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- All right, people, it's almost Thanksgiving,
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and that means the annual Turkey Trot is nearly upon us.
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How is it that we haven't found one sponsor
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to help pay for this event?
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- South Park's just fallen on hard times, Mayor.
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Nobody's got the money.
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- Tegridy Farms used to be a sponsor of the Turkey Trot,
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but as you know, we've recently all lost Tegridy.
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So I'm afraid we just can't help.
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- What about the City Asian Pop Up Store?
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Can't they help sponsor this year's race?
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- How City Asian Pop Up pay for Turkey Trot?
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We gotta pay tariff!
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We more fucked than anybody!
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- Let's just face it, Mayor, South Park businesses
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are dying and a lot of good people have lost their jobs.
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- Trash? Anybody got trash?
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- Oh, yeah, here's some. Bank shot!
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- There has to be a solution, people.
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The Turkey Trot is the one time of year
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this town comes together as a community.
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We all need it now, more than ever.
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- Well, of course, there is someone
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who'd be willing to give South Park a bunch of money.
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I mean, they're giving money to everyone else.
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Why not us?
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- My God.
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That's it!
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This Thanksgiving morning,
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lace up for holiday fun and tradition.
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It's the 28th annual South Park Turkey Trot.
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Sponsored by...
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Saudi Arabia!
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It's a 5K race absolutely stuffed
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with Thanksgiving traditions.
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And the first one across the finish line
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wins their team $5,000!
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Sign up your team now!
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All ages are welcome!
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Disparaging remarks towards the Saudi Royal family
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are strictly prohibited.
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Start your Thanksgiving with this time-honored tradition.
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The South Park Turkey Trot.
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- $5,000, you guys.
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The winner of this year's Turkey Trot
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gets $5,000 from Saudi Arabia.
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Like, if anybody's gonna get money from Saudi Arabia,
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it should be us.
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- And just one person has to win the race
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and your whole team gets the money?
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- Yeah! - Dude, that is crazy!
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- We should just get a bunch of kids on our team,
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and then the chances of one of us winning is way better.
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- Yeah, but then you gotta split the prize money more ways.
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- It's true, man.
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I say we keep our team to four, five runners, max.
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- Nobody said we wanted you on the team.
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Yeah, you kinda slow us down.
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- Oh, no, no, no, trust me.
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You want me on the racing team.
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I happen to be an expert in race science, you guys.
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I know a way to give our team an optimal winning advantage.
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- Tolkien!
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Hey, man.
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Listen, I was, uh--
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I was just wondering whose team
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you're thinking of being on for the big Turkey Trot.
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- Turkey Trot? - You know, the big footrace
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Thanksgiving morning?
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First place wins 5,000 bucks for his whole team.
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- Oh. I'm not really a runner.
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- Yeah, right.
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Of course you're a runner, Tolkien.
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Sorry, guys, just give me one second.
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- What the hell is he doing? - I don't know.
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- All right, look, Tolkien,
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I'm a racing science expert, OK?
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The data shows your race always wins races.
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Whoa, whoa, Tolkien. Tolkien.
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Come on, man, it's Thanksgiving.
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If you don't want to race for yourself,
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then do it for the needy-- Kenny and Stan.
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I mean, Stan's family lost their home, dude.
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Those guys could really use the money,
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and all the analytics show that with you on the team,
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we can't lose.
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Could you--could you just do it for Thanksgiving?
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- All right, fine.
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- Yes? He said yes!
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- Jesus Christ, Mitch.
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A $5,000 prize for the Turkey Trot?
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Everyone in town is gonna want to do this race.
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- I was kind of thinking of signing the family up, sir.
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We could really use some of that Saudi Arabian dough.
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- Can't do it, Mitch. We're gonna be busy on race day.
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Sir!
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The White house is calling again.
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They're demanding we release the prisoner.
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- Tell them we're busy.
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- But they said if we don't comply,
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they're gonna send in Pete Hegseth
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and the Department of War.
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- Who's Pete Hegseth?
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- Yeah! Yeah!
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Hey, what's up, guys? This is Pete Hegseth
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with the Department of War!
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We're here to infiltrate this police station and extract a POI
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'cause that's what we do!
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At ease, soldier!
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The President of the United States orders you
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to release custody of the prisoner to me immediately.
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- I warned you I had powerful friends.
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- Yeah, well, Totoro still has to be processed
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and seen by a judge.
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And we have a big Turkey Trot to deal with,
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so it's gonna be a few days.
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- Hey, man, I don't think you understand.
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You're messing with the Department of War!
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And we mean business.
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We don't stand down for anyone!
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Be sure to like and subscribe.
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All right, let's do this!
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- All right, I certainly don't want to tangle with you guys.
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How about you just push the secret button in the floor
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over here and the jail cell doors will all open.
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- The secret button? - Yeah, it's in the floor.
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Right there, you see it?
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It's right--there it is! - Ah, ah, ahh!
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- Now get your little bitch ass out of my town.
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- Oh, you--
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I dare you to do that again.
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and did you already register
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your racing team online?
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- Yeah, it's, uh, Jimbo and Ned.
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We're racing with the Kiwanis Gun Club.
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- Yes, here you go.
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Good luck with the race, happy Thanksgiving,
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and .
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- Uh, it's Mackey. Mr. Mackey, mmkay.
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OK, Mr. Mackey, and how many on your team?
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- Oh, I'm not on no team, mmkay.
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I need that sweet Saudi Arabian money all for myself.
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- All right, guys, we got our racing numbers.
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- Damn, dude, there's so many people signing up.
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How are we ever gonna win?
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- Don't worry, you guys,
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I've been scoping out the competition.
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That group over there is the Rotary Club.
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They won last year, but they're all, like, old now.
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- Over there is the City Pop Up team.
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The race science says they'll race smart,
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but not necessarily fast, so we're good there.
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Oh, hey, Stan.
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You gonna do the Turkey Trot this year?
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- Yeah. You guys are too?
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- Hell yeah, we are! $5,000!
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- Oh, yeah, I'm sure all four of you ladies
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have a really awesome chance of winning.
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- There's actually five of us.
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- Hey, guys, what's up?
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- Well, we'll see you at the race.
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- All right, see ya!
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- They're teaching race science to girls now?
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What the hell kind of country are we living in?
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Commitment!
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Strength!
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The ability to obliterate our enemies!
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That is the Department of War!
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What's up, guys? I'm Pete Hegseth.
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We're outside this woke liberal town
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that is actually defying our government,
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and nobody defies the Department of War!
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Pete Hegseth will do whatever it takes!
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I'm here to kick bubblegum and chew ass,
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and I'm all outta ass.
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I'll do whatever's necessary to get the job done!
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Oh, yeah, look at that!
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That's the President of the United States calling me,
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right now!
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Yes, Mr. President?
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- Hegseth!
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What the fuck are you doing?
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Did you get Peter Thiel?
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No, sir, we were unable to extract the prisoner.
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We were met with resistance from the woke local police force.
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- God damn it, we gave you one job to do.
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We need Peter Thiel here at the White house.
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- Sir, yes, sir!
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I'm gonna need the full might of the Department of War!
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I'll need all our tanks and guns and dudes!
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- Then you've got it.
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Just get us the prisoner, no matter what it takes!
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- Hell yeah!
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- And Hegseth, don't just make a bunch of content.
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Like, actually go and do something.
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- Be sure to like and subscribe, guys.
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Yes, sir, Mr. President! I will make this town pay!
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- God, he is such a douchebag.
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- All right, men, we'll have a full army here by tomorrow.
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And then that smalltown cop
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is gonna see he messed with the wrong guy.
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- It's the morning of the big race,
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and all of South Park appears to have turned out
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in the spirit of community.
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People are putting on their numbers
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and rocking out their festive costumes.
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I'm with Police Chief Harris,
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and Chief, your guys have been working overtime.
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- Yeah, well, we just want to make sure
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everyone has a safe Thanksgiving morning.
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We want people to stay hydrated and be responsible.
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Let's have a good Turkey Trot.
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- Now, of course, there's a lot of money on the line
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for the team of the race winner,
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and so some people are turning to race science.
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- That's right, you know, a lot of people these days
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want to debunk science.
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You know, vaccine's cause autism,
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jet fuel leaves chemtrails,
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but when it comes to racing science, it's science.
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- Certainly a lot of runners hoping to cash in today,
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so may the best turkey win.
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- All right, you guys ready to run?
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We got this. Come on, team, let's go!
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Where's Tolkien? - Oh, you didn't hear?
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- I didn't hear what?
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- Tolkien says he's not gonna race.
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- What do you mean Tolkien's not going to race?
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- He said because it's being sponsored by Saudi Arabia,
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he's bowing out for political reasons.
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- Are you fucking joking? - No.
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- God damn it, wait here!
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- Welcome, everyone to the 28th annual South Park Turkey Trot!
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This is a wonderful turnout,
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and I'm sure you'll all help me in thanking this year's sponsor,
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Saudi Arabia!
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- Holy shit!
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Holy shit, we've got an Antifa uprising!
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All right, Department of War, listen up!
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The people of this town are starting an insurrection!
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But they will not stand in the way of us getting our man!
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Tolkien!
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Tolkien?
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Tolkien!
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Dude, what the hell are you doing?
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- Playing "Arc Raiders."
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- The guys said you're not gonna race
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because it's being sponsored by Saudi Arabia?
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- Yeah, just doesn't feel right.
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- "It doesn't feel right"?
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- Yeah, doesn't feel right. - "It doesn't feel right"?
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What, Tolkien, you don't like that Saudi Arabia
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is buying American stuff?
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They're trying to be progressive, OK?
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You want them to go back to what they were doing?
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You want Saudi Arabia to just go back to cutting people up
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and paying Kevin Hart? Is that what you want?
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- I can't see the screen.
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- Tolkien, you can't whine about a country
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00:11:54,880 --> 00:11:56,620
trying to come into the 21st century.
261
00:11:56,750 --> 00:11:59,370
Them wanting to help pay for American things is good.
262
00:11:59,410 --> 00:12:01,320
'Cause guess what? If Saudi Arabia is out
263
00:12:01,370 --> 00:12:02,540
paying for sporting events,
264
00:12:02,590 --> 00:12:03,810
they're not out hacking up reporters
265
00:12:03,890 --> 00:12:05,890
and inviting Pete Davidson to come do comedy.
266
00:12:13,820 --> 00:12:16,600
- All right, everyone, on your mark...
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00:12:23,300 --> 00:12:25,260
Get set...
268
00:12:35,010 --> 00:12:36,450
- Holy shit!
269
00:12:36,580 --> 00:12:38,710
Shots fired! Shots fired!
270
00:12:38,840 --> 00:12:42,450
Get set up over there! We need content! Now!
271
00:12:42,580 --> 00:12:44,930
What's up, guys? Pete Hegseth, Department of War.
272
00:12:44,980 --> 00:12:46,630
We are being fired upon!
273
00:12:46,720 --> 00:12:49,460
There's an uprising here. Some kind of insurrection.
274
00:12:49,590 --> 00:12:51,590
Make sure to like and subscribe!
275
00:12:56,470 --> 00:12:58,210
- You can hear the liberal terrorists
276
00:12:58,290 --> 00:13:00,430
all screaming and chanting behind us.
277
00:13:00,510 --> 00:13:01,990
We're gonna take 'em on!
278
00:13:02,080 --> 00:13:03,560
Just another day in the Department of War!
279
00:13:03,650 --> 00:13:04,780
Let's move out!
280
00:13:04,820 --> 00:13:07,040
- Did you know that since 2018,
281
00:13:07,090 --> 00:13:09,520
they actually allow women to drive in Saudi Arabia?
282
00:13:09,650 --> 00:13:12,260
They allow women to drive!
283
00:13:12,310 --> 00:13:15,620
It's like practically a lesbian utopia over there.
284
00:13:15,660 --> 00:13:18,100
- Can you please just let me enjoy my Thanksgiving morning?
285
00:13:18,140 --> 00:13:20,450
- Oh, yeah, sure, who cares about lesbian utopia?
286
00:13:20,490 --> 00:13:22,710
Not Tolkien. Tolkien wants Saudi Arabia
287
00:13:22,840 --> 00:13:24,450
to just keep chopping off gay people's heads.
288
00:13:24,490 --> 00:13:26,020
That's way better, isn't it?
289
00:13:26,100 --> 00:13:28,760
You're being a dick, bro. - Go away.
290
00:13:30,890 --> 00:13:32,460
- All right, Tolkien, you know what?
291
00:13:32,500 --> 00:13:34,720
Fine. If you really don't want to be
292
00:13:34,850 --> 00:13:38,030
a part of our country embracing Saudi Arabia's desire to change,
293
00:13:38,070 --> 00:13:39,810
then we don't need you.
294
00:13:44,250 --> 00:13:45,600
- Hey!
295
00:13:46,650 --> 00:13:48,780
Hey, gimme back my Xbox!
296
00:13:48,820 --> 00:13:51,220
- Come get it, asshole!
297
00:13:59,310 --> 00:14:00,490
- Come on.
298
00:14:00,530 --> 00:14:02,490
Come on, we gotta get that money.
299
00:14:03,580 --> 00:14:05,580
- The rioting terrorists appear to be advancing
300
00:14:05,620 --> 00:14:07,280
north, northeast.
301
00:14:07,360 --> 00:14:08,970
Our plan, gentlemen,
302
00:14:09,100 --> 00:14:12,280
is to intercept them at this location here,
303
00:14:12,320 --> 00:14:15,110
and get as much content as we possibly can.
304
00:14:15,150 --> 00:14:18,290
It's quite possible we'll also be needing to get content
305
00:14:18,330 --> 00:14:20,160
in this area, so be ready.
306
00:14:20,290 --> 00:14:23,250
Third Battalion, you'll be posting up here.
307
00:14:23,290 --> 00:14:26,080
I want you posting on Instagram and Twitter.
308
00:14:26,160 --> 00:14:27,860
Alpha Team post here.
309
00:14:27,950 --> 00:14:29,650
Bravo Team content there.
310
00:14:32,820 --> 00:14:34,650
- All right, everyone, stand by.
311
00:14:34,740 --> 00:14:36,310
At ease, soldier.
312
00:14:36,350 --> 00:14:38,180
We heard there's a civilian uprising.
313
00:14:38,220 --> 00:14:40,310
- Yeah, we don't need Homeland Security's help.
314
00:14:40,400 --> 00:14:42,090
We got it. - We're just here to assist
315
00:14:42,180 --> 00:14:43,360
in any way we can.
316
00:14:43,490 --> 00:14:45,310
That's what Homeland Security does.
317
00:14:45,400 --> 00:14:47,100
Be sure to like and subscribe, guys.
318
00:14:47,140 --> 00:14:48,930
We've got a-- - Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
319
00:14:49,060 --> 00:14:50,750
This is not your content.
320
00:14:50,800 --> 00:14:53,670
Everyone like and subscribe to Department of War!
321
00:15:04,550 --> 00:15:05,900
- Come on. Come on.
322
00:15:05,990 --> 00:15:08,080
You got this. I got it.
323
00:15:15,080 --> 00:15:18,130
- God damn it! Gimme my Xbox!
324
00:15:18,220 --> 00:15:21,700
- Tolkien, how can you not catch up to me?
325
00:15:23,740 --> 00:15:26,400
You're not even trying!
326
00:15:26,530 --> 00:15:27,970
- I am trying!
327
00:15:28,100 --> 00:15:32,140
I told you, I'm not a runner!
328
00:15:32,190 --> 00:15:33,620
- Yes, you are!
329
00:15:33,750 --> 00:15:37,020
Will you stop fucking around?
330
00:15:52,900 --> 00:15:54,600
- Homeland Security to Department of War.
331
00:15:54,690 --> 00:15:57,780
The protestors are headed your way.
332
00:15:57,820 --> 00:15:59,610
- Stand down, Homeland Security.
333
00:15:59,740 --> 00:16:01,170
This is our content.
334
00:16:01,220 --> 00:16:02,570
- There's too many of 'em!
335
00:16:14,230 --> 00:16:15,800
- Here they come.
336
00:16:15,840 --> 00:16:18,410
Everyone, hold your positions!
337
00:16:18,490 --> 00:16:20,800
Department of War will not be intimidated!
338
00:16:24,240 --> 00:16:26,110
Hold.
339
00:16:27,720 --> 00:16:29,850
Hold!
340
00:16:32,380 --> 00:16:34,600
Fire the tear gas! Yeah!
341
00:16:40,860 --> 00:16:43,260
Dude.
342
00:16:43,390 --> 00:16:44,690
Dude, which way are we supposed to go?
343
00:16:44,820 --> 00:16:47,610
I can't--I can't see nothing.
344
00:16:51,270 --> 00:16:53,180
- Tolkien? Tolkien!
345
00:16:53,310 --> 00:16:55,790
Where the hell did you go?
346
00:17:13,030 --> 00:17:15,070
What the hell's going on?
347
00:17:15,200 --> 00:17:16,420
- We don't know.
348
00:17:16,470 --> 00:17:18,030
- Well, how the hell are we supposed to race
349
00:17:18,120 --> 00:17:19,250
if they've blocked the road?
350
00:17:23,910 --> 00:17:25,740
- Look, all I know is that
351
00:17:25,860 --> 00:17:28,350
the Stotch family is in big financial trouble this year.
352
00:17:28,480 --> 00:17:30,390
We have to reach that finish line.
353
00:17:30,520 --> 00:17:33,130
- You think you fucked? We gotta pay tariff!
354
00:17:33,220 --> 00:17:35,350
That prize money is our only chance.
355
00:17:35,480 --> 00:17:38,010
- Does anyone have a Turkey Trot route map?
356
00:17:38,050 --> 00:17:39,660
- Yeah, I've got one here.
357
00:17:39,710 --> 00:17:40,620
- All right, let's see.
358
00:17:42,930 --> 00:17:45,230
So if this area's all blocked off,
359
00:17:45,360 --> 00:17:46,930
then our best chance at getting to the finish line
360
00:17:47,060 --> 00:17:48,370
is detouring through here.
361
00:17:48,500 --> 00:17:51,540
- No, no, we should go this way through the underpass.
362
00:17:51,590 --> 00:17:53,680
Are you crazy? That's too much of a shortcut.
363
00:17:53,720 --> 00:17:55,590
We could get disqualified.
364
00:17:55,720 --> 00:17:58,940
- All that matters is that it's OK with Saudi Arabia.
365
00:17:59,030 --> 00:18:02,600
Would going this way be OK with Saudi Arabia?
366
00:18:02,730 --> 00:18:05,990
- There's no way to be sure what Saudi Arabia wants.
367
00:18:06,120 --> 00:18:09,260
All I know is, I need their money.
368
00:18:09,390 --> 00:18:12,740
So I'm gonna go out there and take my chances.
369
00:18:17,870 --> 00:18:19,010
- What's up, guys?
370
00:18:19,140 --> 00:18:20,490
Pete Hegseth, Department of War.
371
00:18:20,530 --> 00:18:22,360
We've got the Narco terrorists on the run
372
00:18:22,490 --> 00:18:23,880
and we're gonna take 'em out.
373
00:18:23,970 --> 00:18:26,320
Yeah!
374
00:19:09,190 --> 00:19:11,670
- All right, buddy.
375
00:19:11,800 --> 00:19:13,410
I don't know what you think you're doing,
376
00:19:13,450 --> 00:19:16,370
but I'm pretty sure I told you to get the hell out of my town.
377
00:19:16,450 --> 00:19:18,460
Oh, yeah?
378
00:19:18,500 --> 00:19:20,810
Well, what do you think you're gonna do about it?
379
00:19:23,590 --> 00:19:26,460
- Hello?
380
00:19:26,600 --> 00:19:28,380
Hello?
381
00:19:28,420 --> 00:19:29,770
Anybody?
382
00:19:29,820 --> 00:19:30,950
- Give me my Xbox!
383
00:19:31,030 --> 00:19:32,340
Ah!
384
00:19:36,170 --> 00:19:38,260
What is your problem, man?
385
00:19:38,300 --> 00:19:40,650
You could've made this an amazing Thanksgiving.
386
00:19:40,780 --> 00:19:44,180
For Stan. For Kenny.
387
00:19:44,220 --> 00:19:46,270
But you just wanna play games.
388
00:19:46,400 --> 00:19:48,620
For the last time,
389
00:19:48,700 --> 00:19:51,490
just because I'm Black doesn't mean I run fast!
390
00:19:51,620 --> 00:19:54,100
- Yes, you do.
391
00:19:54,230 --> 00:19:56,360
You just weren't trying because you have a problem
392
00:19:56,490 --> 00:19:58,710
with Saudia Arabia joining the global community.
393
00:19:58,840 --> 00:20:00,720
- That has nothing to do with you being a racist.
394
00:20:00,850 --> 00:20:02,200
- Oh, I'm a racist?
395
00:20:02,240 --> 00:20:03,810
You want Saudi Arabia
396
00:20:03,850 --> 00:20:05,980
to just keep stuffing journalists into suitcases,
397
00:20:06,030 --> 00:20:07,200
but I'm the racist!
398
00:20:07,240 --> 00:20:09,160
- I'm going home.
399
00:20:09,200 --> 00:20:11,250
- OK, fine, forget it.
400
00:20:11,290 --> 00:20:12,680
Yeah, I will forget it!
401
00:20:12,820 --> 00:20:14,640
And I can think whatever I want!
402
00:20:14,730 --> 00:20:16,210
- OK, you're right, Tolkien.
403
00:20:16,300 --> 00:20:17,430
- Yeah, I know I'm right!
404
00:20:17,520 --> 00:20:18,650
- OK, that's cool.
405
00:20:18,730 --> 00:20:20,040
Have a good Thanksgiving, man.
406
00:20:20,080 --> 00:20:21,480
- I will have a good Thanksgiving
407
00:20:21,520 --> 00:20:23,300
'cause I won't be listening to your stupid bullshit!
408
00:20:23,430 --> 00:20:24,910
- Yep, sounds good.
409
00:20:25,040 --> 00:20:26,350
Enjoy the holidays with your loved ones.
410
00:20:34,710 --> 00:20:36,880
- Oh, God damn it.
411
00:20:37,010 --> 00:20:39,280
- Yes! Race science!
412
00:20:39,410 --> 00:20:41,240
Race science!
413
00:20:45,060 --> 00:20:47,890
- On behalf of the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia
414
00:20:47,980 --> 00:20:51,900
and His Royal Highness Mohammed bin Salman Al Saud,
415
00:20:51,940 --> 00:20:54,470
this year's Turkey Trot grand prize
416
00:20:54,550 --> 00:20:57,470
goes to the team of South Park's very own
417
00:20:57,510 --> 00:20:58,950
Tolkien Black!
418
00:21:04,480 --> 00:21:06,700
- We did it, dude.
419
00:21:06,740 --> 00:21:08,910
It's right there. You see it?
420
00:21:09,000 --> 00:21:11,570
It's right there!
421
00:21:11,700 --> 00:21:13,270
- There you go. Almost there.
422
00:21:21,930 --> 00:21:23,930
- All right, guys, that about wraps it up.
423
00:21:24,020 --> 00:21:25,800
Let's get home and eat some turkey.
424
00:21:25,930 --> 00:21:27,460
- You son of a bitch!
425
00:21:27,500 --> 00:21:29,280
The president will come for us!
426
00:21:29,370 --> 00:21:31,240
- Yeah, maybe so.
427
00:21:31,290 --> 00:21:33,720
Judge will see you Monday.
428
00:21:35,160 --> 00:21:37,510
- South Park's gonna pay for this.
429
00:21:37,550 --> 00:21:39,640
They're all gonna pay.
31502
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