock meeting

with Don Monteleoni is canceled.

- Why? - 'Cause he's dead.

Dead?

He bought it last night

at Arturo's Clam House.

Oh, my God. What is this, a mob hit?

He choked on an oyster.

I guess we can't do the book now.

Geez. Why don't you send 'em back to Vito with my condolences

and just throw in a couple of pounds of pistachios.

Nice gesture. So how's the face?

It's fine. Fine.

Uh, you don't plan on expressing yourself

like that on a regular basis?

Only when you get out of line.

You know, it's...

it's great to have you back, Toby.

Because I... I do love you.

I do.

And I don't mean just as a secretary.

I love you... as a woman.